Rachel L. Saunders's Blog, page 6

I Always Intend to Write...

Here I am, late on a Sunday, realizing that I didn't write a single thing this last week. I end up rationalizing it because this or that work project was disheartening, or the week was just draining, or, in all honesty, I haven't been sleeping so well with some allergies picking up this month.

But what I really see is that something needs to change. Good intentions are great, but they don't always get the job done. I am bad at corralling myself to do things, especially things that give me such terrifying joy like creating does. I've tried and tried again to set up schedules, suggestions, and even bribes but the lazy way out often wins despite my best efforts and genuine interest.

I've been trying to make a habit of "puttering" in my office most weeknights for at least an hour, maybe more. But I still run into a few old habits and emotional tracks. I've spend so long making sure that others were taken care of first that I sometimes still default to overriding my wants and needs without a thought. Only later do I realize what I've done. And FOMO hits me hard when the evenings are generally when the hubs and I get to relax together and it often takes the form of TV. Being alone in my office is unbearably scary in the face of the easy, familiar, and comfortable.

Going it alone may not be the best way, but somehow I've see it as a badge of honor, something to be proud of. I'm learning to ask for help and support when I need it and I've finally done that this weekend. As conversations with me tend to go, it started on a completely different topic and through the random tangents and track jumping my brain is wont to do, we ended up talking about how to get me sitting in my office each evening regardless of whether I wrote or not.

I felt super silly asking if the hubs would also implement his own office "puttering" while mine was in progress. At the very least for him to be in his office for the first 20-30 mins so I can't "accidentally" get distracted with whatever is happening in our living room. I can have all the good intentions and even motivation in the world but if I can't get past the starting point it is kinda useless.

So, this week, we (the hubs and I) are teaming up to help me get my office time. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll read, maybe I'll art. But the important thing is that I'll be in a space where I can cultivate the boredom to maybe make something happen. And, I really, really do want to create. Honest. I'm just my own worst enemy when it comes to making my creative priorities an actual, real priority. Creative endeavors, whether or not they provide something more than joy, are just as important as a "real" job.

Still working on seeing it that way. Working on seeing the importance of making time for the small, seemingly insignificant things that bring me joy.

The Mother Lives | from the Journal of Amina Anesidora Nyree

A note: this is the in-character journal of my Star Wars RPG character, anything that happens in these entries is entirely fiction, set loosely within the Star Wars Expanded Universe (not the current Disney timeline), and created in the minds of myself, the other players, and the game master.

Well, we found my god...she's really real, and actually corporeal. This was unexpected...but I think I was beginning to wonder with the dream and the telepathic contact. We found pyramids (temples??) on both poles and a similar counterpart on the first moon we investigated, Tumult. (One is suspected to be on the other moon as well). The Mother is lying there, in the temple, no, tomb, on Tumult...

All this and I'm still reeling from killing a friend. To be clear, he was taken over by an evil force entity, he couldn't be saved but that doesn't change the fact that I feel sick inside. I consider myself a pacifist, violence isn't the option...ever. Yet, as I called out to Osohr, calling him to come back to himself, to take control of his mind and body one last time, I knew, KNEW, that he needed to go to his final rest, that was the only way to save us, to save the colony.

I still cannot believe the series of events that led to this...the evil entity that had Osohr in it's grip opens the floor and traps V3, our charismatic droid player. We rescue him but in doing so cause giant dark side force lizards to be sent after us. The only option I could see was to leap through one of the floor portals and try to reach out to Osohr (who V3 confirmed is on the other side but is not himself). Seeing the state of Osohr is when I know there is no escape for him. I help him go to his final rest as himself, fighting the evil force entity inside. I sob as I sink to the floor next to his headless body.

Once Osohr is gone, the evil entity has been vanquished, at least I’m pretty sure having recollected a similar historical occurrence of killing an evil force entity. The next thing I know Astria, our pilot and newly revealed force sensitive player, is holding my sobbing form, comforting me, asking me to help her create a portal for us to get back through. Once through, the Mother, my god in the flesh, is standing, looking towards me from amidst our group.Today, I learned that I will never see my family again. Five years will pass for me while 100 will pass outside the hyperspace bubble that was released by the falling ancient ship that also seemed to release the ash creatures. I don’t know how I’m holding myself together, I know that I don’t have to be strong for the others but I know they need me. Today was NOT a good day.

The silver lining is that the Mother is real, she will help us how she can; Desh is far more capable and has more potential than he knows, I’ve asked him, a seeming street urchin turned friend and store hand, to run my shop as we need to make some long term plans for our little slice of Wild Space. We cannot leave, we cannot communicate with the outside so we must all come together and make it though these 5 (100) years together the best way we can.

Look here for an Introduction to the world of Amina Anesidora Nyree.

You Feel It Just Below the Ribs | Jeffrey Cranor & Janina Matthewson

I think I should start with some background as this book is part of the greater world of the podcast Within the Wires. But, I agree with the authors that you don’t need to have listened to any of it to enjoy this book. I will say, being a fan of the podcast, that what I remembered from listening to the first season—which was a long time ago in terms of my audio consumption—did enhance my experience.

I’m a big fan of the authors’ other works, mainly podcasts. They excel at telling a story while slipping in just the right amount of strange and unsettling details to keep you questioning. Details that, in this book, seem to indicate that the world isn’t what it seems and things are just a little off—below the surface of the New Society.

The book is laid out and organized as if a printing press has found this manuscript and have decided, possibly against their better judgment, to publish the work. Throughout the manuscript are footnotes that seek to clarify or disprove parts of the writing. They can neither confirm nor deny, really, if the author is who she says she is.

In this world, the Great Reckoning has devastated the entire globe and the only way that the New Society sees forward is to disregard and, eventually, remove all forms of familial attachments. But, will it work? Well, I don’t think that it’s a spoiler to say: probably not. As that isn’t the focus of the story.

Unconfirmed though she may be, the writer claims to be the woman who started the whole movement turned governmental mandate of “removing” children's memories from before they were ten. This manuscript is her life’s work, perhaps to try to right the wrongs she feels she has committed, perhaps only to share her story, perhaps in hopes of shedding light on a terrible secret.

“Was I hoping to write my way to absolution? I don’t think I even believe in absolution. You live your life, and then at the end you have to look back on it. You can either accept it or you can’t, but either way, you die with it behind you.”

I highly recommend this book if you like alternate world stories that are a bit unsettling in the not-so-far-off disparate details.

You Feel It Just Below the Ribs

by Jeffrey Cranor and Janina Matthewson

http://www.nightvalepresents.com/withinthewires#novel

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/57094312-you-feel-it-just-below-the-ribs

A Fledgling Game Master | The World Introduction

I decided that the players—and I— would benefit from an introduction to the world I’d created. Something I learned very quickly in the process of world building was that I like to create collaboratively. Which is why I wanted to bring my players in earlier than some game masters might. Early on I had my husband to bounce thoughts and ideas off of but the thought of sharing what I’d worked so hard to build with the rest of my players was exhilarating…with a touch of terror.

So, it came time to get us all together and for me to introduce them to Vraith. I had about twenty pages of handwritten notes compiled over a number of weeks. Only eight of those pages were shareable with the players, as only those pertained to the present era of Ikoth, the continent where we were beginning.

Right away I was shaking, literally. Also, I was very suddenly all at once too warm and too cold. Both reactions seem to be my body’s standard reaction to somewhat managed panic. But here we were, I was in front of a few of my close friends and I was about to share a vulnerable piece of myself with them. That’s not terrifying…at all… Why is it that, often, sharing yourself with those closer to you can be more terrifying than sharing with strangers?

I digress, and probably did a bit before I got down to sharing the world they’d be shaping with their characters. It became very clear that while I had planned, and planned a lot, that I hadn’t (couldn’t have) thought of everything. And this is, looking back, exactly why I’m so glad to have brought my players in early. They helped me find questions that I hadn’t considered and managed to stumble upon every conceivable way I had overlooked important details. I’m forever grateful!

The way I see it, sure I’m the game master, but I am also only one person. And a person who is honestly very sick of being overly organized and perfectionist to a fault. I really cannot be that person and enjoy the glorious ride that is game mastering.

I might have blacked out for a bit, I’m not sure, because one minute I was going over the details I’d come up with and answering questions, the next it was over. It took a few days to come down out of that space and to understand that I had truly enjoyed myself, underneath all the panic of doing something new and wholly outside of my comfort zone.

It was also nice to have a soft opening to game mastering for the first time. Anyone who knows me well knows I like to ease into doing things. I need time to consider—sometimes what feels like an inordinate amount—before there can be any hope of a “yes” on my part.

Have you game mastered before? What was your first experience like? If you haven’t, do you want to?

PS. Here's the first page of notes I had to share with the players...and a drawing of a strange aquatic deer that is indicative of the somewhat aquatic nature of all land life forms due to certain intermingling of the Earth's ecosystem with that of Vraith's. The art is also neatly blocking super top secret game master knowledge that I may or may not share with players once the campaign is over.

The Magic of Reading

I’ve been thinking of books and reading a lot of late. Books were our gift of choice this holiday season, both to give and to get. I find it so wonderful to own physical copies of books, to have something solid to hold in my hands while I get swept away into another world. I like non-fiction too, it does have its place on my shelves but fiction is where it’s at, in my opinion.

Of course I cannot say with any certainty, but I think that there is a correlation, for me, between how many books I read in a given year and how well I’m doing mentally and emotionally. Could be vice versa but either way there is seemingly some correlation between those things.

This year 100 was my reading goal and I have long exceeded that. Unless I finish one more book (it’s the 30th of December as I write this) I will be at 117 for the year. Last year (2020) I finished just over 100. I know that the last two years have not been easy, and I’m not saying that I was totally oblivious to the pandemic and what chaos it’s brought, but the November before the pandemic I quit a mind numbing job. That, and then, once the pandemic began, working from home for my new job allowed me to pull myself back together, piece by piece.

Books and reading were one of those pieces.

I’ve enjoyed keeping track of what I’m reading for as long as I can remember. In high school I had a composition notebook that I wrote out the book title, author, number of pages and the date I finished the book. My recollection, which is hazy at best, is that I finished somewhere upwards of 150 books in a year, maybe over 200. It’s all hearsay, though, since I cannot say with any certainty. I often wish I still had the notebook, for posterity at least.

Now I have Goodreads, and my To Read list has mushroomed out of control…I will likely never conquer it. But that isn’t the point, I’ve learned.

I lost my way, reading-wise in college. I had so much to do for class and homework that I didn’t read much for fun, if at all. It wasn’t until a few years out of college that I unexpectedly came up for air and realized that I had time again. I was free, so to speak. Work didn’t come home with me like homework, so I was free to fill my time with reading again.

And for a time, I did, I was picking up books nearly every few days at the library and reading exclusively for pleasure. Then, the descent into the greyness and depression, spurred on by my increasingly mind numbing job. Goodreads shows that I was only reading 20-30 books a year 2016-2019. This may still seem like a lot to some but for me that’s not flourishing reading, that’s survival reading.

I read some great books during those grey years. Some very necessary books like Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer, It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn, and The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff. It wasn’t enough, and I wasn’t OK, but it did push me forward.

So, seeing the numbers and knowing how I was feeling during those years leads me to thinking that there’s got to be something to how much I read and how happy I’m feeling; how OK I truly am. And I’m sure there is something to it. But I guess, in the end, what matters more is that I’m happy. I’m doing OK and I’ve never felt more alive than I do these days. Maybe it’s got something to do with the books, and maybe it doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean that reading isn’t magical.

Read more books!

I'm working on growing my physical library (photo not including the pile of books I'm planning/hoping to read soon):

A Natural History of Dragons: A Memoir by Lady Trent | Marie Brennan

I’m not sure how this book and I had never met before this year. I ended up reading it in the span of a single day, and enjoyed nearly every minute of it. All thanks to my husband and the season of gift giving.

Dragons, I’ve always loved and been fascinated by them. I’m not certain where my favorite idea of them comes from now. It may well be Tamora Pierce’s Wild Magic series. I remember a scene of getting the sense of a dragon's mind and it being neat and tidy rows of books on shelves. I always imagined them as spellbooks, given that intelligent and magical dragons have often been a favorite.

The dragons in this book may not be intelligent in the way of humans, or magical, but they are just as fascinating.

The protagonist is writing her memoirs, this first book is the first adventure she was ever on and what went on to kick start her entire career as a Natural Historian of Dragons. The wit and hilarity of the commentary of an older and wiser woman alongside the story of her youth are simply delightful.

As a woman I greatly appreciated the strength and determination of the protagonist in a world where women were considered soft, delicate things, and most decidedly not cut out to study dragons in their natural habitat. It’s not done, but they hadn’t met her. Or they had, and underestimated her.

It wasn’t until I was nearly finished that I thought to check for more in a series. I was nearly convinced it was a one-off. But I was relieved and overjoyed to see that there were not one but five more books in the series.

Solid five stars for me…but those that may follow my ratings might notice that I often give 4-5 stars. I’m trying to be a bit more choosy about my rating and reviews these days, though.

A Natural History of Dragons: A Memoir by Lady Trent

by Marie Brennan

https://www.swantower.com/writing/natural-history-dragons/

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12974372-a-natural-history-of-dragons

Newer Beginnings: A Rebranding | Biriyak's Keeper

Well, I am probably supposed to be planning for my next role playing game session, because I am the game master…but brain has had other ideas. The rebranding I’ve been working on, and it’s happened better and faster than I thought, has been in my head for a while. One day I was hit with how much Beautifully Functional Design was not fitting me or what I’m trying to do with myself and my brand anymore. Sure, the ideas behind it still stand, yet it now feels too generic and impersonal.

When I started on social media, which I consider to be after Myspace and a dabble on Blogger, I only had Facebook, and not until after I started college. Back when it was more actually social and much less clickbait-y and polarized. It wasn't until I finally hopped onto Instagram, a few years after college, that I needed a handle. I had no idea what, and I was not good at coming up with things for describing myself, it was just too stressful. Anyhow, I think I started as book dragon probably with 007 at the end since I've had a long history of liking the numbers and only a passing interest in the spy stories related to them.

It wasn't until Allie that I really started to understand myself. Thus, when I inevitably became un-enamored with my book dragon handle, I went looking for something with more depth and meaning. I think I did ask my husband for help on what I should use, I wanted it to really speak to me and have meaning. Not something that felt as one dimensional as book dragon.

I know I’ve talked about Allie before, she’s my favorite RPG character I’ve played, to date, and my first character I fully connected with and understood what it meant and how much it could change a person to play a character in a game.

I'm not entirely sure how it went down but I'm nearly certain it wasn't me that originally mentioned the dagger as an option but it was me that decided it was the winner. I, as myself and as Allie, was the keeper of Biriyak. I wanted something unique and this was quite unique.

From there it blossomed into meaning so much more. Biriyak may have started as a dagger, a weapon, but it has been transformed into my pen. The instrument that focuses my thoughts. I do sometimes wonder if I would have had the courage to start this blog, to open myself up to the joyous terror of my love of writing without Biriyak.

And that is why Biriyak, and why I am Biriyak's Keeper. I may have always been an artist but something that had gone dormant for so, so many years was my love of writing. So many school essays and comments about preparing for the "real" world can do that.

Being Biriyak's Keeper allowed me to find that part of myself again and felt so much more appropriate for my blog branding.

So, hello internet, I am Biriyak’s Keeper.

An Introduction | from the Journal of Amina Anesidora Nyree

A note: this is the in-character journal of my Star Wars RPG character, anything that happens in these entries is entirely fiction, set loosely within the Star Wars Expanded Universe (not the current Disney timeline), and created in the minds of myself, the other players, and the game master. More entries from the Journal of Amina Anesidora Nyree will be forthcoming. Though I should note that this process of writing as my character was not something that I started at the beginning of our campaign so this is the short introduction to where we were in the story when I started truly writing as my character. Entries will continue from here chronologically. I hope you enjoy!

I come from a long line of matriarchs. My mother, though she is the uncontested head of the household, confides in father to help with running the unruly household of five sisters and two brothers. I am the eldest. Following the ancient traditions of the Nyree family heritage, I am a teacher of the great and mystic ways of The Mother. The Mother’s Ways are ancient teachings that promote the importance of nature and spiritual wellness. But, to the slight embarrassment of my family’s honor, I also make and sell (or gift) simple-to-elaborate jewelry that will help find, protect, and heal your spiritual path.

I spent a number of years traveling the galaxy after my apprenticeship to a local jeweler on Mikkia. I wanted, and was called, to help heal the galaxy one companion stone at a time. I eventually heard about the Imperial Missions that Emperor Jagged Fel was setting up and applied. That’s how I ended up here in Wild Space on Catesse in the colony of Varance.

I have a shop called Crystal Sanctuary, it’s half a jewelry store and half a meditation space. I offered bi-daily guided meditation with words of encouragement regarding The Ways of the Mother. I’ve also kinda become a therapist of sorts. But since we had to move the colony to the South pole due to the ashfall and the monsters(?) within, I haven't had much chance to re-setup and run the shop. I'm grateful to Desh for keeping an eye on things while I and the rest of our group investigate the strange things on and surrounding Catesse and her two moons, Euphony and Tumult...

A Fledgling Game Master | Planning

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a bit. The shorter days and the gloom of the impending winter have not been treating me well this year..not that they ever do but this year has been worse. I’m proud that despite it all I’m still continuing to try my hand at game mastering. And, if the player reaction is a good indicator, I seem to be doing a decent job mastering my first campaign. It remains to be seen if I’ll stick the landing of an ending…but that’s for future me to figure out!

I’ve so often heard the advice to start before you are ready, and I do think there is something to be said for not waiting too long. For me I was ready, mostly. I did more planning than some, and less than others. It’s really about the story. Do what you need to do to make a story. Keeping in mind that you’ll be telling this story with some other people, the players, or PCs.

It takes practice to know what to plan and what to leave a bit more loose, and it will be different for every game master, there is no exact one-size-fits-all plan. Each campaign, session and group of PCs is going to bring something different to the table.

To date, I’ve done very different levels of planning for each session and they’ve all been really fun. There is the adjustment period for each group and campaign; everyone, game master included, needs to get used to the dynamic, the story, the “yes, and”-ing.

So, planning is good, to a point. Starting is also important, all the planning in the world will get you nowhere if you don’t decide to start. A lot of learning happens while doing and you can only plan for so many things that you don’t know.

It’s honestly why I started before I was totally ready. I was at a point of needing to learn while doing so I could plan more effectively. For me that’s been extremely difficult. I have always preferred to plan out or determine all of the possible outcomes before proceeding…overwhelming at the very least and often setting me up to worry for the worst possible outcome while ending up with something generally less terrible. Not very fun. And, honestly, a waste of my time because all that uber-planning brought me was stress and overthinking.

It’s liberating and fun to leave plans open ended. One of my favorite things about role playing games is the collaboration. My character moments as a player have been better for the input and in-the-moment suggestions of my fellow players. And my debut as a game master has been far less stressful and terrifying having the support of my players for some of the planning stages.

So, from a fledgling game master, plan, sure, but do something with it too. And don’t be afraid to collaborate with your players. Obviously there should still be some mystery and intrigue to the story, but collaboration is a great tool. Use it!

PS. Here is a steam dragon I painted using the Procreate app on my iPad. The purchase of the iPad, Apple Pencil, and the Procreate app have been some of the best purchases, to date, that I've made for my creative journey. The dragon just might be related to my RPG campaign...I've very proud of the light highlights on this piece as I've been really working on depth and dimensionality in my art.

Worldbuilding | Balancing Excitement and Pacing Oneself

I’ve learned to never say never. I’d said many times over the last number of years that I would never, and I was pretty certain, try my hand at game mastering a role playing game session/campaign. That’s where you plan a bunch of story and world details (or, if desired, pick up a prewritten adventure) then have a few of your friends get together with you and cooperatively tell the story with you helping them and the characters they’ve built interact with the story and world you’ve built. Often exciting and fun chaos ensues, I know from experience as a player character. Feeling daunted yet? I sure was.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago when I changed my mind...never say never, y’all. It just might happen.

Honestly I’d been thinking that my never had turned to a maybe...someday when I’d watched Ashely Johnson game master a killer space adventure one-shot. She was on record as never wanting to game master but as a special unlock of the Critical Role kickstarter she was on the hook for one game. And she knocked it out of the park. I was quite inspired.

And thus, here I am in the middle of ideation and writing for what I’m calling my almost real hypothetical game. I cannot believe that this is me, right here, right now. I’m so excited to be doing this. It’s such a beautiful creative thing to be making a whole world and story for a game. Sure, some of it is going to be epically, unapologetically, hand-wavingly strange. As some who know me might have guessed, there be Dragons and steampunk technology, as they don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Think about it…

All this excitement also leads to this feeling of the time scarcity vortex. Like I want to show this cool thing I’m working on, get it moving and on the ground as soon as possible. But I need to pace myself if I’m going to do this right. And I want to do this right. I’ve almost never wanted to do something more right than this thing. I’ve got plans. Lots of plans. Both story/world wise and artwork wise. You heard me, not only am I creating a story and a world, I’m planning on creating some artwork visuals for my hypothetical players.

I must be crazy, right. But it’s the best kind. Also my creativity has skyrocketed with this project being added on to my preexisting ones. I’m likely not going to be done with any of my projects super soon, but I’m enjoying the ride.

What of your own creative outlets are you guys excited about?

PS. I’m sharing a piece of my worldbuilding art below, welcome to the continent of Ikoth, Vraith. In the few days since I wrote the bulk of this post I’m finding that the sharing of this particular project may be closer than I was expecting and the players much less hypothetical and looking a lot like a certain number of friends...just saying...I’m terricited!