Talena Winters's Blog, page 4

How to Make Difficult Decisions

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.”

— Theodore Roosevelt

Image courtesy of Lighstock.com.

When I was younger, making decisions was very easy for me. I would go into a restaurant and pick the first thing that appealed to me on the menu, then close it before I got distracted by something else. I would choose the first thing in my closet that felt right (made easier by curating a wardrobe that was generally made of interchangeable pieces). Or I would change the entire course of my life on a decision made in a moment.

Buying a car, for instance. Or whether to go to college, and for what. Becoming friends with someone. My husband and I even adopted our youngest son with less than a week’s pondering (though, to be fair, we’d had adoption on the table generally for many years).

This isn’t to say that I was fickle. Once a decision had been made, I would stay the course. I was all in, sometimes for far too long and to my own detriment. I had lessons to learn about the difference between giving up and choosing a better path.

Perhaps that’s why, as I’ve aged, I’ve become much more cautious in how I approach the decision-making process, especially for those bigger life-altering moments—and sometimes even for smaller ones. But definitely when it comes to my career.

Some of this is because I’ve gained wisdom from my past mistakes. Some of it is because of the greater prevalence of the ADHD symptoms I’ve been experiencing during perimenopause that make it difficult to prioritize. But, to be honest, some of it is fear—a fear I used to ignore. Fear that I’ll make the wrong decision and that I won’t have the resources to survive it or recover from it.

And decisions have become especially difficult when there is no clear winner—when there are good reasons in both the pros and cons columns, usually addressing completely different aspects of the issue at hand. Like the potentially career-altering decision I’m facing right now.

Decision Frameworks are a Thing

I recently edited a book for a client that presents an original decision-making framework. As part of the thesis, the author also discussed many other existing frameworks, most of which are used in corporate or organizational contexts.

Having never gone to school for business analysis or been in a decision-making role on a large team, the idea that there might be any decision-making frameworks available was new to me. But then I realized I’d actually heard of a few already, such as the four-quadrant Eisenhower method for prioritizing the most urgent and necessary tasks to be accomplished.

I’ve heard some leaders in the author space (Bryan Cohen is one that comes to mind) discuss a modified method of this framework for indie authors. Instead of measuring how urgent and necessary something is, they rename the quadrants to how enjoyable and important it is as a framework for deciding which tasks one should keep doing themselves, and which to hand off to hired help. (I think this assumes you’ve already done the traditional method and decided these tasks are all necessary for some reason or other.)

Even the old standby of a Pros and Cons list is a decision-making framework (which I just learned was invented by Benjamin Franklin). It just doesn’t always shed as much light on the subject as we need.

There are plenty of other decision-making frameworks available to use. And the hardest decision can be deciding which one to use! (Kidding! Kind of.)

What Else Can We Use?

As it so happens, the decision I’m wrestling with right now is a decision of conflicting priorities, and the struggle is in figuring out which factors hold the most weight.

Rather than trying to decide which task or project would make me the most productive (as would be measured by the Eisenhower matrix), I’m trying to decide on which option aligns most closely with my values and would lead to the most personal satisfaction and long-term financial stability. So I wondered: are there any decision frameworks that could help me in making this decision?

As it turns out, there are! Here are a few I came across.

Weighted Decision Matrix (Pugh method)

This can be used when the factors that influence your decision are tied to different priorities. (Here’s a Wikipedia article about the Decision Matrix.)

How to use it:

List all the key factors or criteria influencing your decision along one axis. These are the values and priorities guiding your choice. Assign a weight (importance level) to each factor (e.g., 1 to 10). (Higher numbers indicate greater importance.)

List the options you’re considering on the other axis. These are the specific parts of the decision that will impact those values. Rate each option on how well it meets each factor (e.g., 1 to 10).

Multiply the ratings by their weights and add up the totals. The option with the highest score may be the best choice.

Example: If you’re trying to decide whether it’s a good idea to change jobs, but the decision has competing factors (e.g., it would be a huge pay raise, but it would require you to uproot your family and move to a completely different country), you would weight the importance of factors such as financial stability, future opportunities, work-life balance, and family stability along one axis of the grid, then list the elements of your decision (salary, commute time, benefits, relocation requirements) on the other axis and rate them based on the criteria you’re evaluating. Then you would multiple the rating by the weight to get a final tally.

The Regret Test

This theory helps when you’re worried about long-term consequences by figuring out which option you would regret less.

Ask yourself:

If I do this and later regret it, what’s the likely reason?

If I don’t do this and later regret it, what’s the likely reason?

Which regret would feel worse?

In addition, in the context it is presented by “distractions expert” and tech industry consultant Nir Eyal, ask these questions to help avoid unintended consequences for your clients. (I’ve paraphrased a little here.)

If the people affected by this decision knew what I know right now about the potential impact of each choice, would they be glad I made it?

Would I regret the impact of either choice on the people I serve?

Which regret would feel worse?

I actually already use an inverted form of this test when I’m trying to decide which of my hundreds of tasks I need to prioritize as most important in the day. Instead of testing regret, though, I usually test for satisfaction.

At the beginning of the day, I write down the top three “win tasks” of the day—the things that, if that’s all I do, I’ll feel the most satisfaction having completed them.

However, if this doesn’t give me an immediate answer, I’ll then ask which task I’ll regret most not having completed at the end of the day, which usually does the trick. (Great tip for the ADHD-ers among us, by the way.)

The 10-10-10 Rule by Suzy Welch

An all-purpose guide to “snappy decision-making” created by Suzy Welch, this framework helps you step outside of short-term emotions to evaluate longer-term consequences.

Ask yourself:

How will I feel about this choice in 10 minutes?

How will I feel about it in 10 months?

How will I feel about it in 10 years?

Time to Decide

There are, as it turns out, quite a few decision-making frameworks I might employ to help in my particular use case, but I like the potential of these three. I’m going to go do some more thinking, including some “decision math.” And it’s good to know I’ve got a few more tools in my toolkit to help the next time indecision strikes.

Which decision-making methods have you found most useful when you’re brain is in a logjam? How do you break free and get moving again? Please let me know in the comments!

“Don’t let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It’s your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don’t let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others’ prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.”

— Roy T. Bennett

Like what you read? Sign up for my Books & Inspiration newsletter for more like this!

How It Started vs. How It’s Going (Blogging & Books Update)

A glimpse of my writing desk: some Canadian pride, and the relaxed mermaid I aspire to be, lol.

For the past month or so, I’ve been working on a project to properly categorize and tag all my old blog posts. This was quite involved, for various and sundry reasons.

I originally started blogging on a different platform altogether, Blogger. When I started in 2006, they didn’t have a system for adding metadata to your posts when you published. About a year later, they added that capability, but when I imported my posts to Squarespace in 2014, the systems were incompatible. That meant I was looking at eight years of posts I would have to manually retag in order for the metadata to work properly.

Needless to say, this wasn’t exactly the highest thing on my priority list. I did tackle it once in a while and made some progress, but it was only this year that I finally finished the task…

Then promptly decided I really needed a better system of categorizing than the haphazard one that had evolved over the past nineteen years. So I’m still making a concerted effort to revamp all those categories and tags to make this blog useful and easy to navigate for people who find it now—people who may be more interested in my books and writing progress than the cute things my kids said when they were little.

I am, however, making good progress. So if you want to explore some of those more useful categories and topics, please visit my blog archive page.

Speaking of writing progress…Memoir Idea

While I’ve been wandering through these annals of my history, I’ve had many events (both recorded on the blog and not) come back fresh to mind. The last nineteen years have had some amazing highs and some very deep lows. Needless to say, this blog category overhaul has been an emotional ride.

And it made me wonder if you, my dear reader, would like to see a collection of some of my most pivotal and popular posts along the way collected into a memoir-style essay collection.

The posts I wrote while processing some of those deep lows have been some of my most perennially popular. They’re the ones people would comment about with “You should write a book someday.” Many of these Processing the Dark Moments posts happened before I actually did start publishing fiction books, and it never occurred to me that the commenters may have been referring to a memoir until I started reviewing said posts.

Now, I’ve been pondering the idea for the last month or so. (I even made a cover already as part of the thinking process, and it’s so gorgeous, it almost decided me on its own.)

But would you want to read it?

That’s the real question. Please let me know in the comments.

Current Projects

It’s coming… Rise of the Grigori Book 3.

At the beginning of this year, I declared my intention to try something ambitious (for me): developing and writing two projects at once.

The two projects in question are the third books in each of the Rise of the Grigori series and the Peace Country Romance series.

Some progress has been made on both, but not nearly as much as I thought I’d have made by now. I’ve been devoting a fair amount of my creative time to finishing and publishing some knitting patterns that have been languishing for years, and, as with other humans, I only have so much time to go around. (And, as a middle-aged human, I have a lot fewer creative hours available to me than I used to.)

Also, I’m having to (re)admit to myself that, despite how much I may want to rewrite my brain to work differently, I work best focusing on one creative project at a time.

Ugh. I hate having limitations, but such is life.

At any rate, I intend to spend some time in the next week or two to really sit down with these projects and decide on my priorities, and then go back to my old, much-more-productive way of focusing on a single project until it’s finished. Because what I’m doing now? It’s only resulting in decision paralysis, which means I’m not making progress on anything.

However, after a quick review of my stated intentions in January, I’m actually still on track. So maybe I should just stop being so hard on myself!

How are you doing so far on your goals for the year? Is it time to readjust the plan, or are you on track (or ahead)? I’d love to hear about it. Let me know in the comments! (And remember to weigh in on the memoir idea, please.)

How It Started vs. How It’s Going

A glimpse of my writing desk: some Canadian pride, and the relaxed mermaid I aspire to be, lol.

For the past month or so, I’ve been working on a project to properly categorize and tag all my old blog posts. This was quite involved, for various and sundry reasons.

I originally started blogging on a different platform altogether, Blogger. When I started in 2006, they didn’t have a system for adding metadata to your posts when you published. About a year later, they added that capability, but when I imported my posts to Squarespace in 2014, the systems were incompatible. That meant I was looking at eight years of posts I would have to manually retag in order for the metadata to work properly.

Needless to say, this wasn’t exactly the highest thing on my priority list. I did tackle it once in a while and made some progress, but it was only this year that I finally finished the task…

Then promptly decided I really needed a better system of categorizing than the haphazard one that had evolved over the past nineteen years. So I’m still making a concerted effort to revamp all those categories and tags to make this blog useful and easy to navigate for people who find it now—people who may be more interested in my books and writing progress than the cute things my kids said when they were little.

I am, however, making good progress. So if you want to explore some of those more useful categories and topics, please visit my blog archive page.

Speaking of writing progress…Memoir Idea

While I’ve been wandering through these annals of my history, I’ve had many events (both recorded on the blog and not) come back fresh to mind. The last nineteen years have had some amazing highs and some very deep lows. Needless to say, this blog category overhaul has been an emotional ride.

And it made me wonder if you, my dear reader, would like to see a collection of some of my most pivotal and popular posts along the way collected into a memoir-style essay collection.

The posts I wrote while processing some of those deep lows have been some of my most perennially popular. They’re the ones people would comment about with “You should write a book someday.” Many of these Processing the Dark Moments posts happened before I actually did start publishing fiction books, and it never occurred to me that the commenters may have been referring to a memoir until I started reviewing said posts.

Now, I’ve been pondering the idea for the last month or so. (I even made a cover already as part of the thinking process, and it’s so gorgeous, it almost decided me on its own.)

But would you want to read it?

That’s the real question. Please let me know in the comments.

Current Projects

It’s coming… Rise of the Grigori Book 3.

At the beginning of this year, I declared my intention to try something ambitious (for me): developing and writing two projects at once.

The two projects in question are the third books in each of the Rise of the Grigori series and the Peace Country Romance series.

Some progress has been made on both, but not nearly as much as I thought I’d have made by now. I’ve been devoting a fair amount of my creative time to finishing and publishing some knitting patterns that have been languishing for years, and, as with other humans, I only have so much time to go around. (And, as a middle-aged human, I have a lot fewer creative hours available to me than I used to.)

Also, I’m having to (re)admit to myself that, despite how much I may want to rewrite my brain to work differently, I work best focusing on one creative project at a time.

Ugh. I hate having limitations, but such is life.

At any rate, I intend to spend some time in the next week or two to really sit down with these projects and decide on my priorities, and then go back to my old, much-more-productive way of focusing on a single project until it’s finished. Because what I’m doing now? It’s only resulting in decision paralysis, which means I’m not making progress on anything.

However, after a quick review of my stated intentions in January, I’m actually still on track. So maybe I should just stop being so hard on myself!

How are you doing so far on your goals for the year? Is it time to readjust the plan, or are you on track (or ahead)? I’d love to hear about it. Let me know in the comments! (And remember to weigh in on the memoir idea, please.)

The Secret to Being More Human

Why Reading in Multiple Genres Could Save Humanity

“You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.”

— John Steinbeck

In every group of people who like things, there is almost always a group that tends to become exclusivists. They read only this kind of book, listen only to that kind of music, watch only this kind of T.V. show. They might even be loyal to only a few creators or subgenres within a given artform.

Now, the reasons for such exclusivity may vary. Frankly, the more things we’ve tried, the more right we have to decide that we will limit what we devote our time and money to. And creators cannot continue making art without superfans devoted to their work, so by all means, support those artists!

But there is a dark side to exclusivity, too. Always surrounding yourself with too much of the same thing can result in becoming narrow-minded, even if that “thing” celebrates diversity within itself. (Every art form has its limitations.) It’s the proverbial echo chamber that social media algorithms can produce, multiplied by everything our minds consume.

How do we counter this?

The key, in my opinion, is to engage with people different than yourself. One way to do that is to regularly and deliberately consume art that is outside our comfort zone, and the people who love that art. Why?

Consuming a wide variety of art and getting to know the people who relate to it is one of the easiest ways to increase our empathy. And with more empathy, we become better able to love and get along with our fellow human beings.

Art is, by its very nature, an invitation to empathy. Most creators infuse their art with pieces of themselves or pieces of others that they identify with by using their own empathy.

The cycle of empathy continues when the consumer of the art also opens themselves up to experiencing what the art is about—whether it be a singer's heartbreak, a painter's angst or tranquility, or the problems of characters in a work of fiction.

When we can understand something from someone else’s point of view, we may not agree with it, but at least we’ll tend to look at what we have in common with that person instead of what divides us.

For a personal example, I am not a fan of heavy metal music. But I have friends who are, and who will wax on about the practice and devotion to their craft that a talented musician in that genre must have to be any good.

I am still not a fan of heavy metal music, but I can now appreciate what is required to create it. On occasion, I’ll even listen to some to see if I can hear what my friends are on about. And surprisingly (or maybe not!), I’ve found a few songs I enjoy and that are now on my play list.

Art is, by its very nature, an invitation to empathy.

For a more bookish example, the main character of Finding Heaven is an erotica writer who hates her job. When I started writing that book, not only had I not read any erotica, I confess to having similar judgmental attitudes about it as Sarah does at the beginning of the book.

In Sarah’s case, her attitudes sprang from the wounds of her past—and, as I worked through those with her (empathy!), I also had to address some wounds in my own past that contributed, in part, to my attitude about that genre. We both made peace by the end of the book.

Have I read erotica now? Not exactly. As research for writing that book, I did read the detailed synopses of a couple of popular erotica books to try to understand what it is that appeals to readers and writers of it. I also now know some erotica writers, and they are wonderful people with whom I have more in common than not, and who patiently put up with my questions.

As I learned more and used my empathy, I came to understand that Sarah’s wounds, and mine, do not apply to everyone, and people can like a thing for reasons I can understand, even if I don’t grow to like that thing.

And therein is the root of empathy, and why both creating art and consuming a wide variety of art is such a powerful tool to expand your powers.

Empathy helps us to resolve conflicts, develop better policies and initiatives, be better leaders, be better lovers, parents, friends, and neighbours, and create better art.

Empathy is the result of love, and it also feeds love in a beautiful, self-perpetuating cycle.

Without it, we devolve into selfishness and tyranny. With it, we can be emissaries of love and peace in a dark, selfish world.

This is why we need to consume art that features a wide variety of perspectives, made by a wide variety of creators. Seeing the world from someone else’s perspective helps us to become mature.

Welcome to humanity.

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eye for an instant?”

— Henry David Thoreau

This post was originally published in the Books & Inspiration newsletter on 2022-04-19.

Guess what? Every single one of my books explores characters both like and unlike me, and I write, as well as read, in multiple genres. If you’re looking for some low-sensuality books in contemporary romance, epic fantasy, women’s fiction, and more, please check out my Books page . Thanks for reading!

  New Short Story

This week, I also posted a new short story in the Books & Tea League Story Bites section (for all premium members). Check it out. (Requires a Loyalist or higher membership level to access.)

Love Notes: A Short Story

When an empty nest threatens to unravel her marriage, a wife discovers her husband’s trail of love notes that remind her their story is far from over. A romantic women’s fiction short story.

Read the story

Great Sources for Clean Romance and Fantasy Fiction

For readers of clean fiction, finding new material you feel safe letting your kids read (or that you would enjoy yourself) can be frustrating and time-consuming. While a certain amount of information can be gleaned from book descriptions, genres, or reviews, nearly every reader who prefers clean fiction has had the unpleasant surprise of a bit more steam inside the pages than they were expecting.

I’ve been there, my friend. So today, I’m rounding up a list of resources to help you (and me!) find more clean, no-spice romance and fantasy reads for your TBR list.

(While some of the resources below may address books for kids, this list is focusing on resources to help you find clean books for teens and adults.)

Onward!

Book Review Sites & Book Bloggers

There are plenty of sites dedicated to promoting clean fiction, whether they call themselves book bloggers, book reviewers, or book magazines. They often work for free, get commissions from people using their affiliate links to go to the book purchase page on a website like Amazon, or, sometimes, they are paid to write reviews by the authors. Here are a few you might find useful.

(Many of these also have active social media presences, if you prefer those platforms. Find their links on their sites.)

Lorehaven Library

Lorehaven is a Christian speculative fiction review site dedicated to promoting “fantastical stories for God’s glory.” Besides the free reviews they write, they have a website, newsletter, blog, and podcast (Fantastical Truth). Recently, they relaunched the Lorehaven Library, an ever-growing compendium of speculative fiction titles written by Christian authors. The titles may not be overtly Christian in content, but they are clean and adhere to a Christian worldview.

Readers can leave reviews for books as comments (though, since this is a newer resource, there aren’t many of those yet). But since Lorehaven also regularly reviews books, you can sometimes find quite in-depth reviews for titles there (like the one they wrote for my book, The Undine’s Tear).

Note: They are currently looking for reviewers. If this kind of thing interests you, contact them through their website.

Explore the Lorehaven Library.

Clean Fiction Magazine

Operated by Amy Lynn McConahy, this comprehensive site features a range of genres and has a lot going on. Definitely worth checking out!

Explore the Clean Fiction Magazine site.

Rated Reads

This site covers a wide variety of clean, wholesome, family-friendly books. If you’re looking for clean but not necessarily Christian reads, this would be a great resource.

Explore the Rated Reads site.

Book Bloggers

There are hundreds (or thousands?) of people reading and reviewing books online… and some of them are even doing it for a living. (Who knew that “book blogger” would become a career?) Building from a passion for books and reading, many book bloggers have created extensive resources and reviews about books they have personally read.

Using your favourite search engine is a great way to find these folks. Here are a few sites dedicated to reviewing clean fiction to get you started. (You can often find these same people on Instagram. I’ll talk more about the Bookstagram community below.)

Library of Clean Reads - Run by author, reviewer, and blogger Laura Fabiani. Has an extensive catalogue.

Books for Christian Girls - Run by Lindsey, who started the blog (and her BookTube channel) as a teen, and has kept it up.

More Than a Review - Run by Donna, this site has a fantastic search engine to find reviews of books that flag content clean fiction readers may want to know about.

Compass Book Ratings - An extensive site reviewing clean fiction in a wide variety of genres, with ratings to allow you to make your own content choices, run by Cindy M.

Good Clean Reads - Home of Kenna Rose’s book reviews.

Fruitful Reader - Kassidy Griffin reviews clean and Christian books across a wide variety of genres. (And her site is gorgeous!)

Clean Fiction Book Reviews - Run by Leigh deLozier, it includes reviews of clean fiction for middle grade, young adult, and adult readers across a wide variety of genres, including fantasy and romance.

Animata Coote - This Jamaican author also has a fantastic section of clean and Christian book reviews.

BookTubers

Readers love talking about books, and what better place to share the love than YouTube? There are a ton of BookTubers sharing great reviews on the app. Here’s a couple to get you started.

Oceana GottaReadEmAll - Romance, Christian, and Contemporary fiction reviews.

OldeAmericanSpirit - “Your clean fiction book buddy.” Clean romance, Christian fiction, classics, and middle grade book reviews and recommendations.

BookLoverAmanda - Amanda reads and reviews clean, Christian fiction and nonfiction across a wide variety of genres.

Or search clean reads to find more that are up your alley.

Reader Social Sites

Social reading sites like Goodreads, Fable, and more have ways to suss out clean books, even if that’s not all the site contains. Between genre tags, reader-made lists, book clubs, reader groups, and more, you can easily find roundups of great clean reads, as well as what other readers thought of them.

Do searches for clean romance, clean fantasy, etc. You could even do this from a search engine like Google for a more comprehensive internet-wide overview. Here are few quick links to get you started.

Goodreads

Clean Romance Books

Clean Adult Romance

Clean Fantasy Books

Christian Fantasy

Christian Fiction

Christian Romance

Clean Reads Group

Fable

I’m just learning about the Fable app, but this is a social reader app where you can find a whole lot of online book clubs. I think your best bet is to go to their “Join a Club” page and search for clean books, clean romance, or clean fantasy, and start exploring from there. There’s a lot to choose from!

Note that while their website exists, you’ll need to sign up on the app. Learn more about Fable.

Amazon Book Clubs

Amazon launched their book clubs feature several years ago. Like Fable, there is a lot to choose from for clean fiction clubs. Search for clean reads, clean fantasy, and clean romance and explore for a club that looks like a good fit, then request to join!

Learn more about Amazon Book Clubs, or start exploring Amazon Book Clubs.

Social Media

I’ve mentioned YouTube already, but other sites have thriving communities dedicated to clean and no-spice reads. Here are some ways to find them.

Instagram

The Bookstagram community is a thriving ecosystem or readers, reviewers, and authors. Search for and follow the hashtags #cleanbooks, #cleanreads, #cleanromance, and #cleanfantasy to get you started on the spice-free corner of Bookstagram.

Here are a few creators to get you started:

Tasha @the_clean_read_book_club

Jennifer Whalen @sweet.cleanreads

Angela @justwant_2read

Eileen @eileens_bookish_corner

And, of course, there are tons of authors writing clean books on the platform that regularly recommend books like theirs. That’s why those hashtags are your friends.

Facebook

Did you know hashtags work on Facebook, too? Use those same hashtags from Instagram to search the platform for content you want to see. There are also plenty of groups dedicated just to clean books. Search the Groups section for “clean reads” to start exploring!

Pinterest

Not really social media, I know. But a fantastic resource to find clean books to read.

Bookstore Categories

Clean and Wholesome fiction is growing in popularity by the day. Because of that, many book retailers have created categories dedicated to this sub-genre (usually included beneath Romance). You can start exploring through the links below.

Amazon

Amazon.ca Clean and Wholesome Bestsellers List

Amazon.com Clean and Wholesome Bestsellers List

Or just go down the genre link tree in their Books and Kindle sections to find everything in the category.

Please also check your local bookseller or favourite store for their Clean & Wholesome books category. (Support local when you can, right?)

If you’re looking for some clean romance and fantasy books to read today, please check out my clean and sweet contemporary small town Peace Country Romance series or my young adult epic historical mermaid fantasy Rise of the Grigori series. As a believer in full transparency, I've included detailed ratings for the book’s contents on all book pages.

I hope this post gave you some great ideas for new places to find books you’ll love. Were there any new-to-you creators or resources on this list that you can’t wait to check out? Let me know in the comments!

Happy reading!

Living Without Regrets: Thoughts Inspired by Blake Crouch’s Dark Matter

“No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.”

— Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

My husband and I just started a series on Apple TV called Dark Matter, a sci-fi thriller that explores the idea that you could move between the multiverses created by your own decisions and asks the question “If you could live the life you didn't choose at the expense of the version of yourself who did, would you?” (The show is based on the novel by Blake Crouch.)

We’re only three episodes in, but I’m enjoying it so far. Coincidentally, I also spent the last two days finishing up a long-overdue project to categorize and tag my old blog posts properly. (I only moved my blog to Squarespace in 2014—eleven years isn’t a long time to leave something like this unfinished, right?)

Anyway, I started blogging in February 2006—just after my third son was born—and most of my posts for the first few years were just about our lives and funny things my kids said and did.

Boy, am I glad I wrote those stories down, because I wouldn’t remember half of them now. (I captured even more in their scrapbooks, which was my creative outlet at the time.)

But after basically going on a tour of the last nineteen years of my life for the past two days, watching this show has got me thinking… if the choices we make are what makes us who we are, would I have made different ones if I could?

And, for the most part, no. Things haven't always turned out the way I hoped they would. And there are things I’m still healing from—a little every day. But I'm happy and content with my beautiful life, and so very grateful.

I hope you can say the same. But if you can’t, I want you to know—it’s never too late to start making that beautiful life you hope for. Even with all the pain and the tragedy that may be behind you, you can heal. You can grow, make better choices, and move forward. And “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal.”*

But I think you probably know that, and that’s why you’re here. Because that's the message I put in every one of my books. (One of the messages, anyway. :-D)

*From “Come as you Are” by Crowder.

Quote from my book, Finding Heaven.

Living Without Regrets

“No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.”

— Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

My husband and I just started a series on Apple TV called Dark Matter, a sci-fi thriller that explores the idea that you could move between the multiverses created by your own decisions and asks the question “If you could live the life you didn't choose at the expense of the version of yourself who did, would you?” (The show is based on the novel by Blake Crouch.)

We’re only three episodes in, but I’m enjoying it so far. Coincidentally, I also spent the last two days finishing up a long-overdue project to categorize and tag my old blog posts properly. (I only moved my blog to Squarespace in 2014—eleven years isn’t a long time to leave something like this unfinished, right?)

Anyway, I started blogging in February 2006—just after my third son was born—and most of my posts for the first few years were just about our lives and funny things my kids said and did.

Boy, am I glad I wrote those stories down, because I wouldn’t remember half of them now. (I captured even more in their scrapbooks, which was my creative outlet at the time.)

But after basically going on a tour of the last nineteen years of my life for the past two days, watching this show has got me thinking… if the choices we make are what makes us who we are, would I have made different ones if I could?

And, for the most part, no. Things haven't always turned out the way I hoped they would. And there are things I’m still healing from—a little every day. But I'm happy and content with my beautiful life, and so very grateful.

I hope you can say the same. But if you can’t, I want you to know—it’s never too late to start making that beautiful life you hope for. Even with all the pain and the tragedy that may be behind you, you can heal. You can grow, make better choices, and move forward. And “Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal.”*

But I think you probably know that, and that’s why you’re here. Because that's the message I put in every one of my books. (One of the messages, anyway. :-D)

*From “Come as you Are” by Crowder.

Quote from my book, Finding Heaven.

Of Beauties and Beasts: How Damaged Heroes Point to Redemptive Love

My obsession with the tale as old as time…

“Love me, that’s all I ask of you.”

— Andrew Lloyd Webber, The Phantom of the Opera

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved fairytales. As she grew, she sought out fairytales in all their versions. She was always delighted when one of them was made into a movie—but a few stood out from the rest. Such as one of her all-time favourite Disney movies, Beauty and the Beast.

When Disney released their acclaimed movie in 1991, I was only fourteen years old. I bought it on VHS and wore it out.

The next year, I had the opportunity to see the Off-Broadway version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera with my school band, which then became my new obsession. And I do mean obsession. I paid to to take my family to see it again out of my own meager wallet, listened to the soundtrack on a loop for months on end, and read both the original novel and a modern retelling by Susan Kay many several times.

Even at the time, I recognized the similarity between the two stories. But I'm not the only one who has become obsessed with the “tale as old as time.” The story of a charming beauty learning to love a prickly beast—loving the unloveable, and thereby saving them with that love—is a common romantic theme.

Pride and Prejudice. You've Got Mail. Moulin Rouge. My Fair Lady.

All of these love stories feature characters (often both of them) who seem unloveable or undesireable and are somehow “redeemed” by the influence or love of the other. (And yes, these are more of my favourites stories.)

What is it about this story line that makes it so moving?

I believe what moves us most are stories we identify with most strongly.

My heart was broken by these stories, but I didn't put myself in Belle’s shoes. (Though, had her dress presented itself, I may have borrowed that!) I always identified most strongly with Beast, or the Phantom—the gruff, damaged suitor who longed to be redeemed and restored by the love of someone kinder and more generous than he.

I think that’s the secret to the enduring popularity of the tale. No one really feels that bad for Beauty (in the original story), who gives up a pretty good life (though tormented by her older sisters) to live an even more pampered one with the Beast, who does nothing but lavish her with gifts and treat her kindly.

Or for Christine Daaé, the promising engenue of a psychotic “opera ghost” who finds fame and a handsome lover to save her from her life of loneliness (and the psycho).

Yes, these women have problems. But don’t we secretly ache for the damaged men who love them, hoping those broken souls can find the acceptance they crave?

Don’t we all feel a little (or a lot) broken sometimes and want someone to do the same for us?

I know I do. I am beyond thankful for the man I married, who puts up with my many flaws with grace and kindness.

That’s probably why my books The Friday Night Date Dress and Finding Heaven (or any of them, really) feature damaged heroines and heroes who find redemption and acceptance in the other.

When you strip away the fantastical trappings, the Beauty and the Beast story is about a broken person finding redemption through the self-sacrificing love of another—which is the ultimate definition of what love is.

This is the story that defines me. And it's not only the Tale as Old as Time, but also the Greatest Story Ever Told.

Because we could all use a little redemption once in a while.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

— Romans 5:8

This post was originally published in the Books & Inspiration Newsletter on 2019-02-15.

Since I originally wrote this post, Disney came out with the live action Beauty and the Beast, which I also loved. They took the original and honoured its spirit while making it a little deeper, fresher, and more original, and I love it when adaptations can do that.

What are some of your favourite versions of the Beauty and the Beast story? Let me know in the comments below!

Want to show your support? Join my community or buy me a coffee. You can also subscribe to this blog or buy one of my books.

Of Beauties and Beasts

My obsession with the tale as old as time…

“Love me, that’s all I ask of you.”

— Andrew Lloyd Webber, The Phantom of the Opera

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved fairytales. As she grew, she sought out fairytales in all their versions. She was always delighted when one of them was made into a movie—but a few stood out from the rest. Such as one of her all-time favourite Disney movies, Beauty and the Beast.

When Disney released their acclaimed movie in 1991, I was only fourteen years old. I bought it on VHS and wore it out.

The next year, I had the opportunity to see the Off-Broadway version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera with my school band, which then became my new obsession. And I do mean obsession. I paid to to take my family to see it again out of my own meager wallet, listened to the soundtrack on a loop for months on end, and read both the original novel and a modern retelling by Susan Kay many several times.

Even at the time, I recognized the similarity between the two stories. But I'm not the only one who has become obsessed with the “tale as old as time.” The story of a charming beauty learning to love a prickly beast—loving the unloveable, and thereby saving them with that love—is a common romantic theme.

Pride and Prejudice. You've Got Mail. Moulin Rouge. My Fair Lady.

All of these love stories feature characters (often both of them) who seem unloveable or undesireable and are somehow “redeemed” by the influence or love of the other. (And yes, these are more of my favourites stories.)

What is it about this story line that makes it so moving?

I believe what moves us most are stories we identify with most strongly.

My heart was broken by these stories, but I didn't put myself in Belle’s shoes. (Though, had her dress presented itself, I may have borrowed that!) I always identified most strongly with Beast, or the Phantom—the gruff, damaged suitor who longed to be redeemed and restored by the love of someone kinder and more generous than he.

I think that’s the secret to the enduring popularity of the tale. No one really feels that bad for Beauty (in the original story), who gives up a pretty good life (though tormented by her older sisters) to live an even more pampered one with the Beast, who does nothing but lavish her with gifts and treat her kindly.

Or for Christine Daaé, the promising engenue of a psychotic “opera ghost” who finds fame and a handsome lover to save her from her life of loneliness (and the psycho).

Yes, these women have problems. But don’t we secretly ache for the damaged men who love them, hoping those broken souls can find the acceptance they crave?

Don’t we all feel a little (or a lot) broken sometimes and want someone to do the same for us?

I know I do. I am beyond thankful for the man I married, who puts up with my many flaws with grace and kindness.

That’s probably why my books The Friday Night Date Dress and Finding Heaven (or any of them, really) feature damaged heroines and heroes who find redemption and acceptance in the other.

When you strip away the fantastical trappings, the Beauty and the Beast story is about a broken person finding redemption through the self-sacrificing love of another—which is the ultimate definition of what love is.

This is the story that defines me. And it's not only the Tale as Old as Time, but also the Greatest Story Ever Told.

Because we could all use a little redemption once in a while.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

— Romans 5:8

This post was originally published in the Books & Inspiration Newsletter on 2019-02-15.

Since I originally wrote this post, Disney came out with the live action Beauty and the Beast, which I also loved. They took the original and honoured its spirit while making it a little deeper, fresher, and more original, and I love it when adaptations can do that.

What are some of your favourite versions of the Beauty and the Beast story? Let me know in the comments below!

Want to show your support? Join my community or buy me a coffee. You can also subscribe to this blog or buy one of my books.

Life Lessons from a Late-Undiagnosed ADHD-er

“Everything distracted me, but most of all myself.”

— Patti Smith, Just Kids

Last week, my husband sent me an Instagram reel* of a couple of girls on a podcast. One of them, Lucy, had just admitted she never uses a calendar or any sort of reminder system, because she just… remembers everything somehow. The other one was aghast and incredulous.

My husband’s comment? “Remember when we could do this? I was Lucy. Lucy was me.”

My own response was much more inline with the incredulous interviewer. I replied, “I haven’t been Lucy since I was thirteen years old, because before then, no one expected me to make decisions for my own schedule and actually ensure I accomplished those things.”

(And, like the other girl, I also got hives at Lucy’s 84k+ unread emails…)

Ironically, both of these girls could have ADHD. Or neither of them. But what I do know is, when you’ve lived with undiagnosed ADHD for a long time (or diagnosed), you learn an awful lot of ways to cope with the ways your brain struggles with the everyday expectations of our society—and that often includes creating systems to compensate.

In the last couple of months, I have learned an incredible amount about the ways ADHD has shaped my life, and my dedication to time management is one of them. I mean, how many people start keeping to-do lists at thirteen? (Or maybe ten? I don’t honestly know how old I was when I started making these for myself. My mother taught me the habit early, and I saw the value.)

In fact, I think that, compared to what I imagine the average person is probably like, I’ve spent a disproportionate amount of my time organizing time and work. I’ve got systems for my systems.

I’ve used more productivity hacks, apps, and systems than I can even remember, with varying degrees of success. (Different life phases required different levels of management, obviously.) I even wrote a blog post about how I stay so productive, and the basic structure of my systems remains unchanged, even if the specifics have changed somewhat. I’ve also written plenty of blog posts about recovering from the burnout I’ve cycled in and out of due to my constant push for productivity.

(If you’re expecting this to be another one of those, it’s not. #sorrynotsorry)

Now, I’m watching two of my adult kiddos struggle with many of the same things I’ve struggled with over the years as far as managing “all the things.” And I’m so. thankful. that I found out we all have ADHD before they had to keep struggling unsupported for as long as I have. Here are a few things I hope I can help them learn, and that I had to learn the hard way over the past almost half-century of living.

And if you or someone you love has ADHD, is just starting out in life, or is simply frustrated by how long it’s taking to achieve success, I hope this helps you too.

You don’t need to have it all figured out.

“Don’t worry, you can change your mind about your choices later. But you won’t know if you want to unless you actually try something first.”

The options can be overwhelming—so pick one and start on it. The only way to make progress is to actually be moving, however slowly, so if you want to do something, you need to get over the initial resistance and start doing it. If you want to learn how to play guitar, you’ll need an instrument, a teacher or tutorial, and practice. If you want to have a career, you’ll need to decide on one to start with and make steps along that path. Don’t worry—in most cases, you can change your mind later. But you won’t know if you want to unless you actually try something first.

Slow progress is still progress. You write a book one word at a time. You knit a sweater one stitch at a time. Whatever your goals are that you wanted yesterday, you can get them in your tomorrow if you keep working toward them today, bit by bit.

“Whatever your goals are that you wanted yesterday, you can get them in your tomorrow if you keep working toward them today, bit by bit.”

You can do it all… but not all at once. I know you’re interested in so many things. Life is longer than you think, so trust that you’ll have time to do the things you want. For now, choose the ones you want to pursue most, and pursue them wholeheartedly… until you’re ready to change it up, of course.

(And it’s okay if you’re doing or pursuing more than other people. It may take you longer to find your “thing” or to figure out your version of “success”, but you’ll get there eventually.)

Your weaknesses can become your strengths.

You’re going to need to be more proactive than most people to move forward… and that’s your superpower. Throughout history, it’s people who have had to struggle the most who have often achieved the most. (Check out The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday on Goodreads.) It’s because things are harder for you that you can succeed.

Thanks to the executive disfunction of the ADHD brain, we are interest-driven in a way the average person is not. If we aren’t interested in a task, accomplishing it takes every ounce of our willpower. But if we’re engaged, time seems to stop and we want to keep doing it forever… until it becomes difficult, of course. Then we’re tempted to switch to the next easy pursuit that promises another hit of dopamine.

But what about the thing that’s worth the struggle? The thing you’re actually passionate enough about to push through the hard or boring parts to get back to the parts you love?

To pursue any of your many interests deeply enough to move forward, you’ll need to develop muscles that those who have it easier won’t have to develop. You’ll need to learn things about yourself that others may not be curious about for themselves. You’ll develop the grit and determination and perseverence and self-knowledge to keep going, even when it’s really hard and you want to quit. And you’re going to develop your creativity and resourcefulness to herculean levels to overcome the extra obstacles you find in your way.

And it will suck. But it will also help you be amazing.**

“Allow your innate creativity and pattern-matching ability to blaze a new path to success for yourself, using what you learn from others as guidelines, not rules.”

Trust your gut. You know more than you think you do, and you’re doing better than you think you are. Because we often feel like we’re “failing” at whatever we’re doing—being an adult, keeping up with “normal people”, etc.—we often misjudge how much we’ve learned about how we operate and seek advice or guidance from other voices we see as more successful or certain—someone we think has their ducks in a row.

The thing is, there are a lot of people out there giving advice that simply won’t work for you because of how your brain works. The answer may not be to try some new productivity or success hack (though you can sometimes stumble on a gem that really clicks with you). It may be to remember all the times you’ve managed to succeed before, and use the process you used then. Allow your innate creativity and pattern-matching ability to blaze a new path to success for yourself, using what you learn from others as guidelines, not rules.

No skills or knowledge you gain are ever wasted. When you find something new that you’re interested in, you dive deep. Then, when your hyperfixation has run its course, you emerge like a groundhog in spring, starving and blinking in the sunlight, wondering how you can clean up the wreck your life slid into while you were learning how to construct a full-scale catapult, recreating an authentic Regency outfit, figuring out how the water got on Mars, or learning about the migrating habits of Emperor penguins.

Or maybe you’ve tried quite a few different jobs and careers, but you haven’t found the one that keeps you interested and excited about getting out of bed in the morning.

It can be tempting to feel like each shift in interest or position is another failure in your sordid history… but it doesn’t have to be. Yeah, maybe there are a few things you could do to manage your life better while you’re learning everything there is to know about ancient Greece, but also? You never know when that information will come in handy. Plus, you’re learning how to learn, and parse new ideas. No wonder you’re so creative.

And you’ll probably have a real shot on Jeopardy. Or in a career as an author…

You’re going to be okay.

You really are a special snowflake—but there are tons of people like you. So learn from them. I’m lucky that I stumbled into a career with a lot of people who struggle with the things I struggle with (whether they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD or not), and most of them are quite willing to share what has or hasn’t worked for them. Also, since ADHD is highly heritable, I suspect many people in my rather large extended family also deal with it, undiagnosed, and I’ve learned by example how to handle it (or how not t0).

Maybe you have, too. Or maybe you feel alone in a sea of people who really don’t “get” you. If that’s true (and even if it’s not), seek out your own sources of community and support. Online groups, podcasts, YouTube videos, therapy… there are people who understand you and what you’re going through, because we’ve been there. And, if you ask, most of us would love to help you struggle less than we did. So find us and learn from us.

You don’t have to do this alone. One of the struggles of having executive disfunction is experiencing even more resistance than the average hibernating bear to wake up and get started on things. Once we start, we’re usually okay (unless the activity is completely uninteresting to us), but getting started can be like trying to push a boulder uphill. However, much like pushing a boulder in any direction is easier with two or more people, so is getting us over that initial hump of Resistance. So use this knowledge intentionally to help you—recruit study or co-writing or workout buddies, and find ways to create accountability for yourself with other people. Not only will it be easier to get started, it will be easier to keep going—and this can make a huge difference in how far you get.

You don’t need to let labels define you—but you can use the knowledge they give to empower you. I’ve had a lot of identities throughout my life, including a few I’d take back, if I could. Though I haven’t officially received an ADHD diagnosis yet, I have no doubt about what the outcome of the assessment will be—and, as I mentioned a month ago, the understanding and acceptance of this has been life-changing. It’s a label that’s helped me make sense of myself, my kids, and a few other people I know.

But it isn’t all I am.

Just like I’m not only a mom, wife, author, editor, copywriter, musician, artist, scrapbooker, seamstress, knitter, knitwear designer, Christian, pet and plant mom, worship leader, composer, graphic designer, booklover, piano teacher, saddle pad retailer, website designer, photographer, or any of the myriad of other labels and skills I’ve collected on purpose—some now out of commission, many of them still something I do or am, and all of them part of me in some way. (By the way, if you’ve ever seen yourself in the term multipotentialite—you might have ADHD.)

Nor am I only a child loss survivor, a trauma survivor, an adult child of divorce, a white, middle-class Albertan cis-woman with one sibling and more extended family members than I can shake a stick at, or any of the other labels I didn’t choose for myself.

I’ve heard people say they don’t want to get a mental health diagnosis for themselves or their child because they don’t want the label to become a crutch. Well, sadly, if someone needs a crutch, it means they have parts that aren’t working properly—and no amount of not labelling a broken leg is going to help bones heal so someone can function in a society not built for them. But, give them a proper diagnosis and tools to support their healing and functioning, and suddenly, the world becomes manageable. More than manageable—they may be empowered to conquer much more than their diagnosis or injury would have otherwise allowed.

“No amount of not labelling a broken leg is going to help bones heal so someone can function in a society not built for them. But, give them a proper diagnosis and tools to support their healing and functioning, and suddenly, the world becomes manageable. More than manageable—they may be empowered to conquer much more than their diagnosis or injury would have otherwise allowed.”

You don’t need to be afraid of the label. It will only become your excuse and the defining part of your identity if you allow it to be. Or it could be the information you need to finally overcome what’s been holding you back, letting you access support and tools to move beyond the label and do what you’ve been longing to do all along—whatever that may be.

Have I missed any? What would you add to my list? Let me know in the comments.

Thank you so much for reading!

*Yes, I’m still “off” social media, but in an “I don’t spend time there” sort of way, not in an “I deleted all my accounts” sort of way. When my husband sends me a post, I go look at it… eventually. :-)

**I am by no means diminishing the “it will suck” part about having an executive functioning disorder. I’m also fully aware that everyone struggles with ADHD differently and to varying degrees. My point is, it doesn’t only suck, or it doesn’t have to. There are things about having extra struggles that help us develop abilities others don’t ever have to—and it can be easy to forget that this, in itself, is an advantage.

Did you know you can subscribe to this blog? I also have a bi-weekly newsletter. And some pretty fun books. Thanks for being here!