Evil Editor's Blog, page 107

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

The Accident

1. The inner dichotomies of modern America and the intricate knotwork of complex exigencies at the heart of small-town life are explored in a story which begins in Tatum, New Mexico, with a fender-bender between two uninsured vehicles.

2. After a UFO crashes in Washington D.C., strange things start happening: one couple makes the inexplicable decision to move into a condominium. A young man finds himself unable to describe a door. Is the alien from the UFO responsible? Will things get worse before they get better?

3. John is a four year old trapped in the body of a man seven times his age. He's getting through the day all right, with help from his helicopter mother, but can he get through the big board meeting this afternoon without having . . . the accident?

4. Little Jimmy Hines is getting mighty tired of being called "the accident" by his mom and dad, so he convinces his seventeen older siblings that life would be much more fun without parents.

5. When David Butterfield learns, at the tender age of 11, that he, meaning his very corporeal existence on earth, was 'an accident', caused by some kind of mysterious botch-up by his wanker of a father on a day when his poor mother had drunk all the ale in the village, not only is his mood altered, but his entire outlook on life spins around, leading to unforeseeable circumstances of reckless activity, crime, drug addiction, and eventually a shocking revenge on evil Mrs. Piggott, the heartless gossip who spewed the 'truth'.

6. Erica hadn't meant to dribble meat juice all over her brother Joe's Levis. Or leave the door to the family pitbull's run open. Besides, it was Joey's own fault; he should have fed Fluffy last night. He forgot. Oh, no, hang on; it had been her turn. Oh well...


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am writing to introduce you to my science fiction/fantasy novel THE ACCIDENT, which has a plot twist that has never appeared in any other novel or movie. [Say no more. I'm putting a six-figure contract in the mail at this exact moment, and if anyone offers more, I'll double it. I must have this book.] [Just kidding. Actually, all plot twists can be traced to The Game, Ender's Game, House of Games, or The Crying Game. I guarantee you subconsciously stole your twist from one of those.] [The only reason an agent would read beyond that sentence is in hopes that the query is a hoax and will be full of laughs.] The novel is complete at 87,500 words.

Three couples cross paths with a mysterious UFO that crashes in Washington, D.C.'s Rock Creek Park: a student, falling in love with a friend, discovers the UFO with her, but when her brother gets trapped inside the saucer, no one believes them; [Is the UFO still there? Because if someone tells me her brother's trapped in a flying saucer, once she shows me the flying saucer I'm not going to be all that skeptical about the brother part.] a bickering married couple move into a condominium with a strange neighbor; [What does that have to do with the UFO?] and a man keeps seeing a door in the sky, but doesn't know how to explain his vision to his fiancee. [I can explain it. He's watching a Twilight Zone marathon.] [Also, what does that have to do with the UFO? You were supposed to be telling how the couples crossed paths with the UFO.] While the alien adapts to the city with frightening consequences, [Apparently an alien survived the crash. I hate it when aliens pop up in the last sentence of the plot summary.] [Yes, even when, as in this case, the plot summary has only two sentences] one person stumbles upon the UFO's unique purpose. [A purpose I cannot reveal in the query because you might steal it, but which I will happily reveal if you request the manuscript.]

I have enclosed an endorsement from award-winning writer XX, who read the novel and called it "wonderful." [Have you ever noticed that the more awards an author wins, the less talkative he is when describing anyone else's writing?] [Also, I need a little context for that word "wonderful." It's the same word I used when Mrs. Evil asked my opinion of her beet casserole, which I had, only moments before, slipped into my napkin and stuffed down my pants.] As for myself, my background is in advertising. I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked for a newspaper. Right now I am writing a sequel.

This is a simultaneous submission to several agents, but I hope to hear from you first because of your excellent reputation. [My other queries went to agents who, frankly, are likely to defraud me.] [Is that sentence in the queries you sent to the other agents, or do those queries say " . . . but I hope to hear from them first because of your repugnant reputation."?] You represent the authors of several fine science fiction and fantasy novels set in ordinary cities on Earth, [It's worth noting that of the cities on Earth, Washington D.C. is among the least ordinary.] such as YY's [book title in italics] and ZZ[Top]'s [book title in italics]. Please let me know if I may send a partial or full manuscript. Thank you for your time.

Best regards,

Author

Enclosures:
Manuscript sample
Synopsis
Endorsement
SASE


Notes

Seeking an agent who represents books with a similarity to yours makes sense, but can you come up with a similarity more specific than it's set on Earth? It's a rare agent who hasn't represented a few such books.

Not only is your plot summary a mere two sentences; it's mostly just a list of characters. What's the story?

How many aliens were on that ship? One?

If a UFO crashed in D.C., there would be far more interesting goings-on than the ones you describe. Why are you focusing on these three couples?

Unless you've read all books and seen all movies, I don't see how you can claim your plot twist has never appeared anywhere. Wouldn't it be better to describe the plot twist and let the agent think, Wow, that plot twist has never been used? I mean, if you've come up with something truly unique to all literature, is that not your main selling point? Is that not the one thing that should be in your query above all else?

Start over from scratch. Tell us what happens. Leave out everything else.


Selected Comments

Eric P. said...Lemme guess....
The alien is really a ghost but doesn't realize it?

The alien sold its hair to get to earth and deliver a watch fob, only to find that the earthlings sold their watches to buy hairbrushes?

The "alien" is really from the far-distant planet earth?

The UFO was really the butler all along?

The UFO is part of a computer simulation to cover up a government mind-control conspiracy?

It was all a dream?


Anonymous said...The spaceship is named Rosebud.


Anonymous said...The alien is Keyser Soze.


Anonymous said...Wait, wait. I got it. The alien looks like Brad Pitt and goes around saying, "The first rule of alien invasion is you do not talk about alien invasion. The second rule of alien invasion is you DO NOT talk about alien invasion..."

And then he shoots himself in the face. Am I right?


Matthew said...Hmmm......Guess the twist? Sounds like fun.

The three couples are actually the aliens that crashed in the spaceship, they just don't remember who they are. That's how the brother became mysteriously trapped in the spaceship, he got stuck when they crashed.

Is that it?


Aimee States said...The plot of all plots?! It's finally been thought of? By someone other than me? I need to hit someone.


Anonymous said...What EE said. Too much about you, not enough about the story. Much of the info doesn't help [having a unique twist, sequel in progress]. Sounds like seven characters in search of a literary novel have close encounters of the 3rd kind.

Which part of the bookstore do you think this belongs in?


Anonymous said...Show don't tell. This applies to the manuscript as well as the query.

There's no plot here. Agents don't want queries telling them that you're an unsung genius. They want to know what the book is about so they can sell it. Simple as that. It's not enough to tell us it's great. Show us in the query and then in the awesome pages.

There's no accounting for taste, but when you make big claims, you shoot yourself in the foot.

Good luck


Teucer said...While I think it's usually wise to allude to (but not divulge) the masterstrokes of your plot in a query (save it for the synopsis), I think you're gonna have to deliver if you're using your unutterably unique plot twist as your selling point. So do it, or else take that part out.


Anonymous said...That's a long long long list of enclosures. You should try reading the agent's website and blog to see what she wants first, and not squander resources sending additional items until someone asks for more.


Sarah Laurenson said...No matter how many things you throw on the plate, if the first taste isn't working, they're not going to keep eating.


Author said..."That's a long long long list of enclosures. You should try reading the agent's website and blog to see what she wants first, and not squander resources sending additional items until someone asks for more."

This is not a form letter. An agency did request those items on their website.

I will tone down the first sentence (thanks for the feedback here), but I don't want to say much in the letter about the plot because I am sending this to agents who've requested a synopsis. Everyone knows there are different kinds of query letters -- this is not a stand-alone letter.

Thanks for all the comments.


blogless troll said...If that agency doesn't work out, do you have one of those other kinds of query letters?


Anonymous said…Please let me know if I may send a partial or full manuscript. 

I hate this sentence. First, it makes it sounds like you think you can trick the agent by giving him/her only those two options.

 Secondly, the word "may" is grammatically correct but it just sounds gay.


Evil Editor‬ said...Whoa.

Chances of selling manuscript if agent thinks you

 use

bad grammar and are straight: 0.


correct grammar and are straight: 10%.
bad grammar and are gay: 27%.


correct grammar and are gay: 84%.


Sarah Laurenson‬ said...correct grammar and gay: 84%? 

Wow! I've got a good chance. Now to work on that grammar part...


BuffySquirrel‬ said...Oh, I get it. May is gay cos they rhyme, right? Which means it's also say, day, fae, and tray.

Idiot.
‪

chelsea‬ said...Seriously, Anon, you don't find it the slightest bit ironic to lecture on grammar and then (derogatorily) call something gay in the same sentence? I do so hope you write that way in your manuscripts. Let them never see the light of day. 

:)


Xiexie‬ said...Use correct grammar and are gay: 84%

 What portion of that goes to using correct grammar? To being gay? I'm only half-gay so do I get the correct grammar and straight 10% boost added to whatever lower percentage I would get from my half-gay status? We bisexuals need to know our chances here too!


‪ril‬ said... 

Use correct grammar and are gay: 84%.

 Oh, my. Something else I'm gonna have to learn how to do...


Dave F. said...From my experience with short stories and long stories, agents and editors don't read past the email to the attachments if they don't like the email. They stop and read nothing else. If the grammar and punctuation are bad or sometimes even less than formal letter quality, they stop and go on to the next query.

And If they start to read the query (yes, even short stories have some sort of query introducing them to the editor) and they don't like the story or they have no idea what you are writing about, they stop reading.

Let me tell you, as someone who had to schedule 150 audits at a time, when you see 100 emails waiting for you, you don't take long thoughtful interludes with each email.

The query is IT. That's your chance. If your query interests the agent or editor, then they go to the synopsis and the chapters.

If that sounds cruel, then I'll throw a pity party for you. whoop. whoop. hooray. That's as much pity as you get. I give myself less than that.

This draft query didn't work. Start over using EE's and the minions suggestions. Remember, they want you to get published. They are on your side.


Aimee States said..."I don't want to say much in the letter about the plot because I am sending this to agents who've requested a synopsis."

Which they most likely won't read if they don't like the query letter. *sigh*


Anonymous said...Wow, if you're this resistant to revising a query letter, I'd hate to see what happens when an editor asks you to revise the manuscript. And if you didn't think you needed critique, why in the world did you post?

I'll echo what others have said. Just because an agency/editor requests a synopsis doesn't mean they'll read it. The query has to sell the package. It also shows your writing skills - that you know what to enhance and what to leave out when telling a story. Your "query" doesn't do any of that.


Eric P. said...Another thing: Do you say the part about "I hope to hear from you first because of your excellent reputation" to every agent to whom you're sending this simultaneous submission? ("This exact letter is going out to lots of people, but you're special!")

If so, you're a weasel (no offense, but...). If not, aren't the agents still going to think you are? How do they know you didn't just call 9 other agents special too?

Either you have one special agent in mind-- in which case, start with them-- or you don't, in which case, don't try to make them feel like the special recipient of a simultaneous submission.


vkw said...I'll wade in here - from what I read in your query - your book sounds interesting - vaguely.

I didn't like the first sentence but you know whatever.

This is how I look at it. If I see a book with an interesting title and an interesting cover in a genre I like or have heard cool things about a book or is written by an author I like - I pick it up and read the back. If I like that I read the flaps and maybe the first couple of pages. Then if I still like - I buy the book.

I look at query letters the same way. Its like a cover letter sent with a resume. The cover letter should make me (your potential employer) interested in reading your resume.

If your query letter is only vaguely interesting, I may read your synopsis if I don't have fifty others to look at or am trying to avoid doing something at work I don't want to do.

So - you can revise your query, make it fantastic so I have no choice but to read on . . . or not.

I guess my only question to you is this, (you stated: "but I don't want to say much in the letter about the plot because I am sending this to agents who've requested a synopsis.")

Should not your great resume be reflected in your great cover letter? Why not be a bit repetitive to make sure the busy editor/agent gets it? No harm mentioning you graduated from Harvard twice - but maybe not 10 times.

Get my meaning?


Xiexie said...This barebones query reminds me of a DC-based Close Encounters of the Third Kind .
You've got me in your corner cos 1) I'm a DC-tonian -- it's cool to read books set in the area that don't involve political stuffs; 2) I love alien-based SF/F; and 3)as the GTPs showed, there's a plethora of things you can do with your title, The Accident.

Now tell me what happens in this book so that I can champion for you even more.


Xiexie said...Author, you need the plot here in your query.

The synopses, partials, fulls, etc. will only expand on what the query has intrigued the agent/editor with.


Anonymous said...That door in the clip is what the inarticulate guy was looking at? Cool animation. I'm guessing the twist = it all takes place in the world portrayed on the show, which actually exists somewhere beyond Jupiter.

ril said...Whoa. Chances of selling manuscript if agent thinks you

use bad grammar and are straight: 0.

use correct grammar and are straight: 10%.

Use bad grammar and are gay: 27%.

Use correct grammar and are gay: 84%.

Oh, my. Something else I'm gonna have to learn how to do...


Author said...My thanks to everybody who left feedback, both the snarky and the unsnarky. I appreciate the time you took and will give all the suggestions serious thought. EE, thanks to you, too, for your comments on the front page... and also, in your evilness, please don't cut this thank-you again.
Here's a draft letter with more plot details if anybody wants to look at it. The draft does fit into one page, but it's too long in general, and some of the sentences need to be trimmed. Again, this is not a form letter.

My concern: I've read that the plot should be one paragraph only (AgentQuery(dot)com and agent Noah Lukeman's How to Write a Great Query Letter, a free download on Amazon). I've also read that in the query letter you should not name the characters, that it is not necessary, and it bogs down the agent. If I put in a lot of plot details, I have to name the characters; otherwise, it is too hard to keep track of what's happening. It also bothers me to repeat things that are in the snyopsis.


Dear Agent:

Your comments about your love of books and the craft of writing in your online interview for _______ really resonated with me. I hope you will enjoy my science fiction/fantasy novel, THE ACCIDENT, complete at 87,430 words. I have enclosed an endorsement from award-winning writer _______, who called it a finely wrought page-turner.

After an attorney dies at Buchanan House, a Washington, D.C. condominium, student Toby Beckett chases his dog into the woods behind the building and discovers a broken Nikon. When he takes the Nikon to the camera store where he works and looks inside it with night clerk Monroe Broussard, they discover digital photos of a giant woman and a UFO crash in Rock Creek Park. Toby heads to a Union Station coffee bar to show the photos to Burke Kerrigan, a former AP photographer, who just laughs at them, and he falls for Burke’s beautiful sister Kate when she joins their table. Suddenly they spot the giant. Racing into the Metro, they trail her across the city until she reveals herself to be inhuman and disappears inside Buchanan House.

Burke argues that the giant is a carnival freak who faked the photos, but when they hike into Rock Creek Park, they find the UFO behind a damaged camouflage force field. After Burke gets trapped inside the saucer, Toby and Kate go for help, but the police don’t believe them. The alien roams the city at night and murders a mugger, a cop and a government worker. Meanwhile, Toby’s sister Lisa Mitchell and her husband Ian, just back from London, are moving into Buchanan House, and Toby, who’s never put himself on the line before, has to warn them, no matter what they'll think. Finally, Monroe Broussard keeps seeing a door in the sky, but doesn’t know how to explain his vision to his fiancée Annie Robinson. She tells him he’s seeing a symbol of the afterlife because he lost his family in a hurricane, but the vision turns out to be a foreshadowing of his fate. While the alien adapts to the city, shape-shifting from a giant woman to a terrifying bird and a pillar in an underground garage, one person solves the mystery of the Nikon in the woods and then stumbles upon the UFO’s purpose: another alien, from intergalactic animal control, is searching for the creature it lost in the crash.

As for myself, my background is in advertising. I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked for a newspaper. Right now I’m writing a sequel. Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Author


Evil Editor said...That's twice this article by Noah Lukeman has been cited in recent weeks. My advice remains: Consult the article when submitting to Noah Lukeman and ignore it otherwise. And since, according to Agentquery.com, Noah Lukeman doesn't accept queries...


Aimee States said...Now your playing with me...did your writer friend call it wonderful or a finely wrought page turner? Or both? Or neither?

You need to do more research. What you're doing now is shooting yourself in the foot.


Anonymous said...Intergalactic animal control! Of course! **smacks forehead** How fortunate Toby works at a camera shop and has a sister moving into the same place where the alien lives.


Jodi said...This reads more like a one page synopsis than a query letter. A query's main purpose is to get the agent to look at the other materials (sample pages, synopses, manuscript), whether or not they are included. What is needed in the query regarding plot is more like what a tv guide gives as plot info on an episode. Also, regarding names--use names or whatever works best to make the query clearer.

Hope that helps.



Evil Editor said...There's too much information in this version. Try telling the story in nine sentences, and focusing on one set of characters. Leave out stuff that makes sense in the book but sounds ridiculous in the query. There are problems with clarity, but perhaps they can be attributed to rushing this version back to the blog.


Anonymous said..."Your comments about your love of books and the craft of writing in your online interview for _______ really resonated with me."

Stop this now. Stop it.

You're digging yourself a grave. For this to work you have to be very specific. Here you've tried to painted a broad ambiguous statement and tried to personalize it with fill in the blank format.

Agents aren't this stupid. They're really not, but make you them think you believe them to be idiots.

I have enclosed an endorsement from award-winning writer _______, who called it a finely wrought page-turner."

When you say enclosed it means you intend to attach a letter from the famous author with those exact words. Quotes don't count.

Before author xx said it was wonderful, now it's "Finely wrought page tuner." My BS meter want's to know which is it? It also thinks you're being extremely liberal with your interpretation of a compliment.

I repeat. Agents are not this stupid. They're really not.


Anonymous said...Your new version still doesn't have a plot.


BuffySquirrel said...Eh, my first question would be, if famous writer thinks it's so wonderful, why didn't they refer it to their agent?


*Rachel*_ said..."I've also read that in the query letter you should not name the characters, that it is not necessary, and it bogs down the agent. If I put in a lot of plot details, I have to name the characters; otherwise, it is too hard to keep track of what's happening. It also bothers me to repeat things that are in the snyopsis."

Bad advice. Seriously. Would you read a book with that sort of description to recommend it?

87,000 words. Round to the nearest thousand.

Still unsure about the letter of recommendation.

You don't need the phrase about the attourney; it isn't attached to the rest of the paragraph. That paragraph was doing fine until you added the sister in; then the sentence structure got weird. After that, you have too many characters doing too many things. Cut it to only Toby, Burke, Kate, and the giant, and try to make it make sense.

Buffy's right. If this author wants to do you a favor, ask for a referral.


Xiexie said...Hi author, there still isn't a clear plot here and this does read like a bland synopsis.

I think your query should focus on Toby, Burke, Monroe, and the UFO crash where in which their lives are changed by a galactic fumble.

Those are your main characters. The rest you mentioned are all in relation to them. Mentioning Lisa and her husband by name didn't really add to whatever struggle Toby goes through.

The query doesn't need to contain a lot of plot details , just the main ones. The GTP is closer to an accurate plot outlining than your draft letter and query.


Anonymous said...You seem to be missing the protagonist's quest and goal. The two ingredients that actually make your story a story. So without hinting at them in some way, you have what appears to be a bunch of stuff happening without a cohesive plot. This might not be the case with your novel, but no one would know that from reading what you've posted.
All writers go through this when they're first starting out - getting what's in the head down on the page in a way that makes other people understand what they mean. You've written several things into your synopsis that indicate to me you haven't quite mastered this. For example, "Giant" can mean anywhere from seven feet tall to twenty feet or more. Your story will read differently depending on that piece of information. This may seem to you like a simple oversight, and perhaps it is. But to your reader, it is glaring. And when the glaring oversights add up...well, you get it.

Also, I'd leave out the part about being in advertising. I actually chuckled at that as it was so incongruent with what had come in previous paragraphs. Plus it has no bearing on your work.


Author said...You're digging yourself a grave. For this to work you have to be very specific. Here you've tried to painted a broad ambiguous statement and tried to personalize it with fill in the blank format."

This is not fill in the blank. I left the specifics out for privacy. I said somewhere here that I am not sending form letters.

Thanks again to everybody for the feedback, especially EE's comment to try nine sentences for the plot, how giant is the giant, and look at the summaries in a TV Guide, which is a great suggestion. I'll spend this week reworking the letter.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Demon Prey

1. Laci is living a normal life with a normal job. Then one day someone comes into her office, insists that she's a demon hunter, and gives her her first assignment: to single-handedly capture Zathspar, the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth.

2. Thanks to Vincent's experiment with advanced genetic manipulation, aphids the size of Volkswagens emerge from the chicken shack and go in search of religion, only to confront demonic beetles the size of Hummers. Can Vincent quash the ensuing chaos with the power of prayer?

3. Sam and Laura's Yucatan Peninsula vacation is pure bliss--until a trail of dead goats leads right to their tent flap. Can Laura prove Sam isn't the Chupacabra before the locals roast him? More important, can Laura run faster than Sam?

4. Jerrold has been amusing himself by having affairs with girls from the local university's clubs. When he meets Ginny, a dedicated environmentalist, he thinks he can use her like the others. But Ginny's father is a demon, and daddy can't stand to see his little girl cry.

5. Bon Linte is a retired demon hunter who bought an island with the bounties he brought in. Now he owes his girlfriend a peaceful night together, but the children of his victims are looking for revenge and the volcano on his island is set to erupt.

6. Kristy is a vindictive, manipulative college sophomore. One day the devil appears and gives her a choice -- she can live, die, and probably end up in Hell. Or she can become a demon and gain all sorts of cool powers like eternal youth--but only if she tempts her only friend into going to Hell instead. Did I mention the demon powers are really awesome?


Original Version

Dear Agent:

I am currently seeking representation for my first novel, a paranormal romance titled Demon Prey. The novel, including a prologue, is complete at 76,500 words. [When I finished writing the book and realized it was only 36,500 words, I had two choices: Toss it or tack on a 40,000-word prologue.]

I have always been fascinated by the thought that all around us an unseen war rages over souls. [If it must be included at all, always put evidence that you are mentally unstable at the end of the query.] In my novel Demon Prey I give readers a glimpse of the warriors involved in those battles. The war in this realm is fought between the Amolites, a race of demon hunters and Demons. The Amolites live and work among us, but keep their existence hidden. [If they live and work among us, we know they exist. It's just their hobby they're keeping hidden.] This is why my heroine Laci Scott, [At last. A character.] is more than skeptical when an angel in training appears in her office insisting she is an Amolite. [No I'm not, I'm a Presbyterian.] If that were not disturbing enough, Laci has been charged with ensnaring Zathspar the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth. [If this novel doesn't sell, would you mind if we incorporated Zathspar the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth as our next recurring blog character?]

In a political move Laci does not understand, the ruling body of the Amolites strip her guardian away from her, condemning her to certain death at Zathspar [the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth] 's hands. Terrified beyond all imaginings, Laci tries to return to her normal life.

It is on a routine business trip to Chicago to meet with a client, Dorian Burton, that Laci’s life is forever changed. [Okay, think. Which one really forever changed her life: the routine business trip to Chicago or finding out she was condemned to certain death at the hands of Zathspar the deadliest etc. etc.?] It is more than the desire Dorian stirs in Laci, but his ability to manipulate the flow of time that gives Laci her first glimmer of hope. [Most women have a list of qualities they want in a man, but rarely does that list include the ability to manipulate the flow of time.] In his arms Laci finds the courage and the strength she needs to stand and fight.

[Laci: With you by my side I finally have the courage to fight.

Dorian: Fight who?

Laci: Zathspar the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth.

Dorian: How about instead we start by taking on Zamfir, master of the Pan flute, and work our way up to Zathspar?]

Zathspar must not be allowed to unleash his powers on the world again. [Again? What happened the last time Zathspar the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth unleashed his powers on the world?] If ZathsparthedeadliestdemonevertoplaguetheEarth is successful, the forces of good and evil will stand against each other one final time and decide once and for all who has the right to rule over heaven. Laci must win, not just for the world, but for the life of a man she can not live without. [Why is Dorian's life at stake?]

For further samples of this work, please contact me. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Can Dorian make time stop temporarily and kill Rathbone while he's frozen like a statue? Can he go back in time and kill Rathbone's mother before he's born? What about Hitler's mother?

Why don't the demon hunters assign the task of capturing Z-Spar to one of their more experienced people instead of someone who didn't even know she was a demon hunter yesterday?

How do they expect her to defeat Zoltan? Doesn't she need some training? It's hard enough to defeat one of the least deadly demons on your first mission, let alone the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth.

We don't need to know about the Amolites. After all, Laci didn't know about them. Start with: Literary agent Laci Scott is more than skeptical when an angel in training appears in her office, insists she is a demon hunter, and charges her with ensnaring Zamboni, the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth. Of course Laci laughs the whole thing off . . . until [insert event that convinces Laci she really does have to ensnare Zimbabwe.] Fill us in on what manipulating the flow of time means, and make it good, because right now I don't feel that good about the chances of an office temp defeating the deadliest anything ever.

Also, consider changing Zathspar's name to Rathbone.


Selected Comments

Matthew said...The MC looks like a serious Mary Sue so far. You might want to flesh out her character more in the revision.


vkw said...My plot problems:

1. What makes Laci special so that she can hunt the demons and be successful? Other than being a Amolyte or whatever. Did she know she was somehow different?
2. Why is she then chosen to hunt the most powerful demon?
3. The good guys, (who hunt demons) strip away her guardian and condemn her essentially to death. Are we sure we are talking about the good guys because that seems like a demonic move to me. At least they could have given her another guardian. If I was Lacy, I would be questioning about now if I shouldn't switch sides.
4. How do Dorian and Lacy meet? Accident? Purposeful? I mean it seems this should have been a planned thing and, if so, how?
5. Lacy is given the task to save the world - which includes her, I would imagine - I hope that a recent love interest is way down the line as a motivation to do the right thing.

Just my few coppers. I am sure you have worked out all this in the book but it needs to be fleshed out a bit. I do empathize - I know its hard.


Steve said...In a political move Laci does not understand ... I don't understand it either. If I was on the ruling body of the Amolites, I'd want whoever was fighting "Zathspar the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth" to have all the resources they need to get the job done. Laci might not understand the political move, but I think whoever's reading the query needs to.
I can't help feeling the query, at the moment, starts in paragraph two, and then starts again in paragraph four ... I'd pick one, and eliminate the other, and use the space you save to explain these political machinations of yours.

"Zathspar" is not going to be a popular name with readers who've got dentures ... heck, I find it awkward, and I've still got my own teeth.


Anonymous said...Ditto on: Why would the Amolites send an amateur to defeat the top gun demon?
Also, why would they take away her guardian? I'm guessing this is the person who is supposed to show her the ropes and teach her what she's doing. I think it would be more interesting if they left her with her guardian, especially when she meets Dorian. Talk about conflicts.


Dave F. said...The BBC-America channel on my TV just started a new series titled "Being Human." It's about a vampire, a werewolf and a ghost living in an apartment together. Most of the story deals with their personal struggles -- the werewolf trying not to eat his friends, the vampire trying not to drink live blood anymore, and the ghost just trying to live vicariously while getting over her still living lover. They are all trying to be what they are not, human.

Notice it's all about personal struggles and interactions. That's what is missing from your query. Your story is about Laci Scott who is trying to cope with discovering that she can fight demons and fall in love. I don't write romance but I am guessing that most of the book involves Laci's falling in love with Dorian. In a romance novel, the romance takes center stage. If the demon fighting takes center stage, then it's something else. Regardless, you have to make the agent or editor love Laci Scott and her adventures to sell the book.


Anonymous said...Yeah, I agree -- with good guys like this, who needs demons? And if she's the only great superpower who can destroy Zarthrusta what does her guardian do all day? Seems to me the Ammonites would be better off to give the guardian a promotion and let it star in a fantasy epic while your protagonist works on getting laid in a vampire romance.

I'm sort of burnt out on all forms of "the chosen one" plot formula, so what I have to say may not be relevant for people who are excited about chosen ones. Reading this I just think well, why her? Couldn't the Ammonites find anyone who was even a little more engaged and competent? Give me a superhero who is focused on the mission. Making the protagonist of your Cosmic Good vs Cosmic Evil epic seem to be some random chick who needs a "guardian" to avoid certain death and is mainly focused on running away and making out with some love interest doesn't work for me. She is called upon to do superhero stuff in the role of a diety, so I wish you'd make her a superhero.


Zathspar said...This query pleases me. I am impressed that mere mortals have the ability to string words together and form cohesive thoughts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find this Laci Scott and kill her.


Eric P. said...These Amolites are interesting. Laci has zero demon-fighting experience, so they give her the responsibility to singlehandedly stop the deadliest demon etc. If she fails, the earth will be destroyed and plunged into Armageddon. And they prepare her for the fight by "strip[ping] her guardian away from her, condemning her to certain death."

So in a sentence: "If you die, the world will be destroyed and all will be lost, and we've made it certain that you will die."

My guess is they've been placing secret bets in the back room and, while they may be officially on the side of Good, they really need her to take a fall on this one. (Since all the readers are of course expecting the protagonist to win in the end, the odds are heavily against Zathspar the deadliest etc.)

Does Dorian send her back in time to before she lost her guardian? That could work.

You'll also probably get some feminists upset at you for featuring an independent female protagonist who can't succeed in her task until she's safe in the arms of a strong man. But hey, not my funeral.


BuffySquirrel said...What happened the last time Zathspar the deadliest demon ever to plague the Earth unleashed his powers on the world?

At a guess, Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan....


pacatrue said...My advice is simply to put your heroine in charge of your query. As EE says, start with her and then talk about what she does. Right now, she's caught unawares, likes a guy, and may have to do something interesting one day.


caitmorgan said...I agree with others regarding the MC; she needs some beefing up as so far she isn't piquing my interest much as a reader. While I'm generally intrigued by the idea of purported good guys acting like bad guys, what makes Suzie-Q so special that she has the ability to take out Zathsparthedeadliestdemontoeverplaguetheearth (sorry, couldn't resist) without training. Even Buffy (who, admittedly, I don't care for much) has continuing issues with Angelus (who I adore) and never permanently vanquished him.

chelsea said...I kept expecting Dorian to be a bad guy. I mean, she meets him on a routine trip, he has secret powers, she becomes dependent on him. His name is Dorian. Dunno, just the way I thought the plot would go. No?

Feedback Request

The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1194 has posted a new version in the comments there, and awaits your reaction.

Success Story

I've already posted about Jennifer Buhl's book Shooting Stars (queried in Face-Lift 1028, officially released yesterday). Jennifer appeared yesterday on Entertainment Tonight to promote the book. You can watch the full episode here.   Or fast-forward to her interview, which is about 16 minutes in.

Face-Lift 1197

Guess the Plot

Mallet

1. His name is Mallet. Duke Mallet. Follow the adventures of the baddest parking inspector along the mean streets of Hicksville.

2. He's  tough, a loner, a PI who doesn't play by the rules. Criminals and other bad guys fear him. Men admire him. Women desire him. He's not just an action hero, he's...Mallet.

3. Parolee John Mallet sets out for Manitoba to hunt down his ex-wife and reconnect with his daughter. Of course, Sandy's remarried, and her new husband, Mark Hammer, has convinced Shelly that her dad is a tool. Can he find redemption, and a place in Shelly's life?

4. Johnny fishes all day, everyday, in the brackish waters of Florida'a estuaries. Oh, sure, he's caught Chinook and Tarpon, but Johnny just throws them back. He's after the elusive Mallet. He's tried worms, shrimp, minnows and every jig ever made, but no Mallets. Until one day, when a weathered old man walks up and whispers the secret word to catch Mallet. "Mullet." Confusion ensues.

5. Murder by polo mallet is all too common among the British upper crust. So when billionaire polo fanatic John Rouge gets a craving for fish and chips and flies his plane into town for take-out, and disappears, the worst is feared. But if he was bludgeoned to death with a polo mallet, where's the body?

6. When Josh shows up with an ironic mullet at his company's annual party, the CEO shows up with one too, and instantly gives Josh the promotion he deserves. But will the mallet-wielding intern Josh just fired ruin his chances with Kate, the hot executive assistant?

7. It’s 1923 and Hank Mallet is a private investigator in San Francisco. He’s hired by a Chinese lady, Madame Mu Chu, to find her missing daughter. But she isn’t. Hank digs deeper and discovers a sex slavery ring and an opium smuggling rival gang. Several attempts are made on Hank’s life as he unravels each layer of these criminal organizations.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Amanda’s best friend Dionne and her millionaire boyfriend John Rouge disappear while taking a float plane to get fish and chips, Amanda wants to be concerned. But she’s more worried about staying alive.

Dionne invites Amanda to a charity polo match, where she meets John’s dysfunctional family. His brother Adrian is a money pit, losing John’s loan money in bad bets and investments. Daughter Lilian won’t get a job, but has no trouble spending her daddy’s money. Old army buddy Barry Morgan hangs onto his past as a British rock star, and won’t accept the fact he’s a dried up has-been [and not even British]. [In my neck of the woods, it's "washed-up"; "dried-up" refers to a face so wrinkled it looks like a prune. Except when it refers to a source of money that is no longer gushing forth.] [In any case, if you call him a has-been, we will assume he's washed-up.] This doesn’t stop him from vying for Lilian’s affections.

Amanda also meets Connor West. At first, she takes him for a groom, but he is a polo star, and John’s protégé.

When a real groom turns up dead at the polo tournament, the police immediately suspect Connor, since he was found unconscious on the scene. [The most likely suspect is a guy who wasn't conscious? That's like someone asking who won the swim meet, and you say, "I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, it was the guy who drowned."] As the investigation drags on, Amanda is invited to accompany the group to John’s remote lake island. A series of strange events [Such as?] result in accidental – or possibly deliberate – deaths. 

[Detective 1: The victim was bludgeoned to death with a polo mallet.

Detective 2: Deliberately?]

By the end of the weekend, Amanda is forced to match wits with two members of the group who will do anything to grab John Rouge’s fortune. [Which two? Are the two collaborating? You can't just grab someone's fortune. Explain how they can get the fortune. And why is Amanda matching wits with them? She has nothing to do with John's fortune.]

MALLET is complete at 65,000 words. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,


Notes

If you want to call it Mallet, but want it to be accessible to more people, change it from the cutthroat world of high-level polo to the cutthroat world of high-level croquet.

We have a list of suspects, which is good for a murder mystery, but what they're suspected of is a bit nebulous. Did the death of the groom bring anyone closer to John Rouge's fortune? Who is dying on the island, and who is closer to the fortune because of it? To grab the fortune, do you have to be mentioned in John's will? Were the victims in the will? Why is Amanda worried about staying alive? She's not standing between anyone and the fortune.

When do John and Dionne disappear? Before or after the group go to the island? You'd think a billionaire would have a kitchen staff on call and ready to whip up some fish and chips at a moment's notice, and wouldn't have to fly into town for some take-out fish and chips. If he wanted to disappear, taking Dionne sightseeing in the plane is a better excuse than picking up some fish and chips. Unless . . . was he flying to this place, winner of the best fish and chips award three years running? (Of course they won; their fish cakes are always 50% fish.)

This needs to focus more on Amanda. Why is she involved? Why is she in danger? What's her plan? Have any authorities been summoned to deal with the numerous deaths and disappearances?

Your best friend invites you to join her and her boyfriend and his dysfunctional family on a remote island, and then leaves the island with the boyfriend, leaving you alone with his family who are complete strangers to you? Shouldn't that be former best friend?

Feedback Request

The author of New Beginning 1019 would like to know if you prefer the revised version, which is now in the comments there.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Gift of the Phoenix

1. Another tie -- and it's not even his color. Mike Cranston's ingratitude, and rash decision to regift, unleashes the fiery wrath of a mythological creature with frightening powers.

2. Three men--a warrior, a wizard and a peasant--are thrown together on a mission that could save the world. They must work together to protect the magical Phoenix from the cunning one out to steal its immortality: the evil and fearsome mastermind known as . . . the Cunning One.

3. Jeff's mom celebrates his 10th birthday by throwing a costume party with her rowdy friends and relatives. It is a riot: broken furniture, live garage band, drunken parade, and spontaneous combustion of an old Volvo. Next morning as Jeff eats Cheerios on the back porch, a magnificent bird emerges from the blackened car. Adventure ensues.

4. Samantha always wanted to own an exotic bird. When a mysterious admirer sends a live phoenix to Sam’s office, she’s torn between delight and concern. She sends a text message immediately to the number on the card. But when the bird spontaneously bursts into flame and a holographic image of the pizza delivery kid appears, she immediately clicks the unsend button on her cell phone. After that she spends a year in therapy . . . and that’s what this book is really about.

5. As the strange giant egg Mink Xappa found under the mango tree incubates in a basket of feathers, Wizard Suavo Parker fears his broom might not make it across the entire ocean. He's using the ancient map, but will he actually reach the fabled island where phoenixes breed? Or will he soon be fish food? Plus, pirates!

6. Temporarily broke and without transportation, Fred accepts the gift of a 1976 Ford Phoenix. Over the following weeks a pattern emerges: the car runs beautifully in the morning but it breaks down every night, successively stranding Fred at the homes of customers, relatives, and his high school sweetheart. Hilarity ensues, until Fred wonders why he ever accepted the . . . Gift of the Phoenix.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Agent:

In a place where magic is rare and often lies hidden in the deep recesses of the earth, a great power will threaten the world - and few will know of it.

Three strangers are thrust together by a common enemy - the Cunning One - who seeks to steal the immortality and magic of the Phoenix. [Heroes would laugh at a villain called the Cunning One:

Cunning One: Step aside or die, subcreatures.
Heroes: Who the hell are you?
Cunning One: I am known as . . . the Cunning One!
Heroes (rolling on floor): Ha! Ha ha! Hahahahahha!

So would readers. Call her the Archimage.] But uniting will not be easy for these men. Nicolai, a peasant with a powerful secret, seeks only to protect the woman he loves from danger. [Is she in danger from the Cunning One? If so, why? If not, why is Nicky even involved?] Marcellus, warrior prince, rebels against magic and insists only military strength will defeat their enemy. [Wrong. Cunning almost always trumps military might. Rankings of conflict tactics, from least effective to most:

10. Donning colorful uniforms, assembling in a phalanx, and marching directly toward the enemy.

9. Handing over the Sudetenland in return for a promise of peace.

8. Getting involved in a land war in Asia.

7. Recruiting ruthless criminals to fight for you.

6. Cheating.

5. Overwhelming military strength.

4. Cunning.

3. Blowing up enemy's planet with Death Star.

2. Recruiting army of unkillable ghosts and offering them closure.

1. Attacking the enemy's solitary, trivial, inaccessible weak spot.]

Corren, the true heir, is a powerful wizard whose ambitions threaten to ruin them all.

Their quest leads them deep into hidden worlds of magic [Are you sure this is "a place where magic is rare"? We've already encountered the magic of the Phoenix, a powerful wizard, and now hidden worlds of magic.] as they seek to find out what they must do to protect the Phoenix. Once they learn the Cunning One is Corren's powerful sage Aradia, [Presumably Aradia doesn't want it known that she's the villain, so she uses the alias, the Cunning One. Yet the heroes learn she's Aradia almost immediately. Maybe she should have worn a disguise, too.] they fear they are destined to fight a battle they cannot win. But fight they will. They learn the key lies in protecting the Gateway leading to the Phoenix and draw on every magical and military resource to defend it. Meanwhile, Corren understands the thirst for power that drives Aradia, [(the Cunning One)] and fears the same corruptive desires lurk in his own heart.

Struggling to overcome Aradia's betrayal and the strife that still exists between them, they suffer an astouding failure. Aradia shatters through the Gateway [That was easy. What, exactly, did "every magical and military resource" consist of?] and the Three hastily pursue her into the hidden Realm of the Phoenix. There they must unite, or be destroyed. [They weren't united when they were defending the Gateway? What were they doing, arguing about whether to kill the Cunning One with a sword, a pitchfork or a magic wand? ]

GIFT OF THE PHOENIX is a multiple-viewpoint epic fantasy, which takes us deep into the heart of a wondrous world and the three men destined to defend it. I wrote this novel as a stand-alone, but left plenty of room for a sequel which is already loosely planned. [I don't think "already" goes well with "loosely planned." It's not like it normally takes years to loosely plan something. In fact, in the time it took me to type that last sentence I loosely planned a novel about undersea creatures taking over Jamaica. Yes, already.] I have a Bachelor's Degree in Writing from X College, where I also served as Editor-in-Chief of the award-winning literary magazine, X.

I would love to send you part or all of the completed manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,


Notes

It would be easier to protect the Phoenix if the warrior prince called on his army of soldiers and the wizard called on his army of lions and wolves. Instead, they have a peasant. What can one peasant do when faced with . . . the Cunning One?

Isn't the Phoenix's magic powerful enough to protect itself? If not, why does the Cunning One want it? Doesn't the Cunning One have powerful magic of her own? She must, or the wizard wouldn't have thought his team was destined to fight a battle they couldn't win.


Selected Comments

pjd said...I can not comment on the query at this moment because I am sitting in amused awe at the blue text. Well done, EE.

One thing you missed though:

"Corren, the true heir, is a powerful wizard whose ambitions threaten to ruin them all."

True heir of what? And if he's the true heir then what is Marcellus prince of?

OK, one comment on the query: This seems to suffer a malady similar to my recent face lift fodder. You talk about this happening and then that happening and then the other happening, but take a long look at EE's GTP and start over from that. Too bogged down in names and details such that the actual story gets a bit lost. I get the sense there's a reasonably simple plot with some reasonably complex characters and a lot of conflict both external and internal, but I got lost in all the details.

I think it might have been Dave F that told me to step back and look at the forest for a bit and ignore all those trees getting in the way. Seems like you might benefit from a similar exercise.

Again I say well done, EE. Especially the top 10 list. Though I'm not sure "archimage" is the right word for The Cunning One... makes me think of photos of landmarks in Paris. Can't wait to read your Jamaica book.


Anonymous said...This is so generic. Have you actually written the book?


December/Stacia said...The Archimage made me wonder if the Bettimage and the Veronicamage would be along at some point too.

Xenith said...Someone somewhere, possibly one of the agents blogs, said a query should show how your novel is different to all the other novels that deal with similar topics.

I'm not getting that here.

A group of characters trying to save the world from a great power that few know about is a common storyline in epic fantasy. I've read enough of them, and I'm sure far more never get published.

So why is this one different?


DragonChick said...Thanks for the critique EE and pjd. I'm definitely having a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. I have one version - one of about a hundred, it feels like - which lays out the basic premise, but I was told I needed more details. It's hard to know what to do. Anyway, I really appreciate the advice! I'll keep plugging away. (And yes, the book is written.)


Phoenix said...Brilliant title. I wouldn't change a word of it. :o)

Xenith said it exactly. What's different about this story? I did a rewrite to see if I could think of a way to make the story sound different and more exciting. I'm afraid, based on what you've given us here, I didn't succeed. The climax, especially, falls really flat. If you have some unique hook (other than that fabulous Phoenix!), put it out there, front and center.

Hidden in the deep recesses of the world, the magic of the Phoenix -- long a foundation of the empire -- bides. Tempted by the legend's power, the sage Aradia devises a cunning scheme to steal its magic and claim its immortality.

Her pawns: A peasant who knows the Phoenix's one weakness, and may trade that knowledge to protect the woman he loves. A warrior prince who scoffs at magic and gambles his reputation on military might. And a powerful wizard whose ambitions threaten to ruin them all.

Under Aradia's influence, the men set out in uneasy truce to stop the one they know only as "the Cunning One" from finding and violating the magic that holds their empire together. But [obstacle one] and [obstacle two], as well as their own animosity toward one another, threaten their success.

Then, at the Gateway, where the mundane world and the magical realm collide, Aradia's true nature outs and the men discover they've been betrayed. Their only chance to save the empire now is to protect the way leading to the Phoenix. But when the men clash over whether to use magic or military strength to stop her, Aradia takes advantage of that moment of indecision. Shattering the Gateway, she charges into the Realm of the Phoenix with the men in hasty pursuit. In their race to save the empire, the men must find a way to unite -- or be destroyed.

GIFT OF THE PHOENIX is a multiple-viewpoint epic fantasy. Complete at 120,000 words, it's a stand-alone with series potential. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Writing from X College, where I also served as Editor-in-Chief of the award-winning literary magazine, X.

I would love to send you part or all of the manuscript. Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Try posting one the other 99 versions and see what the minions think of it. Maybe between the two, we can all come up with something that really grabs!

OMG. EE. I do love your top 10 lists. And you even snuck in an allusion to LOTR *heart flutters*. This title, your list. My night is complete.


DragonChick said...Glad you like the title Phoenix, ;) and thanks for the generous offer. It was hard to pick another version cuz I still can't see the forest for the trees, but I settled on this one. It's pretty rough but it should give you a little more information about the story. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Three strangers are thrust together by three mysterious stones, the knowledge that they’re actually brothers, and a common enemy who seeks to steal the immortality and magic of the Phoenix. But uniting will not be easy for these men. Nicolai had lived as a peasant, but his hidden friendship with earth faeries imbues him with a knowledge of the earth’s secrets. Marcellus, the warrior prince who is no longer heir to the throne, rebels against magic and insists only military strength will defeat their enemy. Corren, the eldest brother, is a powerful wizard whose ambitions threaten to ruin them all.

As the Phoenix’s regeneration and only time of vulnerability nears, their quest to find out what they must do to protect it, what role their elusive stones play, and who their enemy truly is leads them deep into worlds of hidden magic. Once they learn their enemy is Corren’s powerful sage, Aradia, they fear they are destined to fight a battle they cannot win. But fight they will. They decide they must prevent Aradia from breaking through the magical Gateway leading to the Realm of the Phoenix, and draw on every military and magical resource available to defend it.

Meanwhile, Corren understands the thirst for power which drives Aradia, and fears the same corruptive desires lurk in his own heart. Struggling to release his ambitions (which include the crown meant for Marcellus), Corren realizes his stone may grant them victory but claim his life in the process.

Struggling to overcome Aradia’s betrayal, her horrific evil, and the strife which still exists between them, they suffer an astounding failure. Aradia shatters through the Gateway and the Three ultimately confront her in the Realm of the Phoenix where they must unite, or perish.


DragonChick said...LOL! Evileditress is DEFINITELY her new name! Actually, she doesn't call herself the Cunning One - it's just how she is referred to in a warning delivered by the Phoenix. I can see how that was confusing though, so I'm just taking "the Cunning One" out of the query. The Phoenix is only vulnerable as it is dying, before it regenerates, so that is why it needs defenders. I don't know if that comes across in the other version I posted - of if that's even enough information.

Am I even speaking in complete sentences? My brain is so fried, LOL.


Phoenix said...Hey Dragonchick, maybe think cause and effect as you do revision 101. When A happens, B results. Here are some things I think are missing from both versions:

We know the Phoenix's vulnerability and that it possesses magic and immortality. But why must it be protected? What happens if it isn't protected? What are the stakes for the land or the world, which is what epic fantasy is all about? Why are the men willing to risk themselves to protect it?

Aradia feels like a very stock villain. She wants to claim the Phoenix's powers to what end? Does she want to be a ruler? Are Mar and Cor's inheritances threatened by her? What makes her a villain I want to read about? Telling me she's a horrific evil isn't good enough. What horrific evil will she do once she has Phoenix Power?

What happens in the middle of the story? Notice the [Obstacle 1] and [Obstacle 2] in my rewrite? What happens on the way to find the Phoenix? We go from the Phoenix somehow being in danger for vague reasons to the men materializing at the Gateway

If Corren is such a powerful wizard, why do they think they can't win the battle against a powerful sage? Are sages more powerful than wizards?

Good call in ditching the stones in query 1. In the second query, they're just annoying.

If you aren't going to explain something in the query, don't bring it up. For ex, Nic's lady love in the first version (who is she and why is her life endangered?) or that he's had a hidden friendship with earth faeries (why hidden?).

In both versions, Gateway and Realm of the Phoenix (some trees you're seeing) don't carry much meaning for the reader. You want to give a peek into the world you've created, but you need to be a bit more concrete in your descriptions. Both queries use the term "hidden magic" but I'm clueless what that means. What happens in the hidden magic worlds and in the Realm of the Phoenix? Does the magic in these realms start doing funny things to people with magic?

It seems like a LOT to cram into a query letter when the questions are laid out like this, but with careful word choice, careful editing, and a bit of sentence rearranging, you can get a lot of these concepts in without increasing your word count.

The biggest takeaway here is that if this is epic fantasy, the overall stakes must be bigger than the lives of the brothers, though they must play out the drama in microcosm. Tell us what those stakes are in the query.

Good luck!


Pater said......is a multiple-viewpoint epic fantasy...

My question is, is it necessary to state this in a query with multiple main characters? I would think that if the PoV delivery style was really unique then it would be something to mention (or convey in the actual story description), but otherwise just wastes words.

I ask because my current work essentially alternates between two characters chapter by chapter and this query has me wondering if this is something that I need to convey to the agent ahead of time. Thanks.


Evil Editor said...Unless the story is told in first person, there's nothing noteworthy about having more than one POV character, and no mention is necessary.


Whirlochre said...Forgive me, but unless the final outcome of this epic fantasy turns on the subtlest of million-to-one anomalies in the Dwarven Cheese Cycle or the lapsed amnesia of an unfamiliar familiar (and these are crub, crub examples, I know) then I remain interested, yet unbeguiled.

Perhaps it's in the nature of synopses about world-girdling tales of myriad armies and empires, with all their their nefarious subterfuge - particularly if magic is involved - that the ironing restrictions of a brief summary must necessarily flatten out more of the interesting wrinkles than
would be the case with the (say) eagerly flashed harlot's knickers of a Whodunnit.

So - I concur with others - Xenith in particular - that this all sounds a little too familiar, and I
would hope that, in being a synopsis, it hath but an unfortunate exchange a-madeth twixt the tickling of the general fancy and the lopping off of very specific bollocks.

Feedback Requests

New versions of the queries featured in Face-Lift 1191 and Face-Lift 1188 are now posted in the comments there.

Buy This Book. Cure Diabetes.

As usual, Evil Editor will soon be donating his services to the Brenda Novak Auction, which begins May 1. 

Auction site link.


Among my offerings is the following:


Your Book (up to 100,000 words) Edited by EVIL EDITOR, the world's most famous editor.

Last year's winner of this item had the good fortune to quickly land an agent who quickly sold the book to Sourcebooks, and despite the publishing industry's reputation for dragging their feet, the book has just been published.

Of course declaring that last year's auction winner has had the book published should increase the final take this year, but think how much more it would increase if Ms. Novak could declare that the book made the bestseller lists! Dare I think we could be talking seven figures?

Sure, you can help cure diabetes by bidding on Evil Editor this year, but that would make a significant dent in your bank account if you somehow won. And only one person can win an item. But thousands of people can buy the book, making it a huge success and driving this year's bids into the stratosphere.

Here's a link to the book's Amazon page.

You can also get it at your favorite bookstore. You can request it at your library if you prefer not to buy it. You can buy gift copies for your friends and relatives. I foresee not only diabetes, but all diseases being cured as a result of your generosity. Also, you'll probably like the book.

Disclaimer: Evil Editor has no stake, financial or otherwise, in the success of Shooting Stars.

Buy This Book. End World Suffering.

As usual, Evil Editor will soon be donating his services to the Brenda Novak Auction, which begins May 1. 

Auction site link.


Among my offerings is the following:


Your Book (up to 100,000 words) Edited by EVIL EDITOR, the world's most famous editor.

Last year's winner of this item had the good fortune to quickly land an agent who quickly sold the book to Sourcebooks, and despite the publishing industry's reputation for dragging their feet, the book has already been published.

Of course declaring that last year's auction winner has had the book published should increase the final take this year, but think how much more it would increase if Ms. Novak could declare that the book made the bestseller lists! Dare I think we could be talking six figures?

Sure, you can help cure diabetes by bidding on Evil Editor this year, but that would make a significant dent in your bank account if you somehow won. And only one person can win an item. But thousands of people can buy the book, making it a huge success and driving this year's bids into the stratosphere.

Here's a link to the book's Amazon page.

You can also get it at your favorite bookstore. You can request it at your library if you prefer not to buy it. You can buy gift copies for your friends and relatives. I foresee not only diabetes, but all diseases being cured as a result of your generosity. Also, you'll probably like the book.

Also, it should be pointed out that the book's query came through here before being sent to agents, and we have no queries in the queue at present, so what are you waiting for?

Disclaimer: Evil Editor has no stake, financially or otherwise, in the success of Shooting Stars.