The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma Quotes

“Shame reduces complex circumstances to simple solutions like “It’s all my fault” and “I must deserve this.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Learn to differentiate between the sound of your intuition guiding you and your traumas misleading you.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Many children are not raised in such environments; their caregivers focus instead on the child’s behaviors, performance, goals, and results, which can lead to a child feeling fundamentally unseen. It is a form of objectification when adults focus solely on correcting a child’s behavior. This lack of empathy gives the child a sense that no one has interest in who they are underneath the behaviors. There are two significant consequences to a child feeling such rejection. First is their hopelessness, despair, and pain from experiencing this level of misattunement. Second is how a child personalizes and internalizes this experience of misattunement. The environmental failure is experienced by the child as their personal failure. Tragically, a child then learns to treat themself in ways that they were treated. If a child’s openness and curiosity are minimized, unsupported, or attacked, they learn to do that to themself.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Primary narcissism is a normal state for a child and is different from what we refer to as adult narcissism. Primary narcissism simply means that a child cannot experience themself as anything but the center of their own universe. When a child experiences neglect, abuse, or chronic misattunement, they experience it as their fault. The failure is always personal. Simply put, a child cannot experience themself as a good person in a bad situation. By definition, when the environment fails a child, the child believes that they have failed. This brings us to the concept of splitting.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“When in child consciousness, an adult relates to themself and the world through helplessness, lack of agency, and feeling dependent on others for them to be OK. They experience their lives narrowly and without many options, leading to a limited sense of capacity and resiliency. They feel the regressive need to protect themselves from the threat of relational loss through a variety of strategies of disconnection (which traditionally have been referred to as defense mechanisms). Any sense of “growing up” or forward progress may feel like threat to the loyalty to these old survival style patterns.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“What we don’t use it for is to pathologize our clients. Levels of organization do not define who someone is, and we do not make judgments based on the scores.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Developmental trauma is about heartbreak. The resolution of developmental trauma is about heartfulness.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“The intention of acceptance is to allow for complexity. As humans, we are faced with managing an extremely complex world. Preconceived knowledge, beliefs, and agendas are often used to manage the complexity of the therapeutic process, but they can also get in our way of being present and open to the direct experience with our clients. To truly understand another’s internal world, we have to free ourselves from what we believe we know, to the best of our abilities, so as to be able to make real contact. Once we can say “I don’t know,” we can be open to new learning and greater complexity. As philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti taught, “You can learn only if you do not know.”4 The reality is that we will never fully know our client’s internal experience, but we can continue to learn as we deepen into relationship with them.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Unmanaged empathy can look and feel like caring but may be driven from impulses that relate to the ways we avoid deep feelings, particularly the feelings of helplessness. We are vulnerable to our sense of helplessness when we empathize with but are not able to impact another’s suffering. For many of us who experienced early trauma, this leads us directly back to our own fear of helplessness. We might ask ourselves: How can I be with another person’s suffering? Am I able to stay present? Or do I try to compulsively effect change?”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Using the framework of the adaptive survival styles, we can begin to understand some of the adaptive strategies for avoiding feelings: Connection: A client may use avoidant strategies such as dissociating, splitting, intellectualizing, and spiritualizing. They may generally narrow their lives by limiting emotional awareness and social engagement. Attunement: A client may avoid attuning to their own emotions or may feel that they do not deserve to have their own needs and feelings. They may focus on being there to meet others’ needs and feelings at the expense of connecting to their own needs and feelings. Trust: A client may work to limit situations where they are not in control, including any situation where they are asked to be vulnerable with their needs and feelings. They may set up situations where they can avoid sharing their emotions. Autonomy: A client may avoid self-referencing and direct expressions of their authentic Self. They may avoid situations where speaking directly about their authentic feelings would be appropriate and useful. Love-Sexuality: A client may avoid authentic emotions by focusing on achievement and performance. They may avoid intimacy and other relationships where they might be invited to share their heart.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Future chapters will explain other factors that influence the working hypothesis, such as the client’s psychobiological capacity, the role of shame as an adaptive survival strategy, unresolved needs and emotions, and the therapist’s capacity for self-inquiry. Remember, the working hypothesis is cultivated through curiosity and openness to the client’s internal world—and not through interpretations, which can be distorted by the therapist’s unconscious biases and countertransference reactions. Therapists hold the working hypothesis in a way that does not simplify the client’s experience but encourages the therapist and client to be present with increasing complexity, nuance, and depth.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“This process of exploration is in service of disidentification. As introduced in chapter 2, disidentification is the process of a person bringing a quality of mindfulness to their consciousness, taking their thoughts and reactions less seriously, not presuming that what they feel is truth, recognizing they aren’t defined by who they’ve taken themselves to be, and ultimately, dissolving their adaptive survival styles. As these old patterns of identity distortion and physiological dysregulation begin to quiet down, people begin seeing themselves less through the filters of their survival style identifications. This helps clients shift out of child consciousness into adult consciousness. Through inquiry, clients receive support and guidance to connect with what’s real for them in the here and now.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Transcendent human experiences that Einstein alluded to, like aliveness, spirituality, and love, are difficult to measure. They don’t fit well in modern psychological and scientific theory. There is a tendency to try to reduce complexity. We see curiosity as a pathway for supporting nuance within complexity. It allows us to exist, and delight in, the full spectrum of human experience. It frees us from having to figure anything out and instead supports us to have a direct, lived experience.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Connection survival style themes to show up in an atmosphere of safety and consent. The use of contracting emphasizes the therapist’s attention, interest, and concern about truly understanding the client. Contracting provides an opportunity to shift old relational patterns of feeling completely alone. This process of intersubjectivity supports a shift away from objectification toward subjectification. Clients are invited to be active collaborators with their therapist, which provides a sense of control over the therapeutic process. Attunement: The contracting process invites clients identified with Attunement survival style themes to check in with and express their needs and feelings. From the very beginning, this process provides an opportunity to shift old relational patterns of feeling that they cannot express their needs and feelings. Contracting helps clients feel seen and heard—by their therapist but also themselves. They are invited, welcomed, and encouraged to reflect on their authentic needs and wishes. Trust: The contracting process gives clients identified with Trust survival style themes the power to set their own course for therapy. The collaborative nature of contracting provides an opportunity to shift old relational patterns where they felt they had to control others in order to feel safe. They are welcomed to modulate their level of openness and vulnerability according to their own sense of comfort and trust. Autonomy: The contracting process encourages clients identified with Autonomy survival style themes to share their authentic Self in an environment of openness, understanding, and respect. Inviting the client to determine their intention and goals for therapy provides an opportunity to shift old relational patterns of having to control against other people’s agendas. Love-Sexuality: The contracting process supports clients identified with Love-Sexuality survival style themes with a sense of not having to be perfect to be accepted and loved. Contracting provides an opportunity to shift old relational patterns where they felt pressure of having to perform and achieve. Clients are welcomed to share from a more open-hearted and intimate place.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Beginning in the contracting process (Pillar 1), and then moving into asking exploratory questions (Pillar 2), we are guided by curiosity in our client’s internal process. Specifically, we are interested in what’s getting in the way of what our clients say they most want for themselves. We begin organizing our understanding of our client’s internal obstacles, which in NARM we refer to as the working hypothesis.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Loneliness can be experienced as both frightening and liberating. When in child consciousness, adults may still experience the loneliness as terrifying. These clients often rely on adaptive survival strategies to manage and limit their lives. When in adult consciousness, adults may experience the loneliness as relief, expansion, and increasing freedom. These clients often report an increased sense of internal space and depth in which to meet the world. We track cycles of connection–disconnection in the service of disidentification. As identifications dissolve, people often experience increasing states of connection: expansion, freedom, hope, strength, and aliveness. One way we resource our clients is to reflect to them when they are able to stay in states of connection for longer periods of time. As people experience greater internal organization, they feel less compelled by old strategies of disconnection. Instead of relying on adaptive survival strategies to control their lives, they experience increasing agency and choice.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“What message is the emotion attempting to convey? What is the underlying intention in this emotional response? What is the emotion trying to accomplish?”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“In NARM we do not view shame, self-rejection, and self-hatred as emotions but as psychobiological processes, or strategies, of disconnecting from one’s authentic Self. We do not work directly with these strategies but instead explore what unresolved emotions may be underneath them.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Connection Feel shame at existing, feeling, and connecting Attunement Feel shame when experiencing and communicating their needs Trust Feel shame when feeling dependent, vulnerable, or weak Autonomy Feel shame at their impulses toward self-determination, autonomy, and independence Love/Sexuality Feel shame about sharing their heart and relational intimacy”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“When these powerful energies of anger toward the caregivers emerge, it puts the child in a bind, because acting aggressively or even feeling strong aggression toward their caregivers threatens the attachment relationship. In order to protect the attachment relationship, children learn to disconnect from, split off, and redirect the anger toward themselves. This helps us recognize the survival value inherent in turning anger against oneself, seen from a child’s perspective—for example, the child who gets stomachaches or self-harms in various ways.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Connection: Reflect on a time you felt most connected—to yourself, to another person, to a pet, to nature, to God. Attunement: Reflect on a time you expressed your needs—and someone responded positively. Trust: Reflect on a time you depended on someone—and they came through for you. Autonomy: Reflect on a time you stood up for yourself in a relationship—and the other person did not reject you. Love-Sexuality: Reflect on a time you reached out with love—and it was reciprocated by another person.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“The resolution of these core dilemmas is about learning to be authentic and at the same time be connected with others. The psychological concept of object constancy refers to the ability of an individual to feel both love and anger toward a person they are in an intimate relationship with. Holding that emotional complexity is an important capacity for healthy adulthood. For a child experiencing attachment and relational failure, it is simply too threatening to stay connected to themself while staying in connection to their caregivers. Yet for an adult, this relational capacity can feel liberating. New possibilities open up as one shifts from child consciousness into embodied adult consciousness, a process we refer to in NARM as disidentification”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“This can be seen in the ways humans fear what they most want and use self-sabotaging strategies to inhibit separation-individuation, agency, self-activation, and possibilities for love. This conflict between staying connected in a relationship while staying connected to one’s authentic Self often shows up for people in their most intimate relationships—with their partners, children, and close friends—and demonstrates the enduring fear of relational loss.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“When a young child faces a conflict between Self and attachment, the need for attachment always wins. When experiencing a threat to the attachment relationship, children are faced with an impossible situation: they need to stay connected to their caregivers, but they also need to stay connected to their authentic Self. This bind pits their relationship to caregivers against their relationship to Self, which reflects a conflict between attachment and separation-individuation.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Embodied adult consciousness is a NARM term that refers to adults who experience themselves not just physically as adults but also psychologically and emotionally. They embody separation-individuation in the sense that they experience themselves as less dependent on others for their sense of self-worth. By so doing, they have greater capacity for authentic relationships. Their behaviors are not driven from adaptive survival strategies but emerge from connection to their authentic needs, feelings, and a sense of agency and self-activation. Being embodied in adult consciousness provides a secure platform to feel connected to Self and others without conflict between the two.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“The experience of a secure sense of Self, grounded in healthy attachment and separation-individuation, leads to the ability to tolerate a wide range of internal states, including the sensations of distress that accompany environmental challenges. It also leads to the capacity to hold both frustrating and pleasurable aspects of life experiences simultaneously. This reflects increased psychobiological capacity, or what has traditionally been referred to as resiliency.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“For children experiencing chronic misattunement, staying connected to their own needs and feelings becomes intolerable and unsustainable. Children are unable to tolerate the distress that occurs in these painful situations. The only strategy they can use to survive is disconnecting from their authentic needs and feelings.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“In a modern world beset by complex trauma and a legacy of suffering, conflict and disconnection, healing trauma can serve as a vehicle for personal and social transformation. NARM Training Manual The NeuroAffective Relational Model relies on organizing principles that help frame and guide our therapeutic approach.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“A child’s survival depends on their developing a secure sense of Self, which is shaped by secure attachment, consistent attunement, and an environment of safety. Environmental failures thus impact the organization and security of the Self. In order to adapt to early environmental failure, children learn to disconnect from themselves, which leads to profound disorganization of the Self. As we will see in the next chapter, shame and self-hatred become survival-based mechanisms of disconnection, and they fuel disorganization. Children cannot recognize or tolerate that their environment is failing, because they depend on their environment for survival. Therefore, children are unable to see themselves as a good person in a bad situation. In order to protect against attachment loss and environmental failure, children internalize these failures as their own personal failures: “I must’ve done something,” or “I deserve this,” or “I am bad.” Children are left with an internal sense of badness. They identify with it. And it becomes part of their identity that they carry into adulthood. For example, many adult victims of abuse and violence blame themselves and are riddled with shame and self-hatred.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

“Two distinguishing features of C-PTSD are early attachment failure and ongoing interpersonal victimization. While these failures from caregivers and environment may have threatened a child’s life, they were more than simply one-time traumatic events.”
― Laurence Heller, The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma