Rachel L. Saunders's Blog, page 8

Breaking through to the Other Side

Unless I really think about all the small, seemingly insignificant (and often seemingly unconnected) actions that led to this portion of the adventure I cannot say how I got here. Honestly in trying to make sense of it, it makes little to no sense, really. But here I am on the other side. Of a lot of things but what made me see it was a piece of art I created.

I’ve had flashes of inspiration before, sure, but the problem had been action. I didn’t do anything with my flashes of inspiration when it came to art. Who was I to create the big and grandiose vision in my head? It’d never work, was what I told myself. Until finally, during a recent Critical Role episode, I did something. I started something. I trusted the process for what felt like the first time in years.

Yes, I have been drawing and creating prior to this moment since I started reviving my creativity back from the dead. But I hadn’t fully let myself go, really let the process take me where it wanted/needed to go. Trust that the vision, though it was big and beautiful wasn’t exactly what’d come out of this mess but something wholly greater just for the fact that it was realized, real and true in the world.

I broke through to the other side. Of what, I’m really not entirely sure but I know it’s the other side of something. I know that I finally became the artist I’ve always dreamed and wanted to be (also, probably have always been…). I know that I let the muse, if you will, take me for a ride. I’m just hoping I can make a repeat performance...which is thankfully a much smaller voice than it used to be.

I think I’ve mentioned that I wanted to find this place again. This place where the art doesn’t necessarily have an end point or a goal but a direction. As with life, the artwork is about the journey as much as, if not more than, the finished piece. I mean, really, no piece of mine is ever really, truly finished. Not really. I could always do more with them. But somehow I’m finding the balance between ALL the things and just-the-right-amount of things.

The process of this piece was interesting for me, I started with one idea that left out some details I’d rather not touch due to my insecurity as an artist. And then there I was in the weeds of all of those details and more besides saying what about MORE...I’m not sure where the changeover happened but I am glad that I found it and, in the process, my confidence. And not just the confidence that comes from other’s giving me compliments. No, I found the deep and true confidence of belief in myself and my own skills.

So, no, I cannot tell you how. And honestly it’s likely different for you than for me but maybe, just maybe if you work on other things in life while something percolates on the back burner you might find the moment upon you when you least suspect it. You are often your own worst critic and even finding that deep and true confidence doesn’t mean it will quit, but it quiets it just a bit more and seems to make it a little more bearable.

Do you have a skill, goal, or something that just seems stubbornly out of reach? Is there anything else that you can do something about? Maybe try that for a while instead of trying to beat that stubborn something into submission? At least that’s what worked for me, I think. I’m still a bit unclear on the details...

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

PS. This is the process video. I'll admit that I'm terrified, deep down to share. Because my ego wants it to be perfect, it's not, and because my inner critic wants hedge and show the behind the scenes process to show just how imperfect it is. But, really, I want to share it because I want others to see the process, to know that it doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. I know don't need to explain but I want to.

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/0b27e5_56d332a5c55f4e97873013bf94f51c5b/720p/mp4/file.mp4

Hedging and Getting Lost in the Weeds

I know it kinda sounds like I’m going to start a post on gardening, but no, I’m talking every time you talk about something you are proud of and excited for and you feel this incessant urge to qualify whatever it is...to qualify it with something sure to indicate just how much of a hobby it is, something that shows how you are trying your best...but you’re no expert...even when you might/could be.

Does any of this sound familiar at all? Cause it sure does for me. I find myself trying to hedge and “well, actually…” my way out of being good, just good at something I enjoy. Because I don’t do it professionally, because someone else obviously does it better, because I literally only put 10 plus years into it and that cannot be enough. All the “reasons” why I must explain all the nitty gritty behind the scenes to why I deserve only the barest amount of credit (if that, sometimes).

The world wants us to be great at things or don’t do them...or at the very least stop being so excited about them. Well, this is how it feels sometimes. I want to be happy and enjoy the things I may or may not be good at (see hedging, again). I don’t need to be great, I don’t need to be an expert. And honestly I don’t even need to be good at it. I’d just like to be able to be excited about something I enjoy even if I’m not so great at it.

I mention this bit because I want to use it to point out that it often feels like the world is looking out for perfection, not hobbies and most definitely not something you do purely for the joy of it. This weird and idiotic need to qualify what you accomplish is totally unnecessary.

I mean, why do I need to share that I used a variety of references for some art piece when the final piece is the focus and the references, traced or not, are only a small part of the greater whole? The gestalt if you will.

Why do I need to say that when I say I ran 2.6 miles the other day what I mean is that I ran most of that 2.6 miles but had to slow down and walk for a bit to catch my breath and let my calves calm down a bit?

And why do I feel the need to disabuse someone giving me a compliment on my typeset job of the fact that I’ve only recently started “officially” typesetting for an actual real publishing house...when I’ve been typesetting and designing covers for my husband’s books for the last 10 years? We technically have a publishing house, too (there I go again with the use of “technically”).

Too often I find myself stealing my own thunder, not allowing myself to actually live and honor my abilities. I say something I’m proud of to someone and when they give me a compliment/praise I am trying to tamp down my inner critic who would happily say “well, actually…”

Sure, some things may be in need of qualifications but when the qualifications are getting lost in the weeds of self doubt and depreciation it may be a good idea to assess for the truth behind the hedging. Are you trying to clarify or undermine? I’m still new to this assessment process myself and am not anywhere close to catching myself in the act 100% of the time, but I’m getting better.

All I ask is that you consider (some things I’ve mentioned before) that often something is better than nothing and done is better than perfect. Also, doing something you enjoy doesn’t need to be explained to anyone, unless you want to.

Anything you’ve been hedging and/or qualifying that really shouldn’t need it?

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

Something is Better than Nothing

A mantra I’ve come to embrace, especially as I try to live the life I want rather than the life I think I’m expected to. Everything out there has rules. Do this not that, or vice versa. Sure some of it is legit, but honestly, I’ve been finding that an unseemly amount of it is either pure bullshit or guesses. Also, we are all different people, different things will work for different people. Generally there is no one solution to every single person's potentially similar problem.

For what feels like forever I’ve lived my life looking for the rules. What’s appropriate. Every time there’s something new I’m always trying to feel out what can and can’t fly. The moment that I realized this was kind of a strange moment for me. Granted, I had the notion that I was always trying to follow rules and/or regulations but I didn’t realize how deep it went.

I was reading some Facebook post of a friend who had recently bought a cute house somewhere in the south. They were talking about all the things they were doing with the new house and property and I heard myself think, clearly for the first time, do they have permission to do all that??

And suddenly I was in the midst of this big aha moment where I was realizing that I was always, or maybe more realistically often, looking outside myself for permission to do just about anything. Even though I, as I was absolutely sure, was a grown woman with the authority to do all the things I was looking to others for permission to do.

So where does the mantra “something is better than nothing” come into this? Well, I’m so glad you asked. My previous aha moment led to me having many little moments of realization in a lot of areas of my life. A bunch of places where I wasn’t allowing myself to have permission to do it my way, the way that would inspire me to keep going. The way that would allow for me to live happier, and healthier.

So let’s take exercise, for example, I would get all gung-ho about a new workout but it would eventually peter out. More recently, I was looking at starting to lift weights but I was overwhelmed and daunted by all the (sometimes differing) rules/regulations/guidelines/recommendations. The main thing that has kept me motivated is my mantra that SOMETHING is better than NOTHING.

If I can only remember to do the thing for a few minutes when the recommendation is to do more (sometimes waaaaay more), that is a-OK. If I’m only working on it for a few minutes right before bed, that’s great! Because if I’m doing it, that’s what really matters, not necessarily how, when or where I’m doing it nor the frequency.

I mean, all of those are good things to consider but I was finding them to be restrictive rather than helpful, deterring rather than inspiring. Allowing myself to say that a 10 minute (or less) run is all I have time for and/or all I can muster has allowed me to love running again. Not pushing for what’s recommended/required by someone else's standards or rules has given me a better idea of what I am actually capable of, what I actually want to do.

And physically I’m in the best shape of my life, like ever. The last week and a half I’ve been running over a mile three times a week and lifting weights the days I don’t run. There are a lot of other factors but really living the mantra that something is better than nothing has really helped me shape up.

Can you benefit from paring down that expectation you have regarding some activity to something much more manageable and realistic? Is there something you’ve always felt you’ve wanted to do but were too overwhelmed by the recommendations? Do what you can, something is better than nothing at all!

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

PS. Here is a picture of me and (one of) my tiny 5 pound weights...yup only 5 pounds but spread over 20 reps and 5 different exercises it's what I can manage and at least I am doing it!

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

I find it interesting sometimes that we seem to always be looking to the future, not always wanting to look back. I’m not saying that looking and dreaming of the future is wrong or bad, quite the opposite but I’d also like to propose reminiscing as a worthwhile endeavor.

The past is what made us what we are today. Warts and all. Sure I’ve been (and am) embarrassed by my past, the things I’ve said, the things I’ve done. But at the end of the day I cannot say that all the little things weren’t what got me to right here and right now. We do, we learn, and hopefully we grow.

I’ve been reading through some old journals...like when I first started keeping a journal. I was eternally embarrassed by it and constantly was writing that no one must know...I don’t know that the journal was going to go around announcing itself to everyone but I was paranoid about my image...what image I had at the time, IDK. From an outside perspective on what I chose to write (anger, boys (soooo many boys, yikes!), and randomness) I see a decent progression to a better being. By writing what I was feeling I was becoming a better person.

The first half (and somewhat more) of my first official journal (it is plastered with Good Charlotte images and sooo many other embarrassing things…) is angry and really mean spirited. I am waaaay overly dramatic on about every front. But as the entries progressed I started writing more and I became much more articulate. I even became self aware, in that I note that my writing is helping me get a rein on my volatile emotional outbursts.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I’m proud of everything (or even most) I’ve read so far but I know it’s what it took for me to move forward towards where I am now. And as I’ve realized as an adult, it’s the journey and the process that is far more important than the destination. I’m still on this crazy adventure called life and I’m certain that something I’m writing now or will write in the future will become a potential embarrassment further on.

But that’s life. Also, I’ve found that I love to make fun of myself, it makes the embarrassment that much easier to manage. I think a true art is learning to laugh at yourself while at the same time you can still admire who you were.

A potentially relevant and funny gem of a quote I found recently was:

“...I’d rather clean the whole house then have to write an essay…”

I seemed to be talking about having to clean the house and joked that I’d rather write an essay before the honesty above prevailed. Even as I was writing in my journal the thought of “real” writing was so bad I’d prefer to clean a whole house...I’m glad I’ve come by better notions of what “real” writing actually is.

Anyone else keep any journals as a teenager? Still have them lying around? Anyone at all still (or have started) journaling regularly?

I can answer yes to all three, below is just over three years of my teenage thoughts. After which I think I tried to go digital...then college happened and I only started up again sporadically back in 2017. Within the last year it’s finally become a habit again, and I’ve also realized that I’ve sorely missed it.

I understand that journaling isn’t for everyone but I do highly recommend it!

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

Cultivating Boredom

Something that was so, so easy to come by when I was younger but increasingly hard to find as an adult with seemingly endless responsibilities and stressors. In a culture where there is something to do almost every minute of every day boredom has become all but invisible. I’ve touched on this previously, in part, in my post about being alone (Are YOU OK Being Alone?). Which was also a similar product of a culture where you can just pick up your phone and zone out scrolling a social media feed.

The more I root deeply back into myself the more I’ve found a need to cultivate boredom. Boredom for me sparks not just creativity but a renewed sense of excitement for the things that I like to do. Anything from art and writing to exercise.

I’m the sort of person that needs to, often, build time in to transition from one thing to the next. It’s been super annoying to me that I need this reset time and for a while I was severely short changing myself because I didn’t want to be bored, I didn’t want to be with myself, I didn’t want to not have something to do. The ideal of productivity over all else made me abandon things that were essential to my wellbeing.

And now I’m back to trying to cultivate boredom. I say trying because I’m still really, and I mean really, bad at it. But the more I try the more I find the push and drive to find that boredom and give myself that time to transition from one thing to another.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully give up multitasking or being busy sometimes but I’m trying to keep a handle on when and how I do so...times like listening to an audiobook while working or puzzling. I do think there are OK times to multitask or be busy but that also needs to mean there are OK times to be bored.

Something that I’ve been trying since I’ve been staying (mostly) off of social media is to open my journal and write when I feel the urge to pull up Facebook or Instagram and scroll endlessly. It’s a habit that I’ve yet to break completely and it was something that kept me from really, truly being bored. I get that journaling is still doing something but I find that much more meaningful and fulfilling...and it also feeds my creativity and works, often, as a transitioning activity.

What are some habits that you’d like to break? Can you find a more meaningful thing to replace it with? Maybe it can start with sitting still for five minutes, or writing something you are thankful for each day. Maybe getting out on a walk/hike in nature?

I know that these are all things that I have and continue to use. I do love getting outdoors in the beautiful greenery of Oregon, we finally got out hiking again recently. But don’t mistake me for outdoorsy; I draw the line at camping...or any long term forays outdoors without proper plumbing.

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

The Thing I Wrote that Turned into a Post about Getting Shit Done...

I feel like I don’t know how to clear my head this way anymore. It felt like words about anything and everything just flowed out. Maybe I’m not bored enough anymore, maybe it’s yet to come back to me. But I miss it, miss it a lot actually.

I keep thinking that I get such cool ideas late at night, just before falling asleep. Trouble is that by that time, especially in the summer when the hubs needs the AC on cold at night, I really, really, really don’t want to leave my warm bed. And so, I lay there, thinking about my idea(s) hoping that they will come back to me. If I am to believe Elizabeth Gilbert and what she wrote in Big Magic, ideas only stay so long as they are welcomed, as long as you are actively (in some way) working on birthing them into our reality. Maybe my ideas don’t stay because I don’t follow through, IDK. I hope they do.

I think I’ve been feeling especially glum about writing of late. I can’t follow through on journaling and I keep losing clarity nearly every time I have scheduled time for writing. It’s like that with art too, I schedule time but either I don’t honor it or I don’t have any good ideas. If I leave it to chance I will get around to it but it’s pretty stop and go...with stops lasting months sometimes.

As I write this there is an art piece that's been sitting on my art board, on my desk, for months now (you might recognize it…). All I need to do is get a layer (or two) of the fixative on it before I paint some stars. Thing is that that “simple” step has been sitting in my to do list for months. At first my excuse was the weather (it was winter in OR, really wet, and really not conducive to using a horrible and bad for you smelling fixative). Then I gave up with excuses and just forgot about it...even though it was sitting right there, on my desk, where I see it every day and most of the day because I’m working from home.

Things have a way of becoming background to everything else if they sit long enough.

But I am also afraid. Afraid that the fixative won't be good anymore. That by fixing the chalk pastel that I’ll ruin a beautiful (but unfinished) original piece.

Ugh, I’m apparently letting my fear dictate what I am and am not doing with my art again. It’s so much easier to see now that I’ve written it down. Floating in my head it can just sit there unacknowledged and safe. When it’s shown in the light of day (or, really, words) it cannot go undetected.

I think I need to promise myself that I’ll go test that fixative tonight and if it’s working get that piece of art moving onward towards its destination again.

No excuses!

Ok, I’m off to do it. I’m gonna just do it!

Aaand done. It’s funny how such simple things can take the longest to get around to because of the things surrounding it. I definitely have been missing my ability to just push ahead to get certain things done. Looks like it’s making a reappearance, at least.

Sadly I won’t finish my artwork tonight, the fixative needs to sit for at least an hour and I gave it a good fixing, so I’ll just wait til tomorrow or the weekend. Just stars to go though, I think. But it is a step in the right direction. Hopefully it won’t take months to finish the last step.

What are you avoiding because it seems more complicated than it really might be, or because you're afraid of the process/outcome? Maybe think about it? For me?? You’ve got this!

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

The House in the Cerulean Sea | T.J. Klune

***This may contain spoilers, please proceed with caution, can’t say that I didn’t warn you!***

This wasn’t an immediate favorite of mine. The beginning was a bit dark and dreary, though, to be honest, I hadn’t been sure what to expect. And I wasn’t extremely displeased with the overcast feel, I do like some darker and sometimes depressing reads. I can’t tell you why or how I managed to get past the first few chapters...a lot of me had been hoping for something a bit lighter...and maybe I somehow knew that it would become brighter. I’m not sure. I didn’t hate it but I also didn’t love the inauspicious beginnings of this novel.

But here is why I am glad I stuck around and that I didn’t put this down after about five chapters in. The story as a whole was beautifully nuanced and the characters are all multifaceted and feel real. The beginning, now that I’ve actually read the book through serves the purpose of showing the stark difference between life and truly living that life. We shouldn’t be so tied up in rules and regulations that we cannot see what is right in front of us.

Linus Baker is a case worker, he is supposed to assess whether “orphanages” for magical youths are doing their job properly. Which while seemingly a good and noble thing Mr. Baker doesn’t concern himself with what comes after he makes his recommendation. The rules and regulations stipulate that that is someone else's problem (which will always and forever be SEP shields in my mind, thanks to Hitchhikers Guide…).

And his life is rather sad but it's the best he can manage working 17 years at the same job and always following the expectations of others. But then he gets a special assignment and his whole world is turned upside down.

He is picked for this assignment because he has done the best job of making thorough reports based only on the facts, never letting himself be swayed by his feelings or heart. This is what he’s trained for, and yet, as soon as he sets foot on the island he is constantly feeling off kilter and incapable of keeping his heart outside of the report process.

The children are beings that defy his expectations. All their lives they’ve been told by society that they don’t matter, that they are monsters and that they do not belong. Linus must put aside his prejudice to truly see them and make an accurate assessment but the more he does so the more he feels for them.

Then there is the master of the house, Arthur Parnassus, with which Linus feels a deep connection. Will he still feel that as the agency he works for tries to keep his loyalty by spilling secrets that weren’t theirs to share? That is the moment he begins to question their intentions and it ends up furthering his connection to the mysterious Arthur.

“Why can’t life work whatever way we want it to? What’s the point if you only do it how others want you to?...There are moments in your life, moments when chances have to be taken. It’s scary because there is always the possibility of failure. I know that” —Zoe to Linus as he is leaving Arthur and the children behind

The ending is what moved and resonated with me. It’s also bloomed with such color and joy, especially compared to the beginning. Linus lets go of his rules, his regulations, and his entire existence to go back to the house in the Cerulean Sea because they all showed him (even Lucy, the not-so-scary child antichrist) that he had never really, truly been living until he met them. They loved him and encouraged him to live in a way that no one had before.

“‘I popped my bubble,’ he told her, needing her to understand. ‘It kept me safe, but it kept me from living…’” —Linus to Helen on his way back to Arthur and the children

Linus Baker learns that life is often only worth living when you have something to live for, the children and his love for both them and Arthur. Choosing to come back to them is the most terrifying decision he could make because there is so much room for failure, he had already failed them, in a way, by leaving when it was obvious to everyone involved that he wanted to stay, to live.

Rules, regulations, expectations, those often only take away from your ability to live life to the fullest and most joyful. I know that first hand, I was always trying to follow ALL the rules/regulations or find someone else's expectation to cling to. It wasn’t until I made that terrifying decision to live life on my terms that I understood what living truly was.

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

Introversion (Re)Discovery

Are you an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert?

I don't know about you, but I've struggled with this question many times over the years. Because, honestly, it's often difficult to be an introvert in an extremely connected and social world. I had mostly forgotten that for the majority of my childhood and schooling that I was, in fact, an introvert. Being around social gatherings, while fun if I knew a good portion of people, was quite stressful. I remember always having this running dialogue in my head consisting of rather unhelpful and often shaming thoughts. Don't do that; why did you do this; oh no, now they are looking at me...I couldn't win. Still can't, sometimes.

I was able to better embrace my introversion during my early years but as I got older the message that being social was a requirement became a heavy burden to bear. Once we moved I had a real chance to reinvent myself and reinvent myself I tried. I was still an introvert, I had a wonderful amount of alone time and I was attending a tiny private school, but I forced myself to be social and bubbly. After settling in to our new town I was greeting all the new kids at school and always excited to get together with friends. I was a whole new me...at least to the outside world. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. The world was opening up to me and I was beginning to drink the extroversion Kool-Aid.

College was an adventure. I traveled nearly across the US to attend a university where I happened to know only one other student. I once again needed to rely upon my recently acquired extrovert skills, even in my dorm room with my roommate. I had never roomed with anyone before and it was a rather large shock. Thankfully we got along well once we ironed out the kinks (and there were some stubborn ones...) The biggest extrovert lesson I remember learning in college was after realizing that my friends hadn't invited me out on a number of occasions. The subtext amounted to me marching to the beat of my own drummer. And that, to me, translated to I'm not outgoing, social or available enough.

The more this exile goes on the more I wonder how I can keep parts of it when the world goes back to "normal." I feel extremely guilty, sometimes, when I want life to be more like it has been the last year plus. I am absolutely loving my newfound time, working remotely and just being able to get some me time. Of course I want to be able to see friends, but I've also realized that I'm an introvert. Really, I've known for years but I just didn't want to accept it. Also, I couldn't really accept it, because I needed the extrovert energy just to make working onsite every week day and seeing friends work for me. But that was all under the surface. Another lie I was telling myself. I could be an extrovert, everything is fine here...how are you!?

So I plan to honor my introvert going forward. I will ease back towards "normal," but it will most definitely not be the same "normal." And that is more than OK by me. To my friends, I love you...but maybe not so close to me so frequently. A good number of friends are also rather introverted so we likely will have an understanding...after we get through the whole we get to see our friends in person!? stage of the after times.

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

PS. I read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain back in August and I found it useful to read how I as an introvert could still be a part of the world, still useful. It was a message that countered the message I got early on that extroverts seemingly rule the world. Gotta be one to get by or win at life…

PPS. I am so over giving up my current happiness for an uncertain future, I choose happiness and joy now, not as a dream of the future I may never find.

PPPS. The drawing is of Tabat, my spirit animal/guide. Those who know me well shouldn't be surprised as I am basically a cat in human form...the drawing is very recently available on my art shop here!

If Seth Had Bunny Ears | Finding Joy and Passion

Seth and bunny ears

They don’t mix well

But if there were, in fact

A time when

Seth had bunny ears

He would, in reality

Not be Seth at all

But rather he would be

A tall stranger

With the strangest ears of all

Months ago I was sorting through my poetry from high school and I found this gem. I don’t remember exactly the context but I think it was Seth, my now husband/then friend, that asked me if he gave me a prompt could I write something happy. This may have had something to do with my poetry often being pretty dark, sad and lonely and he wanted to see me write something more upbeat.

I wanted to share this this week because I’ve been down a darker, sadder path lately and it felt time for something lighter, maybe even something funny. It also feels more true to how my week has been going, in that I’ve been on a staycation and Seth and I have been hanging out at home and just existing together. We’ve even reminisced about the beginnings of our relationship. Which spoiler alert, this did play a tiny part.

We were still just friends when I wrote this but there was definite interest behind that at this point. We didn’t start dating until after I graduated from high school and just before I went off to TN for university. I count us lucky but also intentional that we stayed together for a whole year of long distance dating before we were again living in the same area. It's really a testament to the bond we’d forged. Now we’ve been married for over 10 years and it has only grown better with age.

Seth is the reason, the inspiration behind my renewed writing. If it wasn’t for his example in his science fiction and fantasy books (check those out here) I don’t know that I’d be here at this keyboard writing this post. He’s been through a lot of self-doubt but he keeps writing because it’s his passion. That is what I, too, have found in my writing.

It’s been a long time coming for me to admit that writing sparks my passion. Years of art and graphic design courses and jobs have made me loathe to admit this. But at the forefront of my hesitation and possible denial was my relationship with writing (more on that here). Up until I allowed myself to just write from the heart about my experiences with honesty, vulnerability and kindness (both for myself and others) did I understand the joy of words. And it’s been a struggle to see that writing is writing no matter what you write about.

I had (and still have) some strange ideas of what it means to be a writer. And often it was everything I was not. I’m trying to let go of the shame gremlins and gatekeeping notions that have kept me from finding my passion in the written word. I’m trying to embrace that my writing may, in fact, have a purpose but the best thing for me to do is to keep writing from my heart and soul rather than look for some sign from the universe.

Life is what you make it, and you have the power to find or hide your passion. I think something that has been extremely inspirational of late has been this idea that we should do more things for the pure joy it brings us rather than what skill/talent we bring to bear on it. We don’t need to be good at something but maybe we should have joy/passion for it.

So maybe pick up that hobby that you always wanted to make time for, take that cooking class, IDK. But if you want to do something and you simply enjoy doing it, don’t let performance or perfection get in the way! Maybe find a group of like-minded people. The main, and sometimes sole, reason that I’ve been consistently writing and posting this year has been my Word Raft group (so, so grateful for y’all).

I hope that we all can be a little bit kinder and braver in finding and doing the things that bring us joy.

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

Loving the Mess

Life is messy...it never matches what it should be, never what you want it to be and most definitely it never measures up to the ideal. Seasons come and go, sometimes before they should or long after they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Loving the mess that is life takes some doing...and some perseverance. It’s so easy to idealize what the future holds but it’s also easy to be so negative that all you end up doing is dreaming about something better but never actually doing anything to make the now better.

A couple years ago I felt like I was in a dead end job and there were most definitely dreams of escape. Yet, I was also so worn down that I couldn’t see escape in actuality. I didn’t believe that I could do it, that I was good enough to get another, somehow better, job. I was so scared and stuck...and honestly really angry, a lot. When escape finally came, it was messy and stressful. Maybe I could have stayed, maybe I could have quit when I had a new job lined up but that’s not how it worked out.

That was the first time (at least recently) that I embraced the mess. I was miserable, there was a final straw and a way out. It was my first step towards taking care of myself and letting the mess of life happen. I really, really hated it and yet, I was actually relieved and happy (between bouts of freaking the f*ck out).

Everything in life is pretty interconnected, in not embracing the chaos of life I had inadvertently, I think, created a lot of problems for myself. I ended up living in dreams and fantasies of better times and didn’t spend enough time investing in the here and now. I wasn’t able to be vulnerable with anyone, let alone myself.

Vulnerability and messiness are scary and so, so hard. Honestly, especially with those closest to you. You have the most to lose there. Right now I’m feeling super vulnerable, more sensitive, I’m crying a lot more (which, btw, still hate it, though the hate has lost some of it’s bite), I feel like I’m messing everything up because life has become so messy. Even when all the signs point to everything will be fine I still react poorly to feeling so out of control. My deepest darkest fear is that I will be abandoned by everyone that I love...and I will be the only one to blame for pushing them away, somehow.

And yet, I’m pushing through the fear and being vulnerable, being honest with myself and those I love about where I am, how I’m feeling. It hurts, but honestly I’m really the only one that keeps beating myself up over it all. I’m trying to stop the self flagellation and trying to embrace that life is messy, but it’s hard when the season is slow and you are on the melancholy train...all the damn time. Or, at least, it feels like it.

So I know this post sounds so...melancholy, but I promise that I still see the joy, the happiness. As I talked about in my last post, I have hope that the good times will come back around again, and that is not nothing. I have to remember that the mess comes with highs and lows...and to be completely honest the more I’ve embraced and tried to love the mess, the happier my highs (and lows) have been. It’s all still, just, a LOT for this recovering perfectionist.

The process is important, far more important than the destination. So I make an attempt every day to embrace the chaos and mess, to let go and live.

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

PS. These are some offsets from my succulent (with some catnip in the foreground)...it started growing up and rather scraggly just after I bought it last year and I wasn't sure what to do about it. Turns out that some forgetfulness was in order and I have now discovered, I think (and hope), that I have the watering schedule figured out. Plant parenthood has definitely taught me some about the embracing the mess. This succulent should grow in cute, tight rosettes...but because I was figuring things out that didn't happen, I nearly wanted to throw in the towel. I'm glad I didn't!