Mad Monkeys Quotes

“Harry and I were now tubing side-by-side, and I could smell him—and he smelled bad.
“Hey, so you guys brought your own booze, aye?” he said. “That’s clever. Wanna know a trick I use to score free beers?”
For some reason, Harry always seemed to be low on cash, even though there were rumors going round that he was born into a wealthy family of British aristocrats.
“Sure,” I said.
With a mischievous grin, he then told me his secret plan. “You know, mate, when I’ve got just a bit of beer left in my glass, I give it a little rub with my fingers—running these two,” he said, holding up his index and middle fingers, “right through my butt crack. Then I walk up to the bartender, hold the glass under their nose, and say, ‘Apologies, but my beer seems to have an odd smell.’”
“My god, Harry…”
“Works like a charm—they always give me a fresh one on the house,” he said, giving me the most awkward wink in human history.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“As Tom and I boarded a bus to Bangkok, I swallowed a couple of knock-off Valium pills I’d bought earlier at a local pharmacy to numb the agony of the long ride ahead. I was blasted out of my mind in the front seats, high up on the double-decker bus, forgetting to breathe at times, lost in the hazy depths of my mind. Tom yelled at me to get my shit together, and I tried to keep myself busy by playing games and challenging myself to hold my breath as long as possible. It felt like the Valium made time stand still, and I held my breath for what seemed like an eternity. But even that got old after a while, and the hours dragged on like an endless fever dream.
Then there I was, back in Bangkok again, wondering why the hell I kept coming back.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“Rose. That was her name. Simple and sweet, like the flower.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“Ah, come on, dude!” I said, taking a long swig from my bottle. “There must be something! Something that you do differently from all those other schmucks—like myself—out there.”
“Alright, alright, hold your horses! You wanna hear the actual secret? The simple truth that everybody wants to know? The thing that’s right in front of your nose but hardly anyone sees?” John looked around as if to make sure nobody was eavesdropping, but there was no one around. He leaned in to whisper something in my ear.
“Alright. Now, listen very closely…”
It got awfully quiet as I eagerly waited for the answer.
John squinted his eyes.
Then, he ripped a huge fart.
One that was so loud it could have been a serious contender for the Guinness World Records, if they had a category for fart volume (turns out they do). The thing even smelled the part.
“God damn it, you asshole!”
And we couldn’t stop laughing.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“Once, we ordered a banana shake. It took a while before three little guys sprang into action, while a fourth, who was their supervisor, kept a close eye on them. One grabbed ice from the freezer, another sliced the banana with great care, and it was up to the third one to toss it all into the blender. Then they just stood there, watching with great anticipation as the blender worked. And that was just the beginning of the show. Then all three of them lined up and strolled over to our table to deliver our shake, followed by the supervisor, who appeared to be a real shit-sniffer. They stood there for a while, shy and indecisive. Then the supervisor yelled something at them. Startled, they awakened from their confusion and the ritual continued. Each of them had their own designated task. One placed the coaster, another balanced the tray, and the third delivered the shake with delicate precision. Then they looked at us with strange smiles—like one day they’d kill us all.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“As we lay there, the weight of the world lifted from my chest. The miles that separated me from home and the memories that once haunted me had vanished. There were no thoughts, no past or future, just us and the beating of our hearts. We slept like babies that night, long forgetting there was still a killer on the loose.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“At one point, I noticed I had drifted off too far from the shore. It felt as if the current had grown arms and grabbed me by the balls. I gazed back at Sally. She looked like a cardboard cutout, her eyes wide as if she’d seen a ghost. Where the hell did Pete go?! I couldn’t tell. The neon lights of the mountain blinded me. They seemed to dance around me like little glowing seahorses. I panicked and started swimming back to shore like a madman, fighting against the tide. Then Sally’s voice—or was it Pete’s?—cut through my panic: “Put down your feet!” I followed the orders. It turned out the water was shallow, like a parking lot puddle. I stood up, the water barely reaching my knees, and walked back to shore triumphantly.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“How did he become this insatiable womanizer who took things one day at a time? Maybe he was overcompensating for something, I thought. Maybe the Man in the Sky had cursed him with a microscopically small penis. Maybe it was all some Freudian Oedipus conflict, where he needed to outdo his dad as a bigger playboy than he once was. Or maybe he was just desperately looking for somebody to love, someone who could keep up with him and his hyperactive mind.
Who knew.
I sure didn’t.
What could possibly motivate a guy who could come up with these profound insights about life, and at the same time use opening lines like “My dad says I’m a great kisser” and “Hey, who keeps farting in my pants?”
You tell me.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“Once Jonas and Sara had gone to bed, Hannah and I found ourselves leaning in closer with every conversation. She was wonderful, and this became clearer with each passing minute. Around two in the morning, I put my arm around her. It just felt like the right thing to do. Not long after, our lips met for the first time. We were now sailing on open waters, surrounded by nothing but sea. Far in the distance, a great thunderstorm was lighting up the night sky. Our feet dangled off the edge of the steering room balcony as we rode toward the stormy horizon. At that moment, it was just us. With the rest of the world fast asleep, we stood on top of the world, at the edge of everything. It was in this fleeting moment that two lost souls found one another.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“I couldn't believe I was sitting in front of the same girl. Or maybe her years of traveling had turned her into a woman. It's never really clear when that transition happens—if it even happens at all.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“Up until then, I had always been frightened of the world, always on edge and afraid the things outside might hurt me in the slightest of ways. "A pussy," as Travis would call it.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost

“Now I was living the nine-to-five life, with every minute of my day carefully planned out, every hour stripped of any disruptions of moments of spontaneity, and every day feeling unusually the same.”
― A.C. van Wonderen, Mad Monkeys: The darkly funny road trip novel for anyone who’s ever felt lost