Rachel L. Saunders's Blog, page 7

The Beach (Sights) | My Random Thoughts #8

Looking I can see, see pain and sorrow, love and happiness

Waves come crashing in looking to crush those who come too close, and carry them away

Birds come and go playfully soaring in and out between one another, teasing each other and squawking when you get too close

Wind lifting up the sand, plucking it off the ground taking it some where new and different

People walking down the beach, talking, forgetting to look at the beauty around them, taking no time, thinking no thoughts of the beach and it’s silent grace

My hand writing these words, my thoughts wondering where then came from, why and how did these creative, beautiful words come about, I haven’t a clue

Children running around like little terrors, oh so cute but oh so trouble some, I love to watch them play, forming sand castles with surprising patience

Clouds scuttle across the sky looking for a place to deposit it’s heavy load of water, like tears running down my face they flow down out of the sky, cleansing and pure

Paintings on rocks, intricate and exquisite, but marring the beauty of nature for all, all but the artists, true artist for they will see that is truly is art, a part of nature

Except, true artists are few and hard to come by so the painting will forever mar the rocks natural beauty

But looking I can see, see my beautiful world, see pain and sorrow, love and happiness, and I am content

Commentary

It’s time for more high school poetry from yours truly...to be clear, that’s me, I’m the one who wrote this...masterpiece?! And look, another crab in this piece!

I think, what stood out to me most starkly as I typed this out was a) there are soooo many typos and strange breaks where it should be a single word, not sure what I was thinking; and b) that line about children should serve as an early proof that I was not meant to be a mother and maybe, deep down, I knew it.

Again, I am struck by the audacity of my words (was I considering myself a true artist?), the beauty of them and the depth they seem to have while also seeming so surface level and trite. I mean, I feel, now, that if I was to rework this I’d not beat the point too hard. A lot of things can be said with fewer words and have more meaning in the saying.

I also see the threads of the assignment that this was in the “I’m just going to get this done and over with” vibes in the way that I structured the poem. It’s a rambling pile of poetry lines that fit together in that they all loosely pertain to the beach and where I was sitting and where my mind went seeing those things.

There is this habit I have of writing something through once and never looking back. I think I’m a bit better about it these days. I do go back and edit, rearrange and do a fair amount of the things I thought I’d never do with writing. I had no interest in editing and it shows in this poem more than the rest, I think.

All errors and opinions aside, the poem does bring memories of the beach, which I love. I think I can almost remember the exact spot I was sitting on the beach as I wrote some of these words. The remembrance of heading down to the beach as for class and getting that “skipping class” vibe is a fond one.

There are many things I love about being an adult, finding myself for reals being chief among them but I do miss the simpleness of the days before. The days when my worst worries were seemingly about clothes, friends, and boys.

Words can contain multitudes, especially your own, and it’s hard to become too harsh towards them when they offer far more than what’s on the surface.

The Way is NOT Shut

Having a different perspective, now, I’ve noticed that for a long time the way was shut for me. And it was sealed tight. I often thought that it was something outside myself that was shutting the way, and sometimes it was, but what I’m finding, looking back, is that it was most often me that was shutting my way.

The pursuit of certain things was outside of my ability because I thought it so. The thought of change, of challenge, while I sometimes wanted it, desperately at times, terrified me. And in that terror I saw the way closed. I was not taught to dream. I was taught to be realistic, and realism meant that there would only be so much that I was able and/or allowed to do with my life.

Creativity requires the way to be open, the mind willing and the spirit strong. Doing isn’t for the faint of heart, it requires much of the doer and much challenge to overcome. And realism said that those things were unsafe and unrealistic.

So, in my pursuit of happiness I’ve found that the way is not shut, not really. I’ve just been letting fear and realism navigate for me rather than seeing that if I wanted to try/do something, I could. All I needed was to make it so.

Just because something doesn’t come out right the first time doesn’t mean that it isn’t meant to be. Just because something will take time to cultivate and/or learn doesn’t mean that it cannot be (even if it will be years in the making). Just because you don’t know how to do it doesn’t mean that you can’t do it.

These are the lessons I’m learning through the pursuit of my happiness. Creativity is absolutely necessary. Willingness to fail, fail, fail and try, try, try again is vital. Most importantly is that happiness isn’t always happy and pursuit requires challenge and change.

Fear will always, as I’ve learned, be a companion along the journey but it’s important that you don’t let it drive, you will go nowhere you want to be if fear has the wheel.

Today I have many irons in the fire, so to speak, things that I would have never thought or dreamed I’d consider and/or pursue. Many of them will not see the light of day for a long time, maybe even years but the fact that I am moving towards them is one of the most joyful and liberating things I’ve known. I’m saying yes, and?

How about you, do you find the way forward shut for seemingly weird and arbitrary reasons?

PS. Here is a boot I drew recently. It is a picture of a real and true achievement for me. I proved to myself that I could and did draw a kick-ass boot and in a front view that required foreshortening, no less. I will say this proudly: it’s dope! This, to me, was what had shown me that I'd inadvertently unlocked the way forward for myself. I didn’t necessarily do anything special outside of intentionally pursuing happiness and creativity, so I think you, too, can find your own way to open your way forward.

In This Together

Now there are a lot of things I’d like to think of as us all in together, the world definitely needs more empathy and togetherness. But for this, right now, it’s my husband and I in this together. This thing called life, but more specifically in the business of books and authorship.

The world of an author has much more nuance than you’d think, at least how I thought about it before we were on this wild crazy ride together. Seth has never been alone, per se, in his journey as an author, but perceived reality and felt reality can be very different things.

While I’ve been able to support him with cover and interior designs alongside the sheer amount of love and belief I have in him I didn’t feel like I could help in every area needed. I wanted to do more, to help more, but there was a lot of separate personal growth we both needed to do first.

So, now we are actively working towards a place of mutual support, knowing how to ask, and better how to support one another. We are in this business of authorship together. I may not write any of the books, nor do I want to take that credit, but it is still truly a joint effort.

Recently we started reading a book on book marketing together, and just having that conversation that he doesn’t have to do that alone, and that I can actually help, was huge. Somehow we’d gotten into a place where it was incorrectly assumed that he must go it alone; I couldn’t/didn’t know how to help.

The craziest part to me now is that it took this long to untangle, but we’ve had some very interesting and sometimes long journeys, both mutually and separately, that had to fall in place to even think about having this conversation.

And thus, I am happy to be moving forward together. We may still not have the foggiest about where to go from here, but it’s a lot less scary having someone along for the adventure.

What adventures are you a part of with your people? Do you want to be a part of something with your people?

PS. My current art project is going to be a longer term one, with multiple detailed parts...a lot more than I’ve really ever done. And why, you ask, does this have anything to do with Seth’s books? Well, I’m creating some art to go alongside them, maybe even as cover art, and I’m really excited to pursue this! But since I’m not ready to share everything just yet, here is a drawing I did a while back of my favorite character, Allie, from the current Future’s Birth series.

Mindfulness versus Limitations

It’s beginning to be pretty hilarious how a lot of the limitations I’ve set for myself are so arbitrary. I mean, why am I not allowed to explore a new software program that I have access to, for free? I could not tell you. But apparently it’s on the no-no list. God forbid I should try something new…

Anyways, I was just minding my own business, working on a bunch of stuff all at once...like you do...if you’re me and a scatterbrained artist. I was looking to edit the tail end of a music file out as I had discovered that the last few minutes, yes minutes, of it was this terrifying, make my shoulders curl in utter discomfort kind of static/noise. All this while I’m also concurrently researching for some good marketing books...and getting super distracted by totally unrelated things, like writing this.

Now, I have access to the Adobe Creative Suite...but somehow using highly professional software to fix my plebeian problem seemed inherently wrong...I know, that makes no amount of real sense once I actually thought about it.

And yet it got me thinking...after having been kickstarted by reading the mindfulness research and exercises that Gretchen Rubin talks about in The Happiness Project. Why do I just default to these weirdly specific inner “truths” I have lying around in my head so often?

The real question of why do I do some of the things I do...or, really, more truthfully, why do I not do some of the things I don’t do. For a long time I’ve wanted to do more, be more. But it was always so esoteric and undefined that I had no clue where to start. Sometimes I still feel that way but I’ve been making some real progress by being mindful.

Mindful of the things I want in life, like really want...not those things that I’m told I should like or that everyone else is doing it. It started with simply being honest with myself. An exceedingly difficult thing to do, and yet now I know that I want to write a blog, I want to continue being an artist, and, most importantly, I want to be happy.

As Gretchen says in The Happiness Project, sometimes something that makes you happy doesn’t make you feel happy all the time. It takes work to be happy. Work at being mindful of the limitations you’ve set for yourself. Maybe they were good, once upon a time. But now they stifle the forward progress you want to make.

It’s OK to reassess the rules. Sometimes they really, really, really need to be overhauled. They are outdated and need to go! It’s all a part of the journey, and you are not alone.

What weird inner “truths” do you have that are more limiting that you realized? Is it something you can shift or change? More importantly, do you want to?

PS. In other creative endeavors I’m also learning to overthrow my preconceived notions, I’m feeling much more confident in my artistic execution. I’m quite proud of the shading on this piece. Lemme introduce you to one of the player characters of our current Star Wars RPG, Mina, a bubbly, boy crazy Zeltron who is hard to not love while also leaving you, sometimes, thoroughly annoyed by their nearly indomitable spirit of 200% positivity/optimism...until your stuck in a hyperspace bubble and the world is falling apart at the seams. This is of happier times:

Being Me

In the vein of telling my story I’m needing to learn and to continue being me. On the recommendation of a new friend I started reading Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. I’m definitely a much happier person these days and, in some retrospect as I began reading, I had definitely started my own version of a happiness project. That said, I definitely do not turn my nose at reading someone else’s story. Stories are how we, how I, like to connect with the world. It’s how I tend to best understand information and processes. Hard cold data is useful, sure, but story is in our hearts and DNA.

Back to being me. Gretchen talks about one of her commandments as “being Gretchen” meaning that she needed to stay true to herself as part of her project. I love the idea of “being Rachel” as a framework for making decisions. Especially because I have a habit of defaulting to the “easy” and/or “right” answer. Not necessarily the ‘Rachel” answer.

So what does it mean to be Rachel? That is the question I am adding to my days, to my decisions. It seems silly that I hadn’t really thought of it before. At least not on this basic or straightforward of a level. But it also isn’t that simple. ‘Being Rachel” takes a lot of work, a lot of thought...but the more I work towards it the easier it actually becomes.

So, yeah, sometimes I want to watch TV, and sometimes that’s ok, but sometimes being me means I need to turn the TV off and stop browsing social media. Instead I will write, will art, will run, and...whatever other things are truly important in the pursuit of “being Rachel.”

I’m still figuring it out, and definitely (often) make missteps. But in the pursuit of happiness and self they are all part of the process and the journey. To be too afraid to make mistakes is to be too afraid of forward motion, and maybe, just maybe, success along the way.

And how will you know what being yourself means if you don’t try...and fail sometimes?

PS. Feels nice to have my art up in my office. Definitely a step in being myself!

What's Mine to Tell

Recently I’ve been thinking about my story, as in, what parts of my life are mine to tell. It can feel a bit overwhelming as everyone has so many other people in their life whose experiences blend and overlap with their own. It’s been especially weird for me coming from the background of feeling so out of touch and unable to direct my own life.

So much of myself, sometimes, it feels has been overlaid by the people that are and have been in my life that I’m not always sure where my story starts and theirs begins. How do I tell my story without telling something that is someone else’s to share? I definitely do not want to paint someone in a bad light because my experience of the events were not positive. We are all trying our best (I hope) to be the best we can be, but we are all also individuals and prone to mistakes and judgements.

I especially struggle with my childhood. It was most assuredly not anywhere near the worst, yet I have a lot to say about the things I feel were lacking in my upbringing and the religious undertones that slipped in to wreak havoc on my sense of self. I honestly do not blame the people that brought these into my life; they were likely doing only what they thought was best.

And yet, I want to speak to all that was/is lacking, the things that I’ve been seeking as an adult to feel whole and loved by self. But how do I do that without pointing the finger and seemingly saying that this situation, that environment, or this person really messed me up? Because isn’t it more nuanced than that?

This has been a huge part of my trouble writing about myself, at times, because I do not want to talk of something that I think is part of mine to tell but, in the end, isn’t. I don’t want to do it “wrong.” I know, I know, I’m trying to move away from the binary of right or wrong; there is plenty of grey area in many decisions. And, you won’t ever make everyone happy, so why not make sure that you are happy? There is no magical path that gets your through expressing an opinion where absolutely no one is unhappy or angry with you or your opinion.

This is what I keep trying to tell myself, at least. Is it working? Time will tell.

I want to feel more confident in what is mine to tell, to feel that I know my story. Not just the outside details that maybe aren’t mine to share. Or the bare facts. I want to know (and eventually share) the story. My story.

Procrastination?!

I was in fine procrastinating form today. I definitely want to get back to writing for my blog after a “soft summer” as we called it in the writing group. Really, truly I do! And yet, I’ve been procrastinating all week and most definitely all day…

To put it in a bit of perspective, we moved recently. We bought a house, a cute one perfect for just the two of us, no pets, no kids. We’ve been settling in for a few weeks now. The week before last we were able to get the car parked in the garage! Much excite!

And yet, there is still much to do. Not to mention the fact that this feels like the first house where I was fully cognizant of my permission as an adult to make my own damn decisions. I think I may have mentioned that I’ve struggled for a long time to make decisions for myself and that I’ve often looked for the permission to do simple things, things that no adult should need permission to do...

This house makes me happy, and it shows. Part of my procrastination recently involved weeding and tidying up the back yard. And those that know me well should understand the lengths I’ve gone to in the past not to do yard work. But here, I’m taking care of what’s mine. I’m really understanding the power of knowing that this house is mine.

It’s weird to me that it’s such a simple thing to adjust in my thinking, and yet it’s so powerful. Ownership is a powerful thing; choice is a powerful thing. Understanding that I have ownership over myself and my life are the building blocks to seeing that I am actually the owner of my possessions, that are an extension of myself and my life.

I think I’ve been so afraid to really own what’s mine because I was never sure what I was allowed to do with it. Always worried that someone outside of myself would come along to tell me that I’d been doing it “wrong” all this time. I was so afraid of failure that I didn’t really live at all. I just followed the various preordained, vague paths that were laid out before me.

But no more! And thus, I have no one to blame but myself for the hours that I puzzled, finishing the 1000 piece one we had on the table. No one else to blame for the Queer Eye episodes I watched...Yup, I’m good at procrastinating!

But, to be real, I’ve done a lot of my best work by doing what I want to do first and then getting down to creating or doing whatever it is that I’ve been percolating on all day or week. Thankfully I don’t stress out so much, like I did in college when I procrastinated on papers. But I do think that I’ve made a lot of progress towards a more calm and chill approach to life.

On the other side of procrastination there is definitely a time at which you need to just sit your butt down and write. Sometimes that’s at the normal, planned time of 6pm on Wednesday or Sunday...sometimes it’s after 9pm on Sunday because you did everything but write all day long.

What I’m learning though, is that it’s OK to still be scared of living life and dreaming as long as it’s not holding me back. It’s OK to procrastinate all day or week as long as I do find the time to write something. Life is a fun, messy ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. And that is OK, more than OK, really.

Have you been procrastinating on anything?

I’m not sure that I want to see procrastination as a good or bad thing, and I’m not sure that I ever saw it as the almost “wrong” thing it was supposed to be during my school years. It’s actually been useful and, really, it being this bad or wrong thing only feeds into this idea that we are only worth our productivity...ummm, no thanks!

PS. Here is a picture of my roses which even though they are pink I absolutely love them!

Slow Down, Undo, Relax, Create

It’s been a busy summer, we bought a house, moved, and saw a bunch of friends and family. Thankfully, I’ve learned from my mistakes and have kept my socializing at a healthy level. Also, I’ve been working my creativity in fun new ways!

A while back I found myself on the other side of this creative shift, and it was wonderful...still is! Now I’ve found that I’m further able to talk myself through slowing down, un/redoing and just chilling the f*ck out while I’m creating. I’ve always understood, conceptually at least, that mistakes in art are not truly mistakes but opportunities, or, as I think Bob Ross would say, ‘happy accidents’. It’s just never felt so real or zen before.

Taking this to heart I’ve been really working on slowing down. It does NOT need to happen right this minute, it can sit for days and that’s totally OK. Taking my time is actually the framework for a better end product...also, sometimes things are going to look like sh*t for the early parts of the process but that’s all part of the creative journey. Nothing, absolutely nothing is perfect, ever. And especially not in the exploratory phase.

I learned this very well with my latest project, I had some trouble seeing what I was trying to create on paper (or, my iPad screen). As I pushed forward it began to take shape, slowly but surely. Truly I am happy to be working at defeating the time scarcity vortex because this project, again inspired by Critical Role, would have never stepped outside my head. And, if I do say so myself, it is one of my best works yet...and I’m not even done!

The Rock | My Random Thoughts Poem #7

The rock, it speaks to me, telling me of the past, of its long life span of loneliness

It tells me of ancient treasures it once hid and of feet that walked across it leaving sand in their wake

Waves crashing upon it wearing it slowly away until there is nothing left but find sand particles which wash away

Today it is but a palm size rock boasting of the size it once had, of humans who, before would scale it

A child once picked it up and took it away only to lose it and some how it found its way back to the beach where it say wearing away

Waiting, patiently waiting for someone to come, come listen to its story really listen to what it had to say about life and the wisdom you could gain

I left the rock having gained more wisdom then I ever thought possible, using its story to improve my own

And so the rock told its story giving the rightful soul wisdom beyond belief only because they stopped and listened to what it had to say

Commentary

First off, I had to stop myself from correcting the error of then vs than and all the its that likely should have been it’s. Yikes! Also, “...giving the rightful soul...” meaning myself, really, how arrogant that seems to me now to have written that line…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, though I cringe at this now I can still find the inspiration in it and the skill and bravery it had to take to write then share all of it for a school project. I don’t know that I remember how that felt. To have seemingly no fear, or at least very minor fear when it came to sharing myself with the world. I think that’s been a lot harder as an adult, for sure.

Whenever I think of this poem, in particular, I remember some issue with a friend at the time telling me that I took or commandeered one of their ideas around that time in this poem. I cannot say for sure if it was purely accidental or intentional or because we were chatting about the poetry assignment that it just kinda bled through into mine. I don’t remember. But I don’t think I can ever not feel slightly guilty about it.

I’ve learned a lot about ownership and copyright in my path as a graphic designer and creative and it sometimes feels like there is a hard line but that it can be hard, in some ways, to hold to. As I think it was Amanda Palmer says in her book The Art of Asking, what we all create comes from all the things in our lives and what we consume and experience getting put in a blender. Some people have higher settings and you could never say where exactly the inspiration came from. Others have a much lower setting and you can definitely see where it all comes from.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed yet another of my terrible teenaged poetry installments!

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter

Theory vs Practice: What is "Normal?"

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. What is “normal?” There really isn’t one normal, it’s likely very different for each person. And, right now a lot of us are thinking about getting back to normal now that the world is opening up a bit in places. The pandemic isn’t over yet but things are looking up, at least in my part of the world it seems to be.

That being said I’m having an interesting and overwhelming time with the concept of “getting back to ‘normal.’” First and foremost I want to honor my introvert, but we (my introvert and I) are both still very new at navigating in person interactions with introversion in mind.

I am just coming off of a very busy week plus of socializing in person. We had family over from both sides and some friends over at some point as well. I also had my first dining out experience since the pandemic started. Suffice to say, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and am also trying to be attentive to how my nervous system has handled all of this...the answer is maybe not as well as I’d like.

It was only at the beginning of the stay-at-home orders that I actually realized (again) that I was, in fact, an introvert. I’ve already written a bit about how it shouldn’t have surprised me as much as it did...yet here we are. Throughout the social distancing I’ve been a bit worried about balancing everything. I don’t want to return to my previous normal; honestly I know I cannot do that to myself. And yet, finding that balance is going to be tricky, I’ve got years of habit that a year-plus of hermitage won’t override.

So that is how I found myself agreeing to probably too much too soon and too quickly. To the friends and family that have come to see us, do understand that this is not me saying that you shouldn’t have come. I love you and I want to see you. This is me realizing that I need to learn to better take care of myself and listen to my nervous system when it says too much is too much.

In theory, after months of not seeing our friends and family it was easy to see a future of easing back into things and it going easily and, dare I say, perfectly. In practice, not so much. It’s messy, and I think I’ve been hiding in my books and introversion from the fact that I need to learn as much as I theorize, and practice is where that learning happens.

What I want to say is that theory vs practice will look different for every person, but my advice is to give yourself some grace. There will probably be some missteps in getting back to normal, if that is your goal, or some mistakes in trying to realize a new(new) normal. Life is messy; it will be OK. Try to trust the journey and the process.

with <3

—A Recovering Design Imposter