David Vienna's Blog, page 217
August 25, 2015
Some people are calling for the end of cargo shorts. Admittedly,...
Some people are calling for the end of cargo shorts. Admittedly, it started as a joke, which is great. I like jokes. Really. But, tons of people—some of them dads—are joining the chorus and they’re not laughing. So, here’s the thing:
Fuck those people.
This dad I saw at the beach epitomizes the first reason people should zip their trap (and their fly, I guess) about cargo shorts. His little girl asked him to hold her doll and he just slipped them into a pocket, freeing him to continue playing with her with both of his hands. If she wants to play Ring Around The Rosie, he can do it with both hands. If she slips, he can catch her with both hands. If she does a super rad swing dismount, he can clap with both hands. And for the record, I asked this guy if I could take his pic, I wasn’t creeping.
I’m not even making the cargo-shorts-are-the-dad-purse argument. I’m just saying they were originally made for hiking through the jungle and going on safaris and shit and nothing comes closer to that experience than parenting.
I have a couple of pairs of cargo shorts and you know what? I use the pockets to hold Hot Wheels cars, Lego minifigs, clown noses, rocks—whatever the fuck my kids ask me to hold. And yeah, some of those Hot Wheels cars are mine, okay? They’re awesome!
Here’s the second reason I’m defending cargo shorts. Anyone who says you should stop wearing a particular type of clothing is a steaming sack of shit. Who gives a fuck what you think about my attire, blogger? Because it ain’t me. I’m too busy playing with my Hot Wheels cars. So, back the fuck off your Internet pedestal and check yourself.
Unless you’re talking about jean shorts. Those have to go.
August 24, 2015
August 23, 2015
Do u have kik
No.
I do, however, have Trix, which apparently are for kids.
Silly rabbit.
You didn’t clap when I won, Diddy.
You didn’t clap when I won, Diddy.
“We’ve become a nation of risk-averse,...
“We’ve become a nation of risk-averse, safety-obsessed, Purell-loving freaks, and David Vienna thinks it’s time that we all just calmed the f*ck down. Hilarious, helpful and most importantly the antidote to the age of over-parenting.” —mammalingo
Just reminding you I wrote a book that is now a bestseller. Also reminding you that proves I can finish things, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Me and my mom hanging out by an indoor waterfall in Cincinnati,...
Me and my mom hanging out by an indoor waterfall in Cincinnati, y'know, as you do.
thefingerfuckingfemalefury:
josswhedons-twittermantrum:
thefing...
Saying you child is your “kid” is an insult to goats everywhere.
I’ll insult moms everywhere. Fight me Pam.
Fuck you, Barbara
You want to do this now, Helen?
Oh it is on Brenda
Eight o clock after the PTA meeting, Joan
Uhm, my kids will be going to
bed at 8, Sandy, because unlike SOME mothers I put my children to bed at a responsible time!
Don’t you bring my kids into this, Janet
August 22, 2015
If you count my departure, I’ve been in three states in...
If you count my departure, I’ve been in three states in less than 24 hours—CA, OH, KY. Sleep was not a big part of the equation.
Architect: “What aesthetic would you like for the Columbus...
Architect: “What aesthetic would you like for the Columbus Airport?”
Airport Official: “Thunderdome.”
