How to construct a coffin with six karate chops Quotes

“How do you seduce a whole continent? One person at a time.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I sleep on my side. And if you’re not on my side, you’re against me.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“A blowjob is the only employment I can get. At least in a bathroom stall.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows.
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― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Jack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Just don’t stand around and say, “Just don’t stand around.” That’s my job, and there can’t be two people circle working.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and swallowing, which is drinking.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more peaceful, and cooler, world.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“There are so many cheeses that I can't keep track of all their names. The dairy farmers should simplify things and name every cheese after me.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I'll call you too, because I'm your fifth cousin on your father's side.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I do every other every other. That’s how thoroughly unthorough I am.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“While you weren't looking, I flicked a booger in your soup. Just my way of saying thanks for dinner.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My apartment complex isn’t. In fact, it’s rather simple.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“When you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“If it’s been more than 24 hours, you call the cops and I’ll buy the flowers. I’ll meet you at church, first for your husband’s funeral, and then for our wedding.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I said if I get her pregnant, I’d get to name our kid. She asked what I’d call it. I said, Tinkledink Swollengorge. She said, What if it’s a girl? I said, That is the girl’s name.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening where others saw none.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“She’s my compliment. That’s a kind way of saying I’m lacking.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“As she stood in the corner, I thought her elbow was her nipple. That’s just the kind of pervert I am.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I wear my underwear on the outside of my itch.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already someone in the shower.”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops

“I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!”
― Jarod Kintz, How to construct a coffin with six karate chops