Rachel L. Saunders's Blog, page 3

Validating Your Feelings

I have found, and seen, read, heard, that validating your feelings, validating yourself is an integral part of healing. It is especially helpful if you’ve not been given to self trust due to religious upbringing, overbearing parent, or other early life experiences that robbed you of feeling worthy of trust.

I’m not a therapist, or a licensed professional, so please, take this as what it is: my own experiences and thoughts on the matter.

To write this post I’ve had to deal with a lot of feelings surrounding both this specific post and my blog in general. I’ve been through a few iterations of the post and have had to work through and validate my feelings before I’ve been able to move forward and find my way here.

Validation, what does that look like?

For me it starts with simply sitting with what I’m feeling, whether or not I understand what that is. I am not good at this. Just this last week a huge overwhelming whirlwind of emotions assaulted me with no clues as to why or from where. What did I do? Tried to external process my way through them without giving them space to be felt. Once I sat with them, felt them, and, yes, cried and sobbed, they moved through and I felt less overwhelmed and confused.

I guess that before all of the sitting with the feelings you probably should be able to notice when things are starting to dysregulate. I am still a beginner at this, too. The feelings storm this last week really came out of the blue and I was slow to realize that anything was wrong. Some of that was my stubbornness, just push past them and they will go away. When really they just get bottled to come out later.

Once you are feeling them and allowing them space, then is when I’ve found that a bit of processing them can be of use. For me that looks like figuring out how old I’m feeling within the feelings because certain parts of me from different ages can get triggered. Sometimes while my adult self is confused because to their perspective all is fine, what are these emotions we are feeling?

Remember the umbrella? When I was grieving with my inner child she needed to be validated. Her feelings were way out of proportion with the situation but that was not the issue. She’d never truly been validated for those feelings and thus they held on and got triggered when similar things happened. This is why I find aging myself in those feelings so important.

In the case of my inner child she doesn’t feel so keen on my mom a lot of the time. Adult me has done a lot of work and is on decent terms with my mom. It wasn’t until I understood that the different parts of me could feel differently and that was often a huge chunk of the confusion of feelings that I understood the importance of validating all of my selves. We not only need to validate ourselves here and now but also to validate our past selves for what they were feeling that became a wound rather than healing through acceptance and validation.

Processing and validating the emotions isn’t a one time deal either, you will need to keep doing it again and again. Eventually, hopefully it will become less intense. But especially feelings triggered by old hurts take a lot of validation work.

I know it may go against individualistic mindsets but I also think that validation can, and sometimes should, in small parts, come from those we love. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling the need to be isolated, because I felt different, because of lack of trust, but I’ve come to embrace that we need community in our lives. Humans are social. Doesn’t mean that it has to be a big community but someone, at least, to help validate you when you cannot. To help you find your way towards self validation.

Because sometimes the feelings are too massive, too ugly, too much for you to even start to find room for them, to feel them. Self validation is still important for healing but it doesn’t always come first. The support, love and validation of others is important too.

Simply hearing my hubs say that it is ok for me to feel whatever madness is happening has released many knots in my self, allowed me to rest easier and eventually find room to self validate. Hearing that a friend has similar moments makes me feel less alone and more able to look at and validate my own feelings. We need our people. And they need us.

Whatever your feeling, however your feeling is important and if you are like me, you may have some past trauma and invalidated feelings that make current moments especially interesting at times. Learning to accept, welcome, and validate my feelings has been a huge help in finding peace in myself and in the world I inhabit. I hope you can find yours too.

PS. My stickers have arrived! I wouldn't have gotten here, to having stickers ordered and plans to make Etsy shop listings to sell them without validation of feelings. Truly. I still find it strange how connected everything is and yet holistic creativity has been a great joy on my journey. It allows for everything in my life to become a part of my creative process, as it should be. Ahh, I'm so happy with how the stickers turned out! Stay posted for listing announcements, hopefully soon!

The Nuance of Embracing Self Trust

Sitting in my office, struggling to write about the self trust I’m finding slowly day by day. Feeling like I want to get it right, no, perfect, the first time I put words on the page. Knowing that I will not. Embracing that I trust myself to say it the way I need to say it. Even if it is messy, weird and full of typos.

Trust is something I’ve not had very much of in the past. In years gone I might have scrapped this whole blog idea and called a break for the week because it wasn’t flowing well at first. But that is not this day! Or, more accurately, that is not tomorrow, when this will be published!

In recent years it has come to my attention, slowly, painfully that the issues I have with trust in general likely stem from my lack of self trust. Ouch! And, I’d honestly thought that I’d been good at trusting myself. Turns out, the answer was a big, hurts-in-the-childhood kind of thing. Why does it always have to be the childhood?

I’ve touched on the ways in which religion gave me ample reasons to distrust everything about myself in My God or Yours? And there are sprinklings of how growing up my main parent seemed insistent that theirs was the only right way to be throughout quite a few of my blog posts.

But the lack of self trust doesn’t end there. I’ve been domesticated to this state of self doubt and have been perpetuating it to myself through many quiet, insidious means. For a time I did rebel. But finally, in my mid to late twenties my inner rebel teen couldn’t keep pushing back against the tidal wave that is the early teachings of self doubt come to swamp me, threatening to drown out a life in which I’ve managed to find joy.

Somehow, even amidst all of that stacked against me I’ve managed to make a life for myself. I’ve managed to help myself to a better space in both body and mind. I’ve allowed myself to trust others. And yet, I still struggle to find reasons to trust myself. Even with everything good I’ve done for myself I still cannot see why that matters when I wasn’t taught self trust. If no one in my early life truly showed me, and meant it (believe me I could feel whether they meant it) that I was to be trusted how could I find that self trust now.

Slowly, carefully, in a place where I feel seen, heard, and loved. Even when I fuck up. Even when I’m angry and a pain to be around. Being in a space where I am safe to be everything I am. All the bits that were too messy, too much or too different are welcome to come out to play. In a place with people who show me love and acceptance even when they see the parts of me I’ve hidden. Even the parts of me I’ve hidden from myself.

Self trust starts with feeling safe and accepted where you are at. No pressure to change, no pressure to be better, no pressure to stop doing this or that. Full acceptance filled with love and support. Because those that lack self trust are full of reasons not to trust themselves. We do not need more fodder for that fire, truly!

Fixing isn’t the goal. Holding space and welcome is.

And I’ve found myself in that space, with my hubs. I know it may sound cheesy but he’s the best choice I’ve ever made, honest. Because of his support I’m finding and trusting myself. And I know that I, in my own way, am doing the same for him. Relationships are a two way street and require effort. They are nothing except what you put into them and we’ve both put in a lot of love.

Self trust also feels very nuanced to me. Somedays it looks like asking to be heard when I have something important to externalize. Trusting that I’m allowed to ask for that space. Other days it looks not letting my brain overanalyze every little word and interaction I had with a friend or friends while hanging out. Trusting that they know they can and will tell me what is really on their minds.

The biggest, most terrifying thing, is that self trust underpins my ability to truly trust others. To truly be available to others in an intentional way. In the way I’d like to be available. The way I’d love to be available to myself. Self trust is the bridge to starting an art business, to following my dreams, and to finding my joy more deeply. It is the key to a full and happy existence.

It isn’t going to be all rainbows and sunshine, though. As much as I’d wish for self doubt to be a thing of the past, it will strike again. But balanced with self trust it will hopefully not wreak havoc like it use to.

PS. I finished this little dude recently, I’d left him as an exhausted little cat-octopus back in February but finally found the inspiration to get the finished piece I wanted. Mainly it had been the texture of octopus skin. I hadn’t known how I wanted to handle that and got distracted by other projects. The more I work on trusting myself the more art I am actually able to start and finish. And even set aside for a time knowing I could come back to finish it, or even abandon it entirely. That doesn’t mean that I’m not an artist, just means that I’m going with the creativity flow and embracing the chaos a bit more.

Finding That Artistic Sweet Spot between Order and Chaos

My life has been a lot about order and structure. Things that make sense. That are easily broken into smaller parts that make the larger part work. Organization, the name of the game. At the detriment of exploring art.

I couldn’t tell you if it was because of the chaos I felt inside, or the lack of security I felt in myself. But I imposed structure and order upon myself in great measures. Even as an early adult I would have massive internal trouble if something didn’t go the way I expected, wanted, or needed it to. Everything could become “no” suddenly and without warning.

The true beauty of a chaotic and messy existence was left unseen because everything about it triggered stress. Crippling, fear-ridden stress.

And there is such wonder in the chaos and mess of really living life.

And in art, there is a wonderfully sweet spot for artistry, creativity and joy in between order and chaos.

But you must move towards the chaos first…

An old lesson and a good lesson is that we cannot get better without first trying and making mistakes. But somehow the concept of mistakes have become very negative. We beat ourselves up for the mistakes rather than taking a lesson, getting back up, and trying again.

Or, in art, as Bob Ross says, “there are no mistakes, just happy accidents.” Which I have always tried to take in the spirit of using the “mistake” as an opportunity to pivot and take a different path to a finished piece than I’d intended.

I get it, it’s not easy. The struggle is so very real.

But I think I’ve figured out my formula, in looking both at successful projects and abandoned ones.

Recently I participated in a “draw this in your style,” dtiys, challenge on Instagram. It was super fun until I realized after finishing that I might have made a faux pas in not understanding that there might have been more unspoken rules for a dtiys challenge. I panicked and stressed…for nothing, honestly. I mean really, I did the project as I wanted, if the artist had been upset by it all I could have done was apologize. Everything was ok, though!

Around the same time I had a conversation with the hubs about art projects for his books. There has been a lack of motivation on my part for certain projects and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. A lot of my other personal projects I’ve loved and finished in a day or days. Others have been abandoned and every time I think about them I stress. I’d love to finish them but the magic isn’t there.

And that got me thinking, what is the best formula or recipe for success when it comes to art projects?

The projects I’ve loved and couldn’t wait to work on had something special. They had structure and order but they also had chaos and mess. They were only partially defined. The art brief needed to be specific enough to get me a solid direction but not so defined that I’m locked into one small path.

For the dtiys piece, there was the general layout and composition in the original piece by Queer Snail and the room to “go nuts” as it were with the execution of the piece. The key details were obviously the flowers and ghosts. The flowers looked like tulips so I looked up a bunch of pictures to amalgamate some key features and off I went. The ghosts were easier, just did some sketches and followed my heart.

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This project and the more visible structured chaos gave me new eyes with which to see my less successful attempts at some of the hubs’ book related projects. Visuals have always been a necessary part of my art ideation, and that was something I was able to have the hubs provide in the 3D art he makes. The struggle is that I felt like I had to produce something that matched the provided visuals as exactly as I could manage. Not fun for me, I’ve discovered. There is too much stress that pushes me towards perfectionism. Which apparently equals abandoning the project.

So here’s the artwork success equation: source art or inspiration image + enough key details for finding varied images with which to create an original amalgamation = happy artist and finished project.

I really, truly want to be able to bring characters from the hubs’ books to life in my art. I’m hoping that this formula is moving in the right direction.

I’ve definitely struggled to move towards chaos but the more I do the happier I’ve found myself and the more art I’ve created, much by embracing happy accidents along the way. Accepting that there is room for a little, or even a lot of, chaos in my life. Especially in my art.

Now it is your turn, what is the best way to find joy in your creative projects? Let me know in the comments!

May | How It Went

Hey! Hope y’all have had a great month, and I’m rooting for some slow but steady goal crushing having happened!

For me, May has been a busy month. For those that don’t know, I do cover design, typesetting, and first reads for my husband’s books. The end of May was the release of his most recent book, Sanctuary of Shrouds, eighth in Future’s Birth, a fantasy series (check that out here!). So in that vein there was prepping the typeset files and the final cover files for production. And, since we are planning to release the ninth and final book in the series in late August, I’ve been reading through that and giving the hubs some feedback. I've also been working on the art for the final cover. I’m very excited for it to make its way out into the world! It is an ending I’ve been hearing bits and pieces about for years and it’s been fun to finally read it! Here is a sneak peek at the cover art for book nine:

In the personal sphere, with spring having sprung in Oregon, there has been an uptick in social happenings. It’s been simultaneously wonderful and overwhelming. I love people, and people are exhausting. I’m still learning what boundaries, processes, and self care I need in place so that I can spend intentional time with those I love.

Novel Writing

Sadly, this went nowhere this month. I only have so much focus and have had to be honest with myself that the art and art business has been more my priority. I am feeling some better interest and potential ability for pursuing my novel brewing, though.

Also, there seems to be this necessary step of reconnecting with my inner child happening that is, in my mind, directly tied to my writing. Most specifically to my creative writing. I’ve been very reticent to allow myself the room to play with words. And, while I know that practice is such an integral step, this time to see, validate, and love my inner child so that I can begin to integrate her playful, free spirit into my writing is vitally important to me. The time it takes for me to do things is on my timeline and my schedule. It will take what it takes.

Artwork and Art Business

As some of you noticed, I did a poll on my Instagram recently. I have enough cute sticker ideas that I can’t make all of them right away so I wanted you to help me decide. And I’ve made an order this last week for the designs that won. There was a tie on one poll set so I decided to do both! There will be four sticker designs coming that I’ll announce hopefully soon. I’m so excited!

These are the winners, the first two were a tie, all ready for 3" stickers!

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I’m not sure how I’ll list them yet, that debate is still on going in my brain. To use Etsy, to use my own website, to go rogue and do something else entirely. I do not know. Hopefully that will become clearer when I have stickers to sell!

I keep learning that it doesn’t have to be all figured out first. Honestly I will not get started if I’m stuck trying to figure it all out first so I’ve been pushing on ahead and pulling things together as I go. So far so good!

I finished my first official commission this month, while I cannot share yet since the entirety of the project it was a part of is still in progress, I can say that I’m happy to have made an awesome fantasy map. I’m excited to share with y’all soon! Hopefully next month.

If you are interested in working with me you can check out my commissions page here.

Blog

This, I think, has been my longest consistent blog posting endeavor since I started this. The blog is starting to find it’s deeper purpose and I’m quite happy to see how far I’ve come. Excited to see what comes in the future.

A piece I’d been missing, or likely simply hadn’t seen earlier on, is that you, dear reader, are just as important to my brand as I am. It is kind of hard to accept sometimes as someone who is trying to take better care of themselves after years of people pleasing. Yes, I want to support others and I have a large chip on my shoulder for all the care and love that I gave rather than received. Was told or intuited that I wasn’t supposed to receive. I’m learning how to receive as much as I am learning to give with better, whole-hearted intentions.

So, this last month was back burner percolating how to start striving more fully towards bringing whole-hearted, enthusiastic and, for me, most importantly, holistic creativity more fully to this blogging endeavor.

It is fun, loud, messy, and so much chaos. It is how I am trying to live and share that our creativity is more than doing something creative, it lives and breaths throughout our life, mind, body, and soul. It is all parts of us.

Reading

It was a muuuuch slower reading month for me in May, I finished 4 books, one being an audiobook. And that was it. In the past I’d be concerned that something was wrong. It has been an indication of my mental health in the past but these days I’m thriving a lot more and choosing to do more things that interest me so reading is not my number on priority, generally.

The books I finished this month:

Gamechanger, The Bounceback 1, by L. X. Beckett. I enjoyed the futuristic sci-fi aspect of the book and the threads of details and mysteries that were brought to light through out the book. The writing was somewhat jarring at times but mainly at the beginning when I was acclimating to the author’s style. It was a good story and I may read more in the series if I find them, though I may not go way out of my way for it.

Archangel Protocol, LINK Angel 1, by Lyda Morehouse. I wanted to like parts of this book but, no. I debated whether to include this in my list even. Though I finished the book, I skimmed the last quarter or so. I was hoping for the subject to be better handled and it was somewhat promising in the beginning but I agree with some of the other reviews that this wasn’t as well executed as it needed to be for the subject matter. And, full disclosure, being still in an often strange space about religious things in my ongoing deconstruction there was some definite huge personal issues that likely kept me from enjoying it as well.

Agatha H and the Airship City, Girl Genius 1, by Phil and Kaja Foglio. This was such a fun ride! I had some trouble with the point of view seeming to be a bit omnipresent at confusing times but that did not deter my enjoyment of this wonderful steampunk book. The world is rich and full of great details, giving you a good sense of things while leaving room for imagination. I will definitely be looking for more. I want to know what happens next!

Tracker, Rylee Adamson 6, by Shannon Mayer. I do love me some paranormal romance and this has been a fun series to listen to. It isn’t something that I’m super invested in following closely but the characters are interesting and the story engaging. I took a long break between the last book and this one but was able to pick this up and not have too much trouble.

Beginning Where You Are

Have you ever gotten excited about an idea but over the course of thinking it through you realize you aren’t there yet and couldn’t possibly do that? What if that is because you are thinking of the “perfect” or “ideal” version of that idea? What if you could start right where you are?

Wouldn’t that be great? Nice to say, harder to do. And, honestly, it takes a lot of self awareness. We cannot do things well or even remotely perfectly the first go around. To make things happen they actually need to be pursued. Steps must be made in order to get things moving in the right direction.

So, what are the things that are getting in your way?

For me it has been this idea that, deep down, I’m not the type of person who can make this art business happen. I’m not creative enough, I’m not invested enough, I don’t have enough time. On and on. Technically this may all be true. And yet, looking at the reasons makes me see the fear behind every false start. Every idea turned to disappointment.

Turns out I was often thinking about what the level ten version of selling my art would look like. Really disheartening if you are only at negative art business levels, right? I don’t have a business plan, the fancy kind that business school is supposed to teach you…or at least that is what I suppose it should be. I don’t have a lot of customers, or a lot of engagement on my socials.

All valid and technically important concerns but how do I start now…where I am at. Let’s look at what I do have.

What I do have is creativity and investment. The healthy level of investment that doesn’t burn me out, or so I hope. The balance is hard to strike. I also have drive. I may not have all the time in the world to invest in selling my art but I am finding small ways to move towards it that are sustainable.

Starting where you are requires you to see the level at which you are at and make reasonable, realistic goals that match that level. It doesn’t mean that you are letting go of your dreams of that higher level, simply building a basis on which to then build that future level.

So, realistically, I don’t have the customer base to really make a print on demand work well right away. Realistically it seems to make more sense for me to start small, maybe with stickers. Buy them myself and see who out there has any interest. Use the envelopes and stamps I’ve got to start filling the orders I hope to see. It is a smaller investment than the unexpectedly grand ideas I had in my head and much more realistic.

Beginning where you are may sound simple but we tend to overcomplicate things with our grandiose ideas, expecting that those will be our immediate reality. I hate to break it to you, it most definitely will not be. There will be days when all you do is think about the next steps. And that is ok.

Rest is important, little steps are important. Big steps are good, but way less important than the small things. All the small things are where the magic tends to happen. The stories that make it look like overnight success happens are lies, or at the very least, not the norm. Lots of work, and lots of rest and self care go into making the dream happen. A holistic approach will get you further than burning yourself out, pushing through on anxiety and stress as fuel.

I’m working on that last bit. I’ve found that I’m very very good at motivating myself with anxiety. I’m a chronic procrastinator. I’m trying to learn better ways to motivate myself and work with my brain and body. Listening rather than barreling on through, ignoring whatever they are communicating about my physical and mental states.

So, what is holding you back? What can you do to start where you are at?

PS. The roses are blooming! I may not be much of an outdoors person but I love seeing my flowers blooming. To be honest I’m happy to see even just a few bloom but this year I’ve got even more than the last year. I must be doing something right…and that seems to be mainly leaving them to their own devices, lol. They seem to thrive unattended through the hot late spring and early summer days. The most I’ve done was cut them back to about two foot tall in the fall a couple years back. In a way I’m still starting where I’m at with my green thumb. I’m learning how to care for the plants I’ve got, and I’m grateful that they seem to be very hardy and happy without a lot of maintenance.

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The Exhaustion of Peopling

Peopling is exhausting. Even with the people I know and love. Even with the people I’ve chosen as my found family.

This last couple weeks has felt like a lot, in this respect. It’s all I can do to not compare and belittle my feelings of overwhelm. Especially since I even enjoyed most of my peopling outings. But I’m tired y’all. I don’t want to do anything but read and game. So I’ll be brief.

With the research I’ve done into neurodivergent people I know that I’m not alone. But because I used to be much better at being ‘normal’ I get this sense that I’m just making it up or somehow I’m pretending even to myself. It can’t really be as bad as it feels, surely.

And that’s my inner critic, using my mom’s voice. Because there was always this chance that if I’d just power through, maybe it would be ok, maybe I’d enjoy myself. Just give it a little longer, you like this, or that.

And the worst part was the truth of it…sometimes. Because it can sometimes be true, always. But that doesn’t mean that you should lie to yourself and put yourself through the wringer just for that sometimes truth. It makes your truth in the thick of the slog feel less real, less important. It’s gaslighting yourself in the worst moments.

So let’s not do that, let’s allow ourselves to be who and what we are.

I know, easier said than done! I’m here rooting for you, take care of yourself

PS. Some pics of the succulents my mom got me for Mother’s Day. Another close relative of ours is also child-free and has shared how the day can feel kinda weird so my mom got me something thoughtful to help combat that. We’ve had a complicated relationship over the years, better in my adulthood. But my inner child is still distrustful. This gift was something that I don’t quite have the words for what it meant to her. She really felt seen by a mom that, in childhood, didn’t seem to see her. My mom may have done a lot right raising us kids and still, unfortunately, missed the mark in some places. There is healing happening as I bring my inner child back into myself.

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Intentionally Child-Free on Mother’s Day

What do we celebrate on Mother’s Day? Mothers, of course. But what makes one a mother? Does it have to be the physical act of bringing a new life into this world? I would encourage that that is not the only way to be a mother, and that children, borne or chosen, or even pets are not the only way to give life or nurture those around us as ‘mothers.’

There are those of us who have chosen a child-free life, and from my perspective, it does feel limiting that by this choice we can feel excluded from a celebration of life-givers simply because we’ve chosen not to use our physical capacity to bear life into this world.

What if our ideas, our creations, our gifts can be seen as bringing life, of nurturing?

Me and the hubs do semi-seriously joke that our creations, my art and his books, are our children. Sure they can, in many ways, be less tangible than a child. But they are still our legacy, what we are giving to the world. We may not have a lot of reach, but often children don’t really either, in the whole scheme of life and our world.

And I do hope that what I am bringing into the world is something that gives life, that nurtures those that it finds.

I also understand that some may disagree, saying that my ability to bear children as my legacy should be more important than a creative legacy, and they can keep that opinion, mine is also valid, though. And, I would like to believe that a woman is not her ability to have children. There are those that cannot, not having made the choice against as I have. And that sucks. They have so much love to give, and they are denied the natural option.

And Mother’s day can be hard, for many women, for many reasons. And while I know of the struggles of some, I know intimately my own struggles. The feelings of being left out when, in a way, I was taught that Mother’s Day was going to be for me. No question that I’d definitely have my own kids.

It is a weird kind of sadness and grief because it is directly a product of my decision, and I wouldn’t change that decision for the world. I know I chose well for me. And I struggle to not feel left out when my friends are having kids and when Mother’s Day rolls around.

It is a reminder that I have chosen a different, possibly harder in some ways, path. It is a sadness and grief that feels hard to share because I chose this. And yet it still exists.

So, I love seeing others talking about the other ways in which we, as women who have chosen no children, can be life-giving and nurturing. How we are still women even without the expected physical legacy that children bring. We, too, can bring joy and love to the world. Just in a different way.

And, this is not to say that mothers cannot do this in addition to their gift of children. There are so many amazing moms out there that give so much and nurture and give life to so many more than their own children. It is in our nature, as women, I think to nurture. We just don’t all do it in the same way. And that must be acknowledged. It must be welcomed. It must be shared so that none of us feel alone in what we cannot or chose not to do. So that we don’t feel alone. Period.

So, to all the women out there, Happy Mother’s Day! Let’s celebrate all the ways in which we nurture and bring life to others. You are doing great, exactly where you are, exactly how you’ve landed. Hugs all around

PS. Here is a digital painting I did of some plastic flowers I saw at a house in our neighborhood. I definitely didn't know that they were plastic until a friend did some sleuthing and now I feel silly for not having seen it before lol. Still, I made some art and it looks great so I don't know that I care that I got bamboozled by pretty plastic flowers. Original image below the art, I really should have known but I wanted to believe they were real, I think.

April | How It Went

Well, April did happen, somehow. And progress was made, again, somehow.

Life often surprises me in the ways in which it actually happens. I have all of these plans and ideas for how I think or would like for it to be and, well, truthfully, they never survive contact with reality. I am learning to embrace the chaos, as I’ve mentioned, once or twice before. Which is part of the holistic creativity I’ve come to embrace. And a huge part of learning to work with my brain instead of against it.

I am also still learning to see progress in the small things, the seemingly insignificant things that are needed to complete things. And, that beginning where I am, with what I have is better than waiting until I’ve sorted everything out perfectly. Obviously certain things do need sorting but a lot can be built up along the journey rather than in preparation for the journey.

Novel Writing

In April I ended up focusing on starting an art shop so writing, especially my novel, kinda took a back seat.

I think I’ve come to a better understanding of writing character and story, and have let what I’ve been learned sink in but I’m still troubled by actually writing. Partly I’m busy with many other things and partly I cannot manage to find the correct interest in actually putting words to page…which is kind of important to the whole novel writing thing.

So, while I did take a brief stab at putting some words down, there wasn’t a lot happening on the book front this last month.

Artwork

New artwork has been a bit few and far between. April was spent with more focus to updating my website and starting work on setting up a shop.

With my deactivation of my Society 6 shop I was planning to add a shop directly to my site but that didn’t quite go to plan. I do want to move that forward later this year, though. What I did add was some art commission info, here, since I’ve had a few interested parties, and a links landing page, here, for people coming from social media, like a link tree but actually on my website (thanks to Eva Couto for the idea!).

I’m very happy with the look and have been tentatively working through some ways to share more on the socials in a more sustainable (for me) ways.

With the shop idea I’ve been working on making old and new art pieces into some super cute stickers. Technically I do have an Etsy shop up…with one sticker so far. I’m not quite happy with the way it is listed though. Print on demand services vs ordering things and shipping them yourself have a lot of nuance to figure out and I’m trying to figure that out on the fly.

In a way I think it was realizing that it was Easter and actually wanting to draw an Easter bunny that most actively brought me to the selling stickers idea. I did sketch an Easter bunny, wasn’t happy with it until I added some personal touches to the art: a witch hat and changing the paint designs on the egg it was holding to a cauldron. Here is the progress of the Bun Witch, who brings all the little bunnies magical painted eggs:

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Also updated my logo, which has yet to make it onto the site in an official capacity since it was a later item I worked on, after I'd updated my website earlier in the month:

Blog

Writing the blog has been barely happening of late. By which I mean that I’ve been unable to get anything written much ahead of time this last month. I’ve been letting it go until right up against the deadline of Sunday mornings. But it is still happening, for which I am happy enough.

I’m hoping to make a better effort this month…we’ll see how it goes, lol. Guess what day it is as I’m writing this…

Reading Books (even less so) Buying ALL the Books

I love reading, and I have a lot less time to focus on it these days. I’ve planned for that this year, though. I may be waaay ahead on my reading goal for the year but that is a heavily reduced goal from previous years. I’ve been proud of myself to better balance reading with the other things that interest me and that I’d really like to put some effort towards.

The books I finished this month:

Unfuck Your Brain: Getting Over Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Freak-Outs, and Triggers with Science, Faith G Harper - The hubs and I read through this together, it was insightful, though more of an overview. It really brings a down-to-earth voice to mental health, making it far easier to understand the brain processes and why it does what it does in the face of trauma. Bonus is that it is published by a local (to our state) publishing house!

Grey Sister and Holy Sister, Book of the Ancestor 2 & 3, Mark Lawrence - I finally picked up the last books of this series. The first of which we found thrift shopping. I was so invested in finishing the story that I had to pick up the third and final book of the series immediately after the second. A wonderfully unique fantasy/sci-fi mash up in a world that is dark yet hopeful.

The Lost Metal, Mistborn 7, Second Era 4, Brandon Sanderson - Sanderson did it again, told a beautifully complex story that was just wonderful. I love Wax and Wayne but this book my favorite character was Steris. Wayne was a close second, and I loved that we got more about his backstory, too! I now need to read more of the rest of Sanderson’s Cosmere books, Stormlight Archives may be next, we’ll see.

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity, Devon Price - I’m having difficulty condensing my interests in this book, which are rather complex. I’m curious for curiosity’s sake, and for my own sake. I’ve been doing a lot of neurodivergent research since I have a family member diagnosed with ADHD. I do not have any diagnosis myself, officially. Personally I’m exploring both ADHD and Autism. Regardless of what conclusion I will make I’ve found it very, very useful, helpful, and healing to hear other’s talk about their lived experiences. This book does that and talks a bit about the history and the research. About masking and how you might unmask. I have found it useful and insightful.

Hey, Are You Resting?

Hey, you, are you taking time to rest? To relax and play?

Rest is such an integral part of holistic creativity, and simply being human.

I know it isn’t always easy to do and life can really get in the way of such an important act. Sometimes in the form of personal task, work, or even items we want to do but that don’t feel restful in our current state of mind.

And, sometimes, you end up resting but it is forced by mind and/or body and that underlying thread of “have to” can really make it hard to settle into and enjoy properly. Anxiety closes in around the edges and the things that are not happening make a mockery of your rest and your inability to do much.

I’ve definitely been there this last week. To the point that mentally the heels are dug in and there is no way in hell that any of my plans outside of my 9-5 job work are happening. And I really wanted to work on some things for myself.

This is the kind of rest that looks at what you have planned and laughs. It sees doing things as a threat. Which leaves you with anxiety about doing the thing, and anxiety about it not getting done. Fun!

But really, rest, even forced rest can be good. We need to rest, relax and play. It just so happens that sometimes our minds and/or bodies decide for us that the rest is happening. And that should probably be an indication that we need to listen to what our bodies and minds are telling us when we cannot do things.

That is the way I’ve been trying to look at this last week. What am I trying to tell myself. My busybody planner is well-meaning and still tends to overcommit my schedule with things that simply will not happen, even when I want them to. This week as no different on that front. Though it was different in other ways.

I needed to give myself grace because taking a week off the week prior meant that work would be twice as stressful as usual. And the allowance for that needed to be acknowledged. And, to be honest, I didn’t. Sometimes the transition from vacation back to work makes it hard to see the limitations, the honesty that is needed.

Likely I should have planned to rest, given myself the permission to rest from the beginning of the week. But that feels wrong, somehow. Like I’m not supposed to plan for rest, relaxation or play during my first week back at work after some time off. The already experienced time of rest somehow negates the very real need of further rest.

This post is being written on the day that I plan to post it…that is how much personal to do things got thrown off this week. Every time I considered sitting down to write I legitimately could not. There was stress on either end of the equation but rest allowed for the outs of scrolling mindlessly on my phone or reading a book so that won out. And, to be completely honest, there was way more phone scrolling than reading. Much to my annoyance.

But I am also learning that sometimes the overwhelm hides itself as the phone scrolling, as doing something mindless. I need to look for the ways in which I’m avoiding my overwhelm so that I can sit with it and make rest a priority to help mitigate such overwhelm. It is hard though when it still seems such a mystery, at times, what puts me into that overwhelmed state.

So, I will ask again, are you resting? Allowing yourself the permission to relax, to be honest with yourself when you need to rest? I know it is hard when everyday we are comparing ourselves to those who seem to effortlessly keep soldiering on. It doesn’t have to be you. You likely have different levels of tolerance for the things in life, and it is encouraged that you listen to yourself, your mind, your body on the matter. Contrary to popular belief not everyone needs to have the same tolerances for the same things.

We are all wonderfully individual, yet connected, so please take time to rest when you need. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else feel better able to be making their own call to rest. Let us be the change we would love to see in the world.

PS. I did make some art recently, based on this first piece that is still WIP. I am very happy that the creation of things does seem to take a lot less stress and anxiety, when I am not needing to rest, of course. I also thought is was appropriate since meditation is considered by some a form or rest. Below is Allie meditating and trying to center herself so that she can control her dark power more fully. The sketch I made more recently, below the WIP painting, is for the back cover of my hub's next book release.

What Makes It Yours?

Continuing the journey beyond finding your why. How are you different? What makes your brand, your art, your creations yours? What makes them uniquely a product of your doing?

Maybe your why informs the how. Maybe not so much. Again, there isn’t some magical “right” answer. And that is the rub, sometimes. I know I’d love to have a ready-made road map to a lot of things, branding included. But that just isn’t really possible. There can be a guide and a map but finding the roads and the direction, that is our job. Or at the very least something that comes from us.

Following someone else’s plan will only get you so far. At least, that is what I’ve found. You cannot even go half the distance if you do not have stakes in the plan. Either that or you will burn yourself out trying to achieve something not built for you. If you do not feel it in your gut, your bones, or wherever you feel such things, maybe it is time to reassess.

This is why I’ve found it important to not only search out your why but to also look inward to see how you are different. Or if that doesn’t sit well with you, since, let’s be real, nothing is truly entirely unique, search out what makes it yours. What are the things, details, concepts that make it yours.

I appreciate the second consideration because I don’t know that I feel completely comfortable saying that no one else has or does consider what I’ve come to see as a core part of my brand. Honestly I’m sure others have, and will.

I finally put a finger on what makes my brand mine while I was settling in to sleep the other night. It finally dawned on me that I appreciate a holistic approach to creativity. Creativity doesn’t happen in a vacuum and neither does life. Every part of us and our health, both mental and physical, are tied to our creativity.

You might say that that just gives me license to keep doing ALL the things without dialing into just one thing. And you might be right. But I would ask you, why do we have to do things exactly how we’ve always done them or how we are told to do them? This has been a question I’ve had a long time.

Especially when sticking to just one thing can get monotonous and boring.

For me embracing holistic creativity looks like taking time for everything that makes me human, everything that gives life, and sometimes, with grudging acceptance, the hard things. Which also gives so much more to creativity.

It is why mental health is such an important topic and why productivity isn’t necessarily a top priority.

The allowance for the messy, chaotic parts of life that don’t really fit into a neat, sanitized box gives freedom to be your whole, weird, true self. And that is something that I want to encourage in my writing and my art. My brand is full of organized chaos and holistic creativity that roots deeply in mental health, healing and finding joy in the present moment.

So, what makes you different, or what makes your art, creation, or brand truly yours?

I’d love to hear about your journey, comment below or message me!