Set Boundaries, Find Peace Quotes

“Overly entangling yourself in other people’s problems is not an indicator of how much you love them. Instead, it shows your lack of healthy boundaries.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Do not take anything personally.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Let them know you’d like to be included in their next adventure. Invite them to do something with you. But also realize that their social life separate from you is no reflection on their relationship with you.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Open communication works best when done proactively before a small issue becomes a big problem. Little things can easily add up, so address issues even when you believe them to be “not that big of a deal.” You’ll be surprised at the “little things” that later come up as major issues, such as”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“When you’re faced with a challenge in your relationship, ask yourself: What is the real problem? What is my need? How do I need to communicate with my partner? What can I do to ensure that my need is met? What do I want from my partner to meet my needs?”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“just because you feel angry doesn’t mean you have to yell.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“I don’t have time to waste time.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“When you’ve practiced unhealthy boundaries for so long, it’s hard to consider your options. You’ve grown accustomed to not having choices.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“I had assumed that I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“I feared that standing up for myself would cost me my relationships. All the while, the personal cost was much higher.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“If you don’t get the process of setting a boundary right the first time, there are ways to try again.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“You are who you say you are.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“People may not recognize and adhere to your boundaries overnight. But with time, stating your expectations will become more natural to you, and people will become aware of them.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Don’t just name the boundary; create realistic actions that prevent you from defaulting on it.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“It’s not my job to save people. It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them. At that moment, I was proud of my boundaries and how far I’ve come in my ability to honor them. Through trial and error, I’ve learned, “If you don’t like something, do something about it.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them. It’s common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Despite all the fear around boundary setting, in my experience most people will graciously accept your requests. When people respond in an unhealthy way, it’s typically a sign that you needed limits a long time ago and that you need to reevaluate the relationship to assess whether your needs are being met satisfactorily.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Sometimes you feel sad because you've wanted the people in your life to just "get it" and self-correct, understanding your needs even though you haven't stated them directly. When someone puts you in the position of having to enforce a boundary, you may not feel cared for in that relationship.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“she was frustrated to be the only person responsible for making it work.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Speak up in the moment. When you remain silent, you give people the impression that what they said or did is okay with you. What you say doesn’t have to be well-thought-out or perfect. Simply say something like, “I don’t like it.” Saying anything is better than saying nothing.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“How to successfully communicate a boundary:
Be assertive, and follow these three easy (well, maybe not so easy, but doable) steps.
Step #1
Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone—don’t yell or whisper. People will miss the boundary if you use complicated words or jargon. Take a deep, deep breath, and focus on being precise.
Step #2
Directly state your need or request, or say no. Don’t just mention what you don’t like; ask for what you need or want. Identify your expectations, or decline the offer.
Step #3
Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them. It’s common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“When someone is assertive, they will think something like this:
“I know what my needs are, and I will communicate them to you.”
The healthiest way to communicate your boundaries is to be assertive. In contrast to all the forms of ineffective communication previously mentioned, assertiveness is how you clearly and directly state your needs.
Assertiveness involves communicating your feelings openly and without attacking others. It isn’t demanding. Instead, it’s a way of commanding that people hear you.
More examples of assertiveness:
• Saying no to anything you don’t want to do
• Telling people how you feel as a result of their behaviour
• Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences
• Responding in the moment
• Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issue with
• Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will them out”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“When someone is passive, they think something like this:
“I’m uncomfortable sharing my needs. Therefore, I will keep them to myself.”
Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable. People who communicate passively are afraid of how others will perceive their needs—maybe the other person will abandon them—so they do nothing to get their own needs met.
More examples of passiveness:
• Having an issue but not saying anything
• Allowing people to do and say things which you disagree
• Ignoring things that are triggering for you”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“The one thing Eric hadn’t tried in an effort to improve his relationship with his parents was to set boundaries with them. He believed he’d set them by telling his mother, “I don’t like Dad’s drinking” and occasionally ignoring his fathers phone calls. But I gently explained to Eric that these were passive-aggressive attempts.
When we passive-aggressively set boundaries, we say something indirectly to the other person, or we speak to someone who isn’t in a position to resolve the issue. He assumed Paul would catch the hint, but his father remained clueless. Instead of being direct with his dad, Eric tried for so long to ignore his own concerns and act like everything was normal. In this way, Eric’s behaviour was passive-aggressive; he acted frustrated without communicating his desires to his father.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“The number one question I’m asked about setting boundaries is “How can I set one without feeling guilty?” My immediate thought is “You can’t.” I know, I know—I’m a therapist; there must be something I can do to make boundaries guilt-free. But, nope, there isn’t. What I can do is help you deal with your discomfort. I can help you feel better about saying no. Coping with discomfort is a part of the process of establishing a boundary.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“The fear is, “Things will be awkward between us after this.” Well, declaring a fear makes it so. If you state that you’ll behave awkwardly during your next encounter, you will. What if you continued the relationship normally instead? State your boundary, and proceed with typical business. You can’t control how your request is received, but you can choose to behave in a healthy way afterward. Maintaining a level of normalcy will help keep future encounters healthy. Do you part. Model the behaviour you’d like to see in the relationship.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Your biggest fear is being mean. But what is “being mean” really? When you say “I don’t want to be mean,” you’re assuming that what you say to another person will be perceived that way. But how do you know what others see as mean? The truth is, you don’t. The fear of being mean is based on the assumption that you know how the other person will view your words. But assumptions are not facts; they’re hypotheses. Experiment with assuming that people will fully understand what you say.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

“Acceptance is the healthy way to respond to boundaries and is a sign of a functional, mutual relationship. Despite all the fear around boundary setting, in my experience most people will graciously accept your requests. When people respond in an unhealthy way, it’s typically a sign that you needed limits a long time ago and that you need to reevaluate the relationship to assess whether your needs are being met satisfactorily. Most likely, you’ve been denying the issue far too long. Perhaps your issue is being asked to do things, saying yes, and resenting the other person for asking. Or your issue might be allowing someone to say things to you that make you comfortable. Boundaries are the cure to most relationship problems. But both parties have to participate and respect the boundaries on either side.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself