Exponent II's Blog, page 194

Learning and Teaching Self-Worth

Last week, I realized that I sound like a jerk when someone asks me about my classes. Friends have been supportive and encouraging about my decision to go back to school. When asked, I usually say, “Okay,” with a pained expression on my face that says that maybe it’s not going okay.

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This is because I know it is socially-unacceptable for me to say the rest of the sentence outloud. “School is okay, but not great because my A’s aren’t very high percentages.”

As the semester has continued, I struggle to keep up, those A’s are dropping, and I started to feel bad…maybe I had made a mistake in going back to school, maybe I just can’t do this anymore, maybe I’m not smart enough to be able to handle this.

Immediately, I realized that I have always relied on my grades
to measure my self-worth; a twenty-year absence from academia didn’t change
that.

If one has the talent needed for classroom skills (and going back to school has reminded me that, indeed, there are a set of skills to be good at school, and frankly, many of them don’t translate so well to the outside world), school is relatively simple. Because of this talent, grades became, for me, a simple, easy, external indicator to measure my worthiness. For so many years, I didn’t have to work on my internal sense of self worth because the black-and-white measurement seen in a GPA, was, I believed, telling me that I was smart.

When I was more active in Church, I was hungry for these external measurements from authority figures to tell me that I was good enough. My “checklist” (scripture study, tithing, Word of Wisdom, attending the temple, accepting and fulfilling callings, etc.) was always on my mind. I went the extra mile in my callings. I counted how many people could call me and rely on me in a pinch. I made extravagant gestures of service, like making a fancy dinner for a family in the ward all afternoon, but I would also yell at my family not to touch the dinner for a ward family because I hadn’t made enough. Our family would be having hot dogs.

I was desperate to prove that I was enough. I needed my
communities to praise me, to wonder how I “did it all.” I offered advice when
people didn’t ask. I fixed problems that not everyone saw as problems. I was in
perpetual motion because I was terrified of sitting still.

This way of life would work pretty well for me until I started dropping balls I was juggling, like if it had been a while since I had been to the temple or I was given a new calling without a lot of responsibility. I saw that my checklist of being a “good Mormon” wasn’t complete; I felt like I had failed. Blank spots on my checklist told me that I wasn’t enough.

Like my less than 100%  A’s, I wouldn’t have told anyone back then
that I felt like a failure. After all, the culture in the Church told me not to
focus on perfection, that callings aren’t a measure of one’s worthiness, and
that as children of God, we keep trying and that our effort is enough.

But, somewhere in my brain, I knew that I wasn’t worth much
if I wasn’t constantly achieving, if I couldn’t use objective, external,
measurable standards…even as I was making these standards up or exaggerating
their importance.

My parents and leaders told me all the right things; they worked hard to make me feel loved by them, by God, and by Jesus Christ. So, why has it taken 42 years to fully understand that I have inherent worth just as I am, an imperfect, broken human and a child of God?

There are different ways we all measure our worthiness. While there are basic facets that will bring happiness found in the Gospel, our individual life situations are so different. Just as I have struggled with an over-reliance on external measurements to tell me my self-worth, there is someone who struggles with knowing and feeling connected to God or someone who believes they are not enough by virtue of their birth into a gender, culture, or socio-economic status.

I have been thinking about this a lot as my children head into the Children and Youth Initiative unveiled a couple weeks ago. The freedom in this program for our youth is a radical and beautiful act. The components of being youth-led, having lots of categories for development, and providing a framework which allows easy adaptability to the resources available to a ward or branch youth program, are truly inspired.

With this initiative, our leaders have shown explicit trust in this rising generation. The youth will lead this program because they know what they need for their internal sense of self-worth. We, as teachers and parents, need to be prepared to listen, learn, and adapt when our ideas of what these “Zennials” need doesn’t fit what they see that they need.

As a members of the Church, I know this internal sense of self worth is an important aspect of spiritual development; we often call this other things. We see it in our two (former) Young Women values of Divine Nature and Individual Worth. It is why we have male Church leaders praising women excessively to the point of putting us on pedestals, working to drive this point home. And, without that sense of self worth, I have doubted these male leaders’ sincerity because I didn’t feel like that praise applies to me–it couldn’t, I told myself, if they *really knew* what I was like.

Over the past couple years, I have realized that I had, practically speaking, no internal sense of my Individual Worth. It felt easier to get keep busy helping others because I didn’t like my own company. I was scared to sit in silence with myself.

It’s still a work in progress; it always will be, but for me, meditation and mindfulness have given me the space in my brain to see myself in a less judgemental way, these tools show me that I am neither “good” or “bad.” I am a complex and Divine being with ways to connect with my God, with nature, with my fellow humans. It is through these connections and stillness that I see how on my own, I am enough. Perhaps it is the still, small voice, but as I continue on this journey of seeing what I need, believing in my internal sense of worth, and feeling connected to all things, I see the words of our Church leaders in a new light; I see their sincerity when they praise women, in particular. I see their search for their internal sense of worth as well.

This is a long-winded way to say why I see so much potential in the new program for the rising generation. It will provide them (and us) with the time, space and support for a growing sense of their internal sense of self-worth, to find ways that we as individual divine children of God will learn ways progress in this life and the next. I can’t wait to see what happens in January 2020.

How do you feel and know your sense of self-worth or your Individual Worth? How do you see the two as different? How can we teach these skills to the next generation of women folx in our Church and community?

A Seat at the Table

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A photo going around the internet lately has really been on my mind.  Perhaps you’ve seen it? Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is standing at a huge table of men. This isn’t a political post, but this picture is so striking.  A lone woman in a sea of men. Old white men wearing white shirts and ties. This same table of men, who are the highest leaders of our country, could easily be a table of men that are the highest leaders of our church.  We notice immediately that Speaker Pelosi is the only female. She is pointing at the president. She is boldly calling him out. It is so unusual to see a woman admonishing men, but the reverse would not even be noteworthy.

Half of the people in our nation are female.  The elected representatives of all Americans, at the highest level, those that have a seat at the table, are all men.  Except one. At lower levels the balance is somewhat better, but at the big table, in “the room where it happens,” there is just one woman. Our elected leaders call themselves “public servants”, but how much service do you feel they do for you?

At the big table for our church, it is all men.  Without exception. At lower levels there are some women, but not many, and none with lifetime appointments.  Can you imagine this happening at any level in our church: a woman leading and teaching and correcting men?  Church leaders always refer to “church service”, and I have seen remarkable service from leaders of both genders at the local level.  At the highest levels of leadership, do you feel that service, personally?

In our government, our elected officials are meant to represent us.  There cannot be adequate, equitable representation without gender balance. Until women are included at all levels of government, especially at the big table, there won’t be good governance or leadership. Imagine that big table with equal numbers of men and women.  Equal female representation, wisdom and lived experience added to the decision making process could be world changing.

Are our church leaders meant to represent us? Unfortunately, I don’t think so.  They are meant to lead and guide us. Knowing what we need and want requires knowing us.  Until women are included at all levels of church leadership and councils there won’t be the best possible leadership.  Can you imagine a stake high council that has six women and six men?  Equal female representation, wisdom, and lived experience added to the decision making and inspiration seeking process could be church changing.

Having wives and sisters and daughters is not enough to enable men to represent, lead and guide. Having good intentions is not enough. Thinking that women are magnificent is not enough. Women need seats at the table. The big table that is in the room where it happens.

 

Family History for People of Color

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The following guest post is by Michelle Franzoni Thorley. You can follow her extraordinary work about family history, race, generational trauma, and art at @flora_familiar on Instagram.

For many years members of my church would invite or sometimes guilt people into participating in family history.  Because family history is rewarding and really you have nothing to lose, right? Well, family history for POC and mixed race people can be very difficult. There are layers of generational trauma and oppression to deal with.  

Before I get into this, let me share an experience with you. I am an _Anne of Green Gables_ super-fan. I adore the series and I have actually read everything written by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I know Lucy struggled with depression and I felt I understood many of the complex emotions expressed in Anne. We were “kindred spirits.” That was until I read “Tannis of the Flats.” This short story about a young mixed race woman named Tannis. Here is a direct quote from the book:

 “Old Auguste was black and ugly and notoriously bad-tempered…Tannis’ great-grandmother had been a Cree squaw who married a French trapper… Auguste married a woman whose mother was a French half-breed and whose father was a pure-bred Highland Scotchman. The result of this atrocious mixture was its justification.” – Tannis of the Flats

I had to face the fact that Lucy and I were not “kindred spirits” after all.  She would not have seen a mixed race person like me as a friend.

While my pretend relationship with a complete stranger was sad for me, my connections and relationships with my ancestors was even more heartbreaking.  

I have always had a difficult time connecting to my male ancestors.  They made many mistakes that have had lasting generational effects. I have always tried to connect with my female ancestors because they seemed easier. Most of my female ancestors do not have documented histories or journals, but there are a few women that do. In some of these entries I have found racist remarks similar to that of Lucy Montgomery.   

How do you think it feels to know that your ancestors would have been ashamed of your very existence? Being mixed race means you are never going to make everyone happy. You are never enough for either side.  

You may be thinking that those words came from a different time and culture and that those women didn’t really mean what they wrote. But for me, writing and doing racist things out of a racist culture is still racism. I believe that what you do and what you say is a great reflection of who you are.  

Every Dia de Los Muertos, I think about how many of my ancestors on my ofrenda would not be happy about associating with an “Indian” holiday. Maybe they are “rolling over in their graves” at the thought of my mixed race existence. But I remember them anyway. I put them on my ofrenda as a way to give them a chance to change. I take them to the temple so that they can be cleansed from the blood and sins of their racist generation. Family history can be deeply sad for POC. It’s complicated. It’s hard emotional work. For me the hard work has been worth it. I am healing old wounds so my children won’t have to, or at least we can walk through difficult subjects together. I want my children to accept and feel proud of their family story. I am passing on a more loving and accepting family for the future.  

A woman’s place is to rule

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Photo by Kobu Agency on Unsplash

During my mission in Europe, we brought an investigator to church and, after the meeting, he told us he wasn’t happy with the way our Church did things. He was disappointed that a woman had given a talk during sacrament meeting. He opened the Bible and flipped to the verses in 1 Cor. 14:34-35 (two of my least favorite verses in the Bible) where it says that women should be silent in church. My companion replied, “that’s not what that means.” If someone asked me this question today, I would say, “This was a cultural thing from the past, so it doesn’t apply to us now.” Those verses should be ignored completely.

Unfortunately, the Bible has several verses throughout it that devalue women. Because of this, Elizabeth Cady Stanton published a Woman’s Bible, which reinterpreted problematic verses like these.

Last month, I was disappointed by a paragraph in the Come, Follow Me manual. It says “The Joseph Smith translation replaces the word speak…with the word rule. This clarification suggests that Paul could have been referring to women who were trying to usurp authority in Church meetings” (139).

Ouch! When I see something like this (which tries to limit women) it feels like a punch in the gut. What is so bad about women ruling at church? First, let’s look at the definition of “rule.” It means “to control or direct; exercise dominating power, authority, or influence over; govern” (Dictionary.com).

This brings us to the question, is religious power and authority something that belongs to men? All throughout history, directing a church has usually been the man’s domain. Why? Are men more spiritual than women? Church leaders make it sound as if women are more spiritual and moral than men. They’ve also said in recent years that women have priesthood power and authority and that they need to learn how to use it (Here’s a recent example.). So if women have power and authority, and are more moral than men, then why aren’t women allowed to rule in the church?

And there are some women who do rule. We have Relief Society presidents who direct the Relief Societies in the wards. We have women at the stake level, and we have a few women at the general level. So why did the writers of the manual say that women shouldn’t rule in the church? I have no answer to this question. Telling women that God doesn’t want them to rule is assigning them a lesser role. The Family Proclamation says that husbands and wives are “equal partners” but it also contradicts that by saying that men preside.

The Church is so different from other organizations. In non-religious organizations, women do rule. Some countries are led by women. We have women in government, female CEOs, and so on. Even India (where patriarchy is way worse than in the U.S.) has had a female prime minister before. There has been great progress with women’s leadership in non-religious organizations, but some religions are so slow to make progress in gender equality. So the question remains: why is religious leadership often reserved for men?

The Church gives mixed messages to women. When I have two contradictory messages in front of me, I choose the one that makes the most sense. I choose “equal partners” over “the man presides.” But a lot of people seem to gravitate towards the belief that men preside, and they skip over (or even ignore) the equal partners part. Why do they do this? Perhaps they want to play it safe. They’re not sure which is right and so they think the lesser one is right.

Women can and should rule at Church. A woman’s place is in leadership. There is nothing wrong with women ruling. We need women who are leaders and who we (both women and men) look to as role models. Imagine if a woman conducting a sacrament meeting became a regular occurrence. Imagine if there was a female equivalent to seventies and general authorities. If women can rule in the world’s organizations, then they can rule anywhere. Why should they be absent from Church governance?

Women and men are equals and should have equal decision-making power. While some may point to gender roles and insist that men and women are equal, are the roles really equal when the decision-making is always granted to the men? The truth remains that decision-making is the rightful place of both genders. Why? Because the Church is composed of people of both genders (it’s half and half) and so it makes sense that each side should be equally represented.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton said:

“Inasmuch, then, as woman shares equally the joys and sorrows of time and eternity, is it not the height of presumption in man to propose to represent her at the ballot box and the throne of grace, to do her voting in the state, her praying in the church, and to assume the position of high priest at the family altar?”

“Conceding, then, that the responsibilities of life rest equally on man and woman, that their destiny is the same, they need the same preparation for time and eternity,” (The Solitude of Self).

I wish members would start seeing leadership in the Church as the rightful place of women, not as a place only reserved for men. The table of leadership and decision-making power is for women and men alike. This is not negotiable.

Five Years Ago I Led Ordain Women Into a Priesthood Session

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There are opinions all over the place about what we did that day, but tell me this – if it was really so wrong, then why’d God give me such a good hair day?

 

I remember a story from high school seminary (probably an urban legend, now that I think about it), about a Latter-day Saint man who shot and killed a German soldier during World War II, only to find a Book of Mormon in the dead man’s pocket afterwards. He’d unknowingly shot and killed a member of his own church, and he sat on the ground and cried.



It reminds me of this situation from five years ago. We shouldn’t be on opposite sides of any battle, because we have so much more in common than we have different. We’re all in the same church! We are women of all types of faith with a unique place in the world that no one else can ever understand the way that we do (who else wouldn’t bat an eye at the casual mention of “baptisms for the dead before school starts” other than another Latter-day Saint?). I know we see issues regarding women in the church differently, but does it really matter as much as we act like it does? Can we just put down our weapons and hug each other? I’d like to think we’d all be friends if we stood next to each other in line at Costco. 

And to Karen at The Marriott Center – thank you for being nice to me in October of 2014. I know it was weird, but you’ll always be super cool in my book. Love, Me.

 

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And here we are walking in to Priesthood session, where it was…literally no big deal. We sat and listened, said “Amen” and left, just like the rabble rousers everybody knew we’d be.

Prayers of Anger and Doubt

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Before my faith transition got intense, I tried to ignore doubt. As doubt grew, I tried to rationalize them by throwing up my hands and telling myself that I couldn’t be expected to know and understand all of the mysteries of God. When answering questions in temple recommend interviews, I tried to distance myself from doubt. I spent so much time trying to cultivate good feelings about my belief that it seemed like I had managed to crowd out doubt. Surely faith in God required that I try to defeat doubt? My certainty felt strong and comforting and true, but the whole structure contained a fragility that I could not see because I would not engage doubt. I mistook stubborn denial for stalwart testimony.

When the whole fragile structure of my belief began to crumble at a rate I had never imagined possible, I was suddenly in a place where doubt was about all that survived. Without the buffer of certainty, I heard what she had to say. Doubt told me that I did not have to throw out reason and personal experience to embrace faith. Doubt brought me into an active dialogue of faith construction, allowing me to examine new ideas and beliefs before I accepted them. Doubt’s questions drew me into conversations with God that I had not had before as I wrestled with old and new concepts of God. Doubt helped me I discovered God anew.

Prior to my faith transition, I felt that I could not be fully honest with God in prayer. I had to frame every difficult situation into a faith-promoting experience. I was not allowed to express the full range of emotions to God, as God could not handle it. I knew that I could not trust a fragile God.

These days I’m learning to trust God by communicating more honestly, even if it feels awkward. My prayers tell God that God asked too much and returned so little. I’m learning to trust God again and finding relief in this new and vulnerable relationship.

Dear God,
I was really upset when the checklist you demanded grew longer and longer and I started to realize that I would not be able to do all of the things that you were requiring. It just felt cruel. I was a bit smug when I started trying harder and harder to keep the list and follow all of the rules, but then grew desperate when I started to see it was impossible. That desperation and the gulf between expectation and belief chipped away at my self worth. I knew that I could never be worthy in this way. The desperation turned into anger and I was so angry at you, God. Why would you do this to me? Why would you do this to other people? When could I be good enough in your eyes? When would I be allowed to *feel* good enough? That was really messed up and I’m still upset about it.
Amen

Motherhood May Be Hazardous to Your Health

LDS teachings on motherhood are incomplete. Here’s what I wish I had been taught before having children.

As a struggling parent to a newborn and a toddler, I visited the home of a friend and poured out my heart about how defeated, unqualified, broken, and alone I felt as a mother. She listened with empathy and offered words of support. Her teenage daughter was listening in and quietly asked, “If it’s so bad all the time,” she mused, “why doesn’t someone tell women it’s going to be that way before they have babies? To help you prepare?”

“Oh honey,” my friend replied to her daughter and to me, “If we told you how just bad motherhood was going to be, nobody would ever do it.”

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Like other Young Women growing up in the LDS church, I was constantly taught about motherhood, often at the exclusion of other topics like education, career, and personal growth.  My friend perfectly identified the bait-and-switch I later felt about motherhood. After having infertility problems, a few miscarriages, a stillbirth, and a few children, I learned the hard way that what I had been told about motherhood in church was only one small side of motherhood, and I was severely lacking in information about the complete picture.

The lack of informed consent about motherhood can have catastrophic consequences for some women, as crucial features of child bearing and raising go unaddressed in church discourse at the expense of overemphasizing others. While some women may find many church teachings about motherhood helpful and comforting, others are troubled by the limits and inaccuracies presented.

This lopsided lens of looking at LDS motherhood can saddle women with innumerous struggles and challenges, including guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, perfectionism and frustration.

Of the hundreds of women I’ve spoken to about their concepts and beliefs about motherhood, a vast majority have internalized the remarks made by general authorities as the correct and true way to be a Mormon mother, and that any deviations from those ideals are a sign of unrighteousness or error.Church leaders regularly address women as the target demographic for their remarks, both in General and Women’s sessions of General Conference.  Over the last 20 years, male General Authorities include teachings about motherhood in nearly 60% of the talks they direct to women.  By contrast, female General Officers of the church teach women about motherhood in only 18% of talks.*

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When male general authorities emphasize motherhood so frequently, everyone hears that being a mother is a woman’s defining essence, and the main contribution she brings to the church.  This limiting view prevents leaders and members from seeing women as anything else.

In their talks to women about motherhood, church leaders’ remarks tend to fall within the same dominant categories. I identify these categories and follow with my commentary about the inherent limits represented in the teaching.  

Motherhood is every woman’s divine identity and role in life and in eternity

“Our Heavenly Father’s great plan of happiness tells you who you are and the purpose of your life. Latter-day Saint women understand that being a mother is their highest priority, their ultimate joy.” Oaks 2018

While many women look forward to raising children, it is erroneous to conclude that every woman’s core identity is her role as a mother. Motherhood is a relationship, not an identity.  Motherhood may be a piece of a woman’s life, but womanhood as an identity is larger in scope and includes many things a woman can do and be independent of her maternal status. Many women lead happy, fulfilling, and productive lives without opportunity or desire for motherhood.  All of us should see their paths as valid, not “less than ideal.”

Mothers admired for self-sacrificing, seen as virtuous for putting the needs of others before her own

“While I do not know all the Lord’s reasons for giving primary responsibility for nurturing in the family to faithful sisters, I believe it has to do with your capacity to love. It takes great love to feel the needs of someone else more than your own. “Eyring 2018

“The effectiveness of God’s plan in the lives of His children hangs to a large degree on the character, the never-ending, bone-wearying work, and the faith of righteous mothers.” Sheri Dew

Assuming or encouraging women to perpetually put aside their own needs and sacrifice for the needs of others is unhealthy and unsustainable. To expect a mother to disregard her own health to the point of weariness indicates that her support system of partners, family members, friends or ward members are falling short of providing her adequate relief or care.

Motherhood is the definition of womanhood, regardless of whether or not a woman has children

“Please note that anytime I use the word mother, I am not talking only about women who have given birth or adopted children in this life. I am speaking about all of our Heavenly Parents’ adult daughters. Every woman is a mother by virtue of her eternal divine destiny.” Nelson 2018

To quote Trudy’s post about this, “The concept of a non-mother woman is so foreign that people feel the need to find ways to reassure childless women that they’re mothers, too – because if they’re not mothers, their womanhood is called into question. Equating womanhood and motherhood has several problematic implications: It devalues the hard work and sacrifice of mothers by saying it’s just part of femaleness and not really anything they did….It devalues the hard work and sacrifice of non-mothers by saying that our actual lives are meaningless so in order to give our lives meaning, we have to pretend that we’re something we’re not. It reinforces the notion that only motherhood matters, so we have to call everything motherhood so it can matter because it doesn’t matter on its own.”

Mothers praised for assuming heavy loads of emotional labor in the home

“Often I have wondered how she kept track of our children and me. Meal preparation alone was a truly daunting task, not to mention activities such as doing the mountains of laundry our family generated every week and keeping shoes and appropriately sized clothing on the children. We all turned to her on a myriad of other issues that were important to us. And because they were important to us, they were also important to her. She was, in a word, magnificent—as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a neighbor, and as a daughter of God.” Ballard 2019

When mothers are expected or conditioned to bear the heaviest loads of emotional, physical, and mental labor for an entire household, it can negatively affect her work and health. For suggestions on how to share the emotional load in partnerships, please check out my other post about it.

A woman’s most important contribution in her lifetime is raising children, not her career or individual pursuits

“The greatest job that any woman will ever do will be in nurturing and teaching and living and encouraging and rearing her children in righteousness and truth. There is no other thing that will compare with that, regardless of what she does.” Hinckley, quoted by Oaks 2018“There is no superior career, and no amount of money, authority, or public acclaim can exceed the ultimate rewards of family. Whatever else a woman may accomplish, her moral influence is no more optimally employed than here.” Christofferson 2013

When a woman’s accomplishments in life are tied to bearing and raising children, then measured by how well her children turn out, it invalidates and minimizes her efforts and accomplishments as a whole person. It flattens her identity as one who cannot contribute to a family AND the world in meaningful ways.  Fathers don’t have to choose between making an impact on their children or making an impact on the world. Women are capable and strong enough to do and be both.

A woman’s innate nature is to nurture

“Men can and often do communicate the love of Heavenly Father and the Savior to others. But women have a special gift for it—a divine endowment. You have the capacity to sense what someone needs—andwhen he or she needs it….Your nature leads you to think of others first, to consider the effect that any course of action will have on others.” Nelson 2018

“Daughters of God know that it is the nurturing nature of women that can bring everlasting blessings, and they live to cultivate this divine attribute.”Margaret Nadauld 2000

“Women bring with them into the world a certain virtue, a divine gift that makes them adept at instilling such qualities as faith, courage, empathy, and refinement in relationships and in cultures.” Christofferson 2013

“Mothers who know are nurturers….To nurture means to cultivate, care for, and make grow. … Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home.” Julie Beck

It is erroneous to conclude that all women, by virtue of their biology, are imbued with extra-special, automatic nurturing abilities that surpass the same abilities found in men.  An affinity for nurturing is a Christ-like attribute of humankind, not a gender-specific trait. Women who develop a skill for nurturing are taught to credit that talent to their nature, not their efforts. Women who find that nurturing does not come easily may consider themselves inadequate or broken. Telling men that they’re not naturally nurturing feeds the false stereotype of toxic Mormon masculinity.

Women should marry and have children without delay in order to fulfill their part of God’s plan of Salvation

“I counsel you not to postpone having your children, being co-creators with our Father in heaven….Mothers who enjoy good health, have your children and have them early.”Ezra Taft Benson, 1987

“The average age of our Church members’ marriages has increased by more than two years, and the number of births to Church members is falling….Each of these trends works against our Father’s divine plan of salvation.” Oaks 2018

Many women have ambition to pursue education and career in their young adult years, in addition to their desires to have a family. Being taught that God’s plan of salvation for humanity depends on them having many children at a young age can cause confusion and pain, especially when women feel they must put off their own aspirations in order to have children sooner.

Women assigned guardianship of the moral rectitude of her children and the world

“In all events, a mother can exert an influence unequaled by any other person in any other relationship. By the power of her example and teaching, her sons learn to respect womanhood and to incorporate discipline and high moral standards in their own lives. Her daughters learn to cultivate their own virtue and to stand up for what is right, again and again, however unpopular. A mother’s love and high expectations lead her children to act responsibly without excuses, to be serious about education and personal development, and to make ongoing contributions to the well-being of all around them.” Christofferson 2013

“From the dawning of time, women have been blessed with a unique moral compass—the ability to distinguish right from wrong….my dear sisters, your ability to discern truth from error, to be society’s guardians of morality, is crucial in these latter days. And we depend upon you to teach others to do likewise. Let me be very clear about this: if the world loses the moral rectitude of its women, the world will never” Nelson 2019

Placing the pressure of others’ moral rectitude on the shoulders of women contradicts what LDS members believe about individual agency. Assigning women to be the guardians of morality borders on rape culture and victim blaming.

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Here are other components of motherhood that often get eclipsed in LDS teachings, but are critical for prospective mothers to know:

Motherhood may affect your Physical Health

Maternal mortality is rising in the United States, up to 23.8 deaths per 100,000 births in 2014 from 18.6 in 2000.   These numbers are even higher for Black and Native women. Physical hardships women may endure as part of motherhood might include: infertility, pregnancy loss, unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, complications in pregnancy, pre-term complications and delivery, labor and delivery, complications in recovery, and complications in breastfeeding. Awareness of possible complications, access to quality care, and adequate health insurance are all key features to helping women find success in the physical effects of childbirth.

Motherhood may affect your Mental Health

Transparent conversations about perinatal and post-partum mood disorders are critical for prospective mothers. Up to 20% of mothers may experience clinical depression and/or anxiety during or after pregnancy.  Adoptive parents also have challenging mental health situations. Partners and support networks should be vigilantly aware of helping mothers with mental health care.

Motherhood may affect your Social Health

Over half of mothers report feeling isolated or friendless after the birth of a baby. Families and church leaders can make tremendous impacts when they help mothers stay connected to their friend groups.

Motherhood may affect your Relationship Health

Studies have shown that satisfaction in marriage takes a steep decline after having children.  Partners can anticipate these changes and make intentional plans for how to keep their relationship strong after children join the family, including scheduled date nights and time to connect.  Church leaders and friends can support a couple’s relationship health by offering childcare.

Motherhood may affect your Sexual Health

Many women are disappointed to discover changes in their sexual health and desire after childbirth. It can take time after childbirth to be ready for intimacy again. Speaking candidly with trusted friends about sexual intimacy after childbirth may be beneficial to women.

Motherhood may affect your Educational Health

College students with pre-school aged children take longer to finish their degrees and are more likely to drop out than their childless peers. Supporting women to pursue their education should be of utmost priority to partners and support networks.

Motherhood may affect your Financial Health

Mothers make less money than childless women, up to $16k per year, or about a 7% wage reduction per child.  Women still do disproportionately higher amounts of unpaid work in homes. Many women without their own income do not have their own savings account or retirement funds, and are completely reliant on their partner’s income for survival.  Mothers should be able to work to support themselves if necessary, and have an investment plan for their future. Lack of financial autonomy can force women to stay in abusive marriages where divorce would be a healthier option. Partners and friends can help support mothers in making sound financial plans for her life (a man is not a plan.)

*****

My journey through motherhood has seen many transformations.  I feel happier now as a mother because I am also fulfilled in work that ignites my creativity and allows me to provide for myself.  I feel happier as a mother with a partner who shares the mental and physical load of the household, and who truly cares about my ambitions as person. I’m happier as a mother when I prioritize my mental health with therapy and healthy boundaries in relationships.  I’m glad that I’ve had mentors show me these benefits, and I wish that I had found them sooner.

A woman may be happier and better prepared when she acts in faith to pursue motherhood AND thoughtfully plans for contingencies, communicates her needs with partners and health care providers, establishes much needed support networks, and consents of her own free will and choice to raise children on the timetable she chooses. We owe it to the women of the world and the girls of the church to empower them with this informed preparation. If systems, institutions, or church leaders are unable to provide this type of support to prospective mothers, they should reevaluate why they teach women how to be mothers in the first place.

_____

*Ziff from ZD helped me gather this data.  We considered any talk given from 2000-2019 by a general authority, male or female, which addressed women as the target audience for the talk (in general sessions or women’s sessions), and examined the content of the talk to see if it included significant teachings to women about motherhood. Passing mentions to motherhood or references to the Family Proclamation were not included.  100% of these talks were given to audiences of women regardless of motherhood status.  In 41 talks given by men to women, teachings about motherhood are included in 23 talks. In 81 talks given by women to women, teachings about motherhood are included in 14 talks.  This is subjective, of course, but gives a pretty good picture of how often general leaders instruct women about motherhood.

It Mattereth Not? A Question about Baptism by Immersion

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Photo by Ian Schneider

It was baptism day and the tap was dry. Utilities worked sporadically in that town in the Dominican Republic. Today there was no running water and we couldn’t know when water would flow through the pipes again.

All of the missionaries in my district went back to our apartments and retrieved the vats of storage water we kept on hand. When plumbing was dry, we would use our emergency supply of stored water to clean up with sponge baths until water came again.

We walked across town to the church, two missionaries working together to heft each heavy vat, and dumped our storage water into the font. There would be no bathing—not even a sponge bath—until the water started running again.

We stared into the font glumly. It wasn’t enough.

We tried something else. We filled up the vats we had just emptied with heavy objects and placed them inside the font. It didn’t look pretty; the font appeared to be littered with trash bins. But it worked. The water level rose just enough that someone could lay down flat on the floor of the font, completely immersed

Our convert and the elder who was baptizing him started the ceremony in sitting positions. My eyes drifted to the convert’s protruding stomach. I held my breath as the elder gently pushed the convert down by his shoulders, laying him down on his back. I exhaled when even his big belly was immersed by water.

I remember how uncomfortable I was the first time I heard one of my missionary companions explain why baptism had to be by immersion.

“You have to wash all the sins away,” she told our investigator in Spanish. “Do you think you could wash away all the sins with just a little bit of water? No. You need a lot of water.”

Was the investigator buying it? I wasn’t. A baptism doesn’t literally wash away sins. Quantity of water is irrelevant. Not to mention the fact that many of the people baptized are children that we don’t doctrinally believe even have sins, yet we immerse them too. And before my mission, I had attended the temple for the first time and experienced a “washing and anointing” ceremony which was much less literal in its depiction of “washing” than immersion in a giant tub.

My companion hadn’t been through the temple yet because there were none in her country. I assume baptism by immersion was taught differently in children’s Primary where she came from. In my Primary class growing up, we were equally smug about baptism by immersion, laughing at those silly Christians from other churches who thought they could baptize people by just sprinkling water on them, but we had a different rationale to explain why: “You must baptize the same way Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist. Jesus showed us how to do it. He was fully immersed in water.”

But that logic is equally flawed. When Joseph Smith had a problem obtaining wine for the sacrament, he received a revelation: “It mattereth not what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink when ye partake of the sacrament.” (D&C 27:2) Today, even though we know that Jesus used wine, we deviate from how he did it and substitute water.

I now live in a place where the tap never runs dry, even though I am surrounded by desert. In the wealthy, consumerist society where I reside and where the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is headquartered, we rarely think about the wastefulness of running a tap for three hours to accommodate a three-minute ceremony.

I do like baptism by immersion. The ceremony is beautiful (not so much so when the person baptized lies belly up on the floor of the font, surrounded by trash bins, but in the more common, more dignified iteration of the ceremony). People disappear into the water, reminding us of spiritual and temporal death and rise out of the water looking different, reminding us of resurrection, cleanliness and a new life.

But the temple washing and anointing is also deeply beautiful and symbolic, although it has evolved even more since I was a missionary, to the point that it does not resemble a literal washing in any way at all. The baptisms performed with a light sprinkling of water by other faith communities, the very ones I was trained to disdain when I was a child, are rich with beautiful symbolism too.

I wonder if there will someday be room for flexibility in performance of the baptism ceremony to accommodate non-immersion baptisms in places where water is scarce, in times of drought, or when the person to be baptized cannot immerse themselves due to disability, illness or injury.

I wonder, if Joseph Smith had been at our baptism that day in the Dominican Republic, if he might have had a revelation: “It mattereth not if ye are immersed when ye are baptized.”

(This is my favorite song about baptism by immersion: Pray for the Fish by Randy Travis.  Enjoy!)

Women are not responsible for the world’s morality

[image error] Photo by Ben White 

On Saturday, October 5, 2019, President Nelson gave a talk at the Women’s (and girls age 8 and older) Session titled, “Spiritual Treasures,” where he explained priesthood power and covenants. He said that the heavens are just as open to women who are endowed with God’s power from their priesthood covenants as they are to men who bear the priesthood.

Let’s break this down, shall we? When President Nelson uses the term “endowed” does he mean that all women are endowed with God’s power, or only those women who have gone through the temple and received their endowments? And if it’s the latter, why are boys as young as 11 now receiving the priesthood while women have to wait until they enter the temple in adulthood? Women and girls over 8-years-old were just given the opportunity to witness baptismal ordinances while their counterparts have been able to actually perform these sacred ordinances for a century now. How are the heavens just as open to us as women with this great contradiction?

President Nelson went on to say this quote:

“Let me be very clear about this. If the world loses the
moral rectitude of its women, the world will never recover.”

Not surprisingly, I take great umbrage with this statement. First of all, using the possessive pronoun “its” implies that women belong to the world and not to themselves. Considering the patriarchal structure of the church, it’s problematic at best to continue to push the belief that women as a collective belong to something other than themselves.

Secondly, I’d like to remove myself from the narrative that as a woman I am responsible for other people’s morality, let alone the entire world. This thinking is what drives the toxic purity and modesty culture within the church, which puts the responsibility of men’s sexual thoughts and actions on the shoulders of women. When are men going to be punished for their own sins, like we say we believe in our second Article of Faith?

Thirdly, if there is any moral rectitude lost in the world right now, it comes from members who support immoral men like President trump, who lie, cheat, steal, sexually abuse, cage children and separate them from their parents, break promises (which is now leading to a genocide of the Kurds), etc., ad infinitum. Members who support leaders like this in the United States and throughout the world are contributing the moral downfall of the world.

Lastly, I believe that this quote was spoken to the women in the church because we are seen as more compassionate and more accepting of our LGBTQ loved ones and this was a reminder to us to fortify our walls against this “immorality.” When our LGBTQ Mormon children are taking their own lives because of this painful rhetoric, it is not us who is in danger of losing our morals.

Book Review: Essays on American Indian & Mormon History

[image error]Book Review: Essays on American Indian & Mormon History, edited by P. Jane Hafen & Brenden W. Resnink, published 2019 by the University of Utah Press.

I chose to review this book because I knew the content would be new to me.  I am a white middle-aged, middle class female who has lived my entire life in the eastern US.  I do not have American Indian heritage and did not attend BYU. I am not a product of Mormon pioneers.  My knowledge base, prior to reading this book was quite limited and in many cases biased, inaccurate and wrong.  I now have a lot to think about.

Essays on American Indian & Mormon History is a scholarly work, an outgrowth of a  seminar hosted by the Charles Redd Center for Western Studies at Brigham Young University in 2015.  The book’s essay decolonize the relationship between American Indians and Mormon settlers and missionaries by examining the complex, inter-related history and culture.

Essays begins with a comprehensive introduction written by the editors followed by poetry and prose, effectively bringing personal stories to the forefront of the academic essays.  The book’s essays are each written by a different author from a unique perspective. Part One consists of five essays under the collective grouping of Native Experience with the Early LDS Church, Interpretation of Mormon Scripture, and Literary Representations. Part Two includes six essays grouped under Native Mormon Experiences in the Twentieth Century.

The first essay, “The Book of Mormon as Mormon Settler Colonialism” by Elise Boxer slapped me right out of my naivety and indoctrination.   Quoting, “The use of the Book of Mormon as a historical and religious text of Lamanite identity and history on this continent erases the way Indigenous Peoples view their own creation as a people, their connection to the land, and their identity as a people.  Instead, Indigenous Peoples are made to fit into Mormon creation stories and religious belief system. The erasure of Indigenous Peoples and history by Mormon settlers is an extension of the larger American colonial project of removal and genocide of Indigenous Peoples”  (page 4).

Many tribal nations have their own Indigenous creation stories explaining how their people came into being, existing since the beginning of time and connecting them to their land. “Failing to understand a people’s connection to land makes it impossible to understand their history and culture.  When Indigenous Peoples have been depicted as immigrants to this continent, like the Book of Mormon’s depiction of Lamanites or American Indians as immigrants seeking religious refuge, the goal is to extinguish tribal tile to land” (page 10).

The essay shares creation stories from various tribal nations that I found amazing.The author urges us to make room for Indigenous voices and history even and especially  if they challenge the current master narrative.

The second essay, “Other Scriptures: Restoring Voices of Gantowisas to an Open Canon” by Thomas W. Murphy opened my eyes to sacred narratives that were present in and around the Mohawk Valley of New York in the early 1800s.  The opening paragraph notes the message in 3rd Nephi, where Jesus Christ reminds the people they have not recorded all the scripture and prophecy of their time, suggesting  to us that perhaps the LDS canon is still open. Are their other histories of Indigenous People that belong in our canon?

This is a fascinating essay that brings Indigenous narratives to center stage discussing dreams, visions, seers, prophets, sibling relationships, and the Great Peace in parallel with BOM.  The point is not to insinuate Joseph Smith copied these stories, but to explore the common ground that many seekers struggle with as they interpret their dreams and visions within the environment of their life.  

An essay from part two, “The Indian Student Placement Program and Native Direction” by Megan Stanton was illuminating.  This program began as a result of Helen John, a Navajo, who in 1947 asked permission to live in the backyard of a family so she could attend school.  The family consulted the Stake President, who contacted Spencer W Kimball. Kimball was instrumental in spearheading the program in an attempt to improve the educational opportunities for Native children while also providing missionary opportunities.  The essay explores the role the participants, their families, the host families and the church in the program that officially ended in 2000. It explains the role of the Indian Child Welfare Act, LDS Social Services and federal government. There were 70,000 students who participated.  Originally children as young as six years old participated until the age was raised to eight, and then later to high school age. Interestingly one of the graduates of the program was George P. Lee, who went on to become a Seventy. As the program was winding down, he advocated to strengthen it in order to meet the Native People’s needs. He  was ultimately excommunicated in 1989 for apostasy due to his criticism of the General Authorities in not advocating for the program. This program began during a complex period of history with economic problems and poor educational opportunities for Native Peoples. It separated children from their families for 9 months of the year and resulted in many students not feeling a part of either culture.  Many children left the program after one year, but many returned year after year. It was a nuanced situation explained well in the essay.

 Essays is heavy reading in a scholarly, academic way.  There are 73 pages of Notes in the back, followed by a 28 page bibliography. It is thoroughly researched and referenced.  I hope it finds its way into academic coursework. I read Essays slowly, essay by essay, taking time to adjust my world view.   My take away message is distilled to a few thoughts: 

If we accept the fact that there is no DNA evidence linking any specific group of people to the Book of Mormon then we cannot definitively state that any group is a descendant of Lamanites.  If no group is definitely Lamanite then all groups must be respected as authentic Indigenous People with their own history that is separate from the BOM overlay. 

Indigenous People have a story to tell that precedes colonization.  They need not be the objects of stories told about them by others, but the subjects and authors and voices of their own history.

All people have common spiritual experiences in seeking the Divine, having visions, and transcending everyday life.  When we see each other’s authority to claim such experiences as genuine we can stop hijacking their history to fit into our Mormon Master Story.

The relationship between Indigenous Peoples and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was and is a complex and nuanced association that must be unpacked thoughtfully in order to understand our interrelation.