Official Book Club Selection Quotes

“My fear of camping: I’m convinced bugs will crawl up my vagina and lay eggs. Isn’t everyone?”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“It always pisses me off when I’m calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what—probably this book, so get ready, I’m comin’—when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: “So Kath, I don’t know what you chicks are always complaining about.” To which I respond: “Really? Why don’t you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“At St. Bernardine’s the nuns never liked me. Especially Sister Mary Bitch-and-a-Half. I think that was her biblical name.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“Of course, I’ve told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it’s God’s will.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“I was only a few years away from becoming an overnight success.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“We all make our own deals. [...] No one knows what happens in a relationship except the two people who are in it.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“One of my recurring D-list moments is when people stop me in the airport and tell me they loved me on SNL. I never know if they think I’m Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, or Chris Kattan. I just say “Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed me as Mango.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“This one guy Roland was so weird that during sex his voice altered—as if he were a fucking alien—and he started talking like a baby in a bizarre high-pitched voice. He’d start screaming shit like, “I just want to fuck my baby! I’m your baby! Will you be my baby? Baby? Baby?” For one thing, he couldn’t decide whether he was the baby or the daddy. Make up your mind, freak. I had to force myself out from under him and flee the apartment undressed, clutching my clothes.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I’ve never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They’re really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn’t get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“When my pals in high school were starting to drink, it always looked unappealing to me. I would be at a big party and see one of the popular girls or football players completely wasted and puking and acting a fool, and think to myself, There’s nothing cool about that. I never wanted to be that out of control.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“Presentation was the name of the Catholic church [my mother's family] attended, and this is what I love about the Irish: My mother became known as the second prettiest girl at Presentation parish. “Why was that okay?” I once asked her. “Oh, because everybody knew Mary Griffin was the most beautiful girl at Presentation,” she replied. My mom was happy to be on the D-list! Just like I’m not trying to be Brooke Shields, she wasn’t trying to be Mary Griffin.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

“My mother’s father was just called “The Governor,” or “Himself.” Which, if you have sixteen kids, probably isn’t as crazy as it sounds.”
― Kathy Griffin, Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin