The Home Court Advantage Quotes

“ Okay, this is a fictional character," Lily began. "And he's like a human."
"What?" Adam asked her, looking befuddled. "What the fuck does that mean? He's like a human?" He shook his head and scowled at her.
"He wears clothes!" she said frantically. I had a feeling that this game had Lily on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
"He wears clothes. Great. Well, that narrows it down." The sands of the hourglass were pouring away and Braden, Cam, Jess and I, were laughing our asses off this exchange already.
"And he walks upright!" she added waving her hands frantically.
"I would hope that most of the people in this game walk upright! Give me a real fucking clue already!" Adam had that homicidal look again.
"Duh huh!" she said desperately.
"Hey! All you've told me is that he's a fictional character who wears clothes and walks upright. Don't duh huh me!" he spit out angrily.
"No! No! he says that!" Suddenly she started making barking noises.
"Are you okay?" he asked looking at her like she was nuts.
"Has a place in Florida..." She looked seriously stressed out. I was starting to worry.
"He's retired?" Adam asked, still looking confused.
"He wears bright colored clothes. He tells jokes."
"It sounds like you're describing my Uncle Murray," Adam was shaking his head.
"Time!" I yelled, almost peeing myself I was laughing so hard.
"Goofy! The answer was Goofy!" Lily said with disgust.
"Goofy?! That was the best you could come up with for Goofy?!”
― N.M. Silber, The Home Court Advantage

“Okay," Adam began, "Now concentrate! This was a real person. White suit!"
"Colonel Sanders!" Lily replied quickly.
"Colonel Sanders? I said it was a real person, not a logo for a chicken joint!"
"He was a real person! If you don't believe me look it up!"
"Whatever! Not Colonel Sanders though. Humor!" he said urgently.
"Steve Martin!" She clapped her hands with joy, obviously believing that they had finally gotten one right.
"No, uh..." He searched for another clue.
"Wait! White suit and humor but not Steve Martin?" She looked crushed.
"I just said no!" He yelled! "Hannibal!"
"Um, uh, Dumbo..." she said with a deeply pensive expression.
"Dumbo?! What the fuck?!"
"Hannibal! Elephants! And before you say it he was real, too, you schmuck!"
"Guess again goddamnit!"
"Anthony Hopkins!" Adam threw down the card and looked like he was going to cry.
"Halley's Comet!" he growled.
"Halley's Comet?! What in the hell do you mean Halley's Comet!"
"Time!" Braden informed them gleefully, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes.
"Mark Twain! You're an author Christ's sake!" Adam bit out.
"Oh, right! He was from Hannibal, Missouri! What in the hell did Halley's Comet have to do with Mark Twain?!"
"It appeared on the day he was born and the day he died! Duh huh!" Adam said.
"This isn't Trivial fucking Pursuit!" Lily shot back. "Why didn't you say Mississippi or riverboat or frog jumping contest or something besides Halley's Motherfucking Comet?!"
"Because they're all forbidden motherfucking words! Miss 'like a human'!" he yelled.”
― N.M. Silber, The Home Court Advantage

“And this is your close friend, Drew?" he asked looking at Mark...

"Good buddy... Just hanging out here. Doing guy stuff."

"Talking about women. And sports. And beer. And uh..." Mark added.

"Condoms," Drew added and I rolled my eyes. Brilliant.”
― N.M. Silber, The Home Court Advantage

“You've slept with Gabrielle?" Adam asked. "You haven't slept with her too, have you, Mark?"

"No!" Mark answered.

"Good, or I would have felt really left out.”
― N.M. Silber, The Home Court Advantage

“Well, first of all, hello, I’m Lance Jennings and I’m an actor,” he explained to the judge, sounding like he was doing a public service announcement. “I was hired to do promotional work for the Bucket O’ Chicken restaurant. I was not informed that I might be verbally abused and attacked in the street!”

“Objection. Nonresponsive,” Braden interrupted.

“Get to the point, Mr. Jennings!” Judge Channing admonished.

“I was simply playing my role out on the sidewalk when a cretin with dreadlocks began calling me a murderer. Like I killed the damned chickens myself! I don’t even like chicken!”

“He called you a ‘murderer’. Did he threaten you in any way?” I asked with a glimmer of hope. Maybe I could at least build a record to support a defense for trial.

“Yes! He asked me how I would like it if someone lopped off my leg and served it with gravy! I was in fear for my life!” There went the glimmer. The chicken was a ham.”
― N.M. Silber, The Home Court Advantage

“I must have a vagina like a Tardis – a Dr. Who-hah. And, on my God, I’m a geek!”
― N.M. Silber, The Home Court Advantage