Attached Quotes

“In beiden Fällen war das, was Robs Freundin und Jim nicht sagten, aufschlussreicher als alle Worte.”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“Sobald Sie auf sein elementares Bedürfnis nach Geborgenheit und Sicherheit eingehen, kann seine Sensibilität zu einer Bereicherung werden;”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“Sobald bei diesem Beziehungstyp die Nähe einmal hergestellt ist, brauchen Sie nicht mehr über sie zu verhandeln: Sie ist jetzt selbstverständlich.”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“Wenn Sie dagegen mit Ihrer Ehe nicht zufrieden sind, erhöht der Kontakt mit dem Partner Ihren Blutdruck – er bleibt so lange hoch, wie Sie in seiner körperlichen Nähe sind! Die Folgerungen aus dieser Studie sind gravierend: Wenn unser Partner nicht in der Lage ist, unsere elementaren Bindungsbedürfnisse zu befriedigen, erleben wir eine chronische Unruhe und Anspannung, die uns für verschiedene Leiden anfälliger macht.”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“Die Studie belegt, dass zwei Menschen, die eine enge Beziehung haben, wechselseitig ihr psychisches und emotionales Wohlbefinden regulieren. Die körperliche Nähe und Verfügbarkeit des Partners beeinflusst die Stressreaktion. Wie also kann von uns erwartet werden, dass wir uns stark von unserem Partner abgrenzen, wenn zentrale biologische Funktionen in einem solchen Ausmaß von ihm beeinflusst werden?”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“Normalerweise wird unter stressreichen Bedingungen der Hypothalamus aktiv, und tatsächlich geschah das bei den Frauen, wenn sie allein auf den Stromschlag warteten – ihr Hypothalamus leuchtete auf. Anschließend wurden die Frauen getestet, während sie beim Warten die Hand eines Fremden hielten. Jetzt zeigten die Hirnscans eine leicht verringerte Aktivität im Hypothalamus. Und wenn die Ehemänner ihren Frauen die Hand hielten? Dann fiel der Rückgang sehr viel dramatischer aus – der Stress war kaum nachweisbar.”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“Zahlreiche Studien belegen, dass eine physiologische Einheit entsteht, sobald wir uns an jemanden binden. Unser Partner reguliert unseren Blutdruck, den Herzschlag, die Atmung und den Spiegel der Hormone in unserem Blut. Wir sind keine getrennten Einheiten mehr.”
― Amir Levine, Warum wir uns immer in den Falschen verlieben: Beziehungstypen und ihre Bedeutung für unsere Partnerschaft

“What is true is that people with an avoidant attachment style overwhelmingly assume that the reason they’re unable to find happiness in a relationship has little to do with themselves and a lot to do with external circumstances—meeting the wrong people, not finding “the one,”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“studies have found that faced with a stressful life event, such as divorce, the birth of a severely disabled child, or military trauma, avoidants’ defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“los conflictos se resuelven mejor cuando se hablan que cuando se ignoran.”
― Amir Levine, Maneras de amar: La nueva ciencia del apego adulto y cómo puede ayudarte a encontrar el amor y conservarlo (Crecimiento personal)

“These findings suggest that people with an anxious attachment style are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues. However, this finding comes with a caveat. The study showed that people with an anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state. Only when the experiment was designed in such a way that anxious participants had to wait a little longer—they couldn’t react immediately when they spotted a change, but had to wait a little longer—and get more information before making a judgment did they have an advantage over other participants.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“I’m a smart, good-looking guy with a successful career. I have a lot to offer. I’ve dated some terrific women, but inevitably, after a few weeks I lose interest and start to feel trapped. It shouldn’t be this hard to find someone I’m compatible with. I’ve been married to my husband for years and yet feel completely alone. He was never one to discuss his emotions or talk about the relationship, but things have gone from bad to worse. He stays at work late almost every weeknight and on weekends”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“patterns of attachment to their romantic partners similar to the patterns of attachment of children with their parents.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insicure, and obsessive - only to feel elated every once in a while - tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Many people who live with insecure partners cannot even begin to imagine how fundamentally different life with a secure person can be. For starters, they don’t engage in the “relationship dance” that therapists often refer to—whereby one partner gets closer while the other steps back in order to maintain a certain distance in the relationship at all times. Instead there’s a feeling of growing closeness and intimacy. Second, they are able to sensitively and empathically—and most important, coherently—discuss their emotions with you. Last, the secure party engulfs their partner in an emotionally protective shield that makes facing the outside world an easier task. We often fail to realize what a bonus these attributes are unless they’re missing.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“The next step is to start expressing your needs. Most anxious people easily fall into the trap that relationship books—and society at large—set for them. They feel that they are too demanding and needy and so they try to accommodate their partner’s need for distance and boundaries (if they’re involved with someone avoidant). It’s simply more socially acceptable to maintain a cool, self-sufficient façade. So they hide their wishes and mask their discontent. In actuality, you are missing out when you do so, because by expressing those needs you achieve two goals. First, you are being your authentic self, which has been found to contribute to our general feelings of happiness and fulfillment, and being happy and fulfilled is probably one of the most attractive traits you can offer a partner. Second and no less important, once you are your authentic self, if your partner is incapable of meeting your genuine needs, you can determine that early on. Not everyone has relationship needs compatible with your own, and that’s fine. Let them find someone else who wants to be kept at arm’s length, and you can go about finding someone who will make you happy.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“But moving toward security is not only about tackling problems in your relationship; it’s also about having fun together. Find ways to enjoy your time together as a couple—a walk in the park, a movie and dinner, watching a TV show that you both like—and make time to be physically close.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

“Effectively communicate feelings and needs: Visiting the sister-in-law Because Tom’s job is so hectic, Rebecca barely gets to see him during the week, and she often feels very alone. On Saturdays, she usually visits her sister, who lives close by. Tom doesn’t typically join her for these visits; he likes to stay home and veg out on the couch. Generally, this is fine with her, but this Saturday, after a particularly long week at work, when Tom was even more absent than usual, she becomes very insistent that he come along. Tom, exhausted from his work week, is adamant about not wanting to go. Rebecca won’t take no for an answer and pushes the issue. He reacts by clamming up even more. Finally she tells him he’s being selfish, he ends up in front of the TV not talking, and she ends up going alone. Rebecca acts in a way that is very typical of people with an anxious attachment style. Because her husband’s being at work more than usual during the week has activated her attachment system, she feels a need to reconnect. What she needs most is to feel that Tom is available to her—that he cares and wants to be with her. However, instead of saying this directly and explaining what is bothering her, she uses protest behavior—accusing him of being selfish and insisting that he come to her sister’s. Tom is bewildered that Rebecca is suddenly behaving so irrationally—after all, they have an understanding that he doesn’t have to go to her sister’s. How different Tom’s reaction might be if Rebecca simply said, “I know you hate going to my sister’s, but it would mean the world to me if you could come this one time. I’ve hardly seen you all week and I don’t want to miss out on any more time together.” Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional dialogue. Even if Tom still chose not to join Rebecca, if he understood how she felt, he could find another way to reassure her: “If you really want me to go, I will. But I also want to relax. How about we go out tonight—just the two of us? Would that make you feel better? You don’t really want me at your sister’s anyway, do you? I will get in the way of the two of you catching up.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Anxious: You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors too personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. If the other person provides a lot of security and reassurance,”
― Amir Levine, Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

“If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

“Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer. In fact, one study found that 73 percent of over three hundred university student participants were willing to sacrifice the majority of their goals in life for a romantic relationship.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“the secure partner (or partners) remains “present” both physically and emotionally.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“secures are better able to understand their partner’s perspective and maintain focus on the problem.”
― Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love