Talena Winters's Blog, page 6

The Gifts of a Difficult Season

An open gift box full of dirt sits on a wooden table among other wrapped gifts, spices, dried oranges, succulents, and a small container of earth or ash. A hand rests on the table, holding a stylus. From the box grows a small, magically glowing tree with a golden star ornament on top. Created using DALL-E3 with Bing Image Creator using the prompt “The Gifts of a Difficult Year, showing hope and growth through hard and difficult times, or beauty from ashes.”

I’m writing this on Christmas Eve Eve, almost at the end of the year. And while I’m not someone who blames a calendar year for the hardships and difficulties that fell within its boundaries, I must confess a certain excitement for the turn of the page to something new, and fresh, and full of undefined potential.

I remember also feeling optimistic going into 2023, so the optimism itself doesn’t always forecast beautiful things to come.

I tend to mark my life by big events—births and adoptions of my children, deaths of loved ones (including one of my children), falling in love, getting married, and big trips full of new experiences and friendships that I’ll forever hold in my heart. And this year definitely holds significant landmarks in the landscape of my memory. Sadly, the painful moments have nearly overshadowed the beautiful ones.

In this post, I want to take a moment to reflect on a year marked by pain and remember the blessings it also contained while I look for the signs of healing and growth that are coming out of the whole. If you want to come along while I meander through the garden of a winter year and look for signs of spring, then I invite you to grab a mug of something comforting and read on.

A poignant still life of a weathered wooden desk covered in old books, rusty clocks, keys, and teacups and bits of natural detritus such as feathers, seed pods, and dried leaves. A tarnished vase with dead and dried twigs and plants covered with cobwebs holds a single fresh orange bloom. Created using DALL-E3 through Bing Image Creator with the prompt “The Gifts of a Difficult Season”.

Our lives occur in seasons, and those seasons don’t always reflect the calendar or the world around us. Sometimes they do. But many of the sadnesses and joys of our lives are personal only to us. And for me, 2023 was a winter season.

After that initial optimism last January, my life very quickly became filled with turmoil. There was a lot of loss this year, and some of it is of a nature I don’t feel at liberty to discuss publicly. But, among the losses were my grandmother and my young niece on the same day—Easter Sunday.

Even one of those would feel like a lot to some people, but, this year, they were just a few more bundles on a load I was already overburdened with. Because those two extremely difficult events fell hard on the heels of a personal trauma that will forever mark a turning point in my memory. A “before” and “after”, like the letters B.C. and A.D. following a Gregorian year.

I can’t share the details of what happened, though I did give a high-level overview in my May post entitled “Summer is Coming” when I referred to my dad’s acute episode. But I can tell you that it shook me to my core, pulled me up by the roots, and I’ve spent most of this year trying to figure out how the pieces of me fit back together. (How’s that for some mixed metaphors? C’mon, that’s half the reason you read these posts, right?)

Compounding the effects of trauma, or perhaps compounded by the trauma, I’ve dealt with several other health issues this year that have affected my healing path.

Perhaps the most dramatic discovery was that after several years of dealing with symptoms such as brain fog and fatigue that I had laid solely on the door of perimenopause and stress, followed by several months of acute and excruciating cramps after almost every meal, I finally figured out that I’m gluten intolerant.

The final nail in the gluten coffin occurred on the trip between Edmonton and home on the way back from our summer vacation.) Within a week of going off gluten, I felt like a different person. It felt like being cured of a chronic disease.

Did that take care of all of my issues? No. In fact, the more I’ve been learning about perimenopause, the harder it is to draw a line between symptoms caused by trauma, symptoms caused by food, and symptoms caused by hormonal changes. However, I’m still grateful for that discovery. I miss bread, but not more than I enjoy feeling energized and mentally clear.

However, our physical and emotional and spiritual selves live in an interconnected web, so no wonder it’s difficult to separate the symptoms.

Are the long stretches of this year that I’ve gone without being able to experience joy because of trauma and grief or hormones?

Probably both.

Are my changes in ability to focus and concentrate and be creative due to trauma and grief or hormones?

Again, probably both.

However, as is usually the case, I’ve been learning and growing through this season of difficulty. Through a combination of therapy, journaling, self-study about the enneagram and other developmental tools, and the love and longsuffering ears of my family and friends as I processed verbally, I’m slowly emerging from the winter and darkness of this year into something new. Into being something—someone—new.

A traveller with a walking stick and a box walks along a light-filled path lined with trees at sunset. The trees go from stunted and barren toward being filled with fruit and green leaves. At their bases are enormous wrapped gifts that increase in size and number the further along the path the traveller goes. Created using DALL-E3 via Bing Image Creator using the prompt “The Gifts of a Difficult Season, showing hope and growth through hard times.”

The trauma I experienced this year tore open parts of me I didn’t know existed, and it exposed patterns so deeply inlaid I didn’t know they were a pattern, I just thought they were part of my essence. In doing so, they allowed me to see parts of myself I’d never seen before, some ugly, some beautiful.

Healing isn’t a quick or easy road, and the deeper the wound, the longer it takes. The wounds of this year merely exposed old wounds so deep they lay next to my core. But in being re-injured, I discovered the nature of the original wounds.

“A painter should begin every canvas with a wash of black, because all things in nature are dark except where exposed by the light.”

— Leonardo da Vinci

Fantasy composite image showing a hooded figure walking toward a horizon between a split landscape of light pastoral setting and a dark urban one. Mysterious and magical figures bearing staves and ornaments race toward the trail, doves fly all around, and the figure leaves a room full of enormous fruit, gifts, and a beautifully decorated Christmas tree in their wake. Created using DALL-E3 via Bing Image Creator using the prompt “The Gifts of a Difficult Year, showing hope and growth through hard and difficult times.”

I’ve mentioned grieving several times in this post. Every change brings grief, and it’s never simple, but especially so when dealing with core wounds.

I’ve had to draw some boundaries for my own protection to allow me to heal. Because of that, I’ve been grieving a relationship that has had to change because it was never what I thought it was.

I’ve been grieving the little girl I never got to be, and learning to reparent that part of me and give her what she needed.

I’ve been learning to see her inherent worth, apart from all the achievements and hard work she felt was so necessary to prove herself and earn love.

I’ve also been learning to see the value and blessing of the hard work and service I give others without attaching value to myself because of it. When I first learned my enneagram type and heard that this was possible, I didn’t know how. I’m learning.

(For you non-enneagram Threes reading this, this struggle is probably nonsensical to you. You have your own struggles, don’t worry. This is mine—to separate and acknowledge my value apart from my achievements and the work I do for others, while still being able to bless others with my work from a place of strength and wholeness.)

Illustration of a phoenix rising from the flames behind a pile of rubble in front of a starry urban background. A small evergreen grows from the rubble, decorated with flowers and with a literal star at its tip. In front of the rubble are boxes wrapped in ribbons, Christmas ornaments, and some new green and blue plant life. Created using DALL-E3 via Bing Image Creator with the prompt “The Gifts of a Difficult Year, showing hope and growth through hard and difficult times. A phoenix and new growth rising from flames.”

I still spend a great deal of time struggling with overwhelm. I still tend to say yes when I should probably say no. I still attach more value to the opinions of others, especially people I respect, than I wish I would.

But I’m also learning to own my own worth. And to see that even when I can’t feel God’s presence (trauma and hormones again), he’s still working in my life. And to learn, again, that God has never forsaken me, even when I feel forsaken.

I’m learning to take risks again, to put myself out there and try for things I’d lost confidence that I could achieve. And I’m seeing the rewards of that.

Does everything pay off? No. But some do. And those make the difference.

I’m learning to make space for myself and my own needs. To remember that I don’t have to lose myself in giving to others, and to learn where the line of my responsibility ends. (It’s a work in progress.) Boundary work has been an ongoing growth curve for me for many years now. This year, the growth curve felt like climbing a mountain. But it’s been worth the climb.

I could never have done this without the support of my husband, kids, friends, and extended family.

Is this a year I would have asked for?

Heck, no.

Is this a year I wish had never happened?

I’d like to say the same, but I can’t. Not yet.

However, I’m grateful for the gifts that are coming out of it. I’m grateful for the work the Lord is doing in me because of it. And I’m hopeful that, at long last, I’m seeing the first signs of spring after a dark and difficult season.

Illustration of a dark still life scene of a round wooden tub tied in a ribbon bow on a weathered wooden desk next to a small succulent, wooden cutlery, a steaming cup of coffee, and broken bits of wood and dried leaves. The tub holds a glowing arrangement of flowers in vibrant colours that are glowing with life and vitality. Created using DALL-E3 via Bing Image Creator with the prompt “The Gifts of a Difficult Year, showing hope and growth through hard and difficult times, or beauty from ashes.”

I’m looking forward to 2024 with hope. Not because I believe it will be a year unmarked by more of the pain and tribulations that permeate life as a human, but because I’ve discovered a strength in myself I didn’t know I possessed. I’ve trained new muscles to trust in the Lord, even when I can’t see his hand.

And because, with each passing day, I’m healing a little more. I’m stronger than I was before. And I’m beginning to remember what it was like to touch the light.

A broken blue pottery sphere is partially reconstructed using molten gold to bind the pieces. A mystical light glows at its centre, pouring in from a source above it, and shines out through the cracks. Created using DALL-E3 with Bing Image Creator using the prompt “A beautiful piece of kintsugi pottery with light shining through the cracks, showing beauty in brokenness.”

Whatever season of your life you find yourself in, I pray you also find beauty and strength and wisdom there. May you learn to see and appreciate its gifts.

God bless, my friend. Merry Christmas, and a very happy New Year to you and yours.

“Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”

— Sarah Williams, Twilight Hours: A Legacy of Verse

Looking for Light

This week, I was thinking of one of the very first folk songs I ever learned: “One Tin Soldier” by The Original Caste. My mom had it on a cassette, and I would listen to it on repeat when I was around five or six until I learned all the words. The sarcasm of the refrain was so gripping: “Go ahead and hate your neighbour; go ahead and cheat a friend. Do it in the name of heaven, you can justify it in the end. There won't be any trumpets blowing come the judgement day on the bloody morning after one tin soldier rides away.”

If you've never heard it, you can watch the animated music video, circa-1970s style, below. It's quite a powerful little parable.

Sadly, it's a parable we still need. Every year—every month, it seems—there is a new and heartbreaking conflict somewhere in the world. Everyone thinks their own side is right, and some think that gives them the right to take what they perceive is theirs by force... no matter who gets hurt along the way.

Am I a pacifist? I don't know. I've never thought about it that hard. I do believe there is a time to take up arms to defend oneself, so I guess not. But I also believe that by the time it gets to that point, many things have gone horribly wrong, and it would be better to use diplomacy.

This isn't a direct comment about the war in Israel. For my own mental health, I tend to keep myself at an arm's distance from the news, so I don't feel informed enough to comment. Even just knowing this kind of war and destruction is happening in the world feels like such a burden to me. I would love to see love win. But nations don't fight wars with love.

Still, I believe that many of the things that are wrong with the world could be made right if more people heeded Mr. King's advice. It may not be until kingdom come. But I'm looking forward to the day when love drives out hate and light drives out darkness.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

Not Quite Empty Nesters

We’re almost halfway through summer, and I once again find myself having so much to cover since my last post that even beginning leaves me overwhelmed.

Yet start I must if I’m going to finish.

That’s so often the solution to a problem, isn’t it? Just start.

Anyway. Now that the life lesson is out of the way, here’s a quick catch up since my last post.

Family News

Jude went to basic training in early June. He’ll actually be finished next weekend, if all goes well. The worst is behind him now, so that seems likely. Then he’ll be on to his specialization training as a combat engineer.

I’m very proud, and also relieved that he’s come this far without major mishap. But this is only the beginning—so my brain keeps reminding me. Still, I’ll take the blessings where I find them.

Speaking of kids, Jabin has been working as a camp counsellor all summer, so we’ve barely seen him either. He’s currently home for only his second short visit of the season. He’s loving it, but being suddenly down by two has made things pretty quiet around here. (Especially since the one who remains is the quietest of the bunch.) We’re not quite empty nesters, but it’s felt like we are some nights as Jason and I sit down to supper by ourselves for the first time in twenty years.

Jason and I out for supper alone while on our vacation earlier this month.

My Secret Wish Knitting Website

I’ve spent most of the last three months putting in long hours on my new knitting website. And as of this week, it’s finally open (at www.mysecretwish.ca). I’m beyond excited.

Photo of my monitor displaying a section of the home page on the new My Secret Wish Knitting website when it was almost finished. I could practically taste victory!

And, as I dragged myself through the final tweaks this week, I thought I’d give myself the weekend before I made changes to my author website (that would be this one) to lean more into my author branding, but I couldn’t wait.

For one, I love playing with fonts and such. My trouble is deciding what to go with from all the ones I love, so I’m likely not finished playing with it yet. But I’m getting there.

For another, once the moment arrived when I felt like my knitting business had mostly set up camp over in the new place, I was itching to get rid of the vestiges of it here. Like a roommate who has too much stuff and has overstayed their welcome, my knitting business has really hampered the ways I could brand this website to appeal to my readers. This brand separation has been an excellent thing for my ability to fully express myself in these two unique aspects of my business and myself.

So the new website was a lot of work, and the project has put me seriously behind on my writing, but in the end, it will be a very good thing.

I’ve also reaffirmed how difficult I find it to focus on two areas of my business at once, especially with a major project that has an urgent deadline. Now that the knitting website is open, I’m going to experiment with shifting my focus back and forth between books and knitting on a weekly basis, but I’m not sure how it’s going to go. I expect I’ll have to give myself a lot of grace when I’m on a project deadline, but that I should be able to manage reasonably well the rest of the time.

However, after the extended break from writing fiction, I’m really ready to start again. It’s been good for my mental health that way. (Even if this project is posing some other mental health challenges which I’ll likely talk about in a future post.)

Family Vacation

Anyway, I haven’t only been building a website. In the first week of July, Jason, Noah, and I went to Radium Hot Springs for a family reunion for my mom’s side of the family that was also a memorial for my grandparents and my Uncle Bob. It was lovely, even if my two missing kids were the only two family members who couldn’t make it.

Selfie we took while hiking at Marble Canyon.

Noah looking cool next to me and Jason while we pose near one of the pools at the Paint Pots.

On the way home, though, we were caught in a wicked hailstorm near Calgary (one of many extreme weather events Alberta has experienced this year), and it was one of the more unique experiences of my life. It sounded like sitting inside a tympani during a performance of “The War of 1812”, and it looked like we were sitting in a river of hailstones.

Fortunately, the hailstones were not quite big enough to dent the vehicle, but stacked up fast enough on the windshield that our efforts to keep it clear with the wipers were somewhat in vain and ended up damaging one of the wipers a bit. (It’s fixed now, but we did end up driving through Calgary in the rain without functioning wipers, adding to the memories.)

Besides that adventure, we also got to see some gorgeous mountain scenery, hang out with my sister, meet her girlfriend, and realize we could have used at least another week off… and a permanent move to a mountain town (lol).

Company at Home

Last weekend, we also had a surprise visit from our friends Mark and Colleen, which meant a couple of lovely days visiting and relaxing. Colleen has a way of seeing the beauty of life that always leaves me inspired and rejuvenated. She reminds me to slow down and be in the moment… and during the final lap on that website project, it was a reminder I desperately needed.

View while drinking fancy iced mochas on the deck with Colleen. (Coffee supplied by Jason.)

Colleen always gives me the best gifts…

I managed to do a little reading this month, too, finally diving into the Grishaverse. I read Shadow and Bone a couple Sundays ago, and I’m super excited to start on the next one. It’s so well written, and it’s making me very anxious to start on my next Grigori book… which is a good thing.

My copy of Shadow and Bone on a new knitting design I was working on during our holiday.

And, speaking of writing, I’m looking forward to diving back into it in earnest next week. I’m still working on Every Bell that Rings, and now that the website project is wrapping up, I finally feel ready to give it the focus it needs. After that, I’ll get to write some mermaids again.

Anyway, that’s my news for now. I’m enjoying that feeling of having finished a major task, which is a big deal for an Enneagram 3 like me.

I hope your July is going well. What are you up to this weekend?

Through the Fire

It feels like a lifetime has happened in the last month.

Mere days after I put up my last post, Alberta entered into the worst wildfire season of our history. A fierce north-west wind combined with 30+ degree days and a tinder-dry landscape meant that soon there was a swath of fires on the map from southern Saskatchewan up to northwest Alberta and BC. The skies were orange, and air quality was terrible.

Everyone around here was talking evacuation plans. Drayton Valley was evacuated. Over the next few weeks, fires would touch or consume houses in many other communities closer to home for me.

While we never had a fire especially close to us, there were out-of-control wildfires southeast of Nampa, a community twenty minutes south of Peace River, and creeping toward the mill where my husband works. To the west of us about an hour, several more communities had to evacuate because of an out-of-control fire.

Firefighters were called in from other places. Technically, we’re all still under evacuation alert, though some rain last week means that some of the fires are now classified as being held or under control. As of this morning, there are sixty active wildfires in Alberta, out of 539 total. Several weeks ago at the peak, we had over 115 active, and we already had more burned area than the province normally gets during an entire season.

It was a scary time for everyone, and my heart is broken for those who lost their homes. I’m so very grateful it wasn’t worse, and that we remained unscathed. No, fire season isn’t over, but I do hope the worst is behind us.

My Facebook post from May 5, 2023. Images show our yard with heavy brown clouds above mostly brown grass.

However, despite the wildfire threat, life has continued apace, as it does. In the last month:

New website for My Secret Wish Knitting

I started and am over halfway through building a new separate website for my knitting business. For the first time ever, My Secret Wish Knitting will have a completely separate web presence from my personal/author brand. It’s a lot of work, and I’ve been pulling long hours, but I’m so excited about the flexibility this will give me to grow both businesses separately.

If all goes well, this new site will be open in a few weeks.

Jude leaving for the Army

My oldest son has been going through a rather long hiring process to get into the Canadian Armed Forces as a combat engineer. On Thursday, he went through the final stage, which was being sworn in for military service. Jason and I went to Edmonton with him for the ceremony.

He leaves for basic training on June 10.

Jude being sworn in to military service.

It’s officially official.

Posing with the proud parents.

Since we were in the city, we went somewhere different for lunch. We highly recommend the Portuguese Canadian Bakery on 118th in Edmonton! (I ribbed Jude about his stoic “smile.” His response: “I was smiling!”

Jabin Graduating

This weekend (June 3) is the grad ceremony for Jabin, my third-born. He’s going to be away during the week for most of the summer for his summer job as a camp counselor. So, pretty soon, my husband and I will get a taste of empty nest. Noah will still be here, but that will be the fewest number of kids we’ve ever had home at once.

Other Milestones

This Saturday also marks eight years since Levi went to heaven. I still miss him every day.

Also, I’m trying to revitalize my garden. I haven’t done any gardening (except some very negligent maintenance on my flower beds) since 2016, so my raised beds and the piles of dirt I’d had brought in that year to make more have been completely overrun by quack grass. I know that getting them back to usable state is likely to take the whole summer. My primary goal is to create a new flower bed near our new house so I can move my plants from the old trailer so we can sell it. (I don’t want them to get destroyed when the trailer is moved, so I’ve been slowing down the process.)

Despite the rain and a nasty stomach bug that has incapacitated me for good chunks of the last week (as well as our trip to Edmonton for Jude’s ceremony), I’ve managed to make a good start on this project. There’s still a loooong way to go. But it feels good to be making progress.

Keep an eye out for future gardening updates. I hope to keep having them to give. :-)

I decided to start by putting an empty bed into service. Each barrow-full of dirt is hard-won from an overgrown mound. Note the overgrown state of the beds behind it. I’ve got about eight of those to deal with. :-/

Among all that, I haven’t done much writing in the past month. I find I’m struggling with concentration and creativity for that kind of project, and I suspect the subject matter may be causing my resistance. Even though it’s a sweet romance, the heroine is dealing with issues that hit a little closer to home now than when I started plotting this book.

I know I’m dragging my feet on it now. I’m also dragging my feet on seeing a therapist to start working through the reasons why this book is so much harder now than it was before the traumatic events of a few months ago. I know I need to, but… I don’t feel ready, I guess? Also, it’s not like there’s nothing else going on.

Anyway. Everything in its time.

Happy Monday, friend. I hope your week is blessed.

Jude made me this wooden mermaid art for Mother’s Day. It’s like he knows me.

Summer is Coming

I’m writing this while sitting at the patio table on my deck, with flies buzzing, bullfrogs and robins singing, a dog laying nearby, and a couple of pots of pink dahlias in my line of sight. The dregs of my morning coffee sit beside my laptop, and the sun will soon tilt high enough in the sky that I’ll have to retreat indoors. But for now, I’m enjoying, for the first time ever in May, a morning working outside on my deck.

It’s peaceful. And healing.

There are definitely worse views…

It’s not often I go two months without updating this blog, and when I do, there are always reasons. Big reasons.

This time is no exception. After starting this year with so much hope and optimism, the last two months have been filled with enough drama and trauma to last me five years and another lifetime of therapy.

I’m not going to go into details, but the Coles notes (a.k.a. “summary” for my non-Canadian friends) is that my dad had another acute episode that involved him staying with us for a couple weeks before things got super-bad and he ended up in the psych ward for a month. Miraculously, he’s now recovered enough to be at home, and hopefully will avoid the situation that got him there in the first place from now on. This is, however, responsible for most of my current angst.

While that was going on, my maternal grandmother and my young niece both died on Easter Sunday. One was much more tragic than the other.

But more people know about my grandma than the other two incidents, which makes conversations interesting. Yes, I’m sad Grandma is gone, but honestly, her advanced dementia meant she’d been “gone” in almost every way for years, and she’s finally at peace. The other two situations I’m grieving aren’t just sad, though. There is a lot to process with both.

Just yesterday, I ran into one of my mom’s acquaintances who started going into this long (to me) string of condolences about my grandmother, and all I could think of was, “My grandmother? That’s, like, practically a blessing compared to everything else.” And then I word-vomited something along that line and fled.

Yep. I’m adulting well these days.

Which is why I’m seriously considering blowing off work as much as possible today so I can go play in the dirt… I mean, um, work in my yard. Weather like this in northern Alberta is rare in spring, and I feel like I’ve wasted so many springs stuck behind a desk. Last year, I spent spring at my father’s hospital bed, barely seeing the sun, and missed it altogether here in the north.

Not only that, my capacity has definitely shrunk again lately. I can bury myself in work, if I get involved in something, but then I pay for it later. And I don’t know if it’s trauma brain or perimenopause brain or a combination, but my concentration and focus are shot.

I could just blame spring cabin fever though. I mean, practically everyone’s feeling that.

And I can’t help but feel that playing in the dirt might be a therapy of its own. After all, I know that I tend to put my own health, pleasure, and mental well-being behind every other responsibility, and I’m trying to change that. That’s partly how I got here. Or maybe mainly.

I do have that Christmas novel I’m writing. But today, with the first hint of green coming out in the lawn, Christmas (or November, when the novel is slated to release) feels like an awfully long way away. :-)

Speaking of writing, I feel like I should mention the recent progress I’ve made in that department. Because yes, I’ve still been writing a little, despite everything.

I’m a little over a third of the way through the first draft of Every Bell that Rings, the second book in my sweet romance series. It’s an enemies-to-lovers thing, but since it’s sweet and clean, the “enemies” part is more like “you annoy me and I’m bearing a grudge” than full-on war. I haven’t written this trope before, so it’s been fun to work through it. I have a feeling I’ll be tweaking in a little more tension during the revisions, too.

And, as per usual, issues dear to my heart seem to be working their way in there. Like the plight of foster kids, and homophobia, and what it means to really love someone. And yes, addictions. That one’s a little closer to my current situation than I wish it were, which may be why I feel like I’m struggling with the plot a bit. But, as I said, I’m working through it. No matter how messy it gets, I’ll fix it in revisions.

And! I now have a handy-dandy little progress chart in my blog sidebar for folks who like to check on those sorts of stats. (And seeing the little bar creep across the chart is good for me, too.)

My non-fiction book-in-progress, The Flexible Writer’s Blueprint, is on hold until I get this Christmas book finished and ready to go.

And, after all the recent drama, I’m getting very anxious to start writing the next volume in my Rise of the Grigori series. Sweet romance is great, but what I really want to write are some big feelings and epic stakes and world-ending problems I can solve on the page—where it feels so much easier to do than in real life.

Okay, excuse my drama. I feel like I’m a bit justified right now, though.

A couple weeks ago, I was playing around with Canva’s text-to-image AI art generator and came up with some cool new promo images to use for the Rise of the Grigori series. I can’t stop staring at this picture of Calandra…

While I’m at it, I should probably mention that the entire Rise of the Grigori series is on sale this month for Mer-May. And I’m participating in some other book promotions too.

Alright, it’s time to decide what to do with the rest of my day. Write? Take a walk? Go hack at some weeds?

The possibilities are endless…

But I take courage in knowing that, no matter how dark the winter, summer is coming.

A photo of a framed poem my grandmother Ivis McCarty painted and gave away many times. This one has been hanging in her room for the last decade or so. It’s a reminder I need right now.

Blessings, friend. I hope whatever 2023 has brought your way so far, you’ll be better for it in the long run.

And me too.

Call Me Jane Jetson

In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t noticed, the world is currently undergoing an explosion of AI/machine-based learning advancements. And you’d have to have been under a rock not to have been confronted with people talking about apps like ChatGPT, Midjourney, or AI narration at every turn for the last several months. And no wonder—the results people are producing with these apps can be truly astonishing in their beauty or simulation of human quality. And they just keep getting better.

Like many people, I’m looking at the ways these apps could transform society and our lives with both a mix of excitement, curiosity, and fear. Which is winning depends on the day. :-) After all, even Rosey Jetson seemed to cause as many problems as she solved.

However, despite my concerns about the potential for a robot-pocalypse, I’m also trying to approach these tools with an open mind toward how they could improve our lives. Because there is no doubt that we are at a pivotal turning points in human history that will resonate through time. AI’s impact will be akin to the invention of the printing press, the gas-powered vehicle, or the Internet.

It’s both exhilarating and terrifying to be alive right now.

So far, my experiments with so-called “robots” have mostly had to do with practical ways to improve my business. For instance, I’ve used an AI-powered app called Timely for several years to reduce the time I spend keeping track of and logging my daily activities. And I’ve played with ChatGPT and am quite excited about the ways I’ll be able to use it as both a research assistant and a brainstorming partner to help me write better, more interesting books and produce them more quickly by accelerating some of my thinking process.

I’ve already mentioned my experiments with AI narration, having had All I Want for Christmas digitally narrated through a company called DeepZen in late 2021, and releasing The Friday Night Date Dress on audiobook last fall, which I created using Google’s auto-narration services.

Since publishing the audiobook of The Friday Night Date Dress, I’ve been working on creating an auto-narrated audiobook of Every Star that Shines. Thanks to multiple other projects taking higher precedence, I didn’t publish it until today.

However, my dallying paid off, as Google Play Books released an update that allowed me to use a limited multi-cast recording feature to differentiate between voices better while listening, which is pretty cool, actually.

After completing the main book, I decided I also wanted to have an audio version of the bonus epilogue I created as a newsletter sign-up cookie, which I couldn’t create using Google’s auto-narration services as it would conflict with their terms of service to not have it available on their platform. So I went looking for other options, and that led me to ElevenLabs.

Even though the service is still in beta, the quality of narration for an audiobook is far beyond anything else I’ve heard. The AI wasn’t just reading the book—it was performing it. Check out this sample of the first few minutes:

Compare this to the sample of the Google auto-narrated audiobook of Every Star that Shines:

While Google’s auto-narration is pretty good, you know you’re listening to a robot. If you didn’t tell me the ElevenLabs version was AI, I probably wouldn’t have guessed.

The ElevenLabs service currently has limitations that makes creating an entire audiobook this way not very feasible for me, time-wise. (One of the many annoying limitations is only being able to render 2.5 minutes of audio at a time, and then you have to stitch all the pieces together in recording software later. For a full-length audiobook, I would need to hire someone to do this for me, because I can’t justify the time investment for myself. And if I’m going to do that, I’m now in the budgetary realm of hiring a narrator—which is completely out of reach right now.) But I’m excited to see where they go from here, because this is such a vast improvement over anything else in the market, it’s only a matter of time before it becomes not only the most financially economical but also time-efficient method of creating audiobooks.

Do I still want to create human-narrated audiobooks for my work? Absolutely. But in the meantime, I’m excited about the many ways that the current explosion in AI technology is enhancing our lives now, and how it will do so into the future.

Frankly, I could go for a J.A.R.V.I.S. to help me with tasks that are currently so time-consuming and costly that they inhibit what I can achieve.

What about you? How do you feel about the current flood of AI technology, and in what ways have you used it, might you use it, or do you refuse to use it? Let me know in the comments!

And if you’re into small town sweet romance on audio, please grab your copy of Every Star that Shines!

See Book

Finding Hope in Trying Times

Image by Prateek Gautam, courtesy of Unsplash.

For the last six months or so, ever since one of my non-driving kids got a job that often requires him to work on Saturday mornings, my husband and I have taken that opportunity (after dropping him off) to go on a date at our local coffee shop. Not only does Java Domain serve great coffee, but on Saturdays, they pair that up with fresh-baked cinnamon buns. It’s a good chance for my hubby and I to enjoy a treat and some time to connect at the same time.

This week, I have to confess, the conversation was a little bleaker than usual. There are a lot of scary things happening in our world and in our country, and most of them are completely out of our control.

If I think about those things too long, it’s very easy to become overwhelmed and derailed from my purpose. After all, how can what I’m doing to brighten up the world make any difference if the forces of darkness keep covering the world in shadow?

What difference are my words and efforts truly making?

Then I remember three things:

God has written the end of the story.

My mission is only to do my assigned work and let him worry about the results.

Even one candle flame in the darkest night can bring hope.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But today, I will pick up my pen and paper and continue to do what God has called me to do.

And trust that that will be enough.

When all around is winter dark, remember even one candle can bring hope and light.

“The sacred rights of mankind are not to be rummaged for among old parchments or musty records. They are written, as with a sunbeam, in the whole volume of human nature, by the Hand of Divinity itself, and can never be erased or obscured by mortal power.”

— Alexander Hamilton

Couples to "ship" for Valentines Day

The first Valentine’s Day my future husband and I had together, we were still in college. However, I was about to discover how romantic my boyfriend could be on a budget: he arranged with my roommate to help him fill my bedroom with balloons, streamers, a banner, and a single rose taped to my Anne Geddes plaque-board art to cover the one held by the little boy in the image. In contrast, I think I’d gotten him a card.

I’m still not nearly as good at romantic gestures as my husband is, but I do enjoy a good romance story. Which is why I write romance so heavily in my books–everything’s a little sweeter with some love involved, amiright?

Allow me to introduce you to some of my favourite couples from my books:

Peter and Melinda

The Friday Night Date Dress is a sweet inspirational romance available in eBook, digitally narrated audiobook, and paperback.

The Friday Night Date Dress

Peter is an aspiring photographer from India working as a delivery truck driver in Calgary. Melinda is a grieving diner waitress who buries herself in designing gorgeous dresses during her off hours. She’s invisible to everyone except Peter, who finds in her his muse and the motivation he seeks to take a step forward in his career (with a little push from his meddling sister). And, with Peter’s help, Melinda finds the courage to start living again.

A clean inspirational romance novella with all the feels.

Steve and Sarah

Finding Heaven is a gripping emotional page-turner available in paperback, hardback, and eBook.

Finding Heaven

While this romance isn’t nearly so sweet, it’s even more heartfelt. Sarah’s life looks perfect on the outside, but she feels trapped in a hell of her own making–an abusive marriage, a lacklustre career path, and now, a cancer diagnosis. But then she meets Steve–the kindest, most honourable person she’s ever met. He shows her it’s not too late to change her life, but she’s not sure if she should trust him. After all, everyone’s hiding something, right? And when she discovers Steve’s secret, it rocks her to her core. Can Sarah and Steve still find heaven?

A gripping romantic women's fiction.

Caleb and Delanie

Every Star that Shines is a sweet and clean small town romance, available in eBook, paperback, and dust-jacketed hardcover. Coming soon in digitally narrated audiobook.

Every Star that Shines

Ah, second-chance romances–my favourite trope. Delanie has dreamed of being on the stage since she was a child, and her high school sweetheart always knew that’s where she belonged. But instead of heading off to film school together after high school, Caleb stayed behind to help his sick dad with the family farm–and was married with a kid a year later. That was ten years ago, and now Delanie’s back in town helping with the now-divorced Caleb’s daughter’s play. With all the water under the bridge between these two, can they work through the past to find a future together?

A clean & sweet small-town romance with a Hallmark movie vibe.

Osaze and Calandra

The Undine’s Tear (Rise of the Grigori Book 1) is a young adult epic historical mermaid fantasy, available in eBook, paperback, and hardback.

Rise of the Grigori series

This story isn’t yet complete, but I have high hopes for these two. Osaze, a human boy raised on the undine (mermaid) island of Sirenia, has loved Calandra since he was a child–before he was forced into Redemption at age twelve, as all human men are. Calandra, the queen’s niece, promised to Release him from the mind-bond, even though she would risk death to do so–and it isn’t until after she manages it that she realizes Osaze’s feelings for her. These two young lovers have a lot of growing up to do (and a world to save) before they can have a happily ever after, but what they’ve been through already is quite the wild ride.

If you love young adult epic fantasy set in an alternate version of our own world, check out Book 1 of the series, The Undine’s Tear.

Valentine’s Day Book Blowout:Get paperback and print copies of these books for ridiculously low prices.

The original book cover paperbacks for The Friday Night Date Dress are on clearance for the next two weeks, along with several other titles. (Original cover shown.)

I need to create space in my storage area for upcoming titles, which means I’m clearing out original cover versions of my books at a deeply discounted price. (Basically, I’m just making sure I cover the portion of the shipping I normally absorb into my own cost.)

This means you get unheard-of rock-bottom prices on all of the OG cover versions of my books. Books labelled "original edition" have also been revised—which means these original versions could be collector's items someday.

Here’s what’s on sale:

The Friday Night Date Dress original edition & cover paperback - $2.99 CAD

Finding Heaven original cover paperback - $4.99 CAD

The Undine’s Tear original edition & cover paperback - $4.99 CAD

The Undine’s Tear original edition & cover hardback - $5.99 CAD

If you live in the US or Canada, check out the discounted books on my website at the links above and pick up a sweet gift for you or someone you love.

You can also see all the books on sale at this link:

See Print Book Clearance

My lowest price ever! Get your copy before they sell out!

Happy Monday! May your week be wonderful!

The Year of Magic

As the change of the calendar is for so many, the holiday season was a time of reflection and resetting for me.

Honestly, this process is still ongoing, but I did the lion’s share of it over the two weeks I was supposedly “on holidays” over the break. It was kick-started by discovering the amazing StoryBrand-based podcast Marketing Made Simple early in December and inhaling over a year’s worth of content in a few weeks. (Highly recommend this podcast and the book Building a Story Brand by Donald Miller to anyone, ever. It’s that good.)

As part of that, I was able to clarify my overarching brand message in a way I haven’t managed before. In the process, I also found my Phrase of the Year:

Unleash magic.

Last year was a year of resetting the foundations of my business infrastructure. I spent most of the year overhauling my website and brand in small chunks at a time, and implementing and tweaking my systems.

In November, I hired someone to help with designing some of my social media posts to help me grow parts of my business I’ve been neglecting—a decision I don’t regret. Even though I’ve generally stepped back from social media to bare minimum levels, that’s due to lack of time as much as the low ROI on that time social media yields. (I’m hoping the Pinterest-first social media strategy I hired her to help me implement in the coming year will make this investment worthwhile.)

In December, my marketing mind was blown by the StoryBrand framework, and I clarified my overarching brand message to I help readers, writers, and knitters elevate the ordinary and unleash magic with words and yarn. A few tweaks to my website, and I immediately saw my conversion rate for knitting pattern sales go up.

My new message banner. It inspires me, so I hope that means it will inspire people like you, too!

There’s always more to learn, obviously. But I haven’t felt this confident and excited to launch into a new year for years.

The last few years have been full of physical, mental, and emotional setbacks for me, and they took their toll. I needed to allow myself that time of resetting over the past year to rest and heal as much as possible. But now that healing is well underway, I’m ready to expand and grow once more.

So if last year was about resetting foundations, this year is about growth. In both my business and my life, I’m looking forward to unleashing a little magic—to once more stepping out into the mission I feel called to live:

To help you experience and unleash a little more magic in your everyday, too.

Let 2023 be the Year of Magic. For me, and for you, friend.

Would you like to experience a little more magic in your inbox this year? If so, be sure to sign up for my newsletter(s). You’ll get some free gifts to get you started!

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Top 5 Places to Visit on Sirenia

When you finally book that vacation to your favourite fantasy spot, it helps to have an insider’s guide to find all the hidden-jewel beaches, the best local restaurants, and the must-see spectacular scenery. Who better to show you around than a local?

For decades, Nicandra kor’Nyx has operated an underwater selvedge business out of Haven, the centre of trade and the arts on Sirenia’s northeast shore. While she prefers to spend more time with a tail underwater than with legs on land, she’s seen most places there are to see on the island. Here are the top five must-see spots, in Nicandra’s own words.

(Though be warned—if you ever meet her, she is quite adamant about being called Nick. And don’t even think of addressing her as kyria.)

Sireniapolis

Some of the best places to hike are on the south shore—right around the capital, Sireniapolis, and all up the Paradise Valley. In fact, just climbing up to the Opal Palace is a bit of a hike, and that’s on paved streets with the canal right beside it and everything. But you get back into those black spires behind the city streets and there are some really pretty views. Not my thing, but some people like it. That’s where you’ll find the Light River Aqueduct that feeds water into the canal along the Street of Pearls. If you’re lucky, you might even see the royal family out swimming in the canal while you’re there.

Inspiration for the Paradise Valley. Na Pali Coast, Kauai. Image by Braden Jarvis, courtesy of Unsplash.

The city itself is pretty incredible, of course. You’ve got the Temple of Atargatis, the Court of the Redeemed, and the Opal Palace itself. And if you ever get a chance to go to the Human Quarter, there’s this amazing little restaurant in an inn called the Mermaid’s Curse. Named by the owner, some woman from England. She’s got a sense of humour, that one. And what a great joint. Best snapper you’ve ever eaten, I swear.

But if you want to see the Heartstone, forget it. Only royalty and stone healers ever get to see the Light of Atargatis. But there are some pretty paintings of it you can pick up at the market. If you’re lucky, you might find a datastone capture of the image, but those are rare.

Not exactly Sireniapolis, but there are similarities. Oia, Greece. Image by Joshua Rondeau, courtesy of Unsplash.

Fire Lake

Most tourists eventually head to Fire Lake, the tourist town around the caldera in the centre of the island. It’s a steep afternoon’s journey, so rent a horse and carriage if you can. But the lake and the scenery make the trip worthwhile. Rent a villa for yourself or the family, do morning ablutions at the Shrine of Atargatis, and enjoy nighttime swims beneath the stars. History buffs can take tours of the mine where the only revolution in undine history was staged almost twenty years ago. Don’t worry, the douloi who work there are all contained, and there have been no incidents of any Unredeemed men since. You’ll be perfectly safe.

Fire Lake? A similar stunning view on the island of Fira, Greece, part of an archipelago created by an ancient volcanic eruption that may have inspired the story of Atlantis. Image by Horizontal Fall, courtesy of Unsplash.

Haven

As you head north, you’re bound to hit Haven eventually. This is Sirenia’s only city besides Sireniapolis. While the capital is full to the gills with healers and sirens, thanks to the Royal Academy in the palace, Haven is an artisan’s dream. Most of the girls who didn’t have quite enough talent with the elements to make it at the Academy end up in a guild of some kind in Haven. A lot of stone healers set up business there, too.

You could spend an entire day just in the market, looking at all the sculptures, textiles, and interesting crystal datastones. My sister, Nelly, has an antiques shop at the corner of the Weaver’s Square. She sells a lot of my selvedge. You should check it out.

While you’re there, stop at the seafood restaurant next door. Clams don’t get fresher than that unless you dig them out of the sand yourself.

Lush farmland near Haven. Image by Daniele Nabissi, courtesy of Unsplash. (I believe this photo is also from Kauai, Hawaii.)

Trinity

This little village on the northwest shore is the island’s best-kept secret. Definitely the friendliest place on Sirenia, you’ll be welcomed like a long-lost sister. It’s also the most musical place on the island, thanks to the music school there. Students don’t study sirensong like at the Royal Academy, but listening to the Trinity Choir’s rendition of the Hymn to Atargatis is a transcendent experience.

The best part is, of course, the food. Go to Calliope’s Cloister—their signature tuna fricassé is worth its own column. The owner’s grandmother got the recipe from a human woman she partnered with. Won’t tell a soul how she makes it.

Photo by Laura Adai on Unsplash.

While you’re there, take an underwater tour of the caves along the shore on the west side. Supposedly they’re full of fire opals like the one the Heartstone is made of, but I think that’s a guppy’s tale. Haven’t found anything more exciting than selenite myself, but that doesn’t stop tourists from trying. Everyone wants to be the one to solve the Heartstone problem—as if you could just replace it. No, that’s a stone healer problem. I’ve heard the young princess is showing some promising talent in this area. Maybe she’ll be the one who finally gets it working again.

Did she find opals, or is she just having fun? Image by Karsten Winegeart, courtesy of Unsplash.

Atlantis

Technically, this isn’t on Sirenia, but it’s still well within the barrier—only an hour or so north of Haven by submersible. You probably don’t want to go into the Sunken City itself—rumour is, it’s haunted. However, the trip out there is worth the ride. You’ll see plenty of underwater wildlife and get to relax away from the stresses of daily life. And, even from afar, the architecture of Atlantis is a sight to behold. Bring your friends and make it a girls’ day, but leave the douloi on shore—a lot of humans get seasick, unless they were sailors when they were Harvested. No one wants to spend two hours in a submersible with sick on the carpet.

And don’t worry about a barrier breech by a human ship. With the additional siren pods the queen has posted lately, hardly any ever get through, and those that do are processed immediately. Again, you’re perfectly safe.

But if you find a fire opal anywhere, be sure to get a message to the queen. Desperate times, desperate measures, and all that.

Atlantean gardens are mostly populated with anemones and sea cucumbers these days. Image by Scott Webb, courtesy of Unsplash.

Some of the “ghostly” denizens you might run into in Atlantis. Image by Taylor Boivin, courtesy of Unsplash.

Thank you to Archeolibrarian for hosting the original post. And thanks for joining me on this tour of Sirenia! What place do you want to visit first? Let me know in the comments.

This post is a piece of bonus content for the Rise of the Grigori young adult epic mermaid fantasy series.

About the series:

One mistake could unleash hell…

Three thousand years ago, a Mad undine healer sank Atlantis. Ever since, the Heartstone that protects the undines’ island has been failing and they haven’t produced a single boy. As the most powerful healer in three millennia, Calandra is the last hope of not only her people, but the entire world. Because if she can’t figure out how to undo her ancestor’s mistake, the Father of Lies will unleash hell on Earth.

Packed with complex characters, lush world-building, gritty action, and impossible odds, this intricately woven tale presents mermaids like you’ve never seen them before. Join Calandra in a search for redemption that will threaten the very fabric of the universe.

Check out the books In this series:

Part One: Introducing the Rise of the Grigori series

Part Two: Where the idea for this series came from

Part Three: Author Interview and a peek beneath Calandra’s bed

Part Four: Narcissa gives us the low-down on Calandra’s true colours

Part Five: The Seed Ideas that became the fantasy world for Rise of the Grigori

Part Six: The Story Behind the Name (What’s an Undine’s Tear?)

Part Seven: Mermaid Secrets and Dwarf Duels (with a bonus scene)

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