Ms. Smartarse > Recent Status Updates

"What's your headline?" Patricia wants to know.
"No throwing marzipan potatoes," says Jesse. "I cite a striker in the article, who carries a bag of marzipan potatoes as missiles. This was the company's Christmas present instead of a 13th salary."

"'I always need to know when shit hits the fan, so I know whe' to hide," it said all concerned.
"Even if it does, I thought you'd be standing by me and helping," I said arms akimbo.
"Think again!" the imp grimaced. "I chose you as my new mist'ess volunta'ily. Key word being VOLUNTA'ILY! So I'm not getting myself killed ove' you' idiocy!"

"You won't confuse me! The fog-goths live a clean life, as a warm iron. We'll be the ones to chase the rotten demons back to Hell."
"And will you be doing that with your eyebrow piercing or your fishnets, deary?" asked the bearded man mockingly.
"You poor dear," added the woman sitting at the other table.

"May [demon] sleigh down your back!" cursed the [police officer].

The Four Horsemen whose Ride presages the end of the world are known to be Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. But even less significant events have their own Horsemen. For example, the Four Horsemen of the Common Cold are Sniffles, Chesty, Nostril and Lack of Tissues.

There was something in the way Truckle used words. It didn't matter what he actually said, what you heard was in some strange way the word he actually meant. He could turn the air blue just by saying 'socks'.

Ankh-Morpork had had the occasional rebellion, too, over the years. But no-one went around organizing things. They just grabbed themselves a weapon and took to the streets. No-one bothered with a formal battlecry, relying instead on the well-tried 'There 'e goes! Get 'im! Got 'im? Now kick 'im inna fork! '

"I wonder if you could tell me: who is the Great Wizard?"
Ridcully considered this.
"The Dean, possibly," he said. "He must be all of twenty stones."
"Somehow I feel that is not perhaps the right answer," said Lord Vetinari. "I suspect from context that 'great' means superior."
"Not the Dean, then," said Ridcully.

Marco was 18 and had dropped out of school to buy a village in Spain and raise goats.
"There no one asks you which damned school you've gone to," he said.
Man, did I admire him.

How exactly do you fit a 7 hour drive, a trans-Atlantic flight to NYC (with tickets not previously booked) AND a jetlagged bout of sleep in the same day?! Come on!

... perhaps not quite as bad, as I initially thought, but Charlie and Torhe's POV chapters have some of the most cringe-worthy dialogs.

And here I thought there was no way for book #2 to be (that much) worse than book #1.

"But I read she was the most beautiful--"
"Ah well," said the sergeant. "If you're going to go around reading--"
"The thing is," said Rincewind quickly, "it's what they call dramatic necessity. No-one's going to be interested in a war fought over a, a quite pleasant lady, moderately attractive in a good light. Are they?"

Demons have existed on the Discworld for at least as long as the gods, who in many ways they closely resembled. The difference is basically the same as that between terrorists and freedom fighters.

"Mickey stands for Machine Infantry for Capturing and Killing Enemy Yodellers."
"Yodellers?" Aisha asked bewildered. "Men who stand on mountaintops and emit weird rutting songs? Those Yodellers?"
"Well," said the general, "you should know how these acronyms come to be. Mostly it starts with a funny word and the abbreviation is only thought of in hindsight."

"Write me a speech about the need for this world war. Something vague about the cruelty of our enemy and the necessity, the democracy, the freedom and the defending of human rights. The usual. You know already. And that we had to save the lives of innocents."
"Even if it killed them."

“I’m afraid Cinderella and Prince Charming may have missed the boat,” I texted Delia once I’d double-locked my door and thrown myself down on the bed. “I think he’s gone off me.”
Delia replied at once. “What a stupid prince. Sounds like he needs a kick up the butt.”
“I spat on him,” I wrote, and Delia sent back three thumbs-up emojis.

“This is not the kind of place where employees make out with guests in linen closets and dark corners.”
Now he’d gone too far.
I felt my eyes fill with tears. This always happened to me: Whenever I got really angry, I started welling up and I couldn’t get a sensible word out.

I felt as though my knees were about to give way beneath me. I’d been taken in by a piece of chocolate cake, sculpted by skillful little hands to look exactly like a dog turd. I’d even convinced myself it smelled like a dog turd.

"What do you even want from me?" Frank asks instead
"No idea," says Ernst. "The boss never tells us."
"None of our business," says Bertram.
"What did he tell you so far?" asks Ernst.
"He said: I will... and then the connection broke," gasped Frank.
"Don't know either," says Bertram. "He'll probably threaten you."
"Yeah," says Ernst. "He definitely won't say: I will send your kids to a good college."

"I'll change that," Pen said. "Tomorrow, in fact. Nobody is going to be called Jane or James any more. Unless that's actually their name, I mean. I wouldn't ban people from being called Jane. That would be unreasonable."
"No half measures," Mark said. "Either everyone in this house is called Jane, or nobody is."

"I'm not an anarchist at all, same as I'm not an atheist. I can't be bothered. My mate's an atheist and he's always thinking about God and religion and whatnot. I just don't care."

"I will be civilised, despite my troubles. Rowley, you have no idea of my troubles."
It seemed he was intended to ask. "Uh, what are your troubles?"
"For God's sake don't ask me, I want to forget," Gregory assured him, and immediately launched into a long, involved and wildly overblown account of a complicated theatre feud.

Barbara greeted her husband and gave him a little kiss. Women do this sometimes to check if the men had secretly indulged in alcohol. Barbara mustn't have smelled anything on his breath, as she was still in a good mood after the kiss.

"One woman had a giant stuffed rabbit in her arms. I considered telling her that it was Christmas and not Easter, after all the loud speakers had been playing jingling music with bells. That should've tipped her off, if nothing else. But I didn't want any trouble, so I held my tongue."

A very odd mix of atmospheric drama and comedic relief.
I like them separately, but not sure I'd recommend them together...

Such oppositions eventually became cornerstones of Christian and Muslim thought. Belief in heaven (the realm of the good god) and hell (the realm of the evil god) was also dualist in origin. There is no trace of this belief in The Old Testament, which also never claims that the souls of people continue to live after the death of the body.

Next time a mosquito buzzes in your ears, accuse her of unnatural behaviour. If she were well behaved and content with what God gave her, she'd use her wings solely as solar panel.

We have the dubious distinction of being the deadliest species in the annals of biology.

At that point, he managed to turn his head, but what he saw didn't reassure him at all.
"Oh god, you're from the yakuza," he asked astonished.
"Huh?"
"That... that tattoo there is... it's a dragon?"
"Yes."
"I'm a dead man."
"Perhaps, but the dragon won't be what kills you."