Exponent II's Blog, page 252

When God doesn’t intervene

I grew up hearing a message that Heavenly Father answers prayers and brings peace and assurance to us in our pain. This is a beautiful message, but I have often struggled to see it manifested in my life.

Five years ago, I was in a dark place. My family had recently moved to Provo, Utah, and I was struggling to make new friends. I was frequently fasting and praying for spiritual guidance as I had entered what felt like a ‘faith crisis’, and the heavens were silent. I was pregnant and we had just purchased our first home and were struggling to fix it up while caring for our many children and my husband was adjusting to his new job.

I had begun to tell people about my pregnancy at 12 weeks, but a few days later my morning sickness cut off suddenly and I began to have a sinking feeling that all was not well. At 14 weeks, my husband and older children gone for the day, I leant forward in my chair to pick up something and felt a gush of blood. I went into my bathroom and confirmed that there was a lot of blood and I knew I was having a miscarriage. I was alone with two of my two young children and didn’t really know my neighbors yet, but I was continually praying for someone to stop by and help. We had only been in the house for 3 months. I removed my bloody clothing and sat on the toilet, not knowing what to do.  I felt the pressure of something descending, and climbed into the bathtub to squat. It was slow and stuck.

Meanwhile, my newly-potty-trained 3-year-old was calling to me from the other bathroom. She needed help wiping. I girt myself up with a towel, and went to help her. The 1-year-old needed a diaper change as well, so I changed her. I put on a video to try to distract my girls, grabbed the phone, and returned to my bathroom for privacy, and climbed into the tub again. My husband is a schoolteacher and often hard to reach during the day. I called him and told him I was miscarrying and alone and scared, and he said he would come as soon as he could. But I had our only car and knew it would be a while before he could return.

In time, I was able to deliver the ‘products of conception’, an intact bag of waters and a small placenta on my own in the tub. I was able to clean myself up. I don’t know whether I’ve ever felt so alone in my life. My baby was dead, I didn’t feel God answering my prayers, I didn’t know where to turn for help. My little girls were fighting in the other room and I had to get up and be responsible when I had nothing to give. I had to dig a hole in the yard and bury my hope. I had to be strong caring for the rest of the family; and with no baby to care for, I had no excuse to sit and give myself time to recover.

 

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A few weeks later was General Conference. President Monson gave a talk in the Women’s session “We Never Walk Alone”, wherein he shared the story of a sister ‘Tiffany’ who was struggling and felt alone. A virtual stranger was inspired to gift her with a loaf of homemade bread, the only thing she felt she could eat. It was a miracle story, implying that God knows us and our struggles, cares about our desires, and intervenes on our behalf. Yet I felt so unknown and uncared for by God. Why would he send a fresh loaf of homemade bread to one woman who wanted bread and send no one to me while I was miscarrying all alone? I cried crocodile tears through the entire meeting, questions plaguing my mind.

Soon after, we had a special Relief Society evening meeting. The main point of the activity was that God wants to help us achieve our dreams. A few sisters told of their own personal miracles that showed them God was helping them do something they greatly desired. One sister told of how she was unexpectedly able to find a way to participate in a ballet class, which had been once one of her great loves but she hadn’t been able to do for some time. Another told of how as a young mom she would daydream about traveling to Hawaii in the midst of difficult winters and stressful child-rearing. Another told about how she had just decided she’d like to consider law school and took the LSAT as a practice. Before she knew it, she was accepted to the University where her husband worked and got a free tuition benefit. She hadn’t been planning to go for a few years and suddenly she was in law school and didn’t even have to pay. These stories, while beautiful made me feel increasingly bad about myself. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me that God was so silent and absent in my life and I had to leave the meeting in tears.

In the past few years, my faith journey has led me to change my views on a lot of things. I still think it would have been beautiful to have a stranger pop by during my miscarriage and say “I’ve been thinking about you and wondered if you needed help?” That would have been a faith-building miracle for me in an hour of need. I can see why sometimes people feel that their prayers are answered because they feel loved when they need it. I can see why other people feel unloved and invisible when their prayers are not answered or they feel their needs are unregarded by God. The way we interpret what happens to us changes over time and we often impose our current views on past events or reinterpret them.

I imagine readers will have their own opinions about why sometimes people get answers to their prayers and sometimes they don’t. Or they may opine that all prayers are answered, but sometimes the answers are simply not recognized. The question of whether God loves some of his children more than others is too painful to examine. The question of whether God is really aware of our needs and wants to alleviate our suffering is too heretical. The question of whether his hands on earth are open to his inspiration to lift one another’s burdens. The question of who really deserves a miracle, or what a miracle really is. Who is God? Does God really intervene in the lives of some and not others?

I Still Love My Children

Unbelievably, there is still rhetoric in the LDS church claiming that women should be at home with their children.

There are so many problems with this that I don’t quite know where to start. Firstly, not all women in the church HAVE, WANT or CAN HAVE children. This should be an obvious reason why we shouldn’t focus so much on motherhood. Secondly, our simplistic style of approaching the home and family is often lacking the nuance of personal circumstances and embraces gender normative roles, homophobia and anti-feminism. I used to think there wasn’t a Mormon mould. I was dead wrong.

Today I want to talk about my experience.

I never knew I was born to be anything other than a mother. When a high school teacher asked me what I wanted to be, I gleefully replied, “I want to be a Mum!” She encouraged me to have diverse life goals. I brushed this aside. What did she know?

I would marry and my husband would work! I would push out four or five perfect children and live in bliss! That’s what happens, right?

Motherhood was hard from the start. Confusing, lonely and hard. Existing anxiety and depression was magnified to dangerous levels.

When my second was born, on my first night alone with my two boys, I screamed so loudly in my toddlers face that the whole neighbourhood must have heard. He sat next to me on the bed crying, with my newborn screeching on my lap. “Mummy has to leave,” I said sadly to them through my tears. I honestly believed they would better off without me. I told my GP about this and she immediately suggested putting my toddler in an extra day of daycare. I had no family or close friends in that particular area and she was concerned. Honestly, the extra day really helped.

A year later, we moved back to our home base. We had family and friends around, so everything would be fine, right?

Wrong.

I didn’t have the kids in care because I felt like it wasn’t needed anymore with a support system around. Yet, I was yelling at them more than ever, followed by the most bone-crushing guilt I had ever experienced. It got to a point where I was again having suicidal thoughts. This time, they were very invasive. I would be in the middle of doing something and the thoughts would creep in, unnoticed till they started screaming at me.

I put the kids in care 2 days a week, found a therapist, and went on antidepressants. Things really picked up for me, but something was still missing.

Inspired by friends like Rachel Hunt Steenblik, I decided to look into my study options. I was terrified. I’ve always been anxious about new things. With the help of my husband in administrative tasks, I applied for university and got in. I am now studying psychology as well as some literature based electives. My kids are in care 4 days a week, one of those with their Grandmother who completely adores them and appreciates the extra cash.

Yet, I hear things from women at church about what the ‘proper thing’ is: staying at home with the children. I have, at least on one occasion, explained that I would become suicidal if I didn’t have my children in care.

Hearing these criticisms of my choices causes me to wonder what these women think is happening to my children. Are they (*gasp*) being introduced to new people and ideas by being allowed to venture beyond our door? Are they emotionally starved, because they aren’t in my care 24 hours a day?

To be honest, I don’t know what the problem is.

They have wonderful carers and friends in care. My four-year-old son comes home every night telling us facts about planets and the solar system. My two-year-old, who was not exposed to many people in his first years, is finally becoming more comfortable and sociable. When they get home, we nestle in for cuddles and talk about our day together. We play Super Mario Galaxy for my son to watch. He says “try again” when we fail a level, and “good job!” with thumbs up when we succeed. He suddenly loves drawing and likes to draw the planets with faces on them. I get to miss them now. It makes our time much more special than it originally was, and I’m yelling less and smiling more. I also feel spiritually and psychologically edified learning about the amazing brain, and discussing children’s literature.

One lady in my class even has a child in the same room in the local daycare. We get to talk about our children and how they play with each other. It’s a nice feeling for both of us to be away for a little while, working on skills for our future.

I still love my children, but I get to feel like a person now. I’m becoming a better mother through my choices to care about myself.

If women are able to do that staying at home, I applaud them and hope they feel empowered in their choice. Please extend to me, and women like me, the same respect.

Sexual abuse survivors in Victoria to be able to sue churches

[image error]New law is being enacted in the state of Victoria in Australia. It’s emphasis is in being able to sue the church for the actions of someone acting in the name of the church, i.e. survivors don’t have to name an individual publicly as a part of the Betrayal of Trust report . Though it is primarily focused on child sex abuse survivors in the Catholic church, the change in legislation brings forward the ability of those who were hurt in any church, including the Mormon church to come forward.

 

Within the last 2 decades in Australia, some lay leaders in the Mormon church advised that “as the church is a family,” then members of the primary presidency and even general church members could “use [corporal punishment] at church, in Sunday school and in primary.” In some wards, this unofficial policy has resulted in a generation of “less active” church members who, as children, were hit by random ward members and therefore chose to not remain in the church, and did not raise their children in the church.

 

It will be interesting to watch over the next few years as (former) LDS church members decide to file lawsuits for their childhood church corporal punishment, and/or sexual abuse they suffered at the hands of the LDS church’s lay leadership.

Relief Society Lesson Plan: Ministering is Motivated By Christlike Love

[image error]This Fourth Sunday discussion can be a great opportunity to talk about radical examples of Christ’s ministry and ways we can show Christlike love in our ministry. This prompt starts with a few suggestions to get discussion going (see link).

We’ve talked about what ministry is, how Christ ministered, and how this is God’s work.

I wanted to take a slightly different approach with this idea and show a variety of ways that women minister in and out of the Church. The common thread in these stories below is that these are examples in women’s lives about their access to personal revelation and how it showed them how to minister in unexpected ways.

In the manual, Daughters in My Kingdom, we have a chapter on ministry through visiting teaching. (I think it’s also neat to see how the Lord has been preparing God’s people to receive the new ministering program through subtle changes in language over time.)   Chapter 7, “Pure Religion’: Watchcare and Ministering through Visiting Teaching, includes several gems about the history of Visiting Teaching and ways Church leaders (women and men) have been inspired to minister to those under their care.

Early on in The Exponent’s history, we did a book club on the blog, discussing Take This Bread: a Radical Conversion by Sara Miles.  In “Strangers Bring us Closer to God,” Pastor Miles talks about how she received her inspiration to minister to those in her community by filling the basic need that we see throughout the scriptures, that of being fed. She writes,

“Poking around in the Bible, I found clues about my deepest questions. Salt, grain, wine and water; fig trees, fishermen and farmers. There were Psalms about hunger and thirst, about harvests and feasting. There were stories about manna in the wilderness, and prophets fed by birds. There was God appearing in radiance to Ezekiel and handing him a scroll: ‘Mortal,’ he said, ‘eat this scroll,’ and Ezekiel swallowed the words, ‘sweet as honey,’ and knew God.

And then in the New Testament appeared the central, astonishing fact of Jesus, proclaiming that he himself was the bread of heaven. ‘Eat my flesh and drink my blood,’ he said. I thought how outrageous Jesus was to the church of his time: he didn’t wash before meals, he said the prayers incorrectly, he hung out with women, foreigners, the despised and unclean. Over and over, he told people not to be afraid. I liked all that, but mostly I liked that he said he was bread, and told his friends to eat him…

I couldn’t stop thinking about another story: Jesus instructing his beloved, fallible disciple Peter exactly how to love him: ‘Feed my sheep’… It seemed pretty clear. If I wanted to see God, I could feed people.”

And so that is what she did, opening food pantries in her town because that’s what Jesus wanted her to do, to feed His sheep.

Harvard Divinity School did also talked about helping the larger community in the panel, “Homelessness at Harvard: How Serving Your Neighbor Can Change the World.” This interfaith panel talks about what I truly hope for with the ministering program: working in the larger community with people of various faiths to help those who need it most.

Our perma blogger, Trudy, has written several posts about her call to ministry in prison populations.

But, what if you don’t have time or resources to do a daily, weekly or monthly continual ministry? Our bloggers write about how they have felt inspired to minister and use the scriptures for more examples.

Zenaida writes about prayer shawl ministry as she explores other churches and their ways of serving others.

Emeritus blogger, Melody, writes about how she was inspired to start a women’s writing retreat as part of her ministry.

“As a feminist, I look forward to the time when alterations in structure are significant enough to bring a true balance of power within the Church. Until that time, I’ve been looking for ways to answer what feels like a call to minister in my own way.”

Dora and Liz turn to the scriptures for feminist ways we can see examples of ministry.

In “Healing the Crippled Woman and Church,” Dora writes about Christ’s ministry and how when he ministered he did it in very radical ways.

“In calling the woman to him, he invited her into heretofore exclusively male religious territory, and flouted the conventions that excluded women from public spiritual, social and political activity.

He spoke to her and laid his hands on her for the healing. Interestingly enough, prior to Christ’s ministry, there is no biblical record of men laying hands on non-related women for healings or blessings. She was immediately, ‘made straight and glorified God.'”

In our Women and the Bible series, Liz asks, “How does the model of pastoral care set by Shiphrah and Puah affect how we minister to each other, how we visit teach one another, how we interact with church leadership, and how we act?” Not only is this blog post an excellent example of women ministering in the scriptures, it’s also a great example of how we can interpret and apply the stories we read in the scriptures.

As someone who is not currently considered “active,” I feel like it’s important to address how to minister to those who are on the rolls of the Church but do not come to Church.  In her post, “There is Room for You,” emeritus blogger, East River Lady writes this,

“I’d still like to think that when I am ready to return, there will be room for me. If not, I’ll make room. I know it’s there. I just have to find it and carve it out. There wasn’t room for Christ while he went about His ministry–– He was rejected and despised and considered a radical. But nonetheless, He went about His Father’s business and He made room. And his disciples and friends followed and supported Him, while gaining new supporters and friends. Heck, there wasn’t even room for Mary at the inn, but that didn’t stop the Savior from being born! Mary made room for Him! Now, not only is there room for Christ, there are mansions dedicated to His name! And He tells us today there is room for us. And I believe it.”

Sometimes, inactive people don’t come to Church weekly because they are apathetic, but I think this is unusual. Many of us have chosen to stay home for personal and painful reasons. It would be arrogant to assume that someone is inactive because they are lazy or easily offended. How can we minister to those who aren’t active? I would ask the class to share stories about ministering to inactive members.

I’ll share some of my thoughts here because they have changed dramatically since I am on the other side now.

1. Pray for those you want to minister to.

I used to think that when I did this, it wasn’t actually accomplishing anything because more often than not, I didn’t feel inspired to do much more than keeping a person on my list. I now realize that as someone who finds weekly attendance too painful, I love the idea of my visiting teacher (visiting minister?) praying for me every day. In fact, that’s all I really want, and my relationship with my VT has improved dramatically once I told her this.

2. Ask what she would like

This applies to active or inactive. Some people just want a treat, some people want a text, some people want a nice long visit in their home every month. Ask your charges. It will help both of you.

3. Love those you minister to

I sometimes look at how I treated friends and charges who were inactive, and I cringe, but I’m trying to be easier on myself. People can spot someone doing something out of the kindness of their heart and their pure desire to be friendly and show love as opposed to someone who wants to be able to check you off their list…a duty done, a notch in one’s belt. The examples I have linked to in this lesson help are, I hope, ideas you and your class can discuss to figure out how to have that Christlike love.

I love that in the Book of Mormon, we read that charity is the pure love of Christ. I would end this lesson with Moroni 7:46-48,

46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

Photo by Rosie Fraser on Unsplash

Guest Post: We will not be silenced #MormonMeToo

[image error]by Anonymous

“Mom – I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve realized that he took my agency away from me. I’ve been working on finding my voice again and I think the next step I need to take to find my voice and take back my agency is to post about what happened to me.” These words caused me to immediately panic. My 15-year-old daughter had spent the previous four months understanding and healing from a situation where a family member had been grooming and abusing her; it had taken her three months to even fully talk about what happened. I needed to protect her and posting on social media seemed like an incredibly vulnerable move – one in which I couldn’t control how people would respond. “I’ve already written what I want to post – do you want to read it?” She handed me her phone and I was completely blown away by what I read. I immediately knew she was right – she needed to take this step and I would not be the one to silence her. A few days later she bravely posted this on her Instagram account:

“I have been reluctant to share my story for so long but I think I am finally ready. so here goes nothing: as a 15-year-old, I was groomed, manipulated, and abused by a 29-year-old family member. he first made sure that he had my trust, then tried to learn everything about me: my favorite things, my likes and dislikes, my past, my fears, and any other information he could get. he would tell me stories that were very personal. he would treat me as if I were an adult. he would tell me every day how much he loved me and how important I was in his life. he began physically desensitizing me by hugging me for progressively longer amounts of time and touching me in ways that were inappropriate for this type of relationship. he would do anything to find time to be alone with me. he insisted on having late night conversations with me. he would tell me not to tell anyone. he would repeatedly state that our relationship was special and it was “our little secret”. he manipulated me into thinking that this was normal and perfectly okay. he would make me feel terrible if I said no or didn’t do something that he wanted me to do. he put me in a situation where I felt unsafe and terribly uncomfortable. I felt trapped. I could not escape. I. was. scared. he had so much power over me that I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. but guys, god is real and he watches out for each of his children. my Bishop told me that the angels watching over me pulled me out of the situation right as it could have become a tragedy. they rescued me. I want each of you to know that you are not alone. if any of you have gone through or are going through a similar situation, please tell someone. it is WORTH it because YOU are worth it. know that it is not your fault, no matter how many times you feel it is. know that people love you, are there for you, and will do anything to make sure you are safe and happy. I wish I could have realized these things sooner and told someone a long time ago. the church is true, god is real, and he will help you get through anything and bring an immense amount of healing to you and your family. #metoo#timesup”

Ironically, that week my husband and I were finally able to meet with the Bishop of her abuser. We had been trying to meet with him for almost two months and found him to be less than responsive. There was no response at all to an initial text asking to meet, so I followed it up with another request – this time explaining to him how we were related to the wife of the abuser and how she had given us his contact information and was fine with us requesting the meeting – still no response. Next, our Bishop called this Bishop directly and told him that unless he had the understanding that this man was a dangerous predator, that he had been lied to. He also told him that we had a side to the story that needed to be shared and that our daughter, as the victim, had the right to be heard. Still nothing. Finally, our Bishop provided him with a copy of a letter that we had written to the abuser. Something in this letter finally got him to call and set-up a meeting with my husband and I. We had such high hopes for this meeting. We knew this Bishop had been lied to by the abuser; the abuser is a master manipulator and could sell snow to an Eskimo, but this was our opportunity to make sure his church leader heard the truth. We wanted to make sure that this never happened to another child again and that meant that this man could not ever serve with children or youth. While we were also working with the police, without certain evidence there was likely nothing they could do beyond keeping the report on file to corroborate with future victims. If we couldn’t do anything legally – we were hopeful that at least we could keep children in the church safe!

I don’t know what I expected this Bishop to say, but it certainly was not what came out of his mouth. After fumbling awkwardly through several sentences the Bishop finally said to us “would it be ok if we start at the beginning?”. “Yes of course”, we answered. I was completely dumbfounded and left speechless by his next sentence. “Can we all agree that in the beginning that this was a two-way emotional affair?” After several moments of shock, I found my voice and said that we absolutely could not agree to that. “First of all, you do understand that she is only 15 right? And that when this began she was actually still 14?” He answered that yes, he knew that. “15-year-olds cannot give consent – period.” He was quiet for a minute and then asked me to explain what I meant by that. I explained that calling it both “two-way” and “an affair” implied that there was consent on both parts. And that 15-year-olds could not give consent to an adult – period. He asked, “is that what the police are telling you?”. I explained that yes they were and that the SVU detective on our case would be happy to speak with him about it. On the inside, I wanted to scream “no no one needs the police to tell them that!”

At this point, he realized that the emotional affair approach was not working out so he tried a different angle. The next thing I heard him say was “One thing that is hard in these situations is when one person is raised in a home where kissing on the cheek, hugging and holding hands is a sign of affection and comfort between family members, and another person is raised in a home where those actions are always considered romantic.” Suddenly it was pretty clear that this was how the abuser had lied and convinced this Bishop that he’d done nothing wrong. My answer “yes – that would be difficult, if that was the situation; however, that is not the situation.” Over the next hour, my husband and I explained in great detail the ways that this man had used his status as a Priesthood holder, used the Temple, scriptures and conference talks to convince our daughter that what he was doing was ok. We explained how he had manipulated situations to get her alone, systematically groomed her and ultimately forced her to endure unwanted physical contact. We explained how he not only told her not to tell anyone but also told her that if anyone found out, it would be her that they would be mad at. The Bishop listened to us as we talked, asked clarifying questions and seemed to understand. At one point he even teared up when he read a statement written by our daughter, similar to her post above. It all seemed so black and white to me. How could anyone hear these stories and not immediately recognize that a child had been abused?

As we wrapped up the meeting, he said that he felt that we were very concerned about finding out what the abusers “church punishment” was going to be and he needed to let us know that his primary responsibility was to protect the confidentiality of his ward member. I was confused – isn’t his primary responsibility to protect children? I explained that we actually were not concerned with the specifics of his “church punishment” rather our goal was to make sure that no child was ever abused by this man again. I asked him specifically if he had called the church abuse hotline and he indicated that he had not. I said, “all we are asking is that you call the church abuse hotline and work with them on this situation.” He ended the meeting by telling us that he would consider calling the hotline. Consider it? What does that mean? Why would you NOT call the hotline? Who are you protecting Bishop? Why does he hold all of the power when it comes to this hotline? Where is the number for me to call?

It has been less than three months since this meeting and during that time, the Bishop has met with the abuser and his wife several times. In these meetings, he told them that he does not consider this abuse (meaning he likely never called the abuse hotline), that the wife should stay with the abuser, and that the abuser should wait to make any kind of apology until emotions are not quite as raw. This past Sunday, he blessed his baby. It has been 7 months since the abuse was discovered, and less than 3 months since this Bishop heard the whole truth.

I am angry, I am devastated and I am incredibly discouraged; however, I want to learn from my brave daughter’s example. We will not let another man take our agency away, we will not lose our voice. I will continue to advocate for my daughter every single day and I will do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. Something has to change. We cannot protect abusers. We cannot ask spouses to blindly stay in marriages where they and their children are at risk. We cannot doubt victims and we absolutely cannot promote a culture where it is ok for a church leader to believe that a 15-year-old is capable of consent. The church policy on abuse states that the hotline should be called for EVERY case where there is abuse or risk of abuse. As long as church leaders feel that they are qualified to determine what is and what is not abuse, this policy does not go far enough. Bishops need to be required to call every time there is mention of abuse, not just when they think there is abuse; and they need to be held personally accountable if they chose to violate this policy. Additionally, members need access to a hotline so their access to help is not limited by the judgments of one church leader. Above all, the focus at all times should be on the safety and well-being of victims and not on protecting the confidentiality and reputation of the abusers. #MormonMeToo

Domestic violence in the church: When women are believed, change will happen

[image error]Tonight, hundreds of people are expected to gather in North Sydney (Australia) to talk about how church communities can take action on domestic violence. Last year’s event, called Time to Listen, was organised by Northside Baptist and sold out. At this one, called Time to Act, survivors and experts will discuss how they believe the church must change. 

Domestic violence in the church: When women are believed, change will happen.

 

 

 

The Cake

Baking is not on my list of talents. I am a frugal eater and not at all adept in food decorating, so my abilities reach to basic banana cakes and chocolate chip cookies. I love beautiful things, I just can’t seem to make my small, stubby fingers weave those things from my imagination into tangible offerings.

The other day our very loud doorbell rang over a very loud, screaming child. Surprisingly chill, I opened the door to find one of my ministering sisters holding a large piece of her leftover birthday cake. This cake, layered with a chocolate drip over white creamy icing, and decorated with Kinder and Ferrero chocolates, was indeed a welcome sight. We gratefully consumed the confection my sister had carefully made for her own birthday to share with her loved ones.

 

I am turning 30 this year. I like to joke that I feel old, but that’s not true. This is the best I’ve felt in my life, and I naturally want a cake to reflect the auspiciousness of this age milestone. My ‘thirty, flirty and thriving’ cake.

I immediately had my husband request that our friend makes the cake, just like the one she had shared with us. I had one condition . . . she had to let us pay.

When I was a teenager I babysat a stranger’s children for a whole day, so they could attend a wedding. When the time for payment came, even though I could really use the money, I refused. It was about 10% wanting to impress a boy and 90% because that’s what nice Mormon girls do, right? We serve. Maybe I took too literally the concept of laying up treasures in heaven, and not in the earth.

But when is treasure, or in this case, remuneration, deserved? I’ve asked myself again and again, and I’m not sure if there is a firm line in the sand. I do believe, however, that Mormons aren’t always good at paying for skilled labour. We give so freely, and I fear sometimes we inappropriately expect the same in return.

Thus, we had a hard time convincing our friend to receive money for making my cake. With a (friendly) threat of simply firing her, she finally caved in and let us pay for her skills that neither of us has. It felt right to pay.

Some questions I’m going to ask myself in the future:

How many hours will this take the person?
Are there material costs involved?
In the outside world, do people expect to be paid for this?
Am I utilising skills that the person has taken considerable effort to gain?

 

What are your thoughts? What are some other questions we can ask ourselves before asking another member of the LDS church for assistance?

Relief Society Lesson Plan: “Ministering as the Savior Does” by Jean B. Bingham

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With the restructuring of the Relief Society lesson curriculum, President Bingham’s April 2018 address is designated as a General Conference address that can be a theme for a lesson for 2ndand 3rdSunday meetings.

President Bingham’s remarks have to do with ministering in general as well as specific adaptations and changes to the former visiting teaching program, now called “ministering.” Her guidance could serve as an ongoing resource for Council Sunday classes, Ministering interviews, as well as a supplement and guide to 4thSunday lessons on Ministering. This lesson plan can be used and adapted to any of the possible class formats.

The directive for 2nd/3rdweek lessons and suggested lesson plan from the Ensign is found at this link. It includes the following instructions for 2nd/3rdSunday teachers.

A Pattern for Our Meeting

After the presidency member conducts the opening business and follows up on past lesson’s action items or the sharing of success stories, the class discussion time is turned over to a teacher.  The discussion is presented as an opportunity to “Learn Together” through the following ways:

Search for something


An Answer to a Question
An Inspiring Passage
An Example of a Principle (Principle = “a concentrated truth, packaged for application across a wide variety of circumstances”)


Share and discuss what you find
Consider how the message applies to the participant’s own lives and experiences.

Here are some questions and possible learning opportunities pulled from her words.

Q: “Why do we serve others?” or “How do we show love and gratitude for God and Jesus Christ?” (Paragraph 2)  “What sort of things “count” as service?” (Paragraph 3)

Inspiring Passage: “As you have the privilege to represent the Savior in your ministering efforts, ask yourself….What is the Spirit inspiring me to do?”

The transformation of the Activity-formerly-known-as-visiting-teaching to “ministering” is similar to recent improvements made to the missionary program. Scripted discussions went away, and a principle-based/Spirit-led approach was introduced in Preach My Gospel.  Doing away with scripted conversations, spiritual discussions and friendships will improve the organic way women relate to one another in the Relief Society. Throw out the script and listen to the Spirit!  Draw from your existing knowledge base of gospel truths and principles, show empathy and “Do What She Needs.”

Q: How can we think outside the box of what opportunities or activities we could do as part of our Ministering efforts? (Paragraph 6)

Q: Given these additional ideas about ministering to others, would anyone like to share an experience of being on the receiving end of such a needed ministry that went beyond a perfunctory visit with a photocopied message? (examples in Paragraphs 7,8,10)

Paragraph 12 discusses the inclusion of Young Women ages 14-18 in the Relief Society ministering efforts. An entire “1stSunday Council meeting” could be devoted to this topic, but some discussion time could be spent in this lesson about ways to help integrate the YW from your specific ward in the ministering work. What unique talents do they possess, and how could they be magnified by needed service? Invite mothers of current YW to share ways to relate to their daughters and suggestions for how to involve them in service.

Inspiring Passage: “No matter our age, when we consider how to minister most effectively, we ask, ‘What does she [or he] need?’ Coupling that question with sincere desire to serve, we are then led by the Spirit to do what would lift and strengthen the individual.”

Q: What’s the difference between doing what WE think she needs versus doing what she ACTUALLY needs, or what the Spirit tells us she might need? How can we find out if our idea to serve someone is welcome and helpful? How can we avoid being pushy with our service and inserting ourselves in an unwelcome way?

Q: What motivates “true ministering?” How can the power of our ministering be “irresistible”? (Paragraph 18)

Inspiring Passage: “The Savior is our example in everything – not only in what we should do by whywe should do it.”  (Paragraph 19)

Example of a Principle (unity): “How does it feel when ministering is carried out in this way? (4 Nephi 1:15-16)

Suggestion for the Closing Hymn: Sing “Lord I would follow Thee” but ask everyone beforehand to switch to all female pronouns: she, sister. It’s a powerful exercise to connect our hymn of prayer directly to the women in the room with us. Sometimes the gendered language of our hymns doesn’t register in our minds until we flip it, but when we do, it can have a tremendous impact.  This would be a lovely way to end the class discussion.

Whiteness Strikes Again

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https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/13/op...

I am a white woman who claims Mormonism (it’s complicated, I do Community of Christ now) and Feminism. This week we saw the a fake news hoax in the Mormon corner of the internet that deeply upset black Mormons. During this episode, the white hoaxer co-opted the pain of black Mormons for his own purposes, a classic example of whiteness in action. Black Mormons shared their reactions in a number of videos here, here, and here. Please watch them, even if you missed the hoax incident.

Whiteness plays out continually in Mormonism. Gina Colvin, in her blog and in the A Thoughtful Faith podcast that she hosts, is always pointing out the ways in which the culture, attitudes, and political beliefs of white American Mormons are set up as “normal” in the LDS Church. This centering of whiteness in the LDS Church is a problem that many white folks have not yet learned to see or understand. We need to stop engaging in structural and individual behaviors that create a hostile environments for people of color in our faith community. I hope that we can see that this de-centering of whiteness is part of the work of Jesus, part of loving our neighbor, part of becoming Zion.

When I am teaching or speaking about whiteness, I like to start with the The Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh. It’s an article on white privilege. At the beginning, she notes

I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group.

This really struck me when I first read it because I learned the same thing growing up in Maine. As long as I wasn’t outwardly mean or rude, I was not racist. And, quite frankly, being #NotRacist in this way was comforting. I was a good, checklist-oriented Mormon teen, and I was killing it with all of my non-meanness. But racism is more than individual acts of unkindness or discrimination, it includes systems that exclude and discriminate, systems that prioritize the cultures and values of white people over people of color. Racism creates a privileged class of white people, even if you don’t feel or see that privilege right now. But learning to feel and see privilege it is precisely what God calls us to do and formed the bulk of Jesus’ criticisms of the Pharisees.

In my experience, white people are often resistant to the idea of white privilege until they see the examples that she gives.

I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

It’s a good list. I have read it many times and it has helped me to see the ways in which white privilege has impacted my life. It helped me to start to see the whiteness of my environment. I learned that my experiences and life have been impacted by race, but for most of my life I’ve been ignorant of that fact. Once I started to see evidence of my white privilege at work, I understood that I needed more education. It’s a process and I’m still learning.

Right now, I’d like to invite you to learn with me.

I’d like for us to compile a similar list but with a focus on the white privilege experienced in Mormonism, Feminism, and at the intersection of the two.

I’ll start with a few:

I grew up in a church where I was taught that people of my race were righteous in the Pre-Existence, that my spirit had made righteous choices that are now a core part of my self.

I grew up in a church where God and Jesus were always depicted as sharing my race.

I participate in Feminist communities where when I am asked my opinion, people understand that I am an individual and my opinion is my own and not representative of my race.

I can speak and move in the spaces of Mormonism and Feminism without my words or actions reflecting negatively on my race.

Please note: the comments for this post are not a place to debate the existence of white privilege, to talk about so-called “reverse racism,” or to process the feelings of white people about whiteness. Please hold those conversations in other places. This is a place to brainstorm and learn to see whiteness. If that is something you are not ready to do, then do not comment below. 

fMh anthology – get your copy now!

Exponent Blogger Nancy Ross and Feminist Mormon housewives blogger Sara Katharine Staheli Hanks worked together to present this 10 year “fMh greatest hits” anthology. Future reviews of this great book and the work of the writers that went into it are forthcoming on the blog, but you’ve got to get your copy first! Read and re-read some of the most compelling posts along with us.