The Highly Sensitive Person Quotes

“HSPs tend to fill that advisor role. We are the writers, historians, philosophers, judges, artists, researchers, theologians, therapists, teachers, parents, and plain conscientious citizens.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Others knew they were different, but hid it and adapted, acting like the non-sensitive majority.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Research on parenting, for example, continually finds the elusive quality of “sensitivity” to be the key in raising children well. Turning”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“HSPs usually respond to change with resistance. Or we try to throw ourselves into it, but we still suffer from it. We just don’t “do” change well, even good changes. That can be the most maddening. When”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“They are living evidence that this rich and varied world with its overflowing and intoxicating life is not purely external, but also exists within . . . Their life teaches more than their words. . . . Their lives teach the other possibility, the interior life which is so painfully wanting in our civilization. Jung”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“sensory processing sensitivity,”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You

“priority. Some overeat to become unattractive, some overstudy or overtrain so they have no free time, some pick one boy early and hang on to him for protection.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“And there are plenty of ways to self-destruct: marrying or having a baby in a way that imprisons one in a narrow, prescribed role; abusing drugs or alcohol; becoming physically or mentally incapacitated; joining a cult or organization that offers security and answers; or suicide.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“The Romans had a great general named Cincinnatus. The legend is that he had wanted to live quietly on his farm but was persuaded twice to return to public”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You

“And if you cannot love the situation, it is vitally important and even more essential that you love yourself in your state of not being able to love the situation.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“It’s all right not to have children. We cannot have everything in this world. Sometimes it’s smart to see our limits. On this subject, in fact, I often say that it’s wonderful not to have children. And wonderful to have them. Each is its own kind of wonderful.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Since 80 percent of sensory stimulation comes in through the eyes, just resting with your eyes closed gives you quite a break.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Finally, as we noted in the last chapter, caretakers who think newborn babies or bodies can be spoiled and should be “left to cry” are wrong. Research demonstrates that if a small infant’s crying is responded to promptly (except at those times when responding just adds to the overstimulation), that infant will cry less, not more, when older.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Other studies discussed by Baumeister that explore the contribution of emotion to clear thinking find that unless people have some emotional reason to learn something, they do not learn it very well or at all. This is why tests are given—to motivate learners to have that thrill of a good score or distress of a poor one, and we have found that HSPs are far more affected by test scores. This is one reason why it is easier to learn a foreign language in the country where it is spoken—we are highly motivated to find our way, converse when spoken to, and generally not seem foolish.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“What does all of this mean for you? This trait is an intrinsic part of you, and even if you or others wished you were less sensitive, you cannot eliminate it. You can improve very much how you live with it, however, and take better advantage of it by knowing its nature. Indeed, I hope by now you are seeing it is a true advantage.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Bottom line: a good childhood may be less important than a somewhat predictable one.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“That is the lively revenge you can expect from your body when you treat it like a lifeless broom, all in the service of too many bright ideas.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“HSPs tend to fill that advisor role. We are the writers, historians, philosophers, judges, artists, researchers, theologians, therapists, teachers, parents, and plain conscientious citizens. What we bring to any of these roles is a tendency to think about all the possible effects of an idea.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“trait of sensitivity means we will also be cautious, inward, needing extra time alone. Because people without the trait (the majority) do not understand that, they see us as timid, shy, weak, or that greatest sin of all, unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others and then by ourselves.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“In the sensitive daughter a mother may find the child she dreams of, the one who will not, should not, and cannot leave home—all of which dampens the sensitive little girl’s natural urge to explore and overcome her fears.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Just as there are two kinds of problem caretakers—underprotective and overprotective—there are two general ways that HSPs fail to care properly for their bodies. You may push yourself out too much—overstimulate yourself with too much work, risk taking, or exploring. Or you may keep yourself in too much—overprotecting yourself when you really long to be out in the world like others.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“An important point is that when cortisol is present, the short-term arousal response is also even more likely. That is, this long-term type of arousal makes us even more excitable, more sensitive, than before. Most of the effects of cortisol occur over hours or even days. They are mainly measured in the blood, saliva, or urine, so studying long-term arousal is less convenient. But psychologist Megan Gunnar of the University of Minnesota thought that the whole point of the pause-to-check system might be to protect the individual from this unhealthy, unpleasant, long-term arousal. Research shows that when people first encounter something new and potentially threatening, the short-term response always comes first. Meanwhile, we start to consider our resources. What are our abilities? What have we learned about this sort of situation from past experiences? Who is around who might help out? If we think we or those with us can cope with the situation, we stop seeing it as a threat. The short-term alert dies out, and the long-term alarm never goes off.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“The Brain’s Two Systems A number of researchers think that there are two systems in the brain and that it is the balance of these two that creates sensitivity. One system, the “behavioral activation” (or “approach,” or “facilitation,” system) is hooked up to the parts of the brain that take in messages from the senses and send out orders to the limbs to get moving. This system is designed to move us toward things, especially new ones. It is probably meant to keep us eagerly searching for the good things in life, like fresh food and companionship, all of which we need for survival. When the activation system is operating, we are curious, bold, and impulsive. The other system is called the “behavioral inhibition” (or “withdrawal,” or “avoidance,” system). (You can already tell by the names which is the “good” one according to our culture.) This system is said to move us away from things, making us attentive to dangers. It makes us alert, cautious, and watchful for signs. Not surprisingly, this system is hooked up to all the parts of the brain Kagan noted to be more active in his “inhibited” children. But what does this system really do? It takes in everything about a situation and then automatically compares the present to what has been normal and usual in the past and what should be expected in the future. If there is a mismatch, the system makes us stop and wait until we understand the new circumstance. To me this is a very significant part of being intelligent. So I prefer to give it a more positive name: the automatic pause-to-check system. But now consider how one might have a more active pause-to-check system.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Just be careful about accepting labels for yourself, such as “inhibited,” “introverted,” or “shy.” As we move on, you’ll understand why each of these mislabels you. In general, they miss the essence of the trait and give it a negative tone. For example, research has found that most people, quite wrongly, associate introversion with poor mental health. When HSPs identify with these labels, their confidence drops lower, and their arousal increases in situations in which people thus labeled are expected to be awkward. It helps to know that in cultures in which the trait is more valued, such as Japan, Sweden, and China, the research takes on a different tone. For example, Japanese psychologists seem to expect their sensitive subjects to perform better, and they do. When studying stress, Japanese psychologists see more flaws in the way that the nonsensitive cope. There is no point in blaming our culture’s psychology or its well-meaning researchers, however. They are doing their best.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“If you remember only one thing from this book, it should be the following research study. Xinyin Chen and Kenneth Rubin of the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, and Yuerong Sun of Shanghai Teachers University compared 480 schoolchildren in Shanghai to 296 in Canada to see what traits made children most popular. In China “shy” and “sensitive” children were among those most chosen by others to be friends or playmates. (In Mandarin, the word for shy or quiet means good or well-behaved; sensitive can be translated as “having understanding,” a term of praise.) In Canada, shy and sensitive children were among the least chosen. Chances are, this is the kind of attitude you faced growing up. Think about the impact on you of not being the ideal for your culture. It has to affect you—not only how others have treated you but how you have come to treat yourself.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“It is difficult to know for any particular adult whether you inherited the trait or developed it during your life. The best evidence, though hardly perfect, is whether your parents remember you as sensitive from the time you were born. If it is easy to do so, ask them, or whoever was your caretaker, to tell you all about what you were like in the first six months of life. Probably you will learn more if you do not begin by asking if you were sensitive. Just ask what you were like as a baby. Often the stories about you will tell it all. After a while, ask about some typical signs of highly sensitive babies. Were you difficult about change—about being undressed and put into water at bath time, about trying new foods, about noise? Did you have colic often? Were you slow to fall asleep, hard to keep asleep, or a short sleeper, especially when you were overtired? Remember, if your parents had no experience with other babies, they may not have noticed anything unusual at that age because they had no one to compare you to. Also, given all the blaming of parents for their children’s every difficulty, your parents may need to convince you and themselves that all was perfect in your childhood. If you want, you can reassure them that you know they did their best and that all babies pose a few problems but that you wonder which problems you presented. You might also let them see the questionnaire at the front of this book. Ask them if they or anyone else in your family has this trait. Especially if you find relatives with it on both sides, the odds are very good your trait is inherited. But what if it wasn’t or you aren’t sure? It probably does not matter at all. What does is that it is your trait now.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“Circumstances can also force the trait to disappear. Many children born very sensitive are pushed hard by parents, schools, or friends to be bolder. Living in a noisy or crowded environment, growing up in a large family, or being made to be more physically active may sometimes reduce sensitivity, just as sensitive animals that are handled a great deal will sometimes lose some of their natural caution, at least with certain people or in specific situations. That the underlying trait is entirely gone, however, seems unlikely.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“The fact is, there are probably no inherited traits that cannot also be enhanced, decreased, or entirely produced or eliminated by enough of certain kinds of life experiences.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“HSPs do more of that which makes humans different from other animals: We imagine possibilities. We humans, and HSPs especially, are acutely aware of the past and future. On top of that, if necessity is the mother of invention, HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness. Sometimes people with our trait are said to be less happy or less capable of happiness. Of course, we can seem unhappy and moody, at least to non-HSPs, because we spend so much time thinking about things like the meaning of life and death and how complicated everything is—not black-and-white thoughts at all. Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. And we certainly don’t get any happier having them tell us we are unhappy (by their definition of happy) and that we are a problem for them because we seem unhappy. All those accusations could make anyone unhappy. The point is best made by Aristotle, who supposedly asked, “Would you rather be a happy pig or an unhappy human?” HSPs prefer the good feeling of being very conscious, very human, even if what we are conscious of is not always cause for rejoicing. The point, however, is not that non-HSPs are pigs! I know someone is going to say I am trying to make an elite out of us. But that would last about five minutes with most HSPs, who would soon feel guilty for feeling superior. I’m just out to encourage us enough to make more of us feel like equals.”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person

“But compared to non-HSPs, most of us are: • Better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors. • Highly conscientious. • Able to concentrate deeply. (But we do best without distractions.) • Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed, and the detection of minor differences. • Able to process material to deeper levels of what psychologists call “semantic memory.” • Often thinking about our own thinking. • Able to learn without being aware we have learned. • Deeply affected by other people’s moods and emotions. Of course, there are many exceptions, especially to our being conscientious. And we don’t want to be self-righteous about this; plenty of harm can be done in the name of trying to do good. Indeed, all of these fruits have their bruised spots. We are so skilled, but alas, when being watched, timed, or evaluated, we often cannot display our competence. Our deeper processing may make it seem that at first we are not catching on, but with time we understand and remember more than others. This may be why HSPs learn languages better (although arousal may make one less fluent than others when speaking). By the way, thinking more than others about our own thoughts is not self-centeredness. It means that if asked what’s on our mind, we are less likely to mention being aware of the world around us, and more likely to mention our inner reflections or musings. But we are no less likely to mention thinking about other people. Our bodies are different too. Most of us have nervous systems that make us: • Specialists in fine motor movements. • Good at holding still. • “Morning people.” (Here there are many exceptions.) • More affected by stimulants like caffeine unless we are very used to them. • More “right-brained” (less linear, more creative in a synthesizing way). • More sensitive to things in the air. (Yes, that means more hay fever and skin rashes.) Overall, again, our nervous systems seem designed to react to subtle experiences, which also makes us slower to recover when we must react to intense stimuli. But HSPs are not in a more aroused state all the time. We are not “chronically aroused” in day-to-day life or when asleep. We are just more aroused by new or prolonged stimulation. (Being an HSP is not the same as being “neurotic”—that is, constantly anxious for no apparent reason).”
― Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Person