Roxanne Modafferi's Blog, page 6

Halloween Costume sparring (adult), Halloween BJJ (kids), My H. party, Invicta FC fight, kids tourney

It’s been super busy lately, and I feel like I’m really living my life as hard as I can! lol Saturday October 25th, Syndicate hosted it’s annual “Costume Sparring.” We have open mat for anyone, even non-gym members, but the Saturday before Halloween, people are invited to wear their costumes and kickbox.

I danced to country music! Training stuff – smash or be smashed, Calderwood-Wood, Enlightened

I’ve had a pretty great few weeks. I’ve been making improvements in my technique all around. It’s easy to just type that, but it means the following:

Teacher explained it. I couldn’t do it. Teacher explained again. I sort of did it. I drilled it countless times. I tried it and failed it in sparring and got smashed. I cried in the locker room. I tried it again in sparring and sort if fudged it up and got smashed but less smashed. I tried it again, was able to do it somewhat successfully, and didn’t really get smashed.

It’s the most painful yet most satisfying process I’ve ever gone through. That’s what motivates me to go to the gym every day.

Lately I’ve been focusing on striking, so failure means taking a lot of hard head and body shots. (Don’t tell my parents that, mm’k?) Thankfully I don’t have partners who try and knock me out. Yay Team Syndicate. I’m always thankful for my Cryohelmet that lives in my freezer. I bring it to the gym and put it on after practice.

JoJo has one, too. https://www.cryohelmet.com/

Speaking of JoJo, big congrats to her and my coach John Wood for their engagement. They are really happy, so I’m happy for them!

Busy September: my move, Kitana, birthday, Kentucky wedding, jiujitsu kids

Man, I haven’t written anything for a September blog yet!

A big event happened in my life, and that was my move. I decided to move into a one-bedroom apartment a little closer to the gym. I’ve lived with my mom or a roommate since I quit my job teaching English in Japan and moved back to the States. It’s been a long, difficult process and has actually cost me a lot emotionally and financially, but I’m doing my best to make it worth it.

I love my new place. I finally decorated and is starting to feel more like home the more time I have to just chill out and relax here. In the first few weeks, I was still unpacking and scurrying around busily doing chores.

I broke my current apartment’s lease so I had to give a two month notice (which sucks because it’s making me pay an extra month of useless rent) and penalty of two months-worth of rent. (owch) But I had until the end of October. Therefore, I made my move was a three step process: 1) pack and load small boxes into the car and bring small loads every day over the course of a week. 2) Rent a truck and move larger boxes and small furniture items like my card table, chairs, trash can, etc. 3) elicit the help of big strong teammates to carry my sofa, book shelf, and massage chair.

Step 1 went fine.

For step 2, I didn’t ask anybody but my jiujitsu friend Charlie and my other jiujitsu friend G volunteered to help. THANK YOU SO MUCH! It took way less time thanks to you guys, and it was nice to have company throughout the stressful rental truck situation.

So I have a running joke that rental companies never have the size I wanted. IT’S TRUE, though! I reserved with UHaul once and they gave me a small truck. wth That’s why I CALLED and MADE a reservation. It was bad… then once I used Penske and they ALSO did not give me the size I wanted. They tried to give me a huge one but I was too scared to drive it, so I got a tiny one and it took me forever. Therefore I thought, Okay let’s try Budget. How bad could it be? IT WAS BAD. First of all, they kept me waiting AN HOUR with a guy walking around basically doing nothing but staring at trucks, but the staff at the front desk were saying he was getting it ready. No he wasn’t. I was watching him walk in circles. We got to listen to another customer get completely screwed out of a rental because they said he couldn’t take a fork-lift style gate loader out of the state. Why not? Then they tried to change my reservation to three days instead of the two I had, “just in case.” No, there is no just in case. I will 100% be done on Sunday. wth Budget, you SUCK. I want my money back. lol Anyway, I was just calling Uhaul on the phone when a manager pulled up and helped me and got me the truck WHICH WAS NOT THE SIZE I WANTED.

I exercised my bravery to drive that thing, which had no rear-view-mirrors. I ended up making a u-turn and had to three point turn in the middle of the intersection once… AAAAAH. But I did it and didn’t have an accident. Yay.

G and Charlie helping me load and unload

Okay so thanks G and Charlie for step two on Friday.

Then that evening my fan-turned sponsor-turned friend Rob aka Robvark from Aardvark Painting came to visit for the weekend!

Japan trip 2019!

I enjoyed my trip to Japan a lot. I had a few things that bummed me out in my personal life, so I spent a lot of time trying not to be sad and just enjoy my trip. I also missed my kids class and worried about them a lot. I guess that’s what being an adult is. You’re never truly 100% able to relax ever.

I departed on Friday morning, Aug 30th, and landed in Japan Saturday afternoon, Aug 31st. I did what I usually do – check in to my tiny business hotel, and then go shopping in Lazona for food, 100 yen items, and stuff I stock up on to bring back home, like furikake, tea, a bowl for my salads, etc.

Sunday morning, I went to Groundslam and took Kimura-san’s 9 AM MMA general member class. I’ve really been enjoying that class because it’s so structured. He has everybody shadow box to warm up, then people hold mitts for each other, then light sparring, then some kind of grappling or wrestling technique of the day. Kimura-san is to the right side of me, and I really enjoyed training with the dude to my left.

After that, I went to Kawasaki Daishi and enjoyed eating black sesame ice cream, and visiting my favorite sembei shop. Unfortunately, the owner who I usually chat with wasn’t in. :/ I also couldn’t go with my friend I usually go with. Sadness. But I tried to enjoy! I was in Japan, baby!

holding roasted rice cracker in front of the Shrine

Sunday evening I met up with my friend Meiko, who is a former Berlitz English student, and we went to see DEEP JEWELS together!

With Meiko at DEEP Jewels

I fought on that show a few times! Thank you, Saeki-san and Shu-san, for getting me tickets!

Hope and growth! My last two weeks were full of action

I felt so down on myself after my last fight. A fighter’s perception of the fight is always always different than other observers. In my mind, I tried to take Jennifer down off the cage the entire fight, and she muscled me around. It was a horrible, boring fight full of nothing but failure on my part.

I wanted to pretend the fight never happened. I didn’t want to rewatch it. The week after, I tried to hang out with friends as much as possible and do kids private lessons for those who needed it.
After I came back from Otakon (the anime convention), I decided that it would be too much of a waste if I didn’t try to watch and find something to improve. In my perception, there was nothing, though. I had a great training camp. I trained for the moves she did, like double underhooks, striking combos, etc. I trained for her but still couldn’t win, so it was stupid and pointless.

“If you don’t rewatch it, then that fight was for absolutely nothing. You know you have to watch it,” I told myself.

Fine. So I steeled myself to relive that traumatic 15 minutes.
Guys, a fighter gives everything in themselves to a fight – to a fight prep, to dieting, sacrifices so much, and then gives all their mental and physical energy to the fight. A loss is just so huge and devastating to their hearts. If a fighter is no longer upset by a loss, it’s time to stop fighting.

I only watched the first round, because I knew I’d want to schedule time with Coach John to watch together, and I didn’t want to have to rewatch the whole thing twice.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought. It wasn’t really bad. I felt way better after watching it. My striking didn’t look slow and horrible like my impression. I felt stiff, but it looked okay. I landed a LOT.

Jul 20, 2019; San Antonio, TX, USA; Roxanne Modafferi (red gloves) fights Jennifer Maia (blue gloves) during UFC Fight Night at AT&T Center. Maia won by unanimous decision. Mandatory Credit: Adam Hagy-USA TODAY Sports

Looking back at pictures, most of my shots land clean, and lots of hers bounce off my guard. Wall takedowns weren’t the WHOLE fight either. My right straight looked great. So I feel like I didn’t lose because she beat me, I lost because I failed and she countered me.

She was shorter than me and heavier, and since she missed weight, even HEAVIER, so I should have adjusted my game plan. I couldn’t use the same strategy that I did for Antonina.

Jul 20, 2019; San Antonio, TX, USA; Roxanne Modafferi (red gloves) fights Jennifer Maia (blue gloves) during UFC Fight Night at AT&T Center. Maia won by unanimous decision. Mandatory Credit: Adam Hagy-USA TODAY Sports

I was trying to push on her face and NOT poke her in the eye here, but I couldn’t see, so I went slowly and smushed her face. lol

She also was good at the clinch. Like here. She knows I want to grab her and take her down, so she’s like ‘get the F away from me.’ *smash* hmmmm

Jul 20, 2019; San Antonio, TX, USA; Roxanne Modafferi (red gloves) fights Jennifer Maia (blue gloves) during UFC Fight Night at AT&T Center. Maia won by unanimous decision. Mandatory Credit: Adam Hagy-USA TODAY Sports

I decided that I need to get better in the clinch, or rather, these little key moments in this spacing that’s not quite kickboxing and not quite wrestling. OH! HOW EXCITING!

Otakon 2019 – we went to an anime convention!

The weekend after my fight, I went to Washington DC with my best friend Serena and we participated in Otakon!

First of all, HOW AWESOME and CUTE ARE THESE LITTLE KIDS?!?

Dragon Ball Z cosplay

okay, continuing…

Otakon the “Japanese anime convention for the Otaku generation,” and what I believe is that the age group is mid 20s to late 30s. (except those kids lol) I think it’s because that’s just about when anime like Neon Genesis Evangelion became available on VHS in video stores, and Dragon Ball Z was shown on TV. People of my generation (I’m mid thirties) were shy about even admitting that I liked anime. I had a Dragon Ball Z T shirt but was embarassed to wear it in public when I was in middle school, like it was some secret cult thing. I dunno, seems weird now to say that, but I got teased a lot. haha

It was honestly just what I needed. I’m in a lot of emotional pain from losing my fight, and wanted to train so badly, but couldn’t yet. This was a great distraction and helped me be more positive, although I struggled with feeling a little down still. It was really hard to feel down at such a cool convention, though!

So it was SUPER COOL to see people my age walking around the convention halls, down the streets, and in restaurants and hotels cosplaying (wearing costumes).

UFC San Antonio report and aftermath

Damnit!

Every fight is a life-changing event for a fighter.  A win means money! Fame! Opportunities! You are climbing a mountain and have a great view.  A loss means half the money. Road blocks. Random people telling you you should retire and that you suck. In the multi-verse, a fighter’s life path is so different.

Why did I lose that fight? I asked myself grimly, stepping out of the cage into the darkness. Into the darkness of the arena, into the darkness of my mind. Why?  Tactical errors.  I should have struck with her more. I should have had more confidence in my striking. It shouldn’t matter that the entire world except my coach and my team constantly tells me my striking sucks.

I may not look pretty, but I’m accurate.

She hit me a lot on breaking the clinch, though, but despite expecting that, I couldn’t capitalize or avoid it.

I want to take her down where I know I can win. I’m not point fighting. Maybe I should have point-fought. I should have been more patient.

My weight cut was a little harder than usual this fight.  Was that a factor? I don’t know. Maybe because I gained muscle, or my diet, or whatever, but I struggled to lose those last few pounds of fat I usually do, so I had to cut more water weight. But I did it. I didn’t really feel bad in the cage. Maybe my mind is just making stuff up, searching for reasons. SHE MISSED WEIGHT.  Was that a factor? I don’t know. Was the fact I couldn’t pick her leg up off the ground because she was so heavy, or her skillful weight distribution? Would she have been easier to take down if she didn’t have extra weight?  What did she weigh?  I’ll never know.

btw after I complained on Twitter about nobody ever apologizing to me, Jennifer wrote me a message on Instagram (since we are friends on Instagram) apologizing for missing weight. THANK YOU.

It’s not the UFC’s fault. Every fight offer I get from them is a blessing, and I’m so happy and fortunate. I love fighting for the UFC. I would, however, like to yet again urge Athletic Commissions to allow the missed weight to effect the fight in some way other than just financial, for example, starting the first round with a point taken away.  “Oh you get 30% of her purse!” my fans are trying to cheer me up by saying.  Yeah, a few thousand dollars is great.  You know what else is better?  A win bonus, which is like half a year’s salary for an office worker.

Well, the bottom line is that she fought well, I couldn’t win, so congrats to her and I have to move on.

Now my psyche is haunted by another loss.  I stepped out of the cage, thinking, “I’ll never be a champion.” I hated myself for a few seconds.  I hated my performance.  I hated my fight choices.  I hated that fight.  I was disappointed in the way I moved, in the way my body felt, in everything.  I had to catch myself.  Don’t hate yourself- you still have value.  As long as you don’t give up, I you have another chance to reach a new level and have a good performance the next time.  My friend G said that the last time I lost to a fighter who made weight was 2016. Really? That was Nicco for the title. Then I beat Barb, who made weight, then I lost to Sijara, who missed weight, beat Antonina who made weight, lost to Maia who missed weight. Who knows? It’s just a few pounds….

Smile and carry on.

Just because you train hard, doesn’t mean you will win. But if you never train hard, you can never win.

The fans surrounding the walk-out path all erupted in cheers as I passed, crying out, “We love you, Roxy!”  “It’s okay!” “Happy Warrior!” I wanted to hug them all.  Thank you, guys.  It wasn’t okay at all, but your love makes it a little better.  My friends in the crowd said I got one of the most enthusiastic receptions.  That was really cool.

After I walked out of the cage that night, some doctor was saying something about my head and a cut.  I just followed people.  They brought me to a room, sat me down, and started examining my head.  I felt horrible.  I was a failure and my life sucked. No, that’s not true.  Just stop thinking, Roxy. You’re fine. People were talking to me and I was just trying to hold it together and not cry.  “…..we could staple her scalp.”

Wait, WHAT? I looked up.  I suddenly started paying attention.  Apparently I had a gash in my scalp and they were discussing what to do with it….stitches, staple? Do nothing? WHAT? I dunno, I can’t see it! They were trying to describe to me how big it was. “You decide! I don’t know!  You’re the doctor!” I said to the doctor, getting kind of scared.  What’s a skin staple like?  I imagined my middle school science teacher coming at me with a staple gun. How did that cut happen anyway?  Jennifer did some dirty boxing.  I wanted to do more dirty boxing.  I had wanted to leave the arena with my elbows sore and swollen from elbowing her head and taking the win. I wanted to do that knee tap thingie AJ taught me.

I was back in depressed-land again.

The Upside-down

“Just …do whatever” I told everybody, trying not to cry.  They decided to do nothing to it, and I went back to my locker room. At least the commission didn’t make me memorize numbers and recite the months of the year backwards like they did in New York.  That was horrible. lol

Thank you, John and Mike, for being there for me.  Thanks, Lorenzo, for your hard work training me to be stronger.  Thank you Mick Maynard, my match maker, for working with me, putting me on the card, finding me fights, and giving me opportunities. Thanks to my new manager Danny. My friends Katie, Candy, Luz, Mike, and fans/sponsors/friends Bill and Mandy from My Consumer I.T. took me out for dinner afterwards.  I really appreciate you guys. I also appreciate my team and fans online being so supportive. My sponsors did sponsorly things a lot this weekend! Check them out: https://www.mcithouston.com/

post fight dinner friends

Okay, so that really sucked and I wished I could go back time and do that fight again. However, science has not figured that out yet, so I just have to smile and carry on.  I’m the Happy Warrior and gotta go over the positive things now.

Going to San Antonio was really cool! I liked the city a lot! It had a historic feel and reminded me of Boston with brick/ cobblestone streets and side walks. The Alamo was right down the street.

John and I in front of the Alamo

I enjoyed doing stuff with John, like seeing the Alamo, doing a Haunted House and virtual shooter game ride.

Haha We walked through the Haunted House as a group, and it was just Roxy-appropriate enough I was creeped out but not too scared. This family went in first, but after the first few scares, they said, “You go first!” to John. hahahaha I’m glad because he likes scary, so he got to be the most scared rather than walking behind some kids. I felt safe and protected walking behind him.

UFC Gaming at Fan Experience, Coolr

Training is fantastic. It always has its ups and downs, where I learn something new and get frustrated if I can’t do it immediately, but I know to just keep trying and I’ll figure out a way. Coach John is such a great teacher. I’ve also learned the value of my teammates re-wording things. Cory Hendricks helped me out a few times with tips, and Chris Curtis pointed out a few things about my balance and stance while shifting positions that has REALLY helped me! I’m so grateful.

Over the years around the 4th of July, the UFC put on an Expo! I remember it took place in a huge indoor venue with all kinds of companies showing their wears, martial arts demonstrations, a jiujitsu tournament, etc! It’s there I found sponsors Trebla Glovesox, Outlaw Fight Gear, Quest Nutrition, and I even met one of my best friends Candy! And Julie!

Julie aka Meili Fighting shorts owner, Candy, Dan Severn, Roxy, Serena 2014 Fan Expo



I did a signing for Fear the Fighter with Julianna! 2014



2014 UFC Expo

The UFC Fan Experience was in an air conditioned tent. I mean, it was free for fans instead of people having to pay to get in. When the Reebok deal went down, other companies couldn’t show their stuff, so? I guess the UFC decided to downsize. It’s still a dream come true for me to be a part of it! For SIX years I was going as a fan, and finally now that I’m in the UFC, I was hoping I’d get to be one of those people up on the stage feeling like I mattered enough that people wanted to meet me and get a picture with me.

Hard training, UFC Fight Switcheroo, Vegeta, BJJ, Cat visited, Star Wars B-day, TV shows

Last week was a turbulent but productive week!

Training was hard and good. Monday I had a higher work-load than usual by adding a jiujitsu private lesson with Jerry Shapiro, who is a black belt at Cobra Kai and comes to Syndicate to train MMA. He’s fighting one week before me in July so I was hesitant to bother him, but I asked him if he could roll with me a bit before MMA class and give me advice.

I’m kind of struggling with what direction I should take to improve my sport jiujitsu game. Mike Pyle is my MMA jiujitsu trainer and I’m very happy with his guidance, but I KNOW I have holes in my game when I roll in the gi at Dunham’s. One of my blue belt friends is constantly berinbolo-ing me and getting me in reverse triangle from the back. lol *coughCharliecough* I am getting better at foiling it, but still. I know can do even better! Every time I go to Dunham’s jiujitsu classes, I feel like I level up a bit, but I can only get over there once a week, twice if I’m not training for a fight. It’s frustrating because I KNOW I can’t prioritize my jiujitsu game now. Haha those of you reading my blog know I rant about this a lot. Sorry. But that’s why you read my blog, to know what I’m thinking and doing, and to find out my hopes and desires!

We have Vinny’s team at Syndicate now, but I’m attached to my other training partners.

Hopscotch across the country – UFC 238, trained w/ my fav fighter, family

My cousin Adele has a remarkable story. She had various health problems for a long time. She had overcome a lot already before she was diagnosed with breast cancer (which runs rampant in the family) and I really respect her for her strength in fighting it. I feel so bad for the hand she was dealt in life! The day she found out about her cancer, she found out she was pregnant! Despite simultaneous chemo, she had a beautiful healthy baby boy! She beat the cancer for a while. Then it came back.

The year 2012, with Adele

I feel like we are all in rowboats paddling down a river. We can’t see too far ahead because the river bends and winds. We often get jostled, and water gets in our boat. Eventually everybody’s boat gets holes and sinks, but until then, we have to just keep paddling and doing our best. The river has no mercy. The river stops for no one. Adele kept getting thrown from her boat, but kept climbing back in.

Her boat finally sank a week ago. She had just turned 40 years old. Adele was such a kind woman who did a lot for people in this world. She was a devout Christian who volunteered at her church. I once had the honor of helping her at a food pantry. She was a Physician Assistant and took care of sick people. My aunt and other cousin Alison told me that the turnout at the funeral and wake was overwhelming.

At one point during a conversation with Tino (her son), Cousin Alison said, “Seven was your mom’s favorite number!” Tino, with a smile, playfully climbing on her lap, said, “Mommy’s in Heaven!”

That’s a great way to explain it to kids, but it still broke my heart. It was rough, but I’m glad I went back to NJ and could support my family.

Tino loves playing the piano, just like his mother did, and grandmother



Cousin Alison, Francisco, Pia-Rose

I enjoyed spending time with Alison, her hubby and Kempo Master (literally) Francisco Vigouroux, and the adorable Pia-Rose. I’m glad that my fight wasn’t imminent, so I could attend without stressing too much about training, although I did calisthenics in the park near my aunt’s house, and I also visited Silver Fox Jiujitsu Academy, a Renzo Gracie association. I really enjoyed that training session. The teacher was Enrique Galarza. He seemed young (25 actually!) but was super knowledgeable. I learned some great, essential details in the fundamental class!

It was my dream to someday train with Matt Serra. He’s my favorite fighter, and was on the first UFC card I ever watched back in the year 2001! I’ve met him before and was so excited, and star-struck.