Help! My Face Is Falling! Quotes

“No one–and I mean no one!–ever sat me down, nudged me, or gave me the elbow or the wink that getting old would be like
this.
Why is that?! If I had known, I would have been at least a bit prepared for the cyclone event that would befall me.
No elderly person I’ve known ever looked hysterical, ran around panting like a dog, or screamed like a banshee while ripping off their clothes and diving into the sea!
So, why no muffled screams from the cheap seats? Why no letter have I received, sealed with an emblem in blood and no return address, simply marked: “Warning—dated material enclosed—Run!”
Come on now, elderly people look so cute and sweet. I see them on the bus, at church, on laxative commercials, but always smiling.
Have they been warned that if you scream your bloody guts off—you will be banished to Century Park Village, sans any golf cart or Ibuprofen?
What I have witnessed my body do in the past 10 years would scare a newborn back into the womb.
And trust me, if ‘Seth spoke’, he’d definitely have a few things to say about this shit show!
And where the hell is “Bridget Jones’s Diary: Menopocalypse!” Knee-Deep in a Hot Flash!?”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“Excerpt—
So, let’s review, Doc…
To maintain this ‘effortlessly’ youthful appearance of mine, I’ll need to schedule hormone therapy, use a daily regimen of retinol and vitamin C for my face, apply cream tighteners for my neck, engage in about a thousand facial exercises a day, and
even sleep on my head for good anti-gravity measure.
Oh, and let’s not forget walking around the house with a pulsating light laser on my face. And of course, maintaining a rabbit-ona-food-strike diet and drinking water until I’m sick of the taste.
No more wine, just CBD mood relaxers, and don’t forget the waist cincher! The more out of breath, the better.
There’s minoxidil for my shedding hair, collagen supplements, and protein peptides. Then there are the laser treatments, bi-annual Botox, and facial injections.
And let’s not forget, the copper socks for ankle swelling, magnetic bracelets and rings, and higher strength readers every few months.
Not to mention, keeping a handy lighted magnifier near my bed for emergencies and replacement pillowcases for the heat and sweat eruptions.
For the aches and pains, there’s Ibuprofen for my back. And let’s not forget, to keep arthritis at bay (and keep my hands from looking like a turnip), hot paraffin wax—and giant sock and foot booties at bedtime... all while staring at the ceiling like a zombie at 3 am with my neck floating in a tsunami of sweat.
...And just when I thought I could relax, I’ve got to try my best to make painful sex winces sound like erotic pleasure groans,
(all for his precious ego).
Resist the urge to give my hubby just one good slap square across his face for just being a man. And not be pissed at his ability to jump up, take a shower, shave, and be out the door in 20 minutes.
And most importantly, every single day, deliver a smile for the cameras and say, “I feel freaking awesome”!!!
So, Doc, when do I get to kick back and enjoy life?”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“Whenever you feel like you’re too old, that you don’t have the right clothes to wear, need to lose weight first, feel self-conscious, or
think it’s easier to just crawl back under the covers and hover your remote—that’s the moment—the exact moment—to let go of your
fears and ‘Just Do It.”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“Here’s the truth: Menopause doesn’t diminish who we are; it reveals a new depth. I’m more grounded now, focused on what truly brings me joy, and more in tune with my needs and
boundaries. I’ve become more patient and compassionate with myself, more certain of my worth, and fiercely dedicated to self-care. I stand firmly in and am thankful for the wisdom that comes with this stage of life. It’s not the years that change us, but the choices we make in navigating them.”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“Age–
I don’t wear her particularly well.
She despises my stubbornness,
as I abhor her impatience.
We’ve made a deal–
She will let me dance in my stilettos,
as I let her mold me in her wisdom.”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“With age comes a softer view. You learn to pick your battles or just walk away altogether. You learn that it’s okay to not always
feel okay, and you learn to embrace the gray areas. It’s easier to stand in peace than struggle in winning every fight.”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“Lately, I’ve found myself spending more and more time in front of the mirror, holding my face taut, whispering, ‘There you are!”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required