Exponent II's Blog, page 197

Book Review: Bridges by David B. Ostler

[image error]David Ostler is a traditional Latter-Day Saint who has joined the ranks of Patrick Mason, Thomas McConkie, Adam Miller and Terryl & Fiona Givens by diving into the milieu of the current Mormon faith crisis.  His efforts culminate in his recently released book, Bridges, Ministering to Those Who Question, published by Greg Kofford Books.  In the past few months Ostler has been featured on podcasts including: A Thoughtful Faith (Gina Colvin), Leading Saints (Kurt Francom) , Live Love Laugh (Richard Ostler-his brother), Mormon Tangents (Rick Bennett), Marriage on a Tightrope (Kattie and Allan Mount), Mormon Stories (John Dehlin) and others.   I have listened to all of these interviews and eagerly read his book.

The intended audience for this book is active, practicing members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  His intentions are for believing members to understand people that question or no longer believe specific doctrines or truth claims of the church;  to explain why people question and why they leave the church; to build a bridge between active believing members and those that are less orthodox; to educate leadership at the local level–in wards and stakes–so that people in crisis can be loved and respected and ministered to by people who understand what they are going through.  I feel his sincerity in the written word and through the interviews. He is someone that ‘gets it’ and wants to help.

Ostler has served in multiple leadership callings within the church.  In recent years he and his wife Rachelle were called to minister to members of their local area that were no longer attending church.  They began by reaching out to people via mail and email, asking them to explain why they were not attending. From there he developed two surveys, one for members in leadership positions and one for members who identify as being in a faith crisis.  He conducted focus groups and one-on-one interviews with multiple people. He began disseminating his findings locally, which ultimately lead to the publication of his book.

Bridges is organized in a way that explains why and how he conducted his research, and presents the findings. The last few chapters focus on what to do with this information going forward. 

There are three sections:

Section 1: A Crisis of Faith

Section 2: Trust, Belonging and Meaning

Section 3: Ministering

In Section 1 Ostler does a good job of explaining what a faith crisis is and why it is more common now than in days past. He discusses the changing society’s effect on belief, highlighting the millennial generation.   He discusses a lack of trust, advanced technology, the decreasing “switching costs” associated with changing one’s views on marriage, jobs, political parties and religious affiliation. Ostler quotes President Ballard from a CES address advising teachers to be informed and not avoid tough questions from students. 

In the chapter titled, “Why People Leave” he discusses the following topics in some detail:

Church History
Church LGBTQ Policies and Practices
Unequal Gender Roles
Feelings of Judgement and Anxiety at Church
Concern about Prophetic Leadership and Revelation
Cultural and Language Issues
Political Conservatism
Mental and Emotional Challenges
Unique Millennial Issues

He encourages readers to reconsider some commonly held assumptions about people who struggle.  He cites data from the surveys regarding the faith crisis members. The majority were keeping all the commandments, reading the scriptures, attending church weekly, attending the temple and having meaningful personal prayer at the time of their faith crisis.  He concludes the chapter with a call to establish “…faithful avenues for people to discuss challenging issues with other Latter-Day Saints who know about the topics.”

In a chapter, “Confronting Today’s Challenges of Faith,” Ostler make direct recommendations to  Study church history including the Gospel Topic Essays and to focus on Jesus Christ.  He makes a plea to acknowledge that church leaders make mistakes and have some compassion for them and the callings they bear.   Ostler wheels out the “truth cart,” a metaphor introduced by Patrick Mason. He encourages us to examine what is in our truth cart and what does not need to be there.  Several of his podcast interviews went deeper in this conversation. He was asked if the “truth cart” was the same as “Cafeteria Mormons.” Ostler explained the “truth cart” as believing that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and Savior.  Items that didn’t need to be in the ‘truth cart” were the historicity of Jonah actually being swallowed by a whale, or the flood literally covering the entire earth, or Job being a real person vs a mythical figure. When he was pushed further to distinguish between ‘truth cart” and Cafeteria Mormon” Ostler stated he could see how they might look like the same thing but he saw a difference.   His point was the “truth cart” can be limited to a few certain things.   

In the chapter, “How Faith Changes,”  Ostler introduces the concepts of faith development and changing paradigm shifts that occur in some people as they experience life’s challenges.  He explained Fowler’s Stages of Faith Development focusing on stages 3 (strong, literal faith) and 4 (questioning, deconstructing belief). Ostler discusses “The Dark Night of the Soul,”a term frequently used to describe people in a faith crisis when they experience the absence of God, friends and support.   He concludes the chapter with a call to minister to those in crisis. He acknowledges it is difficult for those in Stage 3 to understand what is like to be in Stage 4, which is ultimately why he has written this book. 

Section 2 “Trust, Belonging, Meaning” has a chapter dedicated to each of these topics.   Ostler’s premise is that if trust, belonging and meaning can be achieved, people will be more inclined to find value in their church affiliation and continue to participate.  He shares data from the surveys and interviews that explain how each of these attributes are currently missing for people in a faith crisis. Those of us that are regular readers of The Exponent II blog, magazine and social media sites know these issues all too well. 

For example, in the chapter on Meaning, Ostler’s research says the Church doctrines are not spiritually meaningful to 54% of those in a Faith Crisis. In this same survey, eighty percent said the Church does not address spiritual issues that are most important to them.  Their longing for meaning goes beyond sitting through boring or repetitive talks and classes. People in a faith crisis are deciding what they believe and how to make peace with what they no longer believe. They are asking themselves who they can trust, where do they belong, how to raise their children, what does it mean for their temple covenants?  Where can people talk about these topics?

Ostler plants a bold quote in the middle of this chapter, from Rabbi Abraham Heschel (1955):

“It is customary to blame secular science and anti-religious philosophy for the eclipse of religion in modern society.  It would be more honest to blame religion for its own defeats. Religion declined not because it was refuted, but because it became irrelevant, dull, oppressive, insipid.  When faith is completely replaced by creed, worship by discipline, love by habit; when the crisis of today is ignored because of the splendor of the past; when faith becomes an heirloom rather than a living foundation; when religion speaks only in the name of authority rather than with the voice of compassion—its message becomes meaningless.”

Ostler then explains how to walk the walk rather than just talking about issues.

In section 3 “Ministering,” Ostler moves the conversation on ministering from motivational to ability-focused.   He encourages listening skills and notes there have been few talks on this subject in recent years.  He offers leading questions that invite people to share their experiences. He recommends that the listener really listen without thinking about what to say next.  His suggestions are good. 

He discourages labeling others, turning conversations back to ourselves, preaching, offering unsolicited advice, judging, manipulating and gaslighting.

He recommends ways to create a loving relationship through Christ-like empathy, building positivity in relationships, validating the other person by accepting and respecting their own experiences.  He suggests phrases that can be used during conversations that demonstrate an openness and willingness to engage in dialogue. 

Ostler encourages us to consider within each ward there are members who are in a faith crisis and have not shared their experiences openly.  He uses an example of a couple who met with their bishop for tithing settlement and shared with him that they no longer believed and were leaving the church.  The bishop had no idea prior to that meeting. 

How can a ward effectively minister to each other if the ward culture does not allow for true expression of thought and feeling?  

Ostler cites possible ways to address faith challenges such as an introduction to the Gospel Topic Essays, Special 5th Sunday meetings to address challenges, separate Sunday School classes to discuss difficult topics, special callings to help leaders support members in a faith crisis, focused discussions in ward council etc.   In this Local Leader Survey he asked if any of these things were taking place.  In general these things were not happening.  

Ostler calls for a welcoming atmosphere and inclusivity.  There is a section titled, “Being Inclusive in Church Classes.”  He begins by citing George Orwell’s 1984 and the concept of “thought-crimes.”  He encourages us not to police each other’s opinions.  He shares several first hand experiences of policing he has witnessed.  His interviews confirm that people felt policed at church, which for some, inhibited their ability to freely participate. 

In Bridges Ostler goes as far as he can go while still being a committed member.  In his interviews Ostler shares he has 6 adult children, some of whom no longer believe as they once did.  He says nothing can separate him from his children. He wants everyone’s children to feel love and belonging. His goal with this book and his many interviews is to effect change at the local level and within families. and isn’t that how all good things come about? 

If our intention is to create positive change in our wards and stakes I encourage you to read this book or listen to a podcast or two and then forward the book or podcast link to members in your circle of influence and encourage them to do the same.

Guest Post: War and Money

[image error]

By Judith Curtis

All religions say “Thou shalt not kill,” but so many countries have legalized and glorified fighting in wars as one of the most outstanding honors one can achieve. We glorify warriors—their stance, uniforms, weapons. We invented patriotism: everyone must glorify war or be considered not up to par. Many cultures are devoted to war as a way of life. They need to have an enemy—tribalism, warlords, terrorists, suicide even, because it is considered glorious to die for the cause.

Not only is killing other human beings during war acceptable, but the more one kills the more honors they can receive. Many die for the cause. And if they do not die themselves, they may suffer watching others die, having to kill to stay alive. If they are wounded, their bodies are often never the same.

In some countries even children are sent into battle. They are brainwashed into thinking it is their god-given duty. At times we hear of suicide bombers who give up their own lives to annihilate many others. Often they are fighting in the name of God, convinced that God is on their side.

War is big business. For many countries, including the United States, weapons are one of their major exports. And with so many weapons available, these countries seem to engage in continual conflicts to use them and to keep the business going. So there are virtually limitless funds available to develop and produce more weapons that kill ever more efficiently.

And what happens if someone’s conscience causes them to not want to kill? They are called cowards, sent to prison, and even killed for not participating. Citizens who oppose war are often viewed as unpatriotic. Even churches become supporters of war. War is also a major subject in the literature of all cultures—legends, novels, plays, movies, songs, and now video games, which condition entire generations from the time they are children to participate in the destruction of other human beings. Some sit at computers destroying other humans all day and go home to family and kids at night.

There seems to be no end to the destruction of others. Everyone talks about peace but wars don’t bring peace—only temporary halts until another can be started. About one quarter of all the taxes in the United States support the military. The world economies would collapse without it.

At the end of the Book of Mormon blood lust prevails. In the account of the final battles of the Jaredites, they go out each day knowing they were going to fight to the death. And they do that until nearly no one was left—even knowing they are going to die does not stop them.

At some point we need to find ways to avoid war, do away with racism and violence, and seek to find ways for all people in all countries to accept and commune with one another. For all religions to accept those of other religions and come together. Hopefully this would prepare us for the second coming of Christ to have our thousand years of peace and joy.

 

Judith Curtis lives in Phoenix, Arizona. She is a poet and has taught women in the church how to write memoirs for many years. Judith is a proud supporter of Exponent II.

Learning from the Past to Become Better Activists with April Young Bennett

[image error]

April Young Bennett with her book, Ask a Suffragist: Stories and Wisdom from America’s First Feminists.

In this episode of the Religious Feminism interview series, April flips the script. Instead of interviewing a guest, April shares clips from recent radio interviews and podcasts in which other hosts interviewed April about her new book, Ask a Suffragist: Stories and Wisdom from America’s First Feminists. You can find episode notes for the Religious Feminism Podcast here at the Exponent website: http://www.the-exponent.com/tag/religious-feminism-podcast/

Links to Connect and Learn More:

April’s website

Ask a Suffragist website

[image error]Ask a Suffragist: Stories and Wisdom from America’s First Feminists

Audiobook
Kindle
Hardcover (standard)
Hardcover (large print)

Listen to the Complete Episodes:

Clips from the following podcasts and radio shows are shared in this episode of the Religious Feminism Podcast. If you liked the clip, listen to the full episode!

For Every Girl, Woman or Female Activist, How can We Best Make Our Voices Heard? Could it be, by asking a Suffragist? on FLAUNT: Build Your Dreams, Live Your Sparkle with Lora Cheadle, Dreamvision Radio

April Young Bennett discusses the history of women’s voting rights with Victor Fuhrman on Destination Unlimited

April Young Bennett and Shawn Andrews discuss career-building on the Critical Mass Radio Show

Listen and subscribe for free below:

Book Review: Crossings by Melissa Inouye

[image error]

Crossings: A Bald Asian-American Latter-day Saint Woman Scholar’s Ventures Through Life, Death, Cancer & Motherhood (Not Necessarily In That Order). Melissa Wei-Tsing Inouye. BYU Maxwell Institute/Deseret Book (2019).

Last weekend, at the annual Exponent retreat, I spoke with a woman just slightly younger than me who was attending the retreat for the first time. She was earnest and thoughtful and we fell into an easy conversation that quickly began exploring some of our personal struggles. Much of what she said sounded exactly like the battles I have in my own head and, while we shared a little advice, mostly we just listened to one another and nodded our heads in empathy.

At one point she asked me if I feel like I belong in my ward. I laughed. Truthfully, much of what I struggle with as Mormon feminist is the question of whether my fellow ward members want me to be there. Mormons often don’t feel like a natural fit to be my people. But I also realize that I do best with the Church when I am up close and personal, putting my energy into listening to and serving the person right in front of me. In a society that is increasingly splintered into homogenous demographic groups, it’s good for me to work closely with people I disagree with politically, theologically, socially, and sometimes even morally. It forces me to be uncomfortable enough to learn how to really love people.

Reading Melissa Wei-Tsing Inouye’s new book Crossings captures this difficult but beautiful aspect of community in the Church. The subtitle, A Bald Asian American Latter-day Saint Woman Scholar’s Ventures Through Life, Death, Cancer, and Motherhood (Not Necessarily in That Order, points to the particularism of her writing: she’s not standing at a great distance, writing about ideas that are separate from lived reality. She is sharing her individual journey, how her faith and religion have guided her down a certain life path that is both hard and joyful. 

Melissa seems less concerned with theory and more with the truth that emerges from experiential religion. We see God in her life because she allows us to be up close and personal in moments of her mission, her pregnancies, her conversations with friends, and her treatment for cancer. I was surprised and intrigued by the inclusion of her annual family Christmas letters, a little insight into her young family’s growth. While the family moves around East Asia and New Zealand, the letters and essays actually emphasize the mundane—and that it is in the mundane that the most sacred experiences occur.

More than any other message, my takeaway from the book is that Melissa believes that if anything will save us during this particularly challenging time in Church and world history, it will be relationships. She writes in the introduction, “It is through relationships with others, particularly those we behold on the other side of a large divide, that Jesus Christ calls on us to demonstrate faith the first and second great commandments” (p. 11). Crossings gives one wise woman’s particular example—with all her humor, wisdom, songs, parables, advice, and experiences folded in—of how, in very real and daily ways, to make those relationships happen. As someone trying to build Zion through those one-on-one interactions, I couldn’t be more grateful to have someone like Melissa engaged in the work, teaching us all how to do it with grace.

You’re Sad I Left the LDS church

[image error]I understand that this can be confusing and painful. I’m sorry that I had a part in giving you pain. I am sure it is hard for you to see why I would no longer feel at home there. I learned many good things growing up in the church, and for that I am thankful. I learned to be honest. I learned to freely serve those around me and even complete strangers. I learned to value truth. I learned to value a wholesome and virtuous way of life. I love how you also embody those values and try to live your best life. I love how you try to be a good neighbor and to love and serve those around you, even those who are different. I admire your integrity. I love you just the same as I always have.

I had a decent upbringing in the church. My participation helped me make some good decisions and helped keep me out of some potentially dangerous ones. I struggled at times, because I felt like I could never be good enough and I tried to be exactly obedient. The church lifestyle was no problem for me. Sure, it was hard getting my children ready and off to church each Sunday while my husband was in meetings, sure, it was hard reading scriptures daily with the family and family home evening weekly. But I could do them, and I did. Even for a few years after my testimony in the truth claims of the church fell apart. There came a time when I realized there were a lot of core beliefs that the church holds that I couldn’t subscribe to. It was deeply painful, especially because people I loved and respected spoke spitefully about people like that. But I just couldn’t believe anymore, no matter how I tried.

For a while I struggled with trying to get my testimony back. Fasting and prayer and scripture reading did not yield the promised fruit. It was when I finally said “I can’t do this anymore God, can I step away?” that I finally felt peace. Believers often paint disbelief as an ‘easy out’ for people who ‘couldn’t cut it’. That is very much NOT the case for many of us. I spent many nights in tears and days struggling with things I learned and with the feeling of being completely unmoored, like a foundation had been ripped from under me. I was never taught to trust myself and my ability to discern between good and evil. But I eventually went through the painful process of evaluating each former belief and deciding if it was something I could bring with me or if I had to leave it behind. I finally began to have more peace as I realized I was still a good moral person and that I would be okay. Sometimes people who leave the LDS church are accused of doing so because they ‘wanted to sin’, ‘wanted to dress immodestly’ or ‘wanted to drink coffee’ or other such things. I think they actually re-examined their worldview and their concept of ‘sin’ or ‘modesty’ changed.  Or their understanding of a personal code of health no longer included ‘no coffee’.

There are still things I definitely struggle with. I miss feeling like I ‘know’ what happens after death. I have to admit I have no idea -but this doesn’t give me anxiety like I thought it would. I feel weirdly at peace with the state of not-knowing. I trust that I am doing the best I can, so if I go on and have to make an accounting to God after this life, I trust that God is good and will understand what I’ve been through and that I’ve done the best I could. I also really miss the sense of community and knowing I had a group to reach out to who would respond when I might find myself in need. In the past it was such a comfort to know I could reach out to my new ward or branch when I moved, for example. Now I have no idea how that will work. And I don’t know who I will reach out to if a serious health condition threatens my family. I also find myself reflecting on existential questions from time to time. And there are things I just don’t know.

I know that, when you say you are praying for me, you mean “I love you.” And that you have good intent.  If you are worried about my spiritual well-being or where I will go after I die, please try to trust God. If you believe in the goodness of God and in eternal progression, then I hope that will give you comfort about me or others like me. Trust the character of God and that God is more loving, more compassionate, more generous than you had suspected. That if you care about what happens to me or others who have left, God cares infinitely more than you and will find a way. Let that bigness of God give you peace.

Please don’t be afraid of me. I have no desire to take your faith from you- I trust you to know what is best for you. I have hoped that we could remain friends, though I have pulled back at times because I was hurting. I think we still have more in common than different. A lot of our values are still the same. We both strive to be agents of love in the world. Perhaps there are times when you or I will be surprised by some of the things we think differently about now. But I think we can still learn from each other. Perhaps there are times when it would be appropriate to have a longer discussion about something. Perhaps we can each share more about our journeys in time.

We seemed to be the same and now we’re not. If I say I am upset with the church, you feel I am upset with you. I’m not. You feel like I am ruining the ‘forever family’. That is not how I see it at all. I realize these beliefs and the consequences of disbelief are very real to you. I’m sorry your beliefs are causing you pain. I am especially sorry I had any part in that> I never wanted to hurt anyone. I’m sad when I think of the pain I have caused to others I care about. I get that it is going to take some getting used to, but the truth is I don’t believe in the church, and find that the best thing for me is to disassociate from it. Can you accept that I am acting in integrity? That I can still love and respect you even if I have to distance myself from your church? I will still try to support you and be there for you when I can.

Myths about solo sex, bodies, and self-care for Mormon folx.

[image error]

By LMA

September 2019

1. Masturbation is wrong and breaks the law of
chastity.

So many of us received strong and highly-loaded messages from various sources from the beginning of childhood and even into adulthood about the wrongness of masturbation and the supposed moral implications of touching our bodies.

Each of us gets to choose what is most right, healthy, and good for our bodies, period. If it helps to hear it from someone else (and there are many others who feel this way, too), masturbation is not wrong. It is not breaking the law of chastity to listen to the needs of your body. It is not wrong to have time alone with your body sexually to comfort yourself and feel safe in your body. It is chaste and so important to be in touch with the needs of your body and to respond to those needs, whatever they are.

In the wise words of Heather Corinna (2012):

“If it’s
wrong, it’s a wrong thing that the vast majority of the population does at one
time or another, most starting so young that we don’t even remember when we
first did it. If it’s wrong, it’s a wrong thing most people do with some
frequency, which doesn’t do anyone else any harm whatsoever, and which can have
positive health effects (like reducing cramps for women
during menstruation, reducing stress, increasing circulation, and helping
to prevent prostate cancer in men), and has no negative health effects.

If it’s
wrong, it’s a wrong thing people do which usually results in feeling better
about their sexuality, knowing their body better, and having more enriching
sexual relationships, by virtue of that comfort, self-knowledge and being able
to better communicate sexual likes and dislikes through what’s learned
with masturbation.

…If it’s a wrong thing to
do, then we’d have to say that there is something wrong with someone knowing
when they just want to satisfy themselves and choosing to do so, rather than
seeking solely or primarily to satisfy themselves on someone else’s body. I’d
also say that if it’s a wrong thing to do, so then would be all the other
things we do to comfort ourselves or relive stress or treat ourselves to a
sensual pleasure: things like making a meal that tastes delicious, taking a
long, hot bath, enjoying a hike in the open air, or having a good snuggle with
someone we love.”

2. Masturbation is okay only in moderation.

Masturbation is not a food that we are trying to avoid or manage out of shame or fear. The language of moderation comes from the Doctrine and Covenants, which outlines suggested practices related to the word of wisdom and body intake. In addition, the word of wisdom arguably does not account for all of the variation in needs or preferences for all bodies, as does the idea that masturbation is acceptable only in certain situations, frequencies, or for certain people. Furthermore, we would never say to a cisgendered, heterosexual, married couple “in your sex life, sex is only okay ‘in moderation.’”

Second, masturbation is about self-care and comforting and tending to ourselves just as much as any other non-stigmatized form of self-care is (e.g., taking a hot bath, enjoying nature, etc.). Again, we would never say, “Enjoying nature is okay, as long as it is in moderation” or “Taking a hot bath is okay, as long as it is in moderation.” Engaging with yourself sexually is just as okay as those other things. See the attached discussion from Heather Corinna regarding the double standard that exists between the comfort and self-care that comes from self-pleasure or sex vs. other sensory and self-care activities that are not as stigmatized in society.

3. Masturbation is a (poor) replacement for
partnered sex/people only masturbate until they can have partnered sex.

This is an important one. This is not true. Masturbation and partnered sex are related to each other, but they aren’t the same thing (see Heather Corinna’s really well-written discussion of it here). People who are happy and satisfied in partnerships (married or otherwise) masturbate and folx who aren’t partnered also enjoy it. Sometimes people in partnerships even do it as a shared activity. In addition, the inherent assumption in this is that cisgendered, heterosexual penetrative sex is the best kind of sex, and that’s also not true. It is only one kind of sex, and masturbation is not just a “means to an end” while we wait for a very limited type of sexual activity.

There are a couple of reasons why we should recognize and validate solo sexual experience. The first is that we are our own primary comforter and partner – both emotionally and sexually. We are the only person who is with us our entire lives. We are the one who knows best our feelings, needs, preferences, and desires. Even when we are in partnership or married, we are first and foremost responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. We take on the role of primarily comforting and nurturing ourselves, and there is no reason why this comfort should not extend into our sexual experience if we want that. We are whole and intricate people who deserve nurturing and self-care. Engaging in intimate contact with ourselves is just as meaningful and important as having intimate contact with a partner(s). This is the case even during times of our lives when we are in partnership with others or are married.

4. There is a set number of times it’s ok to
masturbate within a single week.

There is no magic number of times it’s ok to masturbate within a single week. Everyone’s desire for sex is different, and we each get to choose what is right for us. Several resources describe one simple guideline should be considered: as long as your solo sex time isn’t affecting you doing the things you need to do (e.g., work or school or family obligations), however often you’re masturbating is totally okay and fine. This guideline is discussed here on Scarleteen and here from Planned Parenthood. If or when it does become a concern, you can talk to a therapist or someone you trust. It is totally good and healthy to seek out support and talk about these things.

5. Masturbation is a distraction from more important
things we have to do.

For a lot of people, spending quiet time with their bodies is a very important thing to do, and engaging with themselves sexually allows people to experience comfort, satisfaction, and clarity that helps them be able to accomplish what they need to in other areas of life.

In addition, when people talk about masturbation as a distraction, a potential addiction, a possible obsession, or something bad or wrong, that is a symptom of the shame and stigma about sexuality and sexual expression that exists in our society and faith, particularly for single people. If someone makes some kind of statement about masturbation being bad, ask yourself, “would this person say this was bad if we were talking about other forms of self-care like taking a cozy nap?”

6. Any kind of sexual experience is only reserved
for partnered or married people.

This one is extra important to talk about. Having a sexual identity, desires, and sexual experiences is relevant to everyone, regardless of age or partnership or marital status. In the church, we are clearly taught that the cisgendered, heterosexual relationship is the only relationship where sexual identity, desires, and experience are sanctioned. This clearly does not include the lovely diversity and intersections of gender expressions, sexual identities and experiences, and anatomy captured in human sexual experience. All of us have some type of sexual identity, including not having a preference for sex at different periods of our lives, or at all (i.e., the experiences of ace folx).

The idea that sexual feelings are shameful and bad until the moment you get married is wrong and damaging to so many people. Single folx have sexual feelings, experiences, and identities. Partnered but not married folx have sexual feelings, experiences, and identities. And married people have sexual feelings, experiences, and identities – some of which they may also have very complex and delicate feelings about, especially if they were taught to suppress those until marriage. Attaching taboo and shame to sexual feelings and identity until they become sanctioned at the arbitrary outcome of heterosexual marriage denies the lived experience of many people. It also fails to capture the lovely, healthy, good, and natural sexual feelings, experiences, and identities we all have.

7. Masturbation is a requirement for physical and emotional health.

No, you do not have to masturbate if you don’t want to. There are so many lovely ways to build and practice physical and emotional health! The important thing to remember is you get to have complete control about how you engage with your body. If you want to masturbate, you can. If you don’t, you don’t have to. You get to choose what is desired and safe. You get to choose what your self-care routine looks like.

7. You have to have a thin body or look a certain
way to enjoy being sexual.

This is really important. You do not have to have a thin body or to look a certain way to enjoy being sexual on your own or with others. You just have to have a body. People of all body sizes and types enjoy different forms of sexual expression. I wrote about my experience attending to my sexual self in my fat body here. It’s ok to have cellulite, rolls of fat, stretch marks, a large tummy, wobbly skin, scars, body hair, genitals that look and smell like genitals, etc. Your body is a good body. Your body is perfect as it is. You can enjoy being sexual in the body you have right now. You deserve to feel safety, comfort, and peace in that body. 

8. If you masturbate, you’ll go to hell and your
“secret acts will be shouted from the rooftops.”

I’m pretty sure my mom has actually used this scriptural reference in regards to masturbating (I wish I was joking – insert many crying emojis here). My therapist taught me that we are allowed to have private thoughts in our minds and private time in our lives. You don’t have to share any information about your private sexual life with friends, family members, or ecclesiastical leaders if you don’t want to. If you feel safe and comfortable sharing this information with a trusted friend, know it is completely normal and good and healthy to have solo sexual time, and to talk about it with people you feel safe with. They might even have things to share with you, too! I have written previously I strongly believe Heavenly Mother is really happy when we experience pleasure and are feeling safe and comfortable in our bodies. I still believe this. You are entitled to your private sexual life, as is anyone else, married or not. Amen.

What are the myths about sex, bodies, and self-care you wish could be eliminated in society and in our faith? What things do you wish had been said about it? What would you say to your younger self or a younger person you know?

Please see a list of affirming, inclusive resources on bodies and sex from the blog last month.

The Death Cycle of a Policy

[image error]

Artist Unknown, ca 1888

By Mormon Human 

There was a talk given recently by the person who, for a time, has the position of President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This position is an administrative one. This position also currently includes the assumption that the person holding it is also a prophet, seer and revelator. 

I only consider someone to be a prophet when they are speaking as a prophet. Prophetic words are ones that invite God into the world. They are words that speak of a loving God, and warn of things that don’t. They are words that minister.

I have been very aware of the personalities, words and actions of a number of church leaders since I was a very young. I see some things they have in common. 

First – They are all deeply influenced by their biases, experiences, traditions, and fears. Of course they are. We all are. Being set apart in a calling or position does not rid us of our humanity, even if the calling asks us to seek divine help in confronting our frailties as we seek to serve.

Second – They all need to deal with the severe temptations that come with adulation, and some do so better than others. Gordon B. Hinckley acknowledged that adulation was a constant problem for him to resist. He said, “It is so very important that you do not let praise and adulation go to your head. Adulation is poison.” I have been alarmed at the resources devoted to offering ostentatious praise and attention to the current church president. It is a disservice to the church members, to the calling and to him. It is hard for any of us to not allow our ego to get in the way of our need to seek compassion, to listen for inspiration, to confront a closely held paradigm. Anytime praise is heaped on us, for any reason, that temptation for us to make things more about ourselves, and less about love and charity can be overwhelming.

A reminder to those who have not thought of this before assuming someone in authority must be immune to human frailty… “We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.” D & C 121:39.

There are clear and severe warnings in Doctrine and Covenants 121 about the dangers of seeking position, and claiming power and influence based on position. The scenario of those warnings plays out repeatedly in our histories, as well as now.

Anytime I hear anyone, especially a person in a leadership position, claim absolute truth based on their position, or say that we should pray for an answer, and the answer we pray for needs to be a confirmation of what they said, otherwise it is the wrong answer, because of their position – it is a warning that they are trying to justify themselves, whether they see it that way or not.

I have heard and read a number of statements by church leaders that encourage members not to hand over their thinking and agency and need to seek answers to anyone, not even the highest church leaders. And we, like those leaders, are still human. We still want to take the easy way, and not have to think, or study, or pray with a willingness to confront our own bias. We still want to have others do our thinking for us, so we know who to blame when things go wrong. 

This is how many people chose to see the November 2015 policy. It was so difficult to process, they wanted others to tell them what to think about it, and how to justify it. It is time for each of us to think for ourselves about this, and be a part of ending it.

There were a number of things which led to what happened on November 5, 2015.

That policy…uh, revelation…no…policy…no…God’s mind and will…no…rescinded policy…no…adjusted policy…um…act of love…enforcement of…no…encouragement to live God’s law…

Whatever others choose to call it, I call it the Exclusion Policy. I also call it the most destructive event in the history of the church.

Whatever discussions, thoughts, meetings happened in the minutes, weeks, years and decades that preceded November 5, 2015, many seem to involved lawyers, and church leaders of various religions expressing concern about guarding, protecting and reinforcing traditional ideas and rhetoric about how any marriage other than cisgender, heterosexual marriage which produces many biological children is a literal threat to stable society, and will end civilization as we know it. 

What I have not seen is any leaders, or church lawyers speaking of trying to learn more from those impacted directly by such rhetoric. 

I have not heard of any of them speak of seeking to learn what current science and valid medical studies are revealing about gender identity, and sexual attraction. It is especially disturbing to hear President Nelson, with his extensive medical training, suggest scientific guidelines used to determine surgical proceedings are examples of how God’s law works – and yet not include the background of how those scientific guidelines involve many contradictions, and reversals, and mistakes, and failures, as well as the constant need to seek more information and be open to more change. 

To claim any scientific finding is absolute and unchanging is to defy the nature of intelligent exploration and the scientific process. To do so is life threatening. 

To claim that God’s law is unchanging is to deny that we can only see and understand in part, that we see through a glass darkly, and our best hope is to constantly be open to further revelations. Otherwise we are limiting the very God we claim will continue to speak to us, as we close our ears to the possibility of revelation that could shatter our precious certainty. We are claiming to know everything of which God is capable, including that Their love must have limitations. We are only making room for a God that knows only what we already know, and that can only love as much as we know how to love.

I have not heard any of the leaders speak of wrestling with how the rhetoric contradicts Christ’s teaching to love everyone, and always reach out to those rejected by society. I have not heard any of them talk about praying constantly for guidance as they confront their own limited understanding. 

This seeking, this wrestling, this desperate pleading for understanding – this is what countless members have been living. And we have been doing all we can to share our experiences, our journeys, our pain, with each other, with God, and yes, with the leaders.

That is why, as soon as I heard about the Exclusion Policy, I knew it was going to fail. Divine inspiration has an inherent life cycle that continues on. There is a process of revelation, growth in understanding, maturing thought, deepening knowledge, and seeing how it can lead all of us to greater existence. Teachings that encourage barriers or justify denying blessings, or words that try to limit where people can belong will not be able to continue. Instead of a life cycle, it is a matter of letting it go through a death cycle. 

Anytime there is a teaching, a declaration, a doctrine, policy, revelation, or whatever someone calls it – and it is a clear contradiction of the first and second great commandments to love God and love one another – it is going to fail. It is not of God. It is an attempt for humans to… “undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men.” D & C 121:37.
I suggest that we can know when something is from God. It has good fruit. It encourages growth, and life, and can apply to everyone. We can pray, and listen, and seek growth in our understanding when we do.

When a teaching is presented that is harmful, that denies the value and worth of entire groups of people, or when it restricts people from participation in the very ceremonies which we claim we are to share with all, and that restriction is based on views that are about justifying one’s own bias rather than considering new understanding – there is no life, there is no room for growth, and it can only benefit a shrinking number of people.

The Exclusion Policy has been in a death cycle since it was leaked. It does not inspire life, or growth, or love. Signs of destruction were immediate. Entire bishoprics and stake presidencies stepped down. Many stalwart members resigned or stepped away. The Church as a community is bereft, because so many felt they could no longer safely participate. But, most of all, the despair to those directly impacted is indescribable. The loss of life, in all ways, is horrific. This loss was immediate, and is ongoing. 

I had hoped the death cycle would be short. I hoped enough people would quickly see the need to listen to the despair, set aside fear and ignorance and pride, completely rescind and apologize for the policy, and move forward with humility, seeking to heal. I hoped there would be so many leaders who realized the handbook is meant to be no more than a guide for leaders, only to be used when the spirit prompts you to see how it might apply to your congregation, and that the spirit would never deny children, or anyone who desired to belong to a community who sought to follow Christ.

But the efforts to justify it, even after attempts to remove it, continue on. 

Every time someone, especially someone who has a position with any authority, tries to explain away the harm, or justify the limitations, or lay the responsibility for it on others, especially by claiming it is God’s will, it extends the death cycle by attempting to resuscitate the reasons for its existence. 

I try hard not to assume intent on the part of President Nelson or any leader. It is impossible to really know what they are thinking. One reason I try not to assume is because I hope to offer the grace I desire to receive myself in my own frailties. 

Another reason I try not to assume intent is because reacting to what is said also extends the death cycle of this policy. Constantly reacting to harmful rhetoric, for the sake of the rhetoric, extends the life of the rhetoric. 

I ask that people look for ways to listen to the pain and harm, acknowledge and practice compassion in the sacred place of sharing this pain, and place your efforts in healing those wounds. 

I ask that you not give resources to postponing the death of this policy, by extending, even through exposure, the rhetoric that helped create it or justify it. 

Christ is an example of one who would not resist evil with force, or hate. 

He showed that we can only overcome evil with love. 

We can’t destroy our enemies by fighting them. We can only transform them with love.

Being reactionary to this policy continues its existence.

Being loving action in the wounds caused by it might help the policy and the justification for it die. 

Please. Do not give your attention to the voices trying to justify and excuse themselves. 

Give your attention, your means, your time, your love to all those who need healing. 

That could be the way we overcome, and conquer death with life.

Book Review- Frontier Grit: The Unlikely True Stories of Daring Pioneer Women

[image error]I enjoy reading books about tough women from history, and this book did not disappoint. Frontier Grit tells the stories of twelve pioneer women. Each chapter is devoted to one woman and at the end of each chapter, author Marianne Monson gives an enlightening message about what we can learn from that particular woman.

One of the stories was about a famous stagecoach driver who lived most of her life as a man. It wasn’t until her death that they found out she was female. I found this story very remarkable because  the driver lived her whole life as a man without anyone finding out. She even registered to vote back when women weren’t allowed to vote.

Another woman featured in the book is Martha Hughes Cannon, one of our LDS pioneer women. She’s the one who was set apart to become a doctor and later ran for office and became a state senator. Her husband and other members (such as Emmeline B. Wells), also ran for office in that same election, and Cannon became state senator. The sad thing is that she had her diaries burned after she died.

Another story I loved was the one of Clara Brown. She was a slave and lost her family when they were sold and separated. Her deepest goal in life was to find her daughter. After the slaves were freed, Clara searched for her daughter for almost 50 years before she found her at last. Her faith in God carried her through all the hard times and helped her find peace.

These are just a few glimpses of the stories of great women you’ll find in this book. Each story is unique and worth reading, and leaves behind a great legacy. I like that each woman had a unique story. They had their own talents, their own path in life to follow. I especially loved this quote about one of the women, “Abigail is a resounding reminder not to minimize your own opinions nor doubt the power of your voice to truly change the world” (50). Some of the other stories were about fighting for American Indian rights, addressing child labor and the awful factory conditions, and rescuing Chinese girls from human trafficking.

This book shows that women are strong and have accomplished and continue to accomplish many great things throughout history. It’s a work that inspires people to change the world. It also reminds us that the women who accomplished great things also went through great trials. Their accomplishments weren’t easy and they had to fight their way through many obstacles. One of the women in the book asked, “What are you going to do with your life?” (164).

Another of my favorite quotes is:

“A life viewed in retrospect, whether fictional or drawn from reality, tends to feel inevitable, as if it could not have happened any other way. But this inevitability is only an illusion of hindsight. The reality is that any of these stories could have had drastically different endings at any point of their narratives” (195).

I loved this book so much and I recommend it to anyone, especially to women. This book is definitely one of those valuable treasures whose stories and lessons will stay with you for a long time.

Guest Post: Mormonism as a Muse

[image error]by Elle Mae

“A place that wasn’t quite Zion, but tried.” (Hunt Steenblik, Rachel. “Jane.” I Gave Her A Name.)

Mormonism lives in a tender place in my body. I carry it with me at all times. In the past, it has felt like a thirsty desert–crying out for rain. A special brand of anger. Other times, the anger radiates in my body and feels like it cannot be contained. Sometimes, I have no words. I remember “Jesus wept.”

What do you say when the most beautiful nurturing place in your life has been dangerous and cruel all along? What do you say when the revelation you need hasn’t come? What do you say when you wish you could completely remove it from yourself and you can’t?

There is no microchip to remove from my skull. There is no way to untangle myself from Mormonism. My parents met because of Mormonism. They wouldn’t have chosen each other if not for Mormonism. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for Mormonism. To be honest, I don’t want to know what my life would look like without it.

I was raised by Mormon people. Mormon people taught me how to make love palpable and tangible. Love was something you could touch and taste and smell. It was ding-dong ditches, chocolate chip cookies, linger-longers, helping people pack boxes, sending cards, preschool co-ops, receiving hot meals when my siblings were born, singing camp songs, and visits. It was a warm security that wrapped around my childhood and adolescence. Mormonism provided me with a study stream of caring adults in my life from a young age. When I was 6 years old, my primary teacher had twinkly eyes, wrinkled hands, and a soft voice. She always gave us neon yellow gum after class. I remember watching her pop the neon yellow gum tablets out of the plastic package, hearing it click and watching them fall into her small hands. As I grew older, she would often stop me when she saw me and take my hand and ask me how I was doing. Her complete attention was always on me in those moments. She cared in a way that couldn’t be pretended.

Nonetheless, in seminary, a thought sometimes came into my mind, “Don’t run back into the burning building.” It was a line that I had written in a poem. Perhaps, it was a revelation. The burning building was tall, spacious, and had many rooms. One of those rooms had halls with burlap walls. It was acutely painful. I spent one lesson on “the attack on the family” digging my fingernails into my palm and pulsing. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t even out to myself at the time.

Mormonism is a muse and scourge for me. I don’t know if my conviction to wrestle with it says more about Mormonism or me. There are no tidy boxes or clean lines. No “the church is perfect, the people aren’t.” No “the gospel is true, the church isn’t.” I have qualms about and tenderness for the institution, theology, and people. None of them are perfect. The institution is generous and malevolent in turns. The theology is simultaneously full and empty. The people are charitable and cruel. Learning how to hold beauty and loss at the same time, even in the same hand, is necessary.

Last Sunday, a small pink-faced baby girl was blessed in sacrament meeting. I felt the hush come over the room. I’ve seen people brush away tears and hold their children closer after a blessing many times. I mostly felt sadness this time. It made me ache to see the men go up and the women stay sitting. The men smiled at each other. I watched a woman fold her daughter’s little arms. I can’t shake the ache from hearing a father give his daughter a name “by which she will be known on the records of the church.” This church will hurt her in ways she may never understand. I’ve witnessed far too many Mormon women unknowingly hurt themselves, each other, and their daughters. When I was 14, I asked my mother why her shoulders always seemed slightly hunched over. She said, “I’ve never wanted to come off like I was flaunting my body or trying to tempt anyone.” Patriarchy takes a toll we can see, but not always calculate. Sometimes, we cannot even see it. Many women around me sat through that baby blessing soaking in the love and power of that moment. I used to only see that. I still see it, but I see much more too.

I don’t know how to bridge the gap between the people I used to be and who I am now. I used to hear only love and power in the prophet’s words, “We need women who can speak out.” It’s hard to trust now. I trust myself more than ever before. I don’t regret it. However, I also feel farther away from the people I share the pew with than ever before. In bridging this gap, I believe the place to start is extending compassion to who I was when I didn’t see what I see now. It’s not a matter of “acknowledging” or “making peace with it.” It’s a matter of connection. There’s a connection between who I was and who I am now. There’s a connection between who I was and who those around me are now. Perhaps most importantly, there’s a connection between who I am and who those around me are. Uncovering this connection is a matter of courage. It’s a matter of courage because our community has very few sanctioned ways of speaking about the majority of what is happening in our lives. When we feel abandoned by God, we wait 10 years until we can say, “10 years ago, I felt abandoned by God,” “Now I don’t.”

Lest I finish without being sufficiently Mormon, I would like to provide a definition of a word. In the words of Brené Brown, “Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor–the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”

Elle Mae is a queer Mormon feminist who believes everyone has a spark of the Divine within themselves. She is a poet, singer, and student. 

Sacred Music Sunday: There’s a Wideness in God’s Mercy

Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.

Psalm 116:5

[image error]

I had never heard this song until a few days ago when the choir director for the Exponent II retreat sent it to the choir members so we could rehearse in advance of the retreat. It made my soul sing when I heard it. I felt the truth of it immediately.

The whole song is lovely, but the verse that stands the most out to me is this one:

But we make His love too narrow
By false limits of our own;
And we magnify His strictness
With a zeal He will not own.

So often, when someone at church expresses that a particular policy, general conference address, lesson, or sacrament meeting talk falls short of God’s love and mercy, certain hardliners respond with Isaiah 55:8-9: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” They weaponize this scripture to end the discussion, basically saying that anyone who is advocating for greater mercy is fighting against an angry and harsh God.

As humans, we’re inclined toward narrow-mindedness, judgementalism, community boundary policing, and ascribing our own prejudices to the Almighty. But God isn’t like that. God is love. God is grace. God is mercy. God’s ways are higher than our ways because God is kinder, more merciful, more loving, more welcoming, and more forgiving than we are. And when we draw boundaries that exclude others from our church community and proclaim that it’s God’s fault, we’re taking God’s name in vain.