Exponent II's Blog, page 37

The Fat Lady at Martial Arts

Three times a week (if I’m lucky) for an occasionally punishing hour, I punch, kick, block, wield a staff or nunchuck, and generally feel like a ridiculous person. I’m a fat lady who does martial arts.

Sometimes I’ll catch a glimpse of my body in the window reflection and just…wish. That my body met basic expectations of thinness. That I could just be thin. That I would love that quick flash of my self in the window or the mirrors. That I could look at her without that immediate pang of inadequacy.

And then I mentally kick myself and remember why I do martial arts. It’s not a punishment for my fat body or even a quest to remove my body fat. It’s because movement is generally good for the body and I like taking out my rage on ping pong balls with a nunchuck. It’s an act of love for my body exactly as I am.

Without dropping a pound in the last two years, I am now able to:

Bend over and touch the floorLift my body higher when we do yogic stretchingFeel core muscles that haven’t been seen since I gave birth eleven years agoMaintain a meditative practiceMemorize whole sequences of movement (though hardly ever their given names)

I enjoy the mind/body aspects of breath work and meditation. Memorizing movement sequences combats my fear of future dementia. I have the rudiments of self defense.

I leave martial arts feeling flexible and strong. My mind feels shower clean when I leave, no matter the state of my mood and mind when I drag myself through the door to class. Our energy movement exercises have become some of my favorite, especially after a difficult day. I often visualize the frustrations and anxieties literally being flung from my body.

None of these things are going to lower the number on the scale, but they increase my quality of life.

Of course, my uniform doesn’t actually fit me. I cannot wear the pants. They were created in a paradigm that, in addition to defaulting male, equates bigger sizes with height rather than width. My top is hopelessly too long and yet not quite wide enough. My bottoms are made for the narrow hips of the male body, leaving me in need of much more ease along the widest part of my body if I want to bend over.

I think about sewing my own pants. I think about redesigning the Gi to fit me, the body I have right now, properly.

I think how much easier it would be to just have clothes that fit. That I wouldn’t have to stand out by wearing an ill-fitting and incomplete uniform, class after class, and catch a glimpse of how different I look in the window or mirrors.

During a particularly punishing sequence when I was testing up a level, we had to hold positions for at least thirty counts and potentially up to over a hundred counts. As my legs fought for a squatted T-position, with torso twisted and arms angled, my muscles burned, my balance wobbled, my arms threatened to drop. Instead, I remembered that I had been pregnant, experienced labor and post partum, and that if my body could survive that pain, it surely could do this as well. It did.

My instructor congratulating me on achieving 3rd Section. I am now a 5th Section student*.

I used to think of my body as a weakness, a problem. But my body is actually quite resilient. It has seen a few things and carried me through.

I mean, while wearing a uniform that doesn’t fit, my body has successfully:

Held my arms in pose for three whole minutes without droppingSpun a staff over my head and behind my backMoved a spinning nunchuck from one hand to the other and back againMade my spine twist in previously unforeseen waysWalked smoothly in a bagua circle without moving my upper body

I’m a fat lady in martial arts class who mostly looks (and feels) ridiculous, but I’m also a capable person who is engaging in an activity that brings me joy and strength. No matter how many times I catch that glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel that pang, I belong in this space, fat body and all. There’s a martial arts style for every body and a body for every martial arts style. Fat really doesn’t have anything to do with it.

*Personal photo shared with permission of my instructor

Cover Photo by svklimkin on Unsplash

Guest Post: Can We Stop Talking About Motherhood?

by MM

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a preoccupation with motherhood. With concepts like “Every woman is a mother” and “Mother in Heaven” and celebrations of Mother’s Day happening in United States-based congregations every year, motherhood is clearly an important topic for members of the church. 

Well, I’m tired of it. I recognize that people may be uncomfortable with me saying this. Many women have made difficult choices and sacrifices to become mothers and many feel so fulfilled by this. I’m not suggesting that women cannot find joy and purpose in motherhood. What I am saying, though, is that I’m exhausted by pretending every woman is a mother and that motherhood is the universal female experience. 

To be clear, this is not just something touted by the mainstream church organization. Even more nuanced spaces often talk about how women’s spirituality is different than men’s because women understand sacrifice more because they are mothers. Society overall has an obsession with women as mothers. But people of Mormon backgrounds seem particularly focused on motherhood. 

I do not have children. Right now, that is my choice. I don’t feel ready to be a mother yet. Because I am actively choosing to not be a mother, I am tired of that label being put on me. I’m not a mother. I do not know what it is like to comfort a toddler sobbing in the night. I do not know what it’s like to give birth and lactate and suffer from post-partum depression. It does a disservice to the women who do experience those things to suggest that I understand those experiences, just because I am a woman. I don’t. 

I can barely scratch the surface of the topic of infertility. It is a complicated subject with many women having deep, painful feelings. I personally think the “every woman is a mother” just encourages people to avoid having empathy for those struggling with infertility. Instead of sitting with women in those difficult feelings, they can just say, “Well, you’re still a mother!” and move on. 

Furthermore, as a woman who is currently childless by choice, I am tired of people assuming that I am infertile! I guess I’m glad that people are willing to hold space for those who struggle with fertility. But is there no space for someone waiting until God tells her the time is right to have children? Numerous times, I have had people apologize that I cannot have children, when I have never said that is the case! But in our church, we tend to think that no woman would choose to not have children. After all, women are nurturers by nature … right?! 

I feel infantilized at church, particularly in Relief Society. When we act like motherhood is the universal female experience, birth becomes a rite of passage and women cannot be grown women until they have experienced it. Sometimes I feel that we separate women at church into two categories: 

MothersWomen who are not yet mothers. 

As a woman in the second category, I often feel treated like I’m still barely out of Young Women’s. Relief Society discussions focus on how to raise our children and teach them. 

In fact, I have even found the easiest way to broach difficult topics at church is to say, “If I have children, how do I teach them _____?” People light up. They love it. It’s handled way better than me saying, “I don’t know how to sit with ______.” In fact, the times I have framed something as my own difficulty, I have been bombarded with older members of the ward telling me I would understand more when I got older and had children of my own. So now, I just frame my questions as a dutiful “future mother” trying to prepare to teach her children. 

But sometimes, I don’t want to make changes for my future, currently non-existent children. So many women who fight for change in the church do it for their daughters and granddaughters, which is certainly noble and inspiring. I just want it for me, though. I don’t have a daughter yet, and I may never have a daughter. I want things to be better for me. I don’t want to have to wait until my granddaughters are grown for the culture to change. I want to be fed and nourished and to serve with everything I have. I want to believe I have value outside of my mothering. I want my opinions and thoughts to matter today. 

But framing it as wanting change for me sounds selfish, and you know who isn’t selfish? Mothers. Mothers are arguably some of the most selfless people on earth, and that is glorified with phrases like “angel mothers.” Perhaps that’s another reason people default to motherhood being equal to womanhood. Otherwise, they have to deal with “selfish” women. 

I even find myself trying to prove that I have maternal instincts now. I teach music lessons, and when a student feels comfortable enough to try something new, I often find myself saying “See. I can do this ‘mom’ thing. I can nurture.” When I play with my nieces, I feel myself wanting to get it right so I can look like a good non-mother. When really, I want to have fun with my nieces because I love them and they’re awesome! I help my students grow because I’m a good teacher! I believe God helps me, but not because it’s my “motherhood training.” 

I want to be myself. Maybe that is selfish. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to prove I have that nurturing gene. But at the end of the day, I am tired of being labeled as a mother or even as a non-mother. Labeling me by my motherhood status just defines me by one tiny part of my life. I am an individual person, today, now, without my children. I want women to be treated as individuals after they have children. Women have dreams and hopes and plans and aspirations and personalities. I desperately want women to be seen for those things, regardless of their motherhood status. 

Even the feminine divine is defined by her relationship to motherhood, not her individuality. She is “Heavenly Mother” or “Mother in Heaven,” not “Goddess.” 

So, please, can we stop talking about motherhood? Or at the very least stop treating it like the universal female experience. I am a grown, individual woman. I don’t have to nurture to prove it. I don’t have to give birth or adopt to prove it. I shouldn’t have to do those things to have my voice heard and respected. 

 

MM is a passionate opera singer living in the Pacific Northwest.

(Note: Meme made by myself!)

 

Unpaid Clergy Isn’t the Flex You Think It Is

Every now and then, we will hear a talk in general conference or the local ward about the merits of “unpaid clergy.” Anyone can serve, they say. Sacrifice is the key to devotion. Our church must be extra true because people don’t even need to get paid to serve in it.

But when compared to the intentional, often extensive process that paid clergy members from other religions go through, the idea of an unpaid clergy starts to lose its appeal. 

Other churches require rigorous education, often a master’s degree in divinity. They complete an internship under the supervision of other clergy members. They are interviewed and must agree to a specific standard of practice. And they are able to do all of this because they know they will be paid. 

Unpaid, in almost every instance, means untrained. As anyone in the church will acknowledge, bishops, stake presidents, area authorities, and onward are often completely untrained when entering into their leadership callings. They are tasked with the spiritual and mental well-being of their membership, yet such a high-stakes calling is left to the dentist down the road or your aunt’s financial advisor. 

Often, the argument for calling untrained clergy is that God will qualify them. We are told that once the mantle of the calling is placed upon them through proper priesthood authority, God will give them the skills, knowledge, and discernment to know how to operate in their leadership capacity. 

But the church doesn’t do this with other types of health or well-being. Spiritual and mental well-being is easily sourced through unpaid, untrained leaders whom God can qualify one day to the next, but physical health requires a trained, competent doctor. Apart from fringe members, it’s unlikely you’ll find a leader in the church who tells you to visit a doctor who is unpaid and untrained to help with your physical illness. Instead, we hear talks about the blessings of modern medicine and tout the merits of a prophet who saved countless people’s lives through his extensive knowledge and training in heart surgery. 

Beyond the lack of training, the toll that such leadership callings take on the man and the man’s family is staggering. This unpaid position he didn’t ask to fill now requires him to be gone from his family multiple nights a week and all day on Sunday on top of the job he is already working to provide an income. I have heard from many different clients in my therapy practice feelings of an “absent” father due to his excessive obligations to the church. These men who might not have been disconnected from their families otherwise are now forced into disconnection because there simply isn’t enough time in the day.

All of this leads to burnout. Placing a man in a position of responsibility for the well-being of his membership and not paying him or training him leads to burnout. It leads to this man feeling inadequate, stressed, and overworked. It leads to his wife feeling the same. The members who look to this man for support are left with “bishop roulette” because no standard of care or training exists. All they can do is hope they get a “good one.”

From the earliest days of the church, the idea of seeking out trained professionals to help with specific needs was encouraged. Dallin H. Oaks said, “The use of medical science is not at odds with our prayers of faith and our reliance on priesthood blessings. When a person requested a priesthood blessing, Brigham Young would ask, ‘Have you used any remedies?’ To those who said no because ‘we wish the Elders to lay hands upon us, and we have faith that we shall be healed,’ President Young replied: ‘That is very inconsistent according to my faith. If we are sick, and ask the Lord to heal us, and to do all for us that is necessary to be done, according to my understanding of the Gospel of salvation, I might as well ask the Lord to cause my wheat and corn to grow, without my plowing the ground and casting in the seed. It appears consistent to me to apply every remedy that comes within the range of my knowledge, and [then] to ask my Father in Heaven … to sanctify that application to the healing of my body.’”

If we believe that using faith alone to treat physical ailments is “inconsistent according to [our] faith,” why do we believe that faith alone is enough to treat spiritual or mental ailments? Why do we insist that God “qualifying” the leaders of our congregations is enough?

I sometimes wonder if it simply comes back to the money. I wonder if the church doesn’t want to invest the money in paying qualified individuals to do the work. If that’s the case, they need to reexamine the costs. The quality of a bishop’s leadership impacts every facet of a congregation, down to a struggling family’s need for food. If he is burnt out or overwhelmed, his congregation will feel it, and everyone, including his own family, suffers as a result.

Celebrate Women’s History Month with Exponent II!

This Women’s History Month, we are participating in and hosting events in the Utah-area and some of them will also be live-streamed. We have also launched a limited-edition Women’s History Month “Founding Mothers” to honor those whose shoulders we stand upon. Learn more about all the ways to get involved this month below.

And, if you are able, we also encourage you to support Exponent II this month by signing up for a subscription, gifting a subscription, making a donation, or simply telling a friend about us. A $20-$45 subscription can go a long way to support the work of hundreds of women. Thank you for being a part of our 50-year history!

Shop Women’s History

This Women’s History Month support Exponent II by purchasing our limited-edition “founding mothers” t-shirt from Exponent II’s Bonfire store.

Laurel, Claudia and Judy are also three of dozens of women highlighted in Exponent II’s “Illuminating Ladies: A Coloring Book of Mormon Women” illustrated by Molly Cannon Hadfield. Coloring books supplies are running low until we formalize plans for a re-print, so don’t miss the chance to order one of the final second edition coloring books!

March Events with Exponent II50 Years of Mormon Sisters and Claudia Bushman Event

March 15, 2025 
Alumni House at the University of Utah or Online

Join us at this one-day conference to honor the upcoming 50th anniversary of the book Mormon Sisters and the pioneering work of Claudia Lauper Bushman. Speakers include Claudia Bushman, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, Judy Dushku, Maxine Hanks, Caroline Kline, Amy Hoyt, Taylor Petrey, and more! All are welcome. Learn more and register here.

Judy Dushku’s debut novel, Is This The Way Home? Launch Event

March 18 at 7 p.m. MT
Compass Gallery, Provo

Judy Dushku — political scientist, writer, feminist activist, and founding mother of Exponent II — is publishing her first novel next month, just in time to turn 83! It’s called Is This The Way Home? (2025, BCC Press).

A Women’s History Month Celebration with Signature Books and Exponent II

March 20 at 7 p.m. MT (doors open at 6:30 p.m.)
Signature Books (508 W 400 N, Salt Lake City, UT 84116)

Fifty Years of Exponent II co-authors Katie Ludlow Rich and Heather Sundahl will talk with Exponent II founding mother Judy Dushku about her decades with Exponent II, her global feminist activism, and her humanitarian work in Uganda that inspired her debut novel, Is This The Way Home?

Ten facts and fables of biblical women

In the last several years, I’ve started reading the Bible. Really reading it—not in a faith-promoting way, not to follow the Come Follow Me curriculum or prepare a lesson, not to get closer to God. But reading it like a novel, a history book, a legal code, a cautionary tale, a founding mythology, a message, a library. I wanted to know what it actually said—an impossible task, since the translation-revision-editing-run-through-the-patriarchy-rinse-and-repeat process has taken what was in the “original” books of the Bible, some of which were shared through the oral tradition generations before ever being written down, basically moot.

But more than that, I wanted to know what I thought about the Bible and its characters, its lessons and morals, its stories. For most of my life that was filtered by what LDS church leaders taught me was in the Bible. It is not a simple story of one God and one people or a story of good vs. evil. What’s there is so much more expansive, complicated, hard to make sense of, beautiful and ugly.

Through these studies, I’ve read a lot of interpretations, noticed stories and people I’d never noticed before and interpreted stories differently than I had before, particularly around the women. The Bible has some of the most incredible stories about women, and some of the most horrifying. The horrifying ones were frequently skipped in Gospel Doctrine lessons—it was too difficult to explain why it appeared that God wanted a father to sacrifice his teenage daughter and then just allowed the man—a man whom the author of Hebrews upheld as an example of faith (Heb. 11:32).

Here are a few of the things I’ve learned as I’ve studied. Some come from midrash, some from interpretation drawn from different meanings of the Hebrew words used or from the historical context of the time in question, some are straight from the text that just hit me different one day and I couldn’t go back. They’re not all pretty. But they’ve changed how I approach the Bible—they’ve given me a more honest relationship with this book.

Some scholars believe that when Ahasuerus called Vashti to him in the first part of Esther, the command was that she arrive wearing only her crown. No clothes. No wonder she refused to be paraded in front of the court.In Judges 4, Sisera might have raped Jael. Or she might have had sex with him willingly (willingly being in the context of a man of violence showing up at her door and demanding shelter). Jael is not really portrayed as a hero in the scriptures or in the discussion of scripture; she is at best complicated. Her actions were so … unwomanly, not just at the time but even when read now. She violated the rules of hospitality by betraying her guest, plus, we don’t expect such violence from a woman. If there was sex involved, it’s even more complicated because she’s violated more rules. But I see a survivor—a woman who did what she needed to do. She used the tools she had.Also in Judges 4, Deborah the prophetess is called the wife of Lapidoth. Lapidoth may not be a name, though; it means fire or flames. She’s been called the woman of fire. If you do not remember the story in Judges 4, go read it now. It is my favorite Bible story because it is a story of two women who took charge and did what they needed to do. Neither gets credit (though Hebrews 11 gives Deborah’s male partner-in-war credit, so …).Rachel steals her father’s teraphim, or household gods. When he comes in search of them and Jacob swears that the thief will be put to death, Rachel sits on them and tells her husband and father when they approach that she is menstruating and can’t rise. I imagine them panicking, backing out, scared of that “mysterious” curse that literally every woman around them has every month (Gen. 31:19-35 with a bit of extrapolation on my end). This is literally in the scriptures. Why doesn’t that get its own lesson every cycle? Pun very much intended.Zipporah was a priestess. She was the oldest daughter of a priest, and she performs a circumcision on her young son, a rite that could have required the priesthood (Exodus 4:24-26). Honestly, Moses is alive because of women. The midwives protected him, his sister Miriam protected him, Zipporah saved him.The Hebrew Bible uses the phrase “mother in Israel” twice. The first time, Deborah says it of herself (Judges 5:7). The second is said by the wise woman of Abel (the phrase “wise men” is often used to describe leaders. There’s no reason to assume “wise woman” would be any different); she intercepts one of David’s henchmen who is seeking a runaway. The henchman is a violent man who will destroy the city, and the wise woman calls her city a mother in Israel. Then she handles the situation and saves her city. Neither is an actual mother.Some Jewish feminist scholars teach about the Shekinah, or the glory of God, and that she is female. When the children of Israel were in their 40-year journey through the desert, the Shekinah was the pillar of fire that guided them in their journey. Some Christian scholars teach about Lady Wisdom (Sophia, the Greek word for wisdom, is a feminine noun.) At least one woman I know believes the Holy Ghost is female, perhaps Heavenly Mother’s official role, which tracks–most ancient Near Eastern religions believed in a husband-wife-son godhead.Job’s wife got a raw deal. I’ve already written about this once, in “Curse God and Die,” but so I’ll just say, again–she lost all her children. And then she got condemned for her grief. And then the trial was over and she just got 10 new children, as though that could make up for the loss of those other children, who are as forgotten as she is.Samson is not a hero. He gets his first wife killed—yes, I realize she told his secret to the Philistines, but let’s go back to consent and how it’s not consent when someone tells you to do a thing or they’ll kill you—he commits mass murder and he’s utterly convinced of his own strength that he acts like he doesn’t need God (Judges 14-16). And you know what the author of Hebrews 11 calls that? Yup, faith. I’m team Delilah. Or at least team It’s-Complicated-and-We-Really-Need-to-Understand-what’s-Happening-in-the-Bible-Before-We-Teach-It-to-Children.Polygamy. Was. Not. Good. At all. It doesn’t happen that often in the Bible; there are only a few noteworthy examples: Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon. None of them goes well. There is jealousy, there is neglect, there is abuse. In Solomon’s case, what follows include total destruction of the kingdom of God. Why—why?—did anyone read this millennia later and think, “Interesting. Should we try this?”

There are many other women, many other stories, some good, some terrible. There are villains of the highest order—Jezebel and Athaliah are my favorites. There are women—girls—who had crimes perpetrated on them, supposedly by men of God, that are sickening and disturbing. Two of the worst—the daughter of Jephthah and the Levite concubine—didn’t even get names. But their stories remain, and feminist scholars have for decades given voices, identities and some small measure of justice to these victims of the patriarchy.

I no longer read the Bible as an act of faith. Now it’s an act of resistance—these stories are mine, and I will read and interpret them according to my understanding. Turns out what I’ve learned most frequently is there is right way to read or interpret the Bible.

Top photo: A rock formation on the Jordanian side of the Dead Sea. The legend is that this is Lot’s wife, the woman who was turned into salt for turning around when she thought she’d lost everything, including some of her children. She is one of many women who have been misunderstood and maligned through millennia of patriarchy in the scriptures.

From the Backlist: Why do Dads and Kids Leave when Moms leave the Church?

A few days ago, one of our bloggers was contacted and asked for feedback for an Area President on the following issue.

The Area President was wondering why in previous decades, if a husband stopped attending church, the wife would still come to church with the kids—but in recent years, if the wife stops attending church first, why does the husband tend to not keep coming with the kids? The Area President saw this phenomenon leading to “a generation [being] lost.”

Bloggers on our backlist listserv had a number of responses.

Libby:

Oh, wow. Does he realize that he’s talking about a systemic change? Because making church work for women would mean acknowledging that most of the “work” in the church is done by women on behalf of men, and that men get to come to church to feel important, whereas women come to church because we have to be there or things fall apart. The minute we realize that we don’t *have* to be there, that we’re not getting anything out of the relationship except maybe salvation at some later state, and that the “salvation” probably involves an eternity of the same kind of work with the same nonexistent rewards, we’re done. We like the community, and we enjoy being part of a group of people, but honestly we could have that with a good book club.

 

Candice Wendt:

Something that Neylan McBain said this fall really struck me. She said that about 10 years ago when she published “Women at Church,” a lot of LDS women were more content and religious. Ten years later, she’s noticing how most mainstream families have women who’ve gone through a feminist awakening during that time. They’ve become at least slightly less religious. Engaging literature and online voices has led them to deconstruct patriarchy and its role in the institutional church.

 

Anonymous Blogger:

When I look at my two extended families, I totally see this, ten years ago, we were mostly pretty orthodox and not talking about any concerns even if we had them. Today, virtually all my sisters and sisters-in-law and even my mom have gone through some measure of faith transition and discontentment with the institution has increased for all.

[Anonymous] and I have talked about how one trigger for feminist awakenings is all of us who have honest, strong-willed daughters who are allergic to patriarchal and tendencies to control and condition at church. My daughter was my big catalyst for my faith transition a few years ago. At age twelve, she told me church was a place she felt a lot of shame and where she experienced people trying to mold and control her and that she planned to leave once she had the freedom to. Today, while I attend church, my husband values it more than me. He thrives there more than me. We both know if I stop going, everything will fall apart and he won’t be able to motivate the kids to be involved. I can totally see how this is happening in so many families.

 

Libby:

I’m going to add, because I think it’s important: there are a lot of other churches that do more good in the community than the LDS Church does, and membership in them is not all-consuming. My best friend/business partner attends the local UU church, which hosts the local Pride festival, holds vigils against racism, raises money to help a huge number of causes, partners with a low-income church about half an hour away, hosts a postcard-writing campaign during election season, and has a really good consent-based sex-ed program (All Our Lives). It’s a huge force for good here. On the other hand, Mormons are seen as nice but insular, and much more worried about checking boxes than actually dealing with ethics on a higher level. If I joined the UU church, I’d already have friends there, wouldn’t ever have to give a talk over the pulpit, and would be well recognized (and profusely thanked) for anything i decided to lead or participate in.

We can no longer be an insular, self-serving church. What worked in the 1870s in the Rocky Mountains simply does not work on a global scale with instantaneous communication. Women in the 21st century have more power outside the home than we’ve ever had before in the history of the church, and we’re used to using it for good. We do not consider ourselves to be appendages to our husbands. Our children, half of whom are female and about 20% of whom identify as LGBTQ, are dear and precious to us and we do not want them to have the more limited lives their grandmothers had. And the sooner the church realizes that and starts treating us all as true equals, the more families it will keep. But it must change or it will increasingly lose those of us who understand our own worth.

 

Ann:

Oh what a live wire!  I’m sure that area presidency member is thinking the feedback would be along the lines of “Relief Society should meet more frequently so women can have more friends.” I’m not sure he’s expecting that SO MUCH needs to change.

My biggest thing is that right now my ward Relief Society often feels like it’s a rehash of Young Womens in 1999. I would prefer that Relief Society reflect that I’m a grown up and that it’s 2025. I don’t need feel good lessons with cutesy handouts and overly emotional songs. I need actual spiritual nourishment. And listening to a regurgitated conference talk is NOT going to cut it.

 

Mindy May Farmer:

For a really long time, I was praised by church members for being an example of how a “modern woman” could remain faithful. Unfortunately, I believed them and, when I trusted the church to listen to women and progress, even in small ways, I was continually disappointed. The shaming I experienced as I tried to remain faithful and share spiritual promptings I received shattered my testimony. I did what I’d been told to do all of my life. I prayed, listened to the spirit, and attended the temple. But I had no authority, even over my own spiritual life.

When I’d try to discuss these issues with other women, they’d often get defensive or shut down and even pity me. Men would be condescending and dismissive. Over time, I realized that staying made me constantly angry, sad, and depressed. I found community elsewhere and decided to no longer waste my time and energy fighting for crumbs or a seat near the patriarchal table.

At one point in my life, I was ready to compromise. Every compromise I tried was rejected. Now it’s not enough. I want full equality. I don’t need the church to be a good person or to want to do good. I’m not rushing into sin or ignoring my spiritual life. I only engage with the church because my husband and (some) kids do. One day, when my kids are grown and all making their own choices, I hope to let it go entirely except to support my husband in his spiritual journey.

 

Kara Stevenson:

I think someone made a comment on one of these threads that if the church just had women involved in the decision-making processes, especially at the very top with the general authorities, so many of these issues would go away. I couldn’t agree more.

If this area authority really wants to know what women think, then he should be advocating for that. Women need to be in the room where it happens. Give them a microphone at general conference. Magnify their voices by reading, studying, and quoting more of their talks.

Let them sit on the stand and hold callings like Sunday school presidency and financial clerk. Let them make decisions without the approval of a man. Involve the young women more.

Reflect on sexist teachings like polygamy and D&C 132. Consider how women used to give blessings in the church, yet that was stripped away from them *by men.* Think about the sexist undertones that were in the temple and that surround the topic of modesty.

I appreciate that he’s asking the question. But he could just sit back and relax and let the women solve the issues that women face if they were just given the authority to do so. Is it fair to say that only women can really solve women’s issues?

 

Kelly Ann:

We need male allies. But to Kara’s point, there are no women in the middle or upper management so to speak. An area authority seventy only regularly meets with stake presidents. Coordinating councils are only men. When the whole thing with women on the stand in the Bay Area happened, and the stake RS president asked to speak to the visiting authorities, they apparently asked Bednar for permission. There is no direct link between stake relief society presidents and general auxiliary leaders. There needs to be regular channels in which leaders are connected to women – not just an ad hoc, even if well intentioned, ask for feedback

 

Heidi Toth:

This is a really interesting thread, and I agree with all the responses. I do think the question of why men don’t keep going is also really interesting. Do men have less strong testimonies? Less commitment? Why aren’t they “dutifully” going to church? It is arguably more their duty as priesthood holders than it is for women. Leaving aside how the church could be better for women for a moment, perhaps the church should look into why men aren’t that committed.

As for what needs to change to get better for women … Libby’s first comment about being systemic is just what I keep coming back to. No matter how good a ward or a bishop is, how much a woman wears pants or speaks up in class or gives feminist talks, there’s still the systemic inequality that has to change from the top. And as women are increasingly in the workforce and in universities and in positions of leadership everywhere else, and girls are experiencing equality everywhere else, what do they expect to happen?

This just inspired a “patriarchy is bad for EVERYONE” rant in my head. It’s not just women. The church is losing people because more and more members are looking around and seeing something better. It’s more women because the church is worse for women and I think it’s harder for men to see inequality, but I know there are men who don’t find garments comfortable and don’t appreciate being told they have to wear them and don’t like how women and girls are treated and aren’t comfortable with what happens with tithing money or abuse cases.

 

Katherine Ponczoch:

I’m really bothered by the phrase “a generation is lost.” I would ask the leader to consider whether we know that to be true. We need to respect everyone’s journey and agency. The assumption that people are lost if they choose a different spiritual path is faulty and offensive.

I left three years before my husband. There was nothing for me there but heartache and invisibility. No growth, no peace, no hope. It had become too toxic and painful. I saw a lot of hypocrisy and clinging to “one true church” and demands for a rigid, performant lifestyle. I needed pluralism, “how can we better truly serve the community”, and “here’s something we can add to your life”. The church doesn’t want to change, so it won’t be right for everyone. Leaders need to learn to let people leave with dignity when it’s no longer a good fit.

The church I would go back to would be so vastly different it would not be recognizable. And that’s not the church most members want.

 

ElleK/Lindsay Denton:

I’m impressed they’re noticing that they’re losing women at all (even if just because they’re losing men). I find it very telling that they’re not all that concerned about losing women, just their children and priesthood holding husbands. The trend he noticed is absolutely what happened in my family. Everyone on this thread has already said exactly this, but I’m going to say it again because it bears repeating in as many different ways as we can say it.

The cause of the trend is that women and girls are more restricted and have fewer opportunities at church than in any other sphere in their lives. The disparity is glaring and upsetting, especially for our feminist daughters, who are not used to being held back just because they’re girls. I would never keep taking my girls (or my son, honestly) to a school or club or team that gave boys special privileges just for being boys, regardless of whether they wanted them or not, and withheld them from girls. Why should we tolerate treatment from the church that we would never ever tolerate anywhere else? Women also lose faith over things like polygamy, treatment of LGBTQ people, racism, and church history.

So women stop going. And because 99% of the time women are the ones who actually get the kids ready and out the door, which is a HUGE amount of labor that men in leadership cannot possibly appreciate, men who mean to bring their children to church just piddle out because it’s too much effort, and then they fall out of the habit. And a fair percentage of the time, the men lose their faith as well.

The solution, which your area authority absolutely did not ask for, requires systemic change the church is not willing to make.

 

Lavender:

Yes to all of this. Also, in my personal experience, I attended church for ten years after my husband left and there were so many times that I thought, “If my husband still attended and supported this church that treats me and all women this way, it would break my love for him.” There were so many times when I was Primary President that I went home to him and thanked him for not believing in the priesthood. The priesthood that makes men rule over women, gives them power and privileges that I am barred from because I am a woman. I continued to attend a church that continually infantilized, silenced, and oppressed me because I loved the gospel and the generous, beautiful people in my community. . . And for a thousand complicated, unknown reasons I’m trying to understand. But when my husband left the church and LDS beliefs behind, we were made equal for the first time in our marriage.

Alternatively, my sister left the church before her husband and he only lasted a couple months before he gave it all up, too. And she said their marriage almost didn’t make it. Once she saw the discrepancy, she couldn’t tolerate her husband supporting a church that placed him above her in every way. Very soon after, he couldn’t either.

 

Bailey:

Women are tired. The emotional labor to uphold the church structure is grinding. The church is structured with a dominator model where men rule over women and gender minorities. In this model, women are exploited, meaning that the church uses women in an unfair, selfish way. The church uses women to prop up men’s sense of identity and purpose. The church wears down women by exploiting the human desire for community and connection by telling women manipulative messages about gender roles; that if only women follow these gender roles then everything will be ok. Messages include: women are holy and must do holy things like cook meals, wash dishes, and make beds. They are too holy to do service like passing the sacrament or leading a congregation. If women disagree, they are told they aren’t following God and that they are going to bring about the downfall of society. Women must serve. Women must support men. Women are so, so special. This specialness means that women must be protected from The World. This means women should not go to work where they might encounter men, or dirty themselves with politics, or be greedy by aspiring to have the priesthood, or some other thing that men have. It’s wrong for women to want what men have. God said so. Women have a different job to do than men. It’s such a special job. The role of women serves the dominator model. In this model, men are told that they are strong, powerful protectors. They get to serve with the priesthood. This makes them Feel Very Good About Themselves. It gives them an identity, a sense of purpose. However, men’s identity and sense of purpose comes at the cost of women working to make themselves disappear through service. Our souls feel the wrongness of this; women are waking up and saying “no thank you” and leaving.

The temple is a particularly pernicious part of this messaging. Even after the 2019 changes, spiritual coverture is still in the temple; in a legal sense, women still do not exist as their own person in the temple the same as married women didn’t legally exist under legal coverture. Women are smart and aware of our own worth so we don’t need to stick around for a church that is more about our subordination than it is about Jesus and building a community that supports each other as we journey together through life.

The line “that a whole generation is lost” is indicative that the area president has views that come from this dominator model. In this model, men have a right to what women’s bodies produce. The church thinks it has a right to the kids a woman’s body produces. Is this area authority as worried about the spiritual well-being of individual women as he is about the generation that is “lost”?

 

Bailey:

I reread the responses and they are great. I keep thinking women are hungry. Church is giving us stale Cheetos. Why would we keep going? I say this as someone who loves Jesus, the good news of Jesus, and who still attends sacrament meeting. I can’t take rehashed general conference talks anymore so I stopped attending RS last year. This year I am skipping Sunday School because studying Doctrine and Covenants is like watching a horror movie where you know something (polygamy) is going to jump out of a closet and kill you.

Since the pandemic, both my sister and sister-in-law who are both ten years younger than me have stopped attending. Their husbands and kids stopped then too. There is enough of an age difference between us (47 vs 37) that they aren’t willing to put up with dragging their kids to a place that is going to focus on gender roles more than Jesus like I did. They are both very much aware of how patriarchy damages both females and males.

 

Melissa Tyler:

I stopped attending at the first of this year…consequently, my three daughters stopped going as well.

My husband still goes. He does not participate in anything a woman cannot do, yet he still goes.

I did not want my number included in the weekly count. I did not want to consent to the rhetoric anymore by just being there….and my body count being used against me.

 

Bailey:

One more thought from me. While I am still impressed that this area president asked for feedback, his question is a general question that applies to any exploitative system.

How can we [the people in power] make [fill in the blank] better for [the group being exploited].

How can we, the male leadership, make church better for women?

More examples:

How can Bezos make working in an Amazon warehouse better for people who work there?

How can big ag make working in the fields better for the undocumented people who work there?

How could factory owners make factories better for the people working there?

How could medieval kings make subsistence farming better for serfs?

And on and on.

The answer, every. single. time. is to stop exploiting people and change the system from domination to partnership.

What’s the Difference Between a Patriarchal Blessing and Fortune Telling?

If I asked my LDS friend to go with me to have our fortunes read – palm reading, tarot cards, a crystal ball – they’d most likely laugh. Someone, usually a woman, claiming clairvoyance and a connection to things beyond or world? Ridiculous. Belief in someone’s claims to authority bestowed as an unasked-for gift? Please. Vague predictions that could apply to just about anyone, but given in a spiritual setting to the emotionally vulnerable? Give me a break!

Yet, a patriarchal blessing is all of these things, except led by a man who claims to get his authority from God. His hands are his instrument, but we know Joseph Smith used a seer stone in a hat, so would utilizing an object be so outrageous? You don’t pay for a patriarchal blessing, of course, but you do tithe in money and the patriarch receives increased respect, authority, and influence for his efforts.

My patriarchal blessing meant a great deal to me at one time in my life. I received it after the death of my father, before I would experience an incredible bout of depression, and as I was starting a new chapter of my life. Priesthood authority felt so significant at that time because I was convinced that my home suffered from its absence. Really, I mourned the absence of my father, but that’s a whole different post. At this vulnerable time, I needed God to speak to me and direct me. I recall the blessing feeling so personal, although vague and heavily open to interpretation.

A recent reminder of patriarchal blessings, after not thinking about mine for many years, offered a new perspective. I recognize that these blessings are a sacred experience for many and most patriarchs are entirely earnest and sincere, so I’ve wrestled with voicing my criticisms. And, honestly, that’s the cornerstone of benevolent patriarchy: convincing all participants that the good outweighs the bad and that dissent is harmful.

At this stage of my life it surprised me to discover that a patriarchal blessing, something I’d always viewed as fairly sweet and benign, is actually problematic. The man giving the blessing is imbued with authority and generally older than the recipient. He tends toward an air of wise, yet humble, but especially wise. Latter-day Saints encourage people to get blessings when they are young and impressionable so that this can be the most impactful. This power imbalance all allows the patriarch leeway to give speeches filled with scriptures and admonitions, even to virtual strangers. He speaks with immediate intimacy and foreshadows potential problems with blessings, patiently explaining why blessings can even often appear similar without individual revelation. He cautions about blessings being roadmaps and not fortunes. He even reminds participants that blessings can be for this life or the next (covering all bases). And then the blessing begins.

And what’s the harm in a lovely blessing, really? Quite a bit, actually. At a vulnerable moment in someone’s life, an authority figure, usually older, proceeds to give a blessing that advises the individual on how to be the ideal LDS person and gives promises primarily related to performing Mormonism correctly to continue the mission of the Church. The blessing is not generally that individualized, is purposefully vague, and prescribes a very limited way of living. While the LDS Church supposedly values choice and agency, experiences like this emphasize how there is really only one good choice and makes all others literally not of God.

It would be one thing if most blessings simply encouraged people to live good lives by following Jesus, serving others, seeking justice, being merciful, pursuing their talents, loving others, valuing family, bettering their communities, caring for the less fortunate, etc. Those guide you in what you should seek to become with your choices. That is beautiful and inspiring. But blessings that tell someone to go on a mission, get married in the temple, have children, etc., (and then say maybe not in this life) are spiritually limiting, manipulative, and, frankly, a missed opportunity to truly inspire people to listen to their own spiritual guide.

And then there’s your patriarchal lineage through the twelve tribes of Israel. This is another way to remind our children that priesthood lines all and authority all come through men (even though mom has the priesthood too!) It also tells us what our job is as part of that (man’s) tribe. Remind me again why kids aren’t encouraged to trace the priesthood genealogy through their mother’s line when learning about family? But I digress…

Honestly, at this point in my life, I am more open to a friend who offers an intuitive reading or gathers some tarot cards to pull than I am to a patriarchal blessing. In this scenario, they offer no grand authority or promises. I have no obligation to them and there’s no expectation that they’ll benefit from my actions. Instead, it’s a gift they give to inspire, heal, offer hope, and maybe needed guidance. What I receive from the reading is often based on my own experience, emotional state, and current needs. No strings attached.

While fortune telling has certainly been connected to fraud (as have religious healers), what makes their belief in a connection to the supernatural so different than a belief that men can receive a special gift to know God’s will for individuals? It’s not the payment because the Church is “paid” in volunteer hours, mission calls, temple workers, tithing, and people who unfailingly wait for their promised blessings to be fulfilled in this life or the next, no matter the sacrifices.

Ultimately, if we really want our children to be strong individuals who choose for themselves, patriarchal blessings disrupt this process. In many ways, they serve as a safeguard against choice. I often find myself asking why God needs so many intermediaries to speak with us. Why is God’s voice filtered so often through men? I would rather my children learn to listen to the spirit and speak to God directly for promptings and revelation.

Guest Post: Blessings from not Reading the Scriptures Daily

by Kandis Lake

As an avid and lifelong reader, books have been many things for me — a mode for spiritual growth, self-improvement, discovering the world, entertainment, and a way to escape from difficult times and inner turmoil.

I have always read extensively, but I used to do this funny thing where I’d read my “have to’s” first before rewarding myself with reading something fun, if I had the time.

What I “had” to read were scriptures. This always included The Book of Mormon, because I had been taught repeatedly how important it was and to always prioritize it. I received plentiful messages as both a youth and an adult promising me blessings, protection, the spirit, and testimony growth – simply by reading The Book of Mormon every day. The messages also implied that on the flip side, if I didn’t read it daily, I wouldn’t have the spirit with me, wouldn’t be blessed and protected, and would lose my testimony.

Most years, there was another book of scripture to follow as well — either The Old Testament, The New Testament, or The Doctrine and Covenants —whatever that year’s church-wide curriculum was. I often followed scripture reading with the corresponding lesson in the church curriculum manual.

I would often throw in a conference talk to read or listen to as well because I was also promised blessings for studying the words of the prophets. Even though I would watch all ten hours of General Conference twice a year, I’d study the talks all over again in an attempt to not miss a single thing.

Sometimes, I additionally felt internal pressure to read or listen to educational or non-fiction books next. Although my true passion has always been engaging with the artful works of fiction, I used to believe that I had to be learning something new and concrete for reading to be productive.

Once I had read or listened to enough religious content and enough “productive” educational content, I would finally feel free to dive into books that I actually wanted to read. If I did “enough,” I could have fun and relax. This wasn’t only the case with reading, but with how I spent my time in general.

At the time, I would have vehemently denied that I had to do any of this compulsive behavior. Looking back, however, I can see I was bound to my routine by scrupulosity. 

The problem is, as others who have experienced scrupulosity can attest to, most days nothing ever actually feels like enough. There is an endless running list in your mind of more good things you can do, more good things you must do, to be the person you’re supposed to be.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing scrupulosity, and I think it’s quite common for members to be bound by religious routine, even if the pressure they feel isn’t quite as intense. I say this because I’ve had multiple conversations with others about books when they’ve told me they “have to” listen or read the scriptures first in the day before reading the novel they’re really excited about. Or that they “have to” finish the Book of Mormon before proceeding to the book they’ve had their eye on.

I often found myself, especially once I became a parent, completely frustrated when I couldn’t get a focused or long scripture study in, or accomplish any of the other many things we were told at church would bless us and give us the spirit. The checklist of church involvement was often really hard due to a lack of time, lack of attention and focus, or a lack of energy. 

However, I powered through like a steamroller, determined to earn the promised of blessings and protection by doing the things that would bring me the spirit, do the things that would show God I was devoted and eager to qualify. I powered through with the overwhelm of looming college homework. I powered through the fog of exhaustion as a new parent. I powered through boredom, ignoring the calls of creativity and fun until my religious tasks were completed. I powered through the bottomless depression that eventually plagued me – certain that doing all of the right things would bring me the spirit and therefore vanquish the “weakness” that depression was.

I did many different things to prioritize the gospel — waking up early, staying up late, spending my baby’s precious nap time on religious study, using up precious date nights in the temple, fasting for long periods even though it made me grumpy with loved ones, overriding my depleted social battery to fulfill my calling, keeping a running prayer streaming through my mind, and never allowing any part of me to consider letting go of any of it.

In retrospect, the relaxing I often compulsively avoided included truly connecting with myself, my kids, and others around me. That connection was severed when I was compulsively doing the things I was convinced needed to be done.

One of the biggest blessings that came from experiencing a faith crisis and transition is that I could finally let go of the endless gospel tasks — including daily scripture study. It definitely hasn’t happened automatically or easily — I often feel the bottomless need to hustle for worthiness in my bones — but mentally, I know that I can do it differently. I can simply do the good things I feel called in my heart to do, rather than try endlessly to do all of the good things others are telling me to do. 

I can have fun and I can rest. I can have fun even if I haven’t been productive yet. I can look at the checklist given from the church – or from anyone else – as a guideline or recommendation, rather than a qualifying requirement. What I’ve found to be even more effective for me personally, is tearing the checklist up and throwing it in the trash – it’s what I’ve needed.

I don’t feel like this change to no longer read scriptures every day has led to a lack in the spirit. If anything, it has brought me blessings of space and freedom. As I’ve broken out of the pattern of compulsory scripture reading and the pressure to perform countless other church tasks, I’ve become more present, a more connected parent, and realize what I do doesn’t determine the quality of person I am. 

I’ve been able to discover and prioritize myself as I’ve had more room for my preferences. I’ve realized I can still be close to God, have spiritual promptings, access my intuition or inner compass, and feel good feelings.

I now have greater opportunity to read about different modes of spiritualities than before because of how much was demanded of me from my own faith tradition. Being trapped in Mormon scripture didn’t give me the time, space, or energy to explore the other wisdom practices or spiritual traditions that I found interest in.

I have more opportunities to read for fun — to get lost in stories that put me in a different world or that connect to my soul in unique ways.

I no longer feel shame in my day if I don’t follow a scrupulous routine. Along with this shift in reading practice, I am no longer bound by scrupulous prayer and other scrupulous box-checking on a day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month basis.

This isn’t to say that time spent in the LDS scriptures can’t be beneficial. I can think of moments in my life of feeling close to God when reading the beautiful prose, inspiring stories, or encouraging charges in the scriptures. 

If I ever open any scriptures now, it’s from genuine desire and curiosity, rather than a heavy obligation. Like any religious text or great piece of literature, the scriptures are full of art and lessons. I’ve also come to learn that they aren’t infallible, and that has changed my experience with them as well. I can take everything I read with a grain of salt, knowing a human (a man, certainly) wrote it and that it’s okay if it doesn’t resonate with me. I no longer have to twist my heart and mind to make every single phrase right or to make it make sense.

While scriptures are imperfect, and the weight of my scrupulosity was real, God has met me in the scriptures. Since my routine has changed, God now meets me in fantasy books and poetry, in nature and exercise, in relaxed and mindful mornings, and in the deep breaths I take amid the loud and messy chaos of life.

 

Kandis loves to read, write, and be outside. She is a mom, a wife, and a friend. Read more of her words at momgenes.substack.com

“Pride” – Summer 2025 Call for Submissions

Fewer words have more charge—or more meanings—than the word “pride” in the LDS community.

What has been your journey with “pride”? What does it—and its possible opposite term, “humility—mean to you? We celebrate and seek stories about queerness from our LGBTQIA+ siblings while also welcoming all angles of wrestling with pride and humility at a broad level. This could be a piece about reclaiming your value and worth, identifying what you are unapologetically proud of, recognizing or making space for your achievements, allusions to Pride and Prejudice, or examining how pride cycles in the Book of Mormon have mapped onto your life experiences. We also welcome humor and hubris, always.

Written submissions are due by April 15, 2025. Please follow the guidelines. Authors and artists should identify with the mission of Exponent II.

(Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash)

Guest Post: Pinned

by Keely Richins

Pinned

Truth pinned down like a bug for observation,
Secure, lifeless, still, but poised as if in motion, flightless existence.
Measured, constant, finite, and studied within the confines of theology.

Not meant for the glass box on display,
Truth resurrects, takes flight in questioning
Changeable creature flits in and out of sight,
Ever dancing as it is chased through the changing seasons.

Sometimes, the chase is joy.
Sometimes, disorienting.
Sometimes truth disappears from view, overcome by long fields of weeds and wildflowers.

I wander in search of its memory, surprised in discovery of new cocoons.
I wonder at their beauty.
Is this the beginning? Is that where it ends?

Leave them, have patience.
No jar needed to learn from their journeys. Spinning, growing, changing, becoming.

Maybe truth will set you free,
I prefer to set the truth free.

 

Keely is a reader, runner, proud Utah native, Idaho backpacker, nightgown wearing millennial, friend, and rabbit-owner. She loves to laugh, be outside, and push herself outside of her comfort zone. She lives a thrilling life with a CPA and three kids in a home with a red door.

Photo credit: Borchee, Butterfly and Sunset, istock