Some Were In Time Quotes

“We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”

"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses.

"Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know."

"But you do eat people?"

"I do not eat people," she yelled.

"But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely.

"Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."

She had a point - and a foul one at that.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Everybody stand back," Pat bellowed in a voice definitely more manly than girly. The Vamps flew around and squealed like girls. "It's gonna get stinky." "Oh my hell," Dima sputtered as she pulled me back toward the house. "Are they going to kill my father with anal acoustics?" "Very nice," I said as I pitched a throwing star at some incoming bad guys, removing a head and making the others duck for cover. "I'm impressed. I will accept that gross pun and raise you a booty belch, anal salute, cheek squeak and sphincter siren." "I'm going to be ill, but I will counter your offer with a butt bazooka, a crack splitter, Horton hears a poo, and a nice bout of rectal turbulence," she shot back as she beheaded something flying low over her head. Thankfully it wasn't a Vamp. "Can I play?" Hank asked. "Of course," I told him. "Panty burp, roar from the rear, air tulip, and ass ripper," he added proudly. "I will marry you," I said with a grin. "Your disgusting mind matches my own. And you deserve my friendship,”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“One person's normal is another person's hell.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Can I use my real cell phone now?" "Sure, why?" I asked. "Because I'm pretty sure I'm smarter now that I'm dead. I think I could kick that cheating computer’s ass crack in Scrabble," she said seriously.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“The booty bombs were in technicolor and they were loud. I now wondered if the explosions earlier were my Cow friends practicing. Dragons literally fell from the sky and Wolves curled into balls and convulsed as they gasped for air.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“A quick glance at Dwayne confirmed my worst fears. He looked ready to have a fit—similar to the one he'd thrown when he realized Milli Vanilli wasn't really singing.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“This was the first time I'd come across a Were Pigeon and I was kind of hoping it would be the last. These suckers had ridden the bus in from Crazytown and stayed.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“How did he find forty Pigeons?" I muttered to Hank as I watched in horror. "Junior can find a needle in a haystack. Finding forty Pigeons would be a no-brainer for him. Plus, I'm pretty sure he does online gaming with Pigeons," Hank explained. Of course he did.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Jesus H Christ," Hank gasped as he took in the deadly circus descending on us. "And then some," I muttered. "Wait. What does the H stand for?" "What?" "I mean, I've always wondered. It must stand for something because everyone uses the same initial." "Um… Henry?" Hank guessed. "Nice try, Henry James Wilson." I laughed. "I was thinking it might stand for Hesus." "So his name is Jesus Hesus?" Hank asked, confused.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“That is some farked up stuff you have in your blood, Vampyre," Granny grunted as she shook her head and chuckled. "I feel like I did after twelve hours straight of shopping on Black Friday last year." “Sorry, doll," Dwayne said as he ruffled her hair. "But thank you." "You're welcome, bloodsucker. You've become the undead grandson I never knew I wanted." "Oh my Donna Summer," Dwayne babbled as he hugged her tight. "As shittastic as this day is going, I'd repeat the whole damn thing to hear you say those words again." "I love you, you high maintenance undead girly boy," she said affectionately.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Oh my god." I laughed and then groaned. "You totally bought this car so you could legally say hummer all the time without getting in trouble." "Guilty," he sang and then high-fived Granny.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“How about we go scare the hell out of the Pack with the flying mangy Werewolf?" Hank's wolf grinned, which would look frightening if you didn't know him. "That is fabulous," I squealed. "While I wholeheartedly agree with the devious activity," Dwayne said with a hand on his hip and his brows raised high, "if you call me mangy one more time, I will fly over your head and pee on you." "Okay, that's just gross," I said as I shuddered. "What if we just call you nappy?" "I prefer kinky," he informed us with a grin. "Of course you do." I rolled my eyes and chuffed. "Alright, kinky Vamp, you ready to go have some fun with the wolves?" "Oh my god," Dwayne shrieked as he levitated and did flips in the air. "I haven't had this much fun since I went fishing naked in the Bermuda Triangle with Hemingway, some Pygmy fellas and a Were Skunk named Herm.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Do you have to do that to fly? I didn't think… oh my freakin' hell, Dwayne! Button the bottom of your coat. Your man bits are blowing in the wind." I groaned as I buried my muzzle in my paws. "When did you become such a prude?" Dwayne huffed as he adjusted his coat. "I'm not a prude," I snapped. "It's just alarming to look up and see my BFF's weenie and friends bouncing in the breeze." "Fair point, well made," he said. "I would find it disturbing to glance up at a faceful of your knockers too.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Hank said. "Wait. Am I hearing Dwayne in my head?" "Oh my god," I yelled. "Are you?" Hank shook his big furry head and stilled. "Say something, Dwayne," he said slowly. "I think you could pull off gauchos with your ass," Dwayne volunteered.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Oh dear sweet baby Jesus, all the angels and saints, the Goddess, Mother Earth, all my ancestors and Dolce and Gabbana, my prayers have been answered! We'll be hosting the nuptials of my son and my darling daughter-in-law on our land. Praise Buddha," she shouted. Again the crowd went nuts. "Boy, she really hit a large cross-section of deities," Dwayne observed. "Can you pry me out of her knockers?" I begged, still unable to see anything except the cavern between her bosoms.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Um, Dwayne, what in the Hell are you wearing?" I asked as I took in his ensemble. "Drawstring gauchos and a spandex tear-away halter top," he answered. "You like?" "Is that a trick question?”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Holy hell, Essie," Dwayne gushed with joy. "If I was straight I would totally fight Hank for your ass." "Thank you," I said. "Wait what?" Hank yelled. "You're mine." "I know," I told him. "Dwayne was just giving me an unfiltered and inappropriate compliment." "It's true," Dwayne concurred. "I'd bang the hell out of Granny too if I enjoyed hoohoos." "TMI, Dwayne," I muttered. Junior shut his eyes again and put his hands over his ears. "Sweet baby Jesus in a jock strap, I can't unhear any of this." "Dwayne, I'd just like to say I find that flattering." Granny smiled as she adjusted her boob tube and blew him a kiss.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“We don't know for sure that it was WTF," Junior cut in before Dwayne went into a blood-curdling, therapy-inducing story of how we should do it. "I'd bet my left boob, it's the bigger one, that they know what happened," Granny said without an ounce of embarrassment. "Wait," Dwayne said, confused. "I thought the right one was bigger." Granny grabbed her bosom and felt herself up. "Oh my god," Junior mumbled. "I don't know where to look right now.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“It's just gonna be a bunch of nekkid Werewolves dancing around and then going all furry," Granny said as she downplayed the magical ceremony and patted Dwayne's head like a dog. "But that sounds like fun," he moped. "I want to get naked and furry too." "Dude," I reminded him and I joined in on the petting. "You're a Vampyre. You don't shift." "I know that," he said with an eye roll. "But I have a fabu faux fur coat that I could slip into after the naked dance.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“I glanced over at my friend. He was slumped over like a bald, deflated, sequined blow-up doll.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“You might not know how to keep your possum in your pants, but you're a nice boy. You don't deserve to die because you can't keep your flesh sword in your grundies.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Guess you should have thought about that when you were doing the horizontal hula with half of Georgia,”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“You weren't a real priest, were you?" I asked as I slurped down the rest of my soda. "Oh heavens, no." I paused and placed my glass back on the table. "Oh my God, all their lives that woman and her three-toothed husband thought they were legally married." "Sweet Baby Jesus in a thong," Dwayne gasped as he paled even more than his usual shade. "I never thought about that. There could be thousands of toothless bastards running around the world thinking they're legitimate. Sweet mother of Lady Gaga," Dwayne wailed, attracting the attention of everyone in the small diner. "What have I done?”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Do you hate me?" Dwayne blubbered. "Um… no?" I answered wondering if this was a trick question. "Well, I am feeling hate. I have only been in one wedding in my three hundred years. The bride was an absolute cow and the groom had three teeth." I winced at the image he'd just planted in my brain and hoped this was going to be one of his shorter diatribes. "There were a total of three blind people and four others that no one knew at the wedding and I had to wear a robe." "Why in tarnation were you wearing a bathrobe?" Granny asked. I kicked her under the table. We did not need to encourage these nightmare-inducing stories. "It wasn't a bathrobe," Dwayne huffed indignantly. "I have far better taste than that. It was a clerical robe." "I'm about to ask a question that I'm sure I don't want the answer to, but… why were you wearing a clerical robe?" Because as much as I didn't want to hear the rest of the story, my morbid curiosity always got the better of me. "It was when I was a Catholic priest," he said as if that were even a little bit logical. "I got nothing," I mumbled as I held up my hand and tried to get Donna Jean's attention so we could order, eat and leave.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Those Weasels are a bit odd," Dwayne said, buttoning his pants as we walked across the street to the diner for lunch. "Oh, they're nice girls," Granny said as she dropkicked her phone into the fountain in the middle of the town square. "They're just not used to peckers touching the inside of their dresses before they've been sold." "Oh dear lord," Dwayne gasped, completely mortified. "I'll wear panties next time.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“I'm going to have to ask you to step out of your car." "Really?" I asked as I bit down on my lip to keep from squealing with excitement. "Yes. Step out of the car and place your hands on the hood." "Can I put on some lip gloss first?" I asked politely. "No ma’am, you cannot. Out of the car now. It would be a shame to have to cuff you and bring you downtown.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“You'll be working with another undercover agent," Angela said. Ignoring my question, she let go of her hair to pull a flask from her purse and take a healthy swig. "Who's the agent and who's bugging your phone?" I asked as I thought about asking for a sip. This day was quickly turning to crap.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“I'd suggest you tell us what you want," Hank said in a voice the made the hair on my neck stand on end. "You have five seconds or I'll let the love of my life have at your nuts. When she's done I'll rip your heads clean off of your bodies." God, my man was sexy.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

“Do Dragons eat Mexican?" Hank wondered out loud.

"Dude, they eat people. Mexican is a vast improvement over people.”
― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time