Rachel L. Saunders's Blog, page 4

Grieving with My Inner Child

It all started with an umbrella. Not necessarily a special umbrella, a purple one, though. Not some light lavender nonsense, but a good, decent purple. It was used on occasion, but mostly it was there to be of use, in case it was needed.

And where it went, it was needed, it just wouldn’t be coming back. That was the trouble, because it was mine.

I did not expect that an umbrella would be responsible for my first real attempt at grieving with and for my inner child, and really it wasn’t truly about the umbrella, it was about the things that the act of loosing it brought up for her.

Do you ever have those moments where there is a strange sense of calm numbness before the storm? Where you know that something is coming but you aren’t quite sure when or at what scale?

That is what happened when the information that a new umbrella was needed hit me.

At first it was ok. Then, wait, why? And once the why was supplied a slow tide of upset and betrayal descended. How could my umbrella have been simply given away? And not even with my permission nor by my hand. It was simply gone before I even knew it.

Rationally there was consideration that it had been raining, and raining hard. The person who received it from my kind husband probably desperately needed it. But underneath it all was the ugly, raw hurt that something of mine was given without my consent…even if I may have consented had I been there when it was given away.

I was triggered in more ways that I understood at first and I spent tearful, tense moments trying to understand it all. That is when I realized that I wasn’t the adult me, I was young again in my mind. It wasn’t truly about the umbrella. It was about what my inner child had been denied, had lost, had hurt over.

Losing things unexpectedly had been a punishment as a kid and when it was taken away it was a reminder that I’d done fucked up. I was left with that reminder and the inability to grieve the loss because it was a punishment for a wrong I’d committed. It was “right” that I’d lost the item.

Most of those things tended to come back, eventually, though it likely felt like forever to my young self.

Then there was the betrayal. At first I thought that I, adult me, felt betrayed. But when I really dug into it the answer was no. I still trusted my husband, he had done a good thing. It was the little girl I had been that didn’t like to share and was forced to do so because it was the “right” way to be.

My inner child, she felt that if anyone truly loved us that they would not have given away something that was clearly ours. So much so that I was feeling her anger, frustration, and disbelief.

So, after I talked it out, trying to consider my husband’s feelings in all of the turmoil, I went to my office, sat in my comfy chair and I sobbed. I sobbed for the hurt my inner child felt at the weight of all of the betrayal, all of the pain, all of the hurt that had built up without release over the years. I put my hand over my heart and I grieved with her. And for her. I acknowledged that what we were feeling was valid, it was ok, and that we could begin to let it go, now. We could begin to consider that what had happened in the present was ok, too. We can share things and still be ok. We don’t have to like it, and we will be ok.

It has taken many, many years to get to the place where I can differentiate between my present self and my past self. And, it is something that others can benefit from doing themselves. We are all made of many mental parts and depending on our experiences parts of us can be stuck at different points in our life or protecting us from harm…and sometimes progress. Our parts need to be validated and acknowledged for them to reintegrate. And, while I’ve done some of this work on my own, I’ve done a lot of the work (Internal Family Systems and others) with my therapist. This post is not professional advice, simply advice from someone on the journey.

And, for me, the more that I’ve pursued and connected and grieved with my inner child (and other parts of myself) the more that I’ve found new depths and passions in my creativity. I truly believe that we can best approach creativity holistically. As our minds and bodies are inextricably linked, so too is our creativity linked to both mind and body.

PS. Decided to draw my purple umbrella, since I didn't have any pictures for the post. It's been nice that I can actually decide to draw something and don't always get stuck in my head worrying about everything. I just get down to drawing and see where the art takes me. Also, I trust more and more my ability to create something out of my head, I definitely still tend to use reference images but this time I am pleased that I drew from memory, and it is actually pretty close to the real thing. That I've not actually seen in a long time since I'd not recently use the umbrella.

Finding Your Why

I’m trying something a little different, pivoting, if you will, this week.

In my journey it has been my intent to help other people, maybe most specifically other creatives, and I’ve been struggling to understand the why and the how of it.

Now, who is a creative? I’d honestly venture that anyone who has the passion, spends their time doing and/or learning any form of creation is a creative. It is not an invite-only club. You get to decide. Gatekeepers be damned.

This has often been my struggle, feeling that I am not good enough, dedicated enough, not enough to be called creative. To be called an artist or a writer.

So, you, dear reader, are creative. Whether that is a writer, an artist, a dancer, whatever it is that you have put time, energy and effort into, you are allowed to claim that title.

With the intent of helping, I’ve been sharing my story, in the way that has made sense to me. And I’ve come to realize that you, the audience, would like to be more front and center. The hero of the story. And it is not that my way of sharing has been wrong, it has simply been very me-centric, I’ve been the hero. And that is not a lie, at least in my own mind, my own world. Let’s face it we are all the heroes of our own stories.

And yet, I want to show others that you can follow your own weird. Normal is severely overrated. The messages that we are taught about who we are, what we do and the importance of following the crowd or the expected route are just that, messages that tell us who and what we are supposed to be. It takes a lot of effort to acknowledge that while it can be easier to follow the crowd it often doesn’t serve us. Especially those of us who feel different and long for more.

This understanding has only been possible with the help of finding my why, of looking into myself and looking for the reasons that I want to make art, to write, to be my weird self.

How do you find your why, you ask?

Well, I don’t know if there truly is a formula, would be nice if there were, right? There are also so many great people already out there talking about and teaching about how to find your why. I’m taking my time working through Less Bland More Brand by Eva Couto at the moment and the first prompt is about a why. There is also Luna Dietrich who has wonderful teachings on business and pleasure, some of which definitely centers on finding your why. And I encourage each of you to find many ways and positive voices with which to support your journey. I am simply one voice in many. I may be someone you resonate with and there may be others. I want you to find what works best for you!

Ask yourself why, that is the simple answer to finding your why.

And not just once, ask why to your answers a few times to see what comes out.

I know I was surprised by what came out of mine: wanting to support fellow creatives in the pursuit of their weird, showing that breaking out and going your own way can be wonderfully healing and life-giving.

A lot I’ve seen out there is about branding and business, and that is part of my goal with finding my why. But it doesn’t have to be yours. Ask yourself why you love to paint, even if it is only for you and you alone. Ask yourself why you love to write poetry even if it’s something you do for fun. Your passions and gifts are not something that you need to or have to share with anyone.

I’m here to say that looking for the whys of the positive things in your life may be like gratitude practices, in a way. They center you on why you love what you love. And, is the lighter side to a sadly necessary pursuit of why you hurt or act in ways that hurt you and/or others. Why you have the trauma you do and why you are triggered when certain things happen.

Though both will hopefully be positive pursuits to bring to bear on life. And maybe the latter will be able to lead you to the first. That has been my journey.

One last thing: the whys you find, they do not need to be perfect…ever. They will grow with you, it is ok to start with something a bit hazy and blurry around the edges.

I’d love to hear how you are finding your why, and what whys you are finding! Let me know in the comments, or message me here.

March | How It Went

How do you all feel about March, making steps, however small, towards goals?

For me it was better than February, though that is not hard in my mind. And yet I think that potentially March was a lot less visible work. I honestly don’t feel that I have a lot to show for it. And, actually, I’m not feeling overly troubled by that. Sometimes things percolate on the back burner and plans are still moving forward despite the evidence.

I think that was March for me. I did a lot of more internal work, getting myself and my mind a bit more aligned with my goals, plans, and dreams. I’m still working out the whys behind my dreams. I’m simply happy that I’ve gotten here with them.

I feel more myself the more I open up and allow for the mess and the chaos, and allow myself the small gentle structures that actually allow me to do things. I need both to do what I want to do. None of it is wrong, too much, or not enough. There is a natural cycle to life. I’ve been feeling in the depths of myself a certain sense of knowing, peace, and calm in the acceptance of the cyclical nature of my existence.

Novel Writing

For the time being I’ve kind of abandoned the beats in favor of reading Story Genius by Lisa Cron. I’m sure I’ll be back to them at some point, I simply still felt that something was missing. I couldn’t tell you if Story Genius holds ALL of the answers but I do know that it has helped me get in better touch with my protagonist, Eleanora, Elle to her friends, so far.

What I’d felt missing, I think, was the fact that your character doesn’t start the story from a neutral point, belief or worldview. While I think that Save the Cat! Writes a Novel may have touched on this fact; it was much more focused on plotting a story.

For me I think that, yes, there is a lot of importance to sitting down and making a habit of writing. But there is also the fact that I’m beginning to understand that my brain needs things a certain way before I can really get into something. Hence all my reading up on writing. I don’t think that I am a natural storyteller, and that is totally ok, from reading Story Genius it sounds far more realistic.

So not a lot of movement here, at least in writing the actual story, and it is progress nonetheless. And, who knows, maybe I’ll share a bit about my idea for the novel next month.

Artwork

Again, not a lot to show. I did the cute little comic for our friend's baby shower and I worked on my still in-progress Jedi Queen piece.

I’ve been far more focused on picking up my courage to start an art business online. Still don’t have solid plans but mentally I’m feeling ready(ish) so I’ve got some inspiration from some new friends and I decided to try out a brand building prompt collection called “Less Bland More Brand” by Eva Couto. I’m hoping it will help me solidify my vision for my business and my why. I’m very, very nervous and I’m going to try anyway!

Blog

This has been steadier this month. I’ve been more inspired and have been going in a lot of directions so there has been a lot to talk about on all fronts. That isn’t to say I didn’t struggle though, lol.

I am grateful to have this outlet, and that I’ve been able to keep it going this far. It has been my lifeline to keeping on task for my goals, even when that progress has felt or looked soooo slow.

I’m also so grateful to you all who read this part of the internet where I basically write about anything that is on my mind in hopes it will spark some interest. Though I do hope it all fits under the topic of my creative journey, as all parts of my life seem to intersect at/with my creativity.

If I can be of any support, or simply someone to talk to, I’d love to hear from you! We don’t have to talk about my blog, promise!

Reading Books (less so) Buying ALL the Books

I’ve been on a more of a nonfiction kick this month. As soon as my Barnes and Noble order came I started all three books rather simultaneously. Well, as simultaneously as one can.

This is something I’ve noticed as a habit reasserting itself. The fact that depending on my mood or state of mind I will simply need to put down a book somewhere in the reading process and pick up another one that more strikes my fancy. This is how, at this very moment, I am in the middle of five whole books. I don’t quite know when I’d quit doing it…but it’s back, as is my habit of chewing my tongue when I’m concentrating. Lucky me!

I mean, I don’t mind being in the middle of multiple books, honestly it gives me more options when I’m feeling particular about what I want to read. The hubs just gives me weird looks. He doesn’t get the appeal, or how I keep things straight. I’m not totally sure either and it seems to be working ok, somehow.

The books I finished this month:

I’m Glad My Mom Died (audio) Jennette McCurdy - I’d recommend with a cautionary note that there are a lot of subjects that she talks about that are likely triggering and heavy. The tone is matter of fact and beautifully balanced taking nothing away from the burdens of the past on the present.

Turning Darkness into Light, Marie Brennan - Read the rest of the Lady Trent Memoirs first, this is about her granddaughter and was such a fun read, I am sad that there is no more.

Moody Bitches, Julie Holland - This helped me so much in my understanding of the monthly cycle and how that affects everything in my life. Highly recommend, though your mileage may vary, as with anything, lol.

I got back to some Star Wars (Solo Command, Aaron Allston), some Star Trek (The Left Hand of Destiny, Book Two, J. G. Hertzler), and some Temeraire (Black Power War, Naomi Novik) all were good reads though not as riveting as the rest. And the hubs and I continued our way through Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series with Reaper Man (audio) where Death experiences time, and other shenanigans, and it has a very touching theme.

Letting Go of the "Comfortable" Fears

How do you all release your fears and find the whys of your dreams? Asking for a friend...

I’m finding it especially hard to let go of certain fears. Even naming them and seeing them for what they are, unhelpful and limiting, I cannot seem to loosen my death grip on them. And it may help in acknowledging that maybe, once, they were comforting and useful to me. And in a way the inability to let go is because of comfort. I am technically more comfortable in the fear’s presence than without it. Without it is untrod ground. Unknown terrain.

There are many fears I’ve accumulated over my life thus far. Some from how I grew up with the emotional disconnect I felt and the differences that I understood in myself from others. Some from learning through many small and minute ways that I, as a woman, was not supposed to make mistakes. No, I was supposed to care for others, be calm, and nice. Have it all. Sugar and spice and everything nice, extremely light on the spice. And some, now, are combinations of everything that came before, old messages and dead coping mechanisms that keep me from pursuing my dreams.

Because these days I do have them, dreams. For a time I lived thinking that they were dead and gone. That my passions had died, or had always been dead. That’s the thing, though, there are times that I can remember having dreams and other times in which I felt so hopeless and without drive or passion. I always felt at odds with the fluctuation between states. Why couldn’t I stay in the high, but you cannot have the highs without the lows. Acceptance goes long distances here.

Recently I did an inventory of my deepest fears surrounding a creative career (an inventory process I picked up from Luna Dietrich). I was most specifically thinking about selling my art as a business and have found that many also apply to the other creative aspects of my interests. It has been interesting to see the broad categories:

Not being enough/doing enough Losing myself/free time/autonomy Making mistakes, not being perfect

Part of me is frustrated because many of the specifics of these categories have come up before and often there are periods of time that I can work around or even straight through the fear. And many other, longer, periods where I am at their mercy whether I can see them or not.

Radical acceptance is hard when you’ve been taught that different is wrong or othered. My fears are directed both at myself and my actions and I must face that I will never be perfect. I will and have made mistakes…It is just an ongoing journey of understanding, acceptance and love; and something that I seem to need to remind myself of every few months and years.

But there is also a need to let them go. As much as my brain wants to cling for dear life onto these fears I must accept them and let them go. They will fuck me over if I keep hanging onto them. Even if the thought of life without them terrifies me, it terrifies me even more to hold onto them and let them stop me from pursuing the life I’m beginning to dream for myself. I do not want to wake up when I’m older and think sadly of the dreams I had in my thirties.

I understand that dreams grow and change but I’m not going to sit around waiting for mine to change because then I may never really pursue any of them. And what would be the point then?

As they say in the story writing world I’ve been diving into the whole point of a story is not really what happens so much as what the hero needs (not wants). The story is truly the third rail of the inner dialogue and turmoil that gets them there. It is the why of it all.

I’ve explored the whys of my fears and my trauma, a lot. It is part and parcel to getting at your mental health. Exploring the whys of my dreams? That is not something I’ve really considered and something that I’m thinking will become important to manifesting my dream life. It is really squishy though and makes me feel very weird. Puts me on the spot to figure out for myself why I truly want to do certain things. And doing my best to hold space for the negative thoughts without talking myself out of dreams.

Is this why people do those dream boards? I wouldn’t know the first place to begin…and I’m going to try anyway. Though it likely will not be a dream board. I’ll figure something out, go my own weird way and find something that works for me.

PS. This is my current work that is in progress. It has taken some time to get this far because I've been focusing elsewhere (writing and self discovery) and it is a completely original concept inspired by Allana Solo, who I've drawn as a young girl before, as the Jedi Queen. She's got inspirations in her styling from the Dathomir Witches and Hapes Consortium as I've decided to interpret them. Her Nexu companion doesn't have his teeth drawn yet so they look a bit friendlier than they might otherwise... Also I'm so happy with how the hands turned out, my execution of hand drawing is improving!

The Positives of Being a Moody Bitch | Understanding My Monthly Cycle

This week I was wanting to talk about women and our monthly cycles. I’m still learning about mine and, honestly, I am frustrated that it is not talked about with more transparency. When I went on oral contraceptive birth control just as I was getting married it was considered the “best” option for preventing pregnancy. Coming from a medical family my mother was great at giving me a lot of details about the various options and efficacies of each method. And I felt quite well informed. But I was not, in fact, well informed about all of the side effects and things that shift as we age, and even that perimenopause is even a thing.

Now, over a decade later, I’ve had my tubes removed and am off of hormonal birth control. I’ve mentioned over a few posts that I’m still discovering the differences in my life in the last two years since I’ve stopped taking birth control. And what I’ve learned is that I was not taught to understand my monthly cycle. I was moody, bitchy and sometimes depressed. Looking back I never understood that it was happening on a cycle…even though I understood that my period came every month. I consider myself lucky that mine was and is rather like clockwork. And yet I still didn’t exactly get that I was moody because of the things that were going on with my hormones each month. I was simply aware that I got bitchy and overly emotional suddenly and seemingly without warning.

Why am I only now, in my thirties learning how the mysteries of the hormone cycle works each month? That I’m more likely to cry and feel depressed before my period, PMS. That I’m more likely to feel energized and social in the weeks leading up to ovulation. Why was all of this not passed along to me? As a woman I feel it is my right to understand myself this way. The more I learn as I’m adjusting to even having a hormone cycle each month the more I wish I’d learned all of this sooner. And I’m thankful to be learning, period.

I was definitely a sensitive child even before puberty hit, the monthly cycle amplified that seemingly 1000 fold. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t control myself and that it would happen so explosively and unexpectedly. Part of it, I’m learning, may have some to do with trauma and/or neurodivergence but my cycle is still an important integral part of that understanding.

This help in understanding my cycle has been radical. I was stuck in my old thinking that I was crazy, weird, and broken. That I shouldn’t be feeling what I was feeling, whatever it was. Often because it was just so big and in many ways unprompted or unexpected. And, as a woman, I’m learning that I cannot remove or discount my emotions, hormones, or stage of my cycle in dealing with the ins and outs of daily life. Everything in my life is affected by my cycle.

What a relief to know that I am not alone. Nor am I broken or too emotional. Though some of that relief and acceptance comes from other avenues I’m researching and learning as well there is absolutely nothing that doesn’t also interact with the hormonal cycle that makes me a woman.

And the biggest gift of this growing understanding, is the fact that there are positives. My point of view from puberty and teen years often settled on the perceived negatives. The bitchiness, the crying, the yo-yo-ing between happy and sad and not feeling as if I could pick an emotion and stay with it. The sudden irritability that came out of nowhere, wreaked havoc and then left me feeling spent, tired, and so ashamed that I couldn’t bear to be seen for a while. The glimmers were never acknowledged because they felt far outweighed by the fact that I wasn’t acting nice, controlled, or calmly for part of the month.

Coming off of birth control was a ride, and one that while a choice I made intentionally and happily, I still have my old perceptions to contend with. I’m working my way slowly towards a better, more holistic approach to life. And for me, as a woman, that includes what happens during my cycle. Learning what is happening, why it is happening, and figuring out how to work with it rather than pretending I should live life by some other playbook.

I’ve been reading Moody Bitches by Julie Holland which has been helpful in getting a better idea of what is going on each month, what things I may expect as I age and, unexpectedly, understanding my mother a bit better. Some of it can feel like an info dump of medical/scientific terms…there are a lot of those to keep track of and in some cases I’ve wanted more personal experience stories. That is how I connect best to a lot of information. It is still good information and though I’ve not quite finished the book I would recommend it.

Gentle Schedule 2.0 | Organized Chaos

I finally did a mini art project today that made me feel happy, proud, and like I’m finding my art spontaneity again. Back a number of years, sporadically, before, during and a small chunk after college, I would make little art projects from whatever tools and materials I had on hand. Often this was for a card or gift. Something personal and handmade. Somewhere I stopped making that happen. I lost my joy as I lost my creative spark.

It was also an instance where I shoved my perfectionist aside extremely successfully and simply created something. It was awesome.

Some friends are having a baby shower and one of the participation options was to come up with a phrase that followed the pattern of When the little girl went to the _______, she _______. The directive was to add some art to go along with your chosen phrase. Since I’m the more artistic of the two of us I asked the hubs to come up with the text and I’d draw it. Here’s his concoction: When the little girl went to the moon, she planted a tree.

That was at least a week ago and I’ve been percolating on what I could draw to go with that. Mostly I’ve let the ideas simmer a bit on the back burner until today when they were ready to move into action. It is strange the way ideas can simply nest in your brain until they suddenly emerge into full bloom. I couldn’t tell you where the idea to make it a mini comic came from, it was just there one day as it made brief forays to the forefront of my mind.

Today I only set out to sketch it, thinking I would need a few sketches before I was happy with the outcome. Turns out, nope, I did it in one. I’d figured I’d sketch in my sketch book then do the final sketch on the provided paper. And my problem solver was on task as when I realized I was pleased with my first sketch I dug out my clear plastic box with a push light, my cheap, cobbled together version of a light table (hey, don’t knock it, it works like a charm and is loads cheaper!) and decided to trace so I didn’t have to sketch it freehand again.

I was so in the zone that I was inking and then coloring it before I knew it and after dinner today I finished it!

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I am beyond proud of myself, I finished it with days to spare. Often I’m a cut to the wire kinda woman, especially things that aren’t in the same space of importance as work for my day job or similarly important tasks like, previously, school. 

This, I think, is the power of making a plan that works for me. I’ve been tinkering with my gentle schedule because what I’d started with was a good basis but it was still too much…and not clear enough, either. In my school days I had day/week planners, I loved my planners. But there has been part of my adult self that simply could not fathom that I liked to be organized because, for a time that has been the antithesis of what I’ve needed. And, yet, it is coming back and I’m learning to embrace it in a healthy way. In a way that still leaves room for the mess.

This last weekend I got myself a planner. A real life paper one. For a few reasons I figure this will work better than what I’d been using: the week schedule sheet of the digital novel planner. 

First, nearly every time I get on a digital device with internet access I am distracted. I blink sometimes and I’ve been down some rabbit hole somewhere for longer than I’d like to admit and I have to remind myself why I picked up the device in the first place. Digital planners, I wish that they worked for me, but alas, that is a big nope.

Second, actually writing down what I intend to do allows me to remember it better. It seems to set the intentions more solidly in my brain.

Third, it allows me to better visualize and organize my brain to get a week planned out loosely in advance, with room for changes along the way, of course. It weirdly doesn’t feel so locked in or as stressful as having a standing weekly schedule that is the same week to week. Getting to plan my time out week by week feels manageable and can be adjusted and assessed because each week I am starting with a blank template. Though I can reference the last week as needed.

There is something truly disconcerting about my weeks being exactly the same week in and week out. I’m under no illusions that my weeks will be extremely different going week by week but it does allow me the illusion of, weirdly, acceptable change. Who knew? I’ll take it though since that means I’m not completely incapable of dealing with/wanting change!

February | How It Went

How are all y’all doing now that February ran past?

Again, and even more so than January, the month went quickly. Blink and you miss it. February seems to be my nemesis, or at least this year. It started great, I got a lot done but then as the month closed I could not make myself do anything related to art or writing. It was suddenly like everything was no…except reading and gaming…and what was especially doable? Mindless, or even not so mindless, scrolling of the internet or social media.

Writing this post is cutting it close, it is Saturday night and I’m feeling really belligerent about even writing this. What would I rather be doing? Researching neurodivergent stuff. I am obsessed at the moment. Trying to just go with it, enjoy the ride, and yet I feel like I am failing at other parts of my life because they are not getting tended to “appropriately.”

In some ways I simply can’t do them right now. I really couldn’t tell you why, my brain just decided that we wouldn’t be doing those things. I think partly I am frozen. I tend to freeze rather than fight or flight when it comes to this kind of stress. I get lost in indecision so I disengage in small ways. Try to run away from what is being triggered.

As I ruminate I wonder if I am being triggered by the fact that my life is so much messier than it used to be. The nice thing about this is that I can allow myself to relax more, enjoy the ride, when I’m able. The downside is still the trauma of perfectionism that keeps getting triggered and making me anxious (on top of the seasonal shift anxiety when the days can’t decide whether spring is coming or not, oh Oregon!).

It also seems to be part of reevaluating my life, my whole existence, in the lens of neurodivergent traits. I’m not really going for diagnosis of any sort but I want to, need to, honestly, understand a lot more about how neurodivergent brains work because the glimpses I’ve gotten have made me feel seen. Add to that that I am ready, again, to work with my therapist on healing my brain and body from trauma that I didn’t really see before as trauma or maybe even PTSD or CPTSD. The labels are not as important as the healing, though the labels can and do help.

I think it’s been hard to admit to myself how much I’ve changed getting off of my birth control. Sometimes I’ve felt like a completely different person. Habits I thought I simply grew out of have cropped back up again and how I exist in the world feels more nuanced and mysterious. Especially not having really dealt with many such things for a decade.

But I digress from how February actually went in my goal categories!

Novel Writing

I managed to finish reading Save the Cat! Writes a Novel and I started making an outline using the beat sheet I learned all about in my reading. It is going, slowly. I grew a bit overwhelmed by World Anvil. It is so great but I think that I get a bit stressed with how there is just soooo much to it. I may use pieces of it but I’ve been testing another online option called Campfire Write which I’m finding works far better for how my brain seems to want to do things.

Other than that not much has happened…

Artwork

I nearly successfully made a piece a week this month but I kinda slowed down when I got to that cute Cattapus. I don’t know, I will likely need to set that aside, maybe I won’t finish it for a while, or not at all. It is hard to say but I think something I’ve had to, and am still trying to, come to terms with is that a) I don’t need to finish every project (gotta hold my little completionist back, she fights me hard on this point…) and b) if it isn’t flowing I shouldn’t force myself to do the thing. At least not so hard that I lose my mellow.

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So much of my life has felt a lot like forcing myself to do the thing, for a variety of reasons, many not my own. It is a hard habit to break.

Blog

This, too, has cooled a bit in excitement. Probably has a lot to do with seasonal moodiness but hey, I’m here writing this. I think, but do NOT quote me, I may write more about both my neurodivergent research and how that is affecting both me and my perceptions about my childhood and life.

I learn again, and again, and again, that writing is an important part of my getting shit done process. I journal, and that helps, but somehow when I write for “other people” even if it never sees the light of day, it is different. I wonder if that has to do with needing to externally process. If I journal it is simply an extension of my mind but if I twist it and think like I’m talking to someone it helps me process and move forward. It helps things make sense in a new way.

Reading Books (still) AKA Buying ALL the Books

In this, at least, I’ve excelled. Maybe too much, lol. I’ve finished my first edifying read this year and am not sure what will come next. I have so many choices! Then there are my pending buys of books about my new obsession…because I must buy them and not just buy them but they must be physical books.

I kid you not, I was legit a massive ball of indecision and tears over the fact that my brain simply decided that nothing but a physical book with pages would do. That is expensive! And some of the books are so new they don’t have much presence on used book sites.

All joking aside though, money is a stressor for me (as I’m sure it is for many people). I often feel that I’m not supposed to or don’t deserve to spend money on myself. Even if I need something it can be very hard for me to buy it. There is often a period of time in which I must prepare myself for purchases.

Lastly, but never least, the hubs got me a nice set of Robin Hobb books for our anniversary (12 good-weird years!) which I rather immediately dived into and finished the Liveship Traders series. They are hefty books, about 900 pages a book. I loved the series and definitely recommend it!

Gotta Wake Up and Move It, Move It

What are you struggling with that you know you and/or your body need to do as springtime is rapidly approaching?

Something I’m still learning becomes very clear about this time of year. As spring is coming up and the days are getting steadily brighter I begin to feel anxious. It starts small and then keeps me from sleeping well. And in the exhaustion I must make myself move. Like get up off my butt and dance. Or get a good run in. I just need to get moving, and something far more active than a simple walk to the mailbox down the street and back.

And, honestly, I hate it. I know it will make me feel good, and I will eventually actually enjoy having done the work. But the first few times I manage to do a Zumba video or get out the door and run, I’m wishing I could simply curl back up and stay cozy in hibernation mode.

I think the dislike, at least initially, is that I was doing something that had been working…and then it wasn’t anymore. I’m not good at change and even if I know what needs doing, as I’ve begun to learn, I still don’t like the transition.

Transitions are messy and I’m still not used to having seasonal transitions that affect my life. Maybe I never truly will be.

Even as I fight against the realization and the sense of it I know that being human means that my physical body is influenced by the world outside. In many ways. I am not a scientist or doctor so I couldn’t tell you why or how my body was immune, or seemingly so, for so many years while I was on birth control but yikes, the differences are sometimes rather stark. I want to hibernate in the winter and apparently need to make myself move and wake up with the imminence of spring.

Why is that so hard? I really don’t know. I hope that trying to work more with my physical reality will be useful. Having a game plan for what I should expect of myself throughout the different seasons of both the year and my cycle throughout each month. I shouldn’t lie to myself that this isn’t my reality. I’m living it and should plan accordingly.

The biggest problem, at times, is that my past has educated me in the way that things “should” be and I’ve struggled to conform. And yet, in a lot of ways I’ve done so and masked what I want with what I’ve been taught I should want.

I’ve made many strides towards finding myself and the things that I want in my life but there are still ways in which I struggle to properly prepare myself. It is so easy to regress, to expect others to make my decisions. That was the safe part of being a kid, and sometimes the unsafe thing, too.

The largest hurdle to making gentle plans and structures that stick is trusting myself. I spend so much energy at times worrying that I’m not doing the things that I set out to do when I should be listening to myself and trusting that I can make the call and do the things. More listening and less micromanaging myself. Less struggle to overcome my natural instincts and more doing the things my body needs me to do.

So I’m going to get out there and wiggle, dance or run, whatever the hell makes me and my body happy, thank you very much! The bonus is that I work from home so I don’t have to deal with funny looks if I need to get up and move. Honestly that is one of the best parts of working from home now that I’m learning to listen to myself better. I’ve always felt so tense in public spaces, like I’m not supposed to make random movements with my body because they were commented on or called out as weird or even shameful.

I’m also beginning to suspect that I have some neurodivergent tendencies. But that is something I’m still researching and reading about. I don’t really need anything official, it is simply nice to feel seen in ways I never thought I would be. It has been super healing, y’all.

PS. This week I've not finished any art and that is ok. This little cattapus has been slow going, not because it's hard work but because I'm allowing myself space for what I'm needing...and its apparently not so much drawing/painting at the moment, oh well. I'm also realizing that he really looks the part, in this WIP stage, to be paired with this post. He looks so tired, or baked as a friend commented on Facebook, lol.

The Art and Adventure of Self Care

Oh the art of self care, sometimes I wish it were easier to take care of oneself. Lately I’ve been struggling with it in small ways. A little thing I missed here or there and later I’m a wreck because the absences pile up. The simple fact that the season shift affects me so much more these days is still a struggle to make sense of after years of soldiering on nearly oblivious.

And what I need seems to shift from day to day and week to week and drastically from month to month and season to season. I’ve been off of my birth control for over two years now and I’m still making sense of the ebb and flow of how the seasons really do affect me and my moods.

Last year was the first time that I really noticed that I wasn’t able to just keep doing what I’d been doing when the seasons began to shift in earnest. About when the days become shorter and then longer are the times I most feel the lethargy, sometimes hopelessly so.

This month, February, seems to be my nemesis in finding a rhythm with my goals. I make all these grand plans, I’m excited to see how my life will grow and change. And it does in some ways regardless of how well I keep to my grand plans but I want to find a way to make room for all the things I think about doing and then tend to forget after a few weeks or months. I want to make habits out of art and writing. I want my life to be full of creativity and beauty.

With room for ALL the feels, the light-hearted and the heavy-hearted. No feelings should feel wrong and there needs to be space for it all. I know that a life of beauty has its struggles too.

That is where self care comes in, especially the hard, uncomfortable brand of self care. The kind where you insist upon yourself to do the things you know will be good for you even when you don’t feel like it. Because you know that it is self care to keep up with your writing and or art practice. Or, really the simple things of hydration or listening to your body.

Sure maybe the quantity or quality of art and writing will slow but that isn’t the issue. We are not meant to be productive every moment of every day. And we don’t even have to be good at it either. We simply need to do the things that both bring us joy and, when the joy slumbers, the things that will bring us joy to have done. Sometimes those things can be the same things, sometimes not.

Resting is as much self care as anything else. And I’ve been needing a lot more than I’d like to admit this month. My gentle schedule is stretched but it is holding. It can be the hardest thing to sit down and rest when your brain is whispering haunting things about how you’ll not get anywhere if you sit around all day.

But what does it know? I mean, really, I get that it can be trying to “protect” me, but from what? And why? I’m tired and I need to rest but our society and culture tell me that I must carry on, only rest when I’ve finished. But finished what? There is always something else, where will it end?

This last weekend I got roped into believing that I didn’t need to rest, that I could push my way through a lot of extra activities and then be totally fine getting back into work on Monday. I was wrong and I didn’t allow myself to feel or process it well either.

I’m still learning what my self care should look like. When I’ve gone out and seen the people there needs to be a plan of action for helping myself acclimate and process all that happened. Both as an introvert and an empath I’ve begun to find this extremely important…and I often still forget because it doesn’t come naturally.

Self care is really an art, it doesn’t always look the same and it must adapt to a myriad of situations. It comes in all shapes, sizes and crazy colors. No one’s self care will look the same, and that is ok. Mine often comes in the form of reading, or processing my feels out loud.

But sometimes it is also journaling. Journaling is something that I try to do every day, it keeps me grounded in my own mind especially on days when I take trips to other people's thoughts and emotions when I see them in proximity. I’m still working on how my abundant empathetic nature works and how to still be me when I feel the feelings of those around me. And learning that when someone doesn’t emote the same way that I do, big, loud and out loud (I have a hard time hiding any of my feels) that doesn't mean that I’m too much, or that I’m at fault.

Really, at the end of the day, self care is the adventure of becoming unapologetically you, and allowing for our rest and relaxation to become as important as our productivity and our care of the other wonderful beings in our lives. You deserve to take care of yourself, in what ways make sense and work for you.

PS. This is the piece that I've been excited to share, I finally posted it on the socials this last week. It's been a favorite prompt and my favorite piece I've created to date. This dryad in springtime is stunningly beautiful and a wonderful example of what beautiful, joyous creativity can bring. I think this new blending of styles, of the line-heavy and the semi-realistic I've dabbled in, has been the answer I've been seeking artistically. I love the linework and comic style of what I've been creating but this, now this feels alive and full of joy in a way my art hasn't in the past. I am still proud of what I've accomplished in the past and I'm excited to see where it takes me in the future.

Things Take the Time They Take

Anyone else have weird feels about time? The management and/or scarcity thereof?

Time is a valuable commodity. This I know. And while I do try to allow for the idle moments of reading and lurking on the socials, I also feel such pressure to make every moment count. Somehow. In the past the notion has made me so stressed that I’d rather freeze and forget that the world existed for a while. These days I try to see the bigger picture of the rhythm of things. Some things are fast, some are slow and some are *shrug* fuck-if-I-know. Things will take what they will take.

It is all good and well to believe such…and another entirely to practice. 

I’ve been an artist most of my life, art does in many ways come naturally to me. I have much practice at seeing something with an artist’s eye and replicating it. I’m seeing my skills growing exponentially since I started into digital art and healing my creativity. It has been wonderful to see myself grow and blossom. But art has always come more easily than words, at least story words.

The time it is taking me to go about writing similar to the way I create art feels too big, too much. In working to understand the way of things before diving in, of playing with the words, even if it is only in my mind and not on paper (real or virtual) I’ve felt stuck. Like I’m not moving forward in the way I should. Or even in the way I want to. So much of me wants to be just as good at writing as I am at art and yet I know that I cannot expect that of myself. Not yet.

The rational parts of me see the time I’m putting into reading books about writing, into world building, and it celebrates. The irrational and worried parts of me see only that I’ve not written as many words as I’d wanted so far this year and that I’m really not putting in as much time as I could into the prep work either. It pushes into my mind that the time I’m spending doing other (usually fun) things in my life is wasteful and I need to spend all of my time doing more productive things.

But all that does is make the danger music play and there is nothing there that is really dangerous. Only the fact that my brain thinks that my own stressful perceptions are a threat to me. And then I cannot even pull myself together enough to make a dedicated effort because I am so tired from constantly living with my body slowly panicking for no apparent reason.

So, yeah, time is important but the pressure to do something shouldn’t take precedence over taking the time it takes to do whatever it is. Rationally I know that writing will take some time. Writing was something that I gave up, and in some ways felt stolen from me as a kid. 

I loved to write silly, possibly nonsensical stories about my siblings, friends and I’s adventures in the woods surrounding my childhood home. But then my life changed drastically when my father left, and further still when school really started to demand things from us kids. The carefree days of life were over and more rules entered my life, more ways in which I worried whether I was doing it right…and honestly knowing I’d never win, deep down.

Writing the story I want to write will take the time it will take. I am diligently trying to learn what my writing process is and the finer points of writing a good story. And that will have to be good enough for now. Healing my creativity has come a long way and I see writing as the next step in this crazy fun adventure. It may not all be fun and games but I’m learning and I’m trying to believe that that is enough. That I am enough and that I am doing the best that I can. What matters is that I’m doing something and moving towards the goal. However small the steps may be or feel.

Time will keep moving forward and that still doesn’t leave me without the time I will need to do the writing (or prep) I need to do. At least that is what I am working on believing.

PS. I finished these cute plant creatures this last week. Based on a plant my mom brought me that I've since discovered is a Star Window plant in the Haworthia genus. Don't let their cute friend shapes fool you though because they will mess you up...