Evil Editor's Blog, page 429

Professor EE 9

I sit at a desk and fondle my castanets.

Shall I dazzle EE with a tale about a mermaid, rescued from an undersea prison by a couple of cartoon oysters?

Or maybe a yarn about a matching pair of Welsh Love Spoons whose handles were lost in the Maelstrom of Llapgooley?

Or what about a sci-fi epic with two warring galaxies united by the twin cords of rhyme and reason?

I look up at EE. I'm the only one here so I'd better make this special. But what would he like? This fat old curmudgeon with the weirdest

Professor EE 8

Wow, this hairy fat dude gives me the creeps. With that sack he's carrying he looks like a demented Santa in the off-season. Why did I have to be the only one who showed up for this class? I should have expected bizarre when I signed up for Evil Literary Devices 101. Christ, he mumbles, too. I can't even understand what he's saying half the time. Oh, shit, he's got a fucking dead squirrel in that sack. What? Great! He wants me to write about a dead squirrel for the next hour. My favorite s

Professor EE 7

The door opened to reveal a heavy man carrying a heavy sack—a Scroogey sort of Santa with muttonchops.

"Dr. Editor?" I squeaked.

"Shut up." He left the sack on the floor and checked his roster. "Creative Writing, graduate level, one student. You're Rachel?"

I nodded.

"You've got an hour to write about the contents of this sack, starting—" He looked at the clock, and I scrambled for a pen and paper. "Now." He upended it, and a person tumbled out.

I stood up in my seat, my eyes wide. "

Professor EE 6

I entered the classroom to find I had but one student. Again. She wasn't bad looking, but the last time I was alone with a female student I almost lost my tenure. "You have one hour to write a paper featuring the contents of this sack," I said. "If you need me I'll be in the faculty lounge, AKA the bar in the back of Johnny's Rib Joint."

"Whoa," she replied. "Stick around a minute, because in my experience there's only two things people carry in a burlap sack: potatoes and human heads. And if you

Professor EE 5

EE dropped the burlap sack on his desk and scowled at the minions. "Three words. W.I.P.!"

A deafening silence enveloped the room for three minutes.

Fragments was the first to raise his hand. "Burlap was first exported from India in the early 19th century. It is a coarse woven fabric made from jute fibers. Jute is a long, soft vegetable-"

"Long? Soft?" Robin interrupted. She winked at EE and continued, "That's a big sack you have there."

"I don't care what's in that sack. I'm not going near it." Buff

Professor EE 4

"You. Sarah. Take this."

"Oh wow!" Sarah from Hawthorne gushed as she leapt to take the burlap sack EE dragged into the classroom. It was surprisingly sharp. "Mr. Editor, this is such an honor. I have to admit, I signed up for this course just to get some face time."

"That's fortunate," EE grunted, straightening his waistcoat as Sarah wrestled the bag onto the desk. "Since you're the only sucker who enrolled."

He upended the sack, dumping out three swords, a ray gun, a rubber chicken and two

Professor EE 3

EE set the lumpy burlap sack on the front desk, closed the door and left his lone student lone with his thoughts.

"That's it, a sack, a keyboard a blank sheet of paper. It's not in my nature to leap. I'm more of a look man. Ma is a lawyer and I always hear her say that a good lawyer should never ask a question when they don't know the answer. Fifty-eight minutes left. I don't know what the lump is, or was, or might be. Counting down, fifty-seven minutes. Observe and reconnoiter; that's what Dad s

Professor EE 2

I gave EE my best, 'you have got to be kidding look'. He did not look amused. I rolled my eyes. Still no reaction.

I considered what had gotten me into this mess and concluded - it was pride.

What had I said? 'How hard could a graduate course in creative writing be? I have had many graduate classes and I did very well.' Sure, it was being taught by the famously harsh Mr. E.E. himself, but what had I said? 'It is the tough 'take no prisoners' professors that were the best.' No false b

Saturday Film Series

Only the lucky ones get into Evil Editor's Shorts on opening night.

Book Chat Reminder

As I recall, we're discussing Man in the Dark Saturday the 18th at 9:00 AM eastern time.