Talena Winters's Blog, page 8

Still

“Be still and know that I am God.”

— Psalm 46:10

Stillness isn’t something that comes naturally to me.

In fact, of all the lessons I continue to relearn during all the multiple and sundry tumultuous events of my life, the one that I forget most quickly is the value of stillness. Of just sitting and thinking and being open to what God would have me hear.

I think that’s why blogging and journaling have become such important practices for me. They are doing, but in order to do them, first I must sit in stillness and reflect. And often the processing happens through my fingers instead of in my thoughts, and I look back at what I’ve written in amazement and surprise.

They are the habits that break through my circling thoughts of musts and shoulds and need tos. And they do it in a constructive way, not in an I’m-too-exhausted-to-function way. By writing, I find that place of stillness in my heart.

On Saturday, our family went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. And it wrecked me in the best ways, as well as a few difficult ones.

To those who know that Chadwick Boseman, the star of the first Black Panther, died before they made this one, it will be no surprise (and no spoiler) that the theme of the movie is grief. It was beautifully handled, and made all the more poignant when one looks at the movie not only as the requiem of the character of King T’Challa, but also of the brilliant actor who brought him to life in our hearts and who was taken from this world too soon.

More than that, though, the movie was a gorgeous fantasy epic in every sense of the word, featuring strong women handling world-threatening problems while dealing with immense grief, and handling them as women would.

It was a fantastic movie, and I came away from it hoping to write something so wonderfully executed someday.

We went to the Saturday afternoon matinee. After weeping for a good chunk of the movie, it left me with a lot to think about and process.

(Incidentally, we went to the movie for Jabin’s birthday party—he’s turning seventeen today—and he emerged from the theatre declaring it his new favourite movie in the entire Marvel universe. So they didn’t just hit the right notes for me, but for my teenage son. That’s an amazing feat.)

At one point, Princess Shuri (King T’Challa’s sister) is advised to “grieve according the traditions of her people, but don’t lose yourself in your technology.” Like many scientists, she doesn’t believe in the spiritual traditions of her people, and her journey through the movie is from the frantic search for a technological solution to the problems that face her that she believes only she can devise (an outward accomplishment-based solution) through a spiritual awakening to the inner stillness she needs to go forward in true peace and confidence.

Wow, does that ever resonate with my experience with grief.

After Levi died, I came to recognize that grief is one of the most potent tools God has for bringing us closer to him… but we have to choose to accept that invitation to closeness. For me and my dependence on busy-ness, moments of grief stop me in my tracks and almost force me to sit in stillness long enough to face the things I’m using my activity to hide from: my own insecurities and belief that I’m not enough all on my own.

We are all the sum of the stories we believe. Which is why I so often quote Muriel Rukeyser’s quip “The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.” The Enneagram helps us see those stories clearly, maybe for the first time. But I’ve been learning about the stories I believe for years before I stumbled on the Enneagram in March.

If only unbelieving them were as easy as seeing them for what they are, which is, frequently, a lie.

“We are all the sum of the stories we believe.”

That’s why we must, occasionally, be still. To hear the truth that counteracts the lies.

Yesterday, I went to a physical church service for only the second time since the pandemic started (the first having been in September). And, for the second time in a row, spent the entire service weeping.

As we left the parking lot, I told Jason, “I think the pandemic broke me.”

And it wasn’t until I wrote this post that I figured out why.

Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov on Unsplash.

I’ve grieved a lot in my life. I’ve grieved some very hard things. But the pandemic was the first domino to tip in the breaking of the world as we knew it, triggering a series of events that is still flattening dominoes to this day. It seems every day we see one more ripple effect of the ways the pandemic has exposed the brokenness of our systems and our hearts.

And I grieve it. I grieve how little I can do. I’ve railed against God that he doesn’t do more. I’ve questioned him and yelled at him and begged him for proof that he exists. I’ve gotten busier and busier, burying myself in work to avoid the grief that always hovers at the edges, threatening to overwhelm me if I sit too still.

But the answers don’t come in the flurry of activity.

The answers only come when I take the time to sit and reflect on how he has been faithful. Through every storm and trial, he hasn’t gone anywhere.

I need to remember the lessons he taught me when I lost my little boy. That he doesn’t see these things like we do. He is much less interested in our happiness than in our hearts. And he never wastes our tears.

“He is much less interested in our happiness than in our hearts. And he never wastes our tears.”

Last week, I discovered that Steven Curtis Chapman (my favourite music artist) released another album, Still, earlier this year… and it found me just when I needed to hear it.

As I’ve listened to the album over the past few days, I’ve thanked God for the influence this man and his family have had on my life. In fact, it’s a little odd how many similarities my life has had to his, and I don’t just mean that he also adopted kids and also lost one in an accident almost identical to how we lost Levi. I see in him and am inspired by his heart and passion for God. And, since he’s always been a little further ahead on the journey than me, his music has been instrumental in helping me along on mine.

I doubt we will meet on this Earth. But someday, on the other side, I intend to seek him out and thank him for being so transparent with his struggles and his faith, for his music has often helped bring me back to the truths I have to learn again—that even when I doubt, and hurt, and weep, God is faithful. He’s already been wherever I’m going. And no matter what happens, I can believe in that.

Still.

Starting this week, I’m going to be experimenting with a blogging- and email-first approach to connecting with readers. I’m excited to have a series of behind-the-scenes blog posts for my Rise of the Grigori epic mermaid fantasy series kicking off on Wednesday. If you want to make sure you don’t miss that, sign up to get my blog emailed to your inbox in the sidebar or below this post, depending on your device.

Happy Monday, my friend. May your week be blessed.

Following Joy

I’m starting a new thing today.

It’s not really new. I’m just moving things around a little, cutting out some things that aren’t working for me, and focusing more on what I love.

Image by Kristopher Roller, @krisroller, courtesy of Unsplash.

With this slow productivity kick I’ve been on since September, it’s given me time to think more about what I’m doing for my business, my family, and myself—and what my business is doing for me—and to examine what is and isn’t working for me.

I’ve had some definite successes. Giving up time-blocking has allowed my rule-following brain to be more flexible—an absolute necessity now that I’m running three (now down to two, since one got his license) kids hither and yon every day of the week, often during my working hours.

If I’d tried to keep juggling a time-blocked schedule while doing this, I’m sure I would have had a nervous breakdown.

It’s also showed me that I have a lot of work still to do to overcome my workaholic tendencies. Work is where my thoughts tend to go first in times of stress. Which, of course, has been kind of my status quo this year. (This decade?)

Lest you get the wrong idea, I’ve actually been feeling pretty good for the last month, taking better care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and my body has rewarded me with maintaining better equilibrium. A win is a win.

But there are also stressful things about my business, which is maybe what prompts my neurotic desire to work more most of all. I hate leaving things out of place, unfinished, or unresolved… unconquered. If there is more to learn, do, or achieve, I have a hard time putting something aside. Which there is always more of, especially when it comes to marketing. And last week, I had to admit to myself that my current methods of marketing my business weren’t working all that well—both on a financial and emotional level.

Not all of the methods. There are things that Past Me did that are still paying off today, years later, and for that, I’m super grateful. But not all the things. For instance, for the past month, I’ve been stepping back onto social media in an experimental fashion, working on fully separating my author and knitting brands there, and it has yielded some interesting realizations.

Realization One:

Social media is, in general, a huge creativity suck for me. I spend so much time thinking about what to post, taking photos, processing photos, writing captions, and then checking my phone constantly for responses I feel I must respond to myself as soon as possible, that it turns my brain into squirrel food for Deep Work tasks like writing.

Case in point: for the last week and a half, I decided to focus on writing first, and guess what? I’m making progress on my manuscript.

Maybe this is a result of the burnout, or maybe it’s my brain’s normal state, or maybe it’s how human brains work. But doing social media and writing seem to be incongruous activities for me. Which means that, if I’m using social media as a way of staying in touch with my readers and knitting audience and to remind them my products exist, I have to reconsider how and when I’m doing it.

(Notably, my knitting social media account seems to be getting much more interaction than my author one. Still working through what that means for my author social media platform.)

Realization Two:

Advertising is, in general, a huge time, creativity, and now, a money suck for me.

I’ve spent an enormous amount of time over the past several years learning how to use Facebook Ads and Amazon Ads, and I’ve dabbled in BookBub Ads. While I’ve had some moderate success advertising Finding Heaven on Facebook, that has recently gone away and the ads were losing me money. I’ve experimented with advertising my knitting business on Facebook, too, but that never seems to move the needle and I’d be better off flushing my money down the toilet.

Even when I was “successful” at advertising my books, i.e. making a profit, it wasn’t enough to justify the amount of time spent on it. Some months, I’ve spent upwards of five hours a week just creating, analyzing, and tweaking my ads. That’s five hours a week I wasn’t creating books or patterns, and that’s a lot of brain power being syphoned away from the thing that would have actually made me more money… producing more stuff.

I don’t exactly regret spending this time, because I did learn a lot about using those advertising platforms, about myself, and about what ads will and won’t do for me right now. But, as of last week, I’ve decided to go on an advertising hiatus.

Every business needs to promote itself and reach new customers somehow. I was just using that marketing time in a rather ad-heavy way for the last couple of years. And I’ll try ads again in the future when I’ve built out my catalogue of offerings and can use different strategies that will likely give me a better return on investment.

Realization Three:

There are loads of ways to market that don’t involved using ads or social media.* I’m already doing several of them… and they are actually some of my favourite marketing activities.

Namely, I’ve spent sixteen years creating an SEO-rich website through my blog, podcast, and other content. In fact, I get so much traffic that I regularly get pitched to place backlinks or sponsored posts on my site, to the point that I’ve actually had to create a policy about it. Until recently, I wouldn’t even consider either of those. Then I got a pitch that intrigued me and which I thought would serve my audience, but I don’t think they liked my terms and prices, lol, because it didn’t work out. It did, however, cause me to rethink my “ban all outside advertising” policy, thus, the new one. :-)

(I don’t know if any of the people pitching me ever read these policies, but hopefully it’s cut down on the torrent of drek filling up my inbox. Still haven’t received an offer that has actually turned into anything though.)

My philosophy for advertising space on my website is that if it’s going to be advertising a product to my audience, it should be what they came here for—my stuff. It should do it in a natural, organic way, so that you don’t have to fight through a slew of flashing banners and popups to get the value you want. And if I mention some other products or service, it’s because I’ve used it and believe in it and think my audience would benefit from it too.

The process of creating this site others find so attractive—both as users and as advertisers—is one of my favourite things to do. I love blogging. And I actually really enjoy site design and maintenance. It’s weirdly therapeutic as well as creative, kind of like knitting. More importantly, it doesn’t seem to drain me creatively the same way that social media and advertising does.

I also really love creating email newsletters. I’ve been doing these since I started my first business in my early twenties, and they have always been my favourite way to connect with my audience. And they are still one of the most effective methods. Bonus!

So, I’ve decided to embrace slow productivity with my marketing too—I’m stepping back from ads, I’ll be revising my social media strategy so it’s less draining for me throughout the month, and I’ll be doubling down on the things I love—blogging, content marketing, email, and other forms of “slow” marketing. I’m even pondering how I can revive my podcast in a way that’s sustainable for me.

And, in the process, I hope to take another step on my journey back to joy in what I’m doing.

People might even drive to a lemonade stand in the country if the marketing is good enough. Image by John Angel, @johnangelnyc, courtesy of Unsplash.

You might see a bit more variety on this blog in the coming months. Not a ton—it’s still primarily my journal for what I’ve been up to and me processing life. But there are some types of posts I’ve wanted to put up that I just haven’t had the time for, so instead of only seeing my journal-type entries like this, there will likely be a little more behind-the-scenes stuff relating to my books, knitting designs, and other things I’m working on for my business.

And, since this post is already long enough, I’ll leave the details of what that might mean for my next post.

Have you ever stopped to consider whether social media or another regular practice in your life is serving you effectively, or maybe even doing more harm than good? If so, what did you do about it? Tell me in the comments.

Happy Monday!

*Last week, I discovered several podcasts dedicated to this very concept. I’m currently devouring Marketing Without Social Media by Viv Guy, if you’re looking for more about this too.

When winter and summer collide you get snow on your geraniums, thanks to the long fall we had. Winter is here now, though. I’m thankful for my warm house!

Narrowing My Focus

This morning, I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the things. So, naturally, I decided to blog.

Actually, it might seem counterintuitive to add one more thing into a full day, but I find it helps me to slow down and reprioritize and focus. And then the rest of my day goes better.

Photo by Hedi Alija @hedialija, courtesy of Unsplash.

It’s been quite the couple of weeks. I was working on a client project to deadline. Then it was the last week of the kids’ play, and I was quite involved in that, doing makeup, making posters and programs, and a few other odd jobs. Although as far as the makeup goes, I ended up having to miss a few rehearsals and performances because I caught a very nasty cold, the vestiges of which are still lingering.

Unfortunately, I caught that cold from Jabin, and he had it for the last two weeks of rehearsals and performances. It looked like he might lose his voice on opening night… but he didn’t. And he got through the whole weekend.

And he rocked it. Seriously, that kid just blew me away. And a few other folks, too, judging from the comments I keep getting from folks. (Proud mama? Just a smidge.)

He was playing Marty the Zebra in Madagascar Jr., one of the two leads of the play. And he did so good. So did all the other kids. Honestly, it was a wonderful show, and, like musical theatre always does, left me feeling happy and joyful. Even more so because I got to be part of bringing it to life.

I’m a little sad that this is the last year I’ll have a kid in this production. But I hope to still volunteer in some capacity in future years.

The lone, blurry selfie I took with me and Jabin during the show.

Kamber helps Jabin reapply his wig during intermission.

The cast take their final bows. Left to right for the mains (in the centre): Rachel Joy Earle as King Julien the Lemur, Hannah Sadler as Gloria the Hippo, Kayleb Viksush as Alex the Lion, Jabin Winters a Marty the Zebra, and Chloe Ferriss as Melman the Giraffe.

In other news…

Jude finally got a driver’s license last week! Woot! The timing couldn’t have been better—he got it the day I was hit with this cold, so I immediately conscripted him to start helping with the late night pick-ups of kids from work and play practice. So that was a blessing.

I’m making slow progress on my current manuscript. Last week, I signed up for Plottr, which is a visual plotting software and project organizer. I’m in the process of putting my outline into it and tweaking it at the same time, which will be my third rewrite of the outline. And then, I think I’m ready to write in earnest.

My social media hiatus is officially over, both as a user and content creator. I finally started a second Instagram account for my knitting business… and almost immediately wondered what took me so long. There are some minor inconveniences in managing two accounts, but the fact that it is so much easier to produce content and find your audience when you narrow your focus more than makes up for it.

I’ve been having fun planning the content for that account. I have years of gorgeous pattern photos to use, and I’ve come up with some new content ideas because I have the account that will elevate my brand in general, I think.

In addition, I’ve been having fun taking photos of my designs in progress to post. Not just quick snapshots with my phone, but thoughtfully styled photos with my DSLR camera. It’s time-consuming though. I’m in the process of onboarding one of my friends who just started a social media management company to help me. Looking forward to seeing where that goes.

A few photos of my latest design-in-progress, a cable-knit beanie I’ve dubbed the Trailfinder Hat:

Over time, there are several things on my business plate I’d like to hire out. Hopefully, doing so will allow me to narrow my focus a bit more, so these feelings of overwhelm become fewer and further between.

For now, it’s time for me to go focus on something else.

Happy Tuesday, friend, and happy November. May you stay warm wherever you are.

Impostor Syndrome, P.T. Barnum & the Enneagram

I think I figured out the primary reason I’ve been so off-kilter the last couple of days: Impostor Syndrome.

I didn’t expect this. Not now. Not when I hadn’t experienced any of my usual triggers. And when I recognized it, and then immediately saw what caused it, I got pretty annoyed with myself.

Over the years, I’ve discovered a common theme for when Impostor Syndrome shows up. For those unfamiliar with the term, Impostor Syndrome is used as a bit of a catch-all phrase for any time a creative person (or any person) is afraid that whatever Thing that just happened will finally reveal to the world that they’re a fraud, a hack, and that they don’t deserve the rewards for the work they’ve done.

One remedy for this that’s often bandied about is to remind yourself that the only people who don’t get Impostor Syndrome are actual impostors. That doesn’t work for me.

For me, I need to understand where the feeling is coming from before I can move past it. So, over the years, I’ve noticed some common threads about Impostor Syndrome:

It’s a form of fear. (Duh.) It’s the fear that you will be exposed as undeserving or unworthy of success or that others will hate your work. In other words, fear of negative repercussions for doing something that matters to you or being in a position you feel unqualified for or unworthy of.

It tends to show up when you’ve done something risky that makes you feel vulnerable, or when you’re contemplating doing so. E.g. Sending your work to an editor, beta readers, ARC readers, release day, getting a bad review, etc.

And—this just in—it’s a need for validation from people whose opinion matters to you that your work is actually good, in whatever way you define “goodness”.

That last one? That’s what I’ve been experiencing the last few days. It was triggered by several factors colliding at once, which I won’t detail here.

But now that I see it, I am moving past it. Now I just have to move past the deep resentment of the fact that I felt this way, which is, um, complicated.

Yes, I have feelings about my feelings. (Always.)

A ringmaster. What an odd picture to illustrate this, amiright? Don’t worry, we’ll get to it…

I Once Was Blind

I’ve talked briefly here about my journey of self-discovery with the Enneagram that started this spring while I was revising Every Star that Shines. And part of the reason for the briefness is partly that I’m afraid discussing it in depth might look a little bit too much like navel gazing for a public blog and would be better saved for my personal journal, and partly because I’ve discovered some uncomfortable things about myself that I wish didn’t exist, so talking about them feels very risky.

Okay, I think more definitions are needed. I’ll try to keep it brief.

My Way Over-simplified Definition of the Enneagram:

The Enneagram diagram with common type labels. The lines connect you with other types whose traits you also have access to, and you can also exhibit traits from one or both “wings’—the types on either side of you. But your core motivation comes down to your primary type.

If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, it’s a very old (like, centuries or millennia) tool that looks, at first glance, like a personality test dividing all people into nine personality types. (Or like one of the weirdest geometric symbols ever.)

When you dig deeper, you discover that the divisions are much more granular—down to fifty-four, with near-infinite variations on that.

But the tool isn’t actually about putting people in boxes, but rather, it’s designed as a tool of self-discovery and growth. That’s because each of the nine types is defined by their passion (one of the Christian “seven deadly sins” plus fear and deceit), which is the force that drives us, even though how this manifests can look very different from person to person.

Until we’re aware of what the passion is, it drives us unconsciously. Once we recognize it, we can begin to grow into healthier versions of ourselves, no longer driven by subconscious behaviours and, hopefully, reducing the amount of damage we do to ourselves and others because of our blind spots.

Now I See

I am an Enneagram type Three. A bit about the Three:

Type Three: The Performer/The Achiever
Passion: Deceit (as in self-deceit or vanity)
Core longing: To be worthy or valuable
Blind spot: Acting like a human doing instead of a human being. Not understanding that who you are isn’t the same as what you do.

Because the Enneagram is so old and is constantly being iterated on, you can find information about it all over the place. (I recommend the Chestnut-Paes Enneagram Academy website, YouTube channel, and podcast, any book by Bea Chestnut, and Drew Newkirk’s YouTube channel for folks wanting to dive in and know more. The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (affiliate links included here) is also a good primer for getting oriented with all this stuff, though I’m not sure I would have found my own type from that book if I started there).

Even though I was pretty sure I was a Three when I started learning about all this, many of the more detailed descriptions of the Three didn’t resonate with me at first. It wasn’t until I found my subtype that I knew for sure I was a Three.

So, in what feels like a painfully soul-baring act of vulnerability to me, but which, to you, will probably only be interesting information (unless this hits close to home for you too), here is the definition of my subtype from the Chestnut-Paes Enneagram Academy website:

Self-Preservation Three: Security

The Countertype

The Self-Preservation three has a sense of vanity for having no vanity. This Three also wants to be admired by others but avoids openly seeking recognition. Not just satisfied with looking good, the SP three strives to be good. They are determined to be a good person—to match the perfect model of how a person should be. Being the perfect model of quality implies virtue, and virtue implies a lack of vanity. SP Threes seek a sense of security through being good, working hard, and being effective and productive.

I’m sure you see the inherent conflict in being driven by vanity while wanting not to have any vanity. So, now we’re about to get back to the feelings about my feelings.

“And that is the beauty of the Three, our gift: inspiration and authenticity.”

This year, I’ve been learning to observe myself in the context of my type, and to see how these behaviours play out. To be honest, I’ve often struggled with seeing the positive aspects of my type, and, frankly, I always have. I’ve spent most of my life wondering what it is people like or admire about me. (An enneagram Three seeks validation through achievement so we can feel worthy, but I have a very strong Two wing, which means I also have a strong need to be found likeable.) On the rare occasions where I’ve figured out something of value that I contribute (note the focus on value and action—true to type), it’s always felt like this huge revelation that I then perpetually doubt as true.

Yes, I see how ridiculous this is. Acknowledging that something doesn’t make a lot of sense isn’t the same as feeling any differently about it.

So, this morning, when I saw what was at the root of the feelings I’ve been having the last few days—the need for validation—I was both relieved to have figured it out, unsurprised that that’s what was at the core (I mean, I’m a Three, and I know it now), and then super irritated that I felt that need at all.

Seeking Grace

To be honest, I’ve spent a lot of time this year irritated that I need validation from anyone. Which is, of course, where the complications come in—while the Three needs validation, the stance of my subtype (the countertype to the Three) is not wanting to need validation—vanity about having no vanity.

Which means that when I actually receive validation from someone and feel good about it, I then get irritated with myself for that. Like, how messed up is that?

So, here I was, my Impostor Syndrome triggered by feeling the need to be validated, which irritated me. But if someone had validated me by acknowledging my good work in the way I wanted, I’d also be irritated—not at them, but at myself for desperately wanting that validation in the first place and then feeling good about it.

Okay, so we’re definitely in territory that I should talk to a therapist about here. I see that. However, I suspect they’re going to tell me the same thing I would tell a friend who said this to me: to give myself grace.

Like Sarajane Case says in her book The Honest Enneagram, a pattern of behaviour isn’t bad just because it’s part of my type.

I’m learning to see how this is true. One of the ways I’m learning this is by recognizing other Threes I see, especially in stories.

The first major breakthrough I had about this was listening to the soundtrack for The Greatest Showman, a story I am very familiar with. I hadn’t listened to the music for about a year at the time (which wasn’t long after discovering these painful truths about myself).

The reason this was a breakthrough was that P.T. Barnum, as portrayed in the movie, is a Three—a different subtype than me, but definitely a Three. Which means most of the songs in the movie are based around Three themes. In fact, if you, like me, tear up every time you hear “This is Me” or “Come Alive”, you might be a Three too (or have a strong Three wing from Two or Four). (Note: I’m pretty sure Alexander Hamilton as portrayed in the musical Hamilton is also not only a Three, but possibly my same subtype.)

While re-experiencing the story of The Greatest Showman in the context of the Enneagram, I realized something: even before P.T. Barnum learned his lessons about what matters most and putting people before success, he still did a lot of good. He helped people. He inspired them to become something and achieve something they probably never would have on their own. Even while he was still unconsciously spurred by his passion and was causing emotional harm because of it, he was still a force for good—an ability that was amplified after he got in touch with the truth he needed to learn to become whole.

And that is the beauty of the Three, our gift: inspiration and authenticity.

I still have a hard time seeing it sometimes. And I definitely have a hard time remembering to hold grace for myself for the ways my passion spurs less-than-desirable behaviours—especially because those same behaviours can be exactly what’s so beautiful about my type when in the right context.

My journey has been in sorting out the difference. And learning to give myself as much grace as I tend to give others.

My Fears Relieved

“My journey has been in sorting out the difference. And learning to give myself as much grace as I tend to give others.”

Going back to Impostor Syndrome: while I’m pretty sure I’ve now found the root cause of why I experience it, the root cause for you may be different, especially if you’re a different Enneagram type.

For instance, Fours, whose passion is envy and whose core longing is to be significant, tend to suffer a lot from comparisonitis, and may be susceptible to Impostor Syndrome because they feel they haven’t contributed something as unique or beautiful to the world as someone else has, and therefore don’t deserve recognition for what they have contributed. Other types probably have their own passion as the root.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if some types don’t often experience Impostor Syndrome—for instance, Eights, the Challengers/Protectors. I have a son who’s an Eight, and I suspect Impostor Syndrome just won’t be a big concern for him. (Don’t worry, he’ll have other challenges. ;-D)

So, if you’ve stuck with me through this long discussion, I’m very curious: do you tend to experience Impostor Syndrome? If so, do you know your Enneagram type? I would love to know if there’s a correlation between Impostor Syndrome and Enneagram type. Let me know in the comments.

And, even if I’m now talking to the wind, this post has achieved its purpose—I know what caused the feeling. I can tell the rest of my day is going to be better already.

Learning to Follow

In some ways, the things I’m doing to slow down could be considered a form of mindfulness.

And some days I’m more mindful than others. :-)

I have a sticky note on my monitor with the question, If I skip this, will it matter?

Unfortunately, this week I have a lot of things on my plate where the answer is yes. Which is probably at least one of the reasons I’ve been struggling with feeling overwhelmed already, and it’s only Tuesday morning.

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I mean, it’s not the only reason. But when you’re already dealing with some emotional disequlibrium, it doesn’t take as much to feel that way.

So last night I weeded even more off my list. Things I could answer the question with “not as much” or “not if it waits.”

It helped.

You know what else helped? Spending the last ten minutes looking at the wall of the El Arroyo Tex-Mex restaurant on Instagram. I mean, laughing usually helps, amiright?

So does coffee. :-)

Lately, I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions about my goals and what kind of life I want to live. Maybe it’s part of being forty-five. I mean, I’m at the stage where my kids are growing up and planning the next stages of their lives, and I’m trying to give them advice, but inside I’m like, “I don’t know, kid. I haven’t got anything figured out yet either.”

I mean, that’s not strictly true, it just feels like that some days. I guess this is what a mid-life crisis feels like?

But who really does have anything figured out? I think that’s the problem—when we spend our time looking at others, at the polished image they present to the world, it looks like they all have their ducklings in a row, and they’re walking confidently into traffic like they have some kind of invisible force field that will let them reach their destination unscathed.

Image by Vlad Tchompalov @tchompalov, courtesy of Unsplash.

Which, ironically, is a strategy that seems to work out pretty well for the ducks most of the time, since most humans will go to great lengths to make sure they get safely to the other side.

I feel like there’s some kind of life lesson there, but I hesitate to read too much into it…

But as I chewed on that, I remembered the time when Jesus looked out over Jerusalem and lamented that he often wanted to gather its people to him like a mother hen protecting her chicks.

Maybe my real problem is I keep trying to be the confident mama who is leading her babies where they need to go, when what I need to do for now is just nestle in under the wings of my protector and follow along.

Because guess who actually knows where we’re going? Yep, Jesus. So instead of watching the images others present and trying to emulate them, I need to keep my focus on him and where he wants to lead me.

In fact, maybe the overwhelm is from taking on things that were never mine to bear? From that dashed sense of over-responsibility I seem to have carried since childhood.

I mean, between sweet Mary sitting at Jesus’s feet and her busy sister Martha bustling around to make sure her guest was comfortable and taken care of while missing the opportunity to truly connect with him, I’ve always known which one was me.

But in my heart, I want to be more like Mary. I just often struggle with how to do that.

Laying down the burden of having it all together, of knowing what to do next, of the results I want to achieve… that’s one of the hardest things for me.

But it’s just the kind of mindfulness I need.

If I skip this, will it matter?

Yes. Because by skipping the things that don’t need to be done this second, I can slow down long enough to discover truths about others. And myself. And to make the connections I need to incorporate to truly have that life I want to live.

I’m still learning to say no more often, so I can say yes to the things that matter most.

And I feel like I’m one step closer than when this blog post began…

In case you didn’t have enough cuteness and reasons to smile yet this morning. Image by Meg Kannan @meghankannan4 courtesy of Unsplash.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

— Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

I needed that reminder today. Maybe you did too.

Happy Tuesday, friend. May you find your strength renewed today.

Playing with Audio Robots

Earlier this week, Jason and I finished watching Lost in Space on Netflix. I absolutely loved the show, but I did have more than one chuckle that the main robot character in the series, the companion of Will Robinson, was named simply Robot. All the other robots got much more interesting names (also by Will. I think Robot’s bland name was the result of him being the first one found).

However, despite the unremarkable moniker, there was a lot more to Robot than met the eye. He is a wonderful character.

And now, I can say the same thing for Google Play Books auto-narration services.

The Friday Night Date Dress is now in audio

I mentioned last week that I was experimenting with the digital narration service currently being offered by Google Play Books for free.

I went in with very low expectations, not even sure I’d come out with something that would work for fiction.

I was wrong.

Not only did the listening experience surpass my expectations, I found I actually enjoyed listening to the story this way.

About my only complaint is that there is no way to tell the AI to emphasize certain words, which can make some sarcastic or emphatic sentences come out a little flat. But really, that’s not a big deal, especially not with this particular title.

This morning, I published the digitally narrated audiobook of The Friday Night Date Dress. And, because I want you to be able to try it free just like I did so you can make up your own mind, this audiobook will be free for the foreseeable future.

So wander on over there (click on the image), listen to the sample, and, if that piques your interest, please give the whole audiobook a try.

As for me, I’ve already decided to create digital audiobooks of my contemporary titles, at the very least. Maybe I’ll even try it for the fantasies. And I’ll be offering these digital audiobooks for prices comparable with my eBooks.

I’m hoping this will mollify people who always ask if the book is in audio long enough to be able to afford human narrated versions of all my titles at some future point.

Happy Friday! And please, let me know what you think about the digital narration. It’s a whole new world, folks!

 

P.S. This isn’t my only audiobook that’s out. I have another digitally narrated short story, All I Want for Christmas, created last December through DeepZen. In my opinion, this new Google one is already a better product—that’s how fast the technology is improving.

I also have a human-narrated fantasy novella from my Rise of the Grigori series, The Waterboy.

In case you’re reading this in the far future, you can click here to see which of my titles are currently in audiobook.

Themes and Things

When I woke up on Monday, I could tell something was different.

I was… happy. Excited to be going back to work. Feeling good and energetic.

Yes, this was partly a shift in hormones. But I haven’t felt like that in months.

“Huh,” I said to myself. “Maybe this slow productivity thing is working.”

Go figure.

It’s been a gorgeous week in the Peace Country, weather-wise. I’ve even managed to take advantage of the sunny blue skies and warm temperatures with a couple of walks so far. Maybe today will be three for three for walks on work days this week. New record. ;-)

Image courtesy of Pereanu Sebastian (@sebastian123) and Unsplash.

Probably the most exciting thing (for me) that happened this week is that I dove back into my manuscript yesterday (Book Two in the Peace Country Romance series). I finally have a handle on my heroine’s personality, lies, and longings, and that has made a huge difference. Fortunately, the existing outline only required minor tweaking to align it with that.

I’d previously only outlined about the first third because my lack of clarity about her left me wandering around in the dark after that point. Yesterday, I reworked that plus a little more, and I hope to get most of the rest of the outline done over the next day or two.

And then, all I have to do is write it. (She said, tongue stuck firmly in cheek.)

This new vision for the story is mostly thanks to a new book I recently read, Reclaim Your Author Career by H. Claire Taylor*.

*I am an affiliate of Amazon.com, .ca, and .co.uk, as well as Kobo, which means if you go to one of those stores through this link and make a purchase, I get a few cents at no extra cost to you.

“Great Resource for Authors” Alert

Claire is a respected voice in the indie author space, and she is also the one who got me so interested in learning about the enneagram as a tool for creating better characters. This summer, she launched Reclaim Your Author Career with a Kickstarter, which I backed so I could have as early access to this book as possible.

Even with all I’ve learned about the enneagram so far, it was extremely enlightening. Probably the two most impactful takeaways for me personally were understanding how to create conflicts by understanding a character’s enneagram type, and mostly, understanding theme.

I can finally say that I understand what theme is, how to find it, and how to use it to create and enhance my stories. As I thought about my previous books, I can see that they all had themes, but those were mostly unintentional. The themes that are there were natural outgrowths of the ideas I wanted to explore. Had I intentionally sussed out those themes during the writing or revision processes, I’m sure I could have made the stories tighter and even more impactful.

Now I’m seeing theme in every story I consume. For instance, Jason and I just finished watching Lost in Space on Netflix (fantastic show! Do recommend), and the theme (which they’re not subtle about) is family. One word. Everything comes back to what being a family means and how important family is.

I’m also still working my way through Star Trek: Voyager, and the theme of that is discovery or maybe exploration.

So, I’ve definitely got a lot more to think about in the theme department these days.

Of course, I’m writing a romance series right now, so the series theme is love. Another underlying theme is community, since it’s based in a small town setting. And the theme specific to this story? Forgiveness.

It’s going to be a good one, folks. :-)

Anyway, Reclaim Your Author Career is now available for pre-order in stores. If you’re an author, I highly recommend you get it. The main purpose of the book is to align not only your stories but also your brand and business with your own core values and motivations. I think every author should read this.

Alrighty, friend. I need to get on with the fiction writing and other tasks in my day. I hope your week is off to a wonderful start. Looking forward to making some story magic for you to enjoy. (Eventually.)

Some weeks, we crawl instead of walk

On the CliftonStrengths test, a test that splits personality traits into thirty-four patterns of success, my Discipline ranks at number seven. Consistency ranks at thirty-one.

Maybe that explains why it’s very easy for me to get my butt in the chair every morning and work all day, but very difficult to work at the exact same thing for any great length of time.

(For interest’s sake, my number one Strength is Achiever, which means I start every day from zero and only feel a day is worthwhile if I have accomplished something that day. Shocking, I know.)

On a (totally not) unrelated note, this has been a difficult week for me, physical health-wise. I’ve been fighting through brain fog, exhaustion, cramps, and depression. There was not enough sleep and caffeine in the world to make me feel alert this week.

In spite of that, or maybe because of it, I’ve made significant progress on three projects this week (two of which weren’t even on my plan as of Sunday night, but here we are).

Re-enactment of my week. Photo by Joyuma (@joyuma), courtesy of Unsplash.

Updates to the Just Plain Socks pattern

This was the one item I’ve worked on this week that I’d planned to, lol. My popular free Just Plain Socks pattern was next on my docket of patterns to update. Like the others, I didn’t just overhaul the pattern layout, but tweaked the way it was written too.

In this case, the pattern is formulaic (also known as a recipe pattern,) meaning the customer does the math to create the design based on the formulas I included.

I tweaked a few of the formulas based on what I’ve learned about sock knitting since my last update of this pattern in 2016, then started knitting a sample to test the new math. I’m happy to say, the sample turned out perfect, and the updated pattern should be live by the end of today.

My nearly-completed sample sock. I needed a new pair, anyway, so bonus!

In addition, I decided to also do a calculated-for-you version of the pattern that will be a paid product. I hope to have that live by the end of today, too, but if it’s not, it will be up early next week.

Reader Merch for Rise of the Grigori fans

For quite some time, I’ve wanted to think of some cool merch for my readers that I could carry in my merchandise store. In the last three weeks, I’ve finally started, albeit modestly, with a bookplate sticker and a limited edition bookmark for Every Star that Shines.

This week, I finally came up with a cool idea for my Rise of the Grigori readers—school pride shirts and bookbags for the school in my series my characters all attend (the Royal Academy). I hired a designer on Fiverr to bring my idea to life, and as of today, I have two designs listed in my store. I’m waiting for a sample order for another product I’m less sure about before I list that one as well.

But even if you don’t know the story, this is kind of a cool piece of merch on its own—which is exactly what I was going for.

(If you’re reading on an RSS feed, the following block showcasing the new products will probably be missing, and you’ll have to click through to the post to see it.)

I’d love to hear what you think of this idea, or if you have more ideas for the types of merch you would love see.

Diving into auto-narrated audiobooks

Earlier this year, Google Play Books introduced the option to have any eBook listed with them digitally narrated (which they call auto-narration). While the product is in beta, it’s free.

Last December, I had one of my novellas, All I Want for Christmas, digitally narrated using the licensed voice of Edward Herrmann by a company called DeepZen. Though they weren’t perfect, I was pretty happy with the results.

While digital narration is not the same as having a book performed by a human narrator, DeepZen still produced a pleasant listening experience that sounded human-like. My biggest complaint is that the technology was not yet able to handle vocal tics or weird sounds like uh-huh, so I compensated for that by making some minor revisions to the text to replace those with yep in the digital audio version.* (I expect it’s only a matter of time before that problem goes away.)

*I recently re-listened to this book and discovered I’d missed one of these. Doh! It sounds like a weird, digitized growl. Oh, well.

Oh, and since I got the finished files back from the company after Christmas, I decided to hold onto it for the year before releasing it. Then I quietly published it earlier this month. (A little early for Christmas, but I was updating the book page and didn’t want to have to do more work on it later, lol.) You heard it here first, folks.

At the moment, you can only get the audiobook directly from me, delivered through the BookFunnel app, which is actually one of the best audio listening apps I’ve used. Check out the digital audio sample of chapter one of All I Want for Christmas on the book page.

Anyhoo, back to auto-narration through Google…

Even though digital narration is cheaper than human narration, it’s still not inexpensive in either time or money invested to produce the final product. In fact, the cost to produce my full-length novels was still prohibitive through DeepZen for my current budget. When Google introduced this free auto-narration option, I was excited to try it, but I had way too much on my plate to set aside any time for it for most of this year.

Yesterday, I had to log into my Google Play account for another reason, and they had an invitation to try auto-narration front-and-centre. And I decided, “You know what? Today’s the day.”

I’m excited to finally hear this story told in audio format, even if it’s digital. Coming soon! Woot!

I’m now half-way through proof-listening to The Friday Night Date Dress. I chose an American female voice they call Madison, which sounds like a Black woman in her thirties. And I have to say, I’m pleasantly surprised by the results.

No, it still doesn’t touch a human-narrated performance of the book. But I find I’m actually enjoying listening to the story being told this way.

After some playing around, I’ve even been able to figure out how to correct most of the mispronunciations I’ve come across—and there haven’t actually been that many.

I’ve become an audio-first consumer for many types of reading for the past few years, so I find it intensely gratifying to listen to my story in audio form. But, more than that, I hope that offering digital audiobook sales of all my titles (not just the two short ones I’ve done so far as experiments) will open my brand up to the audiobook market, and that the extra revenue stream will allow me to save up for the human narration I desperately want to hire, especially for my more action-oriented books with trickier words (like the Rise of the Grigori series).

If all goes well, I’ll be posting a new digital audiobook every week for the next little while. (You know, if that low Consistency doesn’t flare up.) I’ll keep you posted.

 In other news…

This has been one of my most social weeks in a while. Our family went to church last Sunday morning for the first time since the pandemic hit us. Of course, since I was a hormonal mess, I cried the whole time. But they were good tears. I really missed the experience of being in church, even if our Sunday afternoon play practice meant we couldn’t stick around to socialize afterwards.

On Tuesday, we got to see our dear friends Mark and Colleen and Mark’s parents (who happen to also be related to me) for supper when they came through on their way north.

Last night, I went out for a visit with my dear friend Jenn S. And I expect to get to go on a date with my hubby tomorrow morning at the local coffee shop, which has become a tradition since Noah started working every Saturday morning. (Java Domain has fresh cinnamon buns on Saturday that are fan-freakin-tabulous. But also, date!)

I’m starting to remember what it looks like to have a life. And I like it. :-)

So, even if the progress was slow (which is kind of the point nowadays), or rather, slower than normal, there still was some.

How was your week, friend? And please, tell me what you think of the digital narration sample for All I Want for Christmas. I’m curious what audiobook listeners, especially, think about the quality and the experience.

Happy Friday!

This Train Track Goes Both Ways

Often, I’m so focused on what I have yet to do that I forget to take a breath and celebrate what I’ve done.

It’s an easy trap to fall into when the to-do list is still ten miles long no matter how many things you check off and you have deadlines rushing at you with the speed of a freight train.

But, for just a moment, I’m going to step off the track and look back.

Photo by Ales Krivec (@aleskrivec), courtesy of Unsplash.

It occurred to me yesterday that I have now published eight fiction titles. They’re of varying lengths, but when you average them out, it still works out to about eight full-length novels. (That’s what happens when you publish a 300,000-word doorstopper that counts as four to six on its own.)

Wow.

And thirty knitting patterns. That’s not nothing either, especially for something I do as a hobby.

And, for over half of those patterns and stories, I’ve revised and re-released them at least once.

And even though it feels like I’ve been working on this website update forever, it’s only been about three weeks.

In those three weeks, I’ve improved a lot. In addition, BookFunnel, the extraordinary eBook and audiobook delivery service I use, has been rolling out a bunch of new features, and I’ve managed to implement most of them.

Plus I’ve published a new pattern, revised an existing one, and I’m very close to publishing another new pattern. (Hopefully next week.)

And yesterday, I finally got bookplate stickers and even a special character art bookmark of Caleb from Every Star that Shines listed in my merch store, plus I got the ball rolling on a few more merch items I’ve been wanting to create for a while.

Oh, and Squarespace keeps reminding me that I now have over four hundred pages on my site, the vast majority of which are my blog posts, so that’s some kind of accomplishment too, I think.

So, yeah, I guess I’ve managed to do a few things, even while I’ve been taking a less structured approach to work and reducing my hours.

… Because, yes, I’ve managed to stick to my new schedule this week. I’ve even taken the occasional walk and nap. Yay!

See? When I say Slow progress is still progress, it’s actually true. (She says to herself.)

But I’m still learning how to recognize progress when I’m checking things off in what feels like a very willy-nilly way. Sometimes, I have to actually add something to my list after I’ve finished it, then check it off, just so I have a record of what I did. (You can roll your eyes at me here. I am.)

And thank you to those of you who responded to my last post and encouraged me to take my time writing Book 2 in the Peace Country Romance series, even if it means it’s out after Christmas. I mean, that’s pretty much a guarantee now. But it’s good to know that you all have my back.

Because one of the purposes of this Slow Productivity switch is to take the pressure off myself. And I sure appreciate the support you amazing people are giving me in that regard.

In other news…

Alright, time to get back on the track and look forward again. Because while I’ve been working on all this behind-the-scenes stuff, a deadline has been approaching: wide platform release day for the Every Star that Shines eBook, which goes out into the world next Tuesday.

I saved most of my promotional push for next week, since—as much as I’d love for more readers to buy the books directly from me—I know most people will want to buy the book in the places they’re already comfortable with, which means buying through their favourite platforms. So, I guess in about a week, I’ll actually know if I’ve hit my market with the packaging of this product.

(But, hey, if you want to get it for the launch price and you want to read on that world-class BookFunnel app I referred to above, you can buy it in my store. Or pre-order it elsewhere, if you don’t want to forget…)

And in other other news…

I’m thrilled that the kids’ musical in my community is running again this year for the first time since 2019. It was missing this experience so much that prompted me to feature it so heavily in Every Star that Shines. My son Jabin has been cast as one of the leads, and he’s super excited. I’m super proud, of course.

They’re performing Madagascar Jr., and Jabin got cast as Marty the zebra. I mean, if you know Madagascar, and you know Jabin, it’s like the perfect match, amiright?

Anyway.

That’s about all my news for now. I hope you had a fulfilling week, friend, and that you have a relaxing weekend.

All my love. Tell me something you’re proud of accomplishing recently in the comments.

Weighing Options

I feel like I’ve been in a transition period for the last month, but the transition is nearly complete.

Or is it? I don’t know.

Since I got back to work after my two weeks of holidays, I’ve been focusing on lots of small but neglected tasks that are making my business run smoother and make me better able to serve my people—those who would benefit most from what I offer.

Now that the most important of those tasks are done (though I still have an ongoing list a mile long, as always), I need to turn my attention back to my manuscript. I mean, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if I could actually have this Christmas book ready in time for Christmas.

That might take a Christmas miracle, but hey… I believe in miracles. :-)

But even as I look at diving into that project, part of me is resisting.

Not Resisting à la Steven Pressfield’s concept of Resistance, the combined force of all that keeps you from risking yourself creatively.

No, this different. It’s about whether or not I feel ready to commit myself to another project of this length already. Because I know once I’m in it, I’m in it until it’s done.

When I’m in, I’m all in. Image by Austin Neill (@arstyy), courtesy of Unsplash.

You see, it’s not just small projects I attack with ferocity and the unending drive to finish it as quickly as possible. It’s all projects. And after forty-five years on this earth, I haven’t yet figured out a way to start any project without it becoming kind of all-consuming until it’s complete. And the longer it takes to finish it, the more it takes out of me emotionally.

Which is why this “break” has felt so wonderful. I’ve been doing lots of little things. When they’re small and quick, it doesn’t matter if I focus on it like it’s the only thing I have to live for—in an hour or two, or a day tops, it’ll be done, and I’ll be released. Plus, I get a lot of energy from finishing things, so each completed task is helping me build rungs on my ladder out of the burnout pit.

But a book… a book is a different story (no pun intended… or maybe it is, haha).

Honestly, if I hadn’t already committed to this next book being a Christmas story, I would consider taking at least another two weeks before I started writing again. I feel like I need that.

So maybe what I need to do is let go of the semi-unrealistic expectation that I’ll still publish this manuscript by Christmas and just take the bloomin’ two weeks to keep getting my poop in a pile and rebuilding my strength.

Because it’s a lot easier to commit myself to a project that will take weeks and months to complete when I know I’ve set everything else to rights before I start.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. I went to bed last night planning to dive into my manuscript this morning. But after writing all this out, I see how prioritizing my mental health probably means letting this unrealistic expectation of myself go. And if I feel tired at the idea of starting writing again… well, maybe I’d be better off to wait.

Because if getting the book out by Christmas isn’t going to be possible anyway, there’s no sense killing myself to do it and perpetuating my burnout injury when the difference will be between publishing it in January or February or publishing it in March. I mean, they all miss the deadline… or they’re nine to eleven months early for next year’s, depending on how you look at it, lol.

Okay. I’m going to close out this blog post and go do some serious reflecting and thinking about what to do next. Because one thing I have learned in forty-five years is to listen to that resistance in my gut when I try to force myself to do something I’m not ready to do. I’d much rather create a lovely book I’m proud of and release it late than rush to put words on a page and turn out something shoddy by the deadline. After all, Christmas does come around every year. :-)

If it was you, what would you do?

P.S. As of right now, my grandmother is doing okay. In fact, she seems to have improved a great deal since Friday. She’s not out of the woods, but it’s nice to see her smiling and interacting with people again.