Rachel L. Saunders's Blog, page 2

August | How It Went

Hey! I’m as surprised as many of you might be that it is already not August… already. August flew by. And it was still a slower month in a lot of ways. There was the week of vacation that I learned a lot about myself on. I’ve had some further revelations about existing more in my skin and taking care of myself. I’m finding that there are some much needed boundaries I’m working on and also learning to let others have theirs as well. Even if it hurts, honestly sometimes, especially if it hurts. It may not be my place to be.

I probably took more pictures this month than any other month this year. And I love almost all of them. Come on, we all know that every single one cannot be the best…and that really isn’t the point, either. The fact that I got out there and took pics. That was huge. (see the pics here)

Also, I’m super excited to say that even my therapist noticed that my energy was more settled, more centered! While I love all of the encouragement I get from my friends and family, having the person who only sees me once a month and helps me navigate my big complicated feels, my ups and downs, all of that emotion stuff that can really nail me sometimes, them saying that I felt more centered was a highlight of my month.

Oh, and I cannot forget about peaches! It is officially peach season. My second favorite fruit season of the year (after strawberries). We’ve got quite a few local farms that have quite a few varieties too and we’ve begun to cultivate a rotating favorite depending on what is in season throughout the greater peach season. Veterans and Improved Elbertas are long term favorites, for sure.

Anyways onward to the usual update!

Novel Writing

There is happenings here, I don’t want to spook it too much but I have written about 500 words both of the last couple novel writing days! And that is a lot more written than in a while.

I’ve promised myself that the version I’m working on will stay as it is written until the end. Then I can rewrite to my hearts content. This means that when I read back through to reacquaint myself there is no touching the words, even if I feel they need fiddling. NO FIDDLING! Yet.

The act of schlepping that pesky criminal octopus back into my brain has seemingly helped me find confidence in my writing voice, given me actual perspective rather than always existing everywhere at once. It has been interesting to see how that has such importance to actually write anything actually from someone’s point of view.

Artwork and Art Business

Surprisingly I’ve gotten back into this without too much trouble after taking the vacation break. I couldn’t find the inspiration or energy to do a lot with this both on vacation or the week-ish afterwards but I got back out there with a sticker poll on my IG and y’all delivered some results.

Thank you, from the bottom of my artists heart!

Currently the sticker files are ready to go, I just need to make an order. Keep posted for updates on the new stickers, you’ll know when I know.

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Don’t forget that there are currently stickers still available on my Etsy shop! Go give 'em a look, they do get lonely sometimes.

Original pieces were singular this month, and barely. I finally got my idea of maple seeds crossed with bats done…and, as intended, they do look far more like maple seeds than bats, like the only connection to bats is that they hang off of the maple branch, lol. Anyways the Helicreepers (wonderfully named by a friend) are pretty cute if a bit unsettling, even creepy. They just want to be friends, if you let 'em.

Blog

Still settling into my new-found (maybe re-found) blog voice. I’m trying out a revolutionary thing of asking myself what I think of it. Obviously I do want to be a light to others and I think I can better do that by being myself, of not holding back my weird and my cringe from how I share myself to the world.

Sometimes that means that my 100% is different from post to post, and that is ok. My voice will shift and change throughout the year, hell, throughout the month as I go from being super excited and social to being hella upset and raw. I shouldn’t feel that I need to hide that, to over-smooth my rough edges to help me blend into it all. To fit. I’m a loud (with the appropriate people), introverted weirdo and I’m finally, truly proud of that fact.

My rebel kinda had the right idea back as a teen, saying “thank you” to anyone who called me weird. Because, I do thank them, thank them for seeing it. I may not thank them for commenting on my life, but hey that is a whole other thing…

So, I hope that you see the light I’m trying to bring to bear on the darkness. I hope that you can see that you, too, have a light and that, you, too, can shine that for others. It can be the smallest of acts and make a world of a difference. The struggle, sometimes, is not knowing if you are doing much of worth with only the small glimmer of hope that something you do will matter, somehow, someway to someone else who needs it.

The real work is showing up, no matter what you do or do not know. Showing up and doing your best, whatever that is, whatever that looks like for you.

Reading…but really, instead, Gaming

Three books. That was it. Maybe it was the stress/recovery of vacation. I gamed a lot…

The hubs and I got in to Baldur’s Gate 3 and I started up a solo playthrough of Divinity Original Sin. Something the hubs and I have played through together years earlier and I have been playing with a friend recently as well. I just had the solo game itch, real bad…and didn’t want to have to deal with other people for some of my gaming…sorta sorry, I guess, but it’s been a good stress reliever, so.

But really I blame a book I picked up and, well, it dragged! Spirits in the Wires by Charles de Lint. I really wanted to like it because I love other books by the author, and I’ve ready other stories with some of the same characters…but no, I skimmed about half of it and, wow, y’all, it felt mostly like setup with little payoff. By the time I got to the payoff and resolution I couldn’t care about it.

But, that bust of a read was offset by book two of the Tinkered Starsong Trilogy, Demigod 12 by Gail Carriger. Again I finished it in as little time as I could possibly manage. I loved all of it, I cannot wait for the final installment to drop in October. There is so much love, so much pain, so much healing in this story. And even if you don’t need to see all that the story is a wonderful one at face value.

I also finished The Courtship of Princess Leia by Dave Wolverton. This was a good story, though, honestly I’m still not sure exactly why Leia did forgive Han, he really did mess up… Lets just say that he really didn’t need to go quite so rogue when everyone was pressuring and encouraging Leia to marry some other dude for the good of the Republic.

Being Worth It

Hey all y’all,

Who else grew up in the church? And who else was taught that they were not worthy? If anything you were less than worthless…. I know that that is a belief I am still struggling to throw away. Years of believing that everything about myself was sinful, wrong, untrustworthy and, in some perspectives, evil. Being a woman is super fun in the church…

I saw a TikTok the other day and wish I could remember who’s it was. The message really stuck with me though. You know how we grew up on that message “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you”? Well what happens when we are also taught just how worthless and wrong we are, too?

I’m gonna let that sit for a minute.

If we don’t see ourselves as worth the effort why are we going to see others as worth more?

And, I know, it may seem paradoxical when you think about people pleasers. But this has been on my mind for days. I know I am a recovering people pleaser and did see others as more worthy than myself for everything. But if I really dig deep it was because if I didn’t take care of others there was some sort of punishment waiting in the wings. And, in a way, it was a way to take care of myself by making everyone else ok so that I could be ok.

It was almost never for the true meaning of that message. Kindness.

And kindness is a controversial topic, too. Is kindness being honest, even when it hurts, or is it about withholding important info so you don’t hurt someone.

For me kindness is telling hard truths when you are the person to be telling said hard truths. If you are close to someone and are allowed to speak into their lives.

And I want to treat everyone, myself included, with kindness at the appropriate levels. Do unto them what I want done unto me.

To do that though I also need to be kind to myself first and foremost.

I need to find myself worthy of care and consideration.

Because if I cannot see the need of self care and love how can I give that to someone else without resentment for what I am not getting. Or in manipulation to get what I am not getting by giving it to someone else.

This is, unexpectedly, tying into my last post. People pleasing is often unhealthy and manipulative. And may be the only way some can feel safe, I acknowledge that I have so much privilege to be working through this and taming my inner overly friendly octopus who also definitely has FOMO. So much FOMO…

To move out of pleasing others first, and for the wrong reasons, we really need to see our worthiness. It isn’t based on what we can produce, what we can achieve, or what we believe in. We are all worthy exactly how we are and where we are. We do not need to look outside ourselves for our validation. Self validation, self diagnosis, self discovery are all so valid.

Let us love ourselves more with each passing day so that we can treat others with more kindness each and every day.

I see you, and in case you need the reminder, you’re pretty great, keep being your awesome self.

You are worth it!

With all the love,

-R

P.S. Working on a new piece and really loving the strange but cute vibes I keep finding making plant monsters/critters. Lemme know what you think of the helicreepers so far!

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Surrendering the Space Between

Hey there!

So, there is this overly friendly octopus that seems to live in my head. Let me explain.

You know how I’ve mentioned that existing in my own brain has been kind of revolutionary for me, well, that other state of being all up in other people’s energies and brains has felt like having that octopus in my head. And its tentacles like to reach out to the other people in the shared energy space and just check in.

Like how are they doing? What can we (the little octopus and I) be doing to make sure that they are happy, safe and taken care of? But before they even ask…and to regulate my own wellbeing by pleasing them.

You see, I’m a recovering serial people pleaser, which I’ve come to realize included behaviors that I wasn’t aware of and that can be rather manipulative. It is also a very inefficient way to regulate ones own emotion. And, for me, is very likely a trauma response. Needing to feel safe and this was the only way I knew how to do it…and the generational trauma gave it more importance.

Let’s talk about the space between us.

I first really had that explained in a book by Kristen and Rob Bell, The Zimzum of Love. It is a book on marriage and while I usually don’t have interest in reading many marriage books (especially Christian) this one had some unique things that piqued my curiosity (long story short: Bell is considered a bit of a heretic in Christian circles and he and his wife wrote the book together opening the wisdom up to more than simply Christian doctrine).

There exists this energetic space between people, a space where we can connect on that level with the people in our lives. It is a space that is heavily influenced by what we put into it. Unconscious or not. And a lot of us put a lot of our energies (octopods) out in this space without maybe meaning to exist so much in this in between space. I know I didn’t realize how much I was existing here.

I was almost completely existing in this space between people. The octopus was fully hanging out in this space and happily trying to get all up in everyone’s business, tentacles wrapped up in other’s energies and brains just so I could feel safe and comfortable. I didn’t know any better.

Because while the space between us is important and necessary, living there is not.

So that moment where it all kinda clicked for me and suddenly the hubs and I were more in our own brains, well that was the moment that I understood that the octopus was overly friendly and needed to be schlepped back into my brain. This was also the moment that I understood what it meant to be myself, fully. What it felt not to abandon myself for others, as was my unfortunate habit.

This new existence is really uncomfortable. Good and still weird. I love the new confidence it has found within me and I am also unsettled. I have to remind myself that if someone is upset with me, needs something from me, or wants to talk to me that they will let me know. I do not need my little octopus to get loose again and go browsing for the signs. I am allowed to focus on how I am feeling rather than how others are feeling.

And, please, please, please do not misunderstand. Others are still important, I’m not going full selfish here…though it sometimes feels this way because I’m not used to taking such good care of myself. Of not abandoning myself for others.

Other people have the right to have their space, too. To communicate their wants and needs before someone else attempts to interpret it for them without asking.

So, let’s surrender the space between us a bit more. Understand that intentionally existing in that space is far more considerate than letting those pesky, overly friendly octopods get all up in each other’s business while running rampant. It may even help us feel more confident in ourselves, in knowing what we want and need. Help us recover from people pleasing as our sense of safety.

I hope y’all luck in surrendering the space between, as necessary, and, hopefully, living a little more confidently in taking care of yourself. And, allowing those in your life the space to actually let you know how they are doing and what they need. It is a bit scary at first but so worth it.

With all the love,

-R

P.S. I thought it appropriate to reshare my art of the Cattapus in all his underwater glory. He may be part octopus but he is pretty ok keeping to himself for the most part.

Take the Picture

Hey, hello there, I’m still here, just been off on vacation this last week. And recovery was necessary. Ya know what they say about needing a vacation from your vacation, well that was true of this one.

No offense to any family, as this was a family vacation. It is simply that preparing to go on a vacation, going to said vacation and then living in an unfamiliar setting for a few days is, well, overwhelming. At best it brings new scenery and new stimulation but that runs out rather quickly for me. I would have been happy to head home after a couple of days. And I still managed to make the best of it. By taking the pictures.

Yeah, this is really what I want to talk about. Taking pictures of things, myself included, has long been uncomfortable. Not in the sense that I don’t want to take any photos but more so in the sense of the external reactions to taking photos of things. Being starkly honest I was embarrassed to be taking photos of things I found cool, beautiful, or interesting. Because I didn’t want to feel I had to explain myself.

The times when I did something different, whatever it was, and it got called out I hated the way it felt because it was often a hey, why don’t you do that more often (like smile), or, in some cases, sheer disbelief that it was me doing the thing (wearing dresses as a teen). I learned quickly and uncomfortably that others were allowed to comment on whatever I did, and as someone sensitive to others (always worrying over other’s energies), it felt very unsafe and unsolicited. I felt powerless and cornered.

I know that there are photographers, it isn’t like I’m totally out of the loop…but for me there was this special joy in taking photos that felt very, very vulnerable. Something that I didn’t want to have to share with anyone, especially when other’s felt they had the right to butt into my life without asking. And until recently (and even still) I’ve felt I have to share myself with others because I didn’t deserve to be private, didn’t deserve to have my own personal joys.

And I get that maybe it makes no sense to be writing about this, to the public. But that is the thing, I am learning that I can share myself and my joys on my terms and I don’t have to worry about those without the right to speak into my life. They can say or do what they like, I don’t have to listen or give credence. Even if it isn’t that easy to do in practice. I’m trying.

So, while we were up in Sunriver I gave my best effort to take pictures of ALL the things I found interesting, beautiful, cool, just wanted to photograph. I practiced existing in that uncomfortable space of wanting and doing something that might get unwelcome notice. I practiced loving doing it in spite of the discomfort, and a little because of it (thanks to my inner rebel).

And I get such wonderful, deep, squishy joy out of photos, truly. It is one of the ways I think I am learning to embrace softness. Giving room to both my inner child and her young wonder and awe of nature and to my inner rebel and her need to do things that go against something, even if it may only exist in her head. Shh, don’t tell her.

It was also an escape. As I’ve learned with that first larger solo adventure last month, getting out and moving, walking, and away from other people’s energy is vitally important to my regulation. And a house full of other people that I don’t usually spend time with in close proximity is overwhelming even if I am hermiting in a private room. And though we love and cherish them, they don’t truly understand what I am and how I exist in the world, what I need. Somewhat because I don’t always understand that either, but mainly that we lead separate lives, and that is just fine. We do not have to understand our family to love them. And we don’t have to like them all the time, either. That is the way of things.

So, go ahead, take the picture… or whatever it is that you keep pulling back from that would bring you that beautiful, squishy, messy joy. Do the thing. Do it for the joy of it, do it for the rebellion of it. Do it for yourself, and yourself alone. Share it if you like, or hoard it. You do you.

I know I do a bit of both because while below is a selection of my favorite pictures from the vacation I’m still going to keep some just for me.

So, yeah, take the picture!

much love,

-R

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July | How It Went

Hey y’all! Hope July has been a good month for you, too!

This has been a good month for many reasons but really leaning into standing alone and trusting myself has been a big positive leading to some breakthroughs in my mental health. And understanding that I actually am a nature person…just not the same way as my mother. Let’s just say that after many childhood years of doing nature her way I was a bit nature avoidant. Then I found that going out on walks, getting pics of all the things that interested me for potential art later was my nature thing. Yay!

It has also sparked my independence. In the way of moving away from always being up in everyone else’s energies/brains and focusing more on what is actually going on with my energy and in my brain. It has been wonderful and helpful in following my joys and my adventure even further.

I’m also settling a bit more into acceptance and understanding on the neuro-spicy angle. Regardless of diagnosis the things that this part of the journey is helping me understand have been healing. I’m learning to better accept myself as I am, not worrying so much about how I’m perceived. Focusing more on bettering myself and following my joy no matter how weird that makes me. I’d rather live a joyful existence than worried about public image, truly.

Bees were also kinda my thing this month so here is another bee pic, couldn't help it, lol.

Novel Writing

Found myself a little inspired a couple times this month and there was actually some progress made on my novel. I’m trying ever so hard not to edit, change, or delete anything from my current draft. Really hoping that I can make it to the finish line on this one. Then we can edit, change and delete to our heart’s content…well, within reason, of course, lol.

In this iteration I’m finding Elle to have more real emotions and reactions to what is happening in her world and I think that is what is making this draft stick a bit better than previous ones. Though I wouldn’t say that the previous iterations or drafts are at all useless. They were practice, as is this one.

The mental health healing has really positively impacted my ability to find comfort in being bad at something. Because you kinda have to be a bit (or a lot) bad at something before you can build your skill and become decent and even excellent at something. I’ve been finding joy in embracing the chaos that a rough draft of a novel really is. You can’t make it perfect straight outta the gate. Not even really good enough even because it is such a process of discovery and massaging all the details into the best form for the greater story you want to tell.

Artwork and Art Business

July was a great month for me. I sold stickers! And, as I’ve mentioned the previous week, I’m working on some new designs that’ll be out for a poll (or few) soon! I cannot wait to share them with you all! Thank you for making more designs a possibility. I’m hoping to add them to my shop by the end of August or early September, dependent on how long the polling, ordering, and shipping takes.

Some of my initial sticker sales were in person, which is a great way to start. And since I’m working on building an Etsy presence I’m starting to direct even friends to purchase through Etsy to help my rankings there. So, if you want to spice up your water bottle, or add some pizazz to your laptop or other sticker-able items check out my Etsy shop here:

Blog

This is really the first year that I’ve really stuck with my blog and I think that it has come with some growing pains. Trying to figure out, long term, what my voice is here. Exploring certain avenues, revisiting others. And while I love the idea of this being a helpful blog and something where people come to learn things and pursue holistic creativity I think my idea of that was…very vague so say the least. And I’ve struggled, as I’ve mentioned, to feel authentic and do what I thought of as making a helpful blog.

In the last few posts I’ve been finding my feet again. This blog is mine, I can do what I want and what feels most comfortable. What makes it mine, Biriyak’s Keeper. And what makes it that is making each post a letter to my friends, the readers. You see, that is how I talk to my friends IRL and I can’t see any other way of being authentically me and writing this blog.

In my journey I may have moved away from that maybe feeling that it wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. And I was wrong. I just needed to learn that…again. And learn it I did. The hubs mentioned that my last post felt most like my voice than many recent posts. That felt nice. It leaves much more room for me to explore. And doesn’t mean that anything prior was wrong either. Part of the process and the journey.

Reading

I’ve slowed to a steadier pace, not feeling as intent to finish ALL the books lately. I’m very distracted doing a lot of other things, see items above…and just living life in general. I did get to finally pick up a friend’s book that I’d bought earlier this year. It was warm and cozy and I can’t wait for their next book to come out. See the first book of the review section below for my friend’s book:

The books I finished this month:

Crystal Belle: Songs from the Beast Within by Vera Lee Bird. What happens after the happy ending? Are they just as happy as you think? Or have they grown and changed? Will they embrace it? Belle grapples with the fact that her life has utterly changed and is good, and yet she isn’t quite certain she is happy. This was such a fun read! Happily recommend, short, sweet and cozy. Made me feel warm fuzzies. (You can check out her and her work here.)

Trill and Bajor, Worlds of Star Trek Deep Space Nine 2, two novellas by Michael A Martin and Andy Mangels, and J. Noah Kym. Was interesting to learn what’s going on both on Trill and Bajor. Some major upheaval with the symbionts and joined on Trill while Bajor is settling into their new status as a Federation world.

Assassin’s Apprentice, book 1 in the Farseer Trilogy, by Robin Hobb. Woof, a lot of hard and sad things that are told from a future self perspective. And Robin Hobb still delivers her well done world building and great storytelling. Fitz is thrust into many things that he doesn’t understand because he’s the bastard of a prince. He is used for everyone else’s, especially the king’s gain. I’m not sure it was a happy ending but well tied up and there was catharsis. Still would recommend, I’ll just be putting a few other books between this and the next installment in the series.

The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill. This was such a fun read from the very beginning. The author had such a way with words and describing the happenings and the world. I’d heard about this and seen a recommendation much earlier this year and finally picked this up from the local library when I walked there those weeks back. Worth it. I would whole heartedly recommend, it is beautifully written, beautifully told. And what more could you want, a little girl brimming with magic, an old witch in the forest, a swamp monster, a perfectly tiny dragon, and a young man determined to change the world.

Steampunk! An Anthology of Fantastically Rich and Strange Stories Edited by Kelly Link and Gavin J. Grant. A fun collection of steampunk themed short stories. I think I enjoyed all but the last story that didn’t really hit for me. I was pleasantly surprised to find two short comics in the mix, too. Was fun to see how different authors stretched and pushed the steampunk definitions.

Stop Moving the Goalpost and Celebrate the Wins

Do you do this to yourself? Make a goal but once you get there it is immediately time to move the goalpost onward? Do you celebrate your wins or do you minimize them because the goal has now shifted further down the line? And to celebrate would be wrong, somehow?

I just about did this to myself recently. Likely would have if the hubs hadn’t spoken up and pointed out what I was beginning to do to myself. He also noted, that, yeah, he heard it. Because he struggles with it too. And sometimes it takes pointing it out to a loved one to realize, or better see how much you might do it to yourself, too…

So, as many of you know, I’ve been selling stickers. It is actually going really well so far. Which is hard to say without qualifying it with further follow up statements like it has only been people I know buying them so far. Or, I’m not even sure if I’m doing the whole Etsy thing well. On and on. And there I go, qualifying, whoops.

It is going really well, and I’ve sold enough to make some new designs! (there, I did it, said it without qualifying!)

And I’d promised myself once I’d made back what I’d spent on the initial batch of stickers that I’d order some new designs. Well, late this last week I was talking about more sticker ideas but mentioned that I’d want to wait until I’d gotten more sales and maybe someone I didn’t know bought some.

The hubs looks at me and is like, don’t move the goalpost! Have you made enough to purchase more stickers? The answer was yes, but it still didn’t feel safe to follow through, yet. Except that hubs made a good point, I was moving my goalpost rather than making a new one.

Thinking about it longer I realized that I still hadn’t really, truly celebrated the fact that I’d even sold stickers. Setting out I’d hoped to sell some, sure. The reality is that I’ve really sold some! And that deserves celebration!

Keep an eye out in the coming weeks on my Instagram Stories (and maybe other places, still working on some details) for another sticker poll. I’ve got some new pieces and some old ones that are still in the running. I’m excited to be considering adding another 4-6 sticker designs to my shop after I do some popularity polls.

Anyways, thank you to all who have supported me both financially, buying stickers, and in moral support, by liking and sharing the info as much as letting me talk excitedly about my sticker endeavor. And talk about all the options I hope to make stickers and what do you think about this or that. Basically letting me share my art in a way that makes me feel real and like I belong.

I hope you take time to celebrate when you reach your goalposts rather than moving them. And I know it takes time and effort to see if that is what you might be doing to yourself. You are wonderful and you deserve to celebrate your wins. Don’t sell yourself short by moving the goal further down the line.

With all the love, I see you, I celebrate you,

-R

P.S. I made a new plant monster. It has felt like forever since I last made one and I’m quite happy with this one. They are based on what I’m thinking is a Black Knight Echeveria that I have out in front of the house. It is one of the succulents that my mom gifted me for Mother’s day. I was taking some pictures of the shoots it was putting out and thought to myself, yes, if that isn’t plant monster material I don’t know what is. Succulents are a favorite for me, there is something about the fractal patterns of the leaves (?) or petals (?) and they come in so many wonderful colors, my favorite, of course, is purple. So, without further ado I give you the Night Watchers:

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Practicing Standing Alone

When last we spoke about standing alone I was still very scared to step out and do things alone. And, for me, it does take what feels like longer than it should to think about change, acclimate to the idea of change, prepare to act on the change before finally accepting the change (sometimes still kicking and screaming internally). Things take the time they take, am I right?

Well, here I am more than six months later. And I think I’ve finally started to make some noticeable changes both mentally and in tangible doings.

You know that walk to and from the local library that I mentioned in my P. S. of the post about holistic creativity? Well that was kind of a turning point for me. Getting to be alone in my brain for a while and out in nature was invigorating. Also nerve wracking.

But the point is that it sparked independence in me. Not in the rebellious ways of my teenage self…not that I was the picture of typical teenage rebellion. But in the grounded, knowing, and self-assured way through healing and loving myself. Embracing the mess and chaos. Letting go of the shoulds, have tos and expectations.

And it has lead to something that I’m still processing. I think I’ve experienced glimpses of secure attachment, or the beginnings thereof, lately. I’ve not fully done the reading or research but I’ve always suspected that I’m an anxiously attached person. Between that, rejection sensitivity, being an empath, and often overwhelming emotions I’ve struggled to feel settled and safe. Especially when someone I love is acting strange or I can feel their stress or other strong emotions.

I suspect that since nearly the moment the hubs and I met that we connected in a way that was different than I had with other people. I know what you are thinking, I married him, so we should have. But I think it is more than that, and here’s why. We were existing partially in each other’s brains. Very potentially because we both have hyper-awareness or hyper-vigilance. And both seem very empathic, too, without at first understanding what that means and how to separate ours from theirs.

We’ve been existing in the same physical space 99% of the time day in and day out for a few years now. This came about since I started working from home because of the pandemic. Then I discovered just how wonderful this was for me and my forgotten introvert. It was a rather large adjustment for hubs though. And, it has come with some growth in communication and needed adjustments.

The most significant of which is trying to give the other more space for their brain.

And this is the real test of solitude because without realizing it I’d been leaning on the hubs for years in this brain-space way and it was workable for him because I went to the office for work most of my adult life. Now, things needed adjusting.

With my brain constantly connected to his I was no longer alone, ever. And I needed that, for a time. But now I’m needing to step out and practice solitude. And it hurts as much as it’s healing. I’ve come far enough to know that I’m not truly alone but I feel so alone in this practice. I feel brave in ways I didn’t think I knew how to. I feel space for me that I didn’t know I wanted or needed. It is good, and it hurts.

It has taken a long time for me to understand that you can feel many opposing and paradoxical things. And longer to accept that that is ok, good even, at the very least, it isn’t wrong, nor is it bad. Sometimes it simply is existence.

So, I hope you are learning to stand alone and practice solitude if that is something you are needing. Let me know if this sense of sharing brain space with a close family member, friend, or lover resonates. I’d love to hear that I’m not alone, nor am I completely crazy!

With all the love,

-R

P.S. I’ve been photographing more bees. I can’t help it. I even finished an art piece called “Hello Bees” both because I’ve been wanting to do some art of the bees on flower photos I’ve been taking but also because it was a favorite moment in a Critical Role episode where Laura Bailey’s character, Jester, said hello to some bees. You had to watch it because Laura commits to character and her Jester accent is just absolutely wonderful. Jester has been, hands-down, my favorite Critical Role character, likely because she was basically chaos incarnate, a favorite phrase of hers was “let chaos reign!” Maybe that is where some of my embracing the chaos sparked, who can say, lol.

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Don't Force It!

I’ve been spending the last couple of hours trying to force a blog post out. I’ve got nothing. Well, nothing that is flowing would be more accurate. Or, nothing that translates well (or at all) from brain to page.

So, I’m going to simply say, don’t force it! This is true in a lot of things. And I’ve had to learn this lesson again and again and again. In art, in life, in writing. Basically in everything.

It is another way in which we can gaslight ourselves and our feelings. If we feel forced into making something happen maybe we don’t take the time we should to explore why we don’t want to do it because it is easier to force our way to the finish line. And that is definitely true.

I am afraid that I’ll simply give up my blog entirely if I don’t follow through on a post every week. In years past I’ve decided to take a break and then months later realized well, I never got back to that. Maybe it was ok, maybe not. I didn’t really explore how I felt because it was easier that way.

This year I’m trying to be more aware and I’ve realized that some of my feelings are based on needing to fulfill some undetermined criteria. Or, maybe, more accurately, opposing criteria.

Right now I feel I’ve gotten myself into a bit of pickle blog-wise. I’m so focused on making sure I’m writing from a “helpful” perspective that is more focused outward that I can’t seem to write that…at all. In looking to improve myself and my blog I’ve potentially given myself an impossible task. And thus, writing each week can start to feel forced.

I may also be in a bit of an emotional spot lately with really working with my inner child and allowing her to be more present. Which means that I’m very tender and raw. Which means that I judge myself more harshly, too. There are many things that I want to say and share that my protector parts are showing up for and saying, “are you sure??” And with little-me more front and center it is harder to say a whole-hearted “yes!”

This is why mental health is so important to the creative process, which I talked about in last week’s post, What is Holistic Creativity?

I know that practice in putting your thoughts out there is part of the practice but so is giving your inner selves space to exist and integrate.

Learning when it is forcing and when it is simply hard work takes time, effort, and commitment. And so, this post didn’t feel so forced and thus I will post this in hopes of continuing my commitment to my blog.

So, to all those out there who are forcing things, why? Do you need to?

An, of course it is up to you to determine all that for yourself. I’m simply giving my two cents based on my own experiences and thoughts.

with much love

PS. Some flowers I saw at the park that one time and actually decided to take a pic!

What Is Holistic Creativity?

This holistic creativity is more expansive, rewarding and forgiving.

If you are going days and weeks between creations, that is ok here. If you are creating every day, good for you! Both and everything in between are welcome and accepted in holistic creativity.

Sometimes you need to focus on mental or physical health at the seeming detriment of creation. With this expansive view of creativity that focus to heal is an integral part of creativity.

Whatever the work you need to be doing for yourself, know that here it is considered simply a part of growing your creativity. We are complex beings with many facets. Similarly with our creativity.

The ideas that your skills as an artist are the most important lead to shame because the idea is that you need to continuously be growing and improving only that portion. Sometimes the best remedy is to work on something else for a bit and come back to that anatomy study that was vexing you.

So, please know that everything you are, wherever you are, however you are, you are a creative. As long as you show up for the adventure of life with mind open to the creative flow.

And, keep in mind that all I write is to be taken as gentle suggestions, your mileage may vary as it is based upon my experience, life and journey.

This is why I focus so much on my mental health and healing here. The things that I’ve learned in my early years have made it hard to find and embrace the chaos. And, for me that has been a key piece of my holistic creative puzzle. I need to let loose, play, not care what others see in me. Stop worrying so much about what other’s reactions and thoughts are to me, stop spending all of my time taking care of others so that I can ignore my own wants and needs.

You, too, I’d encourage to look to all aspects of yourself to find what may need support or healing. We are all so individual and yet we must also embrace connection. Without a balance of self and others we cannot create to our potential. Without supporting the parts of us that need love, comfort, and space we cannot grow our creativity fully and in a balance with the rest of ourselves.

And, keep in mind that 100% doesn’t look the same day to day. Everyone’s 100% looks different. Show up for yourself the way you have ability for, never look outside yourself and shame yourself for what you cannot change or do.

Something further I’m working on lately is to make sure I know how to regulate my nervous system. I think as a self proclaimed neuro-spicy (neurodivergent) I find myself more and more overwhelmed and overstimulated in situations that I’d previously breezed through. Regulation of my nervous system, when I can manage, is really helpful. Some good places to start your research: Polyvagal theory, somatic practices, breathwork, even shaking. Our bodies like to move and that movement can really help us regulate ourselves in many ways, bringing our awareness back into our bodies and moving feelings through.

Another key I’ve found for myself is the connections between mind and body (and often soul). I’ve lived a lot in my head ignoring what my body was craving and sometimes in ways that were painfully obvious in hindsight. This does tie into nervous system regulation as a connection between your mind and body is important for that work. Knowing what your body is saying is the first step in living fully with yourself. And we are taught that we are supposed to be more logical and mental because body wisdom is for animals. At least, that is the sense I’ve had. We need our body’s wisdom. It knows what it needs to function and thrive. We just need to learn to listen.

So, this for me is what holistic creativity is. Where we tend to all parts of ourselves, mind, body, soul. And creation is not only for the sake of creation but for the whole hearted joy (and chaos, too!). And we take time to nurture ourselves in the ways in which we need, as we need them. Nothing takes away from your status as an artist, creator, person. Nobody else can take that away from you or force you to compare yourself to an insufficient metric. You are your metric.

with much love

- R

PS. In the spirit of embracing holistic creativity this weekend I did something that I’ve not done in a long while, I went on a nice long walk. I didn’t know it but I’d desperately needed a nice solo adventure outdoors. Decided to go to the library and back. (8 miles roundtrip!) The promise of books kept me going (not that I need more books to read, mind you) and the weather was wonderful, sunny but not too hot. Surprisingly the path was far more nature bound than I’d expected strolling towards downtown but that just made me very happy, so here are some photo highlights. I actually allowed myself to follow through and take the photos I wanted to…generally I’m too focused on going or doing to indulge so it was a small but joyous thing to document what I thought was worthy of such.

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June | How It Went

Hey y’all! Hope the beginning of summer has been great! I’ve been enjoying the warmer weather, the sun, and the strawberries. In my opinion there is nothing like real, farm fresh Oregon strawberries. I truly cannot bear to eat any other strawberries so it is a short season of strawberry bliss every year.

With the warmer mornings I’ve found my ideal conditions to begin running again. Had to update some gear, which is always troubling, but managed to find some great new shorts and sports bra. Bra shopping is hard but sports bra shopping is a whole other level…that said the new one is probably the best I’ve ever owned. (Oiselle’s Queen Bra, runs a bit small but that works well for me!)

This was also the month I had to get a new journal. A mixed-emotions event for me. I like new and novel, but that is also unknown. I also like comfort and same, but that can be stifling. Decisions are historically not my strong suit, especially when I’m making them for a long-term commitment product. I get that I don’t have to use the journal I buy if I end up hating it but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to make the “right” call so that doesn’t happen.

Don’t know who else needs to hear this but I definitely did:

It doesn’t need to be the “right” decision, simply a decision.

And I did make a decision and it has been great. I even put a sticker on the new journal, which is another good step for me.

Taking the pressure off of myself has been huge in trying to move forward in a lot of things in life lately. Also, as my last post talked about, validating my feelings even if I don’t understand why or what I’m feeling. Making and/or holding space for that shit is real important!

Novel Writing

Good news! I’ve actually started writing on my novel again!

Honestly I’m finding that I have multiple different starts for this story, both typed and hand written, not sure which will actually come to fruition but it’s part of my process. And I’m learning to not question the process too closely. It happens how it happens. Sure, I’d love to have a clean beginning, middle, then end of this project’s timeline but that is not how my brain works.

Sometimes things go backburner percolating for months and then bam I’m back at it and we are speeding along like the blip of nothing happening never happened. Elle has been explored in some different ways and I’m slowly coming to an acceptance of a writing schedule that all parts of myself can agree upon. Phew.

Still haven’t picked Story Genius up again…someday I will again.

Artwork and Art Business

Here a lot of things happened this month.

Stickers were the main item. I prepped files, decided who to order from (Rockin Monkey), ordered them, and got them by the end of the month. I listed them in my Etsy shop last weekend, and had a lot of fun with the listings. Check out their cuteness, if you dare! Actually, please check them out, tell your friends, buy them!

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Other-art-wise this month I did Queer Snail’s DTIYS challenge with the cute ghosts and flowers. And I finally finished the strangely cute Cattapus I’d set aside looking sooo very exhausted in February. He is happily less tired and more cute since I figured out how I wanted to handle the octopus skin texture. And who knows, maybe he’ll be a sticker at some point in the future.

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I also worked or started on a couple of projects for the hubs’ books. I got cover art and design done for the forthcoming book in August. And I started on the cover art for the one forthcoming, hopefully in November. That one is a bit more involved and I hope it turns out since I’ve not done cover art quite this way before. Excited to try though!

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Ah, the blog, that thing I’m writing right now. It has been good. In conjunction with getting myself a planner and holding myself accountable here, at least once a month with this check in, has been a blessing for actually getting things I want to do done.

I am still struggling to find my voice in giving advice to help others in a way that feels authentic to me. A lot of the posts that elsewhere seem to do really well are things that are like x amount of ways to y…umm no thanks I cannot write one of those, sorry. It would feel too sell out and very off brand.

I know I’m very me-centric in most I write, and that isn’t necessarily because I don’t think other people exist, I know they do, promise. It is just very hard to trust myself to write something that isn’t something I’ve experienced. I don’t feel confident in saying “you should do this thing” if I’m not able to share my own experience as proof. I guess what that all comes down to is I don’t want to be wrong…ooph that doesn’t feel nice. And yet, I get it. I’m a recovering perfectionist.

Thanks for sticking around, it is all still in process over here. Trying to embrace that everything is related to my creativity. Embracing the chaos and mess. Learning to still balance that with comfortable, flexible structure that doesn’t make me go ick.

It does seem that there is more interest in post related to engaging with my inner child and my choice to be child-free. And I do want to support that. Those are topics that I find important in my own life and hope to share to others as well.

Reading

I’ve definitely been hitting the books more this month. Been going on many hallucinatory adventures. Divinity 36 by Gail Carriger was a book I’d preordered, my first ever preorder, I believe. It came in June so that was probably my favorite read. Carriger is a favorite author of mine, awesome steampunk, paranormal romance with lots of wonderful LGTBQ+ representations throughout her work.

I did fit in one non-fiction read and while it didn’t always hit on the specific page the overall message of The Four Agreements was quite good and deeply felt.

The books I finished this month:

The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. Our world, culture, and childhood environment give us premade and often unintentionally hurtful self agreements. We are domesticated into this way. The four agreements are new ones that in undertaking allow us to live a happier, intentional life in service to both ourselves and others. And what I like most is that it isn’t a quick fix, make the agreement and you are done. It is a process that takes practice and agreeing to them over and over again.

Divinity 36, Tinkered Starsong 1, by Gail Carriger. Oh, Gail, you’ve done it again. I love this book so dearly. I finished it in less than a day. Nearly took off from work to read it the moment it arrived in the mail but managed to wrangle myself to wait until the workday was done. The aliens, the atmosphere, the expansiveness. This is my first science fiction from her and I was not disappointed in the least. The main character is a bit of a hard nut to crack but, really, such a softie. Cannot wait to read more in the series. Will be waiting on that preorder with much excite!

A Study in Darkness and A Study in Ashes, The Baskerville Affair 2 & 3, by Emma Jane Holloway. I was itching for some more steampunk and found that once I’d picked up and finished book 2 I couldn’t simply stop there. I needed to know how the series ended. Both I finished back to back in a couple weeks, I think. Evalina is still going even having been knocked back on many fronts. The end is wonderful if bittersweet in some regards. I loved all of the final take downs of the series bads, very cathartic…and in some cases, oh, oh my, as well.

Night Shift a short story collection with stories by Nalini Singh, Ilona Andrews, Lisa Shearin, and Milla Vane. I’ve got one word for you, Steamy. So if paranormal or fantasy romance isn’t your thing, you may want to move along. And oh wow some of these stories were STEAMY. Mmmh.

Incarceron, Incarceron 1, by Catherine Fisher. A fun, quick read with some great twists. A prison that has been closed off for hundreds of years and is supposedly self sustaining. Thoughts on what it actually is differ between those within and those without. For some it is hope for humanity, for others it is a living nightmare. Then those worlds begin to collide. I was quite intrigued and would read more in the series.

Cardassia and Andor, Worlds of Star Trek Deep Space Nine 1, two novellas by Una McCormack and Heather Jarman. Getting back on the Star Trek novels train and I did enjoy both novellas. The first was good, the second while frustrating at times was even better.