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The Joke Thread
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A lady took her dog to the vet because he was always scratching at his ears . After finding no problem, the vet suggested applying hair removal to the inside of the ears to help reduce the chance of irritation.The lady went to the pharmacy and purchased some "Nair" hair removal cream.
The chemist said," if you are doing your underarms,don't apply deodorant for a few days"
I'm not doing my underarms" replied the lady.
"If you're doing your legs, don't use cream on them for a couple of days" said the chemist.
"I'm not doing my legs" said the lady. "If you must know, I am doing my schnauzer."
"Well, then don't ride your bicycle for a week"
Mitt Romney.Sure, it's not funny, but it's definitely a joke.
Phil wrote: "Mitt Romney.Sure, it's not funny, but it's definitely a joke."
lol
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"Tell me what happened," the sheriff replies.
The turtle shakes his head: "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?The Dallas Cowboys.
How doughnuts reproduce.....
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?Ele-phi-no.
What animal do you never want to play poker with?A cheetah.
A 7th grade student at my son's school told me this one:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?Still no idear.
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A: Because sheep can hear zippers.
John was walking Chico, his Chihuahua and best friend, whom he took everywhere. They passed a bar with a sign prohibiting dogs. John stopped, thought about it, and entered the bar. The bartender said, "No dogs." John said, "Chico's a seeing-eye dog." The bartender said, "I've never seen a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog." John said, "Aw, man, they gave me a Chihuahua?"
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing...but, it gave out a little wine.
Nothing...but, it gave out a little wine.
How they manage the news: A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Reagan could count: On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."
Artificial intelligence: (Thanks to Eric Perlin) A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
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Reagan says, "Lay it on me, Doc."
The doctor says, "The bad news is that you have cancer."
Reagan: "And the worse news?"
Doctor: "You have Alzheimer's."
Reagan: "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
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“Well,” Boris replies. “I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra.”
“Spectacular!” the man replies.
“It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says ‘Fill the instruments with gold!’ and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the damn piccolo.
“We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says ‘Fill the instruments with silver!’ and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the damn piccolo.
“Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says ‘Shove the instruments up their asses!’ and the tuba doesn’t fit and the trombone doesn’t fit. AND ME WITH THE DAMN PICCOLO!”
We all know about cat people and the tendency that one is never enough.What do we call having too many dogs?
Wait for it .....
A Roverdose.
:-) I love jokes, but I can't remember them long enough to retell them.
Why is a happy cowboy like hard candy?Because he's a Jolly Rancher.
A guy gets sent to prison. There are rules and restrictions on every activity and behavior. Conversation is regulated, even yelling up and down the cell block. Telling jokes is restricted.One night after lights out the new guy hears someone yell out - 47!
The entire population roars with laughter. A moment later, 33! Again riotous laughter and even a bit of applause.
The prisoner asks his cell mate what is happening. The cell mate through laughter tell him that these numbers refer to a joke. In fact there are many, many such jokes and this is the way they are shared.
Weeks pass. the now not so new guy one night after lights out calls out 16! This has been a joke that always meets with guffaws and usually a smattering of applause. There is minor tittering on the row. So he tries again with the always popular 33!! All but no response.
The guy asks his cellmate, what happened? These always get a huge response. The cell mate responds with a sigh,
Some people can tell a joke, and some cant'.
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The mother thought it was a strange thing for a little boy to ask. "Why do you ask, honey?"
"Well, I just looked under the bed and there's somebody either coming or going."
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A woman approached and asked if he had any chickens left for sale.
"Yes ma'am," he said, and reached deep into the barrel, thrashed around as though there were multiple chickens left, and held up the one scrawny chicken.
"That's a pretty scrawny chicken," said the woman. "Don't you have a better one?"
"Oh yes ma'am," said the farmer, and scrounged around in the barrel again, pulling out the one scrawny chicken.
"I've changed my mind," said the woman. "I'll take both of them."
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The man said, "Who said I'm 60? I'm 80."
Doctor: "Well, how old was your father when he died?"
Man: "Who said he had died? My father is still alive. He's 102."
Doctor: "Well how old was your grandfather when he died?"
Man: "Who said he was dead? My grandfather is 120 and just got married."
Doctor: "Why would he want to get married at age 120?"
Man: "Who said he wanted to get married?"
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"Yes, Uncle," replied the boy, "but I want to thank you for parting with it all the same."
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Yogi said "You mean right now?"
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"Sam," said Moe, "you know how we've loved baseball all our lives. Do me one favor. After you're gone, you've gotta tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looked up from his deathbed and said, "Moe, this favor, I'll do just for you." Then he breathed his last.
At midnight a few nights later, Moe was sound asleep when a distant voice called to him, "Moe! Moe!"
"Who is it?" said Moe, sitting up.
"It's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," said the voice, "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam, is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven, and I've got to tell you, I have good news and bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Moe.
"The good news," said Sam, "Is that there's baseball in heaven."
"That's wonderful!" said Moe. "What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!"
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A. None - Trump just tells them he fixed it and they sit there in the dark and applaud.
OH, LG I do love this one.Happy Sunday, all!
Q: What do Democrats do when a light bulb goes out?A: Nothing - They just tell you the light bulb is still on and gaslight the country into believing it.
The husband replied, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"
The wife stopped, unable to look her husband in the eye. Slowly she said, "Yes, he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" The wife was very distressed, and after a long silence she said, "You."