Evil Editor's Blog, page 102

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Heart of Desire

1. The love child of the American president and a journalist has the ability to transcend time and space. And the oil companies want her.

2. Two archeologists fall in love while searching for the legendary heart-shaped Ming vase known as the Heart of Desire.

3. Desiré Plum and Harry Hart are engaged. Then one day Harry meets Sally. Can Desiré tear her Harry from a blockbuster movie script?

4. A retired nun explores the facets of love on the back of a Harley. On the front: Cardinal O'Malley.

5. Desiré was just another organ donor, but her heart can change the fate of mankind...if only they can find it.

6. A thirty-something heart transplant patient falls in love with his donor’s wife. With a chapel in the hospital, they waste no time tying the knot.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

It's my understanding from reading your listing in the 2006 Guide to Literary Agents that you're interested in representing thrillers and literary/mainstream fiction. My 91,000-word literary thriller manuscript, Heart of Desire, may be of interest to you.

Set against the backdrop of Washington D.C., several colorful Arizona locations, and, at the story's culmination, Tibet, Heart of Desire has speculative fiction elements, romance, mystery, action, and a multi-ethnic cast of characters. Its themes examine contemporary corporate politics, hardship created by emotional attachment, the power of the human mind, and the quest to understand life's true nature. [In short, it is all genres, all styles, and all things to all people, and should appeal to those who read books, and to those who don't.] My writing style is reminiscent of Barbara Kingsolver meets Dan Brown with some Ray Bradbury thrown in. [Yes, Evil Editor can already see the influence of all of them, and not only them--I'm surprised you didn't also include Philip K. Dick, Emily Dickinson, and Dick Vitale.]

Written in rotating first person POV with a third-person prologue and epilogue, the story takes an intimate look at the lives of six primary characters: Tess Shearer, a reclusive counterculture journalist and single mother of Mikka, an "Indigo" child, Tess's former lover and Mikka's father, U.S. President Harrison Cantrell Henry, a politician with an unusual agenda, Paul Shearer, Tess's clueless, gay brother, [You can't make the gay guy clueless; gay people will protest until all the major chains pull your books from the shelves.] the Reverends Marshall and Savannah Updike, New Age ministers specializing in conspiracy theory, [They preach the doctrine of The Da Vinci Code.] and Carson Hodges, Native seer and spiritual friend. [Carson the friendly ghost.] [You shouldn't be spending an entire paragraph on your characters. You can tell us who they are when you mention them in the plot summary.] The Synopsis:

~~A chance meeting in Phoenix, Arizona between Clintonesque President Harrison Cantrell Henry and reclusive counterculture journalist Tess Shearer [Are you going to describe her as a reclusive counterculture journalist every time you mention her?] [Also, presidents aren't allowed to have chance meetings.] leads to a steamy, unpublicized love affair. [The president has an affair with a journalist, and doesn't suspect her tell-all book will be on shelves three hours after he breaks it off?] Henry ends the relationship after increasing pressure from the tenacious Moral Right [If the affair was unpublicized, how does the Moral Right know about it?] and the ubiquitous Company in a repressive political backlash. Tess disappears into her quiet Arizona life and secretly gives birth to Mikka, a precocious child able to transcend time and space. [She's the new nexus of time travel itself.] The powerful controllers pulling the strings of Earth's petroleum politics soon seek the toddler for a clandestine study. [How do they know Mikka exists, if Tess disappeared and secretly gave birth?] [And even if they know she exists, why would they even suspect she has the power to transcend time and space?] [Why does she have this power?] [Isn't she a little young to be transcending time and space?] [What exactly does it mean to transcend time and space?]

Constitutionally bankrupt after implementation of Patriot Acts I-V, laundered drug profits grease the palms of American political schemers, [How can laundered drug profits be constitutionally bankrupt? Presumably you meant to say the American political schemers were constitutionally bankrupt, although that goes without saying.] bent on control of world oil and mineral supplies. While many Americans are still blind to their nation's dilemma, the world understands the United States is run by a shadow government of financial and military elites. What many inside and outside the U.S. don't realize is that alien masters manipulate the American imperial conquest. [Oh, I think we all know that alien manipulation is the only possible explanation for the state of our government.]

President Henry disappears in a coup disguised as an assassination during the final year of his term, near the anniversary of the JFK murder, [Coincidence? Or predicted by astrology?] just as he tries to act on his unusual political agenda—putting people and the environment before profit [How did this guy get elected?] and giving the American public full disclosure about the UFO enigma. Tess is teased out of retirement to cover the assassination story in Washington, [When the president is giving full disclosure about UFOs and aliens, no one's gonna care about any other stories, including his assassination.] aware of the mortal danger that she and her daughter face.

Frightened by what she learns, Tess flees the federal district for her mountain home, more interested in keeping Mikka's identity and talents a secret [If they're still a secret, why were the oil companies after her?] than in confronting the system that harasses her. Assisted by New Age minister friends versed in the undercurrent of American history, a Native spiritual seer, as well as her hapless gay brother, the unwitting dupe of a Company agent, Tess manages to stay one step ahead of her nefarious pursuers. The lovers' lives collide again in the back country of Yavapai County, Arizona, where they grapple with their personal desires and chances for survival, as their small daughter makes a mysterious, transcendental Tibetan journey. [If transcending time and space means suddenly finding yourself stuck in Tibet in 1948, Mikka can have the power.] [The president disappears, then turns up in Arizona, and doesn't immediately come forward?] ~~

The sequel to Heart of Desire will be The Fifth Revolution. The sequel's premise concerns the failure of the current petroleum-based world economy and the patriarchal paradigm that supports it - an earth doomed to chaos until a movement supported by a variety of brave bodhisattvas [Vinegar comes in varieties; brave Bodhisattvas come in bands, for alliterative purposes.] restore the earth's balance, thus initiating the dawn of an enlightened era.

[Lengthy paragraphs of credits deleted by EE because this is already way too long.]

Thank you for opportunity to share my work. This is a simultaneous query. I'd be happy to supply a chapter synopsis and/or a partial manuscript if you're interested.


Notes

It isn't clear whether the focus is on government conspiracy or on Tess and her daughter. If it's both, the query should probably focus on Tess, as that seems more interesting.

In an attempt to reduce the length, consider that there isn't much in paragraphs 2, 3, 5, or 8 that we can't do without.

I was going to say that the title sounds more like a romance novel than a thriller, but a check with Amazon reveals that other books with this title are in the self-help genre.

What does Mikka do that reveals her ability to transcend time and space? 

Selected Comments

S. W. Vaughn said...This may well be an interesting story, author. You certainly have a lot happening -- but I'm with EE on the focus thing.

As a reader I find it amazing that you were able to pack this much story into 91,000 words! :-)


corydon said...How can a journalist be reclusive?


Novelust said...*Deep breath* Take out the politics.

It's obviously near and dear to the author's heart, but the weight given to those elements undermines the query. You don't need to take the time out to explain what an evil shadow government does, or how the evil oil tycoons are paying them off, or that evil alien overlords are controlling them. Oil men, aliens, shadow government = bad. We got it. You can explain in your book.

The gay brother. He's clueless and gay, then he's hapless and gay? Is that really the length and breadth of his character? Meet Paul, the homosexual blockhead! Um. I'd think about changing that in your query. You might treat him like an absolute peach in your novel, but this makes it look like he's been borrowed from the Big Book of Stereotypes.

Also, the plot seemed like it began with the Presidential coup/assassination. Big event, sets things in motion - if your novel does begin with this event, I'd suggest starting your query with it. (If not... can the Moral Right drive apart Tess and the President with a car chase or two? The hapless, gay Paul can accidentally drive a squad car through a barn full of chickens -Oh, that wacky Paul! What will he think of next?)


Me said...How is this a "Literary thriller"? This sounds like a dystopian sci-fi. Aliens, the time traveling kid, futuristic setting, think about it.

As for the politics, subtlety is not your strong suit that's for sure.


kis said...After the ubiquitous Company that secretly runs America puts an end to her affair with President Harrison Cantrell Henry, journalist Tess Shearer disappears into a quiet Arizona life. There she gives birth to Harrison's daughter, Mikka, born with the unexpected ability to transcend time and space. But the corporate forces that pull the strings in government want Mikka for their own ends, and Tess must enlist the help of blahbiddy blah and blah, as well as her naive gay brother, to escape.

And now--just as he is about to reveal to an ignorant public the manipulation of aliens on American foreign policy--the president vanishes in a staged assassination. When he and Tess meet again in the wilds of Arizona, Tess must choose between her duty as a human being, and her responsibility to protect her daughter from those who would use her power for evil.

Can she keep her daughter safe long enough to save the world?

There ya go. Best I could do in five minutes.


Kirsten said...I see bestseller written all over this one . . . I also agree that the politics part has to be toned down tho.


WM said...Why is it the more lunatic the idea the more people think it will succeed? Is it just, "This is so crazy people will have to read it just to see how nuts it gets!"


Mad Scientist Matt said...WM, I believe you've described Clive Cussler's formula for his success perfectly.


Watercolorz said...Why is it the more lunatic the idea the more people think it will succeed?
Personally I like off center plots, with wacky characters. But then I was weaned on John Irving so you probably got to blame my mom for that one, rest her soul.

I sympathize with the struggles in this query because I think that it is difficult for an author to condense the ideas of their work when the plot isn’t traditional or straightforward.

And then kis comes along and pulls an Amadeus move… now I understand why Salieri was so bitter.


Anonymous said...So seriously, a baby with the unexpected ability to transend space and time? How is that written in a revolving 1st person perspective? From Tess? "Oh, DAMN! Where did I put that baby again? Was it in my reclusive den or was it in pre WW II Nazi Germany?" or the baby? "Goooooooo gaaaaahhhhh oh yummy caveman turds!"


The hapless gay brother as an unwitting dupe? I picture Harvey Fierstein reviving Jackie Gleason's "The Poor Soul." (And how's that for an obscure, old-skewing reference?)

I think you have to refrain in your query from comparing your style to anyone else's, least of all the author of the biggest-selling novel in years and one of the most revered science fiction writers of all time. You'll be attaching sample pages, right? Let the agents come up with their own comparisons.

President Harrison Cantrell Henry... Wasn't William Henry Harrison the real U.S. president who died four weeks after taking office? Speaking only for myself, it would be great if you turned out to be the world's foremost scholar on President Harrison, and sprinkled in all manner of William Henry Harrison tidbits. Otherwise, I found the name distracting. How about just Harrison Cantrell?

Good luck with your book.


katwrite said...Very helpful, all. I thank you, Evil Editor and your faithful commenting minions. I appreciate the time you've taken to critique and counsel. I see the error of my ways. . . hopefully the novel is better written than the synopis - eight years on the novel and just weeks on the query and synopsis.

Hmm, in addition to serious revision, perhaps I should also fire my crit group! :} Just joshing, they don't know what to do with me, either.

Clueless author


Anonymous said...This thing has more plot holes than you can shake a stick at and it's far from focused. Try to choose one genre (the one which most of the book can be categorized with) --I'd say it's a thriller and cut the name dropping. It's better to let the writing do the talking instead of telling us your writing is like that of X, Y, and Z. That takes precious space on your paper.


Anonymous said..."Man, I have so much to say about the environment and how very, very evil and wrong the US government is. How can I get my message out there, because nobody's ever heard such a message before?

"I know, I'll write a novel! I can create a bunch of characters and make them do whatever I want, and I'll Stick It To The Man! And just so nobody suggests my overcrowded, plotless mishmash of a million different things I read in Fortean Times is just a dummy story for me to trick people into believing what I want them to believe, I'll throw in a gay guy who's dumb as a post so people won't know my secret ultra-leftist agenda!


Anonymous said...Actually, dear watercolorz, I deeply appreciate the empathy, but think the sloppiness of my query was not due so much to trying to condense the idea of a plot, for I had a coherent logline for my story, but in reading voluminous agent and publisher listings, forgetting the forest in the sea of trees. Rather unminionly of me, especially since I've written dozens of succint queries for my other published work. I worried about conveying enough information in the initial query - the story is different in its approach and I felt insecure about it, not wanting agents to envision a more genre-like thriller. Among other insecurities . . .

Yesterday at dawn I whipped out my dastardly revision sword and thrust it through the undeserving swine of untightened query prose, inspired by Sir/Lady Kis and his/her 5-minute recap (do you tremble, oh Evil at the apprentice's skill?) Armed with a leaner, meaner letter, I electronically cast it upon the waters to a group of agents hungry for action. One out of seven replied by the setting sun, asking for fifty pages of my dully titled tale (the first working title was worse, but I haven't been struck by the bolt of the title muse lately.)

Better than the one request in twenty I'd received before - I dare not think of the raucous laughter my other letter must have engendered at the inbox of suffering agents. Snark! Did the one who asked for three chapters have all her wits, seeing a diamond in the lump of coal or did she wish to amuse herself with writerly incompetence?

Oh Evil One, in a previous face-lift you told a writer you'd hold fast and take a second look at revised queries. My new, more humble, and already successful query looks like this:

Dear Agent in Shining Armor:

Because you're looking for new talent in mainstream and literary fiction, including thrillers, you may be interested in my 92,000-word speculative thriller manuscript, Heart of Desire:

Retired counterculture journalist Tess Shearer returns to her quiet life in Arizona bearing a secret after her steamy, unpublicized love affair with Clintonesque President Harrison Cantrell Henry. She gives birth to Mikka, an "Indigo" child with the mysterious ability to transcend time and space. When Henry disappears in a staged assassination as he attempts to act on his unusual political agenda - full disclosure of the UFO enigma - Shearer flees her mountain home, pursued by the powerful shadow government who wants Mikka for their own ends. The lovers' lives collide again in the Arizona wilderness, where they grapple with their personal desires and chances for survival.

I've written the story in rotating first person POV, delving into the lives of six primary characters. It is set against the backdrop of Washington D.C., several colorful Arizona locations, and at the story's culmination, Tibet.

Two paragraphs of tightened credits appear here.

Thank you for opportunity to share my work. I'd be happy to mail a synopsis and partial if you're interested.

What think ye, Evil One? Is this parchment one that might allow a glimmer of kindness into your heart?

Clueless Author


Evil Editor said...This is much better. You could get by with one short paragraph of credits (at most), and I still don't see how the shadow government and Exxon know the baby exists and is special, but I'm confident this is explained fully in the book.

kis said...yeah, much better. Hook them with the plot right away, then explain the rotating pov.

I wrote a big story, too, with several plot threads, all vital to the way it turns out. But my query had to focus mainly on the one thread that was most important. I mentioned the others in passing, but designated one sentence--or even half of a sentence--to each one. That gives a feel for the hugeness of the story, without bogging the query reader down in loads and loads of info. Because no matter how well you write a query, no one's reading it for pleasure. Hopefully that's what the book's for! ;)


Anonymous said...Thanks for the rebound assistance.

Yikes - missed the errors in my previous post. Still combing through the first ten pages of my manuscript - a NY agent of my queried seven requested those by e-mail this morning. Have I fooled them into thinking they're getting something grand? Yow!

Clueless Author

Face-Lift 1203

Guess the Plot

The Art of Blending In

1. A Vita-Mix cookbook for the serial killer in us all. Hilarity ensues.

2. Misfit Leland just doesn't fit in with the popular crowd. Adam tries to help him blend in, but Leland likes his individuality. Somehow these opposites develop a friendship that lasts long after they both want want it to end.

3. Angeleno Aliby Jackson had no idea that the man who ran in front of her Prius was a major player in a Mexican drug cartel. She's had to ditch the Prius, the place near Malibu, cut her hair and go--to Marion, Iowa. Can her hunky police protector Jay make up for going from assistant stylist's aide to coordinator of the 'Swamp Fox Festival'?

4. Fake up a bodysuit, dye it red, add horns and tail; steal a pitchfork and a bottle of eau de rotten egg; and next time TAKE THE LEFT TURN AT ALBUQUERQUE. Also, Satan.

5. Julia had a spatula… and she knew how to use it. Taking a page from a certain brutish barber, she chopped up her rivals on the food network and turned them into light and fluffy confectionery treats. The trick was all in how you added the ingredients. There was a knack, or rather, an…ART OF BLENDING IN.

6. I'm a private eye. I make my living tailing cheating spouses and white-collar criminals. You think it's easy not getting made when the person you're following is paranoid about being followed? You gotta blend into the crowd. It's an art. This is my story.

7. Art had been a line chef for six years to the pompous, credit hogging Master Chef Kral Ramset. Stir, stir, stir. That's all he ever did. And beat. If Kral asked him to beat one more piece of Kral's rubbery old meat, Art had half a mind to beat him, instead. That is, until Kral turned up dead one night in the kitchen, his head bashed in with Art's knobby wooden steak mallet. Now it was up to Art to blend in and avoid the cops until he could find out who the real killer was -- or get sent to the stir for good.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Leland Blakely is a loner, an outcast, and a complete misfit. Everyone at school knows that. After all, if he wants friends, why doesn't he try to get to know people? [That makes more sense if you just call him a loner; outcasts and misfits may well want friends.]

When Adam Fargis reads Leland's journal, [Without permission, I assume?] he expects to find pages of rants against the popular kids. Instead, he finds accounts of how Leland actually did try to make friends and get involved in something -- anything. But each plan is labeled a failure, with reasons such as "shyness" or "I blew it [," or "I never shoulda told them about my aspirations to be a suicide bomber]."

Now that he knows Leland isn't the bitter crybaby everyone thinks he is, [Where did anyone get the idea he's a bitter crybaby? What has he been crying about?] Adam is determined to help him out. He and his childhood friend Katrina befriend Leland, and the three of them try "normal people" things: an afternoon at a coffee shop, [That's normal for school kids? I'd go with the mall.] a video game tournament, even tryouts for their school football team. [Katrina tries out for the football team?]

Adam's goal is just to find a place where Leland can fit in. [Preferably a place Adam never goes so he can be rid of this loser.] Leland, on the other hand, seems very comfortable where he is now. Adam must decide whether to continue this friendship as it is, or reveal his ulterior motives [His motive is to help Leland fit in. What are his ulterior motives? The term suggests that Adam wants something out of this relationship that he's kept hidden from Leland so far. Like a date with Leland's hot sister.] just to get Leland off his back. [To get Leland off Adam's back? We need a stronger clue that Leland is an annoyance to Adam. If anything, it's been suggested that Leland would be happier with Adam off his back.]

THE ART OF BLENDING IN is a contemporary young adult novel complete at 60,000 words. The full manuscript is available for request. Thank you for your consideration. [I would consider changing it from blending in to fitting in. Fitting in means being accepted as part of the gang. Blending in suggests not wanting to be noticed, which may be true of some of those who fit in, but not most of them.]

Sincerely,

(Not part of the query: the title comes from a conversation Adam and Leland have, where Adam is arguing that it is possible to blend in without losing your individuality. Leland replies that anyone who could do that is a natural con artist.)



Notes

This works if Leland is a werewolf, but you should probably mention that in the query.

Choose a main character and focus on his problem and what he does about it. If the MC is Leland, the problem is either that he has no friends and wants some or that he is happy where he is now but Adam keeps butting into his life. If the MC is Adam, the problem is either that he feels sorry for Leland and wants to help, or that he can't get rid of Leland now that he's befriended him.

You can probably set up the conflict in three or four sentences. Then you need to tell us what happens. Does something bad happen to someone? Is there a villain? We have the characters, now we need a story to go with them.

Face-Lift 1202

Guess the Plot

Pretty Bird

1. His basketball playing career over, Larry Bird returns home to Indiana where he philosophizes on love, life, and what to do about Lance Stephenson.

2. When two twelve-year-old boys break into a pet store at night and release all the dogs from their cages, they think no one will suspect them. But they didn't count on Chester the parrot repeating everything they said in the store. To the cops.

3. Carmen the toucan pines for her home and family in the Amazon rainforest from her cage in the suburbs, shedding her feathers with stress. Ruby the Siamese has no ambition other than to open the cage and get a snack. Timmy doesn't care what happens as long as he can harass Ruby. Can Carmen manipulate the four-legged ones and secure her release before the human on-sells her to the taxidermist?

4. A parrot is loose in Elsa's luxury apartment building. It flies into the ritzy steak house next door, lands on someone's shoulder, and poops on the floor. Everyone watches the parrot get stabbed to death by a masked man in black. It's the Pretty Bird killer again!

5. When Pretty Bird shows up in the village, Hungry Crow is entranced. But before he even has one date with her, she's murdered. With no detective skills, Hungry Crow's only hope of solving the crime is to get a shaman to bring Pretty Bird back to life so he can ask her who murdered her.

6. She was a pretty bird; most birds were. But there was more to life than just being pretty. What about fulfillment, and romance? What about that studly cock next door? With him at her side she’d be the top biddy in the barnyard. And that ain’t chicken feed…




Original Version

When Pretty Bird came to the village, all the people loved her. The young men tried to woo her with gifts of game, corn, [Pretty Bird, I brought you this dead moose and 3 ears of corn. Now will you date me?] jewelry or moccassins, [moccasins] but she ignored them. Instead she remained a modest, quiet [boring] young woman who seemed to keep to herself. ["Seemed" meaning she wasn't really keeping to herself?]

Black Elk, a hunter, and Hungry Crow, a young man, both have eyes for her. [I suspect everyone in the tribe does some hunting, and "a young man" tells us nothing new, as you've already said it was the young men who were wooing her, so drop the descriptors.] One night Black Elk meets with her and an affair starts. But while he is off hunting, someone murders Pretty Bird. [I see no reason the first paragraph needs to be in past tense. For that matter, I see no reason we can't dump the first paragraph and open: Black Elk and Hungry Crow both have eyes for Pretty Bird, the modest, quiet woman who just moved into their village.]

Hungry Crow wants to find out who killed the beautiful young woman, so he follows eagles, visions and the Road to see a cacique, a shaman-chief, who can help. He is given the things [A less-vague word like "spells" or "talismans" would be better than "things." Or you could be truly specific and say The cacique gives him a buffalo ear, an eagle feather and some corn, along with instructions on how to restore....] necessary to restore Pretty Bird to life. Will this bring him love--or will he unleash a great horror? [If our goal is to sell books, I recommend unleashing the great horror.]

Drawing from archeology, Puebloean folklore, and my own experiences in the Southwest, "Pretty Bird: A Tale of Mesa Verde" is a novella. It will appeal to those with an interest in our Southwestern heritage.

Sample chapters are attached. Thank you!

Note--the people of Mesa Verde were the ancestors of the people living in various Pueblos today. They do not call themselves 'Anasazi', because that means 'ancient enemy'. The Navaho who drove them from their lands call them that, and unfortunately archeology does, too. Modern Pueblo Indians find the word insulting. [Whether that's a note to EE or part of the query, it feels weird insofar as the term "Anasazi" hasn't been mentioned.] [Also, there must be a reason spellcheck has twice let you get away with spelling archaeology without the second "a," but I'd go with the more common (in the US, at least) spelling.]


Notes

Where did Pretty Bird come from? She just shows up alone one day, moves in, and ignores everyone? Did such things happen in this culture?

If it were Black Elk trying to find out who killed Pretty Bird, then we would have a potential suspect in Hungry Crow. But with Hungry Crow investigating the murder that was committed while Black Elk was off hunting, we have nothing. Why isn't Black Elk the one trying to solve the murder? He's the one who finally won Pretty Bird's heart. Or was it just a one-night stand?

"Hungry Crow" sounds like an insulting name. Not as insulting as "Anasazi," but still...

On the other hand, Hungry Crow sounds like the main character. Do we even need Black Elk in the query? We could just open: When Hungry Crow's latest crush Pretty Bird is murdered, he consults a shaman, who shows him how to bring his true love back to life but also warns him that she could come back as a fire-breathing wolverine.

If you don't want to go the horror route, you could make this the start of a mystery series with Hungry Crow as your detective. He solves crimes with his amazing tracking skills. And he has a French sidekick named Hercule Pueblo.

What we need is more plot details. Does Hungry Crow try the shaman's method? What goes wrong? What does he do about it? Is someone trying to obstruct the "investigation"? Did anyone have a motive for murdering Pretty Bird?

Kanye Zone for Oculus Rift

Fake Plots Needed...

...for the titles in the Query Queue.

Confession 3

Public ConfessorI'm a serial killer.

Okay, I know that sounds bad, but that's because we get a lot of bad press. Plus, there are so many TV shows trying to make their serial killers more creatively insane than the serial killers on other TV shows (You've got Criminal Minds, Those Who Kill, Hannibal, Dexter, and I could go on and on) that you could get the impression all serial killers are geniuses.

Anyway, I'm like Dexter in that I try to only kill other serial killers, so you could say I'm one of the good guys. True, unlike Dexter, I don't have access to police records to help me determine who's truly bad, so I have to go on instinct. If someone strikes me as a possible serial killer, I don't ask questions. I take him out. If I've been right even a third of the time, I figure I've saved more innocent lives than I've taken.

By the way, this "Public Confessor" blog feature is like going to confession in a church, right? Not that I've ever gone to confession, but the rule is you can't reveal anything I say to anyone, right? It's just between you and me and God? Can I trust you? Actually, those muttonchops are rather disturbing. A serial killer would probably grow muttonchops like those.


Penance: You need a vacation somewhere far away, like North Korea. My treat.


Send your true confession as a comment or to evledtr@gmail.com

Confession 2

Public ConfessorThey were showing Casablanca one night only on the big screen at the Classic Cinema and I told my husband Bill I wished we could go because it's my favorite movie, but of course we couldn't because our best friends the Harpers were coming over for dinner at eight o'clock. Then I came up with a plan.

I burned the chicken.

I figured the Harpers would decide to leave and go to a restaurant and we could make the nine o'clock showing. But Sally Harper suggested we just order a pizza from Dominos. I needed a Plan B fast, so I started yelling at Bill that he should have reminded me to take out the chicken. He caught on and yelled back and pretty soon we were having this big brawl on the living room floor. Bill started choking me and when the Harpers finally pulled him off me I pretended to be unconscious.

Sally said she was gonna call an ambulance but I "came to" and said I was okay and she said she was gonna call the cops on Bill, but I talked her out of it, saying it was all a misunderstanding and Bill was in therapy to control his temper.

Anyway, the Harpers left and we made it to Casablanca, but I've always felt a little bad because we lost our best friends, partly because of the fight, and partly because when the movie ended and we got up to leave we discovered the Harpers were sitting two rows behind us.


Penance: Watch the colorized version of Casablanca on TV while eating a giant tub of McNuggets.


Send your true confession as a comment or to evledtr@gmail.com
 

Confession 1

Public ConfessorI killed a man once.

I was standing at a bus stop many years ago, minding my own business, when this guy comes up to me and asks me to sign a petition. It was a petition demanding that music with violent or obscene lyrics be taken off the shelves of music stores. "All those vulgar rock ’n’ roll lyrics are warping kids’ minds," he tells me, "and turning them into violent animals."

I told him I’d been listening to hard-core rock music all my life, and he said that it had probably warped my mind. Well, of course I wasn’t gonna stand there and take that. So I slipped a Twisted Sister tape into my Walkman, turned the volume up to full blast, and shoved him into the path of the oncoming bus.

Later that night, in my jail cell, I got to thinking, maybe the music we listen to does affect our actions. I recalled that I had once barbecued chicken after hearing "Light My Fire. I once almost quit my job after hearing "Take This Job and Shove It." I once did it in the road after hearing "Why Don’t We Do It in the Road."

One time I was sitting in my living room, listening to a Jimmy Buffet album, when a song came on called "Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw?" and I became so aroused I went into the kitchen, chugged an entire bottle of wine, and went looking for my wife in the back of the house.

Unfortunately, when I found her, she had the radio on. She was listening to "Beat It!”


Penance: Four hours of non-stop listening to Peter Gabriel songs.

 
Send your true confession as a comment or to evledtr@gmail.com.

Blog Change

It's been two weeks since I had a query to post, and a month since we had a New beginning. Obviously no aspiring writers need our help. Our job is done.

Having foreseen this happenstance, I now move on to a higher calling by becoming . . . Public Confessor.

I hear confession is good for the soul, so I am setting aside some time to save your soul by posting your confession. This is a non-denominational service.*

Simply submit a written account of a sinful act you committed. I will post your confession here so that other sinners may learn from your mistakes. I'll also include my suggested penance. Best of all, you do all this from the comfort of your home or from Starbucks.

You may submit as a comment, but the confession won't appear in the comments; I'll post it at a later date.


* Public Confessor is approved by all major religions. Confess with confidence.

Beach Superstitions

Beach season is upon us. And by "us" I mean those of us in the northern hemisphere. Which, of course,  is the better hemisphere, because of its contributions to art, science, architecture, music, and literature, while the southern hemisphere contributes only penguins. Hey, I'm just kidding. There's also koalas and the Lord of the Rings movies. Speaking of penguins, I watched a movie recently about penguins who have to stand in the same place for months keeping their one egg warm and put up with other birds who try to steal the eggs, and I'm wondering why the cameraman doesn't just shoo the predator away. It's like when Lady Di had twenty minutes to get to the hospital or she'd die, and she spent the whole twenty minutes moaning in her limo while cameramen just took photographs. My point is, the world would be a better place if, instead of everyone harboring nationalistic views in a world with almost 200 countries, we just harbored hemispheristic views. It's gotta be easier for two hemispheres to settle their differences and get along than for all these countries, some of which no one's ever heard of. I'm talking about you, Moldova. Anyway, many people aren't superstitious at all. But most superstitions have a strong basis in fact. Take Friday the 13th. This date has long been considered unlucky because it's believed to be the day Jesus was crucified. And let's face it: any day on which you get crucified is pretty unlucky. But there are probably more superstitions associated with the beach than any other place, and most of them make a lot of sense when you think about them. So let's run through them.

1. If you walk backwards down a fishing pier, you will soon be buying a new pair of shoes.
2. It is bad luck to go swimming in the ocean while wearing a necklace made from hunks of raw meat.
3. Red sky at dawn: nuclear bomb.Red sky at night: terrorists blew up another flight.
4. If a flock of seagulls flies directly over you, you'll soon be washing your hair.
5. When your legs become hopelessly entangled in seaweed while wading in the ocean at three A.M., it is bad luck if the tide is coming in.
6. If you put down a large non-refundable deposit on a cottage, it will rain for precisely the amount of time you have the place.
7. If you step on a conch shell, your middle name will mysteriously change to Chellio.
8. Drop the tray holding your family's sandwiches in the sand, and you will soon be spending a large sum of money in a bad restaurant.
9. If you buy a a swimsuit on sale at the end of beach season and store it in a drawer during the cold months, when you take it out next year it will have mysteriously shrunk two sizes.
10. If a Portuguese Man-of-War becomes trapped in your swim trunks, your sex drive will inexplicably disappear for two months.