Ritu Chowdhary's Blog: Shades of Life - Posts Tagged "self"

Life is like a river, flowing on the surface of relationships. Human feelings are like the gradient of the surface impacting the velocity of the flow. Whatsoever be the surface or its gradient, the river flows on; same way, don’t let your relationships and feelings stop you from living your life, and realizing yourself. Go on now...

It all started with Kirkus review of my novel ‘Scars on my Soul.’ In a comment, they said, “She misses an opportunity to locate Adie’s problem within a larger cultural pathology, as some 2,000 women are murdered every year in honor killings in India and Pakistan.”Kirkus is an esteemed reviewing agency, and their reviews are respected. However, my first reaction was that their comment reflects a perception of Western world towards Indian or Asian society, which is biased, as this part of the world is also developing, and not necessarily their issues are always related to their cultural background. Moreover, the story is a work of fiction, and it’s no white paper written on any psychiatric problem.

But then it took me to a different direction altogether, where I was thinking about the state of females in our society, today, and in the primitive times. It’s pathetic, as it is, and always was a male dominated society. I was eager to know more about it in other parts of the world. What I realized, shattered my dignity as a female. In the western world, it might not be an issue of ‘honor killing,' but a crime against females can't be ignored there too. Some stats can give a peep into the state of affairs in the Developed world:
1. Between 40 and 50 percent of women in European Union countries experience unwanted sexual advances, physical contact or other forms of sexual harassment at work.
2. In the United States, 83 percent of girls aged 12 to 16 experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools. (source: http://www.endvawnow.org/en/articles/...)

So, it’s a question of form, and intensity, females are suffering in every society. The World over, people are talking about equal rights for females, a lot being done too by introducing new laws, etc., but this is a much larger issue which needs an overhaul in male and female mentality. Firstly, men need to respect the dignity of females, as a human being, and then females also, need to respect their identity, even if it means sacrificing certain privileges given to them for being females.

How many of you know the opposite (without looking into Google) of ‘henpecked,’ term coined for husbands who are bullied or intimidated by their wives? And if you don’t know then consider yourself as one of those think that dominating a wife is a norm, and doesn’t require the attention of intellectuals.

The value system of every society needs a dose of ethics and humanity intelligence (and not artificial intelligence)to free it from the ventilator system, to save it from collapsing. When God made us all human beings, men have no right to term females as ‘weaker sex’ for their convenience.

Have you ever done something good for anyone? I assume everyone would have. What do you feel when you do something for either happiness or betterment of others? Happy! Great! Satisfied! Peaceful! Stressfree! Every other feeling would seem familiar, but stress-free might confuse you. Parents go to any extent to give best to their kids. They think they are doing it for the children. However, if they do not do what they think they can do to improve the lives of their kids, they will be unhappy, and thus stressed at the thought of their children not getting the best because of their limitations. Now, take a minute and think, in all of the above situations, whom have you done good for? The answer should be ‘yourself.’

In most of the cases when we do something for the others, there’s a lingering feeling in our mind that our act is for their welfare, but just now we realized that whatever we do, foremost we do it for our delight. Whether we do it in the name of Love, Duty or Compulsion, in every case, we benefit before anyone else.

If before doing anything for others, we accept in our minds that in reality we are doing it for our self, and no one else, we’ll get rid of the expectation of reciprocation. It could be the easiest way to get relieved of most of the problems in our relationships.

Yesterday I was reading a news item-“Shikha Sharma, CEO, and MD of Axis Bank told graduating students of IIM-A to wisely make three important choices including that of a life partner that will shape their lives.” My first thought was the life partner you get, is a matter of chance, and not the choice. The rationale behind my thinking was very simple, no one is perfect and a ready-made material for anyone; If you try to know your partner completely before making a choice, I bet any wise person would hardly be able to enter in a relationship. So there is always an unrevealed portion for a relationship to formalize.

Here comes the role of chance. Howsoever thoroughly ‘Desired Attributes Analysis’ you do before entering into a relationship, the person unfolds it's true self only when you stay together in a legal alliance.

I was surprised to find the reinforcement of my thoughts within no time. In the afternoon I met a friend of mine who’s getting her house painted. While we were conversing on what all she is doing, I couldn’t control my female instinct of knowing the amount she’s going to pay for the contract, and then it being on the higher side by around Rs 15,000-20,000/-. Before I could even get a chance to purse my lips, she started complaining about her husband, how much is he interfering whenever she’s trying to negotiate or save some money for the house as he finds it too minuscule. Within a flash of light she added, “Whenever I’m buying something for myself, he always finds it too expensive.” I didn’t have any choice but to say, “All men are like that.”

Her sorrow clogged her throat when she said, “Unfortunate part is you only come to know about it after marriage.”

I’m sure there would be umpteen men who would like to share the similar views about their partners. Don’t crib about it guys- It’s a matter of chance and not the choice. Everyone tries to make the best choice.