One Moment Please Quotes

“Josh hands me a bottle of water while cracking a beer for himself. I eye it enviously. "Tell me what it tastes like. Describe in in vivid detail."

"It's IPA," he grumbles, wincing slightly at his first sip, "which means it tastes like piss."

I sigh dopily. "Sounds magical.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“So, what does any self-respecting millennial do when they don’t know what their future holds? They go back to school. Because surely a master’s degree at twenty-seven years old will be the answer to all my problems. Foolish.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“I attempt to chew the popcorn gag Dean just stuffed into my mouth, but a kernel gets sucked into the back of my throat. I hack over the bar--my hands splayed wide as I brace myself for impending death. Dean absentmindedly pat mys back because let's face it, I'm coughing so I'm breathing, but his swats are not helping. I beat my chest to try to prevent myself from asphyxiating as I grapple for my drink, which is woefully empty.

I grab Dean's draft beer, but as soon as the golden liquid hits my tongue, I dry heave from the horrid taste. Holy shit! Kate's right, IPA beer tastes like poison! My face screws up in disgust as I force the liquid down my throat and suck in a big breath of cleansing air. With a pathetic whimper, I wave my hands in front of my face and search for a cocktail napkin. Mr. Mustache bartender is still balls deep in the blonde, so I'm forced to use the back of my hand to wipe the dribble off my chin.

When I finally regain some semblance of composure I turn around to glower at Dean. "Your beer tastes like a skunk's ass.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“What happens next is not something I’m proud of. In fact, when I replay this scene later in my head, I’m going to wonder if perhaps I did need that psych evaluation after all. In one quick motion, I grab a fistful of what’s left of my pie in my bare hand like a softball. I lean so I’m face to face with the hot doc and shove the entire handful into my mouth. But of course, my mouth isn’t big enough, and it’s pie, not an apple, so most of the contents squirt from between my fingers. The majority of it plops onto the table, but a large dollop of chocolate mousse lands on the crotch of this apparently very well-endowed doctor.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“I change quickly in the bathroom and shuffle out feeling like a beached
whale in a muumuu as I crawl up onto the exam table. “You get to stay hot
and be checked out by cute nurses while I get to pork up and be optioned as
inspiration for a Thanksgiving Day parade float.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“When you were out picking up the pizza, the girls were arguing about which Jonas Brother you looked most like.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“Me: I did it. I finished. Kate: Aww, see? I told you if you used the bigger attachment on your vibrator, you’d climax quicker. Me: I’m not talking about masturbation, you perv.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“And I think he’s finally given up on the idea of me putting my shoes in the foyer closet.” “Guys are so dense sometimes.” “Totally.” “How can you remember what shoes you have if they aren’t scattered all over the house on display?”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“I can marry her and still stay detached enough to keep them safe. I’ll give her anything she needs to just stay with me.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“The closest I’ve come to sparks flying at my writing hangout was when an elderly man’s portable oxygen tubes fell off his face while he was reaching for a piece of pie. I bent over to pick them up for him, and when I attempted to hand them over, our fingers brushed, and I felt a gust of air blow right between my legs. The moment was ruined when I looked down to see that I had yanked the tubes out of the tank, and it was blowing fresh O2 right in my special place.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please

“Quiet, baby. You need to be quiet.” Baby? He’s never called me that before.”
― Amy Daws, One Moment Please