Talena Winters's Blog, page 21
March 24, 2017
Reset
This week has been all about taking a step back, reassessing, and hitting the reset button.
A post shared by Talena Winters (@talenawinters) on Jan 26, 2017 at 11:18am PST
The Writing
As I hinted last week, I have been struggling with my book lately. Things were getting out of control, it was broken, and I just didn't know how to fix it. I even had a meltdown last week, and I'm so thankful that my friend Colleen managed to talk me down from the "just-kill-them-all-and-start-something-new" ledge.
I'm also thankful that I have been involved with a critique group since last fall. On Monday night, at our regularly-scheduled confab, my colleagues very gently, very kindly told me to throw out an entire chapter from last week's submission--a first for me.
And they were right. I thought about how I'd been struggling so hard to make the book do what I wanted it to do for the past several weeks, and realized that the problems they saw were exactly the reason why. My book was broken. I had lost my story, the reason for telling it.
It was time to reset.
So this week, I have been re-reading the entire thing from the beginning. Yes, all 129,000 (!) words. Now that I know my characters and my world pretty well (since I'm quite close to finishing the book), it was good to go back and tweak a few things anyway, but also to remind myself of the direction in which I had begun. I'm only about half-way through, thanks to a week that went nothing according to plan. But I can already tell that once I hit the tail end of the words I have already written, the goal will be in sight and it will be pretty much a straight shot to get there. Resetting was the right decision.
Fruits and vegetables for days!
The Body
The other thing that's been getting reset this week is my health. The last few months, I have had some of the worst brain fog and exhaustion of my entire life, barring the nine months or so immediately after Levi died. I knew that I was still struggling with the exhausted adrenal glands brought on by the trauma and shock of losing him, but I also knew that I could do something about it. (You know it's bad when you caffeinate and then need a nap worse than ever.)
Last summer, I juice-fasted for about 45 days, then eased myself off of the fast over the next two weeks to address several serious health concerns. It worked, and in the process I lost the 30 pounds I had put on from stress-eating the previous summer.
It also successfully allowed my body to get rid of the fibroid cyst on my ovary that may have otherwise required surgery, as my doctor was concerned about the potential of cancer. (Can you see why I was willing to do something extreme?)
So this week, I began juice fasting again. By day three, I had already noticed a significant improvement in my cognitive powers and alertness. Today is day four, and I feel so much better than I did a week ago that I know I made the right choice. (Plus, I'm already down six pounds of extra winter "fluff". Bonus!)
I do not intend to go for nearly as long as last time. My current goal is 10 days. I'm thinking that I may still go see a natural health care practitioner afterwards for more suggestions of ways I can support my body right now--but I know that this was a good step.
This time around, Jason has decided to juice fast with me, too. He's only on day two, as he was away for the first part of the week. I'll keep you posted how we both fare.
Lady of the Lake, though art beautiful but tiresome...
The Knitting
In the meantime, I am making very slow progress on my "Lady of the Lake" shrug that I began on our way to India in October. Slow, because I do not find the knitting on this design particularly enjoyable--though I love the result. I put a pattern repeat or two on it ever week or so (each repeat taking two hours--yes, I timed it), so it is slowly growing. At this rate, it should be done in about five years. :-)
Happy Friday, friend!
March 23, 2017
Four Years Ago Today...
This little dynamo joined our family.
Photo taken March 27, 2013.
Getting him to hold still for a photo was nearly impossible...
March 23, 2013.
Unless you strapped him in a chair.
March 27, 2013
Or to Daddy...
March 29, 2013
Or he had an important phone call to make...
March 29, 2013
You made our family complete, Levi.
April 3, 2013. 1 year plus 1 day old and loving life.
We love you and miss you. But this day, the day you joined us? It's still a day to celebrate.
March 23, 2013. The Winters boys.
March 18, 2017
Full Circle
Good morning, blog. I had no idea when I got up this morning that this is the day I would come back here, finally, and reintroduce myself.
I've missed you while I've been away. Have you missed me?
There were many times I thought stopping by for a while, but something always stopped me. No, it wasn't just the other project (my novel) that used up all my words before I could come to see you. I just didn't know what to say. I was confused, blog, I confess. It wasn't you, it was me.
Remember in the early days, when things were so effortless between us? I'd come see you and talk about my kids and my life and my knitting and be just a little silly about it, and I would go away feeling a little better about it all and you would go away with your word tank full. Those were good times, weren't they?
Copyright: pinkstudio / 123RF Stock Photo
But things always change. My kids got older, and I got worried that posting their latest escapades on the world wide web may lead to negative social and safety repercussions for them. I even worried about their future selves--that some future version of themselves may have to pay for my decision to post about the bad day we just had potty training. And as they aged, let's face it, they said less and less of those crazy things that we love that kids say--you know, the ones we always laughed long and loudly about over tea.
And that was okay, because we found other things to talk about, didn't we? We talked about gardening, and my crazy thoughts, and knitting--always the knitting. And life was still good between us, blog, because we still had lots to talk about.
And then I decided that I wanted to become an author. I started listening to all these other voices that told me what you should do for my platform, and what kinds of things I should talk about, and things just became awkward between us. I didn't want to be the neighbourhood know-it-all who was certain I had a much better idea how to do something than others did. So for a while, I didn't know what to type. Things just got weird between us, and I claim full responsibility for that.
But the longer I sat and thought about it, the more I realized that you and I have developed a unifying purpose and belief that would set us apart--we want every person to realize how amazing they are, just as they are, because God made them, don't we? I wanted people who read you to be encouraged to become kinder, more loving, and more open to seeing the beauty of this life.
And it became easier to talk to you again for a while. You've helped me through some really tough times. Even after Levi died, you and I always had plenty to talk about. Okay, I did the talking, because hey, you make the best listener. Have I ever told you that?
But even then, I put these restrictions on myself--I had to talk about certain things, and every post had to have a point--an encouraging point. As I worked through the most devastating event of my entire life, I was continually working to look for how I could encourage myself and others through it.
And it was good, blog. I'm glad you let me do that. I needed to do it, so I wouldn't sink into the pits of despair, so I could heal and learn and grow. But it was also kind of exhausting. And putting all that work into making sure I would have something to say to you meant that my book--my poor, neglected book--would sometimes go for a whole week waiting for me to come and say hi.
That's why I needed the break. I am so tired, blog, or at least I was. I was tired of trying to make our every conversation match some preconceived notion of what our relationship should be. I was tired of trying to be encouraging and inspirational. I needed time to just heal. And the book needed me more than you did.
Copyright: cienpies / 123RF Stock Photo
But things are changing again, blog. Spring is coming, and I want to tell you about the plans I've been making. I've been finding more energy. The current book is nearing the end of this phase, and I'll soon have more time to talk to you--and, let's be honest, it's in that frustrating teenager stage where it doesn't really want to do what I say. Sometimes I want to talk to you for a while instead to take a mental break.
I've missed you, blog. But our time apart has been good for me. I've had time to think about how to make our time together fun again, without endangering my children's future careers and while hopefully making it so my other friends want to hang out with us once in a while, too.
We're going back to the good old days, where I talked to you about things for fun. There will be fewer random rants about the frustrating days of motherhood, because my actual teenagers are at a pretty good place right now. (Yay!) There will be far fewer rants about "causes" such as natural health, because that's just something I do, now, not something on which I proselytize. And chances are, there will be far more updates about knitting, cooking, gardening, and the frustrations of writing. And still the occasional inspirational post from the ruminations I've been ruminating. All with a dash of silliness.
We're starting something new, blog. I'm kind of excited to see what the "something new" will be. But I'm most excited to know that, when we do talk, it will be because we both want to be here. Eleven years later, and we're still going strong.
Sounds like more fun already, doesn't it?
Copyright: ulkas / 123RF Stock Photo
Happy Saturday, friend. Please stick around. Good things are happening here.
February 3, 2017
Left-Leaning Bar Increase from the Purl Side
A little while back, I received a question (hi, Andrea!) about how to make a Left-Leaning Bar Increase (which is made by knitting into the front and back loop of the same stitch, written kfb or k1fb)--from the purl side. In other words, not a pfb (which actually creates the look of the Right-Leaning Bar Increase), but how to duplicate the exact look of the kfb when working on the other side of the fabric.
And guess what? I figured it out! :-)
When working a kfb, on the knit side of your fabric, you work to the stitch you want to increase. Usually, this is the stitch after a stitch marker. Then you knit into the front leg and the back leg of the same stitch before slipping it off the left needle. The result is an extra stitch on the left of the original one that has a little bar across its base, like this:
Left-leaning bar increase detail. This was made from the knit side of the fabric.
To create this exact look from the other side of the fabric, on the purl side:
Work to one stitch before marker. Slip stitch knitwise onto right needle, then slip directly back onto left needle.Knit into the front leg. Drop stitch from left needle.Use the left needle to pick up the right loop of the stitch directly below the one you just created from the right side of the yarn. This will create a loop on the left needle with the right leg in front, which extends from the same stitch you just worked into.Purl into the front leg of this picked up stitch.That's it! If you check the knit side of your work, it should look like you just made a kfb--except you and I both know better, don't we? *wink, wink.*
This tutorial can also be found in the Stitch Tutorials section of my site here.
Happy knitting!
The bottom increase was done from the knit side. The remainder were made on the purl side of the fabric.
January 18, 2017
Getting Unstuck
Yep, I know it's been pretty quiet around the blog, lately.
Behind the scenes, I've been doing a lot. The holidays were spent sewing, catching up on some projects that have been stuck for a while. I finished a sun dress I cut out in the summer of 2015 one day when I seriously didn't know what to do with myself.
Remembering the day I cut it out, I realize that I do that kind of thing pretty often. I think this is pretty normal, isn't it? There are times like that, aren't there? You're too emotional, tired, or stressed to concentrate on anything you need to do, so you pick something at random completely unrelated to your everyday life and do that instead to blow off steam.
For me, those random tasks, if left unfinished, become a stress in themselves. They sit there and taunt me, reminding me that there is one more thing I haven't finished yet, demanding my attention, waiting for its turn. Thus I walk the fine line between my projects giving me pleasure or pressure. I'm learning how to see them the first way more and to ignore the latter.
So the dress was finished, followed by three pairs of pajamas for Jude, who has been sprouting like a weed, along with plenty of fun bow ties--a quickie project I discovered when I made them for November's Fantastic Beasts joint birthday party. I also finished a few other projects that had been in progress for a year or more.
A photo posted by Talena Winters (@talenawinters) on Dec 16, 2016 at 8:26am PST
You'd think, after all that finishing, my creative juices would have been flowing like an Artesian Spring.
And they were--for some things. Sewing and clothing design? Check. Magazine writing work? Check. Knitting design? Check.
Writing my book? Um...
How about the blog? *eeeeeeek!!*
Every day since December 27, "Brainstorm blog schedule" has been on my list, and it keeps getting bumped. Or I would think about working on my book, and something held me back--it felt like lime jello, but harder to push through. Actually, it was really tempting just to plunk down and begin eating rather than push through at all.
Okay, that was a weird analogy. What I mean to say is, the activities that distracted me from pushing through my creativity barrier for the book were legitimate enough (such as designing and releasing my new "The OA" hat and cowl set) that I felt justified not stretching myself into the dark zone that surrounded creative writing for the last month.
There were other factors at play, too--grief was running rampant throughout December and into January. Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas, so I was able to observe a unique phenomenon: many people miss loved ones over the holidays and associate it with them being absent at the family Christmas, and I think this masks that there are other reasons that this time of year tends to culture sadness. Observing it in myself, I came up with these:
It is a time of looking back and looking ahead and assessing where you are in life, so the missing person's absence receives more attention.The further north you are, the less sun you get, and the combined lack of sunshine and resultant Vitamin D deficiency promote a blue state of mind which only exacerbates pre-existing grief.I am grieving more than just my son, too, although I dreamt of Levi more times in the last 45 days than I have in the entire time before that since he went to heaven. I still grieve for my brother, which is very difficult to explain to people and which feels like taboo to say aloud since he didn't die, just chose to become someone different, someone more her but not him. Even here, I am not explaining it well. I hope she understands what I mean.
This kind of grief is so uncommon (having a transgender family member) that there are very few who can relate, and to even try to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it is difficult because most people don't even understand what it means to be transgender. I'm still not 100% sure I understand it, although I try as best as I can from an observer's perspective. So most of the time, I don't mention the loss.
The people who do "get it"--what this grief is like--are other family members. But due to the strains of grief from both the loss of Levi and my sister's transition, other relationships have been strained, too. My dad and I have barely spoken in the last year, and I miss him a lot. I wonder if it is my fault. I don't think so, but I still wonder if there is something I can do to fix it. It's another loose end, another loss, a vacuum in my inner stratosphere that gnaws at me and leaves me grieving.
I've also been wrestling with a difficult choice in relation to my ministry with Faith Children Home. It has weighed heavily on me since October, and though I haven't even mentioned it to many people, is possibly the hardest issue in my life at the moment. I will not go into details here, but please pray for our family and for the orphanage if you have a few seconds and inclination to do so.
On the plus side, progress has recently been made on Finding Heaven. Last Thursday, I realized that the Jello was resistance to the creative work required to world-build the next part of my book, and my "butt has been in my chair, hands on keyboard" for significant time in the last four or five days. I'm getting back in the saddle. I'm pushing through the Jello. I'm a professional, darnit, and professionals don't let the fear win.
Lethargy still pulls at me, though. I don't know how to fit in blogging and still do the other things well right now. It's been nice to be so productive (with both designing and writing the book) and still get to spend time with my family and keep up on the accounting and do some sewing and "fun" stuff, too, that I hesitate to crank up the blog again because I am worried it will be too much and my house of cards will tumble.
Perhaps if I actually DO that blog planning, then it won't seem so scary to me. But this year, I want my primary focus to be on creating product within a reasonable workday. The marketing is important, but I'm just not convinced that the amount of time I was focusing on my blog is necessary for what I am trying to do. Perhaps a more relaxed plan will allow me to still blog (which I do enjoy most of the time) without feeling so much pressure and putting such high expectations on myself.
Yes, I have to learn to cut myself some slack. Probably in a lot of areas. Now I'm stressed about learning to be gentle on myself. Lol.
I'll figure it out. A day at a time, the log jam is loosening and the ideas are flowing. The sun is coming back, energy is returning, and I am pulling myself blinking from the retreat of hibernation.
A day at a time, the log jam is loosening and the ideas are flowing. The sun is coming back, energy is returning, and I am pulling myself blinking from the retreat of hibernation.
Photo courtesy of lakephotography/123rf.com.
I just think that, for my own mental and emotional health, this year needs to be less about driving myself and more about reducing commitments, taking care of myself, and finding my passion again. It needs to be about healing, something I may have been delaying in some areas because of my constant busy-ness. I need to focus on doing my primary callings--being a good wife and mother and friend. Learning how to manage a career within a 40-ish hour work week, and keeping that work secondary to the needs of myself and my family.
I like the idea that some people do of focusing on one word for a year rather than trying to make resolutions. I've never done it, and can't say as I am about to start. But as I think of the year to come, the words that come to mind that I think need to define it for me are these:
resthealHonestly, that's it. I thought "create" might be in there, but it seems too driven and counter-intuitive to the first two. It's not that I won't be creating stuff, because that's what I do for a living. But when I need to make a decision about whether or not to do something else, or when life is overwhelming me, I think I need to remember: 2017 is about resting and healing. If it takes away from that, then perhaps it is something that can wait.
Hello, friends. How has January been for you?
