Operation Cosmic Teapot Quotes

“Odin, not unlike Charlie Brown, sighed, “Good grief,” then added, “Why are we going to let this, this, coward on our trip? What do you see in him that could make you want him to come along?”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“I believe that my role as King of the Asgardians…”

Loki was quick to interrupt, “You mean you are an Ass Guardian!”

Everyone laughed.

“I mean…”

“Hey, Ass Guardian, what do you make of this,” Loki showed Odin his fuzzy moon.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Through the rainbow he was brave,
Although blood, he did not crave.
But Vikings, blood they should want.
Heads as trophies, they should flaunt.
But from behind, little Jimmy was run through,
A puddle of blood grew and grew.
So when Jimmy fell,
My tears they did swell.
And I cried.
And I cried.”

While there was scattered applause, most people just looked at him, confused. The poem was terrible. Heimdall knew it. The crowd knew it.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“The worst thing, however, was having to watch those Nazis use my philosophy, thanks to Elisabeth’s editing. They twisted it into something so perverse and unimaginable. Using it as part of their platform to execute genocide,” Nietzsche hung his head, shaking it at the ground, his hands clenched around the arms of the chair.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Marry me, Lou,” Nietzsche bent down on one knee, his knees creaked. He peered over top of his glasses with a gaze of pitiful defeat. He had met his match with Lou. She was brilliant, shrewd, and brave. Taking risks that other women dare not.

“Get up, Friedrich,” she responded, “You know that I won’t marry you or anyone else.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Why don't you come down that hall with me,” she asked, “Let me show you something that you probably haven't seen before.”

Nietzsche nodded again. He didn't understand what was happening but he knew that it was something he wanted. So they stood up. She led him to a room at the end of the hall by his hand.

And soon after, she gave him syphilis.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Loki shook his head in the darkness. That’s confusing, he thought, “And what is a Pennsylvania?”

“It's a large region of land. They say that this is where revolutions begin and nations are born. They say that this is a place where steel rules all and there is something called a cheese-steak sandwich that is supposed to be manna from heaven!”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“He passed the lighter down the table until Descartes held it in one hand while setting the greasy cylinder down on the table. After smoothing it out, Descartes sparked up the lighter. With the lighter drawn near the grease, the aroma of burnt hair filled the board room.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“They wept with joy, happy to see him alive. A smile crept across Fritz while being smothered in their affection, but all he could think about, and what he never forgot, were those mountains.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Though he was gone, Stairway to Heaven lingered in the gentle breeze. Sartre and Freya, while holding hands, began to sway back and forth until they found themselves wrapped in each other’s arms. Starting in Gimli, everyone followed their lead. Soon, across the whole world, and like the last song at a high school homecoming in the late 70s, people slow danced with each other.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Mazda paid little attention to Sartre.

“What's the matter? Afraid that you'll lose to a man? A mere mortal?”

This caught Mazda's attention.

“If you don't come and get me, I'll tell everyone that I beat a god. A giant pussy of a god.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“(clearing throat) I, Osiris, Egyptian God of the Dead, would like to write this formal complaint against all the gods that have repeatedly stolen my wooden penis and placed it in various locations around the building. Most recently, I had discovered my penis inside of Ishtar's ass and I'm none too happy about it. No one should have to endure the kind of humiliation that I did. I would like to see immediate disciplinary action.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Freya led Sartre to the first tent, near the water. Sartre pushed back the flap so that they could both enter. Two bushy-bearded gentlemen dressed as Vikings, one on top of the other, kissed hungrily at each other, making slurping spaghetti sounds.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“The hatred that I harbored for Lou and Paul faded into the background. The cold, lonely mountains which once filled my mouth and mind with the madness of Zarathustra shifted into a lithium passivity. Even Wagner was nothing more than a jester for some cathartic writing, allowing me to purge the bales of contempt that I had for the man.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Bullshit!” Thor shouted at the stage, causing the actor playing Estelle to look at the audience. Thor added, “Just leave. Be done with this nightmare of a play! Goddamn cowards!”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Sartre snickered. “Are you trying to make love to that thing, or put gas in it?” He stepped out of the car and flipped the heavy metallic switch, causing the machine to vibrate to life. Odin grunted a thank you as he squeezed the handle, “This liquid stinks.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Wagner took off a glove, “How dare you,” he exclaimed while slapping in Nietzsche in the ear.

This sent Nietzsche’s hypothalamus into overdrive. His frontal lobe shut down; he stopped thinking. Without delay, his arms shot forward, jabbing Wagner in the face twice.

“Oh yeah!?” Wagner screeched, losing his composure. He pushed Nietzsche into the opening that was cleared for the stilts walker. Unskilled in boxing, Wagner flailed his arms around Nietzsche’s face.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“So, he eagerly drove from Basel to Bayreuth before the festival began to watch the last rehearsals of The Ring Cycle. As he watched, it hit him like Odin's bowel movement: the opera was shit.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“God reflected back on a scene that he witnessed at Sodom, which had become too typical. A man entered a house, sat down in a chair, and quietly waited. Two children sat on the opposite side of the room. They stared at the man with their chins on their fists. The man stood up to move a foot rest close to the kids. He leaned forward to quietly explain, “I am here… to make… sweet love… to your daddy’s ass. Now listen… children… you might hear some… raucous noise… from that room… down that hall,” the man pointed towards the last door down a hall, “But don’t… be… alarmed. That’s just the sound… of two men… enjoying… the company of each other.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“...and according to Kings, at some point you sent two bears to maul a bunch of children. I believe forty-two of them, for taunting a bald child?”

“I know it seems a bit harsh now, but you have to understand, that was a long time ago. These were the days of the Hammurabic and Draconian Code. If you wanted to get someone's attention, you had to have the harshest penalties. People were going crazy for that kind of stuff. Besides, those kids were taunting one of my followers named Elisha.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Well, that's not true. I need to work for a living.”

“No, that's not true. You think you need to work like this because that's what you've been told. That is merely an idea put into your head. In actuality, you can walk away any time you want.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Sartre gazed upon Freya's beauty, continuously reminding himself that he should not stare. Every time that he let his guard down, his eye wandered back to her cherry lips. He wanted to know if they tasted as good as they looked. He trailed down and noticed how the slight cleft in her chin served to accentuate the much deeper cleft between her breasts.

Freya detected Sartre skimming her body. She liked it. This frail little man with the crazy eye was so much different than the strong, muscular brutes that she was used to. He was a cute little oddity.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“I ain't never heardin' of a place called Odin.”

Now Mazda knew. Hillbilly. A fucking hillbilly. If there was one thing that Mazda disliked more than Greeks, it was hillbillies. He grabbed the slack-jawed yokel by the throat and lifted him off the ground, “Not a place. A who.”

The man had a difficult time speaking, “Awho? Who's Awho? Is he at Odin?”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Nietzsche felt like Rommel, hiding behind The Cauldron at Gazala – waiting and biding his time while his enemies took their shots, holding his position. The impenetrable defense took down tank after tank until the enemy couldn’t fight any more. Then, a quick attack was mounted and Rommel took Torbuk in a single day. He chased the British to Egypt. That’s where Nietzsche was right now, mounting his offensive, ready to chase both God and the Norse. Oh, how he wanted vengeance on both fronts.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Yam raised an army of sea creatures designed to march on Mount Aqraa, to destroy Baal. He created some of the craziest monstrosities every seen: lobsters rode four-legged tuna like proud cavalry, sword fish infantry marched onward in perfect step, biped whales thundered towards the mountain, while winged sharks provided air support. An elite group of electric eel assassins were armed with both their innate ability to shock in melee combat and throwing star fish for long range skirmishes.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Freud kept himself amused while waiting for God by inhaling glue that was gummed up inside a plastic bag. In mid huff, God rushed through the door, “Oh my God, you have to try this,” Freud giggled. “I'm so baked. And dizzy. Actually, I don't feel good at all.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Alarmed, Odin announced, “This thing says Mazda on it!”

The group took a close look at the decal on the back of the car. Thor brought his war hammer over his head, “What is it? Can I smash it?”

Odin put his hand up, “No, wait. I don't think that this is a god. Look, there are others named Mazda, too. I think these are used to transport people.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“Mazda [Ahura] checked his phone and quickly received the message, “Neat,” he cracked a half smile, “I think I like Twitter.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“You think one man's death forgives a world of sins? How naive can you be? My edicts require people to be good to each other. To obey the laws that I sent to Moses. Everybody breaks those laws every day. That's millions upon millions of sins every day. Why would I send my son, no matter how weak I think he was, to be killed for people who are not worthy of my respect?”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot

“A few years later I learned that she had a kid. I did the math and came to the obvious conclusion that I was the dad. But she never tried to contact me. Instead, she told people that the birth of her son was a miracle. A virgin birth. The strangest thing is that people believed her!” God shook his head in disbelief.”
― Dylan Callens, Operation Cosmic Teapot