Exponent II's Blog, page 256

The Temple: Symbolic vs. Literal in Theory and in Practice

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Like many who are troubled with the disparity in the covenants and roles of men and women in the temple, I have often been told by well-meaning individuals that I shouldn’t let the sexism in the temple bother me because the endowment is meant to be symbolic, not literal. I have heard many people’s interpretations of the symbolism in the endowment, particularly in the hearken covenant (where men covenant to obey God, but women covenant to hearken to the counsel of their husbands as their husbands hearken to God), and I have found beauty and some comfort in these narratives. One such interpretation posits that Adam represents Christ, who is subject to God, and Eve represents mankind or the church, which is subject to Christ. Another interpretation suggests Adam represents the spirit and Eve represents the carnal body, and the spirit should learn to govern the body, not be governed by physical appetites.

Setting aside the problematic aspects of always assigning male to the dominant symbol and female to the subservient one, I can see value in these and other interpretations, and I know many who find them meaningful. More often than not, however, it seems most people take the temple, or at least the covenants made in the temple, at face value.

I recently had a troubling conversation with a friend. I asked her about a potential move she and her husband were considering and how she felt about it. She listed several very valid reasons why she didn’t want to move to this new place, but her husband was insistent. She had often deferred to her husband’s strong opinions throughout their decades of marriage, even when she held strong opinions of her own, but the thought of deferring to him in this instance caused her great turmoil. She said she went to the temple to seek guidance, and throughout the ceremony, she was struck by the admonition that she was to hearken to her husband. She felt going along with his desires was what God expected of her, regardless of the toll it would take on her happiness.

Some people, in hearing this anecdote, might say, “Well, maybe God really was telling her to listen to her husband.” Others might say, “This is an isolated incident; no woman I know actually takes that covenant seriously.”

My point, though, is this: while we give much lip-service to looking at the endowment symbolically and most people believe it’s symbolic in theory, the results seem to be somewhat different in practice. The church itself gives a lot of conflicting rhetoric about the relationship dynamic between husbands and wives. In the Family Proclamation, for example, it states that “by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families,” but two sentences later it says “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” The paradox of patriarchy is that a man by definition cannot both preside over his wife and also be an equal partner with her.

The dissonance of disparity in the temple reaches tentacles into even the most egalitarian marriages; it plants a seed of doubt, a niggling insecurity that when they are in conflict, the wife’s desires might not be as important as the husband’s. That maybe it really is her job to always be the one to hearken. That maybe this really is what God wants from His daughters.

If the church truly believes in marriages of equal partners, then it needs to divorce itself from concern about who presides and patriarchal hierarchies. And if we truly believe the temple is symbolic, then we need to ensure that shows up in our practice.

ElleK listens to NPR in the car, sings in the shower, and crusades from her couch. Women’s issues in the church are not a pebble in her shoe; they are a boulder on her chest.

Church takes action against Mission President

A man becomes mission president and mistreats his Sister missionaries. The church takes swift action to remove and excommunicate him.

https://www.sltrib.com/news/2018/04/2...

Sacred Music: Remember

Ever since reading how Carol Lynn Pearson will sing many hymns using feminine pronouns, I have tried to more consciously practice this myself. I still feel uncomfortable or just completely forget when I’m at church, but it has been a powerful experience to sit at my piano at home and sing:

Our Mother, God, of all creation hear us sing. In reverence awed at thy Son’s sacrifice.

I did not grow up talking about Heavenly Mother. In many ways, you could say I had forgotten Her. I am looking for Her now and finding Her presence all around.

I find Her when I sing Souviens Toi, from the French hymnal. The original French speaks of divine parents, but my sister’s translation references Heavenly Mother specifically. I picture Her in a circle of women as a newborn baby is passed from one set of arms to another.

 

O my child, in your eyes

Lingers heaven’s light.

You were there not long past,

In our Father’s sight.

Can you feel the warm touch

Of our Mother’s hand?

You were there, in God’s arms,

Then you came to mine.

Tell me child, of their love,

While the veil is thin,

You still feel their embrace,

But my memory’s dim.

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“We should care for the earth, be wise stewards over it, and preserve it for future generations.” -President Russell M. Nelson

The Mormon Newsroom released an excellent statement about our responsibilities to care for the earth:

In Honoring Creation, We Honor the Creator

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All’s Not Well in Zion

This week I had a chance to meet with my friend Melissa for lunch. Melissa stopped attending church 10 years ago. She thought her family was finally adapted to her different feelings about church, and recognized that she was living a good moral life. She shared with me that she had recently supported the “Protect LDS Children” movement on Facebook; and subsequently, the heartache she felt due to the reaction of her family. She decided to come out publicly in support of the movement after following recent events in the media and reflecting on various experiences she knows about. Most of her family continues to be actively engaged in the church and she wants to see healthy policies established that protect young people in the church such as her nieces and nephews. However, when her family saw that she had posted about the movement on facebook they took personal offense. Rather than hearing her voice as one in support of children (as she intended), they felt she was attacking the church and its good name. She felt her family wasn’t hearing what she was saying, and was assuming malintent.

 

[image error]In our church cultures, activism has become so taboo, it is fraught with misunderstanding. In an attempt to avoid evil-speaking, church members are wary to speak up against church leaders and even policies put in place by leadership. We are so sure our church is right and that those who choose to leave are wrong, that we jump to conclusions about their motivations. We forget that although Jesus was obedient to the Father, he was not obedient to the church hierarchy of his day, in fact he often spoke out against it and criticized the church leaders of his day (e.g. In the parable of the good Samaritan, the priest and Levite pass by on the other side of the road in order to keep from becoming ritually ‘unclean’ from the injured man’s blood. He is criticizing protecting the image of cleanliness when it keeps people from doing what is actually good).

 

Orthodoxy wants to protect the institution of the church from dissenting voices, rather than hear out those voices and consider whether the criticisms may be valid. I find it dangerous for the general population of the church to plug their ears or suppress their consciences and keep silent. This is not a righteous silence. Scriptures warn of the mindset “All is is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well” (2 Nephi 28:21). We would do well to remember church leaders do not always get it right, and policies that protect predators, rather than the innocent, must be changed. Is it not righteous to speak out against injustice and protect the vulnerable?

 

In the New Testament, we read that Saul was confident that he was in the right. He knew his place and knew the rules. He was hunting heretics. Then Saul hears the voice of God, becomes blinded, and his complete world view is shattered. Instead of leading the fight against heretics, he must be led in a new path. He has no idea what is coming next. He is told to go and wait. Once stripped of certainty, God can work with him. The illusion of orthodoxy is not what makes him a tool of God, but his broken heart. He let go of everything he knew and waited to be taught his new mission and how to use his voice. His new mission alienated him from the structure he used to support.

 

Our outward performances to fulfil the law are not bringing us to God. Protecting the church’s reputation rather than protecting individual members of the church, is misguided. If we are so sure our church is getting everything right, we may be missing the very thing God is giving us to show us the error of our ways and correct our path. Humility lets life turn things upside down and lets us loosen our hold on certainty, so God can finally work with us, just like Saul.

 

Relief Society Lesson Plan: “Young Women in the Work” by Bonnie L. Oscarson

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[Photo by Bruce Mars on Pexels.]

Access President Oscarson’s April 2018 General Conference talk here.

Write this quote from the talk on the board (if available) and ask for a volunteer to read it aloud:

“Every young woman in the Church should feel valued, have opportunities to serve, and feel that she has something of worth to contribute to this work.”

Ask the class to close their eyes (if they feel comfortable doing so) and think back to when they were ages 12 to 18 and what their goals and dreams were for themselves as teenagers. (Give them one to two minutes to ponder this question silently.)

Discuss their answers.

Next, ask the class to try to recall the activities they enjoyed participating in as teenagers or pre-teens, including ways they liked helping others. (Take another minute for this.)

Discuss their answers.

Read these sections from President Oscarson’s conference address:

“In Handbook 2, we learn that the work of salvation within our wards includes ‘member missionary work, convert retention, activation of less-active members, temple and family history work, and teaching the gospel.’ . . . For many years now, our presidency has been asking the question ‘Which of these areas mentioned should our young women not be involved in?’ The answer is that they have something to contribute in all areas of this work. . . . [Italics added]

“As we consider the roles that our young women will be expected to assume in the near future, we might ask ourselves what kind of experiences we could provide for them now that will help with their preparation to be missionaries, gospel scholars, leaders in the Church auxiliaries, temple workers, wives, mothers, mentors, examples, and friends.”

I would emphasize that since more than half of women in the U.S.  work outside the home—even in Utah—that these roles will likely include contributing to society in their work/career lives, which also benefits others. (See this link from United States Department of Labor’s Statistics and Data page for more info: https://www.dol.gov/wb/stats/stats_da...)

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Give the class a challenge to sit in groups of 2 to 4 people and come up with ideas for how  they could have practiced the skills necessary to prepare them to achieve their personal goals and dreams as teenagers in their wards, families, and communities while serving others. Tell them you will ask for a volunteer from each group to briefly share the group’s ideas. (Allow for about five minutes for small group discussion.)

Ask each small group leader to share her group’s ideas for how they might have learned skills as young women that helped them succeed as adults and achieve their personal goals and dreams. 

Now ask the class to narrow their focus to further elaborate specific ways the young women in their ward could be utilized to fulfill President Oscarson’s vision for them to  “feel valued, have opportunities to serve, and feel that [they have] something of worth to contribute to this work.”

If they need a jumping off point, read the following sections from the talk:

“Several months ago, I had the opportunity to test an idea with two 14-year-old young women. I obtained copies of two actual ward council agendas and gave Emma and Maggie each a copy. I asked them to read over the agendas and see if there were any action items from the ward councils in which they might be able to be of service. Emma saw that a new family was moving into the ward, and she said she could help them move in and unpack. She thought she could befriend the children in the family and show them around their new school. She saw there was a ward dinner coming up and felt there were many different ways she could offer her services.

“Maggie saw that there were several elderly people in the ward who needed visits and fellowshipping. She said she would love to visit with and be of help to these wonderful older members. She also felt she could help teach members of the ward how to set up and use social media accounts. There really wasn’t one thing on those agendas with which those two young women could not help! . . .

“Do those who sit on ward councils, or hold any calling in the ward, see the young women as valuable resources to help fill the many needs within our wards? There is usually a long list of situations that require someone to serve, and we often think only of the adults in the ward to meet those needs. Just as our Aaronic Priesthood holders have been invited to labor with their fathers and other men of the Melchizedek Priesthood, our young women can be called upon to provide service and minister to the needs of ward members with their mothers or other exemplary sisters. They are capable, eager, and willing to do so much more than merely attend church on Sundays!” [Italics added for emphasis.]

As a mental health professional, I would advise against purporting that serving others can solve or mitigate mental health issues like depression and anxiety, particularly in the context of a patriarchal religious institution that doesn’t provide young women with equal opportunities for service in their faith community. Use caution when using the following quote, or simply use the italicized section below: “To you, the young women of the Church, your teenage years can be busy and often challenging. We have noticed that many more of you are struggling with issues of self-worth, anxiety, high levels of stress, and perhaps even depression. Turning your thoughts outward, instead of dwelling on your own problems, may not resolve all of these issues, but service can often lighten your burdens and make your challenges seem less hard. One of the best ways to increase feelings of self-worth is to show, through our concern and service to others, that we have much of worth to contribute.” [Italics added]

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[Photo by Bruce Mars on Pexels.]

Conclude the lesson with this quote from President Oscarson and if so moved, bear your testimony of its truthfulness:

“[O]ur young women are amazing. They have talents, unlimited enthusiasm, and energy, and they are compassionate and caring. They want to be of service. They need to know they are valued and essential in the work of salvation.”

 

 

Mormon Woman Places Second in Boston Marathon

[image error]A Mormon woman came in second place in the Boston marathon. It was only the second time she’d ever run a marathon.  My husband and I used her and this accomplishment as an example in Family Home Evening- how it is great to pursue things we love, that first place isn’t always the best, that good men sit on the sidelines and cheer our accomplishments, and the process and humility after such an accomplishment are key to true success. Plus, women are awesome.

 

 

“Ministering” resources for #LDS members

The LDS church has set up a website to help members learn about the new ministering program.  Find it here:

Ministering with Strengthened Melchizedek Priesthood Quorums and Relief Societies

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Also, check out our intro Relief Society lesson about ministering–more to come!

Imagine

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Recently I read a fascinating article by Rosemary Hill. https://www.lrb.co.uk/v40/n07/rosemary-hill/what-does-she-think-she-looks-like. It is about women, fashion, clothing, and uses a phrase, “frock consciousness”, which is deserving of its own discussion. It is well worth reading. A couple of sentences keep running through my mind. “Women have always had to be amphibious. No society has been designed for their comfort or convenience and as they move between the elements, the spheres of private and public, personal and professional, they must constantly adapt, assume disguise or camouflage.” We can add the sphere of church or religion to that list.

Has there ever been a sphere designed for the comfort and convenience of women? It is only recently that the comfort and convenience of women was ever considered in any element of society. It seems to me that advancement in gender equality has usually, at least initially, been grudging tolerance of women, as long as they act more like men. Adapting, assuming disguises and camouflage has been the way into previously male only spheres. Being amphibious is tricky for humans.

In our religious practices, with our very gendered roles, it seems that our female spaces, Young Women and Relief Society, should be designed for our comfort and convenience. Has that been your experience?

If we really, really believe that all are invited unto Christ, to partake of his goodness, we should strive to design our religious practices to be convenient and comfortable for all. What has been your lived experience? Is there any sphere in your life that has been designed for the comfort and convenience of women? Can you even imagine what that would be like?

Mourning and Remembering

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Last General Conference Sunday, my mom got a call from her cousin, about her own mother, my grandmother warrior, Zena. Her body that carried her to both water aerobics and water coloring classes into her 90s was starting to shut down, and that shutting down was happening quickly. Hospice would step in.

…

After the phone call, I walked around my apartment and city for weeks and thought, “My grandma is dying.”

I am doing the dishes, and my grandma is dying. I am nursing my son, and my grandma is dying. (He has her eyes.) I am reading Dear Girl to my daughter, and my grandma is dying. I am tucking them in, or doing morning preschool dropoff, or afternoon preschool pickup, and my grandma is dying. I am telling my daughter for the umpteenth time, “My grandma is dying and I am really sad. It’s Nana’s mom. She’s sad too,” to which she responds, “I didn’t know that,” and I tell her, “You did. I told you.”

…

I am taking a bus into the city by myself for a concert I’ve been looking forward to for months, and my grandma is dying. I am wearing her coat in New York, that she gave me when I lived in her house right after I started my PhD and she is in California, dying.

…

My mother went to be with her. She told me my grandma said my name in her sleep.

…

My mother went back, this time with one of my sisters and her son. They said goodbye to her. It was hard to leave. She told me she thought her mother would live forever. Or at least until November, when she’d turn 100. Don’t we all think this, of the one who made us?

…

I missed a call. It was my dad. I called him back. He struggled to speak. I asked if my grandma died. He said no, but that she was in a coma, and they expected it to be that day, or maybe the next.

I opened facebook and scoured almost every picture I’d ever posted to find pictures of her, then I moved to my siblings, and my cousins, and my mother’s pages. I gathered the pictures in one place as if all of the concentrated focus and remembering could sustain her. As if it could sustain me.

My husband is trying to encourage me to encourage my daughter to pick up her own toys instead of me picking them up for her. I tell him, “This doesn’t matter very much to me right now. My grandma is dying.”

Then right after, I learned that she died, with my cousin by her side, playing Louie Armstrong. He said she went peacefully. He said she knew that she was loved.

…

She was. Loved.

…

I searched for plane tickets and couldn’t stop crying. I posted both of those things on facebook and then cried harder from the kindness that came.

…

I read a poem by Marie Howe, “What the Living Do.” I think of my own version. The living forgets her daughter has “Mixmatched Day” at school, and the next day forgets her daughter’s bookbag. The living misplaces her glasses for four days. She drives to the store for yogurt and diapers. (The living still has to eat, still has a baby-toddler who needs to be changed.) The living reads poems and cries, and children’s books and cries. The living cries. The living looks at the buds, finally flowering on the trees and thinks about the incongruity of death during spring, but how it also carries its own reminder that death isn’t death. The living feels an emptiness she cannot shake, and a brain fuzziness she’s trying to.

The living clings to Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s words, “Well behaved women seldom make history,” because Laurel meant that they should, that she wanted them to, and that she would make a new history to do it, piecing together their lives and stories from a journal entry here, a piece of fabric there, and a lock of hair.

…

I, the living one, think about my grandma’s life and stories. She was an extraordinary, ordinary woman.

…

I wrote some of them here once, how she met her husband during World War II when he was home for a break, and she, as a single woman took a train from California to Texas and tipped the conductor to seat her next to the most handsome man, how they later married at a courthouse, and her sister gathered rations of sugar and butter to make her a small cake, how she brought her (and consequently my) family into the gospel when my mom was two, even though my grandpa told her that if she joined the Mormon church, he’d join the Catholic church, and how she had a career in the 50s when my mom didn’t know any other women who worked, and how she was not the cook in her family (that was my grandpa), but there’s more. (Of course there’s more.)

…

I think of her backyard, that as a child felt like paradise and as an adult felt cozy, the lemon tree on the right side, and the gigantic avocado tree in the center, that somehow sprung from the dwarf tree she planted.

I think of her birthplace, Hooker, Pennsylvania, and her birth time, just weeks after the first world war ended.

She lived on a farm until her dad passed away when she was 11. He said goodbye to her, to go on a trip, and got in a car accident on the way. Her mother moved her and her siblings across the country to be near family. She knew loss, and was sensitive to others who knew loss, who grew up without parents.

She lived through the Great Depression and the second world war. Instead of making her hard, it made her generous. She saved everything and gave everything away.

I once found 20+ bags of sugar scattered throughout her kitchen and her pantry. I thought it must be because of what she told me, about her sister, Vera, gathering sugar and butter rations, to make her a wedding cake.

…

She wasn’t soft in the way grandmas are sometimes thought to be soft, and when I was young I thought she liked boys more than girls. (It might have been true.)

…

I don’t think she ever made cookies for anybody, but she did offer me storebought cookies once, on a day when she saw me crying, then later told me she put my name on the prayer roll at the LA temple when I couldn’t tell her what was wrong. I had never loved her more.

Soon after that I got accepted to Claremont and moved into her home. She’d previously opened it to two of my brothers and one of my cousins.

It was a napping place. Every time I walked in the door, she’d say, “You must be so tired. Why don’t you take a nap?” And more often than not, I was.

…

I think of how she taught me to watercolor on a particularly anxious day and how she laughed and laughed at my pink elephant, modeled after one of Ash Mae’s.

…

I think of her love of chocolate, and how she drank two cups of hot cocoa every day and told me that if her doctor ever told her she needed to stop, she’d say, “Doctor, I’m getting a new doctor.”

I think of the day I drove her to her doctor, after coming home from a Nietzsche class and having her ask me how my day was and if I was busy, before telling me she thought she’d had a stroke. She had, a small one.

…

I think of the day I saw her lick a bowl clean of batter after my friend and I made 500 mini cupcakes for an event. She didn’t know that I was watching, and said to herself, “That takes me back,” smiling like the most carefree child.

…

I think of her sayings, how when she was still driving and would get a good parking place, she’d say, “I must be living right,” and how my siblings and I laughed about it, but also now all say it. How at my oldest sister’s wedding, she wore a bright red dress and said, “Well somebody’s got to wear red!” And how in her part of California, ten miles from LA, she would tell me, “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change!” How when I lived with her, the thing she said most of all was, “Just keep smiling.”