Ritu Chowdhary's Blog: Shades of Life

Treacherous trap of Luck

Once there was an enthusiastic young boy, ambitious but not brilliant. He appeared for several engineering entrance exams and wasn’t so hopeful of clearing through any top rung of colleges. The pleasant surprise of his life was he got through the most prestigious one. Luck bestowed on him, and he was the talk of the circle because of Almighty being too generous on him.

He met a beautiful girl in the college, who was from a well-established business family. She fell in love with him. Our boy was average looking, and from a middle-class family. What a stroke of luck again! Such incongruous alliance, which some might refer to as foolishness, I prefer to call as made in heaven, simply because I want to respect the boon of luck by God.

Next, the boy was approved by girl’s father as boy claimed not to be interested in his money, but just his daughter. How lucky! They got married, and unfortunately, after a few years the girl’s father died of heart attack, and she became the sole owner of his business. Like any other dedicated wife she requested her husband to be the COO of her company so that she can take care of the family. Some people never ask for anything, and GOD gives them everything.

Now the life was going good, and our boy had a life which he could never have thought off.Then suddenly there was a blow of luck, and he was inclined to a girl in his office. However, he thought the girl was the best blessing among all the others showered on him. Their affair continued for around four years, and then guess what? He was caught red handed by his wife when he least expected it. She divorced him, chucked him out of the job, and all assets seized in lieu of compensation. The office girl left him because she loved a COO and not a pauper who couldn’t even manage his wife.

He was back to square one, nothing left with him but an engineering degree, which was of no use with such a tainted reputation. When he needed the most, always his own, even luck ditched him.

Don’t think if luck has favored you several times; it will always favor you. Like any other thing, never commit the mistake of taking the luck for granted. The irony is most of the time being lucky makes you ambitious and fearless, and it ignites you to drive the life rashly. There’s a high chance of meeting an accident in such an inebriated state. Don’t fall into the vicious trap of luck. You can even thank GOD if you are not so lucky as long as you have a head on your shoulders.

Hope is the glue of relationships

When last time I wrote about ‘life partner is a matter of chance and not a choice,' I received several reactions on various forums. But, one reaction which compelled me to ponder more over the subject and take it forward was the wise advice of my friend that women should trust their instinct more while choosing a partner, and if something doesn’t feel right, they should feel empowered enough to walk away from a relationship.

It reminded me of an incident that took place around 15 years back. I visited my `newlywed friend, not on a good occasion but to condole his father’s demise. I met his wife for the first time who greeted me in her living room, while her husband (my friend) was to join us in few minutes as he was out somewhere.

I was shocked to hear her next sentence. She started complaining about her husband and that they were not on talking terms for the last two days, as she didn’t figure out in his priority list anywhere, and till late night every day he was busy chatting (yahoo chat was popular in those days) with his pen friends. She grumbled on a few more issues. Being a young girl myself, who believed in the binary nature of relationships, either perfect or nothing, was emotionally distressed to see my fellow female in the wretched state.She was so aggrieved that she ignored the purpose of my visit, even that we were meeting for the first time, our relationship, etc. and vented out in front of me. I couldn’t control myself any further and suggested her the separation from my friend before it gets too late. The girl was well educated, from an affluent family, and the only daughter of her parents, which made her empowered to take any critical decision in such a dire state. No longer could I finish my thoughts, she hopped from the couch with a scowl on her face, and screamed, ‘Are you here to ruin my married life?’I was left wondering about her life, and what was in there to ruin.

Folks, the lesson I learned that day was women express their negative emotions very quickly (even scientifically proved), but their passion of getting attached is much stronger than a man (again shown in a study). So walking away from a relationship is stopped by something more than empowerment. It's to a great extent influenced by attachment and hope.

As they say ‘Love is blind,' there's always a higher possibility of not seeing those red flags at first place, and if somehow you can observe them, hope, the offshoot of love stops you from recognizing it,

Unless it becomes brutal, women’s faith keeps their relationships alive; and most of the times, when their hopes flicker and diminish, it gets too late for them to walk away. Clinging to hope is a matter of culture too. The societies like Indian, teach a lot of patience to their girls, so the longevity of even troubled relationships is more.

Now the men who might read this post shouldn't be so ecstatic about female behavior and take them for granted as stats show something different. A review of the literature on divorce that appeared in the journal American Law and Economics Review in 2000 (I can’t find anything as comprehensive published since then) found that 60 percent to 80 percent of divorces in the U.S. are filed by women.
The World is changing rapidly, so is every culture.

Life Partner is a matter of chance, and not choice

Yesterday I was reading a news item-“Shikha Sharma, CEO, and MD of Axis Bank told graduating students of IIM-A to wisely make three important choices including that of a life partner that will shape their lives.” My first thought was the life partner you get, is a matter of chance, and not the choice. The rationale behind my thinking was very simple, no one is perfect and a ready-made material for anyone; If you try to know your partner completely before making a choice, I bet any wise person would hardly be able to enter in a relationship. So there is always an unrevealed portion for a relationship to formalize.

Here comes the role of chance. Howsoever thoroughly ‘Desired Attributes Analysis’ you do before entering into a relationship, the person unfolds it's true self only when you stay together in a legal alliance.

I was surprised to find the reinforcement of my thoughts within no time. In the afternoon I met a friend of mine who’s getting her house painted. While we were conversing on what all she is doing, I couldn’t control my female instinct of knowing the amount she’s going to pay for the contract, and then it being on the higher side by around Rs 15,000-20,000/-. Before I could even get a chance to purse my lips, she started complaining about her husband, how much is he interfering whenever she’s trying to negotiate or save some money for the house as he finds it too minuscule. Within a flash of light she added, “Whenever I’m buying something for myself, he always finds it too expensive.” I didn’t have any choice but to say, “All men are like that.”

Her sorrow clogged her throat when she said, “Unfortunate part is you only come to know about it after marriage.”

I’m sure there would be umpteen men who would like to share the similar views about their partners. Don’t crib about it guys- It’s a matter of chance and not the choice. Everyone tries to make the best choice.

A few things should never change

We didn’t sleep for several nights together as your sparkling little eyes wanted to explore the world at that time. Our eyes couldn’t stop the flow when you yelled, and we couldn’t find out the reason for it. The only thought occupying our mind was that we needed to do something for you to make you comfortable. We did things for you as you were too small, and couldn’t have done anything yourself.
Then came the time we realized we need to teach you how to do the things on your own as you were growing. Our love didn’t change for you, but it was the need of the hour to change the way we were doing the things for you. We wanted you to grow as an independent person.

We were ecstatic to see you grow into a determined and confident person. You were again exploring the world, but this time with fully developed mind and physical energy. Our love for you hasn’t changed. We still wanted to teach you our experiences, but you only wanted our support.

Finally, you entered into the family life. Our love for you was still the same; you were still our little world. We desired to support you, but now you only wanted us to pray for you as there was someone else to support you.
Your needs were changing, but our love for you hasn’t changed. Before you tell us, we should understand and accept your needs will change, this is life cycle; however, both of us should ensure that nowhere it means that our love for each other has changed.

Everything I do, I do it for me

Have you ever done something good for anyone? I assume everyone would have. What do you feel when you do something for either happiness or betterment of others? Happy! Great! Satisfied! Peaceful! Stressfree! Every other feeling would seem familiar, but stress-free might confuse you. Parents go to any extent to give best to their kids. They think they are doing it for the children. However, if they do not do what they think they can do to improve the lives of their kids, they will be unhappy, and thus stressed at the thought of their children not getting the best because of their limitations. Now, take a minute and think, in all of the above situations, whom have you done good for? The answer should be ‘yourself.’

In most of the cases when we do something for the others, there’s a lingering feeling in our mind that our act is for their welfare, but just now we realized that whatever we do, foremost we do it for our delight. Whether we do it in the name of Love, Duty or Compulsion, in every case, we benefit before anyone else.

If before doing anything for others, we accept in our minds that in reality we are doing it for our self, and no one else, we’ll get rid of the expectation of reciprocation. It could be the easiest way to get relieved of most of the problems in our relationships.

The World needs Ethics and Humanity intelligence before Artifical Intelligence

It all started with Kirkus review of my novel ‘Scars on my Soul.’ In a comment, they said, “She misses an opportunity to locate Adie’s problem within a larger cultural pathology, as some 2,000 women are murdered every year in honor killings in India and Pakistan.”Kirkus is an esteemed reviewing agency, and their reviews are respected. However, my first reaction was that their comment reflects a perception of Western world towards Indian or Asian society, which is biased, as this part of the world is also developing, and not necessarily their issues are always related to their cultural background. Moreover, the story is a work of fiction, and it’s no white paper written on any psychiatric problem.

But then it took me to a different direction altogether, where I was thinking about the state of females in our society, today, and in the primitive times. It’s pathetic, as it is, and always was a male dominated society. I was eager to know more about it in other parts of the world. What I realized, shattered my dignity as a female. In the western world, it might not be an issue of ‘honor killing,' but a crime against females can't be ignored there too. Some stats can give a peep into the state of affairs in the Developed world:
1. Between 40 and 50 percent of women in European Union countries experience unwanted sexual advances, physical contact or other forms of sexual harassment at work.
2. In the United States, 83 percent of girls aged 12 to 16 experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools. (source: http://www.endvawnow.org/en/articles/...)

So, it’s a question of form, and intensity, females are suffering in every society. The World over, people are talking about equal rights for females, a lot being done too by introducing new laws, etc., but this is a much larger issue which needs an overhaul in male and female mentality. Firstly, men need to respect the dignity of females, as a human being, and then females also, need to respect their identity, even if it means sacrificing certain privileges given to them for being females.

How many of you know the opposite (without looking into Google) of ‘henpecked,’ term coined for husbands who are bullied or intimidated by their wives? And if you don’t know then consider yourself as one of those think that dominating a wife is a norm, and doesn’t require the attention of intellectuals.

The value system of every society needs a dose of ethics and humanity intelligence (and not artificial intelligence)to free it from the ventilator system, to save it from collapsing. When God made us all human beings, men have no right to term females as ‘weaker sex’ for their convenience.

You own your life, no one else

Life is like a river, flowing on the surface of relationships. Human feelings are like the gradient of the surface impacting the velocity of the flow. Whatsoever be the surface or its gradient, the river flows on; same way, don’t let your relationships and feelings stop you from living your life, and realizing yourself. Go on now...

Scars on my Soul- Kirkus Review

Kirkus review of Scars on my Soul-
"A perceptive portrayal of jealousy, but the reasons why anyone would be eager to heal Adie’s scars remain fuzzy."
"In Chowdhary’s (Facets of Love, 2014) novel, a handsome, successful Indian man suffers delusions of infidelity concerning the women in his life.
“God has made me a perfect man with hardly any scope for refinement!” crows Aadir “Adie” Chopra, 32, a director for an American bank living in India. But he’s also separated from his wife and lonely. How could this happen to a gem like Adie? His marriage to Presha, a heavy drinker, started off with them impulsively running away to Delhi. After a blissful year of married life, Adie celebrated by spending his life savings—$20,000—on renting an entire Indonesian resort for two nights: “for Presha, I could justify everything.” But there was trouble in paradise when Adie noticed Presha being friendly with a strange man, which he interpreted as “lecherous behavior.” He became morbidly obsessed with her alleged fidelity, despite having no evidence. He drunkenly bit off Presha’s earlobe; set a private investigator to follow her, who found nothing; and alienated his friends and co-workers. Then he brutally killed Presha’s pet rabbit in front of her. He finally lost his job, and Presha’s friends beat him up. His personal assistant, Nikki, helps him, and he repays her by becoming jealous and hitting her young son. At length, Adie consults a psychiatrist, who diagnoses a psychosis called “delusion of infidelity” and prescribes past-life regression therapy to remove the scars on his soul. The book’s depiction of morbid jealousy is psychologically acute. But however much readers accept the idea of past lives influencing psychiatric or character problems, Chowdhary never makes Adie—with his narcissism, grandiosity, selfishness, and cruelty—seem worth saving."

Human life is the most precious gift of GOD on this EARTH, and no matter what, every life is worth saving.
The other day, a friend called me up to give the review of the book, and I asked her if she could find out the reason for saving Adie. I also promptly added, was it not LOVE?
She said," LOVE is okay, but HUMANITY is the greatest reason to save someone.
TRULY AGREE!

Scars on my soul

In Facets of love, I have tried to explore the heart and the mind of different people to reflect their perception about love. The story revolves around Sara and Sidhant, who were bound together by an unrealized feeling of mystical love.

Have you also ever felt connected to a person even without knowing him or her? A feeling which causes restlessness sans attributable reasons. Or for that matter, have you ever identified something in you which was different from your family or the environment; and at times, you just wonder- why are you, the way you are?

In my new novel ‘Scars on my Soul’ I have tried to explore the unexplored dimensions of human relationships– a journey of the soul across births.

It makes one believe that intricacies of human relationships are not only influenced by our present life, but some scars on the soul can have a substantial impact on our current life.

Let me try to write it in scientific terms, which I think most of us with a logical mind would like to believe.

Do you know human feelings like excessive jealousy, hatred, etc. are all mental problems?

Yes, one thing we all would agree to is that they severely impact our relationships.

Medical science says (https://www.sane.org/mental-health-an...), most people with a mental illness do not have family members with the illness. For some mental disorders, there does not seem to be a link at all. For others, such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, a predisposition to the illness may be inherited – but even then, it is only one of several factors. The causes are not fully understood. It is likely that such mental disorders involve a biochemical imbalance and can be triggered by such things as stressful life events, drug abuse, hormonal changes or physical illness.

But, when there’s no identifiable cause, can it be some unfathomed side of human existence- journey of soul across births?