Emotional Vampires Quotes

“In graduate school, I learned this simple distinction: when people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Life offers a cruel choice: you can be right or happy. Not both. This is true regardless of whom you may be involved with, but it is especially true if there is an emotional vampire in your life.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“When you try to extinguish a tantrum by ignoring it, the first response you always get is called an extinction burst. People will do whatever it is you are trying to ignore louder, longer, and more enthusiastically. This might make you believe that ignoring them isn't working, but what it actually means is that it is.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Don't let a Narcissist, or any other kind of vampire, get away with nonverbal disapproval. Unspoken communication has much more power than mere words because it is ambiguous. If a Narcissist says you did something wrong, you can at least disagree. If he only hints at it, you are left wondering if what you're seeing really means what you think it does, or if the whole thing is somehow your fault, or whatever else you might be imagining. ... Translate rather than pointing the finger. This is the tricky part because it is subtle, but it will make all the difference. An unsubstantiated accusation of an internal state, like, "You're bored," invites defensiveness. A translation, like, "You keep looking at the clock; I'm assuming you're bored," is much harder to deny. A Histrionic might try, but other kinds of vampires will have to concede that they are indeed looking at the clock.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Paranoid vampires don’t understand the concept of trust. They never seem to realize that trust is supposed to be in their own minds, rather than in the actions of other people. Consequently, if you’re close to one of these vampires, you’ll have to re-earn his or her trust every hour on the hour. This is especially true if your relationship is sexual. A Paranoid vampire’s idea of foreplay is 20 minutes of questioning about exactly what you were thinking the last time you made love.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“To be psychologically healthy, we have to believe that what we do has some effect on what happens to us. Even if the perception of control is delusional, it usually leads to more productive action than believing that what we do makes no difference.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic vampires are absolutely shameless in their fantasies about how great they are and how much everybody admires them, or should.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Never answer a why question! You will suddenly discover that the discussion has changed to a critique and defense of your reasons, and your original statement has suddenly changed to a tentative proposition that you will be allowed to keep only if your reasons are good enough. ... The purpose of a why question is never to understand your reasoning, it is to elicit words that can be twisted. If you don't give them, there'll be nothing to twist. Remember, the answer to a why question is an explanation, and explaining always makes angry situations worse.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Emotional Vampires never grow up. Throughout their lives, they see themselves as victims of fate and the unpredictability of others. Stuff happens, and they just respond to it. As a result, they have no opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and they just keep on making the same ones over and over.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“While you're taking your minute to think, consider the possible outcomes. Immediately discard any that involve making the Bully back down and admit that you're right. You cannot be right and effective at the same time.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“All vampires use self-hypnosis to avoid seeing themselves as they really are, but Histrionics are virtuosos of self-deception. Like stage magicians, they divert their own awareness away from the strings and wires that hold their personalities together. They simply do not see anything in themselves that they consider inappropriate or unlovable. Their image of themselves is like a series of attractive still photos, scenes from a movie with no overall plot to hold them together.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Histrionics know how to get looked at, but they don’t have a clue about how to look at themselves. They often know less about their own history and motivation than about those of their favorite television characters. Histrionics’ selective memories make their lives into a series of vivid but unconnected events, no more related to one another than the programs broadcast on a given night.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for What You Want. “I’d really like a part in the school play. ” Forget about working so hard and doing such a good job that people come to you with opportunities. In the real world, people get very little that they don’t ask for.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Superstars will not give you anything because you deserve it. In their world they are the only ones who deserve anything. They will, however, give a great deal to get something they want. It makes sense, then, to always know what they want and to make Superstars pay for it by giving you what you want.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“With no objective support whatsoever, Narcissistic Legends see themselves as more talented and intelligent than other people. They are expert in finding small ponds that will let them be big fish, and extorting Narcissistic supplies from people whose need to be needed is as great as their vampiric need to be adored.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Entitlement Narcissistic vampires believe they are so special that the rules don’t apply to them. They expect the red carpet to be rolled out for them wherever they go, and if it isn’t, they get quite surly. They don’t wait, they don’t recycle, they don’t pay retail, they don’t stand in line, they don’t clean up after themselves, they don’t let other people get in front of them in traffic, and their income taxes rival great works of fiction. Illness or even death is no excuse for other people not immediately jumping up to meet their needs. They aren’t the least bit ashamed of using other people and systems for their own personal gain. They boast about how they take advantage of just about everybody.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Regular praise for even the smallest of accomplishments is the only thing that keeps Ham-it-up Histrionics anywhere near copacetic. Don’t waste your breath on criticism of any sort. Histrionics will always believe that the problem is with your perception rather than their behavior. Anyway, if you remember the praise, you can pretty much forget about everything else.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Not only do Histrionics not understand themselves; they don’t have a clue why anyone does anything. Their understanding of psychology and physics is often tinged with magic. They may believe that things happen because of the alignment of stars, the vibrations of crystals, or the intervention of guardian angels. If you suggest otherwise, they’ll just think you’re crazy.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Considering themselves is what Narcissists do best. The trait they most conspicuously lack is concern for the needs, thoughts, and feelings of other people.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry

“If you want to be successful with Superstars, you have to compete in their league and play by their rules. If you do, however, there is a very real danger that you will become like them. With their bites, Superstars create more new vampires than do all the other vampire types combined. Don’t enter their world unless you know how to get out. Many have been lost.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Be Enthusiastic. “Of course I can play quarterback!” Keep your doubts to yourself. Never discuss mixed feelings with someone who is considering you for a challenging task. Suck Up. “I was really impressed with how the debating club performed in the finals last year. Your coaching really paid off.” The most impressive thing you can say to people is that you are impressed with them. If you want others to look favorably on you, give them a list of their achievements, not yours. Tell Stories That Accentuate Your Strengths. “When I was campaigning for captain of the cheerleading squad . . .” List your achievements by telling stories about what happened and what you learned doing responsible, high-status tasks in the past. Practice. None of this stuff comes naturally or spontaneously. It’s play acting, and it has to be rehearsed. Those vampire-in-training populars knew that, and you should too.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Superstar vampires also like challenges, and interesting company that stimulates their minds. They love a good argument, but you probably won’t be able to convince them of anything they don’t already believe. It’s fine to try, so long as you don’t resort to moralism to make your point. Superstars fall asleep during sermons. Superstars expect loyalty, so they’re usually not willing to pay much for it. They will, however, spend quite a bit of money and effort to get back at somebody they think has betrayed them. What Superstar vampires don’t value at all is being fair to others, or being seen as nice. They pride themselves on not suffering fools gladly, and they destroy those who try to embarrass them. What these vampires hate most is whining, unless they’re doing it. They absolutely do not care about the trials and tribulations of your life. They may take them on as a problem to solve, but they will never just listen quietly and sympathize. No matter what they pretend to be, on the inside, Superstars are tough and cynical. If you can’t be as tough as they are, stay away from them. They’ll eat you alive.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“The most meaningful contingency with Superstars is the transaction. To keep from being sucked dry by these vampires, you must always think of yourself as a commodity, because they do. To survive with Superstars, you have to know what they want from you and what you want in return. Then you have to negotiate to get the best price you can. Superstars have absolutely no sense of fairness. If they want something, however, they will generally pay the price, provided it is demanded up front. Don’t extend credit. To negotiate a good price, you have to know what Superstars value. At the top of the list is whatever will make them look good. This can be anything from an impressive bottom line and employees who can do a bang-up job without much supervision, to trophy wives and fancy cars. Narcissistic supplies come in all shapes and sizes. Next on these vampires’ wish list is adoration. With Superstars you just can’t suck up too much. If you’re selling an idea to Superstars, do it quickly. Always cut to the chase, and tell them what’s in it for them if they give you what you want. Forget about snow jobs; these vampires are not easily fooled. Always do your homework. You can bet Superstars have done theirs.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“The only way to win respect from Superstars is by driving a hard bargain. If you hang around with these vampires, you have to show them that you’re capable of playing in their league. If you don’t constantly demonstrate that you’re as tough as they are, they’ll just take whatever they want from you and never give anything back at all. With Superstars, there are some battles you don’t want to win. Actually, these are battles you can appear to win but in fact lose. To get you off their case, Superstars may tell you what you want to hear even though they don’t actually feel it. The price for this kind of false deference is their respect. Superstars never feel wrong, they never feel gratitude, they don’t believe other people are entitled to the same rights and privileges as they are, and they seldom see other people’s actions as worthy of spontaneous praise. If you demand any of these indulgences, Superstars will speak whatever words you want to hear and never again give you anything more than lip service. Superstars will formally acknowledge your worthiness at the price of genuine regard. In public, they will say whatever you deem to be politically correct, and laugh in private at your presumptuousness. If they praise you, either they’re trying to sneak up on your Narcissistic side or they’re indicating that you are one of the little people who needs occasional doses of praise to keep going, much as a car has to be filled with gas. Be very careful what you ask of Superstars. They’re famous for taking the best of what people have and giving back only hollow words, worth less than nothing. It’s always up to you to know the difference between inconsequential trinkets and tokens of real respect.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“The signs to watch out for are the combination of seeing the person as special and experiencing instant rapport. Narcissistic Superstars create an alternate reality in which they are the greatest, and you will be the greatest too if you just give them what they want. In their world, all you’re supposed to want in return is the pleasure of their company. They work hard to make you see them as special enough to be exempt from the rules that apply to other people.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic Superstars draw you in because of their talents, abilities, and power. They are often special people, and you feel special being around them. You’re not. For Narcissists, other people are sources of supplies, rather than real, full-blown human beings. Only Superstars are threedimensional. One of the easiest ways to spot Narcissistic vampires is to look around when you need help at an inconvenient time. They’re the ones who aren’t there. Superstars’ histories are often impressive lists of achievements. Don’t be too impressed to find out how they’ve treated other people while they were doing their great deeds. Whatever happened to those other people is what will happen to you. There will always be two kinds of people in Superstars’ past. The people above them will always think they were wonderful, but if you really want to know what these vampires were like, you have to talk to their peers and the bit players in their lives. There is no greatness without narcissism, and narcissism is caustic to human relationships. The question you want answered about Superstars’ past is not whether they were Narcissistic, but how well they kept it contained.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic Superstars and Passive-Aggressive Histrionics are a match made in hell. Each can cause the other to escalate into spasms of self-destruction. If you ever have to deal with Superstar anger, the most important thing to remember is not to respond the way a Passive-Aggressive Histrionic would.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic Superstars are as vain about their management skills as they are about everything else. They’d like to inspire the fall-on-my-sword-for-you sort of loyalty that they believe to be the mark of great leadership. Actually, they’re far more likely to make people want to stab them, or merely go away and work somewhere else. Superstars seldom admit it, but their failure to inspire loyalty hurts their managerial egos.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“When Narcissists want something from people, they actually see them as great and wonderful. That’s why their hypnosis is so effective. Once Superstars get what they want, their perceptions return to what, for them, is normal—seeing ordinary people as inadequate. The problem is that the people they seduce may still be laboring under the delusion that they are as special as the Superstars said they were.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Superstars create an alternate universe in which they are special, and your success and happiness is contingent upon indulging their every whim. If you work for them, their power over you may be sufficient to turn their alternate universe into the one you have to live in. To make things more confusing, these managerial vampires often create systems that they themselves don’t understand, because they don’t design them. Everything is jury-rigged by employees to compensate for deficiencies in the manager’s personality. There is only one rule in such systems: Humor the boss. Superstar vampires like to spout off about teamwork, empowerment, and flattening the organization, blissfully unaware that when they’re around all real work stops because job number one is entertaining the boss.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry