How to construct a coffin with six karate chops Quotes

“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be lonely, would I? And what’s the point of a saxophone if not to celebrate despair?”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it cheaper.
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― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.
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― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I let wine breathe. And I hold my breathe, so it can get all the air.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I wear my shirts inside out, because I’m an introvert.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.
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― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I own my own shoelaces, but my shoes I rent by the bowling game.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“If my name were Ouch, it would pain me to introduce myself. As it is now, I only find my name mildly tortuous.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I don’t care if I’m on the moon, the party is on the sun, and I am an albino, you should still invite me.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My name is heroic. You just have to rearrange all the letters, and possibly replace a few.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I have no regrets. Just original grets.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It is an expensive hobby, but well worth the money I spend on it.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops