Exponent II's Blog, page 261

Guest Post: We will not be silenced #MormonMeToo

[image error]by Anonymous

“Mom – I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve realized that he took my agency away from me. I’ve been working on finding my voice again and I think the next step I need to take to find my voice and take back my agency is to post about what happened to me.” These words caused me to immediately panic. My 15-year-old daughter had spent the previous four months understanding and healing from a situation where a family member had been grooming and abusing her; it had taken her three months to even fully talk about what happened. I needed to protect her and posting on social media seemed like an incredibly vulnerable move – one in which I couldn’t control how people would respond. “I’ve already written what I want to post – do you want to read it?” She handed me her phone and I was completely blown away by what I read. I immediately knew she was right – she needed to take this step and I would not be the one to silence her. A few days later she bravely posted this on her Instagram account:

“I have been reluctant to share my story for so long but I think I am finally ready. so here goes nothing: as a 15-year-old, I was groomed, manipulated, and abused by a 29-year-old family member. he first made sure that he had my trust, then tried to learn everything about me: my favorite things, my likes and dislikes, my past, my fears, and any other information he could get. he would tell me stories that were very personal. he would treat me as if I were an adult. he would tell me every day how much he loved me and how important I was in his life. he began physically desensitizing me by hugging me for progressively longer amounts of time and touching me in ways that were inappropriate for this type of relationship. he would do anything to find time to be alone with me. he insisted on having late night conversations with me. he would tell me not to tell anyone. he would repeatedly state that our relationship was special and it was “our little secret”. he manipulated me into thinking that this was normal and perfectly okay. he would make me feel terrible if I said no or didn’t do something that he wanted me to do. he put me in a situation where I felt unsafe and terribly uncomfortable. I felt trapped. I could not escape. I. was. scared. he had so much power over me that I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. but guys, god is real and he watches out for each of his children. my Bishop told me that the angels watching over me pulled me out of the situation right as it could have become a tragedy. they rescued me. I want each of you to know that you are not alone. if any of you have gone through or are going through a similar situation, please tell someone. it is WORTH it because YOU are worth it. know that it is not your fault, no matter how many times you feel it is. know that people love you, are there for you, and will do anything to make sure you are safe and happy. I wish I could have realized these things sooner and told someone a long time ago. the church is true, god is real, and he will help you get through anything and bring an immense amount of healing to you and your family. #metoo#timesup”

Ironically, that week my husband and I were finally able to meet with the Bishop of her abuser. We had been trying to meet with him for almost two months and found him to be less than responsive. There was no response at all to an initial text asking to meet, so I followed it up with another request – this time explaining to him how we were related to the wife of the abuser and how she had given us his contact information and was fine with us requesting the meeting – still no response. Next, our Bishop called this Bishop directly and told him that unless he had the understanding that this man was a dangerous predator, that he had been lied to. He also told him that we had a side to the story that needed to be shared and that our daughter, as the victim, had the right to be heard. Still nothing. Finally, our Bishop provided him with a copy of a letter that we had written to the abuser. Something in this letter finally got him to call and set-up a meeting with my husband and I. We had such high hopes for this meeting. We knew this Bishop had been lied to by the abuser; the abuser is a master manipulator and could sell snow to an Eskimo, but this was our opportunity to make sure his church leader heard the truth. We wanted to make sure that this never happened to another child again and that meant that this man could not ever serve with children or youth. While we were also working with the police, without certain evidence there was likely nothing they could do beyond keeping the report on file to corroborate with future victims. If we couldn’t do anything legally – we were hopeful that at least we could keep children in the church safe!

I don’t know what I expected this Bishop to say, but it certainly was not what came out of his mouth. After fumbling awkwardly through several sentences the Bishop finally said to us “would it be ok if we start at the beginning?”. “Yes of course”, we answered. I was completely dumbfounded and left speechless by his next sentence. “Can we all agree that in the beginning that this was a two-way emotional affair?” After several moments of shock, I found my voice and said that we absolutely could not agree to that. “First of all, you do understand that she is only 15 right? And that when this began she was actually still 14?” He answered that yes, he knew that. “15-year-olds cannot give consent – period.” He was quiet for a minute and then asked me to explain what I meant by that. I explained that calling it both “two-way” and “an affair” implied that there was consent on both parts. And that 15-year-olds could not give consent to an adult – period. He asked, “is that what the police are telling you?”. I explained that yes they were and that the SVU detective on our case would be happy to speak with him about it. On the inside, I wanted to scream “no no one needs the police to tell them that!”

At this point, he realized that the emotional affair approach was not working out so he tried a different angle. The next thing I heard him say was “One thing that is hard in these situations is when one person is raised in a home where kissing on the cheek, hugging and holding hands is a sign of affection and comfort between family members, and another person is raised in a home where those actions are always considered romantic.” Suddenly it was pretty clear that this was how the abuser had lied and convinced this Bishop that he’d done nothing wrong. My answer “yes – that would be difficult, if that was the situation; however, that is not the situation.” Over the next hour, my husband and I explained in great detail the ways that this man had used his status as a Priesthood holder, used the Temple, scriptures and conference talks to convince our daughter that what he was doing was ok. We explained how he had manipulated situations to get her alone, systematically groomed her and ultimately forced her to endure unwanted physical contact. We explained how he not only told her not to tell anyone but also told her that if anyone found out, it would be her that they would be mad at. The Bishop listened to us as we talked, asked clarifying questions and seemed to understand. At one point he even teared up when he read a statement written by our daughter, similar to her post above. It all seemed so black and white to me. How could anyone hear these stories and not immediately recognize that a child had been abused?

As we wrapped up the meeting, he said that he felt that we were very concerned about finding out what the abusers “church punishment” was going to be and he needed to let us know that his primary responsibility was to protect the confidentiality of his ward member. I was confused – isn’t his primary responsibility to protect children? I explained that we actually were not concerned with the specifics of his “church punishment” rather our goal was to make sure that no child was ever abused by this man again. I asked him specifically if he had called the church abuse hotline and he indicated that he had not. I said, “all we are asking is that you call the church abuse hotline and work with them on this situation.” He ended the meeting by telling us that he would consider calling the hotline. Consider it? What does that mean? Why would you NOT call the hotline? Who are you protecting Bishop? Why does he hold all of the power when it comes to this hotline? Where is the number for me to call?

It has been less than three months since this meeting and during that time, the Bishop has met with the abuser and his wife several times. In these meetings, he told them that he does not consider this abuse (meaning he likely never called the abuse hotline), that the wife should stay with the abuser, and that the abuser should wait to make any kind of apology until emotions are not quite as raw. This past Sunday, he blessed his baby. It has been 7 months since the abuse was discovered, and less than 3 months since this Bishop heard the whole truth.

I am angry, I am devastated and I am incredibly discouraged; however, I want to learn from my brave daughter’s example. We will not let another man take our agency away, we will not lose our voice. I will continue to advocate for my daughter every single day and I will do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. Something has to change. We cannot protect abusers. We cannot ask spouses to blindly stay in marriages where they and their children are at risk. We cannot doubt victims and we absolutely cannot promote a culture where it is ok for a church leader to believe that a 15-year-old is capable of consent. The church policy on abuse states that the hotline should be called for EVERY case where there is abuse or risk of abuse. As long as church leaders feel that they are qualified to determine what is and what is not abuse, this policy does not go far enough. Bishops need to be required to call every time there is mention of abuse, not just when they think there is abuse; and they need to be held personally accountable if they chose to violate this policy. Additionally, members need access to a hotline so their access to help is not limited by the judgments of one church leader. Above all, the focus at all times should be on the safety and well-being of victims and not on protecting the confidentiality and reputation of the abusers. #MormonMeToo

Domestic violence in the church: When women are believed, change will happen

[image error]Tonight, hundreds of people are expected to gather in North Sydney (Australia) to talk about how church communities can take action on domestic violence. Last year’s event, called Time to Listen, was organised by Northside Baptist and sold out. At this one, called Time to Act, survivors and experts will discuss how they believe the church must change. 

Domestic violence in the church: When women are believed, change will happen.

 

 

 

The Cake

Baking is not on my list of talents. I am a frugal eater and not at all adept in food decorating, so my abilities reach to basic banana cakes and chocolate chip cookies. I love beautiful things, I just can’t seem to make my small, stubby fingers weave those things from my imagination into tangible offerings.

The other day our very loud doorbell rang over a very loud, screaming child. Surprisingly chill, I opened the door to find one of my ministering sisters holding a large piece of her leftover birthday cake. This cake, layered with a chocolate drip over white creamy icing, and decorated with Kinder and Ferrero chocolates, was indeed a welcome sight. We gratefully consumed the confection my sister had carefully made for her own birthday to share with her loved ones.

 

I am turning 30 this year. I like to joke that I feel old, but that’s not true. This is the best I’ve felt in my life, and I naturally want a cake to reflect the auspiciousness of this age milestone. My ‘thirty, flirty and thriving’ cake.

I immediately had my husband request that our friend makes the cake, just like the one she had shared with us. I had one condition . . . she had to let us pay.

When I was a teenager I babysat a stranger’s children for a whole day, so they could attend a wedding. When the time for payment came, even though I could really use the money, I refused. It was about 10% wanting to impress a boy and 90% because that’s what nice Mormon girls do, right? We serve. Maybe I took too literally the concept of laying up treasures in heaven, and not in the earth.

But when is treasure, or in this case, remuneration, deserved? I’ve asked myself again and again, and I’m not sure if there is a firm line in the sand. I do believe, however, that Mormons aren’t always good at paying for skilled labour. We give so freely, and I fear sometimes we inappropriately expect the same in return.

Thus, we had a hard time convincing our friend to receive money for making my cake. With a (friendly) threat of simply firing her, she finally caved in and let us pay for her skills that neither of us has. It felt right to pay.

Some questions I’m going to ask myself in the future:

How many hours will this take the person?
Are there material costs involved?
In the outside world, do people expect to be paid for this?
Am I utilising skills that the person has taken considerable effort to gain?

 

What are your thoughts? What are some other questions we can ask ourselves before asking another member of the LDS church for assistance?

Relief Society Lesson Plan: “Ministering as the Savior Does” by Jean B. Bingham

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With the restructuring of the Relief Society lesson curriculum, President Bingham’s April 2018 address is designated as a General Conference address that can be a theme for a lesson for 2ndand 3rdSunday meetings.

President Bingham’s remarks have to do with ministering in general as well as specific adaptations and changes to the former visiting teaching program, now called “ministering.” Her guidance could serve as an ongoing resource for Council Sunday classes, Ministering interviews, as well as a supplement and guide to 4thSunday lessons on Ministering. This lesson plan can be used and adapted to any of the possible class formats.

The directive for 2nd/3rdweek lessons and suggested lesson plan from the Ensign is found at this link. It includes the following instructions for 2nd/3rdSunday teachers.

A Pattern for Our Meeting

After the presidency member conducts the opening business and follows up on past lesson’s action items or the sharing of success stories, the class discussion time is turned over to a teacher.  The discussion is presented as an opportunity to “Learn Together” through the following ways:

Search for something


An Answer to a Question
An Inspiring Passage
An Example of a Principle (Principle = “a concentrated truth, packaged for application across a wide variety of circumstances”)


Share and discuss what you find
Consider how the message applies to the participant’s own lives and experiences.

Here are some questions and possible learning opportunities pulled from her words.

Q: “Why do we serve others?” or “How do we show love and gratitude for God and Jesus Christ?” (Paragraph 2)  “What sort of things “count” as service?” (Paragraph 3)

Inspiring Passage: “As you have the privilege to represent the Savior in your ministering efforts, ask yourself….What is the Spirit inspiring me to do?”

The transformation of the Activity-formerly-known-as-visiting-teaching to “ministering” is similar to recent improvements made to the missionary program. Scripted discussions went away, and a principle-based/Spirit-led approach was introduced in Preach My Gospel.  Doing away with scripted conversations, spiritual discussions and friendships will improve the organic way women relate to one another in the Relief Society. Throw out the script and listen to the Spirit!  Draw from your existing knowledge base of gospel truths and principles, show empathy and “Do What She Needs.”

Q: How can we think outside the box of what opportunities or activities we could do as part of our Ministering efforts? (Paragraph 6)

Q: Given these additional ideas about ministering to others, would anyone like to share an experience of being on the receiving end of such a needed ministry that went beyond a perfunctory visit with a photocopied message? (examples in Paragraphs 7,8,10)

Paragraph 12 discusses the inclusion of Young Women ages 14-18 in the Relief Society ministering efforts. An entire “1stSunday Council meeting” could be devoted to this topic, but some discussion time could be spent in this lesson about ways to help integrate the YW from your specific ward in the ministering work. What unique talents do they possess, and how could they be magnified by needed service? Invite mothers of current YW to share ways to relate to their daughters and suggestions for how to involve them in service.

Inspiring Passage: “No matter our age, when we consider how to minister most effectively, we ask, ‘What does she [or he] need?’ Coupling that question with sincere desire to serve, we are then led by the Spirit to do what would lift and strengthen the individual.”

Q: What’s the difference between doing what WE think she needs versus doing what she ACTUALLY needs, or what the Spirit tells us she might need? How can we find out if our idea to serve someone is welcome and helpful? How can we avoid being pushy with our service and inserting ourselves in an unwelcome way?

Q: What motivates “true ministering?” How can the power of our ministering be “irresistible”? (Paragraph 18)

Inspiring Passage: “The Savior is our example in everything – not only in what we should do by whywe should do it.”  (Paragraph 19)

Example of a Principle (unity): “How does it feel when ministering is carried out in this way? (4 Nephi 1:15-16)

Suggestion for the Closing Hymn: Sing “Lord I would follow Thee” but ask everyone beforehand to switch to all female pronouns: she, sister. It’s a powerful exercise to connect our hymn of prayer directly to the women in the room with us. Sometimes the gendered language of our hymns doesn’t register in our minds until we flip it, but when we do, it can have a tremendous impact.  This would be a lovely way to end the class discussion.

Whiteness Strikes Again

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https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/13/op...

I am a white woman who claims Mormonism (it’s complicated, I do Community of Christ now) and Feminism. This week we saw the a fake news hoax in the Mormon corner of the internet that deeply upset black Mormons. During this episode, the white hoaxer co-opted the pain of black Mormons for his own purposes, a classic example of whiteness in action. Black Mormons shared their reactions in a number of videos here, here, and here. Please watch them, even if you missed the hoax incident.

Whiteness plays out continually in Mormonism. Gina Colvin, in her blog and in the A Thoughtful Faith podcast that she hosts, is always pointing out the ways in which the culture, attitudes, and political beliefs of white American Mormons are set up as “normal” in the LDS Church. This centering of whiteness in the LDS Church is a problem that many white folks have not yet learned to see or understand. We need to stop engaging in structural and individual behaviors that create a hostile environments for people of color in our faith community. I hope that we can see that this de-centering of whiteness is part of the work of Jesus, part of loving our neighbor, part of becoming Zion.

When I am teaching or speaking about whiteness, I like to start with the The Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh. It’s an article on white privilege. At the beginning, she notes

I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group.

This really struck me when I first read it because I learned the same thing growing up in Maine. As long as I wasn’t outwardly mean or rude, I was not racist. And, quite frankly, being #NotRacist in this way was comforting. I was a good, checklist-oriented Mormon teen, and I was killing it with all of my non-meanness. But racism is more than individual acts of unkindness or discrimination, it includes systems that exclude and discriminate, systems that prioritize the cultures and values of white people over people of color. Racism creates a privileged class of white people, even if you don’t feel or see that privilege right now. But learning to feel and see privilege it is precisely what God calls us to do and formed the bulk of Jesus’ criticisms of the Pharisees.

In my experience, white people are often resistant to the idea of white privilege until they see the examples that she gives.

I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

It’s a good list. I have read it many times and it has helped me to see the ways in which white privilege has impacted my life. It helped me to start to see the whiteness of my environment. I learned that my experiences and life have been impacted by race, but for most of my life I’ve been ignorant of that fact. Once I started to see evidence of my white privilege at work, I understood that I needed more education. It’s a process and I’m still learning.

Right now, I’d like to invite you to learn with me.

I’d like for us to compile a similar list but with a focus on the white privilege experienced in Mormonism, Feminism, and at the intersection of the two.

I’ll start with a few:

I grew up in a church where I was taught that people of my race were righteous in the Pre-Existence, that my spirit had made righteous choices that are now a core part of my self.

I grew up in a church where God and Jesus were always depicted as sharing my race.

I participate in Feminist communities where when I am asked my opinion, people understand that I am an individual and my opinion is my own and not representative of my race.

I can speak and move in the spaces of Mormonism and Feminism without my words or actions reflecting negatively on my race.

Please note: the comments for this post are not a place to debate the existence of white privilege, to talk about so-called “reverse racism,” or to process the feelings of white people about whiteness. Please hold those conversations in other places. This is a place to brainstorm and learn to see whiteness. If that is something you are not ready to do, then do not comment below. 

fMh anthology – get your copy now!

Exponent Blogger Nancy Ross and Feminist Mormon housewives blogger Sara Katharine Staheli Hanks worked together to present this 10 year “fMh greatest hits” anthology. Future reviews of this great book and the work of the writers that went into it are forthcoming on the blog, but you’ve got to get your copy first! Read and re-read some of the most compelling posts along with us.

 

Seeking Racial Harmony in a Culture of Whiteness

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At a meeting this week with leadership from the NAACP, President Nelson said “We are impressed to call on […] the entire world to demonstrate greater civility, racial and ethnic harmony and mutual respect.”

He had started by quoting the Family: A Proclamation to the World, “Nearly a quarter century ago, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles proclaimed that ‘All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.’”

This Proclamation was written from a heteronormative point of view, and its goal is to keep marriage and family centered around heterosexual relationships. What’s clear in the way it’s being used now is that it was also written from a place of white privilege, and rather than using this opportunity to explore their assumptions, the First Presidency are asking members of colour to fit themselves into this frame of whiteness.

In their own statement, the church recognizes that repentance and forgiveness are key elements of healthy relationships, and warn that those who fail to fulfill their responsibilities will stand accountable before God. When the church doesn’t seek forgiveness for its actions against black and brown peoples, it’s either showing that repentance isn’t actually important or that they don’t believe the harm they’ve caused is actually, meaningfully wrong.

It reminded me of when, in January 2015, now-President Oaks said in an interview: “I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them […]. We sometimes look back on issues and say, ‘Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,’ but we look forward and not backward.”

For some members (which means it should be the case for all members, if we take our baptismal covenants seriously), the way the church talks about the Temple and Priesthood Ban causes pain today. If the church wishes to look forward on this issue, and to demonstrate greater civility and respect, it requires a repentance process — something needs to change.

Jane Manning James is sealed as a slave to Joseph Smith – an ordinance for which someone else had to stand in proxy, because she was not allowed to enter the temple. Does that speak of racial harmony? Must our black and brown brothers and sisters accept a cultural structure of whiteness to allow this ethnic harmony President Nelson wishes for?

Our rules about and approach to music in sacrament meeting are racist. Our expectation that men and boys will wear crisp white shirts to participate in ordinances and the hairstyles we consider appropriate are upholding the colonialism of white American culture. The stories about pioneers failing to mention Green Flake, who was a slave and travelled with the first pioneers, is because we centre a culture of whiteness. We’d rather not deal with the discomfort of learning that his labour was given to the church as tithing. And we white members, who make up the majority of church leadership, can ensure we don’t have to deal with that, simply by not mentioning it. I’m 30 years old, and I was born into the church, to a mother who was born into the church. Today is the first time I’d heard Green Flake’s name.

We can’t claim to be in the world but not of the world — a peculiar people — if we fail to extricate ourselves from a white supremacist culture. Referring to the Family Proclamation saying that we each have a divine nature and destiny, but failing to acknowledge that for some people, for much of our history, that divine nature and destiny was seen as eternally lesser than our white brothers and sisters, is not respectful. Calling on the whole world to change, and refusing to acknowledge changes we ourselves need to make is very arrogant.

At the end of his remarks, President Nelson said “Together we invite all people, organizations and governmental units to work with greater civility, eliminating prejudice of all kinds and focusing more on the many areas and interests that we all have in common.”

If the areas and interests we are to have in common require people of color to discard their interests and take up ours, the interests of white church leadership and membership, we are perpetuating structures of whiteness. It’s going to take a lot of work to tear them down. I would have liked to have seen acknowledgement of that in President Nelson’s remarks.

Derrick Johnson, president and CEO of the NAACP, said “We are clear that it is our job to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.” If the church truly wishes for greater civility, racial and ethnic harmony and mutual respect, it is incumbent on us now to listen.

Guest Post: Things I would tell my daughter (or son) if she was going on a mission

[image error]by Ashley

Your mission president is probably a good man, who has been called because he has held many church callings and been very professionally successful. Unless he went to medical school, he is not a doctor. Nor is he a mental health professional so he is not qualified to make any decision related to your medical or mental health.

Chances are, he is also not an expert in church history or even church doctrine, so if he gives you strange counsel, rather than believing him just because he is your mission president, research it and let me and your father know what it us so you can learn to differentiate counsel of the spirit from counsel of the flesh.

You are in an area that is unknown to us with customs that may be strange to you. Try to learn everything you can about the culture and treat the people there with respect and deference. But be mindful of differences and customs that can lead to harm to you or other missionaries. You will encounter people who are not seeking the gospel but who lead happy and fulfilling lives. Wish them well. You will encounter others who are seeking the gospel. Welcome them, be gentle and patient with them. You will encounter others who are not seeking the gospel but who are struggling with many things in life. The answer for them may not be church membership – it may be a food pantry, a domestic violence shelter, or a suicide hotline. Before you left, we researched all of these resources for the area that you are in. Don’t be afraid to give community resources to the people you meet.

Your father, your grandfathers, and many other people we know and love, had wonderful mission experiences. We also have some friends who didn’t have such wonderful experiences on their mission. And as a therapist, I have worked with many people who experienced quite a bit of harm on their missions and whose personal safety was compromised.

We hope you will have, and want you to have, a happy, healthy, and successful mission (which means a lot of different things). We feel that as your parents, it is our job to protect you and advocate for you. We think we have a better sense of your safety than anyone else. As a licensed mental health professional, I also happen to believe that I likely have a better sense of trauma, mental illness, mental wellness, and assault and abuse than your mission president does. I am going to give you an instruction that you are to violate any mission rules about calling home should any of the following scenarios arise while you are serving a mission. These scenarios will not be unfamiliar to you, because we have talked about them in our home since you were small. If any of these scenarios happen to you, they are not your fault. You did nothing to invite them, and it has nothing to do with your obedience, worthiness, or commitment to your mission.

We love you. We believe that God loves you as well, and that you are cherished by Heavenly Mother and Heavenly Father. But we do not believe that goodness protects you from harm, and we want you to be safe, both physically and emotionally. We want the same for those around you. So you call us, collect, no questions asked, should any of these issues arise. If your mission president seeks to punish you for breaking the rules, we will intercede as much as we can because these are OUR rules. We give you our love as you go off on this spiritual journey. We will be here whenever you need us.

• If your companion – or any other missionary – hits you, or physically assaults you in any manner, you call your mission president immediately. Then, you call me, no matter what the rules are. In fact, CALL ME FIRST. No matter what the rules are.

• If your companion – or any other missionary – threatens to physically harm you, immediately notify your mission president and CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.

• If your companion – or any other missionary – talks about harming themselves or anyone else, notify your mission president immediately and CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.

• If your companion – or any other missionary – attempts to kiss you, touches your body in ways that makes you uncomfortable or attempts to be sexual with you, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so we can discuss how to report this to your mission president and keep you safe.

• If your mission president, or any other member of the church physically harms you, threatens to physically harm you, talks about harming you or anyone else, or in any way touches you, touches your body in ways that make you uncomfortable, or attempts to be sexual with you, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.

• If your mission president, or any other member of the church talks to you about sex or masturbation (beyond a simple “Do you follow the law of chastity), or attempts to meet with you alone in secret, or buys personal gifts for you, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.

• If your mission president, or any other member of the church, makes comments to you about being a polygamous wife, email or call me immediately.

• If you mission president, another missionary, or any other member of the church does any of the above to any other missionary you serve with, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY.

• If an investigator hits you or physically assaults you in any matter, call your mission president immediately and then call me.

• If an investigator threatens to physically harm you, immediately call your mission president and then call me.

• If an investigator talks about harming themselves, or anyone else, notify your mission president and CALL me.

• If an investigator or someone in the community talks about wanting to commit suicide, reach out to the crisis/mental health resources we have already identified in your area.

• If you observe domestic violence or sexual or physical abuse in an investigator’s home, CALL ME so we can discuss how to report this to your mission president to maximize your safety and the safety of the family.

• If anyone in the community of your mission physically harms you, threatens to physically harm you, follows or stalks you, verbally harasses you, or makes sexual comments or attempts to grope you, molest you, or rape you, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so that I can notify the church and your mission president that you in an unsafe situation and assess the safety measures your mission has put in place.

• If your companion, another missionary, your mission president, or any member of the church puts you in a situation that you do not feel comfortable or safe in, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY. This could include riding in a car with no seatbelt, unsafe volunteer opportunities, being alone with people you do not know, tracting in the dark in unfamiliar or unsafe areas, or any number of scenarios.

• If your companion, mission president or another missionary are putting pressure on an investigator to get baptized or make a commitment to getting baptized and you do not think the family is ready, or that they have all the information they need to make that decision, advocate with those people as to why this family or investigator may not be ready. And call or email me so I can assist you with this.

• If you discover that someone in your mission is falsifying information related to proselytizing and baptizing, report it to everyone you can think of and report it to me so that I can assist you with making sure all parties are being truthful.

• If you are sick, and your companion, mission president or any other missionary do not allow you to rest and recover from illness or get medical treatment, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so that I can ensure you get well.

• If another missionary is sick and the mission president or any other missionary do not allow them to rest and recover from illness or get medical treatment, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so that I can advocate for that missionary to get well.

• If you experience depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, or suicidal thoughts at ANY point on your mission, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so that I can ensure you get appropriate treatment for mental health needs.

• If another missionary you serve with experiences depression, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness, or suicidal thoughts at ANY point on their mission, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so that I can advocate for that missionary to get appropriate treatment for their mental health needs.

• If another scenario arises that I have not covered here, but that makes you extremely uncomfortable, you CALL ME IMMEDIATELY so I can help you make a plan.

With love,

Your mother

Ashley was shocked to discover that motherhood is actually one of her passions, and is constantly balancing being a mother and her job.  She is a licensed clinical social worker and adjunct professor living in New York City with her husband, toddler, and cat.  It is continually surprising to her that the place of birth on her passport is Provo, Utah, because she lived there for six months after she was born and has not lived in Utah since.  Ashley really believes her chicken pot pie is the best you will ever eat, and also bakes a mean chocolate layer cake.  This post is largely informed by her previous work as a therapist for LDS Family Services. 

The Super Obvious Advantages of Male Biology to Priesthood Leadership

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Figure Studies by Leonardo Da Vinci

Let’s talk about the unique attributes that men possess that make them better suited to preside over the church than women.

Take height, for example. On average, men are taller than women. This makes it possible for men to keep important priesthood artifacts such as sacrament trays on high shelves and retrieve them without the worldly aid of a step stool.

Unless, of course, they choose to keep them in a lower location, like under the sacrament table. Then maybe shortness would be handier. Luckily, that height thing doesn’t apply to all men. There are many short men. There are also many tall women.

Never mind. Didn’t the Lord scold Samuel for judging people by their height?

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (Samuel 16:7)

The heart! That must be the key. Let’s talk about how the male heart is different from a female heart and better equips males for religious leadership.  The male fetal heartbeat is, on average, slower than a female fetal heartbeat at the time of labor.  This is important to the welfare of the church because, well, um—forget it. We don’t ordain fetuses to the priesthood, anyway.

But there are differences between adult male and female hearts, too. Men are less likely to have heart disease than women, which is part of the reason males enjoy longer life expectancy than females. Since they usually live longer, males have more opportunity to gather the life experience necessary to perform well in church leadership roles. Moreover, there are more senior males than females who are alive, healthy and available to serve.

Oh wait. I got my facts mixed up a little there. It’s actually men who are more prone to heart disease and women who live longer. Hmm.

Let’s focus more on how male biology lends itself to personality qualities necessary to lead the church. Most men have higher testosterone levels than women, and higher testosterone has been linked to aggression.

Yikes! I thought religious leaders were supposed to be meek, not aggressive. Luckily, many men are not aggressive at all. In fact, there is so much overlap in personality traits between the sexes that sex might not be a very good tool at all for predicting an individual’s personality or capacity for spiritual leadership.

Clearly, we need to consider a trait that is found in all men, but never in women. I got it: penises. Almost all men have one, while women usually lack this important organ, which makes it possible for men to pee standing up and even eject semen, not that I can think of any way that either of these two skills could be useful while performing official priesthood duties.

So what is it about having a penis that makes a person better qualified to perform church duties? If you are supposed to keep your genitals in your pants while administering the priesthood, why does it matter what kind of genitalia are under those pants?

Guest Post: Unsaid Prayer

[image error]by Sara

A few weeks ago I was asked by a member of the bishopric to give a prayer. As I hesitantly agreed, he added, “Under one condition. You don’t write it down this time.” I stared at him blankly and felt anxious. I had given a prayer about a year ago and had written it down. Prior to that I have only given two other prayers during sacrament and had scribbled something down. No one had ever said anything to me. I turned to social media later that day and stated how I didn’t even know that wasn’t allowed and apologized for “offending the bishopric since I seem to be good at doing so.” I added how the last time I had pondered what I wanted to say throughout the week and wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget and in turn would help ease my anxiety over speaking in church (another post for another time). He responded that it was perfectly acceptable to ponder, but writing down a prayer would hinder the “Spirit” and only Sacrament and Temple prayers were allowed to be written. We agreed I would give the closing prayer.

As the week progressed, I felt a strong urging to write it down. I tried ignoring it to appease the counselor, but the feeling persisted. Thursday during my teacher planning, I grabbed a 3×5 card and began writing. The words were fluid. I didn’t stop until I filled the card. When I put my teacher blue pen down, I smiled. I felt at peace. I felt ready.

Sunday morning rolled around. I wore a skirt with pockets, the 3×5 card scrapping so loudly against the fabric I assumed everyone near me could hear it. No one noticed besides me. I could feel my heart beating faster with every word the 2nd speaker said to the point I heard ringing in my ears. After the sister closed her talk, the same counselor who had put conditions on my prayer walked to the pulpit, “Thank you Bro X and Sis Y. After our concluding speaker, Bro Z will give us our invocation.”

What? I thought. Something was wrong. I was told I would be giving the prayer. I had prepared all week, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I had experienced a great moment with the Holy Ghost. I finally felt prepared, that I had made progress in my years-long struggle with church. I quietly placed my 3×5 card back into my purse feeling defeated. The bishopric KNOWS I struggle, they KNOW of my anxiety surrounding church, they claim to KNOW my heart. But what they DIDN’T know is that I had strong spiritual moment. I felt that I had lost, but in a sense, they were the ones that lost. They do NOT know my heart, they do NOT understand my struggles. But this week, I KNOW my God is always with me when man is not.

UPDATE

The story did have an update this past Sunday. Friday evening, I received a message asking me to pray (by the same counselor). I replied that I had thought I was supposed to pray two weeks prior to which he apologized over and over again. I cried myself to sleep Saturday night, anxious about agreeing to pray. In a way, I feared I’d be forgotten about only to be tormented again by my fears and anxiety. When the closing hymn hit its last few notes, I walked up to the stand, my organs crammed in my throat. I was terrified I would see my Kroger Frosted Flakes again. As I reached into my pocket of my skirt and watched the congregation slowly bow their heads in sync, I froze. I felt like the counselor was watching me. I prayed, and absolutely hated what came out of my mouth. It didn’t feel right or real. It wasn’t me. I kept it short, hoping not to stumble over any words. I kept thinking, I’m a teacher by profession; I speak in front of a hundred students daily. Why was an audible prayer so difficult? The counselor caught up with me during 3rd hour and kept saying how proud he was and grateful for me facing my fears. I faked a laugh and joked that I hadn’t used “thee’s and thou’s” to which he replied, “yes you did.” I felt even more hollow. I had failed myself. I had failed the Spirit that had spoken to me in great lengths during the week to say something that wasn’t genuine in order to keep within the “Mormon mold”.

Sara wishes she could spend her days binge watching The Office, but spends most of her time playing with her son, teaching the youth of tomorrow, and making weekly batches of chocolate chip cookies