Evil Editor's Blog, page 104

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Buried Secrets

1. Millions of years ago a falling comet created the crater now known as the Gulf of Mexico. Space dude Bud Winkerstein was on that comet, thanks to a software glitch that caused his space ship to crash into a level-5 time-space warp. At least that's his story when superspy Twinky Thompkins and her well-endowed sailors dredge him and his odd little submarine from the depths.
2. In a secluded corner of the old cemetery, best friends Julie, Kara, and Michelle write down all of their deepest secrets, drop them in a hole, and bury them, pledging never to reveal the location. When the friendship breaks up with a spectacular three-way fight, can any of the girls be trusted to leave those secrets underground?

3. The victim: a murdered archaeology student. The suspects: anyone who didn't want her literally digging up the past. The detectives: two guys who must bury their differences if they're to unearth a killer.
4. When a freak mudslide buries four ritzy homes in Santa Barbara, detective Dan Ruiz is surprised that the homeowners don't want anyone digging around their wreckage. But dig Dan does, unearthing not only a web of infidelity, strange religious rites, and money laundering, but also a child's skeleton.
5. When Josh's mum wants to know what he's burying in the backyard, he tells her it's a time capsule for a school project. Twenty years on, the new owners dig it up during a redevelopment project, and are shocked at what they find inside: a severed left buttock, preserved in formaldehyde.

6. When Nick Sprink gives colleague Donna Ergig the scandalous Neanderthal handshake, she suddenly realizes where he got that sexy supra-orbital torus and those big hairy knuckles. He, too, is a Survivor. After 35,000 years, she has finally found another member of her tribe. But is it too late to start a family? And what's that big-headed French guy doing with the hand ax?

Original Version

Dear Mr Editor

Please find enclosed a synopsis and first three chapters of my debut novel, Buried Secrets. It is a murder mystery of around 95,300 words set in South Africa and would appeal to readers of commercial crime fiction. [No need to explain to whom a murder mystery would appeal.] The completed manuscript is available on request.

Frieda Henning, an archaeology student, was brutally tortured before she was killed. A pentagram carved into her chest points to a ritual murder, but the scene looks artificially posed. [Wasn't this the plot of a Criminal Minds?]

[Detective 1: Looks like a ritual murder.

Detective 2: Agreed. So it must not be.

Detective 1: I don't follow.

Detective 2: Look again. It's artificial.]

Detectives Andrew Phillips and Lindiwe Makona are newly partnered. Even-tempered Andrew initially finds Lindiwe’s short temper and racial sensitivities hard to deal with, but they must bury their differences to solve a case that becomes increasingly complex.
[Phillips: Looks like a ritual killing.
Makona: What the hell makes you say that, Whitey?
Phillips: Pentagram carved into her chest.
Makona: That's it? Christ, you're friggin dense, even for a Caucasian.
Phillips: Also, her body was nailed to an upside-down cross, her blood was drained and used to paint the number 666 on the wall, and the head of a goat was hanging from her neck.
Makona: Who you callin' nappy-headed?]
The victim’s ex-boyfriend, Shawn Ryder is missing. When he is finally found he is in a coma from a severe beating and he was tortured in the same way as Frieda. Why would the killer murder and then carefully pose the young woman but leave her boyfriend alive? [I thought he was her ex-boyfriend. Obviously he was in on the plot but things got out of hand.]
The victim’s brother, Frans Henning, and his militant right-wing friends quickly become suspects as Frans was incensed that his sister had a non-white boyfriend. Also on the suspect list is a local Satanist. [I'll bet Satanists get sick and tired of being placed on the suspect list every time a corpse is found that just happens to have a pentagram carved into its chest.] Then a close friend of the victim disappears. [That sentence doesn't belong in your "suspects" paragraph.]

One by one the suspects are cleared of Frieda’s murder. [That one does.] When the missing girl is found hiding with a friend, the truth finally emerges from South Africa’s Apartheid past. [What do you mean, it "emerges"?] A time when security forces killed with impunity and believed their secrets would stay buried forever. [Idiots. They should have burned the records of their crimes instead of burying them in an archaeological dig.]

I am a South African, currently living and working in the UK. My career is in marketing and I have extensive experience writing marketing and communications materials, which has taught me to rewrite, edit and accept criticism. I am also used to working to deadline. This is my first completed novel. I am planning to write a follow-up featuring the same detectives.

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,
[I am enclosing a full synopsis with the letter. I have tried to make this different to the synopsis, but I still worry that it is repetitious. Is it still a good idea to cover as much of the story as possible in the letter?]

Notes
To answer your question, this is about the right amount of plot to put in the letter. A bit less would also be okay. Presumably your synopsis goes into more detail. If it doesn't, you don't need to include it. Your letter should convince me I want to read your book. Your chapters should convince me you write well. Your synopsis is where I look to see what truth emerges, when you failed to include that in the letter.I assume the killer is someone who's been in the book, and not someone who turns up only after the murder is connected to Apartheid. Mystery readers like to guess who the villain is, which is harder if he makes his first appearance at the denouement.

Selected Comments

blogless_troll said...I'm all for fooling people with false confidence, but "debut novel" sounds pretentious. I like the rest, but you should probably drop the sentence about the Satanist, or at least don't call him the "local Satanist." Makes him sound like a shop owner.

functioning fruitcake said...This is a good effort which has all the elements in place. The only true problem is the glossed-over resolution sentences about Apartheid past and buried secrets - I'd suggest giving more of a clue what you mean at this point rather than being vague.
A few suggestions on how to tweak it. The main thing I'd do if it was mine would be to shift a couple of things around: I'd move the introduction of the detectives down so that it came just before "The victim's brother..." . Or alternatively, I'd open with it. Currently it seems out of place.

Other suggestions: move up the mention of the missing friend as it's not foregrounded enough given that her disappearance and subsequent reemergence is pivotal to the plot (at least, so I understand it to be). And perhaps delete completely 'One by one the suspects are cleared of Frieda's murder'. And delete mention of the Satanist - it jars.


csinman said...I'm surprised I'm the first person to mention this, but I think the author is confusing "devil-worshippers" with "Satanism." Satanists are very unlikely to carve pentagrams on anyone's chest, as they are usually fat, goth gamers, much too busy playing Blood Rayne to bother with ritual sacrifice.


Secret Scribe said...Thank you Evil Editor, and all those who have commented - your ideas and comments have been noted and I am doing some serious rewriting.


Anonymous said...Am I the only person who thinks that referring to Makona's "racial sensitivities" makes her sound like a freaking fruitcake (as demonstrated by E.E.'s hilarious dialogue) which seems inappropriate in a novel where the killing was racially motivated?

Also, "incensed that his sister had a non-white boyfriend"? You mean...a black boyfriend? Or a purple one? Or what? I think you'd be better served by "black" or "person of color."


Author said...I am seeking representation for BURIED SECRETS, a police procedural murder mystery of 96,000 words. Set against the unusual backdrop of contemporary South Africa, it will appeal to lovers of mysteries everywhere, much the same way that Donna Leon’s novels have a broad following in this genre.

A well-liked and religious archaeology student was brutally tortured before she was murdered. The scene is staged in a way that points to a ritual murder but the contrived set-up does not convince newly partnered detectives Andrew Phillips and Lindiwe Makona.

For one thing, the victim’s ex-boyfriend is missing. When he is finally found he is in a coma from a severe beating and he was tortured in the same way as the victim. Why would the killer murder and then carefully pose the girl but leave the young man alive? The detectives quickly identify the victim’s militant right wing brother as a suspect and the ritualistic aspects of the crime lead them to a practising Satanist living in the area. A close friend of the victim disappears and Andrew and Lindiwe don’t know if they looking for another body or if there is still time to save her. Then the ex-boyfriend is attacked in hospital. Andrew is determined to solve the crime and thereby ensure the youngsters’ safety, but the suspects they have are cleared of the murder one by one, and they don’t have any new leads.

They finally track down the missing girl - hiding at a friend’s place. She fills in the details of a crime linked to South Africa’s Apartheid past and a killer who believed his secrets would stay buried forever. The killer kidnaps the girl from right under their noses and Andrew comes face to face with the killer in a final confrontation.

I am a South African, currently living and working in the UK. The novel is set west of Johannesburg, around the area where I grew up. My career is in marketing and I have extensive experience writing marketing and communications materials, which has taught me to rewrite, edit, accept criticism and work to deadline. I am working on my next novel.

I have included a synopsis, the first three chapters and an SASE for your reply (the pages need not be returned).

Thank you for your consideration.


Dave said...Good job. This is much, much better. It's not quite there yet. But it's much improved.
I dislike the first paragraph. But it's your query.
I think that this:

When the body of a well-liked and religious archaeology student turns up ritually tortured to death, newly partnered detectives Andrew Phillips and Lindiwe Makona suspect the victim's ex-boyfriend, but the victim's militant right-wing brother leads the detectives to a practicing Satanist, a red herring. When the ex-boyfriend is attacked a second time and the victim's best friend is discovered incommunicado, fearing for her life, she tells of a murder linked to South Africa's Apartheid past and a killer who thought his secrets would be hidden forever. Andrew and Lindiwe must confront their troubled pasts and a killer's desire to send past crimes to the grave in order to save the young girl.

is the sum of your second paragraph. The mention of the militant right-wing brother does not connect to the story as this is written. His involvement seems forced. You need to fix that.

Also you need to pump it up just a little. This is like advertising copy, make it happy, beaming and smiley-faced.

And your third paragraph is OK.


writtenwyrdd said...This is much better, but I also dislike the first paragraph comparison. I'd leave that out.

Another problem I have is with the description of a Satanist as a killer. You are aware that this is largely a prejudice and Satanists per se aren't generally criminals? Crazy people who hear Satan in their heads aren't satanists... And if you are talking about a religious element of the indigenous people, Satanism is the absolutely wrong way to describe it.

Just saying. Because your mention of religious victim and satanist suspect make you sound like a wing nut religious zealot...which might affect the reception of your letter.


The Author said...Thank you both. I am really struggling with this thing. Problem about the Satanist thing, it is in the book. They talk to someone from the Occult Unit and he sends them to a guy he has been watching, who is a practicing Satanist. Do you think this is going to be a problem in the book? It turns out that he had nothing to do with the murder, but is a bad guy (not because of his beliefs).


Evil Editor said...There's an Occult Unit? I suggest that instead of sending them to a practicing Satanist, he sends them to Satan. Who had nothing to do with this murder, but they pick him up anyway because of an outstanding warrant. 

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

A Certain Kind of Girl

1. She loves kittens and walks on the beach. She dances in the rain. She has been known to sleep on the muddy ground behind the freak show tent at a carnival, just so she can watch the sun rise from a Ferris wheel. She's wanted on four counts of arson. She consumes a live ferret at every meal. You know the type.

2. She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man . . . unless you mess with her golf clubs. Then, she'll crack your head open with said frying pan.

3. She's manipulative, clingy, and jealous of anyone who even looks at her guy. Everyone can see that she's an insane psycho. Oh, and she's killed hundreds of men over the years, but that's not as bad as it sounds, since she's immortal.

4. She's the kind of girl who would stick a huge bag of heroin in your underwear drawer and call the sheriff to tell him you're a drug dealer. When you're arrested, she means to call and let the sheriff know it was a practical joke, but somehow she never gets around to it.

5. She's sexy and she knows it and she's the kind of girl who wouldn't be caught dead at a football game but who will happily move in on the quarterback just to annoy her roommate who has a crush on him. Also, she's sleeping her way through law school.

6. She's tall and tan and young and lovely and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ah." Also, when she walks she's like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle, and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ooh."


Original Version

Meg Carter sees her first fairy when she's twelve. [Insert joke here.] By the time she gets to college, the supernatural doesn't seem that important anymore. Sure, she talks to dryads and bribes gremlins so they don't steal her date's keys, but there are other things to think about, like friends, [boys,] classes, [boys,] and the horrible girls her brother Fred brings home on vacation. The hidden world just isn't that big a deal. [Also, you tend not to encounter as many fairies and gremlins when you're in college as you did when you were a kid.]

Except that now there's a weird parasite out in the woods. It's magical, it's scary, and it eats people. Meg knows, because a dryad warns her— [I Googled "dryad," and I gotta say, the image results are interesting. Apparently there are a few bad dryads, but three fourths of them are the kind of dryads you want to fantasize about for hours. Or at least five to ten minutes.] but dryads don't talk anything like humans do. [Not sure what the point is there.] Meg and her friends aren't even sure what this thing looks like. As they try and fail to track it down, [No matter what kind of dryad it is, if it tells me there's a magical parasite that eats people in the woods, I'm gonna find an excuse to stay out of the woods. Why is Meg trying to track it down?] Fred gets involved with his worst girlfriend yet. [This makes it  sound like there's a connection between tracking it down and Fred's new girlfriend. Move Fred to the next paragraph and use this space to explain why Meg and friends are tracking down a parasite that eats people.]

Eva's manipulative, clingy, and jealous of anything [Are you sure you're not talking about Eva Longoria?] that takes Fred's attention off of her. Everyone can see that she's a psycho—except for Fred. But Meg doesn't have a lot of luck convincing him of that. [No guy likes to be told his girlfriend is a parasitic, manipulative psycho.] Besides, he's always had bad taste in women, and he's always gotten over it. [If you get over something, you don't have it anymore.] Meg figures Eva will go away eventually. She certainly doesn't connect her to the parasite in the woods.

Then Fred disappears.

When Meg goes to look for him, she discovers Eva's real nature: immortal, insane, and extremely powerful. [How do you discover that someone is immortal?] Like mortal men have done for hundreds of years, Fred's gone to her world. Like them, he'll die there, horribly, when Eva finds a reason to doubt his love. And she always finds a reason.

A Certain Kind of Girl is a 93,000 word urban fantasy novel. Much of it takes place at Brown University, which I attended for four years [(Two as a freshman, two as a sophomore)]. [I'm not clear on the setting. Fred brings home horrible girls on vacation. Including Eva? Where is home? Are the woods at home or at Brown? Do Meg and Fred both attend Brown?] I currently work as an editor at O'Reilly Media. [Can you get me on The O'Reilly Factor? I have a few things I need to say to that guy.] "Higher Education," a short story which involves some of the characters from A Certain Kind of Girl, will be published October 1st, 2007 in Spacesuits and Sixguns.


Notes

Is there anything supernatural about Meg? Does everyone have the ability to see fairies and gremlins?

Parasites are better off keeping their hosts alive, not eating them. Sharks and zombies eat people. Which leads me to ask if people are the parasite's host.

You make it sound like Fred is doomed. Does Meg make an attempt to rescue him?

As they try and fail to track it down would be better stated As they try to track it down--and fail--.

I think I'd leave the parasite out of the query. Drop the second paragraph and start the third one: When Fred gets involved with his worst girlfriend yet, manipulative, clingy Eva, who's jealous of . . . This would leave more room to tell us what Meg does when Fred disappears.


Selected Comments

writtenwyrdd said...The letter has a lot of extraneous bits to it, but overall I liked the idea of your story. I liked the beginning and thought it was a good hook despite its ability to also work as a straight line, lol.

One thing that confused me is that you use friends twice with apparently two different meanings. Friends, you say, are more important than fairies. Then you tell us that Meg and her friends try to discover what the magical parasite is. Seems like the fairy friends are in the second bit.

And perhaps consider why you call the mysterious thing in the woods a parasite when it is a human seeming predator.

Keep honing this one, I bet you can sell it.


pacatrue said...I like the idea very much as well. I'd want to get the first chapter to check the writing. Cool.

I was trying to come up with actresses to play Meg and Eva, but everyone I thought of played college students fifteen years ago, not today. I don't think Molly Ringwald can still pull this off.


freddie said...Cool idea! Your query is well-written. Focuses a little too much on "discovery" rather than the story.

It seems to me you should cover more ground in the query about how Meg manages to free her brother (assuming she does). You could cover how Meg learns Eva's nature in one paragraph, then get to the real meat of the story: Meg's search for Fred. Also, you only hint (albeit strongly) that Eva is the parasite. In the query, I would just go ahead and spell that out. (Don't make an agent do any extra work than s/he has to.) "When Meg learns Eva is the parasite, she finds herself in a race against time to find and free the only brother she will ever know . . . " Something like that. (I know, my example is total cliche, but you get the idea.)


Dave said...I think that you are looking in the wrong place for the query letter. I don't think that the hook is Meg's ability to see fairies, gremlins and dryads - a magic world. It's her search for her brother - how she finds him and how she saves him.

Gremlins stealing her date's keys is cute, but it's not a novel. Sister saves brother from death is a novel because it can discuss love, family and courage. That's where the query should focus.


Ello said...OOOOOOH! I really liked this query! I would absolutely buy this book to read. I definitely agree with the others that you can edit this much tighter. It definitely is longer than you need it to be. I don't have any other comments other than, WOW!, this sounds like my type of awesome story!


Anonymous said...How do you discover that someone is immortal?

You wait.


phoenix said...I'll start off by saying I like the premise in this query. But I also happened to have read your synopsis on the Crapometer, and I think while this story shows promise, the synopsis has the story -- right after where this query leaves off -- devolving into finding magic swords and a pretty stock ending. I think if you can envision a more original ending, you'll have a better chance at snagging an agent. IMO.

As for the query, Meg Carter sees her first fairy when she's twelve is maybe not the best hook for this book. It sets the reader up for two false assumptions: the story is about a 12-year-old (the sentence is in present tense) and that it will be about fairies.

You don't elaborate on that first sentence, so the supernatural doesn't seem that important anymore makes me wonder if it ever seemed important.

I also questioned the term "parasite." Not sure how Eva fits that definition. The query needs some motivation for Meg going after the parasite. If a lot of people are disappearing around a college campus, someone's gonna notice and call in the uniforms. A dryad's "warning" makes it sound like the dryad is warning Meg away from the woods, not into them. No need to go into the detail of the dryad not talking like humans. Meg figures it out so it doesn't matter in the query.

You can cut a bit from this query by tightening up the pretty heavy-handed 3rd 'graph. Also, the way the last sentence in the 2nd 'graph is written, it's telegraphing the last sentence of the 3rd 'graph, so you certainly don't need 5 sentences to get the reader to the point they've already figured out. A couple of sentences to get across Eva's personality ought to do.

Then Fred disappears. This is great. Even though we expect the event, the single short sentence is terrific pacing in this letter.

OK, you don't HAVE to give away the ending in a query. But some indication of what happens next would not be remiss.


Bernita said...Phoenix makes some *very* good points. And you should watch constructions such as "off of her."


jerseygirl said...I, too, saw this over at the Crapometer, and I actually like this shorter version a bit more (of course it's a synopsis on the Crapometer, which is always longer than a query).

I wonder about the opening sentence, as you don't talk about fairies after that: maybe you should drop that first line. In fact, you might consider dropping the first paragraph and reworking the second paragraph as your first. The second paragraph is where the action is (EE also has a point in starting the query with the third paragraph).

I like the premise, but I feel this needs to be tightened.

Good luck with it. :-)

Stick it to a Billionaire

I just Googled editing services and found that 5 cents a word seems to be a good price for editing these days. For a 70,000-word book, that works out to $3500. And if you want to deduct all of that as a business expense, your writing has to bring in at least $3500. And for all you know, your book is being edited by some guy in India who's telling people in Wyoming how to get their cable TV working while he's editing your book.

Contrast that with bidding on Evil Editor to edit your book in the next few weeks. For starters, you can deduct EE as a charitable contribution rather than a business expense, so you don't have to have any writing income. And you get edited by the world's most famous editor, not some ESL-heroin-addict-scam-artist in Ivory Coast.

Even if you don't have a completed book, you should be bidding on this just to keep some billionaire for whom $3500 is pocket change from getting a bargain. You know that no matter how high you go he'll outbid you, but for one brief moment you'll be a thorn in his side. It's human nature not to want billionaires to get great deals. This is your chance to stick it to one.


* Evil Editor not responsible for expenses incurred by people trying to stick it to a billionaire but accidentally winning auction.

Success Story

IMHO reports that the short story attached to New Beginning #975 has been accepted for publication by ANALOG magazine. "The evil minions’ comments helped me focus the beginning -- much appreciated. Thanks for all the evil work you do!"

Auction Underway

The Brenda Novak Auction is underway. It's vital that we convince other people that Evil Editor's items up for bid are the items to have by bidding early and often. Once the cost gets up in the hundreds, even people who've never heard of EE will enter the bidding. A bidding frenzy will develop which will ensure that you get priced out of the auction you can't afford to win, and that someone else ends up contributing big money to diabetes research.

Your job is simple. Go to the site, register, use the search feature to find Evil Editor, and bid on EE's items, forcing the people who actually want EE to bid higher.

You can afford to bid up to $500.00 for the two complete book edits without worrying that no one will outbid you and that you'll be out $500.00. In fact, if the highest bid on the complete book edits is $500 or less and the auction is about to end, I will bid $501 just to get out of editing your book.

What we want by the end of day 1 is something like this:


 Your Book (up to 100,000 words) Edited by EVIL EDITORItem: 2922897$39,000                            






Here are links to EE's items. Note that you can't bid on the one-day auction (the top one) until tomorrow.

Your Novel, EDITED by Evil Editor BEFORE THE END OF THE AUCTION!
Item: 3326040



Your Book (up to 100,000 words) Edited by EVIL EDITOR
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Signed Trade Paperbacks of NOVEL DEVIATIONS Volumes 1-3 by Evil Editor
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Face-Lift 1200!!

Guess the Plot

Equilibrium

1. Finding out your second grade teacher was secretly a porn star in unsettling, but nothing compared to learning that her buff stallion was your own father. Dom Scorlini's first taste of Internet mischief results in a serious upset in his family's equilibrium.

2. When workaholic pediatrician Dave Marzotti falls in love with Katie, the mother of one of his patients, she brings a new balance to his life. But then Katie and her daughter are kidnapped, and Dave must rescue them, for their DNA holds the key to the fate of the entire human race.

3. In the competitive world of international equine high-wire performance art, Jamie Lancaster thinks he has the next grand champion in Dapples, a feisty little horse he rescued from a pony ride concession. But when vertigo strikes, can Jamie and Dapples recover their . . . equilibrium?

4. Klutzy fashion model Crash Bang can't stay on her feet long enough to complete a runway walk. She's sure her career is over until a quirky, new designer announces a line of "walker" dresses for drunk celebutantes. But can she make it through the go-see without toppling over?

5. Single Mom Shauna-Lee was happy for any sort of work, even scrubbing floors in the strange laboratory deep in the Arizona desert. Flirting with the cute scientist makes her day bearable. But when her kids are kidnapped, the only way she will see them alive again is to steal details of Project Equilibrium.

6. When psychic Malora tried to fight off the wizard's advances, she not only lost, she got turned into a statue as punishment. Now she's the Justice figure in a family courtroom. By day she listens to the cases. At night, she uses her still-formidable powers to manipulate the papers so the right party wins.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Pediatrician Dave Marzotti is content with life as a workaholic until he falls in love with Katie, the mother of one of his patients. Their whirlwind romance is cut short when Katie and her daughter are kidnapped.

Dave must risk everything - his medical practice, his relationship with Katie, even his own life - to rescue them. [Why does he have to rescue them? How does he know where they are? Do the authorities know about the kidnapping? Usually kidnappers contact a family member, not the family's pediatrician. If I tried to contact a pediatrician to announce I'd kidnapped one of his patients, I'd get the person who answers the office phone, who would tell me Dave was with a patient and I'd be forced to leave an incriminating or extremely vague message.] For it quickly becomes clear that their lives are not the only ones at stake. Their DNA holds the key to the fate of the entire human race. [How does this quickly become clear to Dave?] [More importantly, WTF? You can't just toss that out and expect us to buy it. What does "key to the fate" mean? Key to our survival? If the villains know about the DNA, wouldn't the good guys also know? Wouldn't they have Katie and her daughter in protective custody in a fortress on a mountain surrounded by a shark-filled moat?]

EQUILIBRIUM is a commercial novel, complete at 65,000 words.

I am a member of the [XYZ] association. My blog is available at [URL].

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Have the kidnappers contacted Dave? If they've got the fate of the human race in their hands, they have enough leverage to be contacting governments or billionaires. What they can get from Dave is chicken feed. If they haven't contacted Dave, what's preventing Dave from calling in someone who's better than he is at rescuing people?

If they haven't contacted Dave, have they contacted the press or anyone to make their intentions known? If so, what do they want? Money? Are they threatening to destroy the human race? We need to know if Katie was kidnapped for ransom or if some evil overlord kidnapped her to destroy humanity. Either way, we need to know what's so special about this DNA and we need to know: Why Dave? If the fate of the human race hangs in the balance, I want James Bond or Ethan Hunt on it, not some schmuck named Dave.

How many people are aware that Katie and her daughter hold the key to the fate of the entire human race? Do the kidnappers know, or did they just get lucky? Do governments know?

As you see, the plot sounds incredible, and not in a good way. Fortunately, your query is so short that you have plenty of room to fill in the holes so we don't find ourselves asking all these questions.
 

New Beginning 1028

It’s generally not a good idea to hide from someone by crouching at the bottom of the pool. Firstly, in case you hadn’t noticed, water is usually transparent and doesn’t provide much cover from prying eyes. Secondly, you can’t really stay there for very long. Not unless you were okay with turning blue. But I guess then you’d camouflage nicely with the colour of the pool and it might actually be a great place to hide.

But today it worked. I slid into the far corner of the pool and huddled on the gritty concrete floor and Mum dashed right past me before I got even close to turning blue. Once I was sure she hadn’t just pretended to not see me, I kicked-off and stuck my head out. She’d dashed out the back gate and was looking around wildly and hollering "Ben - Ben!". Probably to see that I hadn’t done what I had promised and crossed my heart I’d never do. Like hop into the pasture with those unbroken horses Dad brought over last night. Wild things, she said. Stupid idea to get within a mile of ‘em.

At least her panicking like that gave me a chance. I could sneak back into the house, dry off and get some clothes on. If I did it fast enough she’d never see where the huge stallion had took a huge chunk out of my back. It was stinging real bad from the pool water too, but I had to suck that up. Who’d have thought an animal that only ate rabbit food could get so mad so quickly?

Actually, now I think about it, Michael Phelps probably would have. They say he's a dab hand at figuring out conundrums when he's not swimming or spelling out his surname over the phone.

Yeah, he'd say, "I'm 100% behind the concept of rabbit food producing madness. If I was forced to eat rabbit food 24/7 I'd go crazy. If I chose to eat it myself I'd already BE crazy, so the conundrum here would be figuring out how rabbit food could make a crazy person even crazier, and I guess it would depend on whether there's a max-out ceiling for craziness beyond which no amount of rabbit food (or pet boosting stimulant of any kind) could ever have any effect."

But that's just supposition I suppose. My stallion wound is not. And turning blue isn't such great camouflage now that the water's turning red.


Opening: Jo Antareau.....Continuation: Whirlochre

New Beginning 1027

Marcia Weston, thirteen years old and wearing a damp purple bikini, mixed martinis on top of her parents’ stereo cabinet.

“Isn’t she something?” Mr. Weston said. “Sophisticated, eh?”

“Yes, sir,” I said automatically. I had never seen a bottle of hard liquor before, much less anyone my age mixing drinks. Mr. Weston put his hands on my shoulders and steered me to Marcia's side. “You two girls go play now.” He picked up the tray of martinis and nudged open the sliding glass door to the patio.

Marcia looked me over, taking in my peter-pan collared shirt and corduroy play pants. “Where’d you move from?”

“Raleigh, North Carolina.”

“Oh my God, you sound like the Andy Griffith Show. No, Gomer Pyle. Here, Rah-lee, take this.” She handed me a shallow dish of green olives and grabbed two bottles of cola. “Come on.”

We retreated to a playhouse in the narrow side yard, shaded by a eucalyptus tree. “What’s with the ‘yes, sir'?” Marcia asked. "Is your dad in the military?" She placed olives on her fingers and waggled them. “Eat one. They're soaked in gin.”

In retrospect, it should have been obvious she was talking about the olives, not her parents, and a bit of  intuition on my part would have prevented the horrors that were to follow.


Opening: IMHO.....Continuation: Anonymous

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Anatali: Eternal

1. Anatali is bored with immortality. He spends every moment attempting suicide. Unexpectedly, the fruitless attempts awaken a creative spirit in Anatali who begins to pass the nights inventing new and interesting ways of self demise. He then publishes his book: 1,000,000 Ways to Off Yourself.

2. On the planet of Q'xtlm, emperor Rlpbzp forbids all vowels and terrifies with his army--until a warrior takes the name Anatali and incites revolution.

3. Lanrete Ilatana, an Anatali warrior from the Im地ken tribe, sets out to recover the Amethyst of Eternity from the Mountain of Death to defeat Lord Blackheart.

4. Aboard the S.S. Anatali, a week before Academy finals, an artificial life form runs a gauntlet of student riots, corrupt cops, and zombies, trying to keep her roommate from being expelled.

5. Geeky Baskin-Robbins scooper Bobby Hullet falls for the mysterious woman who makes daily visits for frozen treats. Will he melt her chilly heart? Or will the path to her love remain a rocky road?

6. Puzzle book author Eric Lynn can't spell. But his books of anagrams fly off the shelves because no one else can either . . . until his 4th grade teacher reappears in his life, determined to right a decades-old wrong.


Original Version

Dear //Agent//,

ANATALI : ETERNAL is a 100,000 word space opera, blending cyberpunk and paranormal though [through] an intimate voice. [Intimacy and cyberpunk: they go together like bacon and butterscotch.]

Dark Energy Theory, a cutting-edge science, fuels humanity's exodus from our solar system [The grass is always greener on the other side of the universe.] by harnessing the universe's most abundant--and dangerous--resource [: Styrofoam].

S.S. Anatali - January 27, 4128 - A week before Academy finals, Lillian, a prototype Artificial Lifeform, embarks on a midnight crusade to save her roommate from expulsion. [Why is her roommate being threatened with expulsion? Why would an Artificial Lifeform care whether her roommate was expelled? Why should we care? Is this Artificial Lifeform your main character? Artificial Lifeforms have to take finals? Do they ever fail? I mean, Data was an Artificial Lifeform, right? Even if he forgot to study, Data would never fail an exam. He'd be one of those annoying guys who finishes the whole exam and walks out while you're still on question 3.] When a hacker's security virus throws her dormitories into bedlam, Lillian and her friends run a gauntlet of student riots, corrupt cops, undead assailants, [Please use the scientific term: zombies.] online gaming, a love hexagon, and baking-- [Baking?] yes, baking. Center stage in a paranormal power play, [Hockey riddle: What do they call it when the New Jersey Devils are a man up? A paranormal power play!] the truth about Dark Energy Theory and her own mysterious design are about to collide. [The sentences in this paragraph need better connections to one another. Right now it sounds like a list of random stuff in the book. If you let ideas build on one another, we'll get a sense of story.]

I've included a brief sample, per your submission guidelines. At request I can send the entire manuscript or any part thereof. [I'll take the love hexagon part.] I use my website as a forum for short stories and new content, and as a device for building [artificial life forms and] an online community around my project. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

More information about the plot is needed. Is this book about dark energy or Lillian's roommate, or something you've barely touched on? Where is the Anatali? Where is it going?

As dark energy theory exists in 2006, it seems unlikely to be a cutting edge science in 4128. In fact, it seems unlikely to still be a theory. Setting this book more than 2000 years in the future means assuming that hackers and online gaming and cops and baking--yes, baking--will not be long-forgotten, just as chariots, gladiators, and sandals are today.


Selected Comments

Aarin said...Thanks for the write-up, EE! Never in the story do I ever drop the 'Z' word, so I figured why force 'zombies' into the query.


Evil Editor said...I, on the other hand, jump at any opportunity to force zombies into my blog.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

How to Kiss a Ghost

1. Step 1: Tilt your head to keep the scruff from tickling your chin. Step 2: No tongue unless you want to get kicked. Step 3: Lots and lots of breath mints. What? Oh, I thought you said "Goat".

2. First you have to die, no faking. Next you have to make sure you're on the same wavelength as your non-corporeal other. Ignore all the spectators. Are you sure you wouldn't rather just go for someone normal?

3. Find a really, really hot guy, and accidentally run over him. Then get a Ouija board and pucker up.

4. Elsie falls in love with a guy who exists in her mirror. Is he a ghost? Was he trapped there by a witch's spell? Would it look weird if someone saw her kissing the mirror?

5. Jack and Bertha run a B and B in Wyoming which is on the brink of collapse until they start running seminars on the secrets of 'love beyond the grave'. Hilarity ensues when spoil-sport Tammy Hillburg attends undercover as a 'widow' to make a documentary film exposing the fakery.

6. Being dead has its advantages for Greg, but sex with your lover isn't one--especially when she's still alive. So to help others overcome this obstacle, Greg and Sally sit down together to write their first self-help book.

7. When Claire Wincefield's husband died in a freak yachting accident on their honeymoon, her friends told her to put it behind her. But Claire is made of sterner stuff; now, with the help of unconventional psychic Cassiopeia Milestone, she's planning to put the romance back into necromancy.

8. Film star Ellen Lauder must appear to carry on an entire 'romance' with her CGI co-star, who will be supplied in post-production. Meanwhile no one is there. She finds this impossible until the ghost of Sidney Jackson appears. And then she gets fired for being 'too X-rated' -- but now the ghost won't leave!


Original Version

Dear Agent,

In my 60,000-word YA Paranormal romance, HOW TO KISS A GHOST, seventeen-year-old Elsie can see him, she can hear him, but she can't touch him or can she? [Put a dash or an ellipsis after "touch him."]

Elsie doesn’t remember being pushed into oncoming traffic by a drunk driver, getting broadsided by Aiden Prescott’s BMW, [Could you diagram that accident for me?] or even dying and returning to life with a gift for seeing ghosts. All she knows is her sister is dead and she should be dead too. [What makes her think she should be dead too, if she doesn't even remember the accident?] To escape the pain, Elsie attempts to overdose, [Elsie had nothing to do with her sister's death, right?] but a ghostly boy appears in the mirror as the bottle touches her lips, freaking her out at first, [When you look in a mirror and see someone else's face looking back, first confirm that the mirror isn't actually a window; then freak out.] [Especially if it is a window.] [Also, as she has a gift for seeing ghosts, I wonder why seeing this one freaks her out.] then giving her a reason to want to live again.

Aiden's the only person (or ghost) Elsie feels comfortable talking to – the only one who doesn’t force her to talk about that night. [Why do all other people and ghosts force her to talk about that night?] [What about her sister? Is she a ghost?] As their friendship starts to heat up, so does the mystery surrounding him. [Can she see Aiden anywhere except in the mirror? Because if I had a friend who existed in a mirror, I would feel pretty weird if the friendship started heating up. You definitely don't want anyone to see you making out with a mirror.] [Although it is pretty erotic.] [I'm told.] If his secret of who he really is, his sudden disappearance, and the absence of touch doesn’t disrupt their relationship, Mimi Jenkins will. [Who's Mimi Jenkins?] [Are good men so hard to find these days that women will fight over a guy who exists only in a mirror?]

In her search to find out why Mimi is so bent on hurting her, Elsie stumbles across an article about the accident. Not only does she discover Mimi's dad caused the wreck, but she also finds out Aiden may be alive. [Did he claim to be dead? Or did he say, "Help me! I'm alive, but I've been trapped in Mirror World ever since the automobile accident in which I was thrown into my rear-view mirror. Get me outta here!"] [I wouldn't mind living in Mirror World if I could appear in any mirror. Is Elsie's bathroom mirror the only mirror Aiden can appear in? Or can he appear in her rear-view mirror when she's driving her car? When Elsie looks in her mirror and sees Aiden, does she also see herself? If so, does Aiden talk to Elsie or to Elsie's image in the mirror? If not, is Elsie a vampire?] She now knows why he kept his identity a secret. His car was the last one to hit her; killing her sister. In order to find him she must first face off with a deranged Mimi – who doesn't care who hit who, or that her dad was a drunk, fact is, Elsie caused him not to come home – if she fails, Elsie will lose more than Aiden, she could potentially lose her life. [Could you diagram that sentence for me?] [She could lose her life if she fails at what? Finding Aiden? How does finding Aiden protect her from Mimi?]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

So Mimi's dad plows into Elsie's stopped car, knocking it into the path of Aiden's car. I'm thinking most of the force of the first accident would be absorbed by the cars, so that Elsie's car would not be moving very fast or very far into the intersection, and Aiden would have had time to swerve and brake . . . unless . . . Aiden had his eyes closed because he was in the middle of an allergy-related sneeze. Note how with a little applied logic I was able to explain the seemingly inexplicable.

It doesn't seem that someone who was about to commit suicide over the loss of her sister would so quickly get involved in a hot and heavy romance with her mirror.

How many of these cars had airbags?

It's not easy to buy Mimi blaming Elsie.

No one's named their kid Elsie since it became the name of a famous cow half a century ago. Change it to Elise.


Selected Comments

Steve Wright said...It's not awfully clear. By dint of much puzzling and innate cleverness, I think I've got the sequence of events straight in my mind - but it could usefully be laid out more straightforwardly in the query.

It's nice to have an antagonist, but how does this Mimi Jenkins person pose a threat to Elsie? Is she following her around with a chainsaw, or just trying to get her locked up as "that crazy girl who's always snogging mirrors"?.... Like EE says, it's a bit hard to swallow her blaming Elsie for her father's death, unless there are things you've not told us about the accident. (Come to think of it, is her father dead, or just in jail or something? All we know is he "didn't come home".)

Is Aiden dead or alive? If the latter, how is he haunting Elsie's mirrors?

I bet this whole novel could have been avoided if they'd all just worn their seat belts.


Mother (Re)produces. said...Seems to me that the catalyst (the accident) is pretty well described, but everything after that gets a little vague. I like the mirror thing, find it intriguing, but what *happens*?

I'd keep reading.


Joseph Lewis said...Definitely change to "Elise"

And there had better be a very good explanation for the supernatural elements if the "ghost" guy isn't really dead.


Phoenix said...I love the title!

As for the query, I think it needs a bit more dot connecting. I know you want to keep the mystery around Aiden, but you're doing it to the detriment of the story line.

Aiden is the boy in the mirror, so presumably dead. Yet the query says he may be alive still, and that Elsie could lose him. He's also disappeared, but you kind of throw that in quite casually. Again presumably, Mimi is behind the disappearance, but the reader (me) isn't sure if it's a ghost or real person who's disappeared. Is his image in the mirror some sort of astral projection?

Maybe try the query once more and lay things out a bit more concretely. For instance, what is Mimi doing that leads Elsie to know the girl is bent on hurting her? Since Elsie doesn't know that the guy in the mirror is Aiden -- the guy who hit her -- then explain what Elsie thinks about Aiden maybe being alive in that last paragraph. Does she want to kill him, forgive him, or does she suspect he and the guy in the mirror are the same guy?


Matthew said...Author, it looks like you've over pared the query, sacrificing clarity. Remember: each line in the query should lead to the next, making it exciting and easy to follow.

Try not to raise too many questions. Each time you make the reader think, "Huh?" you have to explain it or leave it out (like saying the ghost in the mirror might not be a ghost).


Anonymous said...I think you need to commit to the mirror guy being dead or not, at least for the purposes of the query.


Sarah from Hawthorne said...This starts off good but gets muddled towards the middle. First you say Elsie has a new gift for seeing ghosts, which made me think this was going to be about her dealing with the paranormal. Then actually it turns out she just sees one ghost in her bedroom mirror and he's more of a therapist than anything scary or threatening. Then it turns out Aiden isn't a ghost at all and the plot turns into a thriller about a missing guy and a psycho stalker.

So many changes in direction make it hard to get a sense of the story. But I do hope you post a revision because I really like the title and the concept.


150 said...Just yesterday I was wondering if ghosts were next on the "superpowered, immortal, unattainable" list of trendy romantic interests.

I have some trouble believing Elsie hadn't already seen all the coverage of the accident, and it's rarely best for a character to "stumble onto" anything--it just lays the author's machinations bare.

I'd like to see some voice and liveliness in the next version.

Good luck!


Khazar-khum said...Why do I suspect Elsie's the real ghost; not Aiden?

Oh, and 150--the ghost romances are already in print.


150 said...Khazar-khum -- Yeah, but they've yet to join the vampires-fey-angels level of notorious trendiness. Or maybe they peaked in the eighties....


vkw said...Are good men so hard to find these days that women will fight over a guy who exists only in a mirror?

Yes.


Rachel said...


batgirl said...Hey! Elsie was my mother's name. Okay, she was born in 1924, in England, and I've never met anyone else with that first name, but still--

Okay, my guess is that Aiden's in a coma and astral-projecting. I can sort of buy Mimi hating Elsie just for being alive when others are dead - hatred isn't the most rational emotion - but that maybe needs to be brought out more. Mimi seems like an afterthought here, 'oh yeah, I need an antagonist, don't I?' especially since her actions are undefined.

Sarah makes an excellent point. Is the book about Elsie dealing with her ability to see ghosts, or her relationship with one ghost?


Anonymous said...Hi, everyone. This is the author. First, I want to thank everyone for your comments. I really appreciate your feedback. Batgirl actually figured out what Aiden was. I have a new version of this query, but decided to leave out the entire accident scene and Mimi since they were confusing everyone. I decided to focus primarily on Aiden and Elsie since that's really what the story is about. Okay, enough with the rambling. Here's my new version of the query for HOW TO KISS A GHOST.

Dear Evil Editor:

In my 60,000-word YA Paranormal romance, HOW TO KISS A GHOST seventeen-year-old Elsie's dream of a perfect life is shattered when she survives an accident which kills her sister. The constant pressure from her counselor, her foster parents, and the alienation from her peers in school cause Elsie to resort to suicide in order to escape the pain. All she wants is to be left alone to die. The last thing she expects is the spirit of the boy who killed her sister to interrupt her plans, but, unknowingly to her, that's exactly what she needs.

Aiden is in a coma – his spirit is stuck in a metaphysical limbo in between life and death – after his BMW broadsides Elsie's car, killing her sister on impact. Unable to cross over or to return to his body, his essence is drawn to Elsie's tortured heart. Aiden's only intention is to help her, but he unexpectedly falls in love with her. Knowing that the truth of who he really is could potentially destroy their relationship, he keeps his involvement in the accident a secret.

Immersed by the warmth burning in their souls, Elsie and Aiden refuse to let the lack of touch come between the love they have for one another. But as the secrets surrounding the accident start to unfold, Aiden's spirit mysteriously disappears, and Elsie is left with more questions than answers. The only thing she knows to be true is that Aiden is alive, and neither of them are at fault for what happened to her sister. Destined to be together – divided by a force beyond their control – Elsie must find him, no matter what it takes.

I chose to submit my manuscript for your consideration after I read in your bio you have an interest in YA novels. So, I thought my novel, HOW TO KISS A GHOST might interest you. I am prepared to send the entire manuscript upon your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Anonymous said...This is the author again. On a quick note, everyone is probably wondering why I called my novel HOW TO KISS A GHOST when Aiden's not really a ghost. Well, that's because Elsie thinks Aiden is a ghost at first -- until she finds out otherwise further in the story -- and, well, she's wondering how she could possibly kiss a ghost.


Phoenix said...Much better. Taking Mimi out of the query and replacing her with a mystery instead works quite well.

It's still a little wordy with redundancies and trite phrases, I think. And there are a couple of things I think you can still clarify:
* How/where Elsie can see Aiden.
* What "Elsie must find him" really means. Is it his spirit or his body she must find? If his body, then lots of other people will be involved with that disappearance, but if it's his spirit, that -- and the stakes -- needs to be made clearer.

Also, I know the last paragraph is a placeholder, but you don't need to take up space saying "I'm sending you a YA story because you indicate an interest in YA." That you've done your homework should be evident in your sending the agent stuff she's interested in.

I think the title is perfectly fine even though Aiden isn't technically a ghost. I think people were having issues because the first query wasn't clear on whether Aiden was really alive or dead.

Here's how I would tweak the query:

In my 60,000-word YA paranormal romance, HOW TO KISS A GHOST, seventeen-year-old Elsie's life is shattered when she survives an accident that kills her sister. Pressure from her counselor, parents, and peers wears at her, until survivor guilt pushes her into a suicide attempt. All she wants is to be left alone to die. What she doesn't expect is the spirit of the boy who killed her sister to interrupt her plans.

Aiden is in a coma -– his spirit stuck in a metaphysical limbo between life and death -– after a drunk driver forces his BMW to broadside Elsie's car. Unable to cross over or return to his body, his essence is drawn to Elsie's tortured heart. He appears to her in her mirror, offering words of solace and hope. At first, his only intention is to help her -- unexpectedly, he falls in love with her.

Elsie and Aiden refuse to let so simple a thing as lack of touch interfere with their growing passion. But as secrets surrounding the accident start to unfold, Aiden's spirit mysteriously disappears, and Elsie is left with more questions than answers. Destined to be together but divided by a force beyond their control, Elsie must find Aiden's spirit before the lovely boy with impish eyes and tousled hair lying in a cold hospital room slips from her grasp forever.

I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.

Sincerely,


Anonymous said...This is the author.

Phoenix,

Thank you for your comment. I thought taking Mimi out of the equation would be less confusion. I know everyone wants to know how Elsie can see Aiden, but I'm afraid if I say she died and returned with the gift for seeing ghosts it would confuse everyone again. Because in the story she only sees him, and the reason is because he pushes himself towards her. She doesn't only see him in the mirror, that's just where she first saw him. He actually follows her everywhere after that incident forming a bond of friendship that turns into something more. I mean, some psychics can see ghosts, and sometimes there is no explanation why they do.

The second part of your question is she has to find his body since she finds out he's alive somewhere and his spirit disappears. Now here's where it gets tricky, she races to the hospital and the receptionist says " I'm sorry he left us last week." And she takes it as he died last week. But he is very much alive and is recooperating from the months of being in a comma. I mean, he very well can't return to his body and all of a sudden jump up and run out of the hospital. It wouldn't really be logical. So, she returns home brokenhearted, thinking he's dead and she'll never see him again when Mimi ( who I don't want to name in the story because of confusion) shows up, almost kills Elsie foster mom and Elsie, until Elsie rises up and defeats Mimi. At the end Elsie is standing in her place of refuge when Aiden pulls up and well, I'm sure you can figure out the very end. It's where there is plenty of crying and smootching and everything is laid out on the table so to speak.

I definitely like the way you tweaked the query, but I'm a little worried about mentioning eyes and hair because agents get turned off on any physical description. Thank you again.


Matthew said...Try not to over think it, author. The general rule about description is that it wastes space, but Phoenix' revision still clocks in around 250 (I'm eyeballing it).

I think the description gives the query more of a story like feel, but it's not make or break. Remove it if it makes you uncomfortable...or replace it with something you, as the author, know would be more suitable.

But whatever you do, don't stray too far from what Phoenix wrote; it's good, and she's the best.


Anonymous said...Matthew, I don't plan to stray to far at all from Phoenix's version. I thought it was great! Here is the new version. I only changed a couple of words, not much at all. Let me know what you guys/girls think.

In my 60,000-word YA paranormal romance, HOW TO KISS A GHOST, seventeen-year-old Elsie's life is shattered when she survives an accident that kills her sister. Pressure from her counselor, parents, and peers wears at her, until survivor guilt pushes her into a suicide attempt. All she wants is to be left alone to die. What she doesn't expect is the spirit of the boy who killed her sister to interrupt her plans.

Aiden is in a coma – his spirit stuck in a metaphysical limbo in between life and death – after a drunk driver forces his BMW to broadside Elsie's car. Unable to cross over or return to his body, his essence is drawn to Elsie's tortured heart. He appears to her, offering words of solace and hope. At first, his only intention is to help her – unexpectedly, he falls in love with her.

Aiden and Elsie refuse to let so simple a thing as lack of touch to interfere with their growing passion. But as secrets surrounding the accident start to unfold, Aiden's spirit mysteriously disappears, and Elsie is left with more questions than answers. Destined to be together but divided by a force beyond their control, Elsie must find Aiden's spirit before he slips from her grasp forever.

I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.

Sincerely,

Thank you everyone,

Shannon