Tell Me It's Real Quotes

“I don’t think this is working out between us,” I told him. “You and I want different things. It’s not me, it’s you.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn't think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of letting me get to the gym where I would have transformed myself into a walking sex god, he created a Dunkin' Donuts out of nothing and then gave them away for free. I didn't make it to the gym. I had a bear claw instead. And a maple bar. And some donut holes. And then some more donut holes.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a unicorn ;)”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Because sometimes it’s about letting go of what your mind tells you and following what your heart shows you instead. That’s how you know it will always be real.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“He was hard lines, chiseled flesh, bronzed skin. I was a marshmallow melting in a cup of cocoa.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“He snorted into his radicchio, which I admired because it was a pretty purple. The radicchio was purple, not his snort. Just in case you got confused there. I don't think it's possible for people to snort colors. We're not unicorns, after all.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“After all, one does not scream at lesbians in Doc Martens unless one wants to receive a penis kicking.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Be gone, you he-bitch!”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Sometimes I wonder if you should be on medication," Charlie said. "It can't be healthy to have you thinking all by yourself without some kind of pharmaceutical intervention.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“You think I gave you crack?"

"Maybe."

Is there anything about me that screams crack?"

He grinned as he swayed. "Your butt crack," he whispered before dissolving into giggles.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“That’s a federal crime,” I told him. “Punishable by three to five years in a minimum-security prison. You’ll get passed around like condiments at a barbeque.” “My hole is already quivering,” he said.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“The ass to end all asses,” I said, unable to stop myself. “The Holy Grail of asses. If we lived in a world with fairies and elves, there would be epic quests to go get that ass. I wanted to bite it.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Ix-nay!" I hissed at him. "Ix-nay!" I didn't know why I resorted to Pig Latin right then. It just seemed like the thing to do.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“There’s too many other people in the world who want nothing more than to kick you when you’re down. Don’t you dare do that job for them.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Okay, okay. So. First things first. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Second thing: I should probably say “thank you” for saving my life. Say it and then follow it up with something funny like… okay. Spinach joke. Spinach joke. Shit. Um… Oh, I know! What do anal sex and spinach have in common? If you’re forced to have either as a child, you won’t want it as an adult. Holy fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? There is no way I can make a spinach/molesting joke! I am a monster. Think of something else. Think of anything else!”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Way gay,” I reassured him. “Like, super gay. I fart and rainbows come out.” Oh, crap.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Eric’s ass is so loose it sounds like wind blowing over a cave entrance when he walks.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“JUST so you know, I don’t have a gargantuan penis.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“is Whitney? Is that your dealer?” “Whitney Houston,” Mom said. “You know, dear. She was that singer who sang that song you like that Helena performed.” “‘Hit Me Baby, One More Time?” “That’s Britney, dear.” “‘Dirty?” “That was Christina.” “Umbrella?” “And that was Rihanna. Larry, you’re embarrassing yourself. You have a gay son, for God’s sake. How can you not know your divas?” Mom sounded affronted. “Paul? Paul! If you can hear me, don’t listen to your father! He obviously doesn’t know his ass from his elbow!” “Language,” Dad scolded. “And I know my divas. I know them very well. What about that Woman Goo-Goo that Helena performs like?”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Standing near the wall, surrounded by what looked like a group of total fratty jockish dudes, was a man. A very fine man. He looked a few years younger than me, with brown hair that fell all over his head in an artfully messy way that looked like he might have just rolled out of bed, but you knew was done on purpose. He had thick, pretty lips that were made for sin, stretching into a delicious smile that showed even teeth. Dimples. Fuck me up, we have dimples! Deep, deep dimples that I wanted to put my tongue into. I blushed a fire red, but I didn’t stop my depraved up and down assessment.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“I’m not effeminate. I’m just… animated.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Paul?” “Yeah?” “Don’t take this the wrong way.” I tried not to flinch. Here it comes. Vince sighed. “I think I’m going to fall in love with you.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“and every time I saw him in the hall, I couldn’t help but think, There goes Captain Hook,”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Who needs normal when abnormal is the greatest thing in the world?”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“You're so used to what you had before that this is scaring you. And it'd be easier to walk away. It would be easier to pretend this never happened. But the things we want in life will never be easy, and if you want it, if you really do, then you need to fight for it with everything you've got. It's only yours to lose, Paul. Only you can make it go away.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“I don't think this is working out between us," I told him. "You and I want different things. It's not me, it's you.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Don’t be such a baby. There’s too many other people in the world who want nothing more than to kick you when you’re down. Don’t you dare do that job for them.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“I’ll go back down and thank him properly, if you know what I mean.” “He would, too,” Charlie huffed. “Eric’s ass is so loose it sounds like wind blowing over a cave entrance when he walks.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“She slapped me upside my head. For being such an old little thing, she had freakish strength.”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real

“Judging from your wardrobe, you wouldn’t know fashion if it fucked your mouth and came on your face,”
― T.J. Klune, Tell Me It's Real