Talena Winters's Blog, page 16

Mae Renfroe: Surrendered to God

Over that last several years, I have met many other women in the “Grieving Mothers Club”—the club none of us wants anyone else to join. One such mother is Mae Renfroe, who lost her second-eldest son, Clayton, in a quadding accident in April of 2017 at the age of fourteen. Mae recently reached out to me and offered to share her story with my readers, hoping that you may be encouraged.

And I hope you will, too.

Clayton Renfroe

Written by Talena Winters

It was an ordinary spring day in 2017 when twelve-year-old Sam Renfroe found his fourteen-year-old brother Clayton’s body pinned under a quad in the woods near their home. That day changed life for the Renfroes forever. However, as they grieved, they were sustained by their strong faith in Jesus Christ.

“The thing that helped most was feeling that there had to be a reason for this and that it was God’s will. Even though it seemed completely senseless, I felt a peace that only God can give. Since it seemed like such a ‘freak’ accident, it was clear to me that it was our son’s time to go, and that God had a plan for us in it. Accepting that fact, even though I was in great sorrow, gave me peace, comfort, and strength. It kept me going,” Mae says.

Mae and her husband, Paul, live in the rural community of Deadwood, Alberta. Including Clayton, they have eight children, with number nine due in April of 2019. Besides her faith, Mae found several things helpful with her grieving process during the first year, including reading books on grieving, listening to praise and worship music, prayer, and keeping busy with the other children—especially their eighth child, who was only three months old at the time of Clayton’s death.

“One time, I looked at her with tears running down my face and said, ‘You’re here just for my joy, aren’t you?’” Mae says.

The Renfroe family before Clayton’s death.

As she grieved, Mae felt God speaking to her through both the books she read and music she listened to. Some of the books were about grief, including personal testimonies of people coping with loss and tragedy, and some were for developing her Christian walk. Both had an impact.

“I felt God in such a real way, like he was personally speaking to me through those books, especially the one I was in the middle of reading at the time our son died. That was a wonderful feeling. When I laid down to nurse our baby, I would get that book off my headboard and read. It was like God knew what I needed to hear right then and purposely had me reading that book ‘for such a time as that.’ And of course, God does know what we need before we do and without us asking. I love how our Heavenly Father works,” Mae says.

Mae believes she has been grieving well, and credits the support of not just God, but also her mother in helping her get through times that are more difficult.

“There are still moments when things hit me and it hurts. In those times, I either I go to God in earnest prayer, where I find solace and comfort, or talk to someone, such as my mom, who understands and can help me walk through my pain again and help me to see things the way I should,” Mae says.

Paul and Mae have helped their children navigate the grieving process by talking and praying with them and being available when they needed to share their feelings. The children have been handling their grief in different ways, from talking to their parents, journaling and other forms of writing, and through the passage of time.

“Sam took it very hard. He was Clayton’s best buddy and only roommate and did everything together with him. There were various things he had to work through. It took at least the whole first year until Sam could look back at it and see it as okay. I think having us to talk to has helped the children understand that when our time here on earth is over, there is nothing that we can do about it but trust in God,” Mae says.

Sam and Clayton

Since the accident, Mae appreciates each of her children more, and tries not to take a single moment with them for granted.

“I feel like I have a different outlook on life. More than ever, I see my children as the precious blessings and gifts from God that they truly are. I view each new day as a gift and life itself as nothing short of a miracle. I don't live in fear and still make plans for the future, but I also know that we are not guaranteed another day. However, I have right now, and I plan to use this moment for God. Time is short, we need to use it wisely,” Mae says.

For other grieving parents, Mae recommends that they allow themselves the necessary time to experience the process.

“We all grieve differently. There is no quick fix, these things take time. Don't rush the grieving process or healing. You will never get over it, but you will learn to live with it. And don't try to understand it or figure out why. I don't think we will ever know completely why this side of heaven, and that's okay, we don't need to know. We just need to know who is in charge and on the throne,” Mae says.

Since losing Clayton, Mae has been working toward her certification as a Christian Life Coach, with a focus on purposeful mothering and helping women cope with loss. She and her oldest son, Nathan, are also authors. While Mae wrote through her grieving process on her blog, Nathan created a booklet about his experience called Sunshine from Death. The Renfroe family has come through this tragedy not just surviving, but thriving, thanks to their faith in God and their love for each other.

“In difficult times like these, pull into Jesus. Start praying and don't stop. He will be the lifeline that strengthens you to keep going and gives you new energy and joy. Your story doesn't end with your tragedy. Rest in God, knowing He is with you and for you and has an amazing plan for you in and through this,” Mae says.

For more about the Renfroes, their amazing story of faith and hope, or Mae’s grief coaching, please check out their website at http://www.lightsforjes.com/ .

As I was thinking about this post this weekend, knowing it would be going up today, this beautiful song from the film Joseph, King of Dreams kept going through my head. I feel that it epitomizes Mae’s beautiful faith in facing the loss of her son. Enjoy. (Fun bonus: I found this cover of the song by a young group of singers called the AsidorS. If you can smile past the nineties-tastic synth piano, it’s a really beautiful version of the song. And they are all fantastic singers.)

You Know Better Than I

Written by John Bucchino

I thought I did what’s right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road but that road led me here.
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now, just when I have given up, the truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don’t know is part of getting through
I tried to do what’s best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do is put my trust in you

You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was the sky
I saw one bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me, will you teach me?

For you know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
I’ll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

Finding Peace in the Pain

For many, the holidays can be a difficult time of year. Perhaps you are grieving someone you lost, or are disappointed by a holiday that has never met the perfect ideal promoted by others. Or maybe there are other painful memories associated with this time of year.

The holiday season itself is not a trigger for me, but I do understand triggers. Boy, do I ever. Just this past week, I had two really rotten days because of triggers that sparked a fresh wave of grief. Something as simple as driving down the road or backing out of my parking spot can spark a memory of the trauma of my son dying in my arms on the way to the hospital.

But that doesn’t mean PTSD is a perpetual state, or that I am in constant turmoil about the way the world works or the lot that I have in it. I’ve done my wrestling, and I’ve found peace.

A couple of weeks ago, a pastor friend of ours asked Jason and I to put together a testimony video about how we have found peace after losing our son the way we did. (If you’re new here, our three-year-old son, Levi, thought it would be clever to run behind Daddy’s truck just as he was pulling out to take the other three boys to school one morning.)

It occurred to me that many others might benefit from hearing this one-minute video that sums up how I found peace after this tragedy.

Video transcription:

Growing up in the church, I often heard “everything happens for a reason,” as though that was what it meant for God to be in control. But that’s not true. And it’s not even biblical. Yes, God is in control of everything, but that doesn’t mean he is to blame for everything. We live in a sinful, fallen world, and that’s why there is pain and suffering. Christians don’t get a free pass on that. No one does.

Losing my son helped me understand how much God truly loves us, how everything he does is to have a relationship with us. He will use absolutely anything to do that, even things we don’t think he should or could. God doesn’t plan for us to be hurt. But when it does, he is the Master Healer, and he can take our brokenness and make us even more beautiful than before, if we let him. It all comes down to our choice. Will we choose him, even in the pain?

God doesn’t plan for our hardship. But he doesn’t waste it. I have peace because I know that the God never walked away from me for a single moment of my pain. And he never will.

I pray that the peace of Christ will be with you during this holiday season. Much love, and God bless. I’ll see you in the new year.

Indulgent Eggnog (with or without Dairy)

‘Tis the season for eggnog.

I grew up not particularly liking eggnog—the kind you buy in the grocery store, anyway. My relative, Faye, would make a fantastic version for her annual Christmas party that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced anywhere else. I could have had that for a meal.

Fast forward to married life. My husband happens to like the eggnog from the store, but I couldn’t stomach the stuff, so I began searching for a recipe we could both be happy with.

After much experimenting, in 2009, I found a recipe on the Interwebs for “Indulgent Eggnog” that I tweaked a little and finally got the Husband Stamp of Approval. (Unfortunately, that web page is no longer available. I’m sorry, I don’t know who to give credit to for the original recipe.)

Since then, I have shared this recipe with many people, and the most common comment I get is “I don’t usually like eggnog, but this is amazing.”

One confirmed hater said it tasted like liquid ice cream. Yum!

Now that I’ve gone dairy-free, I’ve made a dairy-free version of the recipe.

And yes, we will often pair this with homemade popcorn with real butter for a very rich, snacky winter supper.

This version is actually slightly less rich than the original. To make an even more decadent version, reverse the quantities of the milk and cream.

Indulgent Eggnog, with or without dairy

Indulgent Eggnog

Makes 6 cups

6 eggs
2 cups heavy whipping cream (or coconut milk that has been blended well)
3 cups whole milk (or unsweetened almond milk)
1/2 cup maple syrup (may want to use slightly less for the dairy-free version to balance out coconut milk)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp nutmeg, ground or grated

Begin with pre-chilled ingredients for the best results.

In a large bowl, beat the eggs together with an electric mixer (or very enthusiastically with a whisk!) until they are very frothy.

Pour a thin stream of cream into the bowl while continuing to mix. Do the same for the milk.

Add the remaining ingredients. (FYI, the original recipe called for 1/2 cup each of dark rum and brandy, which you would add at this point if you are into that sort of thing. Will increase final quantity by a cup.)

Pour into a serving pitcher or bowl. Immediately before serving, whisk until frothy again. Serve with a sprinkle of nutmeg.

Serve immediately, or chill for 1-2 hours. Best used within a day.

Bottoms up!

Wonder and Gratitude

Is anyone else having trouble processing the fact that it is December already?

Just me?

*crickets chirping*

Just kidding. I know I’ve talked to several people who have said the same thing, so I’m not alone here. I’m pretty sure this symptom is the result of a life that is very full, making it hard to focus on the passing of time because each minute has so much pressed into it.

And I love it.

However, when I think back to last December, I can see how very much has happened in my life in the last year, what I’ve accomplished, and how I’ve changed. And I’m grateful.

Photo courtesy of 123rf.com.

After all, I did my first book tour (for Finding Heaven), I finished the manuscript for my third novel, I wrote my first publishable short story, I professionally edited two novels, I published three knitwear designs in the last month (about the same as the previous four years), and I’ve read more actual books in the last year than I have since I was a kid.

But those accomplishments are not why I’m grateful.

I’ve heard from dozens of people who have been blessed by my words.

I’ve helped people create projects they love and love to wear or give through my patterns.

I’ve helped my thirteen piano students develop skills and confidence in their abilities.

I’ve encouraged my kids to develop their interests and skills, and watched them begin to bloom.

I’m married to the world’s most amazing husband and have some pretty fantastic kids. Seriously. #blessed

I’ve pushed my own horizons. And I’ve helped others push theirs.

I’m closer to learning what “work-life balance” means for me, and am learning to say “no” to things that don’t support my priorities and values right now.

I finally started caring about my physical fitness. This is a huge step forward for me in my healing process.

There are some hard things too, things I’m still figuring out. There are relationships that are struggling, and I’m personally struggling to figure out what the loving thing to do in each one of them are. I’m learning to let go of the idea of what I hoped they would be, but with the letting go comes grief.

Perhaps its the perspective of having lived a few decades (or having survived so much worse), but I am learning to see those hard things as part of the process of living, not obstacles that will completely derail me.

Do I wish I had it all figured out?

Absolutely.

Am I a failure because I haven’t?

Nope.

And that realization alone is enough of a reason to be grateful.

Looking back over the last year, what are you most grateful for, friend?

For the Knitters:

Speaking of patterns, in the last couple of weeks I’ve published not only the Secret Garden Fingerless Mittens, but also finally finished a learn-to-knit pattern and tutorial combo that I’ve been working on for almost three years. The pattern is the easy, unisex Building Blocks Cowl/Hood, and it is supported by the free How to Knit Tutorial here on my website.

Secret Garden Fingerless Mittens

Take a walk through the garden.

Secret Garden Fingerless Mittens

See in Shop

Building Blocks Cowl/Hood

Learn to knit from this beginner pattern.

Building Blocks Cowl/Hood

See in Shop

Welcome Aboard

How to Knit

If you’re looking for a great new project, want to learn to knit, or need some support materials to teach a friend to knit this winter, please check them out.

Happy Hanukkah!

Dairy-Free Hot Chocolate

As I shared on Friday, I’ve been dairy-free for nearly a year. The hardest part of this transition was in weaning myself off of cream in my tea—and in perfecting a new, dairy-free hot chocolate recipe.

I’m going to be honest, it took a bit to get used to. But now that I am, I love it. When I make my husband’s hot chocolate with cream and taste-test it before handing it over, I’m immediately cured of any sentimentality for the dairied version.

I have a milk frother, which is awesome, but you could also make this stove-top in a saucepan. The important thing to remember is to pour hot water on the cocoa mixture to bring out the chocolatey flavour.

Homemade dairy-free hot chocolate recipe from talenawinters.com.

Dairy-Free Hot Chocolate

Makes: 1 x 12-oz mug.

7 oz. (3/4 c + 2 tbsp) unsweetened almond milk. Brand makes a difference. I prefer Silk.
3 rounded tsp. cocoa
3 tbsp. maple syrup
1 tsp. vanilla (P.S. I make my vanilla by steeping vanilla beans in vodka for at least a month. So much more economical than buying vanilla extract!)
4 oz./1/2 c boiling water

Frother version:

Boil water in kettle. Heat almond milk in frother without frother ring. (I find almond milk “froths” plenty without it.)

Mix cocoa, maple syrup, and vanilla in a small mixing bowl with a spiral whisk until there are no lumps. Pour boiling water over top and whisk until smooth.

Add almond milk, pour into mug, and enjoy.

Stove top version:

Boil water in kettle. In small saucepan, whisk cocoa, maple syrup, and vanilla until smooth. Pour boiling water over top and whisk.

Add almond milk. Heat over medium heat, whisking often, until steamy and frothy.

Pour into a mug and enjoy.

Ingredients for Dairy-Free Hot Chocolate. The vodka bottle is actually homemade vanilla.

Almond Milk in the frother, ready to be heated.

Cocoa, syrup, and vanilla mixture.

Voila! Dairy-Free Hot Chocolate!

If you’re not opposed to dairy, check out my healthier-than-storebought Hot Chocolate recipe made with cream.

New Leaf and Two Announcements

I recently shared that this fall, I’ve been struggling through a new wave of grief and PTSD.

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Then, several weeks ago, I was ready to be done with it already and read the Rachel Hollis book, Girl, Wash Your Face. I was looking for a gentle kick in the butt, and that’s exactly what I got.

Emotionally, I started to breathe again. I started making plans and getting back on track with my life.

But, most surprising to me, I started to care about my weight enough to think hard about how I could incorporate physical activity into my life in a sustainable way.

Key word: sustainable.

Photo courtesy of 123rf.com/massonforstock.

I have a deep aversion to exercising in a group, probably related to the fact that 90% of my life’s most awkward and embarrassing moments happened in gym class or while playing team sports. I was never a graceful child, and several horribly embarrassing events reinforced how truly hopeless I was when it came to gross motor skills.

Not only that, for psychological reasons for which I have yet to find the root, I am the least competitive person when it comes to sports, ever. I am plenty competitive in other areas of my life (with myself, not others), but sports? Meh. In fact, if something smacks of physical competition, I am more likely to actively avoid participating.

I don’t know why. But I do know that’s how I work, and I’m learning to work with it.

So for me to enjoy a form of exercise, it has to be something where I can strive to beat my own personal best, not try to beat someone else. Or even better, forget that I’m even exercising at all.

I also don’t like being cold (which rules out many outdoor winter activities) and am not a big fan of sweating in general.

Therefore, my favourite forms of exercise as an adult have been walking and bike riding. Hard to mess those up, right? If I walk with a camera in my hand, I’m actually taking photos. For biking, well… Even though I don’t mind it, I don’t do it a lot.

But that presents other problems—the biggest being that I live in a climate where it is winter for six months of the year. In addition, I have five miles of gravel road between me and the nearest asphalt biking-friendly surface (thus the reason I don’t do it much). And, ever since Jude reached the age of three and would no longer sit happily in a stroller while I pushed it along as fast as I could go (we did live on a paved road at the time), I have completely gotten out of my regular walking habit, and have struggled to develop it again.

The other thing I have a strong aversion to is making public announcements of plans and goals related to physical activity and health, probably because I have never fully committed to any program that I felt was sustainable for me.

I’ve knuckled down on my eating habits over and over, but when it comes to exercise?

Once again, meh.

Once I no longer had any little boys to keep me active by simply trying to keep up to them, coupled with throwing out my healthy eating habits while grieving the loss of my littlest boy in favour of comfort food, over and over, my body began to show the effects.

My once sky-high metabolism succumbed to a suddenly-sedentary lifestyle and sugar binges and the depleted adrenal glands that go along with grieving something like that, and in 2015, I gained thirty pounds.

The next spring, my doctor found a growth on my ovary that he was concerned might be cancerous. He sent me to a specialist who was more cautious, saying he was willing to give me six months to monitor it before putting me under the knife (which I strongly pushed for, as I knew my body didn’t need the trauma of a surgery to deal with on top of everything else.)

When I got home from that, I took the dire step of going on a 60-day juice fast. I lost almost all thirty of those pounds, so I was down to the “comfortable” +10 that had been hanging on for years. And, best of all (and the entire point of the fast), the growth was completely gone at my next appointment.

Now, there were also down sides to that fast, and I knew it was not something I could (or even wanted) to do again for anything more than a short-term (say, 2 weeks tops) cleanse to reset. But I also found that the concentrated sugars in the fruit juices fed, not retrained, my sweet tooth. So when I came off of it, old habits returned, and so did the weight, until I was then 45 pounds over my ideal weight!

On top of that, the psoriasis which had been an issue since my second pregnancy was flaring up worse than it had in years. I knew that my body was still in recovery from the trauma of grieving, and worse than that, I mostly didn’t care. I mean, I cared, but not enough to exercise, because jeepers, I was already writing full time and teaching part time and designing patterns on the side and trying to be a good mom and wife and housekeeper and who has time for exercise on top of all that?

[image error]

So, last fall, I went to my fallback health plan of adjusting my diet. I read The Plant Paradox by Dr. Steven Gundry, MD, and went on the most extreme elimination diet I had ever tried, trying to nail down the root of my constant health issues.

Well…

I did learn some things about my body.

For instance, I am dairy intolerant. I fought that for a while, but when something repeatedly causes you to feel horrible and disgusting, you become emotionally unattached to it. I’ve embraced that one now, though I am still struggling to find new recipes that are as fast and easy as what I used to use and that my family loves. It’s coming, but it takes time.

I am still struggling to find out which other foods are a no-no for me. And sometime this spring, I went back on practically everything (except dairy) in moderation, just because it had become so much work to eat.

My biggest struggle was tea. My favourite way in the world to drink tea is orange pekoe, steeped long, with honey and cream.

Except now I couldn’t have cream. That was my biggest struggle with going dairy-free. But eventually, I retrained my palate to accept just black tea and honey. Lots of honey to compensate for the loss of the bitter-tannin-tempering cream. Like, a tablespoon per 12 oz., for about three cups a day.

Yikes.

So, here I am, back to 40 pounds overweight. And Rachel kicked me in the butt about that, too.

Here’s what I can tell you truthfully about diet and exercise and weight and what it means in my life.

Who you are today is incredible. You have so many wonderful qualities to offer the world, and they are uniquely yours. I believe your Creator delights in the intricacies of you, and he is filled with joy when you live out your potential.

I also believe that humans were not made to be out of shape and severely overweight. I think we function better mentally, emotionally, and physically when we take care of our bodies with nourishment, water, and exercise. The lie I used to believe was that my weight would define me, that it would speak volumes about who I was as a person. Today I believe it’s not your weight that defines you, but the care and consideration you put into your body absolutely does.

…trauma is not a life sentence. Extreme emotional pain doesn’t guarantee emotional pain for the rest of your life.

You can choose whether or not to stay there. You can choose to continue to abuse your body because it’s all you know. You can choose to live in that place because it’s the path of least resistance. You can choose to settle for a half-lived life because you don’t even know there’s another way, or perhaps you have no idea how to pull yourself out of it. But please, please stop making excuses for the whys. Please stop telling yourself that you deserve this life. Please stop justifying a continued crappy existence simply because that’s the way it’s always been. Just as you’ve chosen to stay in this place for so long, you can also choose to get yourself out of it.

You need to be healthy.

Hollis, Rachel. Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are so You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be (p. 182). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

You guys. I could not get that out of my head.

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Earlier this year, I read The Freelancer’s Survival Guide by Kristine Kathryn Rusch, and in there, she talked about how important it is to find a form of exercise (especially for us sedentary writers) that we enjoy enough that it is something we want to do. Like me, she struggled to do this for many years. She eventually settled on running—not because she enjoyed running itself (at least, not when she started out), but because for the 30 minutes a day that she runs, she gets to listen to music she enjoys on her iPod. She found a way to make it enjoyable for her, which made it sustainable.

So, with the motivation Rachel provided and the wisdom Kristine provided, I have been thinking hard about how I can get more physical activity into my life in a sustainable, I-actually-want-to-do-this sort of way.

And I think I’ve finally done it.

For three days this week (since Monday), I have managed to move for between 45 minutes and 2 hours, just around my house. Two days, I broke a sweat. One day, I hit 10,000 steps.

I discovered that I could knit and listen to music or research by listening to interviews on YouTube while walking. Around my house. Where it’s warm, and I don’t have to put on layers of winter gear to do it.

Now, I happen to be on a short break from writing at the moment, and I’ve been focusing on getting some knitting patterns finished and published (more on that at the end), so this week, that has worked for me. But when I’m in the throes of writing or revising or more office-work-heavy activities, two hours of walking around my house, while enjoyable because I get to knit, is NOT sustainable.

But I think twenty to forty minutes might be.

And to supplement the rest of it? I have ordered an under-desk mini-elliptical. It will be here next week, and I can hardly wait.

So now, in addition to a concentrated walking/knitting time (regular progress on my knitwear design business, yay!), I can exercise while I’m sitting. For hours and hours every day, since I typically spend 10 hours a day at my desk.

In addition to this, I have also set myself goals to reduce my sugar intake. I am limiting myself to one sweet drink per day, which I save for after supper (when I typically have a hot chocolate or Golden Turmeric Milk), and one sweet snack, including fruit, and a limit to the amount of wheat and rice in my day. I have substituted my morning caffeine boost for butter coffee, which I can enjoy without honey and which gives me better energy throughout the day without a crash.

So this is me doing what I loathe doing—making a public declaration that I am beginning a health program. My own, one that I believe I can maintain long-term. I started Monday, and only had one day where I feel like I didn’t meet my goals, the day I published my new pattern.

I am 5’10” and, last Monday, I was 194 lbs. My goal? I want to get down to what I consider a “healthy” weight for me, which is approximately 155 lbs. I want to get back into clothes I haven’t worn for a decade. I’m tired of feeling like a fat slob.

And I’m so excited that I think I’ve finally found that sustainable form of exercise that I have been looking for for so long. I’m hoping that, as I see results, it will affect my psychology to begin exploring other ways to get fit, too—maybe even push myself outside my envelope into areas I previously avoided, like winter sports or group classes.

You never know. Things could get crazy.

In addition to my new-found enthusiasm for exercise, this week has had two other exciting developments:

Just Plain Gloves Pattern Release

I’ve been working on this pattern for less time than some others in development, but (thanks to the perennial need for new gloves in this climate), I got it finished in record time. For the knitters among you, check it out in my Design Gallery.

Just Plain Gloves

Gloves for everybody!

Just Plain Gloves

See in Shop

“Up In Smoke” Short Story Deal

In September, the editor I hired to work on The Undine’s Tear approached me about a new project she was launching, a speculative fiction e-Zine with a Canadian focus. The Constellate Publishing eZine is taking submissions on invitation only at the moment, and she invited me to submit based on the strength of my sample chapter that I’d sent her to edit for Undine’s Tear.

I took a week to think about it, because when it comes to short fiction, I suck. I’m terribly long-winded (as this post proves), and every short story I’ve tried to write in the last several years inevitably becomes a novel. (My original word count goal for The Friday Night Date Dress was 7,000 words. It’s 27,000. Yeah, I missed by just a little.)

But after some thought, and working out a couple of ideas I thought I could keep short enough, I said yes. I wrote the story in about two weeks. (Only overshooting the word count limit by 3,000 words, something my editor assures me she can help with). And this week, my editor accepted it, to be published in the new year.

The eZine is subscription-based, and what I’ll earn is based on the number of subscribers, so I confess to total bias when I urge you to go sign up. Not only will you get to read my story when it comes out, you’ll get to discover some other great Canadian talent. All for as little as $3 USD (so, like, $5 CAD) per month. Check it out here. The first story was published this month.

Learn more

Stay tuned for updates on my journey to better health…

Happy Friday, friend! Enjoy your weekend!

Embrace It

My firstborn turns sixteen tomorrow.

Jude with a rare caught-on-camera smile on the first day of school.

I remember my sixteenth birthday clearly. My parents had split the year before but were still in the middle of a protracted divorce. I’d had a good year socially, finally coming out of my shell and into a leadership role, thanks to a great group of friends at youth group and the insight of my youth pastor. I had several good friends (who remain friends to this day), who threw me a birthday party for “Sweet Sixteen”.

However, internally, I was a mess. It had been a year since I’d asked Jesus to be my Lord and Saviour, and while I was grateful for the work he was already doing in me, at the same time, I was grieving the family ideal I would never have (and didn’t realize I was). Add normal teenage hormonal flux to the mix, and my emotions were in a constant state of turmoil.

I hoped that “Sweet Sixteen,” the romanticized ideal, would be the harbinger of the beginning of the way I always hoped my life would go.

Looking back, it was one of my worst years as far as “stuff that happened.” Thank goodness I didn’t know that going in.

On the other hand, I grew as a person more that year than any year before that. It was the year when I first felt called to go into missions and began looking for programs to participate in—a yearning that would eventually lead me to go to India, get to know my future husband, and forever change the way I viewed the world.

It was the year I grew up … the first time. (I still feel like I’m “growing up” sometimes, don’t you?)

“The great thing about sixteen is that you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and you can literally do whatever you want with it. You could go any direction, choose any destiny.

That’s also the terrifying thing.”

It is with these thoughts in mind that I have been looking forward to my son’s sixteenth birthday. He is no longer a boy. He is most definitely a young man, and while we are by no means kicking him out of the nest, I know that from here on out, he will be forging his own path. Which is how it should be.

We’ve raised him to think, and to take initiative, and to take responsibility. We’ve always been his biggest cheerleaders, and lately, we’ve been seeing that bear fruit as he has explored different interests and passions without waiting for permission (or financial support, thanks to his job) from us.

To say I’m proud of the young man he has become would be an understatement. I’m in awe.

No, he’s not perfect, but who is? Perfect is boring, anyway.

The great thing about sixteen is that you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and you can literally do whatever you want with it. You could go any direction, choose any destiny.

That’s also the terrifying thing, ‘mIright?

I think the hard, scary thing about all those options is the pressure—if I go this way, what would have happened if I’d chosen that one? Will I miss out on something great because I chose this now?

Now, at forty-*cough* years old, I can’t go back to my own sixteen-year-old self and say, “Relax, it will be okay. You don’t have to have everything figured out yet. There are very few mistakes that can’t be fixed, and there are few roads from which you can’t change direction. But you can make any choice great.”

But I can say it to Jude. And I can say it to you.

Photo courtesy of 123rf.com, yarruta

No matter your age, it’s not too late to chase your dream. Maybe you’re already doing it, which is awesome. Or maybe we are closing out another year where you have still been making excuses about why you didn’t go for the longing of your heart.

Life is long, but it’s also short. Do you really want to spend a minute of it not living up to your potential? Do you want to look back and say, “I intentionally settled in this area?”

I don’t. I hope that in my words and example both, I am showing my children that chasing dreams may be scary, but it’s also worth it.

So to Jude, and to you, and to me, I say that today is the day to go for it. Today is your chance to change your life.

Your future is waiting. Embrace it.

I have been a Josh Groban fan since he released his very first album. This morning, I began listening to his latest album, Bridges, for the very first time—but still haven’t gotten past the first song. This song, "Granted”, has literally wrecked me all five times I’ve listened to it.

I know it’s November, and in northern Alberta, at least, winter has arrived. But I hope this song inspires you to make a resolution to go for it, do better, be better today. You don’t need to wait for January 1, “someday,” or “tomorrow.” God put you here to shine, and he has so much in store for you. Don’t take a single breath for granted.

Granted

Josh Groban

Have you ever felt it could all go away
If you blink
If you never stop running you won't fall behind
So you think
And you wonder in your heart
If you're still not who you are
Who are you?
Nothing's as it seems till it all falls apart

If you have a dream, go chase it
If you feel hope, don't waste it
If you find love, embrace it
And never take a single breath for granted
The story's yours, go write it
Tomorrow's undecided
Our days are counted on this planet
Never take a single breath
Take a single breath for granted

Maybe it's time you bet on yourself
Listen to your heart
Just listen to your heart and nobody else
So go find out who you are
Only you know who you are
Who are you?
'Cause all you have to lose
Is your best life yet
So go ahead

If you have a dream, go chase it
If you feel hope, don't waste it
If you find love, embrace it
And never take a single breath for granted
The story's yours, go write it
Tomorrow's undecided
Our days are counted on this planet
Never take a single breath
Take a single breath for granted

Sometimes the greatest moment we'll ever know
Are when we're letting go, so let go
And maybe our brightest days still wait for us
In the unknown

If you have a dream, go chase it
If you feel hope, don't waste it
If you find love, embrace it
And never take a single breath for granted
If you have a light, go find it
The story's yours, go write it
Our days are counted on this planet
So never take a single breath
Take a single breath for granted

Songwriters: Josh Groban / Bernie Herms / Toby Gab

Granted lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

7 Favourite Fall Things

It’s been a while since I did a “7 Things” post, so it seemed like I was due. This week, I’ve been ogling sweaters on Pinterest and the my new Netflix discovery, Sisters. (The main character is a hot mess but she wears the cutest, most colourful sweaters— not my style, persay, but I love them. Some of the other characters sport some great knits, too.)

Ahem. Besides knitting geekery, I’ve also been reading, and writing, and playing in an orchestra. Okay, a small one. As a volunteer. For the local kids’ play. But it counts, right?

Here’s what’s been inspiring me:

Great Men’s Sweaters

Some of my recent inspiring Pinterest finds. I’ve been working on a couple of ideas for men’s sweaters, and just love the sculpted, architectural look of these designs (mostly by Leif Nelson), plus the amazing texture. Not sure if my menfolk love it as much as I do, but maybe someday I’ll design something because it’s exactly what I’d love to see them wear, whether they ever do or not. ;-)

Great Knitting

Okay, this isn’t exactly the same as the Men’s Sweaters, because it includes so much more! Here are some lovely designs that have been inspiring me lately. I’m getting the impression it’s time to challenge myself a bit.

Great Books

Of course, I’ve always got a few books to talk about, but I’m only going to mention two at the moment. Actually, I already mentioned the first one on Instagram last week. Here’s what I had to say about it:

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While doing book signings this spring, I kept seeing this book on store shelves. Then a little while back, I downloaded a sample on impulse, because I thought a kick in the pants might do me good and could tell from the blurb that the author was in a similar line of work as me. And then, also on impulse, I began reading it on Friday. Then bought the book on Kindle and finished reading it on Sunday night. . You guys. This book is so. good. I identify with Ms. Hollis on so many levels—our personal bundles of issues and life choices and callings lined up in several places, which is how I know that the "impulse" and timing of me reading this was actually a divine one. @msrachelhollis, thank you for writing out words that I mostly knew, but desperately needed to be reminded of this past weekend. I haven't highlighted a book that much in a while, and I have a feeling I'll reread this whenever I need that kick in the pants once more. . Highly recommended! . #bookreview #girlwashyourface #rachelhollis #motivational #inspirational #inspiration #motivation #seekbeauty #spreadsunshine #seizetheday #liveinthemoment #itsthelittlethings #divineappointment

A post shared by Talena Winters (@talenawinters) on Oct 23, 2018 at 1:34pm PDT

The second book is actually the first book I edited, which will be releasing tomorrow. The Book of Chaos is a wonderful middle grade fantasy novel about a special girl who finds an unusual book that takes her on an adventure to find her cousin. Along the way, she makes great friends and learns a thing or two about her family, and herself.

It’s a wonderful read, and I highly recommend you go pick up a copy for the special young person in your life—or yourself, if you’re a fantasy lover. :-) (You can learn more about the book and find purchase links on Jessica Renwick’s website. Locals—Jessica is an Alberta author. Even more reason to support her!)

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Only 1 week until The Book of Chaos is live on Amazon! To celebrate, I thought I would do a ✨✨GIVE-AWAY✨✨ of TWO signed paperback copies! . To enter: Follow me here & leave a comment with your favourite Halloween-themed book or movie. For an extra entry, tag a friend who you think would be interested in a middle-grade fantasy novel full of spooky adventure and true friendships

Resting

“I’ve come this far, by the grace of God, and it’s because of his grace that I know he’s not going to leave me here. He loves me too much.”

Photo courtesy of Lightstock.com.

One of my friends recently asked me why she wasn’t getting my blog posts in her inbox anymore, and I sheepishly had to admit that it was probably because I hadn’t blogged in over a month. That was a couple weeks ago, and it has now been a month and a half. And there are many reasons, both happy and hard ones, but the point is, here I am. I’m in my chair, I’m writing a blog.

…And since that first paragraph, another four days have passed.

That’s the way my life has been lately. Going into September, I was already stretched to my limit, time-wise, and then a couple of things happened at once to derail me, both my confidence and my schedule. Since then, we’ve been caught in the whirlwind that is the back-to-school, kids-in-the-play, back-to-teaching, impending-deadlines, always-on-the-go rush.

And grief has wrecked me like a tsunami crashing over all of it. Grieving relationships that have changed, and I don’t know if they will ever be whole again. Grieving my son. Grieving for the children who lost a brother. Grieving for things I’ve had to let go of. Grieving for others who are going through hard times.

This fall, Levi would have been in grade 1. Yeah, that had something to do with my silence.

It’s been a period of craziness. But in some ways, (like blogging, for instance), it’s been a period of much-needed rest.

You know, I love my job. My jobs. All of them. Mom, teacher, writer, knitwear designer—I can hardly believe that I get to do all of my dream jobs, that I get to be my own boss. But for the last six weeks, I’ve had a lot of days where it just felt like a slog. It felt like I had regressed in how I’m handling my grief.

Last week, I actually caught myself trying to remember a period of my life where I had just felt … happy. Have you ever done this? Some period when I was not stressed out about the change that just happened, not discontent with where I was, not striving for the next stage. That day, believe it or not, I did come up with a brief time period that happened several years ago—not just shiny in the light of nostalgia, either. I remembered how, at the time, I’d feared the change that would inevitably come, as I knew about life’s changeable nature, and that nothing is permanent—not even bliss.

As I lay in bed, thinking these morose thoughts as I tried to stop crying so I could go to sleep, it had been a bad day. A cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat sort of day. An I-can’t-believe-I’m-still-doing-this-after-three-years kind of day.

Today was better. And from the perspective of today, I know that last week, I was wrong.

There will always be things that I’m dealing with. There will always be that sense of ebb and flow through seasons, times where my life seems more peaceful than others. But my happiness doesn’t depend on those circumstances.

“There will always be things that I’m dealing with. There will always be that sense of ebb and flow through seasons, times where my life seems more peaceful than others. But my happiness doesn’t depend on those circumstances.”

I’m still dealing with PTSD. And I suspect this fresh wave of grief has to do with the developmental phase that Levi would have reached as well as the shifting phases of my other three children. Plus, whether the grief triggered my insecurities or my insecurities triggered the grief, they both seem to have been escalating lately. But that doesn’t mean my life is bad. Far from it. Because through all of that, I’m happy now.

In the middle of the hard, I still have joy.

The real take-away for me is to remember that feelings are temporary. Sure, I’m going through a trough right now, but a trough means a swell is on the way. Feelings change. Life changes. Pain heals. Strength is gained.

I’ve come this far, by the grace of God, and it’s because of his grace that I know he’s not going to leave me here. He loves me too much. So I’m going to keep moving forward, toward the goal and the prize he has set before me.

Because with everything that changes in this life, he is the constant.

And for that, I am grateful.

Be Still My Soul (In You I Rest)

Jane Laurie Borthwick, Jason Ingram, Jean Sibelius, Kari Jobe, Kathrina Amalia von Schlegel

Verse 1

Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain
Be still my soul thy best thy heav'nly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Verse 2

Be still my soul thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still my soul the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

Chorus

In You I rest in You I found my hope
In You I trust
You never let me go
I place my life within Your hands alone
Be still my soul
(Be still my soul be still my soul)

Verse 3

Be still my soul the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappointment grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot Love's purest joys restored
Be still my soul when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last

New Title & Cover Reveal for my WIP!

Last week was a busy one for my current book, which, up until now, I've been calling The Mermaid's Tear.

I've been working with my [longsuffering] graphic designer, Fiona Jayde, for about a month to create the cover for the new book. I quickly realized that the artwork I'd kinda had in mind for basically the last eight years did not really suit either my target audience or the flavour of the book.

So, after a whole lot of market research, we took the cover in a new direction. And when Fiona sent me the draft, I LOVED it…

And my boys said that the artwork was okay, but they would never pick up a book that had the word "Mermaid" in the title.

This is a problem, since teen boys are half the demographic I am shooting for with this one.

So, with my family, we came up with the alternative title of The Undine's Jewel, and then I did a Facebook poll.

From the results of that and some more market research, I did one more, and the title was officially changed to The Undine's Tear.

Now I have a title that I love and doesn't turn off half my market. And, when I got the final proof for the cover, my boys all said, "I like it!".

And I am so excited, because I LOVE IT, TOO!

She was raised to save her people—as long as she doesn't go mad and kill them all first.

What do you think?

Blurb:

For as long as Calandra can remember, she has been running from the Madness…

Calandra is the most powerful undine Healer to be born on Sirenia for three millennia. She has been raised to be the saviour of her people, the only one with a hope of healing the Heartstone that hides their civilization. However, she has questions. Why must her kind capture human males to survive? Why do all the powerful Healers go mad? And why does her aunt, Queen Adonia, seem determined to hide the truth about her people's history?

Across the sea in England, Zale is unaware of his merman identity until a series of accidents leaves his father dead and his friend blinded. Fearing his own elemental powers, he flees from his home and becomes a spectacle on display for money. When the beautiful and mysterious Abela frees him and tells him that he is the last male of his kind, he finds himself on a quest to save his mother and the sister he's never met from the same dark forces that pursue him. But if he can't control his powers, he may destroy everything he's trying to save.

Meanwhile, the Heartstone is failing, and along with it, the protective barrier it powers. To save the stone and her people, Calandra must choose between enslaving the man she loves, or trusting a cryptic message left behind by the mother who abandoned her as a baby that could change everything. And the Madness is calling…

In this young adult historical fantasy, join merfolk, sphinxes, dragons, and humans as their lives become entwined on the search for the true meaning of redemption. But when they find it, will it be all that they had hoped for?

Would you like to get updates on this book and when it is released? Sign up for my monthly newsletter and we'll keep in touch. :-)

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Happy Monday! What's new with you?