Douglas Adams > Quotes

“An SEP,’ he said, ‘is something that we can’t see, or don’t see, or our brain doesn’t let us see, because we think that it’s somebody else’s problem. That’s what SEP means. Somebody Else’s Problem. The brain just edits it out, it’s like a blind spot. If you look at it directly you won’t see it unless you know precisely what it is. Your only hope is to catch it by surprise out of the corner of your eye.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything

“No," he said, "look, it's very, very simple ... all I want ... is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen." And he sat. He told the Nutri-Matic about India, he told it about China, he told it about Ceylon. He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun. He told it about silver teapots. He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn. He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn't get scalded. He even told it (briefly) about the history of the East India Company.
"So that's it, is it?" said the Nutri-Matic when he had finished.
"Yes," said Arthur, "that is what I want."
"You want the taste of dried leaves in boiled water?"
"Er, yes. With milk."
"Squirted out of a cow?"
"Well, in a manner of speaking I suppose ...”
― Douglas Adams

“There is no "tropical island paradise" I know of which remotely matches up to the fantasy ideal that such a phrase is meant to conjure up, or even to what we find described in holiday brochures. It's natural to put this down to the discrepancy we are all used to finding between what advertisers promise and what the real world delivers. It doesn't surprise us much any more. So it can come as a shock to realise that the world we hear described by travellers of previous centuries (or even previous decades) and biologists of today really did exist. The state it's in now is only the result of what we've done to it, and the mildness of the disappointment we feel when we arrive somewhere and find that it's a bit tatty is only a measure of how far our own expectations have been degraded and how little we understand what we've lost. The people who do understand what we've lost are the ones who are rushing around in a frenzy trying to save the bits that are left.”
― Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

“You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You cannot know what I know because you know what you know. What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and what you know because they are not the same kind. Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because that would be to replace you yourself.”
― Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“Trin Tragula—for that was his name—was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.”

Excerpt From: Adams, Douglas. “The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.” Random House Publishing Group, 2010-09-29. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“After a moment or two a man in brown crimplene looked in at us, did not at all like the look of us and asked us if we were transit passengers. We said we were. He shook his head with infinite weariness and told us that if we were transit passengers then we were supposed to be in the other of the two rooms. We were obviously very crazy and stupid not to have realized this. He stayed there slumped against the door jamb, raising his eyebrows pointedly at us until we eventually gathered our gear together and dragged it off down the
corridor to the other room. He watched us go past him shaking his head in wonder and sorrow at the stupid futility of the human condition in general and ours in particular, and then closed the door behind us.

The second room was identical to the first. Identical in all respects other than one, which was that it had a hatchway let into one wall. A large vacant-looking girl was leaning through it with her elbows on the counter and her fists jammed up into her cheekbones. She was watching some flies crawling up the wall, not with any great interest because they were not doing anything unexpected, but at least they were doing something. Behind her was a table stacked with biscuits, chocolate bars, cola, and a pot of coffee, and we headed straight towards this like a pack of stoats.

Just before we reached it, however, we were suddenly headed off by a man in blue crimplene, who asked us what we thought we were doing in there. We explained that we were transit passengers on our way to Zaire, and he looked at us as if we had completely taken leave of our senses.
'Transit passengers? he said. 'It is not allowed for transit passengers to be in here.'
He waved us magnificently away from the snack counter, made us pick up all our gear again, and herded us back through the door and away into the first room where, a minute later, the man in the brown crimplene found us again.

He looked at us. Slow incomprehension engulfed him, followed by sadness, anger, deep frustration and a sense that the world had been created specifically to cause him vexation. He leaned back against the wall, frowned, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
'You are in the wrong room,' he said simply. `You are transit passengers. Please go to the other room.'

There is a wonderful calm that comes over you in such situations, particularly when there is a refreshment kiosk involved. We nodded, picked up our gear in a Zen-like manner and made our way back down the corridor to the second room. Here the man in blue crimplene accosted us once more but we patiently explained to him that he could fuck off.”
― Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

“The Universe, the whole infinite Universe. The infinite suns, the infinite distances between them, and yourself an invisible dot on an invisible dot, infinitely small.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“Dirk Gently is the name under which I now trade. There are certain events in the past, I'm afraid, from which I would wish to disassociate myself."

"Absolutely, I know how you feel. Most of the fourteenth century, for instance, was pretty grim," agreed Reg earnestly.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“Because Ford never learned to say his original name, his father eventually died of shame, which is still a terminal disease in some parts of the Galaxy.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Marvin started his ironical humming again. Zaphod hit him and he shut up.”
― Douglas Adams

“Как да напуснем планетата:
1. Обадете се на НАСА.Номерът им е (713) 493 - 3111.Обяснете им,че се налага да се махнете спешно оттук.
2. Ако откажат да съдействат,обадете се на някой познат в Белия дом - (202) 456 - 1414 - да бутне едно рамо при момчетата от НАСА.
3. Ако нямате познати в Белия дом,обадете се в Кремъл (поискайте международен разговор с (0107 - 095 - 295 - 9051).Те и те нямат приятели в НАСА(поне не такива,които да си струват обсъждането),но май имат известно влияние,така че пробвайте.
5. Ако и това не стане,поискайте съвет от папата.Телефонът му е (011 - 39 - 6 - 6982) и ,доколото знам, телефонната му централа е безотказна.
6. Ако всичките ви опити пропаднат,стопирайте някоя летяща чиния и им обяснете,че трябва на всяка цена да се махнете преди да е дошла сметката ви за телефон”
― Duglass Adamss, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Rule Six: The winning team shall be the first team that wins.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“She thought that trying to live life according to any plan you actually work out is like trying to buy ingredients for a recipe from the supermarket. You get one of those trolleys which simply will not go in the direction you push it and end up just having to buy completely different stuff. What do you do with it? What do you do with the recipe? She didn't know.”
― Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“On the wall was a Duran Duran poster on which someone had scrawled in fat red felt tip, "Take this down please."
Beneath that another hand had scrawled, "No."
Beneath that again the first hand had written, ""I insist that you take it down."
Beneath that the second hand had written, "Won't!"
Beneath that - "You're fired."
Beneath that - "Good!"
And there the matter appeared to have rested.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Rob McKenna was a miserable bastard and he knew it because he'd had a lot of people point it out to him over the years and he saw no reason to disagree with them except the obvious one which was that he liked disagreeing with people, particularly people he disliked, which included, at the last count, everybody.”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

“Ford was beginning to behave rather strangely, or rather not actually beginning to behave strangely but beginning to behave in a way that was strangely different from the other strange ways in which he more regularly behaved.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“And the most interesting natural structure?

A giant, two-thousand-mile-long fish in orbit around Jupiter, according to a reliable report in the Weekly World News. The photograph was very convincing, and I'm only surprised that more-reputable journals like New Scientist, or even just The Sun, haven't followed up with more details. We should be told.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

“And what’s happened to the Earth?” “Ah. It’s been demolished.” “Has it,” said Arthur levelly. “Yes. It just boiled away into space.” “Look,” said Arthur, “I’m a bit upset about that.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“...his horoscope had been pretty misleading as well. It had mentioned an unusual amount of planetary activity in his sign and had urged him to differentiate between what he thought he wanted and what he actually needed, and suggested that he should tackle emotional or work problems with determination and complete honesty, but had inexplicably failed to mention that he would be dead before the day was out.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“Sonra, adamın birinin, değişiklik olsun diye bundan böyle halka nazik davranmanın ne kadar iyi olacağını dile getirdiği için bir ağaca çivilenmesinden yaklaşık iki bin yıl sonra, bir Perşembe günü, Rickmansworth'de küçük bir kafede tek başına oturan bir kız, bunca zamandır ters giden şeyin ne olduğunu birdenbire fark edip en sonunda dünyanın nasıl iyileştirilebileceğini ve mutluluğun hüküm sürdüğü bir yere dönüştürülebileceğini anlamıştı. Bu sefer doğru olanı bulmuştu, bu işe yarayacak ve hiç kimsenin bir yerlere çivilenmesi gerekmeyecekti.
Ama ne yazıktır ki, bir telefon bulup birilerine bundan söz edemeden korkunç, aptal bir felaket meydana geldi ve fikir sonsuza dek yitip gitti.
Bu, o kızın öyküsü değil.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Mrs E. Kapelsen of Boston, Massachusetts was an elderly lady, indeed, she felt her life was nearly at an end. She had seen a lot of it, been puzzled by some, but, she was a little uneasy to feel at this late stage, bored by too much. It had all been very pleasant, but perhaps a little too explicable, a little too routine.
With a sigh she flipped up the little plastic window shutter and looked out over the wing.
At first she thought she ought to call the stewardess, but then she thought no, damn it, definitely not, this was for her, and her alone.
By the time her two inexplicable people finally slipped back off the wing and tumbled into the slipstream she had cheered up an awful lot.
She was mostly immensely relieved to think that virtually everything that anybody had ever told her was wrong.”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

“Fall, though, is the worst. Few things are worse than fall in New York. Some of the things that live in the lower intestines of rats would disagree, but most of the things that live in the lower intestines of rats are highly disagreeable anyways, so their opinion can and should be discounted.”
― Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“My late friend Graham Chapman, an idiosyncratic driver at the best of times, used to exploit the mutual incomprehension of British and U.S. driving habits by always carrying both British and California driver’s licences. Whenever he was stopped in the States, he would flash his British licence, and vice versa. He would also mention that he was just on his way to the airport to leave the country, which he always found to be such welcome news that the police would breathe a sigh of relief and wave him on.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

“Vell, Zaphod’s just zis guy, you know?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“I think that the BBC’s attitude toward the show while it was in production was very similar to that which Macbeth had toward murdering people—initial doubts, followed by cautious enthusiasm and then greater and greater alarm at the sheer scale of the undertaking and still no end in sight.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“Virtually everything we were told in Indonesia turned out not to be true, sometimes almost immediately. The only exception to this was when we were told that something would happen immediately, in which case it turned out not to be true over an extended period of time.”
― Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

“It's good to leave your room super-messy when you're away. Whoever tries to break into your room will thought it has already been ransacked.”
― Douglas Adams

“Charming man," he said. "I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry one...”
― Douglas Adams