Evil Editor's Blog, page 105

Practice Query #9

Dearest Ms. Rogers:

May I massage your feet? Does your floor need waxing? Would you like a box of fine chocolate? If you said no to all of the above, then please take moment to read my query. It will delight you. This query will make it to the bestseller list, get a movie deal, and float forever in time.

It's a beautiful day outside and Kasee and Klaire are stocking shelves in their Granpappy's country store, Buck Country Beer Store. He's a fine man they think, and he funds their tattoo and plastic surgery requests, but jeez, when is going to stop stinking up the back room.

It's deer season and hairy, hungry men clamor at 4am to get into the store to get their grub. Sometimes they grab, but Kasee knows that a shotgun dance calms them down. Most of the men are harmless, but when Ted, one of their favorite guys, comes running out of the woods covered in blood, no one is sure whom to trust.

Ted falls, foaming at the mouth, into Klaire's wrinkled button down plaid shirt and dies. The Clockwork Shadow is in the woods again, and he's not going to stop eating hunters. Kasee and Klaire question the situation: should they tell the rude dudes to stay out of the woods, or let them be gone forever amongst the bloody trees? They also wonder how a shadow can eat flesh, and where does Granpappy disappear to at odd hours of the night?

My fictional novel, HUNTING SEASON, of 82,000 words, is sure to delight adults of all sizes, shapes, and colors. Please remember me when cooking bacon because I know you're a bacon fan and so am I. I like biscuits and gravy too.


--CavelierdeNuit

The 4th Annual Evil Editor Auction

As usual, some of the items I offered to the Brenda Novak Auction were rejected, and I'm forced to conduct my own auction, which, like Brenda's, will run throughout the month of May.

Here are a few of the items up for bid, just to whet your appetites.







Solid gold Egyptian funerary mask of pharaoh who resembled Evil Editor.

Trust me. Nothing can inspire you to finish that novel like a death mask hanging in front of your computer, especially when that death mask looks a lot like your nemesis, Evil Editor.




One ticket to the Evil Editor Writers Conference on the isle of Crete.

Transportation, food, lodging not included. 

*Evil Editor's appearance at conference subject to availability.



A critique of your application to compete on Hell's Kitchen.

Not every heavy-smoking, loudmouthed emotional wreck makes the cut. Let Evil Editor help you book your personal 3 months of abuse.

*Winning bidder not guaranteed to appear on show.



Pressure washing of one computer keyboard.

Bad enough that dust gets in the cracks between the keys, but if you're a regular at EE's blog, you've probably spewed coffee on the keyboard a few times. Let me get your keyboard looking like new.




 



Name Evil Editor a character in your will.

It's one thing, having to think of all those names for fictional characters in your books. But your will needs names of actual people. I'm talking about people who are going to get your best stuff unless you stop them by specifically leaving that stuff to Evil Editor.




 
Ornate Picture frame with Picasso watercolor of Evil Editor

#27 in Picasso's Evil Editor series.










 Take Evil Editor on a world cruise aboard your yacht.

I promise to do all my barfing over the side if you promise not to bring your unpublished novel aboard.




An evaluation of a tweet.

Once you tweet, you look like a twit if you screwed up. Let Evil Editor turn your twitness into litness.



Box containing numerous books I bought because I liked the authors' first books, only to discover they were one-hit wonders.

Help me create room in my bookcases for other books by authors who started phoning it in after first-book flukes.



Breakfast with Evil Editor's Chiropractor.

Who knows? Maybe EE will show up and join you!


*EE unlikely to join you.



The Evil Editor Kaleidoscopic-Image Area Rug

Give your living room a touch of sophistication and a splash of color.

*EE not responsible for rug burns resulting from spontaneous love-making sessions.




One Marine mammal.

Dolphin or whale.

*Our choice.

Bubble Bath with Evil Editor.

Nothing beats a soothing, relaxing bubble bath. Unless it's a soothing, relaxing bubble bath with your secret crush.

8 is enough

Whirlochre commemorates the occasion.


This interview with John Grisham, produced by ril for anniversary #3, never gets old.


Today Only! PDF file of Evil Editor's The History of the World in Tweets , absolutely free! 
Just email request to evledtr@gmail.com.  

Offer expires when I get sick of sending it.

Pratice Query #8

Fy year, Dr John Allcock has taught at Notre Dame, where this bespectacled man of letters has sought to mold the still impressionable minds of young people before the ice-hearted world assaults, incidentally becoming involved in the lives of some of them far beyond what the Dean approves of. Notre Dame is his home, hearth and love and he will not see her sullied by the unclean hands of the ponderous world.

Dr Allcock's Religious Studies classes are always full as word of his unique teaching method of summoning angels to his room draws many curious young people who are skeptical of the appearance of such heavenly beings in our confused world today. But they are real, and not people from the Theatre Department in costumes and so it is with trepidation that Sharlene and Jeff decide to take the class. they are joined by their friends the Warley brothers, twins with red hair and bright green eyes.

But Patrick Warley has a secret and that is that his mother called him the antichrist and now that he is 21 he believes that this might be true. So he tells Dr Allcock that his brother Shamus is the antichrist and hopes the professor kills the right one in class.

Murder 101:Introduction to death is my first non fanfiction novel. I would like it to be published by someone who will pay me money. Thank you.


--Khazar-khum

Practice Query #7

I’d like to tell you about my Urban Fantasy novel, Guardian of the Lost Parakeet (185,000 words in three parts). In my research and pursuit of the genetics of parakeets, I’ve found that own one and share an interest.

When Perry Twitter, a former astronaut and test pilot, returns to Denver after his six month stint on the ISS, he discovers that he can understand the language of his pet parakeets Kiwi and Budge thanks to a stray cosmic ray that altered his genetic structure while on his last assignment, the ISS.

Unknown to any man and most of the governments of the world, parakeets and their enforcers, the secret Brotherhood of Werewolves, rule the world. However, the Malevolent Murder of Crows is challenging the parakeets power over the peoples of the world. Their only salvation is a prophecy that the chosen one, the Perspicacious Panjandrum, will rise form the mundane humans to defeat the murderous crows, acting as the amphotericin B of the human race. However, the Malevolent Murder of Crows are not only using fungal spores to sicken mankind but have enlisted the aid of a Cult of Vampires who have been lying dormant since the Inquisition staked their bloodthirsty hearts to their coffins.

Perry’s initial attempts at revealing the plot gets him crowned King of Comedy Night at the Fun Palace and a $500 award for the best Kevin McCarthy imitation. Proving the plot to the procrastinating world powers requires a leap of faith. Since the Malevolent Murder of Crows is rapidly spreading disease across the world, Perry has only a scant few days to physically join with the parakeets as the prophesied Savior-To-Be-Chosen-One. In his kitchen sink, Perry begins his first molt which will result in his ascending to the heavens giving him the power to defeat the crows and their evil allies, the vampires.

Guardian of the Lost Parakeet is a first novel and is written as emails and tweets. I’d be happy to send you a partial or complete copy of the manuscript for your review.


--Dave F.

Practice Query #6

Dear Evil Editor,

After faking his own death, Dan Duggen learns that a distant relation has left him a stock portfolio worth millions. Now Dan wonders how he can fake his own resurrection without attracting too much attention.

He makes a deal with Josh, an illusionist, and sets a simple plan: Josh has to pretend he’s a medium able to resurrect the dead.

While the Duggens are gathered in the family crypt, Josh puts on his show. But something goes wrong. Josh really manages to raise the dead, and Dan finds himself surrounded by zombie relations.

Whatever Josh has started doesn’t stop. Soon, all the graves in the cemetery are empty and zombies roam everywhere. And when Dan and Josh behead them, they rise again. Josh is one hell of a dead raiser.

Dan has to admit it; family reunions have never been much fun and old aunt Bessie trying to eat his brain is not an improvement.

And if Dan can inherit that money, why can’t aunt Bessie? Should she be discriminated against just because she has an eating disorder?

Now it’s up to Josh and Dan to send the dead back to their graves before all the dead of the world wake up or, even worse, one of Dan’s zombie relations gets the money.

Rest in Peace, Dan Duggen is a fanta-horror novel complete at 90,000 words and can be considered the prequel of World War Z.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


--anonymous

Practice Query #5

Ahem,

When, Joanas and Moses Criist, the owners of the popular S&M nightclub Dominion extend the basement, they inadvertently open a portal to Hell. The Devil, or Bezel as his friends call him, doesn't see a conflict of interest between paying customers and lost souls. That is until The Church of You Know Who comes knocking. The signal might as well be worth the Shave and a Haircut riff. Two bits.

The Devil takes Dominion viral as mortal man cries for more debauchery. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrive, closing their tour. Imagine a thousand years of exquisite pain. Times are good, Bezel makes money hand over fist and parlays his popularity by opening Dante's Timeshare condominiums. To hell with goodness, the end of days have arrived.

Not wanting to be on the wrong side of history the Almighty turns a new leaf and buys a lifetime membership in Dominion. Now that's a lot of money.

Moses is perturbed at his followers. S&M is his art, his love and muse. He wants to go back to when whips weren't an allegory and decides to go and live in the desert. Joanas is hung up, in denial. All Moses ever wanted was to get his rocks off the front porch and shut the front door. He wonders, will Joanas ever wake up from denial, and will Bezel ever become the friend he said he'd be? Moses isn't sure he'd bet his soul.

Irreverently yours,


--Kregger

Practice Query #4

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word YA paranormal romance, “Stronger than the Night.”

Ella Van Helsing has always slept with a light on. As a child, she sobbed at every sunset. Ella suffers from nyctophobia, an abnormal fear of the night. But Ella isn’t a child any longer -- she’s sixteen, and she wants to ask hunky Taylor Smith to the end-of-term school dance. Ella must overcome her self-imposed ‘home-before-dark’ curfew, or kiss any chance of romance with Taylor good-bye. Adding to the pressure, Ella’s dad is famous vampire-hunter Abraham Van Helsing IV, and he’s deeply ashamed of his daughter.

Ella’s first planned foray into the night, a quick trip to the grocery store, becomes a life-or-death chase through the streets of modern London when she witnesses a trio of vampires kidnap her little brother. In Hyde Park she loses sight of the vampires, but stumbles into a werewolf pack meeting — Taylor’s pack. Her school crush turns out to be the son of the pack’s alpha female, who takes pity on Ella and commands a resentful Taylor to help her.

Ella’s desperate race pushes her to the breaking point, but aided by her wits, Taylor’s supernatural senses, and the garlic marinara sauce in her shopping bag, Ella prevails. She not only rescues her brother and vanquishes her fears, she wins her father’s respect – and Taylor’s adoration.

Thank you for your consideration.


--IMHO

Practice Query #3

Dear Agent,I am writing you for representation of my murder mystery novel, The Burning of Issobell Key. I am writing you, because in my search for an agent I discovered that you really like spicy food.When Amelia Pettipants's sweet elderly neighbor Issobell dies in an exploding gas cooker accident, Amelia starts to investigate the odd circumstances around her death. Firstly, the police said that a cigarette ignited the gas fire, but Issobell never smoked, and secondly, Amelia has read enough murder mystery novels to know that nothing ever happens accidentally. Although she is convinced that Issobell was murdered, she struggles to find a motive. Issobell was the kindest old lady in the village of Boring-On-End and had never upset anyone in her life. Except she did make the hottest curries that Amelia had ever eaten. Amelia’s only lead to find the culprit is that one of Issobell’s recent dinner guests must have gotten chronic stomach problems from the intense spice. To track down the killer, Amelia throws a curry-making competition in Issobell's honor. It fails miserably when only three people enter the competition and none of them use chilies in their curry. Amelia finally comes to the depressing realization that everyone in the village is a suspect. Frustrated and worried about her inability to uncover Issobell's killer, Amelia comes up with her most nefarious plan yet. She will host the entire village for a giant feast of her signature dish, Buffalo wings. To find out who would kill over a case of chronic indigestion she adds a secret ingredient to the wings sauce, a bucket full of the world’s hottest peppers. When she doubles over 75% of the villagers with her aggressively hot Buffalo wings, she realizes that infuriating the killer might be a mistake. But that worry is short lived, because now she won't be able to work out who the killer was as the whole town is out for her blood. Can she fend them off by throwing insanely hot Buffalo wings, or will they cook her up and turn her into the bland meal they all desire?The Burning of Issobell Key is complete at 70,000 words. I have attached the first five pages of my manuscript, and the Buffalo wings recipe that I modelled Amelia's wings off. Please write back if you would like to request the rest of the manuscript or Issobell's Yorkshire pudding recipe.Sincerely,
--Cil

Practice Query #2

Dear Evil One,

Apologies for the small handwriting but I am seeking representation for my 80,000 word thriller THE LEPRECHAUN CONNECTION and I'm not the tallest guy in the world.

See that last d? And the period? Took me half an hour to paint those. Ma said it'd be quicker to use a yard broom but that feels disrespectful given your credentials. So I'm sticking with a regular paintbrush. Horse bristles.

TUESDAY

So. Anyway. My thriller.

I figure a hard-boiled private eye will play well in the current socio-political climate. Vampires and werewolves are so yesterday. And thanks to the British royal family, interest in princesses has blossomed worldwide, so (genre bust ahoy!) my thriller combines the two.

WEDNESDAY

Back hurts a little. Will return tomorrow. I suppose I should have written 'tom' there and kept things simple to demonstrate my understanding of conciseness and editing etc but I left it in because industriousness and tenacity are bigger hitters in my book, especially when it comes to other people's books. Take Grisham. The guy's a sticker, a worker, a winner.

SATURDAY

Apols. In hosp.

Plot:

Eye rescues princesc
godam yard broom

If U want more, doc says I'm gtg for visits after 5pm.

Thx 4 tm & cons.

Rafferty O Flafferty O Lafferty

FRIDAY

PS:
This dbls as follow-up 4 in 3 months.


--Whirlochre