Exponent II's Blog, page 200

We Are Not All Mothers

So often at church, womanhood and motherhood are seen as synonyms. There’s no concept of a woman who is not a mother. The concept of a non-mother woman is so foreign that people feel the need to find ways to reassure childless women that they’re mothers, too – because if they’re not mothers, their womanhood is called into question.

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Sheri Dew even gave a general conference talk to this effect, entitled Are We Not All Mothers? I say in response, no, we are not all mothers. And that’s okay. The Apostle Paul reminds us that diversity is essential to the body of Christ. Some of us are hands, some of us are ears, some of us are eyes, and all of us are needed. (See 1 Corinthians 12.)

Plus, equating womanhood and motherhood has several problematic implications:

It devalues the hard work and sacrifice of mothers by saying it’s just part of femaleness and not really anything they did. Waking up at 3 AM for weeks on end for feedings and diaper changes? No biggie – just part of being a woman. Risking death? All part of the service.

It devalues the hard work and sacrifice of non-mothers by saying that our actual lives are meaningless so in order to give our lives meaning, we have to pretend that we’re something we’re not. It reinforces the notion that only motherhood matters, so we have to call everything motherhood so it can matter because it doesn’t matter on its own. Finished a graduate degree? Ho, hum. It’s not a baby, but we’ll give you a participation trophy anyway and call it mothering. Cured cancer? Okay, but we’ll remind you that you didn’t do what you really should have done, but here’s a plant – mother that.

And, most insidiously, it prevents women who aren’t mothers but who want to be from being allowed to grieve – because we can’t grieve the loss of motherhood because we’re being constantly told that everything is motherhood. Our baptismal covenant is to mourn with those who mourn, not to tell people who are mourning that teaching primary for an hour a week is really the same thing, so they haven’t lost anything.

Words matter. They mean things. Motherhood is motherhood, and it’s valuable. Non-motherhood is not motherhood, and it’s valuable, too. We need to start believing that and saying it over the pulpit and in our classes.

#hearLDSwomen: Every Week In Young Women, We Sang “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” to Check that Everyone Was Dressed Modestly

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Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

One of my Young Women leaders made a point to tell all the young women (12-17) to make sure they stay away from tank tops, sleeveless dresses, short shorts, and leggings, because even though we live in AZ and it’s 100 degrees outside, keeping our bodies covered was the most important thing — we couldn’t let our young men slip into temptation! Never mind passing out from the heat because you’re wearing so many layers to protect the boys from sexual sin !!

– MB

 

We were having Young Women/Young Men stake camp one summer. The stake sent out a huge packet of info about the camp, including a warning that the river was fast-moving and could be hazardous. The girls were told to wear shorts over their already modest swimsuits, and if they could wear a T-shirt over top as well, that would be even better. The boys, of course, received no such rule.

When I expressed grave concern to the stake that having the girls fully dressed while swimming in a dangerous river was a horrible idea, I was told that the stake president had decided that was the rule, so that was the rule. Once again, it is more important to police girls’ bodies than to keep their bodies safe.

– Anonymous

 

When I was 17 years old, I was the Laurel president and one of the most vocal young women in my age group. I also did not (very conspicuously so) adhere to the For the Strength of Youth when it came to suggestions for modest dress. There was a particular Sunday where I was super excited to wear my new sleeveless (but with thick straps) sundress to church, knowing that I would be presiding over announcements before splitting off into all the different age groups for Young Women. I could tell my leaders weren’t particularly enthused by my outfit choice, but I didn’t realize how much so until after church when I received a group message from one of my leaders about how proud she was of all the Laurel girls who covered their shoulders and wore appropriately lengthened dresses to church because they were setting the proper example for the younger girls. They were 11/10’s, so what did that make me? I remember crying so hard when reading that message because no matter how cute I felt in that dress (that was very appropriate for church), all my leaders could see was a need to passive aggressively shame me into wearing their idea of modest clothes to church because they felt so much shame and sexualization of the cisgender female body. That day, I felt marginalized for my expression of self through my outfit just because it showed my shoulders. Not only did I feel ashamed, but the people who shamed me were women themselves. That’s what makes me the saddest. The internalized shame, policing, and objectification of women within the church’s youth programs disgusts me. It needs to change, and change fast.

– MB

 

As part of opening exercises in Young Women’s each week, we sang “Head Shoulders Knees and Toes” as a group. As we sang we touched our heads to make sure our shirt didn’t rise up enough to reveal our stomachs, touched our shoulders and knees to make sure they were covered, and touched our toes to make sure our skirt didn’t rise up too high in the back. This practice started as a way of “encouraging” the young women to dress modestly.

– KJ

 

They did this in our ward in Primary. The Primary President led it.

– Anonymous

 

My sister in law said they did this in her Relief Society recently. Grown women forced to do this. Absurd.

– NE

 

I remember the girls doing this a few times in seminary… totally forgot about it until now. It was humiliating.

– MP

 

Pro Tip: When we look at women and girls through the lens of the male gaze and what men might think or feel when looking at them, we are sexualizing their bodies. Shaming women for their bodies or clothing choices is harmful. Making rules that prioritize keeping female bodies covered at the expense of keeping them safe or appropriately attired for the activity are absolutely unconscionable and should be revoked immediately.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

Teaching Uyghur in America

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/teaching-uyghur-in-america/id1169261799?i=1000448330007

#hearLDSwomen: My Bishopric Counselor Asked Me, “What Do You Do All Day as a Stay at Home Mom? Shop?” Yeah, His Wife Is Also a Stay at Home Mom.

[image error]When our oldest was a baby, my husband was called to the high council and assigned to another ward. I pointed out that we had one car and that ward met at the same time as ours. The stake president looked at me and told me I would need to rely on the ward members to get to church. At the time, I meekly submitted. In retrospect, I see I was given second class status as my calling and taking care of getting me and the baby to church were not as important as his calling. I also see the stake president could have assigned him to a ward without a conflicting schedule.

– Brooke Booth

 

My husband was called as a counselor in the bishopric. Hardest time during our marriage so far. He says we get blessings. I told I see none of those because I’m home alone all the time. And him being gone so much from our family was opposite of a blessing.

– Anonymous

 

I became engaged at BYU. The Stake President was a stranger to me. I already had my recommend, as I’d served a mission 6 years prior. In my “before you get married in the temple” interview with the stake president, I mentioned I was not changing my name. He responded, “I don’t think they’ll let you do that.” Inside, I laughed at his misunderstanding of who he was dealing with. And I was grossed out by his perception of boundaries.

– J.D.

 

In a YSA ward, I joked with my roommates about being antisocial because we never attended activities. We were also introverts. That was used against me multiple times by men in leadership, who even introduced me to new ward members as, “This is so-and-so. She’s anti-social.” During a combined lesson before general conference, the bishopric asked us to name things we struggled with and I said “gender roles.” A few rows up, a guy turned around and laughed at me. I couldn’t move out soon enough.

– Anonymous

 

A member of the bishopric, upon seeing me many Sundays,  said, “You’re a stay at home mom, so what do you even do all day?… Shop?” followed by snickering. Yes, I had a 4 year old with autism that I was caring for and driving to therapies, clearly I did nothing…. sigh. Saddest part was that this guy’s wife was and is a stay at home mom….

– MT

 

Pro Tip: Men in the church are expected to have full-time careers and independently provide for all their family’s financial needs. Men also exclusively fill the vast majority of time-consuming leadership positions in the church. Giving men the power in both of these spheres creates an imbalance when it comes to home affairs and parenting. Be aware of the dynamic this creates, and do your best to ensure men have the time to fulfill their role as fathers and husbands.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

#hearLDSwomen: The Bishopric Counselor Asks My Husband Before Extending Me Callings Even Though I’ve Asked Him Not to. He Does Not Do This When Extending Callings to Men.

[image error]My ex raised his hand to oppose a calling for me once in sacrament meeting because the bishopric hadn’t asked his permission first.

– Anonymous

 

My dad once voted opposed to one of my mother’s callings BECAUSE they had not told him first. SMH

– HMF

 

There is a counselor in the bishopric now who can’t seem to extend a calling to me without telling my husband first. I’ve asked him several times to please either ask us together or just to ask me, but he still doesn’t. He says women might not be direct about what’s going on that might impact the calling, but that the husbands would. Of course, they don’t talk to the wives before extending callings to the men.

– TB

 

When I got called as a youth Sunday School teacher, my dad told me it would be hard for me since the kids won’t take a female teacher seriously…

#hearLDSwomen: When President Nelson Blew Off the Reporter’s Question About Women in a Press Conference, I Cried All Day

[image error]After President Nelson became prophet, he was asked at a Q and A Press Conference, “what about the women?” he said, “we love them.” He didn’t answer the question. Instead, he and President Eyring talked about how their wives raised wonderful sons who later became bishops. So basically, it’s our job to raise boys to be lifted up in status. I don’t think so.

– Sarah Bridges.

 

AND he publicly reduced the Cornell-award-winning journalist who asked it (the brilliant Peggy Fletcher Stack) to her “proper role” as daughter and mother of “good missionaries” and then FORGOT HER QUESTION because it was so unimportant to him, publicly laughed about forgetting her question, further reducing her to the role of a cute little girl who has asked the grown-ups something precocious but absurd, THEN when after a long non-answer about how they cannot have racial and nationally representative leadership because the church is big (hmmmmm, Catholicism seems to do fairly well at this?) and when Stack pushed back and again asked “What about women?” gave us this masterpiece of patriarchal erasure: “I love ’em. I have a special place in my heart about the women.”

THE women. The mass entity that are THE women, as opposed to THE church.

I cried harder that day than I had in a long time. And that, given the state of things these days, is saying something.

– OM

 

I cried all day too after that interview.

– MR

 

I had the same reaction.

– AG

 

Every time I read the Family: A Proclamation to the World, I feel marginalized. I feel restricted. I feel patronized. And I remember a crucial fact: no women were involved in the development, writing, and “revelation” of it. Gender roles and expectations defined by older men without ANY input from women of any age makes me feel so forgotten, so unimportant, so degraded. And the irony of it all is that they announced the Family Proclamation in General Women’s Session to show that women are a crucial part of the church. You know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like we’re only important when it comes to pumping out kids and making sure that both men and children keep on the straight and narrow. The Proclamation makes me feel as if women are only the “other” compared to men, but are expected to hold the brunt of the load when it comes to spirituality and maturity. So, although it’s not one specific time or experience, that document that is now an integral part of CES lesson plans and BYU religious curriculum has made me feel smaller than I ever thought possible — just for being a woman.

– MB

 

Pro Tip: Male leaders in the church often talk about women by who they are in their relationships to men: wife, sister, daughter, mother. Even in the temple, women are treated as extensions of their husbands, not individuals in their own right. Be cognizant of this attitude in your dealings with women. Treat women like people.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

#hearLDSwomen: The Young Men President Told My 14 Year Old Son He Was the Presiding Authority in Our Home Because He Held the Priesthood and I, His Single Mom, Did Not

[image error]At the beginning of the year when the Come Follow Me manuals for families were being distributed, the Elder’s Quorum president was in charge of getting them to the families. He specifically wanted them to go to the “heads of house.” We went back and forth a little on that because I informed him that all the wives in our ward were co-heads with their husbands in the house. He spoke condescendingly to me, “The men, sister. These books are to be handed only to the men. They are the head of the household according to the Lord.” So then I got the correct number of books to hand to the men in Primary, my auxiliary (which I purposely ended up giving to the wives of said men to make myself feel better). Anyway, I told him I needed an extra one for a single sister in my presidency. He wouldn’t give it to me! He said he wanted her ministering brothers to deliver it to her.

Me: “Instead of her just getting the manual at church just like the rest of the families? Is that because her ministering brothers are “over her”?, The “head of her household” so to speak??” He kind of faltered and finally handed it over. The worst part for me were the tears in my friend’s eyes when I shared my anger and the exchange that I had just had to get her that manual. Teary-eyed she looked at me and in a shaky voice said, “I am absolutely the head of my own household. ”

– Anonymous

 

That’s kind of like how my husband was given *my* teacher’s manual for *my* adult Sunday School class with instructions to give it to me. I also noticed when they distributed the Come Follow Me manuals in my ward there was a widowed older sister sitting in front of me. They gave her manual to her elderly father even though they don’t live in the same house.

– AS

 

Once my husband called on me to bless the food. For the first time, I began, “Dear Heavenly Parents…”. He never called on me to pray again. (We’re divorced now).

– Anonymous

 

At the Provo MTC my Branch President had a rule that sister missionaries could not say any opening prayers for any type of meeting, even just the district group prayer at the beginning of each day. He didn’t announce this rule himself but had the district leader male missionaries let our districts know. Everyone in my district, elders included, knew it was wrong and were really uncomfortable with it. The district leader looked so embarrassed to tell us. This was in July 2011.

– KM

 

Some time ago my ward began to let women be the last speaker in Sacrament meeting. It happened about once a month, and I appreciated it so I mentioned it to one of the counselors and he responded that they had checked the handbook and saw no reason why a woman couldn’t speak last. Fast forward to a new Bishopric that was put in about two years ago and since then that ward has not had a woman speak last. It showed me that it doesn’t matter how forward thinking local leadership may be, you’re just one spin of leadership roulette away from where you started.

– JG

 

In the final months of 2018, my ward went more than two months without having a woman speak in sacrament meeting…not even once. I finally got so bothered by it that I confronted the bishop. “Do you realize we haven’t had a woman speak in sacrament meeting since before Halloween?” He said that he hadn’t notice that and that, “We just ask whoever the spirit impresses upon us to ask.” I wish I had pointed out that it’s not fair to blame the bishopric’s oversights on the spirit. I told him I’m pretty sure they hadn’t been prompted to silence an entire half of the congregation for weeks and weeks at a time. I ended the conversation by telling him, “Well maybe the spirit will impress you to let the women of this ward have a voice again.”

– RP

 

I am a single mum of two 14 year old boys. One of them does not hold the Aaronic Priesthood (his choice) and only goes to church occasionally . The other one does hold the Aaronic Priesthood, is a teacher and likes to go to church. I am not a believer anymore, but I don’t like to let him go to church all by himself, so most of the time I go with him. Sometimes we skip church. Yesterday we did not go to church. Afterwards, the new Young Men president and his counselor show up on our doorstep. We were all in pyjamas, enjoying a lazy day. The YM president felt inspired to come and see us, especially my less active son. We talked for a while then they asked if they could say a prayer. We kind of hesitantly agreed. Then he looked at my Aaronic Priesthood-holding son and said: “you hold the priesthood, you are the patriarch. Who would you like to say the prayer?” I immediately told him to stop right there and watch his mouth. I said that I am the head of the family here and no one else. He then asked me who should say the prayer. I still can’t believe he really said that (he is quite young, 25 at the most). I can’t believe he wanted to pretend a 14 year old holds authority over his mother. What a terrible way to undermine my position in my own family. Think of the consequences of that way of thinking!! Patriarchy is so toxic. It harms everyone. Once they were gone my boys and I sat down and we talked about this. Had to make sure things were clear!

– TV

 

Pro Tip: Women are the heads (or co-heads) of their own households. There is no doctrinal or practical reason that men should always give the opening (or closing) prayer or speak last in a meeting; recognize that your congregation is falling into these patterns and take the steps needed to balance out the situation.

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)

A Mother’s Blessing

Three years ago I shared what I called “A written prayer, a sort of love letter” for my second babe. This is what I wrote for my (very recent) third.

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Dear Milo,

This is sort of a blessing and sort of a letter and all of it comes from my love and my faith. You are named after my ancestor, Milo Andrus, who was an early leader of the church I want to be better, but still love. He converted when he was 19 and threw his life at the cause he believed in, serving as a member of Zion’s Camp, a bishop in Nauvoo and the first stake president in St. Louis, a missionary in England, the US, and Canada, and the captain of three wagon trains. He also helped build the Kirtland, Nauvoo, SLC, and St. George temples. Those titles aren’t important to me, but that desire and willingness to journey, and gather, and build even when it’s slow and hard is. I bless you to be this kind of dedicated and this kind of brave, to take journeys when you need to, to help gather and welcome others when they need you to, and to build whatever needs to be built.

Your name, Milo, also means mild, peaceful, calm, and merciful, which are a few more things I hope for you and bless you to embody. There is big strength in them as well as big (albeit quiet) courage.

Your middle name, Snow, is after Eliza R. Snow and Erastus Snow. They both taught me about Heavenly Mother and about truth as reason. I bless you to know both and to love both.

You are my baby in the wilderness. It was hard for me to carry you in a foreign country, and hard for me to give birth to you, even in mine. But I did it. For you. You are worth hard things. And before you were born, your aunt Charity asked our brother, Hyrum, who is on the other side of the veil to watch over you and protect you on your journey here. After you came faster than my midwife could, Charity told me she pictured Hyrum impatient, saying, “Let’s get this show on the road.” I think it might be true.

That quick entrance of yours was (purposefully) made at home. I pray that you may always feel at home with me—who was your body’s first home—and wherever you go in the world, that you can carry those feelings of home with you for yourself and for others, that you can be a comforting and safe presence.

Milo, I want you to know that you are loved and cherished, by me, by your father, by your big siblings, Cora and Søren, by your Heavenly Mother and Father, and by so many others on both sides of the veil. Even more than that, I pray that you will be able to feel that love and that it will be a North Star for your life. Thank you for coming to our family. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Love, love, love, love,

Mama

Guest Post: Mormons, Nudity and Sexuality

[image error]by Lizza Jacobs

This gorgeous drawing was a wedding gift from a BYU art professor. Jared and I met during his show and he very generously and graciously told us to choose our favorite as a gift when he heard we were getting hitched. I immediately remembered this because it’s breathtaking, graceful and intimate without being abrasive or exposed.

The human body is one of nature’s most glorious designs. It’s very easy to distinguish between nudity and sexuality – a feat that seems impossible for the church I was raised in.

I wouldn’t feel compelled to say anything, except some very Mormon folks stayed in our home over the weekend and we came home to this. [image error]

I am confused.

If they thought the drawing offensive (we have other “offensive” art in the house – like swearing and blasphemy- that remained untouched) why not just cover it with a sheet of paper? Why does she need clothes?

Maybe they left it as a gentle warning that our house was exposing their children to “pornography” or maybe they just forgot to uncover it before they left?

Regardless, anyone raised Mormon knows how unholy the church’s teachings on sexuality are.

It’s honestly exhausting to discuss the depth and density of this rabbit hole. A small recap includes zero masturbation before and after marriage, twice annual “worthiness interviews” starting at age 12 where a middle-aged untrained man feels entitled to every sordid detail of a developing teen’s thoughts and activities, zero queer sex, zero queer marriage, fornication is the second worse sin – next to murder, and case after case of the church protecting known sexual predators and ignoring the trauma of victims.

I laughed when I saw what they did. And then I was sad and angry.

This purity culture of religion is absolute bullsh** and it needs to end. I am so tired of the normalization of objectifying female flesh. I am so tired of a culture that trains little boys that a woman’s body has power to lure them to follow Satan. I am so tired of the constant shaming of sexuality and the abhorrence of nudity.

I am just so done with people thinking nudity is inherently sexual. There is so much about the body that is to be celebrated. I love turning on my senses and dropping down into the present moment, relishing in the movement of my limbs, savoring my food, staring at beauty until it changes me, hugging tight and long, laughing until I cry, swimming naked in lakes and rivers and marveling at the power of surrendering to raw nature, listening to how the breeze caresses the leaves and makes them shiver with delight. Waiting until I lost weight or had more money or my kids were older was nothing but a waste. And yes if you have a lover, I highly recommend worshiping the chalice of their soul with your own flesh and pondering on the transcendent bliss of shared pleasure.

LIVE. You’re alive and one day you won’t be and none of us knows when that day will come. It’s a tragedy to hide from joy because we were too busy shrinking from our own mammalian skin.

Lizza has spent her adult life reclaiming all the stories that hijacked her personal sovereignty from the men who thought themselves so important as to micromanage strangers in god’s name. Ironically, their demands that she dissolve her life into motherhood was their ultimate demise since through birthing her babies at home she met The Divine Mother, who gave her the keys to unlock the generational chains of conditional love. 

#hearLDSwomen: I Was Shamed and Called Attention-Seeking When I Asked to Hold My Baby During His Blessing

[image error]While preparing to bless our baby, I had wanted to participate by holding her since that would be the only church ordinance for our children that I would be able to be a (small) part of. But I was worried about making a fuss, I was worried that my Bishop would say no, and I was worried people would judge me. I also wanted to let my husband have this special moment with our child.

We chose only close family, one friend, and the Bishop to join in the blessing. I wanted it to be men who love my baby and who would be there for her through all of life’s ups and downs. So imagine my surprise when everyone invited to participate joins in a circle around my baby, and a complete stranger from the Stake steps in beside my husband. Sitting in the pews, there was nothing I could do. So I watched as a stranger participated in this sacred moment with my child because he held the priesthood, while I sat beneath them, powerless because I am a woman.

– Anonymous

 

The missionaries in our branch baptized a very sweet family with a newborn baby. Very quickly the husband was ordained with the priesthood so he could bless the baby. On the day of the blessing, the wife proudly carried the baby up to the front with her husband by her side. The branch president took the baby from her arms, handed it to the husband, and directed her to a seat in the congregation. The look of utter confusion on her face was heartbreaking.

– ST

 

This same thing happened in my ward with a single mother. Only add that the mother and baby were black and all but one of the men in the circle were white. She never came back to church.

– LP

 

This reminded me one recent baby blessing in our branch. Baby’s mother is an inactive member, father is non-member, therefore the baby was blessed by a leader who is a complete stranger to the baby. The baby was crying. But still the non-member father was the one who took the baby to the stand and stood beside the circle, not his mother who is a member. The mother sat silently in a back row!

– ES

 

When I told my Bishop I wanted to hold my baby during his blessing, I was accused of being a attention-seeking and shamed. I actually wanted to help bless my baby but was trying to stay faithful. When I spoke with a member of the Stake Presidency about this, he instantly said he didn’t see why holding my baby would be an issue. He said he would check for me but left me feeling hopeful. The next week in church, the Stake Presidency member cited the handbook apologetically and backed up the Bishop. I was devastated. I had prayed for guidance for my family and a handbook trumped my personal revelation.

– Anonymous

 

I felt very invisible when I wasn’t allowed to hold my baby during his baby blessing, not even inside my own home. This was actually the best bishop I’ve ever had. But this was very painful.

– Kristen

 

Pro Tip: When a woman under your stewardship makes a request that goes against the norm, perform a thought exercise where you ask yourself, what is the harm? And, what would Jesus do? And, am I putting policies before people?

Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.

“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)