Exponent II's Blog, page 255

Guest Post: Stung #MormonMeToo

[image error]by Summertime

When I read the news articles about Joseph L. Bishop, the former Provo Missionary Training Centre president, my stomach began to churn and I immediately was brought back to my last night in the MTC. When I was supposed to be eagerly anticipating travelling to the mission where I would be serving for the next 18 months, I was instead reporting unwanted touching and sexual harassment to my MTC teacher’s supervisor.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted to serve a mission. Both my parents are converts and I grew up on stories about the missionaries that brought them into the Church. I started accompanying the sister missionaries when I was 10 years old as they tracted and met with prospective members ( a practice that would likely be frowned on today). My father worked as a travelling salesman and when sisters missionaries were not assigned to our area, we would make arrangements with sisters in other areas for me to stay with them for a day or two while my father made his sales calls. I told everyone I was going to be a missionary and I resented having to wait until I was 21 to serve. I also fought back when I was teased that it was only the ugly young women who were left over and unmarriageable who went on missions.

After graduating from Ricks College, I returned home to work until I received my mission call. My parents were not well off and there were several children in our typical Mormon family. There was no mission fund set aside for me, despite my lifelong goal of serving. I did not think that my branch was obligated to support me while I served, but I knew that they had supported other missionaries with limited means. I was deeply wounded when my branch president told me that he wouldn’t submit my papers unless I paid off my student loan and earned a fixed amount of money first. The branch and stake were supporting elders who were already serving and there was no money to pay for a sister missionary to serve. So, my timetable was adjusted and I worked for 9 months in a minimum wage job, where I was harassed and bullied every day, by an assistant manager who took bets on my first day regarding how long I would last. I limped along until, finally, a miracle happened. My former bishop from Ricks let me know that a contact of his was looking for a missionary to support and he had given me this gentleman my name. I was so grateful that I could now serve and fulfill my dream.

I quickly adapted to the routine at the MTC because I was already so familiar with mission life. What I wasn’t able to adapt to was the teacher assigned to our district. There were 4 sisters and 8 elders in our group. As sisters, we quickly realized that we were not going to have an easy ride with our male teacher. He ruled our classroom with an iron fist and did not tolerate any opposition. He constantly berated us for the smallest perceived infraction in our appearance and would frequently comment, for example, on how much of our stockings were showing under our regulation length skirts as we shifted in our seats or climbed the stairs. We discussed during meal times and after class how uncomfortable we were with all the attention he was directing towards us. The elders in our district also began to notice the imbalance in the attention our teacher was giving us.

A new challenge presented itself in the form of the call centre, which was a relatively new innovation for the MTC. I dread imposing on people, and the prospect of making cold calls to follow up on referrals received through the 1-800 numbers, shared during Church television commercials, was a living nightmare for me. The minimal training and pressure to perform made the task especially distressing. During one particular session in the centre, I became increasingly concerned about how much time our teacher was spending with my companion and how close he pulled his chair next to hers. After a few difficult calls, I turned off my computer and took off my headset. I was done and nothing could convince me to continue. The teacher walked over to my station, pulled his chair close to mine and reached under the desk and touched my upper left thigh. I felt like I had been stung. I quickly stood up and walked out of the call centre. A few of the elders followed me and seeing how upset I was, asked what had happened. When I explained, they became angry and became animated with how they would retaliate. I told them that I would be fine and somehow made it through the rest of the days of our training in the midst of the persistent singling out from the teacher.

That unwanted touch played over and over in my mind and I was at a loss as to what to do about it, but I knew for certain that it was uninvited and unwanted. The MTC was a foreign environment with an unfamiliar hierarchy. Our teacher had bragged that his supervisor was his best friend and I wasn’t sure that making a complaint would make a difference. I felt ripped off and angry that at the start of my mission, a goal that I had waited years to attain, I had been violated in this way.

Finally, on our last night in the MTC, after speaking with my companion about it again, I went to the reception area, where just days before, I had entered as a new missionary, and asked who I would speak to about a concern about my teacher. The person at the desk called my teacher’s supervisor, his best friend. My heart sunk when I saw him, but somehow through my tears, I was able to share what my companion and I had experienced. He thanked me for telling him and after he left, that was it. No one followed up with me and no one offered me support. I never heard anything more about it.

When I met my trainer in my first area, I told her what happened, and she accused me of making it up. Then I gave up, buried my feelings and tried to be the best sister missionary I could. I tried so hard to become the perfect missionary that I damaged my health, and was almost sent home early, because I was a liability for the Missionary Health Department. When I finished my mission it was a relief and nothing close to the best years of my life.

I have made my peace with those 18 months so long ago and I suppose in that time I have forgiven that teacher. But if there is a flyover shot of the MTC during the Mormon Report, between General Conference sessions, I become nauseated and tears come to my eyes as the film of that moment 18 years ago replays in my mind, in perfect detail. The sting is still there.

Summertime supports women in finding their voices professionally and unprofessionally.

March Young Women Lesson: What Is the Atonement of Jesus Christ?

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For the lds.org lesson plan, click here.

Preparatory Note

This lesson deals with an important subject matter but one that can get kind of personal if people feel moved upon to share their griefs and sorrows or their sins and how the Atonement helped them overcome those. Impress upon the class the necessity of honoring the confidences of their classmates by not sharing outside the class any personal stories that their classmates share. Also impress upon the class that the sharing of personal stories is optional.

Introduce the Doctrine

This section starts out with a thought exercise asking the class members how they would respond if a friend asks them what the Atonement of Jesus Christ is. This is an excellent introduction because the ability to explain a principle aids in understanding it. Especially if you live in a primarily non-LDS community, it’s also important to understand the ways in which we use terminology that is different from our neighbors to explain similar concepts. This is also an important thing to understand to help prepare them for missionary service in the future. While many other Christian churches don’t use the term “Atonement”, they still believe in the concept. It would be useful to explain to them that other believers in Christ may refer to things like “suffering on the cross”, “the passion”, “the grace of God”, etc. to encompass what we call “the Atonement”.

This quote from Joseph Smith explains the centrality of the Atonement to our belief system. “The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.” (History of the Church, 3:30)

The New Testament reminds us that “the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.” (Revelation 19:10) Anyone who has a testimony of Jesus is a prophet, so the testimonies of class members about Jesus constitute part of these fundamental principles of our religion.

Learn Together

In addition to the learning activities presented in the lesson outline, it’s important to address why the Atonement is necessary. We live in a fallen world, where we are subject to sin, death, and sorrow. We cannot save ourselves, so Jesus came to do what we can’t do. The Atonement is for our sins, but it’s also for the effects of the sins that others have committed against us.

In her book Lighten Up, Chieko Okazaki gave a poignant description of the Atonement. (Note that some of the content in this quote deals with mature issues. You may want to cut out parts of it for Beehives or Mia Maids, but it’s probably appropriate in its entirety for Laurels.)

“Well, my dear sisters, the gospel is the good news that can free us from guilt. We know that Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It’s our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. His last recorded words to his disciples were, “And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (Matthew 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He’s been there. He’s been lower than all that. He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.

Live What We Are Learning

In addition to the examples in the lesson outline, a discussion of the sacrament would fit in nicely here. Each Sunday, we have the opportunity to physically take the Atonement and make it a part of ourselves by eating the bread in remembrance of the body of Jesus and drinking the water in remembrance of the blood of Jesus. As we partake of the sacrament, we are incorporating the wondrous sacrifice of our Lord into our very souls.

Conclusion

If moved upon to do so, share your testimony of the Atonement and/or invite class members to share their testimonies of the Atonement.

Guest Post: Thoughts on Conference

Guest post by Linda Gifford. Shehas a BS in Civil Engineering with a Minor in Spanish and an MBA. She served a mission in Argentina and spent 38 years in the Air Force. She is recently divorced after 45 years of marriage. Linda came out as transgender in Sep 2017 at the age of 68. She is a member of the Butterfield Ward in the Tucson West Stake. This is a letter written to Linda’s ward leaders. Near the end of the letter, she mentions her efforts and request for a name change on Church records. The Church’s instructions on how to do this is and there is no reason her local leadership is preventing her Church records to reflect her legal name change. Cross-posted with permission from the Mormon Therapist on Patheos

 

[image error]Dear Ward Leaders,

What an  inspiring conference we have had this weekend.  One of the biggest messages I heard was the need to love one another and to reach out and minister to each other.

I have been very troubled by the ways the church as an institution has responded to me as a transgender member.  The restrictions placed on me seem so contrary to the Lord’s teachings and even what the leaders have said at conference.  I had been a volunteer at the Family History Center for several years. Once I came out I was told I could no longer volunteer there as that was not a good representation for the church.  Most recently I was told that I can have no callings so was released from doing the bulletin. Both of these jobs can be done by non-members but as an outcast somehow I am not a worthy enough child of God to serve others in any way! How is this Christlike? Christ served the outcasts of society and was criticized for it.  Apparently in Christ’s church today that teaching has been replaced. What are you so afraid of?

I feel like a leper – unclean.

You tell me I can’t use the women’s restroom. Again, what are you afraid of?  Do you think I’m going to molest someone because I’m transgender? The LDS church does not have a history of transgenders molesting women. They have a real problem with priesthood leaders molesting women and children however. I would think the concern should lie much more there!

I’m also told I can’t attend Relief Society or Priesthood. I haven’t seen this document yet in spite of requesting it. I find it very hard to believe that the First Presidency would not want me to attend and be edified by the great men and women of the church.  I’ve just gotten divorced after 45 years. Do you have any idea how hard that is? How lonely I feel? And yet I’m not allowed to be a part of and feel the support of the members? I particularly need and want the love and support shown by the sisters of the ward. They are so much more understanding and I have felt more their love and want to be with them more but am denied that opportunity.  How does this make sense? Would you prefer I go to gay bars or other places to make friends?  Just what are you so afraid of? Do you think somehow I will contaminate you and the other members of the ward? This reminds me so much of the pharisees who were concerned with the letter of the law, not the spirit of the law. Is that what our church has become today?



Then there’s the issue of my legal name. The First Presidency told our stake leaders that they are not allowed to change my records to reflect my legal name. How disrespectful is that? We say we follow the law of the land. Even church handbook 1 says we use legal names. Why do we refuse to acknowledge a name change in this case? A name change is not uncommon, why is this such a big deal?

I know change is hard for all. I recognize that being a transgender woman is not yet fully accepted in our society. It’s interesting to note in the Native American culture I would be revered as a Two Spirit person to be greatly admired. Ephesians 2:19: Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints, and of the household of God.Doesn’t this mean we are all invited to be participants in God’s church?  Isn’t diversity a wonderful thing? I know it took well over 100 yeas for the church to change it’s position on blacks and the priesthood. I hope it doesn’t take another 100 years for the church to embrace the LGBT members. Change is coming – I just hope to see it in my lifetime.

I believe the changes in the priesthood quorums and home teaching/visiting teaching should lead us to reconsider how to reach out and make all feel welcome. That’s a sign of the true church.

Linda

Hagar: Scriptural patterns of sexual assault

The Abrahamic covenant is a key part of Mormon doctrine.  We believe that by making and keeping our covenants, we can receive all the blessings that Abraham was promised even if we are not his literal descendants.  For this reason, church discussions about Abraham typically focus on his heroic qualities – his faith, his priesthood and above all his covenants.  The story of Abraham and Sarah conceiving Isaac is one of several heartwarming “miracle fertility” stories that get trotted out to give hope to childless couples.  But Hagar? Well, Hagar is a story that we tend to gloss over as quickly as possible. If Mormons identify themselves closely with Abraham and see him as a hero to be emulated, then the story of Hagar is deeply problematic.  Perhaps if we shifted the way we study this scriptural episode in our classes we could be better prepared as saints to believe the women who come forward and to help them.

The story of Hagar can be found in Genesis 16 and 21.  I won’t quote it in its entirety here, but all my excerpts come from those two chapters. Sarah wants children and is unable to conceive.  Her reasons for wanting the baby reflect the patriarchal culture in which she lived – she suffers because an infertile woman is of little worth.  Perhaps she wanted a baby to cuddle, and surely she wanted an heir.  It is worth remembering that Sarah herself had been the victim of sexual abuse – Abram, fearing for his life, claimed that Sarai was his sister and so she was taken into Pharoah’s house: “And for her sake he dealt well with Abram; and he had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female slaves, female donkeys, and camels.” So Sarai knows that she is somewhat expendable to Abram, for all his love of her.

So she takes her Egyptian slave Hagar and tells Abram to have sex with her.  The phrasing in the Bible makes Abram seem fairly blameless – it is all Sarai’s idea and “Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.”

Hagar is already a victim because she is enslaved.  Then, as so many enslaved women have been across the centuries, she is sexually assaulted.  It is useless to claim that perhaps she enjoyed it, or wanted it, or liked Abram. Firstly, the scriptures indicate no such thing, and more importantly,  she did not have the freedom to say no. Consent is meaningless if a person cannot freely refuse sexual advances.

Hagar becomes pregnant and “when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.”  This phrasing is interesting.  Usually we interpret it to mean that she taunted Sarai for being unable to conceive, and perhaps she did.  But perhaps she felt even deeper anger and loathing for an unwanted pregnancy for an assault in which Sarai was deeply complicit.

Abram, ever the brave responsible one, tells Sarai “thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee.” And Sarai dealt hardly with her.  Even though Hagar is pregnant with his child, and he freely chose to have sex with her, he gives Sarai the thumbs up to abuse her as harshly as she wants. We can assume that she was very harsh indeed, because Hagar runs away into the desert where her odds of survival are slim.

In the wilderness she meets an angel, who asks her what she is doing.  Then the angel promised her and her posterity great blessings in parallel to those offered to Abraham’s other son-to-be.  And Hagar gave God a name: El Roi – the God who sees me. Problematically, the messenger also orders her to “Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.”

She returns, and has the baby.  Later, Sarah has Isaac and asks Abraham to get rid of Hagar and her son, which he does. Giving them a small amount of provisions they are cast in the desert.  When the provisions are gone, Hagar puts down her baby and walks away so she doesn’t have to see him die.  This time it is God, and not a messenger, who addresses her.  God tells her he has heard the baby’s cries, and will see to their welfare.  He shows her a well so that she can feed her baby, and God stays with them spiritually as Ishmael grew up in the wilderness.

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Claxton, Marshall; Hagar and Ishmael at the Well; York Museums Trust; 

What lessons might we take from all of this story if we let go of the idea that Abraham and Sarah must be the heroes and examples in all cases?

We see that men who are in some or even many contexts great spiritual leaders are nevertheless capable of sexual predation. Public good acts do not somehow justify private evils.  We can also see the ways in which the author subtly excuses Abraham’s acts – all the cruelty he inflicts on Hagar he does at Sarai’s asking.  In this story, a woman was quite literally asking for it, albeit not for him to abuse her.  These patterns are often repeated in ecclesiastical leadership contexts.  When we as a church stubbornly self-identify only with Abraham and Sarah in this story, we set up a doctrinal precedent for abusive leadership.
Abusers are often victims of abuse themselves. Sarai had been sexually exploited by Abram to save his own life. Understanding this can hopefully help us break the cycle and address abusers with compassion, but it does not excuse perpetuating the cycle.
We see that women can be complicit in the abuse of other women. While instances of savagery like Sarai’s – instigating sexual abuse, planning to steal a child, verbally and physically abusing a victim and ultimately leaving her to die in a desert are thankfully unlikely to appear in our wards, there is nevertheless a warning in this story that we should discuss in our classes.  What Sarai wanted was the perfect image.  She wanted to appear to the world to be a happy mother, father and baby family and she ultimately was willing to allow Hagar to suffer, and to attempt to erase her entirely to get what she wanted.  How do we as church members put the image of our institution ahead of the suffering of individual saints?  Do we put the image of our family, or our bishopric, or our friend ahead of hard truths?

The messenger of the Lord shows us both a positive and a negative example of what to do.

On one hand, he tells Hagar to return to the abusive situation and to submit to it.All too often abuse victims who come forward are advised not to abandon their family/job/calling and to stay in vulnerable positions.  The perpetrator is not punished and is instead allowed and thus tacitly encouraged to continue the abuse.  When the Bible says a heavenly messenger says something, it is hard for us to say “nope, bad call.”  But if we replace “heavenly messenger” with “Bishop” or “stake president” we can see more clearly why this advice was cruel.  Perhaps it helped Abram by giving back his unborn son, showing us a classic example of men understanding male interests and sympathizing with them at the expense of women.
On the other hand, the messenger affirms that God knows her situation and has a plan for her and promises a better future. This is a more positive response that church leaders, as messengers on behalf of God, could share with women who come forward.

God shows us appropriate ways to respond.

When God speaks to Hagar, God does not order her to return to the abusive situation.
God affirms that he cares about her and her child. God makes it possible for her to survive and thrive away from the abuse.
Above all, God believes Hagar. Hagar gives God a name: El Roi – the God Who Sees Me. Unlike Abram and Sarai, who never speak to her at all but only abouther, God sees Hagar. God believes her.  God doesn’t tell her to go back.
The scriptures do not say that God punished Abraham or Sarah in this life for their abuse of Hagar, but then immediate retribution is not necessarily God’s way.God will give Hagar justice.  We on this earth have a responsibility to do as much as we can to make wrongs right.

Mother, Mother, Mother

My child isn’t a baby anymore.

When he prays, he says, “Dear Father, Mother, Mother, Mother…”

Soon I will teach him to censor his prayers.

But it was after his birth that She came to me. I heard her voice on my heartbeat, smelt her fragrance in my sheets.

Her learning came when I was weak, her strength when I was tired.

She bounced my baby to sleep.

And so when I pray, I say “Oh God, Dear Father and Mother,”

Because when you pick up the phone to call home and your parents put you on speaker

You don’t ignore either of them.

I used to just tell Him,

“Oh and God? Say hi to Mother for me,” politely aware.

Was it impudence to acknowledge? Audacity to ignore? I never knew.

But now I have felt her on my bones.

So when I pray, it is mostly to Her.

I can’t help it.

My knees bend and my heart sings

Without my beckoning

The sage Goddess, the Great Mother.

They say Her name is Wisdom. I think it is Love.

A Catholic Ordination

[image error]Last month I was invited to participate in my friend’s ordination to become a Catholic priest through the Roman Catholic Womenpriests. I was asked to participate as a “member of clergy of other faiths.” We were asked to wear our clergy garb, but being Mormon I don’t have garb, so I wore my Beehive, Miamaid, Laurel, and YW Recognition Award Medallions and a CTR ring. One of the other priests let me borrow her stole.

Red is the color for ordination and the stoles and decor were all red.

The ceremony opened with a hymn called “The Summons” and is God asking if you’re willing to follow and grow with God and the last stanza is the answer. As the hymn was sung, all the clergy people walked up toward the front, bowed to the altar, and then sat down. I was a part of this procession. I share The Summons lyrics because they touched me and had me teary even before things got started.

The Summons by John Bell

Will you come and follow Me if I but call your name?

Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?

Will you let My love be shown? Will you let My name be known?

Will you let My life be grown in you and you in Me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?

Will you let Me answer prayer in you and you in Me?

Will you love the “you” you hide if I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around,

through My sight and touch and sound in you and you in Me?

God, Your summons echoes true when You but call my name.

Let me turn and follow You and never be the same.

In your company I’ll go where Your love and footsteps show.

Thus I’ll move and live and grow in You and You in me.

After the procession the program followed like this:

Greeting- presiding bishop welcome everyone.
Presentation- the candidate for ordination comes forward and declares she is ready for ordination. Others speak on behalf of her worthiness.
Opening Prayer
Liturgy of the Word- Various people read readings from the Old and New Testaments.
Ordination Rite- a short prayer followed by a song/chant to invoke the Holy Spirit in the candidate for ordination
Examination- This is where the candidate is asked her vows and promises to consecrate her life to God. I was asked to be part of the Examination and asked,”Are you resolved to fulfill the office of priest as a faithful worker who supports and serves the people of God?” to which she replied, “I am.”[image error]
Litany of the Saints- a long prayer/song listing all the saints to pray for us. During the song, the candidate for priesthood lays prostrate on a cloth on the ground. I believe it is to show humility to God and the community she’ll serve. She requested an extra stanza of  names of deceased family members and activists. That ended in the line “All holy unsung women, All you holy people, pray for us.”
Laying on of Hands- the bishops lay hands on the candidate, moment of silence. Then everyone in the community lines up and goes to the candidate to similarly lay hands on the candidate. I had the privilege of doing this.
Prayer of Consecration- The bishops then say the pray/words to bless the candidate to be a priest.
Investiture- the candidate’s deacon stole is removed and she is dressed in the chasuble and stole of a priest.
Anointing of Hands- The bishops anoint the candidate’s hands in preparation for ministry. Afterwards, the candidate is declared a priest.
Procession of Gifts- the new priest receives a large bread plate, a carafe of wine and of grape juice for the comunion.
Presentation of the Chalice and Paten- The bishops hand the new priest bread and wine for the communion.
Offering of the Gifts- The bread and wine are blessed.[image error]
Eucharistic Prayer
The Prayer of Jesus (what we’d know as the Lord’s Prayer, but they started it with “Our Father, Our Mother in heaven”)
Sign of Peace- bread is broken and wine poured to multiple chalices.
Communion- The new priest (and other priests present) give the congregation communion. There is a communion hymn. When it is over the altar is cleared and there is a quiet moment.
Prayer after Communion.
Announcements
Blessing- The new priest blesses the bishops who just ordained her.
Closing Hymn and Recessional

Catholic ceremonies are long, but it was also so beautiful. It made me think a lot about what a “calling” is and my own life calling. Right now in the Mormon world I am “called” to be the Primary pianist. But is that really my “calling” in life? No. Do I know what my life calling is? I believe so, but I’m not at a stage in my life where I can pursue it yet. It’ll probably be another decade or so before I really can.

I thought about the beginning of the ordination- with people vouching for her her worthiness and the examination/vows and then lying prostrate during the Liturgy of the Saints. It felt so meaningful to watch her make her promises and then display her humility before God and all the witnesses there.

Also I was just so honored to participate. With all the words the LDS Church leaders say to claim everyone with a calling has access to “priesthood authority” there really is no action. But at my friend’s ordination I was greeted with a community who understands how much of my life and devotion I’ve given to my faith and accepted and recognized me as a person with authority. I am so grateful my friend gave me a place in her Catholic ordination all while knowing I’ll have no place in anyone’s ordination in my own Mormon family.

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Disclosing Child Sexual Abuse: What Mormons Should Know

[image error]Disclosing abuse is hard. For adults. For adolescents. Especially for children.

Most child victims of sexual abuse experiences will delay or never disclose the abuse to friends, family or authorities. Slightly more than half of the victims will disclose if there is corroborative medical evidence, a witness walked in on the abuse happening, or a video or audio recording of a perpetrator confession is obtained by police. An immediate disclosure is only probable if the perpetrator is a stranger.

Most victims want the abuse to stop, but they do not want to talk about it. Generally when a victim discloses abuse it is because the distress and suffering they experience in not telling have become intolerable. The desire for healing or for the abuse to stop is greater than the anxiety, shame, and depression caused by the possibility of harming a perpetrator who is most often an older child, or a beloved adult friend or family member. Disclosing the abuse may create intense feelings of anxiety, despair, and guilt at bringing consequences upon the perpetrator. It may precipitate self-harm or suicide attempts. Most survivors report delaying or never disclosing because they feared they would not be believed.

Unfortunately, there is a pervasive cultural myth that children lie about sexual abuse or makeup or embellish false allegations. The opposite is true. Study results vary but aggregately 90% of child disclosures are true. In the rare cases of a false allegation, the allegation is most frequently made by an adult parent embroiled in a custody dispute, not the child. These children are frequently victims of emotional abuse and neglect in the midst of a high conflict divorce with the anger of their parents eclipsing the capacity of the parents to nurture the children and meet their emotional needs.

A peer, mother or teacher are most likely to receive disclosures of abuse. The most common scenario I witnessed during the years I investigated child sexual abuse with the West Los Angeles DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) is that a child makes an accidental comment or deliberate disclosure to a peer that is educated in body safety and recognizes that the victim is disclosing something serious that should be reported. The peer then tells their mother or teacher. Most frequently the mother tells a teacher. The teacher is a trained mandated reporter that will face legal consequences if they shirk the responsibility of reporting. The teacher calls the child abuse hotline and a report is made to both child protective services and police, triggering an investigation.

What should you do when someone discloses to you? When you receive a disclosure of sexual abuse you are receiving important public safety information. Another human is expressing trust in your safety and goodness as a fellow human. Although death may not be imminent in the case of sexual abuse, this is a crisis. Think about how you respond to other public safety concerns such as a fire or medical crisis. Responding to a public safety emergency can be frightening. We rehearse and train in school and professional settings to know how to best protect public safety in an emergency.

Some Mormons are confused by sexual abuse and believe it to be a moral concern rather than an issue of public health and safety. This is a dangerous misconception.

In a tragic example from my present labor as a social worker in a cancer hospital: A 50-year-old adult dying from an HPV (human papillomavirus) cancer disclosed that cancer is not the worst thing to happen in their lifetime. This righteous and monogamous member of the LDS faith was exposed to HPV as a result of repeated rape in childhood. Thirty-eight years after the sexual assault occurred it killed them through cancer. Adults die from child sexual abuse.

Engage with me in a review of public safety issues and when to notify the Bishop of your ward.[image error]

1. When your neighbor is experiencing cardiac arrest, do you call the Bishop?

No, you call paramedics. When the patient is stable you might call the Bishop to arrange for a blessing of healing or comfort. You might call the Relief Society President to arrange compassionate service for the patient and their family. You call the appropriate public safety agency in the moment of crisis. If you called the Bishop instead of the paramedics your neighbor might die. You would be complicit in failing to obtain the appropriate assistance for a fellow human in need.

2. When your house is on fire, do you call the Bishop?

No, you call the fire department. Later you might call the Bishop to coordinate with the Priesthood and Relief Society to clean up, provide temporary shelter, meals etc. as you cope with the aftermath of the fire. But if you called the Bishop and not the fire department… and your Bishop is not a firefighter with a fire station at his disposal at home…you may lose your home, other homes might burn down, and people or pets might die in the fire. If you called the Bishop, you failed to obtain the appropriate assistance to protect public safety.

3. When your house is burglarized, do you call the Bishop?

No, you call the police. The Bishop cannot investigate and make an arrest. He might come over and offer support while you call the police, but he does not have the authority to investigate or obtain justice. If you call the Bishop and do not call the police other homes may also be robbed. Other humans might be harmed or lose valuable possessions because you failed to act to protect public safety. Your Bishop is not a public safety officer.

4. When you witness or personally experience a physical assault, do you call the Bishop?

No, you call the police. They are the public safety officers entrusted with stopping violence and ensuring that the perpetrators face consequences. If you call the Bishop and not the police the perpetrator may harm other humans. You are complicit in allowing the perpetrator to walk free and continue to harm others.

5. But what if the physical assault is domestic violence, sexual assault or child abuse?

This is where some churchgoers get confused. If a member of the church is hurting another member of the church, especially a family member, do you call the Bishop?

The violence of one human, directed at another human continues to be a public safety concern. Basic human decency and public safety require that the assault is reported to the appropriate public safety officer with jurisdiction over the crime. Even when it happens in a family. Even when it happens at church.

DO NOT CALL THE BISHOP!

Call the police! If this is intimate partner violence call the local domestic violence shelter and consult with them as to available resources. If this incident is abuse or neglect of a child call the local child protection hotline and consult as to additional reporting requirements and resources.

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Ask the assigned public safety investigator when it would be OK to reach out to others for support. Your call to the Bishop might result in the tip to the perpetrator that they need to dispose of their hard drive or other evidence of child pornography on their property. Your call to the Bishop may be the lead time the perpetrator needs to flee the country. Your well-intentioned conversation with the Bishop may derail a criminal investigation.

Do not discuss the case with others until investigators or prosecuting attorneys have given you the go-ahead to do so. Then ask the victim before you tell their story. Do not repeat their story with any identifying details without their consent. Be supremely cautious in discussing your own experience with reporting a crime as what you disclose might be sufficient for others to identify the victim and subject them to shunning, shame, gossip or other injuries of public opinion. When you have the OK from the investigators and the consent of the victim THEN you might contact the Bishop about paying for counseling services for the victim or providing other forms of assistance. But really this is not your story to tell to anyone outside of public safety reporting. Respect the wishes of the victim in what you discuss with others. Do not force assistance on someone that has already suffered repeated violations of consent.

Most perpetrators are not arrested. The skin of the most intimate parts of our body, like the delicate tissue of the tongue, heals quickly. A forensic exam outside of 72 hours from the last assault may not result in evidence of the crime. Even when there is excellent forensic evidence, some victims are not believed and juries let perpetrators go free. In most cases, there is not enough evidence for local law enforcement to press charges. Most of the hundreds of perpetrators I have investigated are out free in the community. You should still report any suspicions of neglect, abuse or crime! A history of insufficient evidence reports can become an important tool in bringing justice.

In one case I investigated an 80 year-old-perpetrator went to jail after assaulting dozens of victims in his lifetime. He went to jail because a brave granddaughter reported he caressed the side of her breast over her clothes when he hugged her goodbye and she had a bad feeling about it. The mother affirmed that the alleged perpetrator had access to other children. The other children were interviewed by trained investigators skilled in asking open-ended questions that do not plant information or lead to false disclosures. Other children disclosed extensive abuse. The parent of one of the child victims was also abused by the perpetrator in childhood, disclosing many more victims among her now adult peers. The police were able to obtain forensic evidence from the recent crimes that combined with the allegations from two generations of victims led to a plea and a life sentence.

The granddaughter who reported her “creepy grandpa” also told her friends at school about what had happened. She was confident in sharing her knowledge of body safety and consent with her peers. One of those friends was being molested in her home and did not know that what was happening to her was abuse. She told her teacher after she realized she was being touched inappropriately. A report was made. The perpetrator was required to move out of the home. The evidence, in this case, was insufficient for prosecution, but all involved received counseling and support and the perpetrator was eventually rehabilitated. Safety for one family started with a schoolmate sharing her knowledge of body safety and consent.

This is what public safety looks like. Humans holding their family members, friends and children accountable for treating others with kindness and respect. Humans reporting suspicions that someone is behaving unsafely.

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When you receive a disclosure of abuse, tell the correct public safety officer. Do not delay relief and safety for the victims. Perpetrators rely on the silence of good people to persist in their criminal activity. They tell children, “No one will believe you.” Don’t make it true.

Finally, be aware that if you are an adult with children your failure to appropriately report abuse may trigger an investigation into your own competency as a parent. The safety of your children in your home may be questioned.

Failing to report child sexual abuse is a public safety failure. If you know more than five children, odds are that a child you know is in need of rescue. The harm may be happening in their home. The perpetrator might be someone they call friend or family. What will you do to restore them to health and safety when they are brave enough to disclose?

Relief Society Lesson Plan: True Ministers Focus on the Needs of Others

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True Ministers focus on the needs of others

Because the lesson format recommends that we focus on facilitating discussion rather than presenting material, for this lesson plan I’m simply going to create a large variety of discussion questions.

What is the best gift you ever received? Who gave it to you and for what occasion? (write answers on the board as a getting to know you activity)
What made the gift meaningful to you? What did it tell you about the giver?

How is ministering similar to giving a thoughtful gift?

How can you ascertain what someone’s needs are? How can you figure out what kind of ministering is most meaningful to them?
What if they aren’t willing or able to articulate their needs? When someone won’t tell you what their goals/hopes/challenges are, how can you figure out how to help them?

One of the ways that we can minister is by defining a role for ourselves, based on what our sister is working on in her life.

g. a sister may want an exercise buddy or someone who checks in with her health goals.She may want help being accountable for doing family history work or scripture study.  She may need a friend she can confide in and trust to keep her confidences.
Start with yourself. What are youlooking for in a ministering sister? What spiritual or temporal goals do you have? How could a ministering sister help you?
Have you talked to your ministering sister about your goals/challenges/desires? What can hold you back from asking a sister for help?
We may feel that we’re doing fine that we don’t need How can asking for help anyway draw you closer to Christ or your ministering sister? How have you felt when someone asked you to help them?

Many of us have been ministering following specific guidelines for many years.  Paradigm shift can be hard.

If we aren’t reporting in the same way, how can we measure our success/commitment?
If sitting for a visit is very important to youbut it isn’t what your ministee needs or wants, how can you let go of feelings of guilt or inadequacy?

Activity on note cards

Make a list of the sisters you visit

What is one need that each sister has at this time? Be creative if it seems like everything in their life is going fine. We all have needs.
What does this person need to come closer to Christ?

How can I sustain this person in their efforts to draw closer to Christ?

Becoming friends

The goal of the new ministering program is that we develop meaningful relationships.What can help you turn an assignment into a friendship?
If you have a friendship, but the relationship is fairly superficial, how can you deepen it and find vulnerability and thus room to serve?

 

 

Exponent II Call for Submissions: Mormon Women and the Creative Process

[image error]Are you an artist? Are you a writer? Are you a maker of beautiful things? Do you solve problems with elegant designs? Do you appreciate the creative work of others in enhancing your life?

How do you find space and time for your work? What inspires you? What keeps you going when you are not inspired? What does it feel like to experience the finished product – the creative output of yourself and others? How do we celebrate creativity in our community?

What do you think of Mormon art? Have you played a part in the renaissance of Mormon art in recent years? Have your opinions or understanding of “Mormon art” changed? Who are the Mormon artists who inspire you? How could we better incorporate Mormon art and literature into our culture and worship?

What is your creative process? How do you support your own work and the creative process of your sisters?

Tell us about it.

Submissions should be between 700 – 2400 words and should be in Word or Google Doc format. The deadline is July 1, 2018. Please send to exponentiieditor@gmail.com.

Relief Society Lesson Plan: God wants all of His children to be watched over and cared for

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Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

Begin with the opening quote from President Nelson in the lesson prompt: “A hallmark of the Lord’s true and living Church will always be an organized, directed effort to minister to the individual children of God and their families.”  Read the scripture in Matthew 25:40, which is at the core of our ministering efforts: “And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren [and sisters], ye have done it unto me.”

Note that neither President Nelson nor Christ in the scriptures make any exceptions to their statement.  We aren’t commanded to just serve those in our families, or those who go to church with us, or even those we like and get along with.  We are asked to minister to all of God’s children.  Chieko Okazaki wrote that Matthew 25:40 reminds us that each person can be Jesus in disguise.  She writes,

Some of these disguises are the delightful disguises of our own children’s beautiful faces, or the loving, gentle faces of our own parents and spouses. Sometimes they are the distressing and painful disguises of the homeless, the healthless, the hopeless.  But when we see the Savior in such a disguise, then we are truly seeing the glory of the Lord, for our work is the same as his – ‘to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life’ of all human beings (Cat’s Cradle, p. 130-131).

It can be an incredible thing to see the face of Christ in all whom we serve.  Remind the sisters in your ward that the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness, and there was no poor among them (Moses 7:18).  However, this doesn’t mean that we’re all supposed to be the same or do the same thing!  Sister Okazaki was a particular champion of the strength found in diversity.  She wrote,

We need our differences. Diversity is important to us as individuals and as a church. Yet we often feel that our diversity is a problem – that we are wrong to be different, that we have nothing in common with a sister who has a different story, and that the gospel exists to make us all the same. . . .

You know, you can’t have harmony in music if everybody is singing in unison. Think of singing a hymn where there was only soprano – no alto, tenor, or bass. We need all the parts.  Think of trying to sing a round without diversity! A round is fun because it’s based on the complicated harmonies of singing the same tune at a different time than everyone else. We’re all singing the same song – not just making random sounds – and singing the same message, but the music is a lot more beautiful and powerful when we don’t all sing the same note. (Lighten Up!, p. 4, 21-22)

To put it succinctly, “All God’s Critters Got a Place in the Choir!”  We need to recognize that as we minister, we aren’t trying to “fix” people or force them into some sort of behavioral/spiritual mold.  What’s right for one person may not necessarily be the right path for another.  We need to make sure that we are ministering with love, not smothering with ideology.  President Uchtdorf said,

As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are united in our testimony of the restored gospel and our commitment to keep God’s commandments. But we are diverse in our cultural, social, and political preferences. The Church thrives when we take advantage of this diversity and encourage each other to develop and use our talents to lift and strengthen our fellow disciples.

President Linda K. Burton talked about this in her October 2012 General Conference address. She said,

Sometimes we are tempted to serve in a way that we want to serve and not necessarily in the way that is needed at the moment. When Elder Robert D. Hales taught the principle of provident living, he shared the example of buying a gift for his wife. She asked, ‘Are you buying this for me or for you?’ If we adapt that question to ourselves as we serve and ask, ‘Am I doing this for the Savior, or am I doing this for me?’ our service will more likely resemble the ministry of the Savior.

We need to be careful not to make assumptions about a woman’s family situation, marital status, education level, fertility, political beliefs, and any other aspect that we might jump to conclusions about.  Part of our duty in ministering to one another is to get to know one another, and making assumptions about a person or what that person needs can often cause more harm than good.

It can be easy to minister to people you already like.  I have no problem dropping what I’m doing and helping out a friend in need.  But how can we minister to people we don’t like?  How do we minister to people with overwhelming needs, to people who are abrasive, or to people we have nothing in common with?  Sister Lucy Mack Smith once said the following to the Relief Society sisters in Nauvoo:

We must cherish one another, watch over one another, comfort one another and gain instruction, that we may all sit down in heaven together.

How do I learn to cherish my sisters when it doesn’t come naturally or easily? Sister Okazaki wrote, “I’m afraid that when we find someone annoying us, we don’t instinctively find ways to cherish them. Instead, we find reasons why we are justified in taking offense.” She recommends praying to develop that love, stating that “prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing God’s gift of Himself,” and that “squeezes most of the contempt and criticism out of my heart” (What A Friend We Have in Jesus, p. 49).

Sister Okazaki also wrote that the underlying assumption should be the question, “What do you, as an individual, need right now?” (What A Friend We Have in Jesus, p. 43)  I love this question, because it sees women as whole people, and not simply as a function of their relationship to other people.  It’s not, “What do you, as a mother of young kids, need right now?” or “What do you, as the bishop’s wife, need right now?”  While those questions are certainly relevant, they omit a large part of the sister’s identity, and can often miss the needs they have most.  A mother of young kids may need babysitting, but she might also need book recommendations or help filling out job applications!  The bishop’s wife might need company on the many lonely evenings as her husband is away, but she might also need help painting her fence!  We  need to be careful to not assume the needs of any person based on their relationship to other people.  What do they, as an individual and daughter of God, need right now?

Part of ministering is establishing and maintaining boundaries.  This may seem counter-intuitive, since we’re supposed to be helping others, but it’s critical that we not overextend ourselves, especially in situations when a person’s needs are extensive.  Don’t be afraid to say, “This is how I can help you, and here are ways that I can’t help you.”  To quote Brené Brown in the video below, “Generosity cannot exist without boundaries.”  It is kind and respectful to tell a person up front, and also to ask for help from others.  We don’t have to be everything to one person!  We can ask our Relief Society leaders, sisters, and other people in the ward and community for help if a sister’s needs exceed our ability to meet them.  If we’re going to maintain our  ministry, we have to make sure that the service we’re offering is sustainable, and as Sister Brown says, “nothing is sustainable without boundaries.”

The lesson prompt reminds us that the Church helps us care for individuals in “organized, directed ways.”  The church provides a fantastic scaffolding that can help organize the ministry of its members one to another, and President Nelson reminds us that we are using priesthood power, delegated to us in our calling as ministering sisters, in our ministering service.  However, while the administration of the program is important, especially for the Relief Society and Elders Quorum presidents, we must be careful that our ministering doesn’t devolve into administering.

As a member of the General Relief Society presidency, Sister Okazaki wrote abundantly on the minister vs. administer dilemma.  She writes,

Programs and handbooks are easy because they spell out the rules. But there isn’t a rule book or a handbook for ministering sensitively. Efficient administration is a job for a manager. Ministering sensitively is a job for a loving Christian.  As a minister of the gospel, your real job is not to run programs but to love the people you serve. Usually the two jobs will not conflict.  But what do you do if they do? What should take precedence? The people, every single time. (Disciples, p. 64, emphasis added)

She continues,

Ministering leaders are flexible. They share, negotiate, and decide together based on the demands of the task. They work like a family, not like the army. There’s a partnership, a sharing, a mutuality (Disciples, p. 65).

How can we work in partnership with those to whom we minister? How can we be flexible in meeting their needs? How can we best love the people we serve as partners?

In Moroni 6:4-6, we learn of the common bond we have in being baptized members of the Lord’s church, and our commandment to meet together, watch over one another, and to rely upon Christ. Similarly, in Mosiah 18:21-22, we read that we are commanded to have no contention with one another, but to look forward with our hearts knit together in unity and love towards one another.  We have been placed together in our wards, tied together only by geography and a baptismal covenant in our church, to learn and grow with each other.  Sometimes, our ward members are the hardest people to love!  Eugene England wrote about how having geographically-based wards helps us to be more Christlike:

In the life of the true Church, there are constant opportunities for all to serve, especially to learn to serve people we would not normally choose to serve—or possibly even associate with—and thus opportunities to learn to love unconditionally. There is constant encouragement, even pressure, to be “active”: to have a calling” and thus to have to grapple with relationships and management, with other peoples ideas and wishes, their feelings and failures; to attend classes and meetings and to have to listen to other people’s sometimes misinformed or prejudiced notions and to have to make some constructive response; to have leaders and occasionally to be hurt by their weakness and blindness, even unrighteous dominion; and then to be made a leader and find that you, too, with all the best intentions, can be weak and blind and unrighteous. Church involvement teaches us compassion and patience as well as courage and discipline. It makes us responsible for the personal and marital, physical, and spiritual welfare of people we may not already love (or may even heartily dislike), and thus we learn to love them. It stretches and challenges us, though disappointed and exasperated, in ways we would not otherwise choose to be— and thus gives us a chance to be made better than we might choose to be, but ultimately need and want to be.

How can ministering to those in our ward help us to become more Christlike?  Do you agree with Dr. England that worshiping and working with people with whom you wouldn’t regularly associate makes you a better person?  It could be beneficial to prayerfully ask a sister in your ward to share an experience where she has had an assignment within the church that she wasn’t looking forward to (either in visiting teaching, a calling, or some other capacity) but that ultimately expanded her ability to love in a Christlike way.

Close with your testimony of the importance of ministering to all of God’s children.  It’s an enormous task, but one that we have been asked to take on.  Remind the sisters in your ward of the importance of praying for guidance in ministering, of establishing appropriate boundaries, and of making sure that we are ministering to people as opposed to administering them.