How to construct a coffin with six karate chops Quotes

“Whole trees are good fishing nets. I fish like I farm.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)
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― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that's true, it makes me sound wealthy and you sound poor, when the reality is we're both broke.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I didn't have romantic feelings for her, but my penis did. So what else could I do but obey the Master?”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I’m not flat broke. I’m a little hilly.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It should be “Politician you out.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I am the sum of all somes, with a few scattered nones and nuns thrown in (though I didn’t throw the nuns in, as I don’t condone violence).”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My watch has two hands. So do I. I’d better watch my watch to see if it also masturbates.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I like a man who pauses to reflect, while pausing in the mirror to reflect. I can imagine that such a man would look exactly like my clone.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Don’t go on a ghost tour, because you won’t see a ghost. Well, you might. Maybe I have ghost blindness and can’t see the invisible.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Babies look better when they’re all dressed up—in bacon.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“There’s a mime convention this weekend, so things should be pretty quiet around town. It’s possible that your pubic hair makes me sneeze.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I wear a mustache, both as a disguise—and as a cooter tickler.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. 
Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My penis is looooooong. Wait, I think I left off an O. Probably better that way, so I can use it as my middle initial.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to a pack of masturbation.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I’d scale the tallest tree, just to surreptitiously watch you sunbathe naked. So the real question is, does that make me romantic—or heroic?”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“The crowd was patriotic, and they were chanting “USA, USA.” Of course, the crowd was also dyslexic out at the state university of Arizona, so it came out, “ASU, ASU.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around barefoot for a week, in honor of a man who died a senseless death. What a tragedy he didn’t wear larger shoes, so that his death could have meant something.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“While I love people, I hate every single person. I only like a person if they’re in a relationship.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Don’t chop off your fingers because you have an itch. That’d be dumb. Instead, take a scalpel and try extracting the effected area of flesh.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops