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Blurb Books, which prints Evil Editor's 8 by 10 full-color books, is running a sale offering 25% off on orders of $100.00 or more. Which means I can order three or more copies of my graphic novel Schliegelman Saves the Universe, which stars Evil Editor as Schliegelman, for $30 each instead of $40. As I have to pay to have them shipped to me and to then ship one to you, I up the price to $40 (including shipping). The book is available only in my store because Amazon is a bunch of mean bullies. Just click on SHOP in the sidebar. (Also available in hardcover for an extra $10.) (If you're outside the US, email me.)

Face-Lift 1206

Guess the Plot

The Nexus

1. Time, spirit, space, and temperature have no meaning in . . . The Nexus! Neither do characterization, voice, grammar or spelling.

2. In this multiversial scifi literary romance thriller, a man falls out of a spaceship and is sucked into . . . the Nexus.

3. Only teenager Cole can prevent the genocide of all unintelligent humans. All he has going for him is his own intelligence and a secret weapon known as . . . The Nexus!

4. All across the land, human beings of all stripes are being drawn inexorably from their dwellings to transfer points where they're shifted to other realms. Yes, it's the History of Railroad Stations, but nobody'd buy a book with that title.

5. Seemingly random online strangers find themselves on a serial killer’s potential victim list. Will they discover in time that the  killer is a Grammar Nazi trying to eliminate the biggest online offenders of the English language?

6. Mick and the other sales staff place bets on how many times the jargon-spewing Communications Manager will babble "the nexus" in her weekly seminar. After the seminar, controversy breaks out over whether her use of nexus as a verb counted, and what the hell nexus means anyway.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Seventeen-year-old Cole has a rare gift—intelligence. The Malkum, a former think tank gone rogue, jealously guards their position of power by killing those who might pose a challenge. Cole avoids detection by living among the unintelligent humans, the Indignis. [Over whom do the Malkum have power? What kind of power?]

Cole narrowly escapes death when the Malkum targets him and murders his people. [Who are his people? His family? The people he's hiding among?] He learns of a clandestine rebellion seeking to overthrow the Malkum, and discovers that his intelligence was not an accident of evolution. The rebellion bred him to lead their army against the enemy, sending him to live among the Indignis so he could learn to love those he must later fight to protect. [If the rebellion were intelligent enough to figure out how to breed one really intelligent person, why not breed thousands?]

Resolved to prevent the genocide of the Indignis, [He was originally trying to keep from being killed by hiding among the Indignis. Which makes little sense if there's a genocide of Indignis underway.] [Wait, the Malkum are trying to kill all the intelligent humans and all the unintelligent humans?

Malkum 1: Anyone smart enough to challenge our power must be killed.

Malkum 2: Yes. Then it'll be just us and all the idiots.

Malkum 1: Yes, the idiots . . . The idiots can be so annoying.] he must overcome his self-doubt, escape the crosshairs of the enemy, and convince an unwilling army [If he's counting on the Iraqi army, he's in trouble.] to follow him to the enemy’s gate. [Is only thing protecting this former think tank from the rebellion army a gate? Lucky for them the rebel army are all idiots.]

The rebellion has given Cole a secret weapon, the scope of which must remain hidden from even Cole—the Nexus, a psychological weapon that hides one’s memories from one’s self.

Complete at 95,000 words, THE NEXUS (Science Fiction) combines the empathetic leadership of Orson Scott Card’s Ender Wiggin with mind-altering weaponry reminiscent of Total Recall.


Notes

The Malkum is sort of stuck between the intelligent and the unintelligent. Maybe you should call the book Malkum in the Middle.

Have they been waiting 17 years for Cole to be ready to take down the Malkum?

What is the setting? A planet? A country? A city? One former think tank is going to have a limited area it can control, I would think. Do they have an army of their own, or secret weapons?

So this secret weapon will rob the enemy of their memories? And once they forget they're trying to kill everyone, all will be well?

Is Cole's intelligence greater than that of the Malkum? Is he like a superhero, and his superpower is intelligence? Most of the super brains choose to be criminals: Moriarty, Doctor Doom, Brainiac, Lex Luthor, Goldfinger.

Maybe we should lose the setup and start: Seventeen-year-old Cole has been bred as the savior of the Indignis, idiots ruled by the super-intelligent Malkum. That leaves plenty of room to tell us what Cole's plan is, what obstacles cause his plan to go awry, what he does about it, what will happen if he fails. In other words, we want the story, not the situation.

Face-Lift 1205

Guess the Plot

Battleground: Jet

1. The last thing Jerry expects when he books his flight to Vegas is that two different terrorist groups will have teams aboard the plane trying to bring it down. Or that the winners of the national mixed martial arts championships would also be aboard, heading home from their White House visit.

2. Klarissa thinks her jet black eyeliner is sexier than Marissa's kohl eyeliner. When Marissa shows up at the school dance with the new jet kohl eyeliner, and Klarissa's crush, the fight is on! And where did all the werewolves wearing the newest jet black kohl eyeliner come from?

3. Jason has big hopes for his new game, Battleground:Jet. Dreaming of millions and a life of leisure, he releases it to adoring fans who swoon with joy over the high-tech game. But there's just one problem: All his fans are girls. Girls playing an air combat game? Yuck! Now what will he do? And will he have to leave the basement to do it?

4. Fourteen-year-old Jet enters the BattleGround Games hoping to become champion of the solar system. If he wins, he gets fame and fortune. If he loses, billions of people die; and you don't even want to know what happens to Uranus.

5. Hades' Devilspawniest EVUH gather to argue the toss over PERSONAL EVIL. Only one will make Apocalypse Academy. And RULE. Will Yellerpants Kindasatany Lite make the grade? Or will the "Jet Black Persona" Clause precipitate foiled fiend oblivion?




Original Version

(Hi, thank you for doing this! In addition to the query, I'm concerned about whether such an anime-style plot is sellable to the Western market. Can I get away with a story like this?) [I can't tell if you're afraid Westerners are too sophisticated to buy into the plot, or too stupid to get it. Guess we're about to find out.]


Dear Agent,

The BattleGround Games are the solar system's most popular sport. Competitors use advanced technological and magical "upgrades" to fight their opponents [It's like the Olympics, except you can cheat.] on areas that vary from abandoned cities to entire planets on the edge of the system. [Is this our solar system?] [If so, the planets on the edge of the system are Neptune and Uranus. No one cares about Neptune, but I hope the technological upgrades allowed to competitors from Uranus don't include noxious gas bombs.]

Fourteen-year-old Jet dreams of competing in the Games, and after a chance encounter with a disgraced former Battler, [He was disgraced for using advanced technological upgrades that were a little too advanced. I mean it's one thing for Oscar Pistorius to wear springy blades, but this guy blew the field away in the marathon by using a motorcycle.] [It would be cool to see an Olympic high jumper come out wearing a jet pack. There may not be a rule specifically prohibiting jet packs.] [I still can't believe they let Michael Phelps get away with wearing swim fins in the London Olympics.] it seems he might just get his chance. He does well in his first few games, and befriends a cheerful mechanic named Caera, who agrees to help him [A mechanic? Wait, is Jet a robot?] [How did he do so well before he had a mechanic? A Battler without a mechanic is like a Torturer without a thumbscrew, as the old saying goes.] during what she expects to be a short Battler career.

Jet finds a rival in the mysterious Lancer, an earth-born girl who doesn't seem to care for the fame and fortune that motivates most of the players. [Is Jet earth-born?] While investigating her origins, [To confirm that she wasn't actually born on Krypton.] Jet discovers a plot to rig the games -- a plot that would destroy several planets and kill billions of people, all live on TV. [To put that on a smaller scale, it's like the Jamaican bobsled team nuking every other bobsledding country so they can win Olympic gold.] In order to save the solar system, Jet has to win the Games and expose the cheaters. ["Cheaters" is a rather mild term to use for those plotting to kill billions of people.] But that's easier said than done, especially when he realizes that everyone around him has secrets, and no one is completely trustworthy.

BATTLEGROUND: JET is a YA science fantasy novel complete at 60,000 words. It is a self-contained novel, but has potential for a series. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I would label this Middle Grade rather than YA. Jet's a bit young for YA, and while you could make him 17 instead of 14, I think you'll find most people would rather the fate of the solar system were in the hands of Ender Wiggin than Ferris Bueller.

I would like a better idea of what the BattleGround Games are. If it's one sport, like the World Cup, what's it like? If it's more like the Olympics, what's Jet's event? A query for The Hunger Games would tell more about the games than that competitors can use a variety of weapons.

Are the villains willing to destroy planets and kill billions just to win the Games? Or is there an ulterior motive?

Is it normal for Battlers to investigate their opponents' origins? If so, why?

I'm not sure what makes this plot "anime-style," but I can see it appealing to kids.

Evil Editor Classics

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Wolves and Walls

1. Luna isn't rabid or dangerous, so why should she have to be quarantined with the other werewolves? She shouldn't, but even that would be better than what'll happen if the town's Civic Committee changes the law and gives wolfwomen the death penalty.

2. Terry Zygax is world-renowned for creating the worst role-playing game of all time, Wolves and Walls. Now homeless and addicted to modeling glue, Terry is faced with a chance at vindication when his small Wisconsin town is overrun by a pack of rabies-infected wolves, and only Terry knows how to stop them. Ok, it's walls. Pretty much any wall will keep them from getting at you.

3. Mazeworld Amusement Park is losing business as the extreme-sports movement spreads. Visitors aren't attracted to contemplation and puzzle-solving. But ambitious new manager Lupe has a plan to make hedge mazes more intense.

4. Tired of the deer getting into your vegetable garden? From his twenty years of experimentation and experience with wildlife, the author offers up his revolutionary method, using both natural and man-made approaches to the ungulate problem.

5. The last days of the Roman Empire. Legionnaire Hanno watches over the parapets of Hadrian's wall, where wolves and blue-daubed savages fight over the bones of Rome's civilization. Millenia later, an archaeology student discovers the potsherds his diary was scratched on, and is bored.

6. Successful game designer Brett is psyched about his new werewolf-based RPG - until he discovers he's offended the actual werewolf pack living in the local forest. Can he convince the lovely lycanthrope Leilani not to rip him to shreds? And can Brett handle a real adventure?

7. When Gemma the witch decides to open a nightclub for werewolves and vampires, everyone simply smiles. But the lichmaster who runs the zombie whorehouse isn't smiling, and soon, Gemma won't be, either. Can she save her dream?


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Luna Weaver, sixteen years old, has been hiding the fact that she is a werewolf from the age of eleven. [When once a month you become a raving lunatic, it's hard to hide it. And it's even harder to hide it when once a month you become a werewolf. Ba dum ching.] Now, the governments have decided that the rules are about to change: could the punishment for being a werewolf now be death? ["Punishment" suggests wrongdoing. Perhaps "price" or "cost" would be better.] [Better yet: "weregild."]

Werewolves have historically been considered a diseased population and a threat to public safety, [Especially when they tear the throats out of people.] but not all werewolves are rabid or dangerous. Luna Weaver certainly is not. But she has been hiding the fact that she is a werewolf [Already said.] from the people of Wall-in-the-Wood for fear of being forced to live under the strict quarantine that the town uses to prevent the spread of the werewolf population. [Okay people, there's a full moon tonight, so follow directions and no one will get hurt. All werewolves stay behind this wall. No climbing over the wall and no walking around it to our side.] No one knows, not even her friends who live inside the quarantine. [Are werewolves quarantined only when the moon is full? If so, what's their complaint? If not, how did Luna become friends with people who are always quarantined?]

When Luna is sixteen, a new Civic Committee is convened by the Civil Councils of the towns to form a ruling about werewolves. [Okay, settle down folks, and we'll start the meeting. First order of business: all these damn werewolves.] The towns have been using different methods of werewolf prevention, [I wonder if that's why they blew up the moon in that query earlier this week. Werewolf prevention. Could work.] but that is about to change. The Civic Committee could rule in favor of captivity, even death, and there is nothing Luna can do about it. Until she meets Seath Hunter, a representative from a city where being werewolf is a crime punishable by death, who has his own reasons for hating werewolves. [He lost his sheep-shearing job because werewolves were willing to do it for half the wages.] 

Seath is intrigued by the mysterious girl [How is she mysterious?] everyone knows but no one seems to know about, and he makes it his mission to uncover what Luna's hiding. [When people are making it their mission to find out what you're hiding, you're not hiding the fact that you're hiding something well enough.] When a fateful night in the woods reveals Luna's secret, the pair of unlikely friends decide to use Seath's place on the Civic Committee to attempt the impossible: ensure the freedom to feared and trapped werewolves. [What happened to Seath's reasons for hating werewolves?]

These events unfold in Wall-in-the-Wood, a town characterized by its stone walls and werewolf quarantine. [You make it sound like their tourism slogan is Visit lovely Wall-in-the-Wood, where all our werewolves are quarantined.] Wolves and Walls is 62,000 words. The full manuscript is available on request.

Thank you for your time and for your consideration,


Notes

Is this YA?

Is this an allegory for the civil rights movement? Is there a scene with werewolves marching peacefully and townspeople turning fire hoses on them?

I can understand Seath not wanting to kill Luna, as she's undoubtedly pretty hot, but why is a guy who hates werewolves now trying to give them their freedom?

Wait, is this an allegory and the werewolves are the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay?

There seem to be a lot of werewolves. Shouldn't they organize and wait for the full moon and rip everybody's throat out?

What does the quarantine consist of? Is it voluntary? Are they under guard? Are they basically in prison or just told to stay behind some wall?

For the query you might want to just refer to the town council. This convening of the civic committee of the civil councils is a lot of "c" words to digest at once. It's like eating clam chowder over chocolate cake.

Selected Comments

December/Stacia said...Sorry. Perhaps I'm just confused, or a terrible person, but I don't understand why quarantining werewolves during a full moon is such a terrible idea. Are these weres capable of regular human thought while in wolf form? Do they go about their normal business, or are they actually wolves who kill livestock and people? You say "not all" werewolves are rabid or dangerous, which implies that at least some are.

Or are they quarantined all the time, in which case I see the problem more. I guess they are all the time, since you mention her friends who live inside the quarantine, but the quarantine doesn't really sound like a quarantine if she has friends who live in it that she keeps in contact with. It sounds more like a segregation than a quarantine.

If not every town has werewolf quarantines, and the wolves hate it so much, why don't they move?

How has Luna been able to hide her condition? Wouldn't her parents notice, at least? If wolves are such a threat, wouldn't people be on the lookout for them during the full moon?

Why is the Civic Committee being formed now? What happened to make this suddenly a bigger issue? How long have there been weres? You mentioned that they've "historically" been considered a diseased population, which implies they've been around for a considerable amount of time, so why are the councils only now getting around to thinking maybe they should standardize their treatment of them?

What world is this? Because the idea that a bunch of town leaders could order the deaths of thousands of people who lead normal lives outside of three nights a month seems a bit much, at least in our society. And how big is the world, how populous?

Why don't the weres go form their own town?

All these questions may be answered in the ms, but as it is the query only makes it sound like there may not be answers to it. I think even a simple sentence or two explaining the world itself would help quite a bit. Along with explaining why Seath would suddenly decide his previous reasons for hating wolves don't work for him anymore, and why there seems to be no one at all willing to say "Hey, maybe we shouldn't just slaughter people for being weres, when segregating them seems to work just fine."

Also, I'd consider changing the heroine's name. "Luna" is pretty common for werewolf MCs.

Just my thoughts. Good luck!


150 said...If there are werewolves everywhere, I assume Seath Hunter has met a fair few, so I can't picture how one night with Luna would change his mind. Surely a few of the other werewolves must be hot sixteen-year-old girls. If she saves his life or something, you'd better say so.

How does Luna have friends inside the quarantine zone?


Hebe said...I like your voice. When the voice is good you get a free pass on some content issues but why risk it.

Why can Luna hide her werewolfiness ? A brilliant talent with depilatories? What hidden reason does Seath have to hate werewolves? -- is it the fabulously unusual hidden plot twist I am longing to see in print -- His brother was a werewolf that turned into a kitten, a poached egg or some inappropriate higher power so his parents disowned him leaving Seath with survivor guilt? Inquiring minds want to know.

BTW - Name suggestions -- Beamer Weave ? -- Like moonbeam, denotes a kinder werewolf.

Seath doesn’t sound very wolfy. How about: Voll der Mond (full moon) = Sol Dermond. Sol = sun, Luna = moon

“Their love eclipsed the qualities of light and dark and saved”......well, you know, whatever needs saving.

Or maybe Latin - Clarence (clear luminous), with a last name denoting a dark unhappy childhood -- or whatever his big secret is.

You’ve got some good stuff, with a few changes, (you've got some great comments to work with,) it could be compelling. Good luck with the pitching.


Sarah from Hawthorne said...I agree with pretty much everything December/Stacia said. If you're doing a variation on werewolves where some are dangerous and some are not, a sentence or two up front to explain the rules would be helpful.

The mind boggles as to how a child can possibly hide werewolfishness without the aid of friends or family. At 16, maybe. At 11, no. Perhaps it makes sense in the book, but for the query you may want to leave out the age that all this started at.

Speaking of age, how old is Seath and what exactly is it about Luna that makes him change his mind about werewolves?


Dave F. said...How many children have hidden their sexual orientation, love affairs and pregnancies, alcohol and drug abuse from parents?

I find it completely plausible for Luna to hide being a werewolf for years and leave her parents and the others clueless.


Phoenix said...I agree with Stacia. I'm afraid I'm not getting a clear understanding of what werewolves are and how the human population regards them from the query.

They're considered diseased and a threat in your second 'graph, but in P3, some towns call being a werewolf a crime. And if the Committee may rule in favor of captivity or death, does that mean the town that kills them would have to stop killing them if the ruling is to just keep them in captivity? And if they are already being quarantined, how is that different from captivity?

And others have ably pointed out there is no motivation in the query for Seath to 1) befriend Luna if he thinks she's hiding something or 2) suddenly decide werewolves are not a danger. So his motivations need to be elaborated on.

And since you leave open the issue of just how many werewolves may be rabid and dangerous, a little more background on the biology or philosophy of your werewolf population would be in order, I think. If 95% of the were population is rabid/dangerous, then the battle to tolerate the ones who aren't is going to be even greater.

(And if the ruling is in favor of giving werewolves freedom to be what they are without persecution, will the towns have to pay restitution to those werewolves who were incarcerated or to the families of weres who were killed? That could color their thinking as well...)


Hebe said...If Luna is the kind of werewolf that changes every night and bites the heads off the family pets, then Yes, I do think this might be a difficult thing to keep from the folks. But, if there is something going on like a once a month small mustache episode or "gee I forgot the shave my legs" kind of thing" then OK she's home free. I was kind of hoping it was a full blown howling at the moon transformation so that she decided to pretend to become a young republican and go to training sessions once a month,(really going to a nearby town to harass the pets of strangers). I just want to know how it happens... because it sounds like it could be an unusual plot twist that could sell the book.


chelsea said...I don't think we need to know that Luna has been hiding her identity since age eleven in the query. The fact that she's hiding it is information enough. And thank you Dave for pointing out how easy it is for teens to hide things. A clever teen could easily find a way to hide her werewolf nature, even if it meant chaining herself down for one day a month.

I think the first two paragraphs can be shortened a bit. Maybe something like:

"Sixteen year old werewolf Luna Weaver has always managed to keep her identity a secret, but when the government expands their anti-werewolf legislation, Luna's life is suddenly at stake."

Are you using the word "rabid" figuratively or literally? If figuratively, consider a different word, because using the word rabid when talking about wolves makes me think of actual rabies.

I think a lot of the confusion people are having comes from not knowing which kind of werewolf Luna is. Some werewolves are humans who turn into actual wolves and some werewolves are humans who turn into weird wolf-human hybrids. The latter is often the dangerous kind, due to the fact that actual wolves really don't go around attacking humans unless directly challenged. Human misconceptions about actual wolves are really astounding.

"The idea that a bunch of town leaders could order the deaths of thousands of people who lead normal lives outside of three nights a month seems a bit much, at least in our society. "

Really? I would think a look at human history and current events would disprove that theory.


talpianna said...Isn't being a werewolf hereditary if it isn't caused by being bitten by one? In that case, wouldn't at least one of Luna's parents (or a grandparent if it's the kind of mutation that skips a generation) be a werewolf, so she would not need to keep it a secret within the family?



BuffySquirrel said...Take away the dangerousness from werewolves and you're left with an animal wandering around looking for its pack. Don't Luna's family wonder why a wolf turns up every month and tries to snuggle?


December/Stacia said...Really? I would think a look at human history and current events would disprove that theory.

Which current events are those, Chelsea? Have I missed a mass genocide of this nature taking place in the US? Or in any democratic nation?

Because last time I checked, a police shooting is cause for controvery and criminal trials, much less something along the lines we're discussing here.

I certainly haven't seen any news about [insert minority here] being lined up against walls on the edges of towns and shot by firing squads while onlookers cheered all over the US (I did say "in our society," remember). Or England. Or Canada. Or even France. Or any other democratic country I can think of. And Germany gave that one a try sixty years or so ago and is still trying to make up for it.

But you know, I'm stuck in rural England at the moment, so I could just not be up on my current events.


chelsea said...I was speaking primarily of war. And torture camps. I think we probably just see them differently.


BuffySquirrel said...Perhaps you need to extend your list of democratic countries to include Serbia.


December/Stacia said...Perhaps you need to extend your list of democratic countries to include Serbia.

My point was NOT that such things never ever happen. I am aware of war and torture camps and all of the ugliness of which human beings are capable and I am not disputing any of it.

My point was that these things do not happen without any controversy, without anyone in the world saying it's wrong. Hence my repeatedly mentioning cheering onlookers. Seems to me bloody battles were fought in Serbia and Kosovo to stop events like those from happening; that hardly implies an entire nation, acting as one, smiling fondly at its leaders while they murder innocent people.

I would also argue whether or not Serbia is actually "a society like ours," which again was my entire point. Do such things happen, yes, of course they do. But if they do in your book, you need to clarify how and what kind of society and world you're dealing with.

Would I believe hundreds/thousands of innocent people being rounded up and killed just for being different in Serbia (which was NOT a democracy until recently), and everybody knows about it and nobody has a single problem with it? Yes, I suppose so, though I'd still find it far-fetched that nobody even thought perhaps it was wrong. Would I believe the same thing happening in Wisconsin or Nevada or New York? No. Not unless you have built the world properly, and this query doesn't, which is why the question came up in the first place.


BuffySquirrel said...If the Serbs didn't approve of what their leader was doing, why did they keep re-electing him?

But of course if you narrow the definition of the kind of society you think won't do such things to the kind of society that hasn't, at least in recent years, then yeah, you'll win the argument!


Author said...Luna Weaver, sixteen years old, has been hiding the fact that she is a werewolf from the age of eleven. Now, the governments have decided that the rules are about to change: could the punishment for being a werewolf now be death?

Luna Weaver never met a werewolf who dreamed of hurting human beings, and Luna knows many werewolves – not surprising, as she is one. Luna has never hurt anyone. But she, with the help of her mother, has been hiding the fact that she is a werewolf from the people of Wall-in-the-Wood for fear of being required to live under the strict, involuntary quarantine that the town uses to prevent the spread of the werewolf population. No one else knows, not even her friends who dutifully live segregated behind the wall.

Wall-in-the-Wood isn’t the only town with a werewolf problem, but the towns have been using different methods of prevention since the last Civic Committee failed to create a universal plan a decade ago. However, a new Committee has been formed, which could rule in favor of captivity, even death, and there is nothing Luna can do about it. Until she meets Connor Hunter, a representative from a city where being werewolf is a crime punished by death, who has his own reasons for hating werewolves.

Connor is intrigued by the mysterious girl everyone knows but no one seems to know about, and he makes it his mission to uncover what Luna’s hiding. Their mutual respect and little bit of trust is put to the test when a fateful night in the woods reveals Luna’s secret. Connor is forced to confront the conflict between his new friend and his hatred for the werewolf who killed his best friend years ago.

As Connor faces internal conflict between his new friend and the memory of an old one, Luna must deal with a new choice in her personal life. She’s developed feelings for Toby, a werewolf friend in the Quarantine, and he likes her back. However, he persists in reminding her that she is a non-werewolf who deserves a happy life outside the Quarter’s walls.

While Luna remains troubled about her relationship with Toby, Connor joins in hiding Luna’s secret, and the pair decides to use Connor’s place on the Civic Committee to ensure the freedom to feared and trapped werewolves.

Wolves in Walls is a 62,000 word young adult novel. A partial or the full manuscript is available on request.

Thank you for your time and for your consideration,


 _*Rachel*_ said...
paragraph 2: cut from “, and Luna knows” to “never hurt anyone;” it’s redundant. Then make the two parts of the paragraph connect. And no need for “involuntary;” it’s implied. Delete “dutifully.”

Phrase the town thing more clearly. “Soon Wall-in-the-Wood and its neighboring towns will meet to determine once and for all what to do with the werewolves: imprisonment or death?” Give or take. Change “until” to “then.” And I’m assuming that the convention is either in W-in the-W or Luna is her town’s rep, probably the former. You might want to say it, and you could spice it up by saying that all the extra people in town make it dangerous or something.

Her name’s Luna. What does he think she’s hiding? That was sarcasm, not a query suggestion.

If Toby’s in quarantine, how does Luna see him? I thought quarantine meant that about the only person who came/left was the doctor, if that.

I have no idea what you mean Toby’s trying to tell her. Is she guilt-tripping because he’s behind bars and she isn’t? That’s a bit more lucid.

Maybe you could wrap up with something like: “But even though Luna really does like Toby, Connor just promised to ensure that the werewolves are set free.

Would the Committee really go from considering death to considering freedom? And aren’t the names “Luna” and “Hunter” VERY obvious? Maybe I’m just a nerd, but luna is always moon, and that’s too easy when you’ve got werewolves in your book.

Still, it’s got potential!


Aimee K. Maher said...I guess the thorn in my eye here is this...fantasy is great, but it usually has an anchor in reality somewhere. We put dogs to sleep for biting the neighbor. Werewolves would be screwed. I'm having a hard time picturing a werewolf pound.


writtenwyrdd said...The revised version is waaaaaay too wordy and there's too much backstory. I'd suggest you start along the lines of "Luna has a choice. A or B." Give us the stakes, make us feel the emotional cost and worry for either choice.

And I have to say that Luna as the name for a werewolf? Wouldn't the neighbors be a bit suspicious? In fact, wouldn't a name like Luna make them think, hmmm, with a name like that, perhaps we should cut her hand off to see if there is fur inside her skin? (A traditional way of revealing a were.)


vkw said...It's a bit wordy but it sounds like you have a good story. I would make changes as follows:

Luna Weaver, sixteen years old, has been hiding the fact that she is a werewolf (since she was eleven, avoiding having to be quarantined like other werewolves in her town. There is now a push to change the law from segregation to death”)

(I don’t think this paragraph is necessary at all)

Luna Weaver never met a werewolf who dreamed of hurting human beings, and Luna knows many werewolves – not surprising, as she is one. Luna has never hurt anyone. But she, with the help of her mother, has been hiding the fact that she is a werewolf from the people of Wall-in-the-Wood for fear of being required to live under the strict, involuntary quarantine that the town uses to prevent the spread of the werewolf population. No one else knows, not even her friends who dutifully live segregated behind the wall.

Wall-in-the-Wood isn’t the only town with a werewolf problem, but (different) towns have been using different methods of controlling the problem for the last decade). A new Committee is formed, which is leaning for a universal plan of execution rather than imprisonment. Luna believes there is nothing she can do to help her friends who are werewolves until she meets Connor Hunter, a representative from a town where being a werewolf is a capital offense).

Connor is intrigued by the mysterious girl everyone knows but no one seems to know about, and he makes it his mission to uncover what Luna’s hiding. (Their respect and friendship is tested when Connor is forced to confront his feelings for Luna and his hatred the werewolf that killed his best friend years ago when her secret is accidentally revealed one night.)

(Meanwhile, Luna is developing strong feelings for Toby, a werewolf in Quarantine. He persists in reminding her that she is a non-werewolf who deserves a life of freedom (now here I am confused is she struggling to want to join him? Is that the conflict?, if so) while she considers revealing her secret so that they can be together.)

(Meanwhile, Connor decides to help Luna hide her secret and the pair conspire together to change the laws by using Connor’s position on the Committee.)

Wolves in Walls is a 62,000 word young adult novel. A partial or the full manuscript is available on request.

Thank you for your time and for your consideration,

(I would add what genre and audience and put it toward the top. So editors and agents know right off the bat if this is a story they represent)


Unrepentant Escapist said...You're using a lot of repetition. Now twice in one sentence, has been hiding, etc. Also, a lot of to be verbs (is, was). Try to use more aggressive verbs and cutting out excess (he persists in reminding her...how bout he just reminds her?) "And he likes her back" sounds a little juvenile. I'd shorten the query by sticking to the main character's plot arc. You're bouncing around a little.

For me, this isn't standing out amongst the sea of other werewolf fantasies begging me to read them. Werewolves everywhere are fighting for acceptance--How is yours different or special? The community council angle has potential. I think you need to start out with something a little more rambunctious and shorten things up.


Anonymous said...There's too much information. Trim it down, a lot, and get to the heart of it. You can bring in Connor and Toby but focus on Luna instead of trying to give attention to all three. What's her story. Why should I care about her? What choices will she have to make?

Also, the first two paragraphs kind of repeat each other. Streamline those. And in the second paragraph, don't use "never" so much. It makes me not believe you. It also makes me think "never say never," all of these "never"s won't stay that way for long.

Face-Lift 1204

Guess the Plot

The Downwinders' Secret

1. Seth Thomas Bulova's life-long fascination with horology led to his creation of a watch movement that could control time itself, simply by winding it backwards! Unfortunately, his discovery remained known but to him because no one knew what "winding a watch" meant anymore.

2. Everyone in town knows where Bleu is, at any given moment. You have to, if you want to live. Bleu’s renowned for his ability to cut one loose, to let her rip, to cut the cheese; and if you’re in the flight path, your life isn’t worth a toot. So they rigged the whole town to revolve, at a moments notice. Naturally, it was gas powered. Then the machinery broke. Also, fans. Lots of really big ones. And miles of extension cords.

3. Val owns a strip club that features windup women instead of real ones, and none of his patrons can tell the difference. When Marta, the only woman who knows how to wind the women down, is murdered, can Val figure out her secret to save his growing business?

4. Josh and Janet Downwinder buy the Barnett Funeral Home. They offer full services including headstones, burial service, and cremation. One day the police exhume a body previously declared as a suicide. The coffin contains bones but not human bones. They check cremated remains and find those, too, are not human. What happened to the human remains?

5. Suppose your great grandfather lived downwind from a nuclear test site in the 50s. Suppose he was later experimented on by a scientist using alien genetic material from Roswell, which gave him interesting powers. Suppose those powers were passed down to you on your 16th birthday. Could you bring down a secret military installation and save all the children in town? Okay, but what if you had a ghost helping you? 

6. When Johnny's dad decides his son is ready to hunt--it's time to load up the pickup with camo, shotguns and shells. It's killing time! The trick to a successful hunt is a sensitive nose and never walk upwind of the bean eaters. Bush's beans is excellent bait and a downwinder's secret for a good kill.

7. Aedan was a handsome enough lad, if a little thick. But he did have talent. He could cause the bearings on a self-winding wristwatch to freeze up, just by looking at it. Fishing reels were known to explode into an infinity of snarls, whenever he walked by. And every time he went to a game, baseball pitchers collapsed into quivering blobs of emotion before they could even release the ball towards the plate. Now if he could only figure a way to cash in on his power.

8. A lad from County Down wanted to throw a Frisbee around with his dad. His dad threw the Frisbee with the wind, and way too far. By the time the lad had returned, his dad was gone. The only things he’d left behind were a weather vane, and some moth-eaten sweaters. What was the Downwinders Secret? (And could it possibly be any more boring?)

9. In occupied France, a small band of resistance fighters, the Downwinders, using a device to intercept Nazi communications, discover that the Furher himself will be traveling through Alsace. An assassination mission will surely be a suicide mission, but Marcel is willing to take that risk. But when some of their band are captured, can he trust that they'll keep their secret?


Original Version

Dear Evil Agent:

I am currently seeking representation for my 80,000 word YA supernatural thriller, The Downwinders' Secret. The minute Charlie Pierce turns sixteen, strange things begin to happen. [How strange?] Really strange. [Such as?] A grueling run that normally takes her ten minutes only takes her two. [That's what happened to the Flash. Except there was a perfectly logical reason the Flash gained the ability to run impossibly fast. Turning sixteen doesn't do it for me.] She pulls an unconscious boy out of the local reservoir and revives him only to find out he drowned there over a hundred years ago. [At last his parents can get closure.] A Basque Goddess no one even remembers anymore shows up to warn her that the children of her town are in grave danger. [How does that go?

Charlie: What the--? Who are you?

Goddess: I'm a Basque Goddess.

Charlie: Which Basque Goddess?

Goddess: One of the more obscure ones. You wouldn't remember me. I came to tell you the children of your town are in grave danger. 

Charlie: As it happens, I'm one of the children of this town. Luckily I recently developed the ability to run a marathon in five minutes. See ya.]

And the man she's thought was her father her whole life commits suicide and tells her [--in his suicide note--that] she's part of some freaky government experiment – in a note. [Does Charlie have the power to bring the dead back to life? If not, does she have any power besides fleeing really fast?]

Above ground nuclear testing was a real threat to the lives of and well being of those living in Utah, Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico in the '40s and '50s. The wind blew radioactive fallout for hundreds of miles. Those unlucky enough to be in its path were called “Downwinders”. The government first denied conducting tests, then denied the possibility that the tests could be causing health problems, for decades. After years of court battles, they finally were forced to take responsibility. [What's going on? You need to focus on Charlie.] In Williams, Arizona, the setting for this story, there are still flyers in the local clinic offering free testing and medical care for Downwinder families.

It turns out that at [the] same time the nuclear testing was going on a renegade scientist stole genetic material he obtained from the investigation at Roswell New Mexico and used it to experiment on a bunch of hapless privates at the local army base. Charlie's great-grandfather, among others. It made him immune to the effects of the nuclear testing, [The whole second paragraph was an info-dump about the nuclear testing, and now you tell us the great grandfather was immune? Skip the fallout and jump to the aliens.] and also gave him some interesting abilities. Which he passed down. Turns out, there were five other local young men who were also experimented on. They formed a secret society. The Downwinders. It's been under Charlie's nose all along, just waiting for her to see. [Odd that they would call themselves the Downwinders when, of the thousands of actual downwinders, these six are the ones who were immune to the effects of being downwind.]

Now it's up to Charlie, her friends, a hundred year old ghost, and their great grandparents to defeat a secret military installation, a heartless doctor and figure out their own powers in time to save the town's children. All without letting anyone know they're part alien, of course.

Thanks for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript at your request.


Notes

I expect some backstory in a query, but I expect it to be backstory about the main character, not her great grandfather.

You suggest that the man Charlie thought was her father wasn't really her father. Where's her father? If you're gonna pass "abilities" on to your daughter, you might at least stick around to help her learn to control them. If he's dead, why isn't Charlie in the care of her mother or her grandparents or her great grandparents or a foster family instead of this imposter?

Who is this guy who's been posing as Charlie's father all these years? Seems like after volunteering to raise the real father's kid, he could wait till she's gone off to college before killing himself. Or at least inform Charlie's living relatives that he's checking out.

It seems kind of odd that you put so much effort into providing a scientific basis for Charlie's powers in a world that includes ghosts and goddesses. Does this goddess do anything besides warn Charlie about the grave danger? Does she elaborate on what the danger is? Why can't the goddess save the children? Do we really need a long-forgotten Basque Goddess in this story?

You waste two paragraphs explaining how Charlie got her powers. You could have told us in the first sentence: Thanks to a government experiment involving alien genetic material, Charlie Pierce's great grandfather developed interesting powers, powers which have now been passed down to Charlie. That leaves plenty of room to tell us what Charlie's powers are, what's threatening the children, why Charlie and company need to take down this modern-day secret military installation, how they plan to do this, what happens if they fail...

Strange that I'm willing to buy the idea that having alien genetic material passed on to you can give you amazing powers, but not that those powers would remain dormant sixteen years and then appear on your birthday.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Of the Dark

1. Dark Meat goes on a road tour that blows through Ogden and changes it forever when the members of the band answer a desperate call for sperm donors. The bank is replenished but ten years down the road the next generation of Ogdenians turn out to be mutant classical cellists.

2. Mike has always had a fear of the dark. A new therapy- one night spent in total darkness with a counselor- looks promising, mainly because the counselor is smoking hot. Then the woman is mysteriously murdered during the night, and Mike suddenly has a real reason to be afraid . . . Of the Dark.

3. Country lass Adastea has a tough decision: should she marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, and help him destroy the Gods of the Light? Or should she decline his proposal and risk never getting married? Spoiler alert. Wedding bells are gonna chime.

4. Lumia is a Spirit of the Light, representing all that is good and pure. It is her duty to protect the world of Alagera from evil, not an easy job, especially when she winds up between the sheets with Domar, a Spirit of the Dark. Can she overcome her attraction and fulfill her destiny to destroy Domar and his kind?

5. Vampires! They don't turn into bats, sparkle or have fangs, and they do have reflections, but they will drink your blood! Oh, hang on, they're just highly organized, deranged serial killers! And they're after the protagonists, who are smoking hot and scantily clad!

6. It was the worst blind date ever. After the hurricane blew the roof off Bud's Cafe, they took off running. It was too dark to see the bridge to the mainland was gone and the water was full of vampires. WTF? Talk about a bad swim! Plus, zombie alligators and a boatload of haunted pirates in pursuit of fabled diamonds.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Country lass Adrastea has received a proposal of marriage from Mor-Lath, God of the Dark. That is not the sort of news she wishes to share with the whole village ere they condemn her as a witch. [If I'm engaged to Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, villagers condemn me as a witch at their own peril.] [Also, I'd go with "lest" rather than "ere" there.] Those few she’s confided in­--her family and the village priestess­--advise her to turn down his proposal. [If you need to consult other people about whether to marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, you are beyond salvation.]

But he won’t take no for an answer and steadily increases the pressure for her to accept. Only in the end does she agree in order to save her village from destruction. [Threatening to destroy your beloved's village almost always gets an engagement off to a rocky start.]

For all his godly wisdom and millennia of life-experience, the one thing Mor-Lath does not know is how to be a good husband. [If you marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark expecting him to do his share of the housework and watch The Bachelor instead of Monday Night Football, you deserve what you get.] Their marriage starts to fail from day one: infidelity, secrets and abandonment. [If you can't get through one day of your marriage without being unfaithful and abandoning your spouse, you, too, are beyond salvation. Although I suppose if your name is Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, that goes without saying.]

Adrastea [Now that they're married, shouldn't that be Adrastea-Lath?] learns from the Gods of the Light the true reason behind Mor-Lath’s desire to marry; he is only a demigod. [So he was actually Mor-Lath, Demigod of the Dark.] [Every guy has a few secrets he keeps from his wife, but failing to reveal that you're only a demigod is sure to come back to haunt you.] Only together--male and female--can they become full gods, thus making him strong enough to defeat the Light in the final battle. [But they're already married. How much more together can they get?] [I find it hard to believe one God of the Dark can defeat all the Gods of the Light just because he married a country lass.]

Armed with this knowledge and power, she is faced with a dilemma: does she side with the God of the Dark or does she choose to defeat her husband even though it could mean her own destruction? [Good or evil. That's always a dilemma.]

“Of The Dark” is a fantasy trilogy of three books, “Troth of the Dark,” “Bride of the Dark” and “House of the Dark”, each novel being 120,000 words. [Amazing coincidence.] [Based on these titles, they get married in book 2? 120,000 words of her deciding whether to marry Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, followed by 120,000 words of her being married to Mor-Lath, God of the Dark, followed by 120,000 words of fighting over who gets to keep the house?] The manuscripts are complete and ready to send to you should you wish to see more.

I’m a published writer of moderate repute. I’ve has [had] several short stories published in Somewhat Famous SF magazine and Kinda Famous magazine and have a career in freelance nonfiction.

Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to your reply.

Regards,


Notes

I get the impression you're querying for the entire trilogy. This doesn't allow you to say much about any one part of it. No one's likely to ask you to send them a 360,000-word trilogy, so query the first novel, and tell them it's book 1 of a trilogy. Then you can work in more of the book 1 plot.

Selected Comments

eth said...Surely there has to be more to book one than whether or not she says "yes."


arhooley said...Mor-Lath, God of the Dark? Note to writers of fantasy: Beware unintentional parody.

Anonymous said...The big suspense here is all about whether she'll marry him or not, and then she does. But the book doesn't end there, it goes on for who knows how many hundred pages while we read about the details of their housekeeping routine or whatever, plus 2 more volumes of ??? The demigod / god thing seems like an afterthought and we don't know the difference, so it doesn't seem to matter much.


Joseph said...I couldn't decide if this query was insane because it was hilarious, or if it was hilarious because it was insane (whatever that means).


no-bull-steve said...Yeah it seems the inciting incident of this story is when she learns Darth-Mol or whatever isn't a full god, only a demi-god. This query also suffers from the non protagonizing protagonist--lots of stuff being done to her. Getting advice and "discovering secrets (unless it's a mystery)" aren't protagonistic.
The way this is presented it's highly unlikely to keep readers' attention spans for 360,000 words.


Xenith said...3 x 120,000 words with little obvious plot sounds like a slush reader's nightmare.

OTOH dealing with the day-to-day problems of being with a (demi)gof dark, against the background of an actual story, could be fun.


batgirl said...Don't know if this is fair to say, but I've read part of this (not sure which volume, probably the first) years ago on OWW.
There's a bunch more plot - local wars and a noble who wants to wipe out Adrastea's whole village, and she becomes indebted to Mor-Lath by asking his help to save her people - which would also get her outcast even if she saved them. Etc.

I wonder if the author was overwhelmed by the prospect of summarising the plot or picking the main threads out, and decided just to leave most of it out? I can understand the impulse.


BuffySquirrel said...It strikes me that there ought to be something special about Adrastea if marrying her puts Mor-Lath in a position to become a full god and lose his demi-. Otherwise, presumably, he could scour the villages until he finds a woman who doesn't need to be coerced. But we're never told what is so special about her. Maybe she knows exactly what's wrong with books she's never read!


150 said...Maybe she knows exactly what's wrong with books she's never read!

Hey, that's MY power! Where's MY demigod suitor, huh?


BuffySquirrel said...150 dear, I think EE is your demi-god suitor. Ahem.