Get Thee Behind Me, Santa Quotes

“There he was, skipping lightly across the surface of the water. He caught my eye and gave me that shit-eating grin again. “Be of good cheer. It is I. Be not afraid.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“Every muscle in his body tensed for action, adrenalin pounding through his tiny veins, he crept down the stairs, keeping to the corners (where he knew they creaked less). He peered around the bottom of the stairwell into the living room, and there he saw a lean, bearded man, clad only in a loincloth and a crown of thorns. When he bent over the Xmas tree, Tony saw that blood flowed freely from his bare hands and feet. Before the cherubic prepubescent could stop himself, the words flew out of his mouth: “You’re not Santa!”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“Jesus shook his head slowly from side to side, then thrust his left hand deep into Santa’s sack. Out came something resembling raw steak, slippery and pulsating, throbbing crimson fluid in every direction. Yanking up my shirt, he rapidly pressed his other hand against my right side. He closed his eyes, and I watched as the healthy liver in his hand became corrugated and cirrhotic. I then found myself, sealed once more within my prison of flesh, disgorging bile and ethanol from every orifice.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“The good news was that we’d found Santa. The bad news was that he was floating in a giant tube of clear fluid, seemingly unconscious. The worse news was that he was completely naked, except for a festive red hat; his clothes and his magic sack were piled neatly in a darkened corner.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“Jesus shrugged. “Have you read the Torah? God doesn’t pick the best of the best. He picks the guys who need help.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“I was staring at one of the most famous images of Santa Claus of all time — one by Thomas Nast, from Harper’s Weekly, 1881.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“The Revelation of Hashmal, which GOD gave unto him, to shew unto His servants things which shortly must come to pass; and Hashmal sent and signified it to his servant Simeon: Who bare record of the word of GOD, and of the testimony of Hashmal, and of all the things that he saw.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“I guess you could say I’ve got a monkey on my back. A monkey named Darwin.” He shrugged off the trench coat and there she was, clinging tightly to his shoulders. The hunch on his back wasn’t a hunch at all, but as fine a specimen of a female chimpanzee as I’m ever likely to see.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“The crucified figure had not been idle. A series of elaborate twists activated a cunning mechanism; the base of the cross blew apart, revealing a winding metal spring at the base. At the same time, there was a whir of machinery, a grinding sound of metal against metal, and a series of spindly steel tubes emerged from the head and arms of the cross; and as the jolly old elf grunted and arched his back, the giant laser-mounted pogo stick heaved into the air, leaving in its wake waves of devastation, and a merry, menacing cry of “Ho-ho-ho!”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“And dozens of tiny hands reached up, and cast back dozens of tiny hoods. The robes fell away, revealing a motley of brightly-colored, dwarfish creatures, perched atop one another’s shoulders, brandishing outlandish tubes of a shiny substance none present had ever seen before. With preternatural speed and precision, they were trained upon the wild-eyed Romans, and after a few frantic pumping motions, streams of fluid arced through the air towards them. Wherever they landed, upon flesh or armor, steam burst forth, and the soldiers screamed in agony. Many of them were seasoned, having put down rebellions throughout the Empire, but all of their training and experience failed them in the face of elves wielding super soakers. Super soakers filled with battery acid.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“Her eyes narrowed. “That is not the boy I raised.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“She sighed and stepped out of the room, pulling the door shut behind her. Turning around, she nearly tripped over some of the help. “Man, you little bastards are everywhere, aren’t you?” she mumbled to herself.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“The jolly old elf’s nose was red, but not from cold — rather, from the brutality of a dozen boxes of Kleenex. Mucus flowed freely down his cheeks, and mixed with tears of agony. She folded her arms, pursed her lips, and declared: “You’re not going out this week.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“Oh, this is not the time for us to get into that meshugenah debate again! Look, the point is that Jesus of Nazareth, who is a very big deal to the Boss, regardless of whatever metaphysically bewildering relationship they may have, has gone missing, on the eve of the single most important event in the history of Creation. The sentence parses, don’t look at me like that. And, through a comical series of events far too elaborate to detail here, you and I are going to be held directly responsible unless we figure out a way to fix this, and I mean yesterday! And I’m not being poetic, we’re angels, we can totally do that.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only

“The angel being interrogated paced back and forth, anxiously running his fingers through his hair. Of course, being an angel, he didn't really do any of those things — being a fearsome creature, all wings and feathers and eyes. You might say, rather, that he fluttered about in a vaguely serpentine fashion, straightening out and smoothing one half of his wings with the other. But then, that would be difficult to envision, and probably meaningless, in terms of effectively interpreting his peculiar range of emotion; so we’re just going to go ahead and say that he paced,
because these are angels, and poetic license is the only kind of license that holds any water with them.”
― Phillip Andrew Bennett Low, Get Thee Behind Me, Santa: An Inexcusably Filthy Children's Time-Travel Farce for Adults Only