David Vienna's Blog, page 139

If you’re pregnant, you’re probably… Wait. First,...

If you’re pregnant, you’re probably… Wait. First, congratulations! Or, I’m sorry.

Now, if you’re pregnant, you’re probably freaking out a bit. Or a lot. When my wife was pregnant with our twins, most of our days were spent silently staring at the wall while our minds were filled with the white noise of panic.

Thank merciful Christ, my pal Jill Krause’s new book, 50 Things To Do Before You Deliver, is available to you. And before I continue, no, it’s not about pizza.

While my debut book told parents to trust their instincts after their little rug rat was born, Jill’s book is literally a how-to on getting important and helpful shit done before said rug rat arrives. And she should know. She has, like, 83 kids.

The whole book is divided into trimesters and the chapters have pragmatic titles like “Research And Enroll In A Birthing Class” and “Stock Food You Can Eat With One Hand.” It even has a handy index to help you skip right to whatever you’re freaking out about at the moment. And the whole book just looks fantastic, too.

(On a side note: Jill and her hubby boldly sold everything and took her family on the road and is documenting the whole adventure on HappyLoudLife.com. Check it out to experience some freedom-envy.)

And trust me, a lot of the stuff she covers in the book will allow you to focus on the flaming train wreck your life becomes after you deliver. Not that I know what that’s like… Uh… Can someone call 911 for me?

Just a reminder on #ChartDay that my new book is literally full...

Just a reminder on #ChartDay that my new book is literally full of just flowcharts.

Can’t get more charty than that.

A couple of years ago, we tried hatchet-throwing. Last weekend,...

A couple of years ago, we tried hatchet-throwing. Last weekend, we tried knives. (My wife sat very far away.) Boone and I each got one to stick, Wyatt got two.

Wyatt: Papa, can I have 50 cents to use in the machine to get a super ball?Me: No. I don’t have 50...

Wyatt: Papa, can I have 50 cents to use in the machine to get a super ball?

Me: No. I don’t have 50 cents.

Wyatt: Can you use your credit card to get money.

Me: That’s not how it works.

Wyatt: Well, how can I get 50 cents?

Me: Get a job.

I’m imparting a great deal of wisdom to my boys. Like just today I told them that someday when...

I’m imparting a great deal of wisdom to my boys. Like just today I told them that someday when they’re older they’ll probably attend a party, during which one of the guests will stop the music on the stereo to play acoustic guitar. And I told them that guy is a fucking asshole.

This is how Justin Worsham and I prepare when I’m on the Dad...

This is how Justin Worsham and I prepare when I’m on the Dad Podcast.

First bellyflop of the season.

First bellyflop of the season.

Hey, nerds! I’m giving away three copies of my new book, Are We...

Hey, nerds! I’m giving away three copies of my new book, Are We There Yet, over on The Daddy Complex Facebook page.

That means you—yes, YOU—can win this incredible example of literary text sure to be placed among the greatest contributions to the artistic world alongside things like Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” and the Squatty Potty®.

Please, please. There’s no need to thank me.

“This looks like a bathroom on the Death Star.”

“This looks like a bathroom on the Death Star.”

The folks at @knockknockstuff made this video to show you just...

The folks at @knockknockstuff made this video to show you just how fucking rad Are We There Yet? looks.

The idea for the book sprang from one flowchart I did right here on the tumblrs. And since Knock Knock is no stranger to awesomely funny flowchart books (or me, for that matter), doing a book of flowcharts for parents was basically inevitable. I mean, c’mon.

Pretty much all of the charts in this book came from real-life moments or conversations I’ve experienced with my kids. Like, my son Wyatt really did try to become a ninja. (He was serious about it for about a day or two.) And though my kids never tried to dress up the dog, we did have a very long conversation about whether or not we should… and we may or many not have purchased a Chewbacca costume for her that she did not enjoy.

Anyway, check it out. As the video shows, it comes with a fold-out poster. (That was Knock Knock’s idea and I can’t tell you how cool I think it is.) Also, if early reports are any indication, kid’s will dig it, too.

You can get it at Knock Knock, Amazon, and other disreputable online stores.